I don't own Twilight. What I own is my character's behavior, personality, background, and the plot of the story.
Edward tries to smile at Bella once she sits beside him on the porch. It comes out as a grimace but he knows that the sentiment counts. He just finished his talk with Cece. He wasn't expecting what she told him, but he understands.
"I figured 15 minutes is more than enough time for what Cece said to you to sink in," She tells him as she hands him a drink.
"Lemonade. Drink it," She answers his silent question.
"Thanks," he mutters raising the glass before bringing it to his lips.
"I don't think it's bad. I think she just," Bella is stopped when Edward places a finger on her lips to hush her.
"I get it, Bella. I fucked up. I should have picked a gift for her that didn't have any strings attached to it. You told me that Cece is very sensitive. I should have understood that instead of acting recklessly," Edward states in frustration.
Not being able to handle seeing him in this pain, Bella tells him, "In your defense, I should not have okayed the gift either. It was an oversight on my part too."
Edward shakes his head and tells her, "No, no, no. You aren't taking the fall for my mistake. I shouldn't need you to okay gifts for me. I should be able to do that on my own. The fact that I needed your help is a failure on my part."
Bella opens her mouth to disagree but a voice in her head that sounds a lot like her therapist tells her, "Don't you dare. Let him hold himself accountable and kick himself for some time."
She nods her head and both of them sit in silence watching the sunset. The orange splashed on the sky reminded her of the Marigold flowers they saw when they spent a week in California. She finds herself hostage to her memories of their time there until Edward's voice breaks in.
"Do you see yourself having more kids?" Edward asks.
She frowns as she tells him, "What brought this on?"
"Curiosity," Edward tells her shrugging his shoulders.
Bella shakes her head and tells him, "Cece is more than I need."
Edward is silent for a couple of minutes and then he asks her, "What if you meet someone and they want kids?"
She shakes her head and tells him, "That's not going to happen."
"But what if it did happen?"
"It's not gonna happen," Bella tells him and pauses for a moment before continuing, "I am not meeting anyone anytime soon."
"You can't know that," Edward argues cause what she is saying is beyond ridiculous. No one knows the future, but more than that, many men will clamor at the chance of having Bella in their lives and would treat her better. He would like to imagine her never falling for anyone and eventually realizing that he is her only love, but Edward isn't delusional and he knows that he doesn't deserve Bella. That is why he has vowed to himself to never pursue her and let her be with someone that deserves her.
"I can," She tells him with finality and the hard look in her eyes makes him understand why she is this sure.
"Bella you are an amazing person don't let me the one," Edward is stopped by Bella placing her finger on his lips.
"Don't take all the credit for my choice. Let me have some of it," she tells him then drops her hand and turns to the sunset to tell him, "My past relationships played a role in my choice, but it's not everything. I have a job I love, a daughter better than I ever expected, a house I am obsessed with, and friends. I have a life that I love, a life that's not missing anything. It would be extremely difficult for any man to add something to my life. My life is the best it could be and I can't imagine a man making it better."
It's not a lie.
What she tells Edward isn't a lie, but it's not the truth either.
The truth is that she is hurt beyond repair. She gave her all to two relationships that went down in flames and left her with the ashes. All that is left of her is ashes and she doesn't know how to put herself together.
She no longer trusts herself when it comes to love. She trusted herself to make choices for herself and look where they led her. It has already been established that she isn't to be trusted with her heart. Keeping it locked is something she can trust herself to do, but monitoring who enters and who exits isn't.
But more importantly, she is exhausted. She has nothing left to give anyone. She has no love left in her to give. She doesn't know how to love anymore. All her love has been spent on people who ultimately left her, either by forcing her hand to leave or getting tired of her.
She has no interest in dating and it's better this way.
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