beast boy's perspective

The sun radiated on my face. I blinked open my eyes and stared at the roof of the tent.

I moved my gaze to Raven, who was sleeping next to me.

I inspected her face.

Her silver cheeks were evenly toned. Loose stands of her violet hair fell into her face. Her nose was slender and under that, was her soft, rosy lips.

I shifted her hair to the side with my hand.

Although her expression was peaceful, I noticed something.

Her cheeks had dried tears on them.

I frowned and kissed her forehead.

"Hmm..." she mumbled drowsily.

"Good Morning, pretty girl." I whispered softly.

"Hey." Raven opened one eye.

"How are you feeling?"

Raven sat up with a sigh.

She blankly stared at the space in front of her.

I decided, Raven probably needed a moment to get her thoughts together.

I waited patiently.

"I want to die." Raven said through gritted teeth.

"Huh?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I. Want. To. Die." Raven's cheeks were heated.

My eyes filled with concern, "Why?"

"I have to wake up every day to the same mess," her fist gripped the sheet, "Everyday is the same mess."

She repeated, then paused.

"Every morning I wake up further away from the day the incident happened. The flashbacks keep making that day fresher than ever. I still live in the moment, no matter how far time progresses. I need to get over it."

I watched her shaking knuckles turn pale.

"I'm starting to think, maybe death is better than all of this. Maybe death is better than going through panic attacks, angry outbursts, sleepless nights, and mood swings. Being dead is probably better than dealing with this constant pain. It doesn't seem like it's getting better. Perhaps... I've been stuck in square one all this time and haven't moved. I can't sit here, fool myself, and think that I'm getting better. Because I'm not and I can feel it!" her scream made me jump in fright.

Raven wasn't even sad.

She had dry eyes.

Her face was hard like stone.

Her glare was deadly.

Blood rushed to her cheeks and settled there.

Her bitter, upsetting, raw words made the hair on my neck stand up.

"I cried all night. I waited until you fell asleep and just cried. I don't even remember how many attacks I had, it was all a blur. All I could manage to do was put my mouth into the pillow so I didn't disturb you. I didn't want to bother you. At all," Raven's voice was tremulous.

"I keep having to face another day and night of internal suffering. I never get the rest I need because I can't even be tired."

"I'm afraid to live. It's the hardest job in the world. You don't know what's going to happen, you don't know what's happening, but you know what has happened. And what you know, you are forced to deal with it. Whether you like it or not. The world is dangerous. As a hero I'm supposed to help stop danger, but it appears as if danger is stopping me. I'm trying to appreciate every breath I take, but that's hard to do if I never know how close I am to losing the privilege completely. I know I told you one time 'I don't do fear'. I told you I was never afraid of anything. The truth is, I am scared. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my whole life. This is me: afraid.."

A tear slid down Raven's face.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I had nothing.

So, I did the next best thing.

I brought her into a warm embrace.

I began to cry, too.

I could barely manage the idea of Raven dying. The fact that she wanted die, hurt. It hurt more than anything.

I felt like there was nothing I could do to fix how she felt. I could give her a telescope, a necklace, and a hug, but the pain was still there. As much as we both didn't want it to be.

I held the quivering girl in my arms. It was as if she were getting slapped repeatedly by a biting wind. She snaked her arm around my back, pulling closer for warmth.

It pained me, having to listen to Raven's cries.

To feel her shiver uncontrollably against me.

To feel her heart race anxiously against mine.

To see her like this.

"Rae, I want you to listen to me carefully." I spoke soothingly.

She was silent.

"I don't want you to die."

"I knew you would say that." she spat harshly.

I sighed, remembering Raven wasn't in the best head space.

"I'm serious. I don't. The thought of losing you is unbearable. I don't even want to imagine it. I'm sorry you have to endure this. It doesn't suck, it isn't horrible, it isn't heart wrenching, it's complete Hell. But guess what?"

I brushed her silky hair.

"I'm going to walk through hell with you. Even if we have to walk for miles on fiery coals. Even if we have to fill our lungs with smoke, I'm doing it with you. I'm going to do everything I can to help you get out of this rut. I promise. I'm going to protect you in the ways I can. I'm going to take care of you. And of course, love you. It hurts seeing you like this. I want you to know, I feel it too. I may not feel exactly what you are feeling, but I feel you."

"You do?" Raven whimpered and I hugged her tighter.

"I do. I feel the hurt, the tears, all of it. It's kinda mutual I guess. You are so important to me and I need you to know that. Healing isn't linear. Somedays you will be on your highest peak, and others you will be stuck in that lonely valley. Nonetheless, what matters is you keep going. And you are. You may feel like you're getting nowhere, like you're stuck. But you are getting somewhere."

I took a breath.

"You hate waking up, but the fact that you do says more than enough. You don't need to get over what you're feeling. Take as long you need, don't let anything or anyone rush you. Feel what you need to feel. When the time is right, the pain will subside. It will still be there but it will be easier to handle. Be afraid. Cry. Scream if you gotta. And please, bother me. I don't care if I haven't slept for a week. Wake me up. I don't want you to be alone, you know that. That's the last thing I would want in this world."

"You never fail to say the right things." Raven sniffed.

"Awww, I try." I chuckled.

I lifted her chin to mine. "I love you, gorgeous. Even though you want to blast me to bits half of the time."

"I love you more, Goblin." Raven giggled frailly at my comment.

I scanned her amethyst eyes and wiped the tears beneath them. I gave her a brief, sweet kiss and brought her back under my arms.

"Whenever you're ready we can get ready to go back home." I uttered tenderly.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready. Right here... right now... is the safest I have felt in a long time."

Raven snuggled her head into my chest.