Chapter 10

Checkmate

Sanji closed the galley door behind him before gently leaning against it. The lunch in town with his crewmates had been relaxed and he had enjoyed the general good mood, although he was a little distant in spite of himself. Indeed, only a few hours had passed since he had pulled himself together and the awful feeling that had accompanied him hadn't completely faded yet.

Now back in the safety of the Sunny, the blond finally allowed himself to sort through the events and he lowered his head a little more as he remembered the utter helplessness he had felt earlier. His friends had mostly decided to extend their time in town and only Jinbei and Usopp had returned to the beach to watch the fish. The cook was alone on the ship and he could drop the mask of carefreeness he had tried to wear throughout the meal. His crewmates wouldn't have failed to worry if he had shown his true feelings and fortunately, the person who could have forced him to explain himself by telling the rest of the crew about his behavior had remained silent. Sanji was grateful to Zoro. First, the blond needed to assimilate what was happening to him and he would have been unable to face the questions and worried looks of his friends at this moment.

The cook closed his eyes, remembering the previous hours. By the time he had no tears left, he was drained of all emotions and had taken several seconds to realize that Zoro was still holding him. His gaze fixed on the ground, he had taken a step back before quickly wiping his eyes and telling the fencer that he was going back to the Sunny. Zoro had only nodded back and Sanji had flinched when he had followed suit, even though it made sense for the swordsman to follow him. No doubt Zoro also wanted to get back on the ship when he had crossed paths with him, or maybe he had gotten lost and was looking for his way.

Either way, the walk had been silent, the only sound of their footsteps echoing between them. Arriving at destination, Sanji had immediately locked himself in the bathroom to take a long shower and the swordsman had sat on the deck. They had met again forty minutes later and the blond had led his crewmate, this time towards the inn that Nami had designated as a rallying point. No words had been exchanged either and the silence had only been broken when they had found their friends.

At that moment in the forest, Sanji had quickly recognized the signs that had hit him. This unexpected dizziness, his sweaty palms and frantic breathing for no apparent reason hadn't deceived him for long. He hadn't been hurt or even touched by anything and his body had reacted perfectly well a few minutes before. There had only been one possible explanation and it was a panic attack. He had had a panic attack as in the time of his childhood when he didn't even understand what was happening to him.

At that time, Sanji believed that he had caught an incurable disease and even that he was going to die because of his strong symptoms, but then he had learned the meaning of these attacks and managed to control them. He was fine for years now and this sudden reappearance was a clear sign that he was slowly sinking back into the tortured meanders of his past.

Sanji sighed. Even if Zeff had never asked the reason why he could literally make himself sick, the old cook had understood it had something to do with what Sanji had experienced before meeting him. And for a good reason. Little Sanji carried on him the signs of a tormented childhood when he tore his hair in anger faced with a problem he couldn't solve or when Zeff found him holed up in a corner of the kitchen in the early morning, exhausted but his eyes wide open, desperately trying to understand recipes that suddenly made no sense. A child who could start screaming in the middle of the night calling for his mother and who would then sob for hours, as if prey to invisible blows. A child who found it difficult to sleep and who started shaking from head to toe without warning before his too rapid breathing pushed him to the brink of fainting. A child constantly on his guard who hid behind his aggressiveness but whose deep humanity pushed him to make others smile in order to be able to open up in turn.

Zeff had watched but never intervened directly. He had only reinforced his discipline so that the little blond focuses on concrete tasks and that his goal of finding All Blue keeps him busy enough. He had introduced him to cooking and had instilled the principles inherent in the education of an honorable man into him: respect women, excellent craftsmanship and the nobility of feeding one's enemy.

The treatment had worked rather well but it hadn't rid his protege of all his troubles and Sanji had tried to find his own remedies. So the old cook had disapproved when the little blond had started smoking but he hadn't insisted. He had simply taken the opportunity to send Sanji to the library for him to find out about the consequences of his decision. Sanji was just thirteen years old and under the guise of making him aware of the after-effects he was incurring, he had learned that certain addictions resulted from a buried personal distress.

That day, it wasn't so much the fact of understanding why nicotine relaxed him to such an extent that had interested the future cook but the discovery of the thousand and one forms that anxiety could take to nest in each individual. Sanji had then noticed that he was experiencing several of these symptoms and with this information, he had inquired about fighting more and more effectively against his anxiety. The cigarette had remained, but the panic attacks had ended up disappearing, covered by the soothing balm of work in the kitchen, the congratulations of the customers and the veil of the cigarette. The aspiring cook had believed he was free from the yoke of his childhood when these attacks had ceased, but it was clear today that they had simply lied low while waiting for a weakness to reappear.

So yes, the blond was all the more furious with himself because he knew how it worked but it didn't prevent him from losing control over his entire body. He had been just like on the first day, overwhelmed by panic and powerless against the numbness that he had felt rising in him.

The cook let his head fall back against the wooden door, his eyes wide open again. Alone with his raging emotions, there had been a rock to which he had been able to cling though. Zoro.

Yet at first sight, realizing that the fencer had understood what he was the victim of hadn't calmed him down, quite the contrary. At first, Zoro's presence had heightened his anxiety and his self-loathing. Sanji would have liked to cry out of frustration as much as out of anger and his humiliation had brought self-hatred. He had fallen apart, bitter and defeated. He had stopped struggling and his fear-distorted thoughts had engulfed him whole.

Only the calm and insistent voice of the swordsman had allowed him to regain his senses. And when he had finally come out of his self-imposed paralysis, he had realized the tragedy of his own life. He had burst into tears without even trying to hold them back, tired by this pain he thought he had tamed but which had always been here in reality.

Just like Zeff, Zoro had supported him in silence but his arms around Sanji had comforted him as much as the fencer's gesture had hit him right in the heart. They had indeed reminded Sanji that the swordsman had given him the possibility of experiencing what the blond had always sought and that Sanji had been quick to destroy their relationship in return. Because he had been afraid.

Because today as yesterday, Sanji had always been afraid.

Three days had passed without a glitch, and the straw hat boy's crew were now spending their last hours in the island's port. After dinner, they would resume their journey so the meal took place on the Sunny to better anticipate their departure.

Around the table, there was hearty laughter, and the faces were rested. As the navigator had hoped, the land of Kurta had offered them a peaceful and pleasant stopover despite its threatening reputation. There had been plenty of activities to keep them busy, and the residents themselves had been surprisingly friendly to strangers. Robin had heard that the damage due to the rockslide had mysteriously disappeared and the population was greatly relieved. The various competitions, games and generous offers of food had then become numerous and everyone had been able to get their shares.

The girls, Chopper and Jinbei had learned a lot about the customs of the tribe and Usopp and Franky had left with astronomical quantities of traditional games. Meanwhile, Luffy and Zoro had taken advantage of the rounds of discounted food and drink at the taverns while Sanji had asked about the local cuisine and Brook had taken an interest in the particular songs of the region following their cruel history.

The atmosphere was like the end of the holidays that evening and everyone savored their plate of steak tartare and hash browns accompanied by a crisp green salad.

"Do we really have to leave?" Usopp suddenly sighed.

At his side, his friends began to laugh. "You didn't even want to come here," Nami reminded him, amused.

"I changed my mind," The sniper decreed, "The security is quite satisfactory and the inhabitants much friendlier than expected!"

"That's true!" Franky got enthused, gulping down one of his potatoes. "They showed us lots of super interesting games, we won't be bored!"

"They have developed a multitude of unique entertainments in view of their isolation for several years," Jinbei confirmed.

"They weren't stingy about the bottles," Zoro appreciated, his glass in hand.

"They're really generous with food too!" The straw hat boy agreed, his mouth full. "We'll have to come back here! Plus it was great with Tra-guy!"

At this remark, Chopper turned to his captain. "Did you buy him a game as planned, Luffy?" He asked with curiosity.

"Oh yeah, but I don't remember what it is. I wanted to take the Kurta Pictionary but, in the end, Robin chose it!"

"I suggested an abstract combinatorial strategy game to our captain," The young woman answered, "It seemed to me that this type of intellectual challenge would be the most appropriate given Law personality."

"What is that?" The swordsman wanted to know, frowning.

"A chess game," The archaeologist explained.

"We took one with some guys from the island, it's so cool!" The straw hat boy added.

"A historical themed chess board?" Sanji understood.

The dark-haired young woman nodded. "Made from a high-end resin from crushed rocks."

"Looks super classy!" Franky noted.

"How much did this marvel cost?" Brook inquired.

"Too much," The redhead sighed, "But we need it to get into his good graces. We only have one more card to play with Robin's information regarding the poneglyphs and even then, we don't have anything to give him yet."

"Are you gonna make Luffy play chess against him?" Zoro asked doubtfully.

"Of course not, it's a simple gift to coax him."

"It's probably wiser," Chopper admitted while glancing at his captain who was licking his now empty plate, "I don't even know if Luffy knows how to play…"

"Probably not," Sanji grumbled.

"Corruption is an effective technique," Jinbei noted.

"Law kept his word anyway, it's worth a try," Usopp said.

"In the meantime, I invite you to give a toast to the success of our undertaking!" The musician suggested. He then got up, delighted. "May this augur a long line of similar successes!"

"Yeah!" His crewmates happily clinked their glasses against his and soon Sanji was serving the apple pie he had made. The conversation then naturally turned to their next destination, which the navigator estimated was only a few days away.

As the meal was ending, the blond proceeded to clear and Nami put her napkin on the table. "Zoro, don't forget, it's your turn to help with the dishes. Usopp, you have first watch," She reminded her friends.

They nodded and everyone stood up. Alongside the cyborg, Luffy was hopping up and down with impatience at the thought of discovering the games he had purchased. For their part, Jinbei headed outside with Nami to take the helm while Brook offered Chopper and Robin to join him at the aquarium to hear his new composition. Sanji then handed a small box to the sniper in anticipation of his snack and Usopp headed for the crow's nest. Left alone, the cook and the swordsman piled up the dishes in silence before placing them in the sink.

Sanji was feeling nervous as he gathered up the scattered cutlery and he quickly put down his pile of dirty plates before putting his utensils away on the other side of the room, making sure not to meet the fencer's gaze. Two days before, Zoro had asked him if he had spoken to Chopper about what had happened and the cook had avoided the subject by pretending to run an errand. Still, he wasn't naive and he knew the swordsman would come back to try again. The fact that he had agreed to do the dishes without complaining was proof. Zoro was patiently waiting to bring it up and tonight was perfect. Indeed, the fencer had kept the cook's secret so far but as time went on, he was probably playing with the possibility of revealing it when seeing that his crewmate wasn't doing it.

Soon, Sanji had no more excuses for not approaching the swordsman who was standing not far from the sink and he rolled up his sleeves before he immersed his hands into the hot water, his eyes fixed in front of him.

"Did you talk to Chopper?"

Straight to the point. The blond grabbed his sponge and applied the cleaning product.

"No."

"You want me to do it for you?"

"No."

Sanji wasn't going to lie. Zoro wasn't stupid and he deserved his crewmate to be honest with him. After all, the fencer could have informed the crew as soon as they had seen them, but he had been kind enough to let Sanji decide what to do next.

Beside him, the swordsman grabbed a dish towel and began wiping the cutlery the cook had washed earlier. "Why? Chopper seems to know how to deal with Usopp when it happens to him."

"It's not the same thing."

"What makes you say that?" The fencer glanced at him before taking the plate the cook handed him.

"I know because it's not the first time that… It happened to me. When I was younger, with Zeff, it happened a few times."

"And what did you do?"

Zoro looked genuinely curious but Sanji shrugged, his sponge scraping off a new plate. "Nothing special. I mostly focused on cooking and learned breathing techniques to stop them when I felt them coming."

"You haven't solved the real problem then," The swordsman understood.

"Yes, I have. It hasn't happened for years."

"Why does it come back now then?" His crewmate pointed out. "You should have applied your method a while ago because you've been sinking since we left Wano." Sanji didn't try to deny it. "It's not that simple, mosshead," He whispered after a few seconds.

At these words, the swordsman noisily placed his dry plate on the pile he had already wiped, obviously trying to contain his exasperation. "I'll tell you what would be simple, it'd be for you to talk to Chopper. Why do you insist on trying to fend for yourself? I thought you understood the interest of being a team now." The blond looked questioningly at him and Zoro took a new plate. "I heard you asked Robin to help you against that half tarantula chick. For once, it looks like you made the right choice."

"I knew Robin-chan could get rid of this enemy," The cook admitted, "I wouldn't have been able to."

"So what? Why is it different now? Chopper is a doctor. He can treat you, it's his job."

"I know, mosshead. But this is about my past and I don't want to talk about it."

The swordsman's jaw clenched and his plate tinkled again against the pile when he put it down a little too hard. "Whether you like it or not, you're hurt and you'll have to rely on someone to move on. If you could do it alone, you'd have done it a long time ago."

Sanji looked down at the hot water for a second, his hands mechanically rubbing the glass he had grabbed. "I know," He finally admitted.

"So why don't you?" The fencer asked, getting impatient.

"I'm not ready."

"You're not ready?!"

This time, Zoro turned entirely to stare at him directly and Sanji looked away. He knew what the swordsman wanted to tell him right now. How could he not be ready when he had burst into tears in his rival's arms a few days before? How could he delay the inevitable any longer when he had just admitted that he wouldn't be able to do it alone? What more did he need? Did he want to get caught by an enemy when he was agonizing?

After a few seconds, Zoro threw his dish towel on the work plan. The dishes weren't finished but his posture clearly indicated that he didn't give a damn about the state of the galley. Staring hard, he fixed his eyes on the blond's. "If you fuck up the crew, I'll hold you personally responsible no matter what Luffy says."

The swordsman brutally turned on his heels and Sanji tensed when the door slammed behind him. He closed his eyes for a second and forced himself to breathe calmly. Worse than the cold anger of the fencer, he hadn't missed his disappointment and it was this aspect that made him shiver.

The cook leaned over his sink, hunching his shoulders. Zoro didn't understand. The solution he offered him wasn't enough. Sanji had already turned the problem over a thousand times in his head over the past three days.

He had dismissed the idea of admitting his anxiety in front of the crew because it would highlight the scared child he had been and had wanted to get rid of. It would expose his innermost wounds and return the image of a weakened man on whom his friends couldn't rely on. To impose on his crewmates to take them into account would be the equivalent of a burden he would force them to carry again and he refused it. The guilt would crush him to such an extent that he wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror.

Indeed, this part of his history belonged to him and evoking it with those he loved the most seemed insurmountable. In other circumstances, he would have considered opening up to an outsider who would have helped him take a step back. But in the face of people he didn't want to disappoint, exposing his torments and shameful thoughts was impossible. Later maybe, he could explain to his friends what he had been through. Maybe he could show them the wounds and scars he still bore. But not now. Not when his wounds reopened and his fears paralyzed him.

He was left with only one option. He had to regain control of his mind to prove that he belonged among them. He had to assure them of his unfailing presence in all circumstances and to live up to the hopes they had naturally placed in him when he had agreed to join the ranks of the future Pirate King. What would they want with a crewmate unable to keep his place and even his role if not?

The cook's fingers whitened on the edge of the sink and his muscles tensed violently, his eyes suddenly flashing with anger. Either way and whether he chose to confide or not, he would have to rub up against his past and this prospect seemed particularly unfair.

Hadn't he already suffered enough because he had had the misfortune to be born among insane people? Was he doomed to live in the Vinsmoke family's shadow even though they had done everything to erase him? Couldn't he just be Sanji?

The blond suddenly raised his head and stared at the white wall of his galley in front of him, more determined than ever. He would prove himself worthy of the thrust Luffy had granted him, no matter what. He couldn't afford to make a mistake anyway.

Now that the stakes are clear, we're going to see how Sanji can meet the challenges.

I hope you continue to enjoy the story!