"I'm nervous," she whispered to Thorongil, straightening out her own clothes at last. She had changed all the children's clothes as fast as she could with Lola's help in the caravan just before they reached Edoras. Then they had spent the final part of the journey watching their approach and admiring the view of King Thengels halls set amidst the stark landscape of the Riddermark. It had left no time for her to change. "Although, I have packed fewer clothes for myself, so perhaps it is better to save them..."
"You have nothing to fear. You travel well, my lady," Thorongil winked at her as he helped her down, followed by the Princes, who immediately stretched themselves and yawned. "It is more important that we have arrived in good time. It means that you will have the chance to present yourself and our little ones here, well at supper..."
After helping Lola and Seraeya down, he brought the boys together and knelt in front of them, immediately gaining their attention.
"Now, listen, my princes," he whispered. "We are in the Kingdom of Rohan, and you are the guest of the King and Queen. So it is important that you are on your best behaviour. I too shall have to behave my best, so we will help each other. What say you both?"
The boys who watched him avidly, looked wide eyed at each other, clearly feeling their self importance much elevated, and then looking back at him, nodded solemnly.
"And it can be dangerous here. They frequently have raids from wild men, orcs and wild wolves," Thorongil whispered to them, still keeping them captivated. "So there really can be absolutely no wondering about. You always stay close to your mother, Lola or me at all times. Is that clear, my princes?"
"Aye..." Thrain led the way with Arun agreeing. "Aye."
Thorongil stood up then and offered his arm to her.
"The place for women here is also not quite as you would approve..." He warned quietly. "It will be regarded with some suspicioun that you may have run off with me, unknown to your husband...so I will explain that one of your aunts married one of my fathers cousins: a political union..."
She looked at him worried.
"You cannot show weakness, my lady. I know your intention was to leave it all behind, but until we reach Lorien, you must remain King Thorin's Consort." He smiled reassuringly. "I imagine he is searching for you as we speak... "
Carrying her daughter on one hip, she took Thorongil's arm nodding.
"I am not sure he would be interested even if he did find out that we came here..." She replied back, her heart still a little heavy. It was hard not to wonder whether he had even realised they were gone yet. She had spent the last few days in their apartment, and Thorin had not returned at all - not even to join them for meals, or sent a note.
Part of her had wanted to stay to fight for her innocence, but the rest of her had given up. If he could not trust her for her word, over Aida's, then he most certainly could not trust her in marriage.
Of course she had not been blame free - but she would never harm Aida, and surely he had to know that?! In fact Aida had tried at least once before to kill her! But who would believe her?
"It matters not. We are here for a rest, until I ask for my leave to take you to Lorien..." Thorongil whispered again as they made their way up to the great halls of Edoras. "To see your family...and as far as they know, your husband has entrusted your safety to me."
She nodded in agreement. Once upon a time she believed that Thorin would fight for her. But now she believed that he would accept her letter once he found it, take a new wife, and move on while she returned back home.
It reminded her of the original story of the little mermaid - the version with the horrible ending, where the Mermaid, now feeling each step of her new legs painful, sees the Prince with another wife, and dances back into the sea, turning into the sea-foam.
Perhaps it was meant as a cautionary tale - a stark warning to all little girls about abandoning everything that you were for a man!
"Are you ready, my lady?" Thorongil interrupted her thoughts. And then he smiled at her again - it was a kindness that made her trust him. "I promise you, no matter what, that I shall accompany you, until you find your way home, my lady..."
He pitied her for the predicament she found herself in, and could only hope the white lady of Lorien could help her. The stories about Thorins grandfather and the greed for gold and jewels had reached Rivendel when he was a child, and he had merely thought it a story to warn children of the dangers of being greedy. But now he imagined it was a greed that came upon many kings, who had enough wealth to covet more.
They did not need to walk far up the grand steps before a young, fair-haired man appeared. He was well dressed and wore a small coronet.
And she immediately recognised him as the young prince Theoden, from when he had visited Erebor!
"Greetings and Welcome to Edoras! Halls of the greatest Horsemasters in all Middle Earth!" He grinned as he approached them, moving straight for Thorongil, whom he embraced without hesitation! Then he instantly turned to her and bowed. "We are most fortunate to be receiving you and your family, your highness."
"Prince Theoden, I am very grateful for your kind hospitality." She curtseyed, bowing her head in return. "I hope it is not too much of an inconvenience to the King and Queen..."
"That would depend on how long you intend to keep your very capable guide and cousin, my lady..."
Another broader man with grey hair emerged from the Great hall. He wore a large crown, a cape with a fur collar, and stood tall, with his broad shoulders.
Initially Shobha paused, but Thorongil gently tugged at her hand as they continued to ascend the steps. Lola and the boys were now very much behind them.
Finally as they reached to top of the steps where the entrance to the halls of Edoras stood, they stopped in front of the man she imagined was King Thengel.
Thorongil bowed, still holding her hand. And she followed with the best possibly curtsey and bow of her head, while holding Seraeya.
Then she stood up as tall as she could, considering she was starting to feel rather short around these very tall men indeed, especially having been taller than most of the dwarves, she found the King had come to stand directly in front of her and was looking at her carefully. It was almost as if he was making a judgement about her silently.
He continued to stand for a long moment, and she too held his gaze, forcing herself not to look away.
Then without warning, he smiled!
"Well, my dear, the King under the Mountain, certainly is a lucky dwarf to have married such a beauty as you!" His smile crickled his blue eyes, and he chuckled. It was a deep sound that rumbled from his chest, sounding much like Thorin. It made her acutely aware of her decision to leave. "And to bear him so many beautiful children - yes - you are most welcome in my halls!"
King Thengel walked ahead, and Thorongil led her on. She briefly glanced back to make sure Lola and the boys were happy. But they seemed more interested in their surroundings. And Theoden who walked beside her, smiled reassuringly.
Passing through a long gallery flanked with carved pillars, they finally reached the two thrones that stood in the very centre.
As they drew nearer, a talk woman stepped forward. She too was dressed in a heavy velvet gown with embroidery, her golden hair was in an elaborate braid and pinned up, with a delicate crown resting on top.
"You did not travel with your husband, my dear...?"
Shobha curtseyed again.
"Regretfully not, my Queen," she replied. "I must meet with Lady Galadriel urgently...and it was fortunate that Lord Thorongil has offered to take us."
"But you travel with your children?"
She asked again. There was a hint of suspicion in her voice that she was trying to hide.
"I am afraid I could not leave my daughter - she is so young. And so my son's did not wish to remain behind," she replied, trying not to sound worried herself. "I am fortunate to have Lola, who travels with us. I do not know what I would do without her."
In that moment Lola stepped forward with the two boys and all three bowed.
"I realise this was a sudden imposition, but we will continue our journey onwards as soon as possible." She added.
But the children seemed to soften the heart of the Queen momentarily, who smiled fondly at them all.
"Well, my dear, you and King Thorin have beautiful children indeed," she smiled. "It is in truth mostly a credit to you for the rigours you must have put your body through. And you are most welcome here. In fact why not break your journey for a little longer if you can?"
She looked at Thorongil, who smiled at the Queen.
"That is most generous, my Queen," Thorongil bowed his head. "I do not think we can refuse such an offer, my lady, it would allow us to ensure the weapons are delivered correctly and we may prepare better for our onward journey."
She nodded, helpless to do any more. Perhaps going home where she could live more freely would be more comfortable after all.
There was an awkward moment of silence as the Queen observed her a little more closely, and King Thengel and Theoden watched on.
Seraeya grumbled leaning against her shoulder, and she instinctively cradled her closer, hiding her face against the little girl. There was only one thing more painful than hiding a broken heart and that was hiding a broken heart from someone who is suspicious enough to poke around.
"The journey has been long for your little ones, and we have prepared some rooms for you. Why not let our guests rest for a little and change for supper," Thengel spoke gently. "We shall see to it that an extra bed is brought in for Lord Thorongil in your rooms."
"We are grateful, my lord." Thorongil agreed as he gently led Shobha on.
They had been led down several corridors, in what looked like a grandly decorated wing, with ornate wood carvings, tapestries and guilded artwork.
"This is the royal wing, so you will be safe here. Our Rohirrim guard this wing," Theoden had led them along after the King and Queen had remained in their grand hall. "Forgive my mother for her inquisitiveness. She is very curious of you, my lady -"
"Partly down to your grand praises, my Lord Theoden," Thorongil confirmed a little irate. "I am afraid, you had left a lasting impression on our Prince, following his visit to Dale..."
"Forgive me for not being able to talk as much, Seraeya was still so young then." She blushed, recalling that Theoden had indeed struck up a conversation with her before she had been cut short when Dis had brought back an inconsolable Seraeya. Of course, Theoden had shared a dance with her earlier that evening also during the grand feast at Dale. But she had arrived late after settling the boys in bed first and they had all shared the babysitting so that Lola and Dis who often helped out could also enjoy the evening.
"I understood, my lady, my own sister had just given birth to her son and often needed the help of two nannies and she had far fewer duties towards our people! So you were most graceful in how you managed so well."
The young Prince blushed this time, as she spotted Thorongil roll his eyes. Fortunately for her Theoden also stopped and opened the door to their rooms in that moment, since she could only just barely stop herself from laughing at Thorongil's reaction.
The boys were the first to run in, pulling Lola along with them.
"Lord Thorongil's usual room is adjoining, here," Theoden pointed out. "But we have added another bed, as we imagine you may wish that he stays with you... And we imagined you would prefer a suite, so that the children would have some room to play. And there is an additional fireplace large enough to boil water for the bath tub -"
"Our thanks, my Prince, but I can help with the water..." Thorongil offered.
"I imagined that her highness may wish for some of our maids to help with her bath, in private, and that you would retire to your rooms then?" Theoden frowned at Thorongil.
"There is no need to be concerned, I would only help with drawing the heavy water, my friend." Thorongil chuckled, giving Theoden a pat on the back. "I am certain, our lady will be most grateful for some privacy. And if she is worried about being alone, we can use the large screen in my rooms."
"Very well," Theoden blushed again, glancing at Shobha and stepping closer to Thorongil. "I am quite eager to hear of your news and travels too, my lord. I am most envious of the time you had to spend in the northern kingdoms..."
Shobha moved inside and fell onto a large couch with Lola and the children. The fire was roaring and the beds arranged together in one room looked freshly made with plenty of warm blankets. She imagined it was cold at night here.
And before long some footmen had brought in their trunks and Theoden had left with Thorongil shutting the door behind.
"Queen Morwen is suspicious. But some of this stems from Prince Theoden and his infatuation with you!" Thorongil shook his head, chuckling to himself. "I am sure he would take you for a wife and declare your children his heirs gladly, if you wished it..?"
"Not if he knew I was an escaped criminal, avoiding a life of being locked away in Thorins apartments for knocking over his great-aunt." She sighed.
"But we saw you mama! That horrid old granny threw herself down!" Arun stood up angrily.
"Oh my baby...you mustn't talk about this, or get involved," she whispered.
"Is that why we have left, Mama?" Thrain asked worried. "Why would Adad send us away like that?"
She fell silent. They could blame her one day for taking them away from their father. But she could not stay in Erebor, that place she once fell in love with and help rebuild, a second longer. And she couldn't trust her children to anyone else while they were so vulnerable and young. Perhaps in another ten years when they were wise enough to look after themselves, she could find a way to send them back.
"Well, come now, my princes, we must get unpacked and ready for supper soon..." Lola interrupted ushering the boys towards the trunks.
"I am genuinely worried - will they inform Thorin?" She asked Thorongil.
"I think you should worry about readying yourself for supper." Thorongil was quick to start drawing water into a large pot which he hung up over the crackling fire. "You will need to be dressed for tonight, and your hair braided. You will need to be presented in their court. That may help your cause.."
...
Thorin stood watching over the valley of Dale. The upper ramparts of the mountain were always a place he had come to for solitude and contemplation. But all he could feel now was the emptiness that numbed his heart.
Even after he had pushed her away, he knew she was near by. Not like this.
He had sometimes snuck into their room just to watch her sleep for a little.
Even if he didn't talk to her, he found comfort in her being nearby. And while he wanted to torture her a little - perhaps a few months - he had always intended to reconcile with her.
In truth he had expected her to have broken long ago. To come crawling to him, to satisfy his ego and beg for forgiveness.
He hadnt expected her to silently fall into a stubborn melancholy.
As the days had gone on, and his body had ached for her more and more, he had hoped that she might have grown angry with him. To have burst into his study one evening and yell at him.
But slowly the days turned into weeks, then months and they had each fallen into a strange stalemate. Each taking a step closer, and then a step back.
And then, just as he was ready to beg her, her admission of how close she had grown to Ulmo had renewed his anger again!
But he should have known that day, when he had dismissed her to their apartment.
Something about her looked broken. It was a hurt on her face that he had never seen before. As though the sparkle in those big doe eyes of hers had faded in a moment.
She had once taken a great risk to help him. To follow him here. He was a fool not to imagine she would just leave him in the same way.
She infuriated him, and at the same time he was nothing without her.
He crossed his arms and looked down at the valley again feeling his ire grow.
Nori, Balin and Dwalin were meant to meet him here.
But they were all late now.
He stopped himself, placing his hands on the stone wall of the ramparts and closed his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath.
Again he took another. And another, until he was a little calmer.
And just as he was about to leave in search of them, the familiar echoes of Balins footsteps sounded from the stone stairwell that led up here.
The white haired dwarf emerged looking thoughtful.
"Ah laddie, my apologies for being late -"
"Well...?" Thorin asked impatiently.
But Balin merely shook his head slowly.
"Where would she have gone?" He fumed. "She could not have left without a soul seeing her. The children were travelling with her, for Mahals sake!"
"I know laddie. I know." Balin agreed soothingly. But the truth was that she clearly had some dwarves that were loyal to her, perhaps even over the king, and these dwarves, whoever they were, had chosen to remain silent. And that was something Balin would not reveal to Thorin in this moment.
"And the maids or the kitchen staff?" Thorin frowned. "Or the washer-dams? Someone must have known or seen something?"
"I'm sorry laddie..." Balin shook his head again.
"They must be lying then," Thorin grunted. "Perhaps cutting their wages might remind them..."
"Och don't be so hasty, Thorin. Those innocent dwarves know nothing." Balin reassured. "But it does mean something else..."
Thorin nodded, silently urging the dwarf on when he hesitated.
"Don't beat about the bush, Balin." Thorin grumbled again, clasping his hands behind his back.
"Well, Thorin...it's all very...neat..." Balin began again, trying to soften what he was about to say. "I fear the lassie may have been thinking about this for some time...I know things have been a little strained for a while, but I didn't realise it had been so long..."
Thorin seemed to freeze at his advisors words. He had never expected her to leave like this.
Balin half opened his mouth and then closed it, falling into silent thought. The truth was he had feared such a fate for some time now. And to make matters worse, he was aware that Dwalin had left in search of her, but had not even entrusted his plans to Balin. So he chose to keep this to himself for a few days yet.
"And Dwalin...? Where is he...?"
"He said he would be here by now... I imagine he was held up somewhere-"
Just as Balin worried about having to lie any further, Nori appeared.
He was short of breath, and his hair ruffled from his run over here.
"My King." Nori puffed as he walked the final few yards over, ruddy faced and still catching his breath.
"Master Nori," Thorin tilted his head in silent greeting. The spy looked like he had news, and so his irritation was a little appeased. "Have your...enquiries...been successful?"
He was sure Nori's methods of enquiry were far from that.
"Sir, they are all keeping quiet. Even with good money. I cannot even say who knows of anything. However, I am aware that the carpenter on the outskirts of Dale received a sizeable fee for something a mere few days prior to her ladyship's departure," Nori looked frustrated. "Only because he suddenly paid off his debts. And one of the low lives in Dale revealed he bought a large number of tanned skins. The sort that could be made into the covering of a wagon..."
"So she had a wagon made for her?!" Thorin spoke in disbelief. There was no way she could have hidden that.
"No Sir, but I suspect she had a wagon altered, to appear as though it had a false back," Nori revealed.
"So that is how she left!"
"But whose wagon, none of the stable hands will say. I suspect one may know." Nori lowered his Voice. "I have only offered money, favours and the services of some of the comely lasses so far, of course...but they like her. Keepin their mouths shut... I could lean on them a little and see...?"
Balin shot Thorin a disapproving look before he could even accept an offer.
"No. Better not." Thorin finally replied with a sigh.
"The drivers that set off will all be back in the next few weeks. I could call on em one by one and see...?" Nori offered. "One of them would have certainly known. After all they would have to stop for rest and food..."
"Laddie, whatever troubled her to leave, well, if she found out that you were having anyone hurt or coerced to find out..." Balin shook his head again. "I doubt then even finding her would be of use, for the lassie probably would not come back to ye."
Nori fell silent too, for he knew it was true.
"I think it is more logical." Balin brushed his beard. "She would have travelled with someone she trusted the children with. They would need a strong guide. And she would be travelling back to her land I suspect..."
Balin knew she was not from a nearby Kingdom. He had listened to the stories disbelievingly when they had rejoined the quest, but it was clear from the way she dressed and spoke that she was not from any Kingdom nearby.
He had feared this all along. But now, Balins words seemed to cut through to him, as though he was awakening from a slumber.
"Where is Dwalin?"
"Och Thorin, I dont know..." Balin offered up a half truth. "But I can look for him after this..."
"Very well. I shall need to see the caravans we sent out for trade that day." Thorin concluded. It was the Lady of Lorien who sent them here from her land. Perhaps it would be the same again?
He needed to think. If he send out a rider to find her in Lorien, it might expedite her taking that final step to crossing back to her world. Perhaps he needed to travel there himself?
"I thank you both for your help..."
"What will you do now?" Balin asked.
"I need some time to think -"
"Sir there is something else I think you should know..." Nori quickly interrupted. "Something, her ladyship asked me to look into a while back..."
He hesitated for a moment under the scrutiny of the King.
"Shobha? Asked YOU to look into a matter?" Thorin repeated, almost disbelieving, for he knew how she felt about him.
"Aye Sir...one of the little lads noticed her tea having something added...and had the sense to knock it over. It spilled onto her clothing, and she had me look into it," he carefully explained. "It turned out to be a very strong poison -"
"How did you know?"
"I had the woman who lives on the edge of town look at it. Her knowledge of potions is like no other.."
"And did you let her know?" Balin cut in impatiently.
"Aye, but she did not feel the incident would be taken seriously. After all, it was only one of the lads who had seen it," Nori shook his head, displaying some sadness in his expression. It was a rare occurrence, from this dwarf especially to see such emotion, which made it all a little more worrying. "And she did not feel anyone would take her word over...Aida..."
The words cut into Thorin, sharper than a blade.
"So what did the lass say?" Balin was unable to keep the anger from his voice now.
"She just said to keep it between us. She knew her place...but I advised her to have her meals in your apartment and the food was brought up by Elin directly." Nori explained. "She was sure none would believe her, Sir and swore me to secrecy!"
"What was the poison?" Balin asked angrily.
"The woman believed it to be waterhemlock."
Balin tutted angrily again.
"This is very serious. Such an attempt should never have been dismissed!" Balin concluded shooting a look of disapproval at Thorin. "She should never have felt so alone that she could not trust another with this. When was this?"
"Not long after Lady Aida came to stay - perhaps a fortnight later?"
"And the attempted abduction and stabbing took place some weeks later..." Balin, who was always so calm, no longer felt it. He hoped that Dwalin would find her, and he even hoped his brother would help her find her way home before Thorin was able to convince her to return! "And I take it that you did not find the servant girl involved..."
Nori shook his head slowly although Balins question had been more of a statement.
"We think she was sent away - but we are looking into the matter -"
"She will never be found laddie." Balin sighed ruefully. In truth he had expected such attempts to have plagued their relationship long ago. But it was no less heartbreaking to have seen it bear result now, when Thorin and the woman had shared so much of a life together. He was also certain that Thorin still listed after her like a young dwarf, from how grumpy he was of late, with rare exceptions on certain occasions when the stark contrast to his disposition implied that the King under the Mountain had indeed claimed his prize! "It would be a fools errand to waste time on this, when her role is now fulfilled..."
Thorin stood in silence feeling as though he had been slapped hard in the face. He had forsaken her in every possible way - failing to protect her or do his duty as a husband. It reminded him of the day he had asked Arun for permission to take his daughter away.
He turned to find Balin walking back towards the stairwell.
"Balin?" Thorin called out quietly.
"Sorry laddie - I cannot listen to this travesty anymore. We have all let the lass down. So I think the best thing I can do now is hope that she returns to her land fast..." Balin replied, with a palpable sadness in his voice. Now it was his turn to decline any further assistance. "And I too, shall return to my work..."
Thorin let him go, for Balin was right. He now felt even more of a fool for even having contemplated Lana's words previously about how he was taken for granted, when it was in fact her, that he had taken for granted.
He turned back to survey the valley below Erebor. The lands that had always been home.
There were only two choices for him now: to let her go knowing that if she were successful in returning, the valar would probably never permit him the same chance again to find her. Or he could go in search of her, and convince her to give him another chance.
So in truth, there was no choice for him it seemed.
...
She took another sip of water attempting to look engaged.
Queen Morwen had laid on a lavish supper for them, and Lola had retired to bed with the children. In truth she longed to sleep too. The journey had been exhausting, and they had all been tensely ready for a raid by wild men throughout, although it had never came to pass.
The King of Rohan had thoroughly enjoyed their company confessing that they had few stately visits of late. And Thorongil had whispered that they had already inspected all the weaponry, being very happy indeed with the craftsmanship and quality of it all!
She simply was not in any mood to eat let alone feast!
She longed to lay in the dark with the rest of her family, cover her face with the blanket and cry.
"Just a little longer, my lady," Thorongil whispered from beside her. "And do not think your sobbing under the blankets at night have gone unnoticed, my lady. Nor will your withering away for lack of appetite..."
"Oh." She looked sidelong at Thorongil. All these days she had thought no one knew that she cried herself to sleep at night.
"The Queen is suspicious, but that is the least of my fears," he whispered quietly. "You'll not last long on the road if you do not eat. So perhaps if you need the focus, then do it for the children's sake..."
She nodded slowly - biting back the tears again. He was right. She had been a fool to imagine nothing beyond her life with Thorin.
"The Queen approaches us." He picked up a carafe and filled her goblet with some water.
Looking up she managed a smile just as the king's consort walked over to take the unoccupied seat beside her.
"It is a shame your King could not join us this time..." Morwen smiled. It was a rehearsed smile. The sort that one gave in disdain. "And you have not yet sent a message to him about your safe arrival...?"
"We sent a message half way along our journey, with the dwarven caravan drivers on their return to Erebor my lady," she explained with as much conviction as she could muster. "Our king will understand if we were to take a day or two to settle down before sending him a message..."
"By which time I suspect a raven may have arrived for you, my lady," Thorongil interrupted. "And it would save us a messenger also.. we must share all the strong men that we can, after all."
"Yes, that is quite right." Morwen nodded thoughtfully, revealing a hint of worry. "Of course that is all the more reason to inform King Thorin as soon as possible. You are also our responsibility now..."
"Very well, my dear. It is not as though you have run away from your husband," she laughed sarcastically, although she watched carefully for both Shobha and Thorongil's reactions. "Then of course we would all be in much trouble, I imagine."
"If our lady had indeed run away, then King Thorin would already be here - demanding my very head I suspect!" Thorongil laughed casually.
"You seem about to cry?" Morwen probed narrowing her eyes at Shobha.
"Forgive me your highness, it has been some years since I journeyed on the quest with my husband and his company to reclaim Erebor. And with the utter comforts of the Mountain, I have forgotten how drying to the eyes, throat and skin, travel can be..."
"And you are a healer of course!" Morwen appeared genuinely surprised. "I am assuming you might have a remedy for these ailments?"
"Would you permit me to show you?" She smiled. "Perhaps if I may have access to your kitchens...?"
"Well my dear... if you truly wish this..." Morwen seemed genuinely flabbergasted by the thought of going to the kitchens. "I shall confess that I do not much go to the kitchens myself..."
"The ointments and drinks I can make using simple ingredients such as lemon, honey, and a few other ingredients are certainly note worthy. It can make your skin softer and even your hair shine..."
"Now, that is quite useful for any woman..." Morwen seemed genuinely intrigued now.
"And I am guessing you would like my assistance?" Thorongil added from beside her.
"I would be very grateful, my Lord Thorongil." She smiled relieved not to be left alone with the Queen.
"Well, now this I must see also!" Prince Theoden chuckled cheekily. "I do not think mother has been to the kitchens in some years!"
Morwen shot him a glare, before returning her gaze to Shobha, and rising from her seat. Shobha, Thorongil and Theoden were all quick to follow.
"Very well, my dear...let us go..."
...
She had cried herself to sleep again that night.
But showing the Queen some recipes to make lemon and honey to soothe the throat and and a paste to help the skin, had left her exhausted.
And so, sleep had fallen on her faster like a dark blanket.
She often saw Thorin in her dreams, but she could never reach him, let alone talk. It was as though he either ignored her or that she had lost her connection. And she simply didn't try to reach him any longer either. She would watch him go about as he did, even walking and talking with Lana in the courtyard garden she had planted with lavender. That had once been a place they had often enjoyed spending time together.
And just watching him like this, often made her heart ache. It had seemed all too easy for him to treat her so coldly.
To simply forget about her.
Of course she was to blame. She shouldn't have kept it from him about Ulmo.
And now even Ulmo, who felt like the last person in the world she could speak to, had been barred from meeting her!
Just like her sleep now, she felt enveloped in utter darkness and despair.
And then a gentle stroke of her hair, made her open her eyes.
The bright light made her blink a few times before she realised that a familiar, strange pair of eyes, the colour of the sea, were looking down at her.
Looking around again she realised she was on Ulmos idyllic beach once more. And he sat beside her, gently stroking her hair.
Surprised and even more grateful for a familiar face, she scrambled up onto her knees and threw her arms around his neck, only barely reaching the tall valar, who was merely propped up on an elbow beside her.
She could feel a large arm wrap around her waist, before she pulled back after a few moments, suddenly worried that she had broken some human-valar-no-touch-rule.
"I am sorry. I am not supposed to touch you, let alone see you right?" She sat back down, her soft white nightgown, billowing around her.
"Do not worry, little one. Your anguish has been too great of late for me to ignore. And I could not leave you to face this alone." He smiled very faintly, although his eyes were clearly sad. "I could feel your pain..."
"But Manwe...won't he be angry?"
"Even my brother cannot stop me from seeing you, if I sense your trouble," he glanced out into the horizon over the gentle turquoise waters. "Besides, I do not think he would be capable of easing that complicated mind of yours...so I am doing him a favour in truth. Remember, the mark you bear means that you belong to me first and foremost. At least, in some part."
She looked down at her hands again, feeling a pang of guilt about Thorin. Her heart felt so torn when she found herself here. Ulmo listened to her, and here on these shores she often felt safe. Of course, there was a time she once felt safe with her husband too. But it had been a long time ago.
"I felt so alone..."
"And I am sorry for that. I thought putting some distance between us would help you." He looked down at her from where he sat on the sand. "I realise now, that was my error..."
She wanted to tell him not to ever leave her like that again, but she held her tongue. Her relationship with Ulmo felt like cheating these days.
"There is no need to say or think or decide anything. You just need some time to rest your overworked mind. Once this fog clears, and the sun shines again, your path ahead will be clearer." He looked back out over his oceans, to avoid looking into her eyes. "Just rest your mind and sleep, knowing that I am here..."
She stood up.
"Could I have a swim first?"
The warm, calm waters here were always relaxing whenever she had entered them. It was like their magical property healed both body and mind!
"As you wish, little one." He smiled.
She took a few more steps towards the water and paused to bury her feet in the sand before turning back to him.
"And what is up with these nightgowns you put me in?" The truth was they were either really soft large nightgowns which sadly turned sheer in the sun, or some form of wedding dress.
"Would you prefer to be rid of your clothes altogether?" The large valar raised an eyebrow, and try as he might to maintain eye contact with her, his gaze drifted down her form for a moment. "Your usual attire is hardly suitable."
"But the moment I swim in this, I might as well be wearing nothing when I emerge from the water..."
Ulmo frowned briefly. Part of him wished to see the soft, thin material cling to her form. And yet he would not take what was not given freely.
"Have you not heard of swimsuits...?" She laughed, a little nervously.
But he seemed to look blankly at her, so she turned back and stepped to the water's edge.
The warm soothing water, like a bath, flowed invitingly around her feet, before ebbing away teasingly.
"If you mean the bathing suits that I have seen in your memories...then you might as well swim with nothing on..." His normally quiet but stern tone sounded a little playful this time. "They only barely cover you..."
And she was lost for words, keeping her gaze fixed on the horizon as her cheeks heated up. Her swim wear had never been that risque, but perhaps for middle earth it was different!
"What is it that really troubles you little one?" He suddenly came to stand just behind her, watching with concern. "This is clearly not about what you wish to wear..."
Realising he was so close made her stiffen up at first, before all her old worries came flooding back to her mind.
She wanted him to touch her, to be held in his arms, but he always kept a respectful distance.
"You said I have a role to play in the future of Arda...but I am so tired. I want to go home..."
"You AND your children," he corrected gently, the pity in his voice, evident once again. "It is not your story alone...there are those who must resolve their mind to become king..."
She stared out across the calm crystal clear waters wondering whom he referred to.
"But I have had enough here. I want to see my parents again..." She felt like a brat for saying it. But she meant it. Her relationship with Thorin felt difficult, and her place in middle earth felt too tough. She just wanted to go home, to her parents. But she wouldnt leave their beautiful children behind. They were so small, they needed her.
"You cannot simply run away because things are hard..." He took a step closer. He could see the marking on her shoulder that his brother had left. It was flamboyant and bold, covering a large part of her brown skin. Typical of Manwe. He took a step closer, restraining the urge to reach out and touch her marked shoulder. "I am sorry this burden has been laid upon your shoulders..."
He could smell the fragrance that lingered in her hair as a gentle breeze played with her long, dark, silky locks, and he closed his eyes.
Manwe had always chastised his empathy towards the children of men, who were cursed with the brevity of their years. And perhaps his brother was right in his judgement, for he had interfered with the lives of men too many times.
But it was not possible to command life giving waters, and be so detached from the lives it touched.
And yet she, was different. Her spirit was stronger than any other he had ever encountered, and would certainly out live her years. So he was glad of his choice in her as a mother to his son, and was determined that once her life was spent on Arda, she would finally spend the remaining here with him, upon these very shores after death claimed her body.
"Then you will never leave me again...?"
Her question took him by surprise, but he did not hesitate in his answer.
"I will be here whenever you need me." He bowed his head. "I am yours as you please.."
In her hour of need, when she felt so homesick, and alone, he would be there for her. And the pantheon of his kin could be damned in their judgement.
"Then turn around...please..." Her warning did not offer him much time as she dove in to the crystal waters, rendering her soft white gown almost entirely sheer, attaching itself to her contours perfectly like a second skin.
It was tempting to stand there and watch, but he could feel the pain she still bore in her heart, and the longing she still carried for her husband, in spite of his cruelty.
So he slowly turned and walked back to sit in the shade.
Perhaps Manwe was right about one thing, they were both courting a limit between man and valar, which had never been crossed.
...
Dear all
sorry its been so long between posts - will try to post sooner next time.
LoneWolfQueen - thank you so much for your review - i totally agree they are both equally to blame. He was very rash in his actions, but she gave up too quickly (and i also think she should have been open about Ulmo from the start). And what was Ulmo thinking - he is meant to be one of the wise valar?! now they are all having to face up the consequences of their actions…how they will resolve this i am not sure…