The pattern of rain against my bedroom window rhythmically sounds in my mind. Eyes closed, head craned back against the headboard as I layed back in bed, letting the irritation of resting on my striped back fill me and distract me from other things. I could see the warm glow of the lamp to my right through the thin veil of my eyelids. My hand reaches up, fumbling for the chain and finding it. With a sharp tug, the light faded and I was left fully in the dark. My pounding head refused to ease up. My hands rose, fingers pressing into my temples, rubbing in small circles.

This part was always the part I hated. It typically took a few weeks for the restlessness to kick in. The need for more than I was able to give. The cycle always repeated. I explain everything in detail, the dynamic in the basement remains there. Above ground would always be a different story…boundaries. The few that can handle the darkness, eventually try to worm their way in. That was when things ended and I moved on, looking for another to fulfill my need. This time though…it was different.

It started out simple enough, a request to help with aftercare. Something I refused instantly, I needed that to be clinical not intimate. Johnson assisted when necessary, otherwise, I left it alone. She did not bring it up again until one day, after a particularly intense session, Johnson was out. I caved. Allowed her to take care of me and retreated to my room the moment I could. There was something about it, I couldn't deny, that I liked. The tenderness soothed me. Even aided in recovery. I shouldn't have, but I let her take over the chore permanently. It became part of our routine until this night, I felt the softest brush of lips against my back.

The raised skin still damp from the cloth in her hand warmed at the touch. My body jerked and I reached back, pushing her away. "Don't". The word was firm, closed off as I retreated into myself, muscles tense.

"But…" the word was spoken softly and I felt her fingers on my arm.

I swatted them away, moving from my seat toward the door, "I said, /don't/." The final word growled out.

"I don't understand you. I do everything on your terms in your way and still you refuse to let me in? I don't question why you are the way you are and just give you what you need…happily I might add. So what if I want to care for you afterward? Where is the harm in that?" I could hear the plea in her voice, the cracks where it broke and it pained me far more than anything else she'd done just moments ago.

My head lowered, pressed against the frame of the door as my fingers grasped the handle and turned it, "Perhaps if you knew why I am the way I am you would understand. You give me what I need, but I cannot give you what you need." Jerking the door open, I left the room, mounted the stairs and slipped into my bedroom, the door shut behind me.

I spent the time alone with a hot shower and preparing myself for bed, naturally just about the time I was about to retire the door opened. My gaze lifted from the bed where I had just drawn back the comforter to find not Johnson who I'd assumed but /her/. She'd changed, no longer dressed in the outfit I had chosen for her but loungewear. I did not speak, simply waited. After a moment she spoke, "So, tell me why you are the way you are then." The tone was soft, her bright eyes pleading. It was painful to look at. I had to admit I had grown fond of this one and it pained me to know I was about to lose her.

"I can't." The words were harsh, final.

"You mean you won't." It was a softly spoken statement, the voice resolved with a hint of sadness. "You are going to have to trust someone at some point you know." I heard the door click softly closed as she left.

Giving someone physical power over my body, control of every physical part of me was never about trust. Trust is not required when you do not care about the outcome. That was never a vulnerability for me. Letting someone know and understand my past, however, was a completely different story. I have never told anyone any of it. Johnson knew simply because he was present for the entirety of my life, not due to ever being told and we do not speak of it. The worst part about it all was I /wanted/ to tell her I just couldn't. As if on cue, that was when the rain started.

–

It took a few days, but things eventually returned to normal, surprisingly. One particularly slow day, I found myself leaving my office early. I had barely made it to the steps to head down stairs when she bounded up behind me, I heard her steps long before she spoke.

"Oh, good, you're done early, join me on a walk in the woods?"

Her smile was a welcome sight, indicating the gloom had faded and perhaps we would be able to move past the difficulty. She'd been patient and understanding of my boundaries since and I saw no reason to deny her. The simple incline of my head was all the answer she required. She moved past me and toward the door, I followed along at a leisurely pace, her impatience amused me and I wanted to savor it, even goad it a little more.

"My God, you're slow!" she called as she gave up waiting on me and opened the door, heading out. I did not restrain the little smirk that played on my lips in response.

When I stepped onto the porch, I noted that the air was damp, but the sky seemed clear. For once it was not raining as had been the way recently. I fell into step beside my companion, hands resting inside the pockets of my trousers, watching her as she enjoyed the scenery. As usual, it was not long before we left the path and began to make our own way through the trees surrounding my property. It was not the manicured grounds she liked but the rawness of the nature around them. I too had to admit a certain draw to the darker, messer side of nature.

After a while, a bright blue flower caught my attention. It was oddly placed among the weeds and brush. I bent to pick it up, breaking the stem from the connection with the ground and offered it to my companion. I had to appreciate the way she carefully took the flower, avoiding contact with my skin. The thoughtfulness brought a soft tilt of my lips. I watched her play with it as we continued on, twirling the stem between her fingers.

A crack of thunder brought my gaze upward. Until that moment, I had not noticed how dark it had gotten and now it was sure to rain. "We had better head back."

I felt her move closer, looking up as I had, "Aw, come on, you won't melt." Her tone teasing and when I tilted my head down to look at her, she was smiling brightly.

I consented to walk a little farther even as it began to sprinkle. I watched as she tilted her head back, letting the light drops strike her face. The image was almost worth enduring the possibility of a damp suit.

"What do we have here?" The tone was sinister and sent my gaze from resting on my companion quickly searching for the body it belonged to. I caught sight of three men that I could only describe as appearing thuggish. The speaker had a beard which likely housed yesterday's lunch and a beer gut. The other two with him were skinny but a good deal taller.

"You're trespassing." I said simply, moving to position myself between the men and my companion, but not soon enough, they'd already gotten a good look at her and were looking at her, not me.

"The boss has been looking for you. He'll be mighty pleased with us when we bring you home…" One of the taller men stepped forward, appearing to completely ignore my existence as he attempted to reach around me.

I caught the wrist, my other arm snaking over the back side of his arm, cranking it around behind his back in a kimura grip until I heard the pop of his shoulder as it was pulled out of joint. Pushing him back to join his friends I repeated, "You are trespassing, leave now."

The man moved back to his buddies, holding his arm against his chest, the other taller man reached around his back and pulled something from his trousers. When his hand moved back around front, I could tell even in the darkness it was a pistol. I took a step back, bumping into my companion in the process, my hands raised slightly, "There's no need for that. The depts have been taken care of."

"Ah…so you're the one who tried to buy her, hm?" The fat one laughed, before nudging the injured goon to his right when the whining got too loud, "Boss said that ain't good enough. He wants his property." With the word 'property' he gestured to the woman peeking around my arm.

"How much more does he want? I am sure we can work something out…" my words trailed off as the large man stepped forward and reached around me, grasping her by the arm. The taller one with the gun had my attention and my response was a little delayed. He had her by the arm by the time my elbow connected with his jaw. This knocked both him and her to the ground. Then the shot came. The sound ringing in my ears, my vision blurred for a second. I was stunned by the noise. It took a moment for my hearing to return and I heard the larger man cursing, calling the shooter an idiot, I couldn't make out the rest of what he said as they all three ran off. A moment later, I felt a slender arm around my waist, a shoulder fitted under my armpit just as my senses returned in full force and I felt the rush of pain to my abdomen.

Her words, "Oh god…" rang in my ears as everything else faded away again.