A/N- Happy Friday everyone!! Here's chapter 19! It was very fun to write and I hope you all enjoy reading it! Thank you again for those of you who are reviewing, reading what you guys think is my favourite part of writing this story. I hope you all have a great weekend and I'll see you with Tobias's POV in chapter 20! Bethany x
Chapter 19
I'm restless, waiting on the palace steps. The summer sun beats down on me, and I can feel beads of sweat rolling down my back. It's a good deal hotter than when I arrived in the late spring, and it's noticeable. I keep my gaze locked on the gates, waiting for Caleb's car to pass through. I was given a vague slot of time for his arrival, and as I look down to check my watch, I see I've been waiting here for over an hour.
I had wanted to be there when he got off the ship, but there was business to be done here. I've come straight here from a meeting with Uriah, Lynn and Will about a new assignment. Tobias and I saw it fit to send people we trust to scout out Erudite. I volunteered my lot, thinking it would be a useful exercise, even if they come back with nothing of value. They'll be there for a week, shadowing Eric's advisors. I took advantage of Eric's uncanny friendliness, and got him to agree to my request. Their cover story is that they're scouting out an Erudite advisor for our team, in reality I want them to keep an eye on anything they deem suspicious. Luckily, Will's sister Cara is one of Eric's advisors, so it will help solidify our story. I'm sure Cara will vouch for Will's legitimacy.
I decided to let them in on our Erudite problem, knowing they would be useful. I talked to Tobias about it and he agreed after I told him what I had planned for them. He's chosen to tell Shauna, Lauren and Zeke also, sending them back to the lake to get a better look at what's going on. Marlene and Christina were a bit disappointed that they couldn't go along, but it would have been a cause for questions if I was sending my ladies to do an advisor's job.
They were all surprised to find out the Erudite were mining for sapphires, but came to accept it quickly. Will was the most unsure out of them all, understandably, and asked a plethora of questions. I had to tell them the power the gems hold, so that Arthurs motives were clear. We threw around ideas, wondering if anyone could use the gem's powers. It was shut down quickly, when we discussed the rejection burn on Arthur's finger. Zeke had volunteered to try it out, but couldn't stand the cold torch. He's now got a pink scar in his centre palm. Questions then rose from questions. If Arthur can't use the stone, then why does he want them? What use are they to him when they seem to only work for me? Do other Princesses around the world have this ability? If so, does my mother know about this? Has she been able to do this all this time?
I hear the door creak open behind me, and when I turn around Marlene and Christina are walking through. I smile at them, glad they came down.
"Not here yet?" Christina asks, coming to stand on my left.
I shake my head, eyes back on the road. I clapped my hands together in front of me, squeezing them together to prevent shaking. I feel Marlene's hand on my right shoulder, and I look over to her. She smiles compassionately. "It's going to be fine. It's your brother!" I give her back a weak smile, then obsessively turn back. Marlene is just trying to be nice, probably thinking I'm worried about seeing my brother again after this time apart. I haven't told her yet about Natalie and Andrew, I haven't told any of them. I was planning to get it all out when we all converged in my office, but when I tried to speak the words, nothing left my lips. Maybe it's better this way, Caleb should know first anyway.
"Tris! Look!" Christina exclaims, ponting through the trees. I peer in, and see something silver pass by. It has to be him. After a few minutes, the car pulls into the circular dive. It comes to a stop just by the fountain, so I descend the steps, wanting to greet him straight away. One of the staff members opens his door, and I see his brown mop of hair pop out. My pace quickens when I see his face. As he turns around and spots me, he grins widely. I expect him to make his way over, but instead he turns back into the car and says something. My steps falter when he opens the door wider. He moves out of the way, and another pair of shoes hit the smooth floor. Black shoes. I look up as they stand, already knowing who it is. Xavier's smirking face meets mine.
I hear mumbles from the girls behind me, but can't concentrate on them. I see them walking towards me, but I feel glued to the concrete. He's here? He shouldn't be here- not right now- not when everythings all still new and raw and-
"She's obviously shocked." Xavier laughs at Caleb. I open my mouth, trying to think of something to say. I shake my head in disbelief.
"How- how are you here?" I managed to force out.
"Hello to you, too." He jokes, pulling me in for a hug. A faint familiar smell of soap and leather hits me, and suddenly I'm squeezing back, hard. This is Xav. I should be excited to see him. I feel Caleb's hand on my back, and I pull back, getting a good look at them both. They look older. My hand goes to touch the frown line between Xav's eyebrows.
He sighs, catching my hand. "It's not been such a smooth transition." Even his voice sounds different. More weary.
I look at Caleb, worried. "For everyone?"
Caleb hesitantly nods. "She's quite a handful, so to speak."
Xav scoffs, looking pointedly at Caleb. "You're being too nice. She's the worst person I've ever met."
Xav wipes his forehead with his palm. I look at Caleb, seeming comfortable as ever. My stomach twists. "Let's go inside." We walk towards the main doors, and I see Christina and Marlene waiting there patiently. When we get to the top of the stairs, I go and stand next to Mar and let Christina greet the boys.
"Surprised?" Mar asks quietly.
"Yeah." I breathe out, turning my head to look at her. Christina must have given her a vague story. "At least Four won't be her until later." He's been in Dauntless for the past few days, and I was looking forward to him coming back, Now, though? The thought of him and Xav meeting properly is making my stomach turn.
"What's going on with you two? Mar asks. "You seem to be getting close."
"I don't know." I say, "I'm waiting for him to make the first move." I sigh, "Everytime I think it's going to happen, something interrupts us and then we act like nothing happened for the next week."
"If you want it, Tris, you have to make that first move." I turn to her, raising a brow. She gets the hint, her cheeks turning pink.
"And what about you, Marlene? Are you going to choose between Uriah and Lynn or have them fighting for your affection forever?"
"Mine's complicated, yours isn't." She states. Her eyes flicker to the trio in front. "Let's do this later." I watch her, seeing how uncomfortable she is talking about this. I let it go for now, and walk over to the others.
We go inside, and I see Xav release the tension in his shoulders. I hold in a laugh, knowing the change in temperature won't be a smooth transition. I pull over a maid when we walk through the foyer, letting him know another guest room is needed. I then lead Caleb and Xav to Caleb's suit. Christina and Marlene go to the informal dining room to see over lunch preparations. Caleb's room is in the guest quarters, in the left wing of the palace. We go up a few flights of stairs and walk through a handful of hallways before coming to their suits. The rooms are some of the nicest in the palace, each with an undisturbed view of the sea. Evelyn let me know this was done on purpose, as it's always in our benefit for guests to be allowed to stay in the most impressive parts of the palace.
I let them in, and settle on the sofa as my brother takes a look around. Xav joins me, and sits so close that our thighs are touching. Memories of how we left off ener my mind. I remember how upset he was and the anger that came with it. I know he'd still like us to work out.
I shift so I'm looking at him, bending my knees on the sofa between us to add some space. "Do you want to talk about what happened before I left?" I want the air to be cleared. I can't stand the thought of there being grudges held between us.
"Yeah," he replies, rubbing the back of his neck. "I wasn't in a good place." His big brown eyes soften further and I see him fidgeting with a ring. " You were leaving for good and there was nothing I could do about it and I was feeling like my whole world was falling down and smashing apart. The world I had planned out for us, gone within a moment." His gaze glazes over, grief pinching his face.
I lean my head on his shoulder, unsure how I could comfort him when I know it's been a great deal harder for him. "It'll get easier over time." I promise.
"The thing is," he starts, "I still want to be King." I look up at him, seeing his conflicting emotions. "I just can't wrap my head around marrying her." He runs his hands through his hair. It's curling around his ears, longer than when I last saw him.
"You've definitely drawn the short straw." Is all I can muster up. It's rough, but there's nothing to be done.
"Thanks." He replies sarcastically.
"You know, you don't have to actually like her to marry her. There's loads of monarchs who have other partners." I laugh at his expression.
"I don't want to have this conversation with you of all people."
I put my hands up in defence. "That's all I had to say."
"The room's way nicer than the guest suites back home." Caleb says, walking through the bedroom door. "The bathroom is the size of my bedroom."
I grin at him as he sits down on the opposite sofa. "You haven't seen anything yet." I say, thinking of my own room.
He raises a brow, taking a sip from his glass of water.
We sat in silence for a while, just enjoying the familiarity of the company. The monotonous quiet stretches and I'm thinking. And thinking and thinking. What if he takes the news like how I did? How would I deal with that? Is it better coming from me versus coming from them? Is he going to want to meet them? Am I ready to talk to them? Find out the real reason why they abandoned us?
"Something on your mind?" My brother asks. I give him a questioning look. "It's a twin thing. No time apart will make me lose it." I smile softly, forever grateful I was chosen to be given a twin.
No holding back now. I nod my head, sitting up straighter. I feel Xav lean forward as well. "You're going to want to put the glass down." I begin, and I see the confusion cross his face. Luckily, he does what I say without question. I hesitate slightly, then blurt it out. "I found our parents."
He gives me a blank stare, then his eyebrows knit together, "What?"
"Our birth parents," I clarify, "they live in Abnegation, here, in Tosken." I wait, holding my breath.
He starts to shake his head, "How is that even possible? We were found on the palace steps, Athua's palace steps." Disbelief lines his voice. ""Have you even spoken to these people?"
Offended, I lose my train of thought. "What? Of course I have- how else would I have figured it out? She didn't even have the guts to tell me herself!"
"So you figured it out? And did she confirm it?" He accuses.
My mouth falls open. Is he accusing me of lying? "She didn't say we weren't!" I feel my side of the argument becoming lost. She never did confirm anything, did she? I just left the house before anyone could say a thing.
"So you haven't spoken to her since?" He says. I shake my head, frowning at him. So much for siblings sticking together.
He sighs, falling into the sofa. "Do you know where they live?" He asks, exasperated.
I slowly nod, feeling like he's not going to like this. "They work here. Their room is somewhere in the staff wing."
"You're joking." He says flatly. I shake my head, feeling foolish. "And you've just been avoiding them."
"Okay, Caleb, that's enough." Xav butts in. "We'll find them tomorrow morning and find out the truth. Bea hasn't done anything wrong."
Caleb huffs, but doesn't say anything. I look at him incredulously, then stand. "I'm leaving. You're being nasty." I keep looking at him, waiting for a response.
He turns to me, amusement filling his face. "I'm being nasty? That's a reach."
I clench my fists. He always does this. And when he starts smirking and laughing I know I've lost. "Do you know what isn't a reach? You-"
"Okay! That's enough!" Xav's hands are on my back, pushing me to the door. "Let's take some time to cool off." I stormed out of the room, not needing Xav's help.
"Slow down." He says, grabbing a hold of my arm. I take in a deep breath, then let it back out. I'm not mad a Xav. I'm not mad at Xav. I slow my steps, letting him walk next to me. "If there's any correlation, I believe you."
I give him a forced feeble smile. "It's better than nothing." He laughs, and I let out a chuckle. I grab his arm, pulling him along. "Want to see my room?"
"Of course." We chat on the way to my bedroom, catching each other up. He's been spending more time in Dauntless as of late, so when I ask about Mum and Dad, he didn't have too many details. He said Caleb would be a better person to ask. I ignored that, I won't be the first one to give in. We come to my quarters and I point down the hall, showing him where my friends stay during their work week.
"They're all really great people." I say, smiling as I think of my Dauntless friends. "They've made it easier to fit in here." My mind drifts to Tobais, but I don't say anything.
We run up the stairs and come to my double doors. I can't help but grin, this feels just like it used to be. "Now, don't be too jealous- I can't help the fortune that has fallen in my lap."
"I can't promise anything!" He jokes back. The shine is back in his eyes. He finally looks like the boy I grew up with. I smile warmly back at him, having missed this.
I go to open the doors, but they disappear from under my hands. I take a step back, taken off guard. I look up and see Tobais standing on the other side, and feel my stomach drop. His smile soon vanishes when he sees Xavier standing next to me.
"You're back early." I try to say lightly.
He nods slowly, peeling his eyes away from Xav and onto me. "Yeah. Thought I'd surprise you. Guess I shouldn't have."
I hear Xav laugh. Please don't make this any worse. "It is a bit creepy to be waiting around in Bea's room." I kick his shin, giving him a face to shut up.
I see Tobais give me a face. The use of my nickname around Tobias makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Christina only tends to use it when we're alone, so I don't know if he's ever heard it before. When it's used around family it feels normal, but now I think of how childish it sounds.
"Please ignore him." I cover, unsure what else to do. This situation is getting worse by the second. Xav probably thinks I don't like any of the Princes, I don't even know what's running through Tobias's mind right now, and I don't even know what Tobais and I are? Even if I was to explain things to Xav, what would I even say? I like Tobais but I'm not 100% sure he even likes me back that way? And to say it to the boy that I am 100% is still in love with me? I think I would rather just jump off the tower. "Xav surprised me by visiting with Caleb." I end up weakly explaining. I can only hope Tobias doesn't think I was keeping this from him.
"I'll leave you to it, then." He says, smiling dryly.
"No-"
"Okay." I stare at Xav incredulously.
"Shut up."
He holds out his hands in a surrender, then pushes past Tobias into my room. I heave a sigh of relief, pushing Tobias out of the doorway and shutting the door behind him.
"I'm sorry about him," I apologise, feeling guilty, "he's found it harder to-"
"Move on?" He interrupts, "Yeah, I can tell." He says it so flatley that I wince.
"Look, Tobias-"
He cuts me off, and I swallow a frustrated scream. "I said I'd leave you to it, and I will. Just let me know next time when you'll be bringing your ex to your bed and I'll keep my distance."
I feel my face drop. He did not just say that. I shake my head, baffled. "Excuse me?"
But he's already going down the stairs, and I don't dare bring myself so low as to chase after him. I let out that pent up frustrated scream, pushing open my doors and storming into my room. I slam the door behind me, making Xavier jump from his place lounging on my bed. Isn't that ironic.
"Trouble in paradise?" He jokes.
I glare at him, taking off my shoe and chucking it at him. He catches it with ease, reminding me that he's also Dauntless. "Could you have been any more rude?"
He sits up, his eyes narrowing. "What's going on, Tris? Do you like him?"
A fresh swell of rage rose up, now directly pointing at him. "Yes, I like him!" I exploded. "But it doesn't matter anymore, because he thinks we're still a thing- probably because I'm there babying you instead of talking to him!" I cover my eyes with my hands, pushing the heel of my palm into the sockets. I breathe in deeply, then exhale. I remove my hands, and go out on the balcony. I lean on the railings, trying to calm down. I shouldn't be mad at Xav, this isn't his fault. The only person I should be mad at is Tobias.
I feel his presence behind me, so I turn, an apology already on my lips. "I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you, I'm sorry." I grimace, feeling as heavy as a boulder. "I didn't want to tell you like this." I turned back around, not prepared to see his reaction. "I thought by the time we'd see each other again, you would have moved on, too, and it would be easy to forget about us." He comes to stand next to me, also leaning on the railings. We look out at the uncharacteristically rough sea. The waves are crashing against each other, and I see dark clouds rolling in.
"You know I could never forget you." He says softly, twisting that ring around his finger. He turns his head, a sad smile on his lips. "I've kept futile hope that we could find a way- even when you told me out right that it was impossible." He laughs bitterly. "All I wanted in my life was to have you. I would have given up everything to have that future lined up for us again."
My throat starts to burn and my vision becomes blurry. I know I would have been happy with Xavier, if I had stayed I would never have questioned my happiness. But I'm not in Athua anymore, I'm not his girl anymore. The guilt rips through me.
"I love you, Bea, you know that." I bite my lip hard, looking at him. I feel like the worst possible version of myself. "I love you enough that I want you to be happy, and if he's the one to do it, then go to him."
The tears spill over, and I don't bother trying to keep them back. This finally feels like an end to a chapter. I've never felt further away from my family as I do right now.
He pulls me in for a tight hug, and I hold him just as tightly. "Don't ever think you're any less important to me." I mumble into his shirt.
He lets out a wet chuckle. "I'd never think that. We've got history." He grabs my upper arms, peeling me off of him. "You need to go."
I wipe my eyes. "I don't know," I say weakly, "he didn't sound like he wanted to be around me."
He gives me a knowing smile. "Words said in anger often have twisted meanings." He pushes back. "Go, Tris, before it's too late." I give him one last wobbly smile, then twist around, running through my room and out the door. My dress travels behind me as I run, flying down the stairs in no time. I pause down the bottom of the spiral staircase, unsure where to look. His room maybe? I wouldn't even know where that is. Could he have gotten on a train to Dauntless? God I hope not. I put the train station as my last resort and go check the stables.
I leave through the front entrance, running through the winding garden path. When I get to the stables, I see that Bess is still there, getting groomed by a stable hand. Good and bad. Bad, he's not here. Good, it means he's not gone somewhere random with the horse. I take the south path down to the beach. It's not long until I'm standing in sand, looking out on an empty beach. My hopes of finding him hit the floor, and I trudge across the sand, towards the rocks. It would be a risky place to sit, with the waves so angry. Rain hits the top of my head and I look up. The sky has turned a sad shade of grey and as I look to the horizon, I can see a storm forming. I'll have to make this quick.
I jump up on the rocks, kicking my one shoe off. I clamber over the slick stone, trying to keep my footing. I make it past the rock Eric and I sat on, then come up to the descent down to the nook where Tobias and I were. I peer down, not actually wanting to go down there. When I look, it doesn't seem familiar. I peer harder, and realise the stone is not there at all, the water is covering it. Right, so he's definitely not here. Frustration hits me hard and I decide to give up. The rain's getting heavier and I'm pretty sure the rock I'm standing on isn't going to be here in a few minutes.
"Tris?" A voice asks, far enough away that I'm not entirely sure it said my name. I look around, wondering where it came from. It repeats again, this time echoing off the rocks by the vicious tidepool. Is someone down there? My heart starts to beat wildly as I grip onto the rock and lean over to make sure no one is stuck.
"Tris!" It says again, but clearer. It's coming from behind me now. I twist my head, and go to stand to see who it is. Just as my eyes catch Tobias's, my foot slips. I fall downwards, scraping against the jagged rock. My arms flail about, trying to find something to grip onto. A sharp sting slices through my leg and my fingers slide through the deep crevice running down the stone. Pain blares in my hands as I try to secure my grip. I feel my nails breaking and skin ripping. My hold is of no use, not with the rain beating down relentlessly and the waves crashing against me. My feet slip into the water.
Death swims at my feet, the waves taunting me with every blow. I feel the numbness creeping up my hands, and I know I won't be able to hold on for much longer.
"Grab my hand." Tobias shouts over the crashing waves. I force my head up, hardly able to see through the downpour.
I shake my head. "I'll just pull you down." I called back. It's too slippery for him to have a good grip. My only option is to swim. I look down at the water and take a deep breath.
"Don't you dare, Tris." Without another word, he's reaching down and grabbing onto me. He pulls me up with enough momentum to have us both sprawling backwards. I fall onto him, and am too exhausted to move. After a few seconds, he sits up, pulling me up with him. He supports my weight as he stares at me. Suddenly embarrassed, I look away.
"What the hell are you doing out here, Tris? Could you have picked a worse place to be right now?" His gaze is frantic, his eyes flickering between mine. His grip is tight, but not tight enough to hurt.
"I was looking for you." I mumble, feeling stupid. I don't know why I even looked, he'd never be dumb enough to go down to a whirlpool in this weather.
He heaves a sigh, then crushes me to his chest. I'm taken aback for a second, expecting more scolding. I forget about my foolishness and relax into his embrace. I try to lift my arms, but they're dead weight at my sides. "Don't ever do that to me again, okay? I don't- I can't lose you."
I nod into his shirt, closing my eyes. I'm exhausted.
"I'm sorry," He says, out of the blue.
"For what?" I murmur into his shirt. I could rack my brain, but that seems like a lot of effort. He pulls me back, and I swallow a groan.
"About earlier." He clarifies. "With you and Xavier."
"There's nothing going on between me and Xav, Tobais." I say in, needing to make things clear. "There's been nothing between us since I left Athua."
I wiped the slick hair off of my face, wishing the rain would let up. I can hardly keep my eyes open.
"I know that. I knew that." He exhales, looking ashamed. His eyes dance around and I can see the thoughts rushing through his head. "Seeing you with him- knowing you two have a past- I don't know- something came over me and I acted out rashly-"
"Something?" I mock, grinning at him. I feel butterflies starting to take flight in my stomach. I tilt my head. "Sounds like you were jealous."
He looks at me knowingly, then innocently smiles. "And what would happen if I was jealous?"
His hand came up to rest on my cheek, the other moving to the nape of my neck. There's not much room between us, with me still sitting sideways in his lap. I blink away water droplets as I look at him. My eyes flicker to his waiting lips.
"I'd probably tell you that I like you, too." I say quietly, my hand slowly moving to his neck.
He leans in and my breath catches in my throat. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to say that."
His lips are on mine in an instant and my breath catches in my throat. His soft, full lips slide against mine with a gentle pressure, giving me a chance to change my mind. I smile, then deepen the kiss, set on my choice. I weave my slightly shaky hands into his wet hair, feeling his grip travel to my waist. I pull him into me, leaning backwards. I lower us to the ground, letting the hard rock anchor us. I go to hook a leg over his thigh-
A sharp pain jolts through my shin and I gasp, my leg feeling like it's been lit on fire. Tobias jumps off me, panic lighting his face. "What's wrong?" He scans my body, his hands hovering in mid air. His gaze comes to a rest on my exposed legs. My dress has been shredded, giving him a perfect view of the large gash running up my shin.
His eyes flash to mine, and he stares at me incredulously. "You've just been keeping this to yourself?" Before I can even respond, he's taken off his t-shirt and wrapped my leg. I bite the inside of my cheek as he tightens the fabric, a spasm going through me. He then swoops down and picks me up into his arms. He makes quick work of the slick rocks and soon we're on the beach.
"I couldn't feel it until now." I wince, dropping my head back onto his shoulder.
"Do you know how bad this makes me feel for kissing you?" I think he says, sounding far away.
I feel my lips pull, and I don't know if I'm giving him a grimace or a smile. "I bet I feel worse."
My eyes start to feel heavy and my leg doesn't hurt as much anymore. I try to tell him this, but my lips feel like they've been glued shut. Dark spots cross my vision and I shut my eyes, trying to make them go away.
"Keep your eyes open, Tris." I think he sounds distressed, but he's so far away, I can't tell. The frantic swaying lessens and the rain becomes background noise. I let myself become lost like a droplet in the ocean, a welcome rest for my tired body.