Disclaimer: New disclaimer to go with the new season! Obviously, I don't own Good Omens or its characters, locations, etc., or else I wouldn't have let Neil Gaiman destroy my entire soul. I love the characters he and Terry Pratchett wrote, and I wouldn't change them for the world, except maybe to make them a bit smarter and more observant. But, alas, that's what fanfiction is for.

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Inside I'm Falling Apart

Chapter Five

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It was another seven months before Aziraphale heard anything from Crowley. He wasn't expecting to be forgiven, but he was desperately hoping they could at least have a conversation. He could feel that Crowley was still sitting on that same stool in that same pub, and he could feel the numbness washing over the demon every day as he worked his way through fifth after fifth of whiskey.

Aziraphale hadn't done much of anything since he came back. He didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't sleep (not that that was something he did anyway), didn't read, didn't even open the bookshop. He sat in his armchair in the flat above the bookshop for the whole seven months, consumed with worry for Crowley and hatred for himself.

He hated that he had done this to Crowley. Hated that he had caused the demon so much pain that he had been drunk for a year straight just to cope. He had known that Crowley loved him even before that last goodbye in the bookshop so many months ago, and he had abandoned the demon at the worst possible moment.

He never should have trusted the Metatron, never should have gone to Heaven thinking he could make a difference when he knew from experience that they were not as good as they liked to believe.

He should have known that the angel were planning another Apocalypse, and he should have known that Crowley would never join him there, because he knew better than anyone how wicked Heaven truly was.

Aziraphale held his head in his hands and cried. He had meant it when he said that he would never forgive himself for what he did to Crowley. He ran his fingers over his lips and cried even harder, knowing how hard it was for Crowley to confess his feeling and even go so far as to kiss him to get his point across, all in vain because Aziraphale was selfish and couldn't see anything past his own wants and desires.

He didn't even know what he would say to Crowley if he had the chance to talk to him again. He would apologize, obviously, but could he ever ask for forgiveness? Did he deserve it? Sure, he had been blinded by his ambitions to make Heaven and the world a better place, but was that really an excuse to abandon the only being in the world that he really loved, and who loved him back? Especially after Crowley had found the courage to tell him how he felt? He felt the answer was a resounding no, and he would not disrespect Crowley by asking to be forgiven. The demon had been abandoned too many times in his long life for Aziraphale to count, and now he had been abandoned by the one person he loved. There was no forgiveness for that.

Just as Aziraphale was considering getting a drink of his own, he heard the Bentley screech up onto the curb and heard Crowley stumble his way into the bookshop. He hadn't even felt the demon move from his stool at the pub, so he must have miracled himself there.

Aziraphale rushed downstairs to find Crowley tip into a shelf and nearly scatter books everywhere, if not for his quick magical reflexes.

"'Ziraphale, m'ready ta talk ff you are." He slurred, tipping dangerously close to another bookshelf.

"Crowley, how drunk are you?" Aziraphale rushed forward and tentatively grabbed the demon's arms, steering him upstairs.

"Jssst a little." Crowley squinted at his fingers as he squeezed them together with a small space between them.

"You should sleep it off, dear." Aziraphale turned Crowley toward his own bedroom and pushed him onto the bed, where the demon laid sprawled out like a starfish.

"D'wanna sleep, wanna do thisss while I still have thh nerve. Annnd the whiskey."

"Crowley, you're extremely intoxicated, and I don't think either of us can do this without a clear head. Sleep. I'll be ready when you wake up." Aziraphale barely finished his sentence before Crowley was snoring lightly. He took the demon's glasses off and set them gently on the end table, turning Crowley so he wasn't sideways on the bed and tucking the blankets around him.

Then he went downstairs and poured himself a glass of wine, trying to prepare for the conversation that was to come.

….

Crowley woke up three weeks later with a dry mouth and a massive headache. He wasn't sure where he was at first, wondering why he was in a room with old fashioned furniture and tartan blankets. Just as he conjured a glass of water and miracled his headache away, he realized exactly where he was.

He jumped out of the bed faster than he thought possible, spilling the water on himself in his hurry. He downed the rest of the glass, grabbed his glasses off the table where Aziraphale had so gently set them, and rushed downstairs as quietly as possible.

He barely remembered his last day at the pub, only noticing his feelings start to bubble to the surface and mix with the ones he was feeling from Aziraphale. He had drank way more that night than he had before, clearly blacking out for the first time in his life, since he didn't remember coming to the bookshop.

He didn't think he was ready for this, so he tried to sneak out of the bookshop without Aziraphale noticing.

Of course, Aziraphale noticed.

"Crowley, please don't leave."

Crowley stopped in his tracks, dreading what was to come. "I don't know if I can do this, Aziraphale." He said quietly, turning in the angel's direction but not looking at him directly. He was not prepared for this, and he wasn't sure what he would do if he looked at Aziraphale directly. He was already feeling to much while staring at the ground.

"I'm begging you to talk to me, Crowley. Scream, swear, cry, whatever you need to do. I understand if you never speak to me again, but please, we need to talk before any decisions like that are made."

"I have nothing to say." Crowley forced out through clenched teeth. He really wanted whiskey.

"Really? You have nothing to say about how I…" Aziraphale sniffled. "How I abandoned you? Crowley, I…"

Crowley looked up, still holding his glasses in his hand, and looked at Aziraphale directly in the eyes. "I forgive you."

A look of utter despair and devastation fell over Aziraphale's face, and Crowley felt a stab of pain in his chest when he saw the tears welling in the angel's eyes.

"Crowley, I can't even begin to explain how unbelievably sorry I am, I…"

"I said I forgive you, Aziraphale. There's nothing left to say." Crowley walked toward the door.

"Please, Crowley, please don't leave."

Crowley turned toward the angel again, feeling his resolve to get the hell out of there crumble into dust. "Why should I stay? So you can use me for company like you've been doing for the last several thousand years, and then throw me away again the first chance you get. You have been abandoning me to go to Heaven for years, Aziraphale, and I've always put up with it because I understood that you wanted to believe in them, even if I didn't feel the same way. But it's un-fucking-believable to me that you would go back there after they tried very hard to destroy the Earth, and us along with it. After I… did what I did. I showed you how I truly felt, and you shoved it back in my face and left me here alone.

"I may be able to forgive you, Aziraphale, but I'm not sure that I can ever forget this. I've been abandoned one too many times, and I'm not going to keep laying down on the floor at your feet just so you can kick me aside and go back to your precious Heaven. I'm done." He had stalked toward the angel while he talked, and now he stood mere feet from his only friend in the world. He could see that he was struggling against his tears.

"Crowley, I'm…"

"Yeah, Aziraphale, you're sorry. I get it. Don't bother." He turned back toward the door.

"Crowley, please, let me say this."

The demon turned back around, clutching his glasses in his hand so tightly he was sure he was bending the frame.

"I… also can't believe that I left you. I was so blinded by my ambitions to make Heaven a better place, and the world along with it, that I lost sight of what's truly important to me. You are… the single most important thing in my life, and I couldn't bare being in Heaven without you. I wanted to make the world a better place, but I think I broke a lot more than I fixed. I understand that I have broken our relationship beyond repair, and I will never forgive myself for it. I am… God, Crowley I'm so sorry that I did this to you. Thinking about how I left you one last time after a lifetime of abandonment makes me feel sick. I…"

"I get it, Aziraphale. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm used to being thrown away."

"No, Crowley, you don't get it! I didn't want to throw you away, I… I shouldn't have thrown you away like that. I didn't realize exactly how important you are to me until I left. I wanted to come back sooner but I didn't think you would ever want to see me again, and…"

"I don't think there is any universe where I would never want to see you again, angel, that's the whole problem. You keep leaving me and I keep crawling back to you on my hands and knees, just for you to pat me on the head and ditch me again at the first opportunity. I can't do that anymore."

"No, listen, I would never do it again! I…"

"That's exactly what you said the last time, when we averted the Apocalypse and you promised to stay with me, on our own side, forever. You said that, Aziraphale, and then you left me again. It's become extremely clear to me that I feel more for you than you ever will for me, and that's something that I have to deal with. I don't think I can do that and be with you in any capacity at the same time."

"Crowley, you don't understand…"

"I think I understand far better than you do."

"No you don't, I…" Aziraphale gave a determined huff and closed the space between them, copying Crowley's actions from so many months ago and grabbing the demon's lapels and kissing him.

Crowley, for his part, was so shocked that he wasn't sure what to do. He knew, logically, that he should pull away, but he couldn't find the heart to do it. He gently placed his hands on Aziraphale's waist and kissed him back, almost wishing that they could erase the last year and go back to how they were before Aziraphale left.

Aziraphale kissed him for a long time, letting go of one side of Crowley's jacket and reaching up to brush his thumb over the side of the demon's face. Crowley shivered at the touch, tightening his hold on the angel's hips and leaning in further.

When Aziraphale finally pulled back, Crowley was struck silent.

"Crowley, I love you. It took me far too long to realize it and I'm so sorry for what I've done to make you think otherwise, but I love you so much. You don't feel anything for me that I don't already feel for you."

"Aziraphale…" Crowley forced back the tears welling in his eyes, letting go of the angel's waist. "You left me. How can I ever trust you again?"

"I will do everything I can to make you trust me again, Crowley. I will not leave you again. I promise."

"You said that the last time, angel." Crowley scrubbed a hand down his face.

"I know I did, dear. I will never forgive myself. But I will be here for you until the end of time, and I will never leave again. I have aligned my priorities now, and you're at the top." Aziraphale brushed a tear off Crowley's cheek, and he unconsciously leaned into the touch.

"I've already forgiven you, Aziraphale, you can do the same." Crowley leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the angel. He wasn't anywhere close to being past what Aziraphale did, but hearing the angel say that he loved him… he buried his face in Aziraphale's shoulder.

Aziraphale tentatively wrapped his arms around Crowley's waist. "I won't."

"Well, you said you'll do everything in your power to make me trust you again, and I'm going to return the favor by doing everything I can to make you forgive yourself." Crowley was shaking from the storm of emotions he was going through, and he tightened his grip on Aziraphale's shoulders. "Please don't leave again." He said quietly, and he felt Aziraphale tremble in his arms.

"Crowley, I won't, I swear to God I won't leave you again." Aziraphale's voice cracked, and he dipped his head into the demon's shoulder.

They stood like that for a long time. Crowley knew that it would take him a long time to get over the hurt and betrayal he felt when Aziraphale left, and he knew the angel was going to run himself into the ground trying to make it up to him. They had to start somewhere, right?

"Angel?" Crowley whispered.

"What is it, dear?"

"I love you too."

A/N: Alright, this is the longest fic I've written in a very long time and I really don't know how good it is because I am very sleep deprived at the moment (thank you, Michigan Department of Corrections, for treating your employees like dog shit!), but I absolutely had to write a fix it fic. I will probably write some one-shots like this in the future but this one just kind of took on a mind of its own and ended up being five chapters. I hope you all enjoyed it, and I really hope that we get a season three to mop up the puddle of tears that Neil left us all in, the bastard. Thank you!