A Family Interlude

"My love," Millidiana Claes said, etching the memory of the love in her husband's eyes into her Dark Soul, "this could be the end of all that we know. After today, you might find me repulsive in the extreme, and any love in your heart turned to apathy and disgust. Here, now, know that I love you with all my heart, with all my Dark Soul, with all my being, and that will never change, even should you decide to divorce me and marry some other woman."

Her dear Luigi raised a hand to her cheek tenderly. "My dearest Mili," he said, and she her heart beat furiously, even as sweet water trickled down. "When I first saw you, it was your sister's wedding day. The day when a woman is at her most beautiful and radiant. Yet next to you, she was plain and bland. I have only ever had eyes for you. My heart has only ever belonged to you. No other woman would ever have my eye, no trick of artifice and charm could ever rouse my passion more than the your unsmiling mouth. And when you smile, the whole world, if it knew what it beheld as I did, should by rights stop and stare. You are amazing just the way you are my wife, and you all ways will be. Even should you be afflicted with undeath, know that you would still be the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, even if you should be nothing but bones and Dark Soul."

Off to the side, Keith and Matthew were trying to keep themselves from being physically ill at the shear unironic romance the two had wrapped around themselves, and the servants all frantically tried to look somewhere else, as their master and mistress seemed to intimate to gaze upon, almost as if they were naked and passionate. Only Charlotte, Millidiana's maid, seemed inured, rolling her eyes at them

"Even so, my beloved Luigi, when the time comes, I will know longer be the woman you know. Every disgrace and indignity shall be heaped upon me, and I shall be revealed to you at my basest, lowest, and most disgusting."

"Dear, it's just your family coming to visit, not the Third—sorry, I mean The ADVERSARY And Enemy Of The Alliance sending Lady Steris at you for unpaid taxes and having you exiled," Luigi said. "Everything will be fine. You love them and they love you. No embarrassment without malice cannot be endured." His other hand rose, and now both hands were cupping her cheeks as he smiled warmly. "And if you are revealed to be base, low and disgusting, then I shall spirit you away to my room, and have my way with you so that I might descend to your level, and we shall be together forever."

Keith's hands fell into his face, cheeks burning in mortification and Matthew patted him on the shoulder, knowing all too well the agony of having parents who were in love and not afraid to let everyone know. For the first time since it had happened, Keith was glad that Katarina was away at Maria's so that she could be spared this. He didn't think even his sister could manage to be innocently oblivious in the face of this… this-ness.

"Oh, look auntie!" Matthew said loudly and pointing, unknowingly preventing the Duchess from losing all reason and dragging her husband off to the nearest room with a soft carpet to do unspeakable things to him. "I think that's them over there! Yes, that's mother's carriage Magic Tool, the Shadow Border."

Keith decided then and there that Matthew was his favorite cousin, and that he loved her almost as much as he did Katarina, but in a purely, familial, innocent way. "Shadow Border?" Keith said, just as loudly. "What a strange name! Why is it called that?-!"

"Surprisingly, Auntie Henriette suggested it!" Matthew said. "I think she won a bet or something!"

"Why are you both yelling?" Luigi asked, looking mildly bemused at the two, as Mili hurriedly turned away and allowed Charlotte to hastily apply makeup to her face to try and cover up her burning crimson blush.

"Oh, I'm just excited to see everyone again," Matthew said hastily as the line of carriages came closer. There were more than five vehicles in the train, with several wagons among them.

Charlotte finished applying the makeup, and her grace the Duchess Millidiana Claes of Morpork turned to face the oncoming train of vehicles with an expression of poise and calm. And just like poise, it probably wasn't going to be of any use what so ever, but it let her feel prepared. Taking a deep breath, Mili stepped down in front of where the lead carriage, the one with no horses but seemed to have some sort of strange tank in the back with a chimney sticking out of it. Her husband stepped up next to her, and they both stood ready to greet—

The door was flung open before the carriage even came to a stop, and a blur of red, blue and brown threw itself out the door, and blasted past Mili and Luigi, screaming, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

Next to Keith, Matthew sighed and smartly took a step sideways, away from Keith. Keith looked at his beloved, favorite cousin questioningly, and she gave him a sad, melancholy smile, the smile of someone who was resigned to their terrible fate…

Keith blinked as a red, blue and brown blur tackled Matthew with a cry of "—SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

Matthew fell on her back, but managed to keep her chin tucked in so her head didn't hit the ground. There was only the smallest of resigned grunts as the blur resolved itself in a woman. "My baby!" Leonarudo Romani née Adeth wailed. "I missed you so much! I'm never letting you out of my sight again! You're coming home with me!"

"Hello mother," Matthew said tiredly. "I've missed you too. Can you let me up now?"

"No! You might not come back to me again!"

"Mother, you'll be holding me as I stand up, I'll still be here."

"I don't want to take the risk!"

As Keith stared, getting a very strange feeling as he watched a woman older than his mother acting like… well, a child, he heard a fond yet exasperated sigh. "Hello, Duchess Claes." He looked towards the voice, and saw a tired-looking many with long orange hair held back in a tail speaking to his mother. "Thank you for having us. And as soon as Leona is reasonable again, I'm sure she will agree with me."

"Never!"

Matthew sighed and stood up, her mother still clinging to her. Keith could only stare as his cousin got to her feet with a grown woman hanging from around her neck. "Watch your step, mother," she warned as she descended down the stairs of the Claes manor's front entryway, her mother still hanging from her like… like…

As Keith desperately tried to think of a way to complete that thought besides 'like a Katarina', two young women stepped down from the carriage behind the one who was presumably the Marquis Romani. As his mother's brother-in-law tried to salvage the situation by exchanging formal greetings with his mother and father, his mother caught sight of the two your women. "Olga!" his mother greeted, a wide, Katarina-like smile on her face.

"Auntie Mili!" one of the girls, who had her hair down, replied happily, and Keith watched as his mother and the young woman hugged.

"Ah! Salmon, she's trying to take another one of our daughters away! Stop her!"

Keith stared. He couldn't help it. The world had turned very strange, and Katarina was nowhere in the vicinity to be the cause. Was he going mad? Was this the madness caused by higher education that Maria always warned them about? His mother was acting like Katarina as she chattered enthusiastically with the girl who was presumably his cousin Olga, and then the other girl who, going by the names he overheard, was his cousin Marie…

For the first time in a long, long time, he felt like an outsider in his own home.

The feeling lasted but a moment, and then Matthew was gesturing to him and turning herself so that her mother was facing his general direction. "Mother, I'd like you to meet Cousin Keith. He's been very good to me. Cousin Keith, this embarrassing giant spider clinging to me is my mother, the Marchioness Leonarudo Romani, the foremost expert of Magic Tools in Hasard Duchy."

The Marchioness opened one eye. "How do you do, nephew?" she said cheerfully, and it was a familiar cheerfulness, and the wide, beaming smile on her face was such a familiar smile… "It's so nice to finally meet you! Mili bragged about you constantly when she was over." The smile widened. "How do you feel about coming back with us to Hasard to teach Mili a lesson about taking away cute little daughters?"

"Mother, I asked to come with Aunt Mili, remember?"

"Hush Mashu, Mama is plotting vindictive sibling revenge."

"I'm afraid I have to pass on your offer, Marchioness Leonarudo," Keith said diplomatically.

The woman hanging off Matthew shuddered so hard she had to let go and get back on her feet. "Ugh, don't call me that! You make me sound like some sort of corrupt, wicked woman. We're family, Keith! Call me Aunt Leona!"

She smiled at him, and Keith was struck by her resemblance to both Katarina and her mother. "Ah… all right… Aunt Leona."

"Wonderful! Now come on, let's get a good look at you! Smile!"

Keith glanced at Matthew, who shrugged. He essayed hesitant smile.

"Hmm… I suppose you take after your father…" Leona said. "Well, that's okay! You're still family!" She grabbed his arm. "Come and meet your cousin Marie, I don't think Mili is going to be letting go of Olga any time soon, that daughternapper."

She pulled him down to meet the you young women near mother as his father and the Marquis stood next to each other, both smiling the identical, indulgent smiles of men watching the women the loved being everything they had fallen in love with. Keith knew that look very well. And as he was pulled to towards welcoming smiles—if a bit awkward in the case of Olga—in the sure and thoughtless assured belief that he was family who belonged, Keith felt foolish for thinking he was an outsider for even a moment.

And then it turned out there were two more carriages worth of relatives to meet, all of them treating him like family as a matter of course. And as his mother pulled him forward and introduced him as "My wonderful son Keith," as if she had completely forgotten the fact she hadn't borne him, as he was surrounded by people who smiled the same welcoming, accepting smile of the first person who had ever shown him kindness, Keith Claes once more thanked his luck that the twists and turns of life had led him to meet Katarina Claes.

Katarina arrived around lunchtime. Since she was coming from Maria Campbell's estate, on Maria Campbell's carriage, they were informed of this well in advance, and the entire family was there to meet her when she arrived.

"Hello everyone!" Katarina greeted, completely lacking in decorum and making up for in in sincere appreciation and pleasure. "Hi aunties! Hi uncles! His cousins! It's so nice to see you all again!"

She held out her arms as if expecting hugs.

And normally this would have been the case, but everyone who was not Keith or Matthew were too busy staring at the front of the carriage she'd just come from.

"Where's your carriage driver?" Cousin Olga said, pointing shakily at the front of the carriage.

Katarina blinked and looked, wondering what the problem was. "What carriage driver?"