I don't own twilight. What I own is my character's behavior, personality, background, and the plot of the story.
Author's note at the end of the chapter.
"Bella, we have been over this before. I can't help you with your problem if you don't tell me what it is," Bella's therapist, Lily, tells her in frustration.
Bella has been in Lily's office over the last 20 minutes. All she has done is give half-baked sentences and moans about how she is feeling.
"Fine, I will tell you but you can't make fun of me," Bella launches into her story and tells her all of the details, not leaving anything out. Maybe that's why Marco laughed at her. He didn't get the full picture and just assumed that she was jealous that Edward could help Cece and she couldn't. She ought to punch him for his unsupportive behavior.
"You are scared and worried," Lily finishes for her.
Bella sighs in relief for finally being understood and asks her, "I am a bad person for feeling that way?"
Lilly shakes her head and tells her, "Of course not. Since Edward has approached you, all you have done is figure out how to protect Cece and how to fix her relationship with Edward. You never paused to process Edward's return to your life or your worries over Cece."
Bella sinks into the couch content that her feelings are validated and tells her, "Marco thinks I am being jealous."
Lilly rolls her eyes and tells Bella, "Marco is a man. Sure he is better than a lot of men, but at the end of the day, he is a man. Men's emotional maturity and intelligence is very much stunted by the patriarchy. They are taught that if they are strong enough to overpower women and rich enough to spend money on them, there is nothing else they need to put an effort in or try to get women or have a life."
Bella shakes her head and tells her, "But Marco isn't like that."
Lilly nods her head and tells her, "I know that but when the bar is that low, anyone above it will naturally feel good about themselves. Think of it this way, if good parenting was defined as not abusing your child, wouldn't you feel awesome about your parenting?"
Bella nods her head in silence understanding Lily's point. "Forget about Marco. He isn't today's topic. Let's talk about your feelings. How does understanding them make you feel?"
Bella shrugs her shoulder not sure what to say. "There is no wrong answer. Try for me please."
Bella nods her head and leans back into the couch looking at the ceiling as she tries to put her emotions into words. "Relief that I have a legitimate reason for feeling this way. Frustration. I should be over this. I should have moved on from this feeling, but no, I am still in that stupid place where I am letting his behavior influence my feeling and fear. What if that is how I feel for the rest of my life? Cece will never have a normal relationship with her father if I don't get my shit together and feel better."
Lily takes a deep breath as she folds her hands on her desk and tells her, "Let's take things one at a time. "Growth and healing are nonlinear. Some days you will feel completely fine, and other it will feel like you are back to square one. That's natural. You can't judge yourself for not being okay at the snap of a finger."
"But it's been seven years," Bella moans out in frustration.
"Seven years of hardly seeing him, interacting with him, or needing to even think of him. Meeting Marco made it easy for you to get over Edward but everything else? You had no reason to process."
Bella runs her fingers through her hair as she asks, "So what? I am supposed to start healing and everything I have done before is for nothing?"
Lily shakes her had and tells her, "No. The fact is that; the process of healing from a person you do in their presence is different from the one you do in their absence."
"That doesn't make me feel better," Bella whines.
"It's not supposed to make you feel better. It's to make you understand yourself better," Lily tells her.
Bella nods her head in understanding and is quite for a moment and then remembers something. "What about Cece's relationship with Edward? I don't want it to be damaged for the rest of her life because of me."
Lily shakes her head and tells Bella, "It won't. Children are intuitive and they sure notice things, but children are not mind readers, and they are self centered. If their relationship suffers, it will be because of Edward's behavior, not you being apprehensive around him. As long as you make a conscious effort to hide your apprehension from Cece, everything will be fine."
Bella nods her head and silently thinks over what Lily tells her. After that, they talk more about her emotions and how to process them in a healthy way and their session ends.
Bella gets up and walks to the door only to be stopped by a thought in her head. "What if I never forgive Edward?"
"Then you don't."
Hello lovely people,
One foot forward, one foot backward - the title of the chapter- is a Palestinian saying that means that someone is unsure. While that is not what Bella is struggling with, I think it fits this chapter as it encapsulates how healing works.
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Until my next update,
Stay Safe