"Aren't you going to see her?"
The question made Tantai Jin raise his eyes from the report he was reading. He glared at Pian Ran. "Excuse me?"
Pian Ran did not flinch at Tantai Jin's glare. "I know I'm stepping the line here –"
"You are," Tantai Jin tried to cut her off, but the fox was persistent.
"—but both of you are hurting each other and yourselves with this silence between you," Pian Ran continued despite Tantai Jin's protest.
"Have you forgotten what she did to me?" Tantai Jin muttered angrily through clenched teeth.
Pian Ran raised an eyebrow. "She tried to kill you," she shrugged. "So what?"
Tantai Jin widened his eyes at her in disbelief.
"You're still alive, aren't you?" Pian Ran said lightly, but her eyes were serious.
Tantai Jin didn't answer.
"She's also still alive, isn't she?"
Tantai Jin narrowed his eyes at the fox. "What are you getting at?"
To his surprise, Pian Ran smiled sadly at him. "You're both alive. That's what matters," she said, in a tone a lot softer than she had with him. "I know you always say you don't want to see her, but really, don't you want to know why she tried to kill you?"
"She loved Xiao Lin—"
"She could have killed you anytime," Pian Ran said. "When you were the hostage prince, when you returned from the Bo're Life dream, when she served you as your personal maid… she had a lot of opportunities to kill you for Xiao Lin. But she didn't."
Tantai Jin fell silent, and lowered his eyes to avoid Pian Ran's.
"She even agreed to marry you."
Tantai Jin clenched his fist in his sleeves.
Seeing that the emperor was immovable in his seated position, Pian Ran knelt to meet Tantai Jin's eyes. "Don't you want to know?" she asked quietly. "Before it's too late?"
Tantai Jin raised his eyes to her. "What do you mean?"
Pian Ran looked pained. "The attendants found Ye Xiwu unconscious this morning, with blood on her lips," she reported. "I told them to call the physician, pretending that the order came from you, and the physician told me… for some unknown reason, she's losing her eyesight, and even her hearing. The attendants told me she could always be heard crying herself to sleep. She's losing weight, she barely has any appetite, even when I told the attendants to cook her some of her favorite dishes. She's so weak that even a few steps out of her sleeping quarters make her breathe heavily."
Tantai Jin stared coldly at Pian Ran. "I don't care," he said tonelessly, but his eyes grew darker.
"She is my friend, Tantai Jin," Pian Ran said, "but more importantly, she is your beloved." Tantai Jin glared murderously at her, but she never flinched. "You can't lie to someone whose love threads were once lost and now found." She stood and stepped away from him. "Don't make the same mistake I did with Jiang Rao. You should hold her while you have the chance."
"I hate her." Tantai Jin spoke with utter animosity.
Pian Ran smiled sadly again. "Hate is on the same coin as love, Tantai Jin."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The moon was waning, but the light brightened the empty courtyard of the Cold Palace, with its lone occupant standing and looking up at the moon in the midst of it.
That was how Tantai Jin found Ye Xiwu as he stepped onto a balcony of the closest palace which overlooked the Cold Palace. He could see her, but she couldn't, even if Pian Ran was wrong and she did have excellent eyesight.
It was nearly midnight, and even the eunuchs have asked permission to sleep. But Ye Xiwu seemed wide awake, looking up at the waning moon, with a pensive expression on her face. Tantai Jin yearned to know what she was thinking about, before checking himself.
Why should you want to know what a murderous mind like her thinks about?
But despite the voices in his head, Tantai Jin found himself utterly fascinated by the image of Ye Xiwu in the middle of the courtyard, like an image of an unattainable goddess looking up at the skies instead of the unfortunate souls beneath her feet. Her dress may have been unkempt, her hair barely combed properly, and her feet were even bare, but it was her aura and bearing that elevated her to be similar to the statue of a goddess he had once seen in the depths of the Mohe River.
Looking at her dark eyes, Tantai Jin scoffed at Pian Ran's report earlier that Ye Xiwu was losing her sight. That is, until she turned away to go back to the living quarters, and he saw her stumble on obvious obstacles, and hold her hands out to feel her way back.
Tantai Jin's heart throbbed slightly. Just how bad was her condition?
When some time had passed, and he was sure that Ye Xiwu had already fallen asleep, Tantai Jin opened the gate to the Cold Palace, suppressing the unpleasant memories that rose inside him as he stepped inside. He remembered it being run down and messy, but surprisingly, the courtyard was swept clean despite its disuse, which meant that Ye Xiwu had even taken the time to clean up the palace. He gave a glance at the stone pot, which he had filled with water without Ye Xiwu knowing. On the clothesline were some of her dresses and robes, almost threadbare but clean, hung haphazardly. He paused and straightened them, before entering the living quarters.
A single lamplight dimly burned on the table. The floor was swept clean, and the few pieces of furniture were neatly placed, but some of the paper on the doors were torn and missing altogether, and the roof had an obvious hole. Tantai Jin made a mental note to send carpenters to repair them before winter comes.
He quietly entered Ye Xiwu's sleeping quarters. Lying on the hard wooden bed, atop a thin mat, was Ye Xiwu. The quilt that covered her was so thin that she had curled up to retain heat.
A stab of remorse entered Tantai Jin's heart. He sat beside her gently so as not to disturb her. He pulled up the covers and tucked it snugly around her, but he could see that she was still cold. With a deep breath, he took her hand with the Yin bracelet, and felt how thin and fragile her wrist was. He activated the bracelets again, and gritted his teeth as he poured his life force once more into her through the bracelet, effectively rendering useless the demonic elixir that Nian Baiyu procured for him just this morning. When enough life force was in her, he pulled away with a gasp, and gingerly replaced her hand inside the blanket.
Ye Xiwu thankfully was still deep in sleep. Tantai Jin watched the various expressions on her face as she slept, which did not seem to be a peaceful one. Her nightmares are back, he thought listlessly as he remembered how calmly she had slept before…
Tantai Jin shook the memories away. She had always had nightmares that not even he had eased, and he had always felt powerless to dispel them or even comfort her. Now, it was even impossible.
But even just a little bit…
Ye Xiwu gasped suddenly, startling Tantai Jin. Then she started to silently weep, with even a few tears of blood coming out of one of her eyes. He took out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes as gently as he could, all the while noticing how haggard and pale she looks.
"It's so dark…" Ye Xiwu whispered, agony apparent in every word. Tantai Jin winced slightly when he remembered how dark her prison was. "Father… my eye hurts badly…"
Tantai Jin raised a hand to caress the thin face that cried out for help, but he suddenly felt angry at himself and instead clenched into a fist the hand that betrayed his innermost feelings and desires.
I hate her. She tried to kill me! So why am I…
Tantai Jin stood up abruptly, and in a few strides, hurriedly left the room, leaving behind the woman he both loved and hated in equal measure.
Hate is on the same coin as love, Tantai Jin.