My dear little broccolis💚💚💚

💚 So, this story is dedicated to two particular authors with whom I have briefly touched on those issues, and who make amazing stories. paleseptember10 & Krooela. Go check them out, you won't regret it.

💚 Fallen Angel💚

How would have Christian Grey's life turned out if the Greys had intervened when Elena tried to sink her claws into him? Would he still be the same man as we know, or someone completely different ...

‼️Rated M - {Out Of Characters/All Human/Alternate Universe}‼️

‼️Romance/Angst/Drama/Lemons‼️

‼️AS/CG/The Greys/The Steeles/Jack Hyde/Elena Lincoln‼️

💚 READ & REVIEW, DON'T BE A SILENT READER 💚

Chapter 36: The Sins of the Past (4,2K)

Happy Mother's Day ^^
Christian's Pov

The downside of waking up with Ana is that I don't want to let her go in the morning. Especially when she decided to wear a fucking sexy power suit, all in red with a skirt that embraces perfectly her curves. I tried to convince her to play rookie with me, but she came up with excuses such as work, obligations and paying the rent. As if I couldn't help her with that, really.

So I had to go to work with the image of my sexy girlfriend being untouched for the day. Not that I didn't try anything this morning either. But again, Ana didn't want to be late for work. So I dropped her at her publishing house before Taylor drove me to my own place of work and settled on texting her my frustration.

But that means that I got to banter with her a little, so it could be worse. she could have decided that she didn't like what I did last night.

I have to say, I am quite proud of myself for that. All those nights at the club paid off, even though I was just watching. Now, I can make my girlfriend climax. Though it was with my tongue and fingers last night, so maybe next time I should try to do it with just one or the other.

When I get to my floor, Andrea gives me a debrief of the busy day I have coming, and I internally thank Ana for being so reasonable. This would have been a clusterfuck to work on if I didn't come today. Still, I find the time to tell Andrea to find the idiot's venue with the little information. I have about him. I am buying those pictures, one way or the other.

The day goes as per usual. Ros is back, and Jack managed to pin Andrea so she would lock me a time slot with him. I don't fault him for that. I'm the one who insists on that tradition I started, and I'm the one evading him. For the first time in years. It's just that, now I have better things to do, and I would rather spend my time outside of the office. before, all Jack had to do is pop his head through my office, no matter the time of the day. now, I do count the hours before I can be with a certain someone.

Ana texts me all day long, making me smile through one of my meetings as she lets me know how much her suit has people looking at her as if she was some important CEO. At least she's not resentful. I was worried that yesterday's argument about her wardrobe might become an issue later on. But as usual, Ana is just perfect.

At the end of the day, as per every Monday, I go to Martha's for my weekly session, though I know this one will be a heavy one. I greet her secretary with a nod of my head and go to her office as per usual, sitting on the sofa and waiting for her.

Martha is rarely already in her office when I get here. I used to get so pissed at that, taking it as a lack of respect. Until I confronted her about it and she explained that she did this with all her patients, to give them the comfort of being themselves for a couple of minutes and settle themselves however they wanted without feeling the pressure of her looking at them.

So I sit, letting out a sigh as I rest my head against the headrest and I wait for her. She's never long before coming, and today doesn't change that.

"Good evening, Christian."

I sit a bit straighter as she sits in front of me, and I immediately ask how much I can unload today, "Is there someone after me?"

"No."

"Do you have any plans after me?"

"No. I'm free as a bird."

I nod, leaning my elbows on my knees as I let her know, "I have a lot to unpack today. You're definitely getting a new car out of today's session."

She chuckles and buzzes her secretary to let her know that she'll lock up herself. I used to be pretty open to Martha when I first came here and tell her that she was just a quack trying to get loaded for retirement. And now, it became a running joke between us that every time I would need to say a lot of things that would take longer than a session, she or I would make a comment on how much money she was making out of me.

"Has so much happened in just a week?" she asks, putting her glasses on and opening her notebook. She's definitely going to fill this one today. Over the past couple of years, there have been a few sessions during which Martha didn't write a single word. But then, Ana came into my life, my feelings went all over the place and now my hormones are getting into it as well.

I'm not sure where to begin. What's most important? So much has indeed happened in just a week. Martha needs to be on retainer, it would make my life so much easier.

I sigh, putting some priorities on all the things I want to talk about, and let her know, "I almost called you Friday night."

"Weren't you in Montreal with Ana?"

"I was. And I had a nightmare."

"This isn't the first time you're having a nightmare whilst sleeping with Ana. Didn't you dream of her father when you tried to push your boundaries with her?"

I grimace, not really eager to think of the colonel when I don't need to, and I shake my head,

"It's not my first nightmare, and I doubt it will be the last. and as per usual, Ana was perfect. She … we'll talk about it later. but this nightmare … it was about Elena."

I study her reaction as she raises a surprised eyebrow and writes in her notebook. First of the evening. Martha and I talked plenty about my nightmares, and she's the one who helped me stop having panic attacks every time I would dream of my childhood. But never before have I dreamed of Elena, and she knows it. She was even surprised that this trauma didn't come plague my nights like the one from my young years.

"What do you think triggered it?"

"I don't fucking know. That's why I'm here."

She writes some more, nodding, as she points out, "It's the first time you're 'dreaming' about her."

"I know! And I fucking don't like it! Why is she coming back to ruin my life when it's going so well?"

"How did the nightmare and its content make you feel?"

I think about it, taking note of what she really said. It's not much about the aftermath and what ensues, but the content. And it made me feel … "Dirty. It was just … dirty and wrong. It wasn't like the nightmares I have of the pimp, or when my mother died. It was … wrong. She was all over me, taking advantage of me, and she was saying that she'd own me forever and that's why I can't get further with Ana."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I don't know," I admit with defeat, hanging my head low. I have been thinking about this ever since I woke up from this nightmare. What if that bitch troll is right, and I can never get intimate with Ana? What then? With all the patience she has in the world, there is a point when Ana will be tired of waiting.

"Has Elena ever told you those words or even implied them?"

"No."

"So it is fair to assume that it's your subconscious telling you that. why do you think that is?"

I look down, trying to figure this out and I crack my knuckles as I tentatively wonder, "Because I want to have sex with Ana? But... I don't know. Maybe … maybe I'm afraid it would go wrong and I would lose Ana in the process?"

I see from the corner of my eye that she writes some more and I sigh, leaning back against the headrest and closing my eyes as she points out,

"Didn't you always say that the reason you couldn't get intimate with anyone was because of your touch issue? Not Elena, but your haphephobia."

"Well … maybe I was wrong. Maybe Grace was right and I am more affected than I thought by what the bitch troll did to me."

"Why do you think that?"

I let a small silence grow, trying to see clearly through my thoughts as well as debating on what I wanted to share or not with Martha. After all, it's something special that I shared with Ana. And though Martha is a professional, there are some things I want to keep just between Ana and me. but then again, this whole Elena thing is big, and I need to see clearly in that.

"Yesterday night … Ana and I, we … we were intimate. Just foreplay, no sex. And I thought about Elena in the middle of it."

I keep my eyes closed, but I can hear her write down on her notepad. I wait for her to bounce on it, but when she doesn't, I keep going and explain further why I thought about the bitch troll,

"It wasn't as if I was thinking back about what she did to me. Far from it. I just … I went down on Ana, and this was something the bitch troll never made me do. In fact, it was something she wanted before Eric caught her.

But yesterday, as I went down, I was glad that she didn't take that from me. I was glad to have this first with Ana. And … I don't know. it feels wrong to have thought of her at that moment. I was with Ana. My thoughts should have been on her only."

I hear her write some more but this time she responds immediately, her voice soft and yet firm, "So you admit that Elena stole something from you."

I roll my eyes, repressing a sigh as I look back at Martha and remind her, "We've already been through this shit. She took advantage of me when I was a kid. I know that. I know that she raped me. I know that it was wrong. And I know it was certainly not my fault."

She quirks an eyebrow at me, readjusting her glasses as she points out my own words against me, "Do you realise that this is the first time that you are saying yourself that what she did was rape?"

I think about it, surprised that she noticed this small detail. It's true that I never actually used the word. I always referred to the event as abuse or bad things. The word rape always felt so … wrong. Even before the bitch troll. It always made me uncomfortable and sick to my stomach that this was something that still existed. So I always did my best to distance myself from this word.

and after Elena … it was a way to put even more distance. I knew what happened, I knew the correct word, but I never used it. In a way, it was making the whole situation a little bit less real.

And now … now that I have Ana … well, I have something to compare it to. and the difference is crystal clear. Ana would never do something I wasn't comfortable with. She's the one who keeps telling me to take my time with my issues and to not rush. And I know that I'd never take her consent away from her. No matter what.

"Have you told Ana about Elena?" Martha asks, and this brings me back to the present moment as quick as a slap.

"No!" I strongly say, looking back into her green eyes, not leaving place for arguments. "I don't want her to see me like that!"

"Like what?"

"Like a broken man. There is already this whole thing with my touch issues. and she knows the grand lines of what my life was before being adopted. And she knows I'm a loner who's a bit as social. And now, there is this jealousy thing to top it all. I just … I don't want her to see me like that"

"It seems that Ana has been very considerate and understanding so far. Why would she act any differently in this case?"

"I don't care!" I bark and she writes down all the while telling me, "Christian, the basis of a healthy relationship is honesty and communication."

"She never asked. So I haven't told a single lie."

Martha stares at me with a knowing look and so I look at the ceiling. We've already had a similar conversation about the difference between honesty and half-truths. But I don't care. I don't want Ana to see me like that. I only want Ana to see me with stars in her eyes. Just like she did this morning when she kissed me goodbye after I dropped her off.

"Christian …" Martha condescendingly starts, but I cut her off,

"I don't want to talk about it. We're good as we are, now. I'd she asks, I won't lie. But it's not a piece of information I necessarily want to volunteer."

"What are the chances of anyone asking about sexual abuse without being prompted?" She challenges and I shrug. The truth is, with anyone else, she would be right. but this is Ana we're talking about. My girl is smart and sees things normal people don't.

"Pretty good, to be fair. Ana can be a mind reader when she wants to. That's actually how she told me that she loves me."

Martha stares at me for a couple of seconds before writing down and turning the page of her notebook. She knows I deflected this whole telling Ana thing on purpose, but as I said, I have a lot to unpack, and we've already been here for almost an hour.

"So, did you get your words first?"

"Yes."

"Did you say them back?"

"I didn't have to. She told me that I love her and that she loves me."

"So you haven't told her the words, word for word, yet?"

I shake my head, frowning as I wonder why she asked that particular question and she writes down as she makes her first "Mmmhmm" of the night. I'm not sure why she is making a big deal out of this. Ana knows how I feel about her. She is literally the one who told me so.

Martha flips through her notebook, going back a few pages before she asks me, "You mentioned earlier that there was some jealousy involved in your relationship with Ana. is it on your part, or Ana's?"

For fuck's sake! Why does she have to be so good?!

"Mine. I met Jose."

"Mmmhmmm."

Of course, that's when she decides to be silent. so I explain, "He was half-naked in her apartment and didn't fucking bother to put a shirt on all evening."

And for the first time in years, I see Martha's unmovable face break into a small chuckle that she quickly controls and she regains her features and asks, looking at her notes a few pages before, "Didn't you mention that Ana told you that Jose was like a brother to her?"

"Whatever." I roll my eyes. this is ridiculous. "She might see him as such, but he doesn't. He made this whole photoshoot centred around her. And he was touching her all night long. and he has this stupid nickname for her. and he made clear allusions that he had seen Ana almost naked. And … they're close and he wants to be closer."

"And what did Ana say about this?"

"Nothing! She even kicked me out of the flat afterwards!"

"Oh?"

"Yes! I came to see her, I found a half-naked guy in her flat, and at the end of the evening, she kicked me out whilst her half-naked himbo stayed over."

She writes down on her notepad, asking me, "Did she tell you why?"

"She said that she didn't like me coming because she was entertaining hot men in my absence. and she also claimed that I haven't been nice to her friend. As if he had been nice to me."

"Mmmhmmm."

I heavily sigh, looking at the ceiling and letting all my frustration out about that Jose guy.

"It's just annoying that she sided with him and not with me. I'm her boyfriend, aren't I? And yes, she said she would have a word with him, but at the end of the day, she kept him and kicked me. And they're so close. she's so carefree around him. She doesn't care about what she says, or if she touches him. All night long, how many times did she touch his naked chest?! And he clearly wants in her pants. how can she not see that?"

When I finally shut up to catch my breath, I look at her. She's been writing. When she stops, she asks something that puts some perspective on my feelings of jealousy, "Are you jealous of Jose, or are you jealous of the relationship she has with Ana and the physical freedom she has around him?"

That's a good point. Every time I saw Ana's hand inadvertently touching her friend, without a care in the words and as if it was the most normal and natural thing in the world, I wished it had been me. Maybe Martha is right. But still,

"He was still obnoxious. And he knows more about her than I," I belligerently say. She quicks an eyebrow and reminds me,

"Don't your siblings know more about you than Ana does? Elena for instance?"

"It's not the same. we grew up together."

'Oh? So Jose is a new friend of Ana's? They didn't grow up together?" She asks, writing down on her notepad and I shake my head. according to Ana, they've known each other since birth.

"It's not the same, and you can't change my mind on it. I literally held Mia in my arms when she was a baby. I learned to swim alongside Elliott. We picked up apples together at our grandfather's. We shared secrets together that our parents knew nothing about. We … are a true sibship. Not some make-believe to make a male-female friendship more acceptable."

Martha writes some more, turning a page and then she asks, "How do you know he knows more than you do about Ana?"

I crack my knuckles again, though, at this point, I just try because nothing cracks and I look back at the ceiling as I tell her about the bizarre way both Ana and Jose reacted when her pictures came on the screen.

"He almost slipped up something, and he seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't know that thing. But Ana never mentioned it again, and i'm not sure how to bring it up. I don't want to talk to her about that … himbo."

I let her write, and when she's done she flips back a few pages, frowning before she says, "So Ana does have pictures of herself. Just not in her home."

I nod. "she took a few pictures with me in Montreal. But she asked me not to print them."

She writes some more, flipping back and forth to her notes from previous sessions. "Did you ask her why?"

"yes. She said that she doesn't like what she sees. But she also says that she knows that she's beautiful. So your theory doesn't work."

I swear I gave her enough to write a whole novel about me today. It's been years since she wrote so much. and I don't think I remember her going back so much to her precedent notes.

"I want to bring her here with me. For a session," I let her know. This has been brewing in my mind for a while now. Whatever is bugging Ana, I feel she would feel much better if she talked about it in therapy. but knowing her, she will never agree for me to pay for it. So, this seems like the safest option.

"I am not a couples therapist, Christian."

"What? No! Our couple is very good as it is. I mean, for her. So she can talk, you know."

"I am not Ana's therapist either."

"But … I really think talking to a professional will do her some good."

"You can't force therapy unto someone, Christian. Is she even aware of those plans of yours?"

"No."

"In that case, you can't bring her and trap her into a session. You can bring her as part of your support system, just like we did in the past with your family. but nothing more."

I nod, understanding, but I still justify my train of thoughts, "There is just something … odd."

"Is it odd, or is it usual to you?"

"I don't know. Because to be fair, she never alluded to any sort of trauma. and she told me about her Mom, but … it makes nose sense. she obviously loves her. And from what she says, her parents are still very much in love. and yet they divorced. And apparently, her Mom had nightmares too, and her Dad used to be the one to calm her down. and yet, she left her family. it just doesn't make sense. this whole family is … odd."

"Did you ask her about it?"

I grimace because I'm not sure I want answers on her odd family. What if I learn she's okay with something that is a huge no for me? "Not really. We've briefly talked about them, but nothing serious. After meeting my folks, she said that she wants me to meet her Dad, but said nothing about her Mom. And she hasn't brought up the issue again."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because her Dad is a particular man and I don't necessarily want to see him more than necessary." I want to live, woman!

Martha nods, writing some more in her notepad and I let her know about something that has been floating in my head for a while now. "I want to have Welch do a deep background check on the Steeles."

I know that he didn't find much on the colonel, but he only did surface-level stuff. And worst-case scenario, I can hire a PI.

"Why would you do that?"

"I want to know."

"Then, why don't you ask Ana?"

"Because … I don't want her to dodge the question."

"don't you trust her?"

"Of course, I fucking do!" I cry out. The more I spend time with her, the more she becomes the person I trust the most in this world. How can anyone think otherwise is beyond me?

"Then why don't you ask her? do you think she would dodge the question, or are you projecting your own plausible reactions unto Ana and expecting her to do the same as you would?"

"I don't know … maybe."

"If you trust Ana, Christian, you should let her tell you about her family's story on her own. not because you did some research on her."

"What if it takes forever?" I counter. Why does everything have to go back to patience?

"Patience is a virtue, Christian," she wisely say, and I let out a disabused dark snicker,

"She said that yesterday night. That I should try to speed things up."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I am not a patient man. You know that, Martha."

"Then ask yourself. Is it worth the risk of losing Ana to do things your way? Because there is so much patience and understanding someone can have. And if you breach that trust she has in you, it will be difficult for you to get it back, if even possible."

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💚Your thoughts and opinions are always welcomed💚

💚Okay, many things happened? What do you think of Christian and his dismissal of the relationship between Ana and Jose?

💚 Now, is there really something going on with Ana's family, or is Christian just overthinking the thing?

💚 And what about Elena and Christian not wanting to talk about it to his girlfriend?

💚Well, let me know what you thought of this chapter. What was your favourite part? What do you think will happen next?

💚 E L James owns the names of the characters from the Fifty Shades franchise, Everything else is mine (including the mistakes and grammar errors).

Love, Mina 💚💚💚