Homer the Heretic One cold morning when his church pants rip, homer decides to give up church. This time for good.
Plot
Homer is dreaming of himself as a baby in his mother's womb.
"Ahhhh... another day in the womb..." he monologues. He swims about singing along to classical music.
However he is dragged out by the doctor When Mona's water breaks and screams as he's dragged out and wakes up to Marge trying to pull him out of bed one Saturday morning to get ready for church.
"Aaaaaghhh! I'm cold, naked and wet!" Homer cried as Marge pulled him.
"Homer get up!" Marge nagged.
"It's too cold!" Homer retorts. He tucks himself in. Meanwhile a polar bear is going through the bins.
"It's church, you have to go." Marge replies as she throws his church clothes on the bed.
"You mean, because you're making me." Homer retorts.
"Homer, please..." Marge groans.
Marge was not particularly religious, but she forced her family to go to church either out of some long buried guilt, Or because she idolised the Flanders as the perfect example to lead by as civilised, law abiding people instead of finding her own morals.
"Homer..." Marge sighed.
Homer curled up in bed refusing to get up.
Why was he even doing this? What was the purpose of wasting an hour of his life?
Homer reluctantly got up and dressed.
Marge woke the kids.
Bart groaned as Mom pulled open the curtains.
"Come on, get up." Marge was in no mood today.
"I don't have time for this everyone just get up!" Marge yelled in the hallway.
Everyone got up.
"The Lord only asks for an hour a week..." Marge sighed.
Lisa yawned waking herself up.
...
Marge makes sure everyone is getting ready.
"Do I need to wear a tie..." Oscar groaned.
"Yes dear. Now stop trying to asphyxiate yourself with it..." said Marge doing up Oscar's black tie.
"Oz have you seen my pearls..." asked Lisa.
"No, have you seen my pants? They're kinda important. Apparently not everyone wants to see my Winnie the Pooh diaper..." said Oscar.
Lisa sighed.
Eventually everyone's dressed, but Homer can't get his trousers on.
"Suck in your gut! Oh lawdy what are you eating!" Oscar cheered.
Homer paused but had a less violent response to Oscar's cheekiness. "Ahh, you rascal!" *picks Oscar up and noogies him*
"Nnnnngh! I just brushed that!" Oscar whined.
The family sighed glad he stopped strangling Oscar which would get him in a lot of trouble.
"Homer don't mess up his hair..." Marge sighed.
Homer was still struggling with his pants.
"One size, my butt!" He tears them accidentally. "Forget it, Marge. I'm not going! Waste of my Saturdays..." Homer storms off upstairs.
Marge grumbles.
"Homer we're going to church, if this is another of your tantrums..."
Homer slammed the bedroom door shut.
Marge sighed.
"Church?! Oh! Oh! Can I come?! Can I?! Can I?!" said Oscar excited for some odd reason. He's only four.
"Sweetie you are coming." said Marge adjusting his tie.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Bart you know the drill..." Marge frisked him for toys or comic etc.
She groaned finding a blue haired troll doll, A comic and a laser pen.
...
Marge tries to start the car. However it won't start because of the cold weather. She copies the engine's noises with her grumbling.
Lisa bothers her with suggestions how to get the car working. She snaps at Lisa.
"What? What would help?!"
Lisa flinches. "N-nothing."
"Where's Dad?" Bart asked in his church clothes.
"He's um resting..." said Marge annoyed.
"Resting hungover... Resting got fired... help me out here..." Bart sighed.
Marge was too busy flooding the engine frustrated the car wouldn't start.
"I am so tired!" Oscar yawned.
The car eventually started.
Homer was in bed deciding he was a cinnamon bun.
"Mmmmmmm! Cinnamon!" said Homer.
Across Springfield.
"Come along Herschel! We're late for synagogue!" said Rabbi Krustofski.
"Hooahahaha! Ahem sorry. I'll leave the clown horn at home." said Krusty.
"There's no time! Just try and take your faith seriously!" said Rabbi Krustofski.
The Kwik E Mart.
Apu hums while polishing his shrine to Ganesh with a feather duster.
Ganesh sneezes.
"Bless you, Lord Ganesh!" said Apu.
"I request a small tribute of peanuts Mortal!" said Ganesh.
Apu sighed and gave Ganesh some peanuts.
...
Eventually they get to church somehow. However it's freezing cold. Even Maggie's milk is frozen solid.
Oscar shivers.
Maggie laments her frozen milk. Well now she has popsicle.
Lisa shivered and breathed visible condensed breath because of the cold while listening to the Reverend.
"Today the devil walks among us!" Reverend Lovejoy remarks. Bart sees that the bloke in front looks particularly devilish because of his beard.
Bart grabs the man in a chokehold. "I've got him!"
The man gags.
"Bart! Let go of that man!" Marge tells him off.
"Oh, I'm afraid the devil has taken a more subtle form..." Reverend Lovejoy remarks. "Don't be too mad with him, Marge. Boys will be boys..."
"I've never been so insulted! I'm leaving this church!" The man gets up and storms out.
Then Lovejoy spoke about the hellfire etc and Bart warmed up a little while imagining the very hot Hell.
"Oh by the way Reverend, the last and deepest circle of Hell is freezing cold with ice..." said Oscar interrupting.
Bart glared at him. "Great now I'm cold again..."
Eventually it's time to go home. However the door is frozen stuck!
"The door! It won't budge!" Willie explained.
Everyone screams.
"Calm down people. We'll just have to pass the time until Willie gets the doors open." Reverend Lovejoy replied.
Teddy got out of Oscar's back pack.
"Let's spread some cuddles and enjoy the day ahead!" said Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear.
Bart groaned. "That's just lame."
"Fine... I'll go back to being a creep!" Teddy sighed as he tried to sniff Oscar's crotch.
...
Meanwhile Homer lies in bed.
"I feel like a warm toasted cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed!" Homer is content.
"Uh oh! Gotta take a whiz! Think think think! ... Ah, I'll have to get up..." He needed to pee.
He gets up and pees at the toilet naked with the door open. "I'm peeing with the door open, and I'm loving it!"
Homer has a shower while listening to the radio.
"Bet your sweet...(He realises no one's home so he can swear.) Ass!"
"I heard that!" Oscar called from the hall way.
"D'oh!"
"How did you get home?!" Homer asked.
"I can teleport home. No I can't take people with me so your family are stuck in the church with the doors frozen shut. I blame this blizzard on the Viking goddess Skadi..." said Oscar. Skadi is the goddess of ice and winter in Norse mythology.
Homer rolled his eyes. "Well now to watch morning TV that I miss at church." He went downstairs to watch TV.
The dog was juggling and riding a unicycle.
Homer was concerned. The dog seeing he was being watched suddenly returned to lying asleep on the lounge rug.
"Is that what happens while we're all at church?" He asked.
Oscar shrugged.
Synagogue.
"Enough of this messhuggar! Stop juggling Herschel!" Rabbi Krustofski yelled.
Krusty was juggling in Synagogue. He sighed and collected his juggling balls and sat down.
Jurkle wearing a black yarmulke grimaced exasperated.
Kwik e mart.
Apu was on his fourth coffee or something. He works 96 hour shifts, he needs coffee...
"I would like to address the uh... ahem. Well the ME in the room." said Ganesh making elephant puns.
...
In church everyone had to listen to Lovejoy reading from a magazine while Willie using a welding torch thawed the door.
"Are the doors opening yet?" Lovejoy asked.
"Miracles are your department Reverend..." said Groundskeeper Willie.
Then at one point Lovejoy was jabbering about Hell and referring to fire and brimstone and boiling hot lava. Bart imagined the delightful warm imagery of Hell compared to the icy church and rubbed himself to get warm.
Oscar teleported in to pants the Reverend, laugh then warped home.
Marge sighed.
At home Homer watched the Three Stooges with Oscar.
"Ah you must be the chiropractors I ordered! You can start by manipulating my spine!" said a lady.
"Hey boss we don't know anything about Manipulating!" said Curly.
"You heard the lady! Grab her spine and get cracking!" Mod yelled slapping Curly and Larry.
"Ow!"
"Hehehe! Moe is their leader..." said Homer giggling.
"Whoop!whoop!whoop!whoop!" Curly whooped.
"Why you!" Moe yelled and hit Curly. Curly yelped.
At Church Willie finally got the door open.
"Huzzah!" Everyone cheered. They rushed to escape and Bart crowd surfed on top of them to get out.
"Whoop! Oopsa daisy! Coming through! Love the hat." said Bart riding the crowd to get out first.
Marge spoke to the Reverend. "Um Homer is a little under the weather..." said Marge.
"Uh Huh or under the covers!?" Lovejoy quipped annoyed.
Marge was ashamed.
"Marge, Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins." said Lovejoy.
Plot 2
At home Homer prayed to the TV. "Give me some sweet, sweet pap!"
There was a political debate programme.
"Senator about this bill for traffic light costs..."
"Oooooh crap!" Homer groaned.
"We interrupt this boring programme to bring you a football game." said the TV as there was a badass picture of two men in suits beating the crap out of each other on a cliff with fire and lava in the background as the fought with suitcases.
"Yes!" Homer cheered and got up and danced in his dressing gown and bear feet slippers.
Marge was copying the engine again as she tried to get the car started.
Meanwhile at home um...
"Well today Bill we've had three visits from Morganna the kissing bandit and the shocking return of Jim Brown!" Jim Brown was an old football player. If he somehow was still playing he'd be a geriatric using a Zimmer frame as he is eighty four now.
Homer gasped when he saw a coin with Lincoln on it.
"Oh my god! Could it be?!" Homer asked.
Abe Lincoln nodded.
"I found a penny!"
"No fair! I wanna toss it off a really high building like Itchy did and see what happens..." Oscar whined.
"Find your own," said Homer. "Ohh could this be the best moment in my life Abe?" Homer imagined a beer truck crashing and spraying beer everywhere as Homer ran around naked and giggling. "We have a winner!" Homer decided finding a penny was better than a beer truck crashing and spraying beer on him.
Eventually Marge and the kids come home shivering with cold.
"Well look who finally comes home! How was church..." Homer asks sarcastically.
Bart and Lisa groan as the go upstairs to change.
"Well, I had the most wonderful morning! And I owe it all to skipping church!" Homer declares.
Marge is one of her righteous moods... "you're crazy! Kids your dad is just crazy." She brainwashes the kids.
"I will not be slandered like I'm some sort of bad father for not going to church!" Homer yells. "I am sick of being dragged out of bed on my weekends! My weekends! Just to go to some freezing cold church full of hypocrites who don't even actually read their bible! Jesus's blood was wine! He turned water into wine to show his gift! He married a freakin hooker!"
Marge is horrified by Homer's blasphemy. "Kids cover your ears!"
"Oh no you don't! I won't have you brainwash our kids into mini Flanders! That's right, you only go to that church because you have a crush on Ned!"
"I do not! I just want to enrich our lives!" Marge yells.
Now Bart goes against her. "But we don't need our lives enriched! Just leave Dad alone! He's done far worse things than not go to church!"
"Bart has a point, if Dad won't go to church just leave him be..." Lisa adds. "Mom is just trying to help guys..."
"Fine! I'll still be going to church! Anyone who doesn't want to come, suit yourselves!" Marge snapped. She stormed off to her room.
...
That night Homer's trying to sleep but Marge is praying loudly.
"Marge, I'm trying to sleep..." Homer groans.
Marge prays quietly.
Homer tries to seductively get her to come to bed. Ie by stroking her hair.
However she moves down the bed away from him to continue praying.
"I can wait all night..." However Homer dozes off. He has a dream about God visiting him.
Homer is watching TV when God rips off the roof of the house. Omg!
God is very cross that he's not attending church.
"THOU HAVE FORSAKEN THY CHURCH!"
"But!" Homer stammered.
"But what?!" God boomed.
However Homer convinces God that he doesn't like getting up on the weekends having to listen to boring sermons.
"Ugh... Homer sometimes I like to sleep in and watch football... The Dallas cowboys any good?"
Uh not really..." said Homer.
God suggests he'll have words with Reverend Lovejoy. And a canker sore...
"That Lovejoy really displeases me!" said God. "I think I'll give him a canker sore..."
"Give him one from me," said Homer.
"I will." said God.
They then talk about football and God leaves with Homer waving at something in his dream.
"I have to appear in a taco in Mexico! Good bye!" said God. Homer waves at him. In the real world Marge is baffled by a Homer waving at someone in his sleep.
...
The next morning Homer mentions he had a wonderful dream about God.
"Hrrrrm! I very much doubt it." Marge replied. They bicker again about Homer not attending church when he explains God told him to seek a new path.
"What did he look like?" Oscar asked.
"Oz there's a reason that Nazi guy's face melted off in Raiders... somethings are not meant to be seen..." said Teddy.
"And what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every day we're just making God madder and madder!"
"Testify!" Bart starts dancing.
"Homer stop encouraging him!" Marge nags.
Later, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders come to visit to convince Homer to rejoin the church.
"Homer, let me tell you the story of the foolish man who built his house on the sand..." Lovejoy explained.
Oscar sings The foolish man who built his house upon the sand.
Bart groaned.
"Reverend, we're not talking about me building my house on the sand, which is stupid! We're talking about me not going to church!" Homer ranted.
"Look if you don't go to church you'll go to Hell!" Lovejoy ranted.
"Psssh! I've been there! Ned was there as the devil! Now that's Hell!" Homer remarked.
Then Homer tried to recall the reference code to the verse about the foolish man building his house on the sand but got an entirely different chapter and verse.
"And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there" Lovejoy asked reciting it.
Oscar cracked up laughing. "She's gonna be sore in the morning! Gahahahaha!"
"Yes. Think about it." Homer assumed that was the verse he wanted to intend as a counter argument.
Ned and Reverend Lovejoy gave up and went home.
Marge grumbled.
...
Homer is in the garden walking around in a monk's robe. Lisa is worried about him.
"Look, it's my life, and my afterlife!" Homer retorts. Some birds land on him. "Hello my animal friends. Peace be with you."
However the birds are still on him in the shower.
"Guys! Can you give me ten minutes?!" Homer yells.
...
One Saturday morning. Homer is in the living room watching TV. The doorbell rings.
The Flanders are at the door. Homer groans.
"I thought you went bankrupt and left!" said Homer.
"Well a little Margie told me you had lost faith in the good Lord." said Ned.
Homer sighed.
"Now church doesn't have to be boring Homer!" They start singing God said to Noooooaaaah... But Homer slams the door on them.
He then drives somewhere but the Flanders are following him in Ned's Geo and singing. "Hey hose animals! Out on the Arky arky!"
"Leave me alone!" Homer yells and drives off.
"Daddy, the heathen's getting away!" Rod points to Homer driving away in a hurry.
"I see him!" Ned says in a serious tone as he steps on the accelerator.
However Homer drives faster.
Ned can't keep up. "Why did I buy a Geo!" Homer eventually loses him.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheers as he loses the Flanders. However he lands on a boat.
"Hahahahaha! So long Flanders!" Homer taunts Ned. Oscar was standing next to Homer while drinking a Squishee by sucking on the straw. Originally this was supposed to be the cringeworthy meme character Gumbly/Graggle.
"Uh... Where are we going?" Homer asked the mariner in charge of the boat.
"Garbage Island." said the mariner in charge of the boat.
Homer swore but was censored by the boat's klaxon horn.
At home.
"Well now he's gone I can see what cartoons are on in the early morning." said Oscar. Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers was on. "Sweet!"
...
Homer eventually gets home, covered in garbage.
Oscar laughed.
Homer growled.
However at later he gets another annoying call. This time from Krusty who explains an accident where many clowns died.
"There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!" Krusty cries.
"Is this a religious thing..." Homer asks.
"A religious clown thing... yes." Krusty replies.
"No thank you." Homer shuts the door on him.
"Ahehehe! The clowns died..." Oscar laughed.
"I thought you loved clowns." said Homer.
Oscar shrugged.
"Anyway I took the liberty of giving Hugo his freedom..." said Oscar.
Born Free played as Hugo wandered around town.
Android's dungeon.
Comic Book Guy was watching Star Wars.
"Worst Evil Emperor ever!" said Comic Book Guy.
The store bell rang as a customer came in.
"I am about to close for Elevenses!" said Comic Book Guy.
Hugo growled and jabbered before leaving.
Homer came in.
"Ah the heavy sleeper neglecting his faith. No matter, I enjoy my beauty sleep too. Besides I am not religious. I choose instead to worship whatever Klingon culture is. Or that thing where Vulcans get violently horny." said Comic Book Guy.
Homer winced.
...
Homer then goes to Apu's to buy some stuff so he can party each weekend while the family are in church.
"Apu? You're not at church?" Homer asks.
"Oh but I am at my place of worship! I've set up a small shrine to my god, Ganesh in the employee's lounge!"
"Hey Ganesh, want a peanut?" Homer offers Ganesh a peanut.
"Homer stop offering my god a peanut!" Apu is annoyed at him for mocking his god.
"Well Apu, when everyone was picking religions you must have been taking a whizz..." said Homer.
Eventually he gets so annoying that he has to send him out of the shop. "Please leave my shop and come again!"
"Kali Maaaaaaa..." Oscar chanted.
"Buddy you've been doing that ever since we watched Temple of Doom with a Bart last January! It's getting old!" said Teddy his living teddy bear creature. "Try something new like um... Pirate Kali?"
"Oh cooooool! Pirate Kali! Kali Arrrrrrrrr!" said Oscar.
Bless SMITE for their sense of humour...
Plot 3
That evening Homer is trying to convert Moe.
"Sorry Homer, but I was born a snake handler and I'll die a snake handler." Moe replies. He has bites on his hands.
"Hey Homer, so why have you given up church?" Carl asked.
"I was visited by God in a dream and he suggested I seek a new path." said Homer.
"He's being lazy..." said Oscar typing the transcript of this episode while drinking a can of Buzz Cola.
Homer growled at him.
"And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? said Oscar typing. "Eeeeew! That just sounds dirty..."
"I think the transcript wiki meant Bethlehem..." said Moe.
Morganna the kissing bandit, I assume is some sort of harlot, ran in and kissed Barney, Lenny, Carl etc.
(Wet smooches.)
"Morganna no! Leave my barflies alone! You frisky woman!" Moe chased her away.
"Goodbye beautiful!" said Barney drunk.
"Well Moe one of my holidays is um... the feast of... Maximum Occupancy." said Homer.
"You just read my sign didn't you..." Moe sighed.
Peter Griffin arrived.
"I formed my own religion. The church of the Holy Fonzie!"
"Ayyyyyy!" Oscar did the Fonzie sound.
"Ha! He gets it!" said Peter.
"Yeah well make like Fonz and fix my juke box." said Moe.
"We tried that, in reality your wrist would bleed profusely from the glass cutting it..." said Homer.
...
One Saturday morning Homer sleeps in, swears in the shower and dances to loud music in his underwear and slippers.
"Who wears short shorts? I wear shorts!" Plays them music and Homer sings along.
"Oh God! Put some clothes on! Geez!" Oscar winces at the horrid sight of Homer in his underwear. Homer has Who likes Short shorts playing.
Homer then makes moon waffles on a stick of butter and gets bits of waffle stuck to the waffle iron.
"Time to make my patented, space age, out of this world moon waffles." said Homer.
He mixed caramel chunks, waffle batter and liquid smoke together and put the offending mixture directly in the waffle iron. Some dripped out.
"Mmmmmm! Waffle ran off..." Homer groaned with hunger as he licked from his finger some of the raw waffle mixture that was oozing out of the waffle iron.
"Mmmmmmm... salmonella..." said Oscar.
Homer growled at him.
Later. Homer had a cooked waffle in the waffle iron.
"Ah, blessed child of mine. I am your god. Waffles." said the waffle god!
Oscar prostrated himself before the waffle iron.
Homer took the divine waffle that was a bit torn and burnt and wrapped it round a stick of butter and left the waffle iron in a mess, like I said.
"Wait! Where are you taking me!" The waffle god cried.
"Mmmmmm! Sacrilicious..." said Homer.
Oscar winced.
"Do not eat God!" He yelled.
Then Homer takes part in a radio call quiz and wins, a boring debate show is stopped for a football game (he dances in celebration) and finally he finds another penny. He even takes up smoking cigars.
Oscar coughed from the fumes.
...
When she gets home. Marge is annoyed at having to clear out the waffle iron.
"Hrrrrrm!" Marge grumbled. "At least Oscar never made a mess when left alone..."
"I clear up after myself." Oscar replies. Everyone is having lunch.
...
Yet another Church morning.
"I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed." Marge nagged.
"then get off my back woman!" Homer yelled.
Marge left the bedroom in tears dressed for church.
"Mom how comes we have to go to go to church and Dad gets to stay at home and watch cartoons?" Bart whined dressed up in his church clothes with his dorky hair do.
"Hmmmmmm! Fine! You want to be a little hellion! Stay at home then! I really don't care!" Marge yelled.
"Yippee!" Bart cheered and sat down to watch TV with Homer who was sat in his pyjamas watching TV.
Marge was annoyed.
"Homer I'm trying to be a good mother to our children." said Marge.
"No you're being an annoying bible basher! Remember that time Bart cur off Jedediah's head and you kept saying Gambling was evil and and a sin?" said Homer.
"It is a sin!" said Marge.
"Wrong again Marge! I remember my dream quite clearly last night. I was having a blackjack game in heaven with Jesus and Albert Einstein..." said Homer.
Marge was about to lose it.
"If I may give my two cents Dad..." said Lisa.
"No you're an even bigger heathen than Homer! You become a Buddhist in season 13!" said Oscar.
"Impossible! I'd never disappoint Mom like that!" said Lisa.
"And you become vegetarian!" said Oscar.
"No way! I can't live without bacon! Mmmmmm! Salty delicious bacon! (Gargles and drools)" said Lisa.
"Lisa..." Marge sighed.
Marge continued to badger Homer over his lack of faith when she should just leave him alone!
"Marge. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." said Homer watching something funny on TV.
Marge grumbled and went "Ooooooooh!"
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." said Darth Vader.
Oz no!" Bart groaned.
...
Another Saturday morning. Homer is alone again.
"I'm going out, the place is starting to stink..." Oscar groans as he goes out.
Homer shrugged his shoulders.
Oscqr walked the neighbourhood when Krusty explained a supposedly tragic accident.
"Last year tornadoes claimed the lives of 72 clowns. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs and red rubber noses everywhere! It was terrible! (Sobbing)" Krusty cried.
"Krusty that's not tragic. That's hilarious! Cloooowns!" Oscar laughed.
"Hey I thought you loved clowns!" Krusty said annoyed.
"Yeah. But you can turn a tragedy into a comedy by replacing everything with clowns..." said Oscar.
"Do you not care that 72 people died?!" Krusty said annoyed and disgusted.
"Hey you're the one that dressed it up as clowns to make it funny..." said Oscar.
...
Homer made another moon waffle.
"Caramel. Waffle batter, liquid smoke."
This time after making the offending article and wrapping it around a stick of butter we see him eat it in his underwear. However some butter drops on him. "Uh oh! Oh here boy! Here!" He whistles.
Santa's little Helper came in and licked him.
Homer giggled. "Okay! Okay! Hehehehe! Okay enough boy."
Then The dog was circling to find somewhere to go to the bathroom.
"What are you doing?! There! You found the floor!" Homer made him lie down.
Oscar returned while drinking a Squishee.
He winced as Homer was still in his underwear and dressing gown with bear slippers.
...
Homer smokes a cigar then goes to sleep. However his lit cigar starts a fire. The fire grows worse. "Marge, turn down the heat... that's better..." said Homer sleeping while the house was on fire.
Then Santa's Little Helper comes to the rescue but actually he just wants Homer's Hershey's chocolate bar. No Santa's Little Helper! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs! Santa's Little Helper took the chocolate bar.
A flame voiced by Dee Bradley Baker that sounds like Mud Boy applied Logic.
"Uh Fido... Chocolate is poisonous to dogs..." said the cartoon flame but Santa's little Helper didn't care.
Oscar got out a stick. Put a marshmallow on it and roasted it in the flames.
"Kid do you have a death wish or something?!" said the Mudboy sounding flame.
Homer soon realises the house is on fire. Because his hair caught fire and singed him. "Ow!"
"Aaaaagh! A fire! Hold on, what was that song again?" Homer tries to recite a song about fire, but the fumes overwhelm him and he faints.
"Coooool!" said Oscar. He left Homer to die.
Luckily Ned sees Homer's house is on fire and breaks in. He finds him and helps drag him outside.
However there are mishaps like a burning support beam falling over the door.
"Nooooooo!" said Ned.
And the floor collapsing under him as he dangles above the burning basement that's ablaze.
Then the Mudboy voiced cartoon flames in the basement find a box of oily rags.
"Oooooooh! Oily rags! That'll be fun! Mwehehehehe!" said a Mudboy voiced flame.
They spread to the box of oily rags, igniting it. It exploded violently!
...
Meanwhile Apu sees that the Simpsons residence is on fire and calls the Springfield volunteers fire brigade.
Apparently they consist of himself, Krusty, Moe and Milhouse's mom. No I have no idea how Milhouse's Mom fits in as the three ghosts of "Please be religious!"
"The Simpsons house is on fire! Boys I must leave! Will you promise not to steal anything?" Apu asked Jimbo and his friends.
Apu... are you that naive...?!
"We won't..." said the bullies while eating cereal.
Apu realised they weren't to be trusted so from behind the counter he fetched a tiny Indian boy and put him on the till. "Little Jamshed, the store is now in your hands!" said Apu before leaving.
"Oh boy! I have waited for this day!" said Jamshed. He pulled out a pump action shotgun and cocked it! Coooool!
The bullies frightened dropped the cereal they were eating.
...
In the Simpsons house.
Oscar coughed as he raced upstairs. You fool! You'll get trapped.
"I am rescuing someone. Someone who deserves help..." said Oscar coughing from the smoke. He pulled out a powerful shotgun.
In the burning attic Hugo ran about panicking when he winced as the hatch was blasted to pieces, leaving a big hole.
Hugo! Jump!" said Oscar.
Hugo shrugged and jumped down through the hole Oscar blasted with his shotgun.
"Oof!" Oscar grunted because Hugo landed on him.
...
Apu and the fire fighters drive to the Simpsons house, but encounter baby ducks along the way.
"You ducks are really driving my patience!" Apu yells. "But you're so cute!"
Eventually Ned gets Homer outside after some mishaps and the fire brigade arrive. Ned helps Homer regain consciousness.
"Ned! You saved me! But why?!" Homer gasped.
"Heck, you'd do the same for me!" Ned replied.
"Uh yeah..." Homer is thinking of himself lying in a hammock in the garden leaving a screaming Ned to burn to death in his house.
Oscar and Hugo slightly burnt climb out the hole in the window Homer made by catapulting back inside when Ned threw him out the bedroom window onto a mattress.
Marge and the kids arrive home from church.
"Oh my goodness! Homer! Are you alright?" Marge asks.
"I'm fine..." Homer replied.
Plot 4
Homer then spoke with the fire department insurance over destroyed valuables.
"Any valuables?"
"Well there's the Picasso... my collection of classic cars..." said Homer.
"This only covers actual valuables... not made up stuff..." said the firefighter.
"That's just great..." Homer grumbled.
Firefighters left with a burnt and ruined Picasso painting.
"My Picasso!" Oscar screamed.
The fire insurance guy face palmed and wrote annoyed "One Picasso painting. Probably worth thousands..." "Thanks a lot kid..."
Oscar grinned smugly.
Krusty then stumbled out with Snowball II latched to his face screeching.
"I've saved your cat..." Krusty groaned and pulled the cat off of himself. "Ow! That hurt!"
Bart laughed hysterically.
"I'm glad you find that funny kid..." Krusty sighed.
Apu arrived with Santa's Little Helper and Luanne carrying a fish tank with goldfish inside.
Hugo was being treated for smoke inhalation. He had an oxygen mask on.
A flame on the roof of the Simpsons house spread to Flanders house.
"Hey! Ned's a regular church goer! God isn't protecting his house!" said Homer.
"Uh Ned moved out. And I'm guessing God doesn't like the bodybuilder that lives there." said Oscar.
"I'm still not going to church God! In fact my son's gay!" said the neighbour.
God struck the house with lightning as another fire started.
...
That afternoon they had tea in the burnt out kitchen.
"There's an important lesson here..." Homer suggests.
"Yes there is." Marge replies.
"Wait don't tell me. I know what is." Homer thinks. "Oh Lord! What have I done to incur your wrath?!"
"Homer, God didn't set your house on fire!" Ned explained.
"No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew or miscellaneous." Lovejoy added.
"Hindu! There are fifteen hundred million of us!" Apu explained. Annoyed Lovejoy didn't take his religion seriously.
"It's all good..." Lovejoy tries to make up for his ignorance. "Well Homer, will you give church another try?" Lovejoy asked.
"I'll be there, front row center!" Homer declared.
However the next Sunday he was asleep in church snoring. Marge grumbled.
At the Simpsons.
Oscar was sleeping in bed.
He dreamt about shiny nosed cartoon bears.
Baby Oscar was in a playpen with Teddy, his living teddy bear creature.
Oscar cooed.
Teddy grinned and his big wet shiny black nose twitched and quivered as he sniffed.
Baby Oscar winced and sweated. He sat there in just a white nappy with blue tabs.
Teddy grinned and crawled up to him sniffing the floor. He then began sniffing Oscar's nappy.
Baby Oscar winced.
Teddy grinned and kept sniffing him.
...
Outside Ace and Jurkle disliked the lesson of the story.
"Do that's it, God is right and atheists are wrong? What was the point in all that?!" Ace ranted.
I know it's stupid and narrow minded.
Heaven.
Homer is in Heaven walking with God.
"Don't feel bad Homer. Ninety percent of new religions fail." said God.
"Praise Xenu!" said Tom Cruise in Heaven,
"I formed a church centred around worshipping Fonzie!" said Peter Griffin.
"Ugh... Anyway let's walk among the dearly departed..." said God.
Benjamin Franklin was playing air hockey with Jimi Hendrix.
"I win again Hendrix!" said Benjamin Franklin.
"He's a scientist and he OD'ed on drugs and choked on his own puke. You really want him in Heaven..." said Oscar as an angel.
God sighed.
"God? What's the meaning of life?" Homer asked.
"Oh Homer you'll find out when you die..." said God.
"Oh I can't wait that long..." Homer whined.
"You can't wait six months?!" God asked.
"No! Tell me now..."
"Very well... The meaning of life is..." Then Matt has to be a jerk and end the episode.
"42." said Oscar.
"No it's not 42!" said God.
The end.