My dear little broccolis💚💚💚
💚 So, this story is dedicated to two particular authors with whom I have briefly touched on those issues, and who make amazing stories. paleseptember10 & Krooela. Go check them out, you won't regret it.
💚 Fallen Angel💚
How would have Christian Grey's life turned out if the Greys had intervened when Elena tried to sink her claws into him? Would he still be the same man as we know, or someone completely different ...
‼️Rated M - {Out Of Characters/All Human/Alternate Universe}‼️
‼️Romance/Angst/Drama/Lemons‼️
‼️AS/CG/The Greys/The Steeles/Jack Hyde/Elena Lincoln‼️
💚 READ & REVIEW, DON'T BE A SILENT READER 💚
Chapter 16: The Leap of Faith (2,3K)
Christian's Pov
"I'm an idiot," I say with a sigh, shoving my hands in my pockets as I look at the ceiling of Martha's office. I'm pretty sure that by now I know this ceiling by heart. How many times have I looked at it when I told Martha all about the woes in my life?
And to be fair, before Ana, it had been a while since I talked to Martha whilst looking at the ceiling. According to Martha, it's because looking at the ceiling was a way for me to avoid my issues, so in a way, once again, she is right. I was avoiding what I really thought about Ana.
"Oh?" Martha ponders, surprise clear in her voice. Not that I blame her.
We've already been through this many many times. This whole self-depreciation thing. I've stopped winning and putting myself down years ago. In fact, she even jokes sometimes that I've outgrown this whole thing a little too much when I'm bragging about myself and all of that. But in retrospect, it was leading me nowhere. This kind of thinking only brought depression for me and my family.
Still, no matter how much I have grown and how much I know what I can do, the fact still remains, I am an idiot. A true moronic and dumb idiot.
"It's about Ana," I let her know, keeping my eyes closed. Martha doesn't say a word, and so I continue, "That whole friends thing really sucks!" I let another minute pass by before pondering, "I should have gotten a dog after all."
If I had listened to Martha years ago and taken a pet to help with my touch issues, I would have none by the time I had met Ana and I would have courted her as any other man would have. And most importantly, she would be mine by now, instead of entertaining 'friends' over the weekend.
"What happened?" Martha asks, not even bouncing on the dog line I threw at her. After all, she has been telling me to get one for years. I grind my teeth together, my eyes still closed as I let her know,
"Elliott said that she met with a childhood friend this weekend and that they seemed really close and chummy. Ana and I talk every fucking day of the fucking week, we talk about the weather, and about our families! Heck, I'm pretty sure she knows about me almost as much as Mia and Elliott! And yet, she never said anything about having her boyfriend over this weekend. She saw me Friday night like we do every week, and she …. It just sucks!"
"What does?" Martha asks, and even though I am annoyed that she has decided to go with the useless and cliches questions this time, it is still better than her incessant 'mmmhmmm's.
I take a deep breath, cracking my knuckles in my pockets as I admit, "I don't want her to date some other dude."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a petulant child," I sarcastically snap, finally opening my eyes and tilting my head to glare at her. I know for a fact that if I read her notes, I will find somewhere that she didn't believe me when I said that I just wanted Ana's friendship. Hell, I didn't believe me.
"I thought that you could only get her friendship. Your words if I recall properly."
Once again, I grind my teeth, ignoring the faint taunt in her voice. I don't want hereto throw my words back at my face. I want to have solutions to this fucking problem! Because I know for a fact that I don't want to hear first hand from Ana how her childhood friend José became her boyfriend.
"Well, I obviously want more," I growl but she isn't impressed in the slightest. She pushes her glasses up, her green eyes steady on me as she asks,
"Because of how you feel about her, or because you feel threatened by the apparition of this longtime friend?"
"I don't know," I confess, finally sitting up straight and putting my elbows on my knees as my fingers interlock. "I'm not sure. I mean, I knew from the start that I would only ever be able to offer her my friendship…
And she's drop-dead gorgeous and smart, and funny, and sweet. So it's fucking obvious that she wasn't going to stay single since we're friends, of course at some point I will hear about her perfect man …"
But I want to be her perfect man! I want to be the man she talks about to her friends with dreamy eyes and a beautiful grin on her face. I want to be the man she presents to her scary Dad. I want to be the man who takes her breath away. I've fallen asleep many times to this particular fantasy.
But in the meantime, what kind of romantic relationship can I offer her when I can't bear the thought of being touched? She could never just come up to me and surprise me from behind or kiss me because she feels like it, or even just undress me as we would make love. Very few people would settle for that kind of restrictive relationship. Especially when they have many other choices.
"Christian … I know you have said many times in the past that what was happening between Ana and you was only friendship, and I have let you. But deep down, did you ever believe that?"
I stay silent, looking down at the floor. If I am being honest with myself, I know what I want deep down. I want the whole apple-pie thing worthy of a silly rom-com. But … deep down, the truth is, I am afraid of her rejection, or worse her judgement.
"Christian?"
"I don't know," I lie, not looking up, and I am rewarded by her infamous,
"Mmmhmmm. Okay, let me phrase it some other way. How long has it been since you have been to the club?"
"You know how long it's been." In all honesty, I'm not even sure. I stopped counting. All I know is that I stopped going when Ana went skinny-dipping. It was more appealing to think of her naked and wet than to watch two people getting rocks off.
"And why has it been so long? You usually go there every week, …religiously," she adds with a touch of humour in her tone. After all, there is nothing religious about going to a BDSM club to watch a scene.
"You know why."
"Humour me."
"Because I'd rather stay at home and jerk off at the thought of Ana and me."
She nods, writing something on her notepad. "And is that normal friendship behaviour?"
"Oh? So now we're going into the realm of what is normal and what is not?" I call her out because, during all my years of therapy, Martha has been a big preacher that there is no norm and that I shouldn't put myself down because I didn't conform to what society made me believe I should be.
She gives me a pointed look because we both know I am playing with words and avid the true question; and then she goes for the kill, "Do you think that Ana is going to pursue a romantic relationship with this friend of hers?"
"Eliot said that they were pretty close."
"He also said that they were childhood friends. Don't you think that if anything was to ever happen, Ana or her friend would have acted upon it since then?"
I think about it. Both Elliott and Mia have childhood friends of the opposite sex that always remained childhood friends and nothing more. Yes, Mia dated one of them, but it was in high school and when they broke up, they still remained friends. As Martha said, they acted upon their feelings long ago.
Maybe Elliott is just an idiot who sees things where they shouldn't be. Gia is his best friend since he was adopted, and everyone in high school thought that they were together, when they weren't. In fact, Gia had more sexual chemistry with me than with Elliott (especially since she was a brunette at the time). But there was this whole issue of my touch issues so nothing ever happened.
"Now, Christian, we can play this game for a few more weeks where you pretend that your attraction tonal is strictly platonic, or you can ask yourself why you are so bothered at the possibility that she may be dating someone."
"You know why it bothers me!"
"But do you?"
"I can't pursue her, and you know it?"
"And why is that? From what you've told me, Ana seems like a reasonable young woman. Why don't you share with her your concerns in regards to her touching you?"
I pass my hands through my hair, finally admitting to Martha, "I did think about it. Many times. But … Ana is a very touchy person. She always has her hands all over people. What if she says she can't handle it?"
Martha lets out a small sigh and removes hr glasses, looking straight into my eyes as she leans in and asks, "Why do you have to lose, Christian? If she says she can deal with it, you gain the relationship you have wanted with her since the day you met her. If she says you can't, you gain peace of mind."
.~°~. .~°~. .~°~.
All I can think about the next is my session with Martha. She is right, it's a win-win situation. But it's easier said than done. I have only been on one date in my life, and it didn't end so well. And I was a teen back then, so I had the excuse of youth.
Of course, I could ask Elliott for his help, but Elliott is a big gossip when he wants, and I don't want my whole family to make a big deal out of this. And Elliott always grows things out of proportion when it comes to romance.
So here I am, my body physically present at work, but my mind on Ana and how I am going to cross this barrier I have put between us so we can be more than friends.
So I was thinking of Fight Club this Friday, so I can see your brilliant mind work as you try to understand what's going on. ~ Ana
Ana has been coming to my place every Friday for the past few weeks so we could watch movies. It has become our ritual. She comes, I order pizza or takeaway (because there is no way I am going to let her fool me into paying again for food when we're together) and we watch the movie together.
It's actually my favourite time of the week. Part because I get to spend it with Ana whilst watching an interesting movie, partly because she always puts her head on my lap and let me caress her hair. I don't know how this particular routine happened, and I certainly didn't share this with anyone. Both Martha and lion would have made a big deal out of it. They would have tried to analyse the whole thing and I just want to enjoy it.
At first, I start to type but decide against it and press the little camera so I can FaceTime her. At least I will have her reaction raw.
She picks up with a bright smile and I see that she's walking home from work. She is working as the assistant of a fiction editor for a small publishing company called SIP. Which she is quite content with. She gets to read the books for her boss and direct him toward the ones she thinks would make a hit. it's not too demanding according to her.
"Hey, Mr CEO. Aren't you supposed to at least pretend to be working?"
"Why do you think I closed the door of my office?" I joke, making her laugh with me. "Is this a bad time? I can call back later."
"No, no. I decided to walk today because it is such a beautiful day. Take a pick out of your golden tower, you will see that the sun is shining of us mere peasants."
I shake my head and take a pick at her top. She is wearing a sleeveless blouse, slightly unbuttoned at the top revealing a necklace in form of the tree of life. Her sunglasses are on top of her head so I can see her full face, slightly redder than usual.
"So, what's up? I know you've been missing my face, but it's only been four days." She jokes and I clear my throat, sitting up straight and thinking of this as a business transaction. I will not have her see me sweat over this.
"Yeah, about that. I was thinking that this Friday we could go out instead of staying home."
"Wow, Mr I-don't-like-people wants to go to a regular cinema? Do you have a particular movie in mind?"
"No. I was thinking of something that would actually be called a date," I let her know, studying carefully her reaction.
But I have my answer before she can even say anything. Her face crumbles all at once, passing from laughing and carefree to seriousness in the blink of an eye. I guess I will have to settle for peace of mind
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💚Your thoughts and opinions are always welcomed💚
💚 So, Christian finally popped the question ... but apparently Ana isn't up for it?
💚 And we have Jose and Gaia in the story now ... What do you think they will bring?
💚 And no, Jose is not the guy who couldn't understand the meaning of the word no earlier in the story
💚Well, let me know what you thought of this chapter. What was your favourite part? What do you think will happen next?
💚 E L James owns the names of the characters from the Fifty Shades franchise, Everything else is mine (including the mistakes and grammar errors).
Love, Mina 💚💚💚