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chapter twenty-one.

Emilia had never seen a house elf before.

She had heard of them, of course; they were lingering phantoms in the corner of Hogwarts that picked up loose socks and clothes tossed under the students' beds and were the ones who made them their breakfast, lunch and dinner three times a day, seven days a week. She had never seen a picture of them, had never particularly interested in finding out more about them, if she was being honest.

But now, Emilia stood at the mouth of the hole in the wall that was pulled back to reveal dozens upon dozens of pairs of eyes that were drawn to the sight of her and Sirius; they were small things, barely to her hip with large heads and floppy ears and even larger eyes, the size of tennis balls that grew bigger at the sight of the two students, all pausing in unison to stare at the two Gryffindors in shock.

Emilia's eyes couldn't take in her surroundings fast enough, disbelief making the whites of her eyes widen as she tried to look at everything and anything but all she found were more house elves; they seemed endless and, then a turn in their expressions, happy at the sight of the two, all chittering and whooping and greeting the two as if they weren't breaking curfew by being here.

They surrounded her and Sirius, all greeting him by name before turning to her and calling her 'Mistress' and 'Miss', as if she were some noble man's daughter and it made her skin prickle, uncomfortable at the title they bestowed on as they were both ushered into the kitchen, the heat getting thicker and unbearable the further they were drawn in. Most of the elves were wearing dirty rags, towels and sacks that draped their small, thin forms with their feet bare, some wearing one sock and even fewer wearing two.

She turned to Sirius, who seemed unperturbed by the whole thing, even calling a few by name as he stuck close by her. "They know you." It wasn't a question.

He greeted an elf with particularly green eyes before he looked to her, eyes shining and bright, so different to how he had been some minutes before hand. "'Course they do. We've been coming here since Fourth Year."

Of course they had been, Emilia didn't even know why she was even surprised by the answer as the portrait behind them swung close, leaving them in the kitchen as the elves squeaked at the two to follow them, bringing her and Sirius where, she didn't know.

The smell of food was filling each breath she took, sticking to her nose and lungs, leaving her mouth watering for more and she hadn't realised how hungry she had become, how the thirst at the back of her throat left her mouth feeling fuzzy and parched.

"How did you manage to find it?"

He waved her off, not caring at how the tiny hands were hauling he and Emilia off somewhere; he must be used to it, the way the elves were reacting and looking up at him with such adoration. Emilia wondered if she was that obvious when she looked at him as the elves were doing. "I'll tell you once we actually manage to get some food."

Emilia frowned, confused. "Didn't you eat at the feast?"

The elves stopped dragging them, dropping their sharp grips and bustling about them, leaving Emilia and Sirius to stand looking at each other and he remained silent for a moment, as if his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, staring off to the distance, clearly being distracted by something before focusing his eyes in again. "Before we glued the other houses and teachers to their seats, I couldn't find you. Couldn't eat."

He had said it so casually through a strained jaw, as if the memory of it was too painful. He didn't want to push and prod at her for an answer, so he was doing all that he could by dancing around it and Emilia was grateful. Her eyes were still sore from having cried so much and she wondered if her face was puffy from it all, the weeping and crying and sobbing, clawing at her chest to stop the pounding of her heart and the memory of it made the racing pick up, a quickening behind the curve of her ribs as she pushed it away.

Sirius didn't seem to find the air between them awkward; she wondered if he minded being hugged by her, wanted to ask was it alright for her to have done so or if a boundary had been crossed but she didn't want to know the answer, was scared of it. But she was more scared by the fact she had liked it, had liked the way she had hugged him and how he held her, how she wanted him to do it again, wishing that he would do it now.

Emilia coughed, clearing the worries clogging her throat as she took to fiddling with her skirt as her hands lay lamely beside her. "That was your big prank?"

Sirius picked up on the change of topic quickly enough, that smile returning to his mouth but it didn't reach his eyes, the sparkle there dim. "I think it was brilliant, actually."

"Don't you think they'll be suspicious when the Gryffindor table was the only one who didn't have anyone stuck to their seats?" She asked, keeping this vein of conversation going as she watched the elves pull up chairs and rushing with cutlery in their small arms, worried that if she made any movement she would knock into one, trying to stay as still as she could without tripping an elf up and causing a mess.

Sirius snorted, watching the elves with little attention as they bustled around him. One elf nearly went headfirst into Sirius' legs until he took a step closer to Emilia to get out of the way and she could smell him, the memory of being wrapped up in his arms springing to her mind against her will once more and leaving her mouth dry from something else other than the feeling of being parched. "Who said there weren't any? I think the First Years started crying."

Emilia tried not to laugh, pressing her lips together but he could see it on her face, the way her eyes curved. "They're probably traumatised for life now."

Sirius gave an indignant sound at the accusation, hand to his heart. "Hey, a little trauma didn't hurt no one. I turned out fine!"

Behind her, an elf with two glasses nearly went flying into her and Sirius snatched her arm before she was quick enough to move out of the way, bringing Emilia closer to him to make way and she tried to blame the warmth rushing from her neck on the stifling heat in the kitchen. His strength nearly caused her to fall into his side, straightening herself but not stepping away when regaining her balance, his hand remaining where it was on her arm, pressing it close to him so that her elbow was up against the inch of skin beneath his ribcage, keeping it there as if he never intended to let go.

Emilia didn't mind all that much, didn't mind the lack of space and the fact she was practically pressed into his side. His touches were much kinder than Marina's and her friends.

"You glued eleven year olds to their seats."

"And everyone else. I don't discriminate," he insisted, watching intently as the number of elves around them dwindled as a table was pushing into place beside them, two chairs tucked beneath them like teeth as plates and cutlery were placed on top with soft clinks. "I think Flitwick looked as panicked as any First Year."

Emilia had no strength to stop the laugh that left her at the image of Flitwick being stuck to his chair, not even bothering to save face by pressing her hand to her mouth because he had already seen it, heard her, and this time the shine in his eyes returned, like the early stars at the edge of dusk.

Another elf hobbled into view, a thinner one than the others but just as excited with bright, muddy brown eyes and Emilia wasn't sure if it was a boy or a girl, or if such binary constructs even applied to elves. The elf wore a blue tea towel with a hole cut around the neck so its head could fit through, tied like a dress and one of its ears was inside out, staring up at the two students expectantly as a few more elves finished setting the table up.

"Winry set your table, Master Black!" the elf squeaked in a high voice, and Emilia realised the elf was a girl from the pitch of her voice, staring up at Sirius with such love in her brown eyes before turning to Emilia with that same look; how could the elf look at someone they had just met in such a fashion? It seemed that Emilia merely existing was enough for the elf to be happy as she took Emilia's free hand to drag her to the table, Sirius being pulled along as he had refused to let go of Emilia's arm. On the table, more plates with food were being pushed onto the small square of wood and Emilia was terrified that the legs of the table might break or one of the elves might get hurt from how they stacked the food. "All you favourites too, look! Winry made sure."

Sirius grinned at the elf, Winry, as he let Emilia sit first before going to his own chair opposite of her, the space so small that their legs were tangled in one another, her own on trapped between his as Emilia tried to take in the food on the table that seemed endless; how would she ever manage to eat all of this? "Thank you, Winry. You want anything?"

He aimed that last question at Emilia and she dragged her eyes to meet Sirius' grey ones, not sure how to respond as Winry perched at Emilia's side, waiting for an order or request and Emilia couldn't possibly ask for more than what they already had. She wondered if she and Sirius were eating Hogwarts out of all of its food. "I… don't know. I'm fine, I don't want to be trouble."

Her words went over Sirius' head as he turned to Winry, whose face was looking crestfallen at Emilia not asking for anything. "Winry, you have any lemon cake?"

Emilia's eyes widened and if her legs weren't so linked with Sirius', she might have given him a kick to the shin. "Sirius!"

But Winry didn't seem to mind, perking up at Sirius' request as her hands clapped together, delighted that even more had been asked of her. It unsettled Emilia to a degree, at how eager the elves were to serve them. "Oh yes, Master Black, we made some earlier! Inkin's recipe!"

She watched as Winry all but skipped away from the table and she turned to Sirius with an admonishing look. "You didn't need to tell them that."

Sirius gave a wave of his hand, brushing her chastising off as he picked up a fork and began picked at the glazed ham and piling more food onto his plate, all the while Emilia continued to hesitate despite her hunger. Sirius noticed this and wasted no time in pushing food onto Emilia's plate – peas, sweet potatoes, a sliver of turkey and some Shepard's pie.

When he pushed her plate towards her to the point it nearly fell to her lap, Emilia knew there was no use in denying the food especially considering how her stomach was cramping. "They don't mind; one time I told them I was full and they all burst into tears from it."

The food was amazing, as it always was, filling Emilia's empty belly and leaving her warm and she tried not to scarf the rest of it down in a way that would even put Sirius to shame, taking her time to savour the food; Sirius leg was bouncing under the table, brushing against her leg in a way that left her skin feeling raw, worn to the bone. Once the immediate problem of her hunger had been dealt with, Emilia sipped at some sweet lemonade before speaking. "Why do they call you Master Black?"

Sirius offered a shrug. "That's just the way House elves are. I've learnt not to question it."

Emilia's eyes roamed over the kitchen once more, taking in how the elves were back to working, a few looking over at the two and smiling at Emilia with crooked teeth. "I've never seen one before."

Sirius matched Emilia's inquisitorial gaze around the place, pausing in his eating that might have otherwise choked another person considering how much he was shoving into his mouth. He seemed so indifferent to the adoration and excitement the elves were displaying towards the two of them. "We've one at… at my parent's house. He's almost as old as the mould growing in the walls and just as spiteful as my mother."

She turned back to him to see a shadow pass over Sirius' face, one that made him look older than he was, as if the memory wasn't pleasant, dark and angry enough to grace his features for the briefest of moments before he covered it up. Emilia was no fool by now to think that his cryptid remarks about home were just the ramblings of another angsty teenager; she could see it, pieces of herself, lingering in the shards of those cold expressions whenever he would let them seep through before melting. "Really?"

He nodded, the curls of his hair following the movement as he ripped into a piece of chicken, as if to rid the bad taste of such memories. "I'm still convinced he stole my blanket from when I was younger and turned it into a rag."

A sudden snicker left Emilia that sounded all too much like a snort and she dropped her fork to cover her mouth, wide eyed as he flickered his gaze back up to her. "Sorry, not funny."

Then, a turn in the corner of his lips and the weight on his shoulders dissipated slightly, and the humour that always seemed a permanent feature reappeared. "It's a little funny."

A plate was shoved in front of Emilia before more could be said, making her jump as Winry placed a slice of the most delicious looking cake Emilia had ever seen in front of her, mouth nearly gaping open at the sight of it. Winry rocked on her heels expectantly, clutching her hands in front of her as she waited for Emilia to take a bit, eyes trained on the young witch.

But Emilia didn't know where to start, if she even should run such a masterpiece, and Sirius leaned over the mountains of food between to whisper not very quietly. "I can testify to say that Inkin's lemon cake is the best in all of Britain."

Beside Emilia, Winry let out a cry and large, wet tears formed in her eyes as she clapped her hands together, voice croaking at his words and startling Emilia as the elf grabbed her makeshift dress and blew her nose into it. "Oh, Inkin will be so very much pleased to hear that, Master Black!"

With that, the elf dashed off, as if to tell Inkin the good news and she watched Winry be swallowed up by the crowd of elves before turning back to the lemon cake, mouth watering at the mere sight of it, fork hesitating to pierce through the sponge. "It looks amazing, I'm almost scared to ruin it."

"Don't be because if Inkin finds out that you didn't eat it, he might stick his head in an oven and explode his brains," Sirius told her and Emilia half expected him to laugh at his own words but none followed.

"You're… you're not kidding?"

Sirius gave a lift of his shoulders. "House elves are really proud of their cooking."

"Well, I guess I have no choice then," Emilia said, as if she was being resigned to some terrible fate before she cut through it, taking a bit and bringing it to her mouth for a bite and the taste was instantaneous, flooding her senses with the tang of lemon and the sweetness of sugar, a delighted sound leaving her as she stared at Sirius with eyes wide enough to put the elves to shame. "It's so good!"

Sirius seemed very smug at Emilia's reaction, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back into his chair, legs stretched out far enough that his feet were resting against the legs of her chair. "Told you. Aren't you glad you decided to trust me now?"

Emilia's mouth was too full to agree with him, taking another bite and savouring the taste, not caring how messy or ridiculous she might look, but Sirius didn't say anything, didn't make fun of her. "Oh my God, I could eat this forever."

"Not afraid of cavities?" he asked, teasing her but Emilia didn't care.

"It could rot my teeth out and I'd still eat it. I don't need teeth for cake." With that, she shoved in another mouthful and realised she looked all too much like Sirius did whenever he ate, as if she didn't care that she could choke on the food. Honestly, if this is how she died, Emilia didn't care all too much.

"Well, you have me there," Sirius chuckled, a sparkle in his eyes as he watched her shovel more food into her mouth. It didn't make Emilia feel self conscious, the way she was eating, and he wasn't poking fun at her either. "If Inkin overhears you, you'll start finding pieces of it everywhere including your bed."

"Speaking from experience?"

"Had to tell him I didn't like rhubarb anymore and had to talk him down from throwing himself out the window." Emilia tried imagining Sirius trying to talk down a wailing elf from the Astronomy tower, the thought nearly making her choke.

"So how did you succeed?"

"Said I lied and that I would be more than happy to be his little gerbil for him to fatten with his food experiments," he sighed, as if it were his biggest burden in life to bear. "Now I just give it all to Remus or Peter. They're almost afraid to show their faces here in case they leave in a casket from eating so much."

Emilia gave an airy giggle at the image, putting her fork down and giving a look around the kitchens once more; she wondered if the elves would tell on them for being out so late, but if Sirius and his friends had been visiting here frequently, she doubted that would be the case. She hardly needed her perfect (well, somewhat perfect) record to be more marred. She made sure to wipe her mouth in case of any stray crumbs as she swallowed, picking at the corner of a napkin as she deliberated on poking Sirius further; he looked exhausted and Emilia didn't even know what time it was.

Part of her wanted to go to bed, and the other part wanted this moment to stretch on forever.

"So, how did you find the kitchens? I've never heard of anyone else managing to find it."

Sirius straightened his spine, shuffling in his chair as his legs bumped against hers, looking pleased to regale the tale to Emilia at her asking. "Stroke of stupid and pure luck. It happened by pure accident, really. Peter managed to trip himself against this painting and, well, the door opened and there we all were - suddenly being pounced upon by a hundred house elves who were insisting on feeding us."

She could picture Sirius' shocked face at being plied food by dozens upon dozens of house elves and shook her head. "Usually kids tend to stay away from people who offer them treats."

Sirius scrunched his handsome features up as if the thought had never occurred to him, but then clicked his tongue, offering up a lift of his shoulders. "For this glazed ham, they could do anything and I'd not complain."

"No one else knows?" she asked, half afraid that anyone else might stumble in on the two of them enjoying a late night dinner and decide to run off and tell on them. She wondered if any of the teachers would walk in for a late night cap and catch she and Sirius talking over a full, three course meal and tattle on them to Dumbledore, or slip them more detentions.

But Sirius shook his head. "No one except us four," he said and then paused, looking at Emilia for a brief moment, at her, through her and then the corner of his lips pulled up. Beneath the table, he had knotted his ankles behind her legs, raising them up and keeping her trapped so she would not be able to leave even if she wanted to. "And you."

An implication of his words lingered in her ears and her back stiffened, a sudden dry feeling in her throat as her heart skipped. "You don't have to worry about me telling anyone."

Sirius gave a laugh, a deep sounding one at Emilia's bursting promise, as if what she had said, as if she, was amusing. "Oh, I know. In fact, the person I thought would grass on us would be Peter but I think being bribed with an unlimited amount of chocolate cake is the main reason he kept silent."

Emilia relaxed back into her chair, the napkin she was picking at now torn, balls of paper she had rolled between the pads of her fingers accumulating as her eyes dropped down to the slice of cake that was nothing more than a pile of messy crumbs on her plate.

Emilia wondered if she should ask, if she had the right to ask, the burning question that was searing itself onto the front of her mind, a brand mark into her skull she couldn't ignore and left her lungs choking on smoke the longer she ignored. She didn't want to look into his eyes as she spoke, just making sure she didn't back down.

"And… and how did you find me?"

Sirius did not answer her straightaway, making Emilia inwardly wince at thinking she had pushed too far since he was probably annoyed with her as it was but then the sight of movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention and he shuffled about, patting his sides and pockets and she watched as he produced a rag, something brown and worn; Sirius held it in his hand, deliberating on something and looking as if he was hesitant but when his eyes met hers again he made a firm decision and reached over the table to hold it out for Emilia, waiting for her to grasp it.

Confused, Emilia took it slowly, all the while maintaining eye contact as he gave a nod of reassurance to her, allowing for her to break away and study what he had handed her, trying to discern what it was but not being sure.

It folded open, blank and old as she stared at it, wondering if he was pulling her leg as Emilia flipped it over but, just the same on the other side, there was nothing for her to see. The paper was old, worn from years and being handled over and over again, but there was nothing particularly special about it; she looked up at Sirius, brows knotted together as she wondered if maybe she was too stupid to see something that was clearly there. "Parchment?"

He gave a fervent shake of his head, leaning forward on the table with his elbows resting on the wood and arms crossed, voice dropping slightly as if he was afraid someone might pop out of the shadows and hear him.

"At first glance, it is. But if you take your wand out and say, 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good' – " Sirius produced his wand, giving the place a quick sweep before his arm stretched out and she held it up slightly to make it easier for him as the tip of his wand tapped the parchment, and something began to bleed onto the paper, a smile on his face doing the same; when she looked up at his eyes, they were bright, excited and sparkling. "Then it becomes so much more."

A crease forming between her eyebrows, Emilia looked down, watching as ink that didn't, shouldn't, exist began to spill across the plains of the parchment, swirling and ghosting around the edges, forming lines and corners, dots and words around it, filling the blank space up and as a shape began to form, Emilia's eyes widened to the point she was afraid they would pop out, soaking up what was before her; she flipped the map over and Sirius laughed at her reaction as she took in the previously blank piece of paper, turning it over and over again as she turned to him in shock, mouth agape. "It's… it's a map!"

It was inexplicitly a map of Hogwarts, all of Hogwarts, full of the places she knew and the haunts she didn't, the classrooms and the dorms – even the other Houses dorms! How, how did he manage to get his hands on this?

The grin on Sirius' face was wide, straight, white teeth flashing and he seemed pleased at her gobsmacked response. "And so it is exactly, Lemon."

If this was the entire castle…

She looked at the map and could see small, moving dots milling about the place, dots with labels of McGonagall, and Dumbledore, and Filch that were pacing back and forth; Filch was probably doing the rounds and McGonagall was in her office, her dot barely moving while Dumbledore's was pacing back and forth.

The map couldn't be real, it had to be fake, but it was too detailed, too perfect to be a sham and she could even spot five more dots on the map that weren't teachers or staff; in the Gryffindor tower, she could see the Peter, Remus and James all lounging about, and then two more marked in a blank space titled kitchens. Her dots were facing Sirius', tucked right between his and the name Emilia Green hovered right beside Sirius Black, and she dragged her eyes back to Sirius' in disbelief, rendered completely speechless.

Her voice escaped her as she looked back to the map, half expecting it all to disappear by the time she did but it remained all where it was. She shuffled in her chair, watching how the dots on the paper gave a jiggle to mimic her action. "This is all of Hogwarts?"

"All of Hogwarts and every single secret it has to hide. Secret doorways and passages that might otherwise not be known to anyone else," Sirius explained, quick to jump onto explaining it, as if excited to talk about it with someone that wasn't his friends. He seemed to like that about Emilia, that he could tell these things to a new person, to tell things about himself that barely anyone else knew about. "It took us a few years before we manage to perfect it, but we got it finished in Fifth Year."

They had made this? Fifteen and making something this complicated, intricate? Emilia still struggled with simple Transfiguration at that age and she couldn't comprehend that at that very same at, Sirius and his friends were mapping out everyone and everything in the castle for a map. She had always known that Sirius was smart, but she had no idea he was this gifted. "Sirius, this… this is incredible. You guys made this by yourselves?"

"Hence why it took so long," he told her, looking all too self pleased and grinning, but Emilia didn't care if she was making his ego inflate; she was mesmerised by the whole thing, by him, of course he had every right to be proud. "That's how we found the kitchens – we were plotting out the map and thanks to Peter, we found the kitchens."

She looked to the map again, watching how Dumbledore's pacing relented and how Filch was now accompanied now by another set of dots, a pair of animal prints of his old cat as they walked down an endless stretch of halls. "These dots, are they actually the teachers? In real time?"

Sirius nodded, not bothered by Emilia's endless stream of questions whatsoever. "And Filch, and anyone we need to find. We just ask the map to find someone and they'll show up. It'd be a mess if it had everyone on it all the time."

And anyone we need to find rang in Emilia's head as she lapsed into a brief silence, watching the other teachers on the map, some in bed and others walking around the place. A few Prefects were doing rounds, he probably had those on the map so it would be easy to dodge them when sneaking about the place.

But her eyes kept falling to her own dots, tangled with Sirius' just as she was at the table, and she peeked at him through her lashes, but he was already staring at her, waiting for her to say something, anything. Emilia wondered what was going through his mind, as always; was he worried she would rat him out to a teacher? Or was he thinking she was creeped out by the fact he would always know where she was now?

The idea didn't bother Emilia as much as she thought, it felt… comforting even, to know that he would know where she was, that if Marina decided to lock her in a dark place again, that Sirius would know and all she had to do was wait for him. She would never had to be as lost as she always felt she was thanks to Sirius.

Slowly, she closed the map up the way he had handed it to her until it was only a small, slip of a thing, fingers rushing over the writing splashed over the folds: The Marauder's Map, it was titled. It made a ghost of a smile grace her lips, reading the writing above that read Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs; their nicknames, a sure way to protect their identity if someone managed to pick it up and get it to open.

Her voice felt fragile in her throat, imagining Sirius as he used the map to find her, wondering if he was worried, or angry, or fearful that something had happened to her as he searched for her. "So that's how you found me? You asked the map?"

Sirius gave a hum as the humour in his face began to drip away, a sink that was overflowing and leaving him with a darker look on his features that was filling up his face. "Good thing I did, otherwise I would have had to go on a manhunt to every corner of the castle screaming your name."

Her heart stuttered, tumbling and nearly falling up into her throat at his words. "How did you know I didn't just skip the feast and stay in the tower?"

Sirius' grey eyes flashed to her, head cocked to the side ever so slightly. "Because you had said you were coming," he said and Emilia had forgotten that she had even said that to him that morning, but he hadn't. He didn't seem to forget anything that Emilia said. "Plus, it was one of the first places I looked."

"It was?"

"I didn't want to raise alarm or anything but I needed to make sure you were alright. Mary said you weren't in the girls' dorm room," he explained nonchalantly and Emilia realised that no one else must have realised her absence. No one but Sirius. "Only remembered the map after the feast because of everything. Didn't take long for me to find you."

"Oh." It was all she could say as a lump formed in her throat after he spoke, at his confession of his worry over her. Guilt ate at her for not telling him the truth, while something else tied a wire around her heart, nestled in the curve of her rips as she handed the map back to him, that dry feeling back in her mouth as she realised the direction this conversation was going to take.

He had every right to question her as she had questioned him but something bitter stained her tongue and Emilia wondered what kind of expression Sirius would pull if she told him, if she spilled everything to him, gushing forward and never ending and if he would be mad at her for not telling him in the beginning, if her would be hurt for her not trusting him.

There was a tension between them as Sirius tucked the map in his pocket again, lips pursed and she could feel his leg bounce, shaking her legs alongside it from where they were trapped due to his ankles knotted behind hers, and the napkin she had been tearing up was being reduced to mere atoms.

Emilia knew she could, should, tell Sirius; he had proven he was trustworthy but it all felt too heavy for her tongue to speak, a ball of lead that weighed her down. She had always tried to tell herself she was strong enough, that she would be able to handle it by herself since for so long she was all that she had, that she was strong enough to not break under Marina's tormenting.

But now that she could tell him, knowing he would listen, knowing she didn't have to pretend she could handle this alone, something seemed to hold her back, as if Marina's hand was holding her tongue from talking; Emilia hated it, realising that all those years of bullying, of cruel pranks and name calling had affected her more than she had thought. It was fear, Emilia realised, fear that maybe Sirius would brush it off and say it wasn't as serious as she thought or that she was overreacting but then guilt pricked at her for thinking such a thing about him, even if she knew it Marina's voice whispering those words of doubt.

Sirius chewed on his words, and Emilia could feel him studying her, making her squirm but was effectively trapped with his ankles tied together at the back of hers, and his stare always made her heart constrict, but this time it ate away at her for a different; his mood had changed, as if he had just remembered the reason they were here in the first place, his index finger tapping sternly on the wooden top of the table, taking his time on speaking and Emilia forgot how piercing his stare could be when it wasn't alight with humour.

If he had ever made Prefect or Head Boy, he would have been able to stare anyone down and wring the truth from them.

The tapping of Sirius' finger stopped. "How long were you in there for?"

His voice was strained, cold and Emilia felt the muscles in her body tighten, tense as she stared what was left of her napkin, as scattered and torn up as her thoughts. Neither were looking at each other, and Emilia tried to brush it off, to downplay the whole thing. She couldn't, didn't want to, speak any more of this tonight.

Emilia gave a shrug, rolling a ball of napkin paper between her finger and the table top. "I don't know. It was right after I left the Great Hall. So, a few hours?"

Sirius didn't speak and she thought he had left before her eyes met his, how his eyes turned to steel and stone, cold and hard and there was a muscle in his jaw jumping. Was he angry at her being so nonchalant? A wave of air left him, as sharp and cutting as his eyes and she looked away. "I thought… that something seriously bad had happened to you."

Emilia risked taking a glance but Sirius was looking down, face shadowed. Her voice softened as she spoke. "No, nothing like that."

A strained breath left him and Sirius shook his head, the loose, ink curls around him moving as he did so, looking purple in the light of the kitchen. When he met her gaze, his eyes were tight and concern was clear on his face. It made that guilt cradled in her chest worsen, too heavy for her heart to handle. "No. It was worse than I imagined."

He sounded hurt, either by the fact Emilia was omitting the truth or by the memory of finding her, of seeing her so pathetic and crying, wet eyes and cheeks and Emilia realised that Sirius would always remember that moment, that part of her, that weak relapse and it made her cheeks warm in embarrassment. How could she tell him without the memory of it all, of being trapped and being forced to relive one of the worst moments in her life kept creeping to the surface? Her mouth parted, as if meaning to speak, but Emilia couldn't even force her voice past the tightness in her throat and she dropped her head in shame. He just wanted to help and she was just making things difficult, stupid, stupid, stupid -

Sirius' crossed ankles unwound themselves and he leaned forward on the table and Emilia watched as he reached across the table, not caring if he knocked any plates as his hand found hers, the one she was using to tear off pieces of the napkin and then his palm was on her skin, a burning touching that fled up into her arm, like fire in her blood that wilted away into nothing, ash. How he was able to reduce her to such a state with a single state, Emilia had no idea, and he probably didn't know either.

She didn't jolt at the touch, didn't try to pull away as she might have done one before and his strained expression softened, looking so delicate it was pulling at the strings in Emilia's heart, plucking at them as easily as a lute and his grip tightened, fingers curling into her palm and his hand was large, blanketing hers entirely and she wondered what it would be like to lace her fingers through his, to compare and laugh. He spoke gently, no hint of the previous tension in his words. "I know you don't want to tell me – "

Emilia shook her head, her own hand unconsciously tightening around his fingers and keeping them there. She wondered if her hands were too cold, leeching on the heat his own provided, but Sirius didn't seem to mind. "It's not that."

Something that looked like desperation flickered over Sirius' face but Emilia thought it must have been a trick of her imagination; Sirius Black was not a desperate man. "It isn't?"

Emilia dropped her head, staring at where their hands were entwined, at how his covered hers completely. Her tongue felt too heavy in her mouth, weighing her down. She didn't have the energy to recount everything, not tonight, and the thoughts of that dank, dark closet set her heart into a panic, a fear that it would leave her entirely were it not for the feeling of Sirius' hand keeping her grounded, tied down. "I'm just… tired. Another time. I promise."

Sirius' lips straightened into a thin line, debating on whether to continue on with this same vein of conversation before a sigh bled out through his mouth, his hand giving hers a squeeze before he released her, pulling away and settling back into his chair once more. She could still feel his touch, her skin tingling and she fought the need to stretch her fingers, trying to stop herself from reaching across and grabbing his hand again.

Her hand was left exposed, open to the cold air that nipped at her bare skin where his hand had been and Emilia felt all too empty handed.

"That's okay. I'll be here for when you do want to tell me."

He sounded reassuring and relief flooded her every molecule as she dropped her hand to her lap, glad that, at least for tonight, she wouldn't have to think or talk about what happened. He made everything feel safer, that all that happened was enough to bear and Emilia fiddled with the hem of her sleeves, remembering how scared she had been in that small space that seemed endless.

He didn't know that the worst part about it all wasn't the fact that someone had done that to Emilia, but rather that her own mind was her worst enemy, she had made it worse and unbearable. But Sirius wouldn't laugh at her, not like so many other kids in her school used to because she had been such a cry-baby back then and would cry over scraped knees and skinned palms. 'Cry-baby' stuck with her for so long, Emilia forgot how normal it was to cry, that it wasn't a weakness. Since when were human emotions a sign of weakness?

She had never seen Sirius cry, but he had never admonished her for doing so, had never laughed in her face or called her cry-baby or to suck it up like everyone used to tell her. It made Emilia feel as if she wasn't weak or pathetic or frail; she hesitated to speak, half worried she would tear the sleeves of her top to shreds. "And…"

Sirius perked up, waiting for her to finish. "And?"

Emilia pressed her lips together, wishing she could take her words back but he was paying every ounce of attention that he had and she wondered how he might react, cheeks bleeding scarlet. "It's stupid. I feel embarrassed."

He seemed confused, elbows on the table and trying to pull the words from her with those beautiful eyes of his. "Why would you feel embarrassed?"

Emilia weighed the words in her mouth, staring down at her own hands as she was unable to look him in the eyes and hoping to hide how red her face was getting, heart fluttering and its wings making her nerves act up, stirring them as she spoke in a flighty voice that hardly sounded like her at all. "It's just… I don't like the dark."

She wondered if she managed to render Sirius speechless with her confession, feeling all too warm as she refused to look at him in case he might start laughing at her. She had never admitted it to anyone, not that she had anyone to tell, but it left her feeling exposed, vulnerable that she had told him such a personal, secretive part of her.

But Sirius didn't mock her, didn't laugh and call her a cry-baby.

Instead, he seemed… confused. "That's what you feel embarrassed about?"

Emilia regretted telling him, wishing nothing more than to reel the words back into her mouth but it was out there now, out for him to know and to always know about her long after they finished school, long after if he decided he didn't want to be around her anymore. A nervous laugh left Emilia as she tried to pretend it was nothing, that she wasn't feeling absolutely mortified for telling Sirius something he probably didn't even want to know. "It's silly, I know. I'm seventeen and I need nightlights because I'm scared of the dark."

He didn't say anything again, struck without a voice and Emilia wished he would say something, anything, she didn't even care if he laughed alongside her, if he poked fun at her for being scared of something so stupid and silly. But he was deep in thought, looking far off in the distance and she wondered once more what was going through his mind; Emilia wished she could look into his thoughts, because his face betrayed nothing and the seconds ticked by before he locked eyes with her, no hint of teasing or mocking in them.

"James hates spiders. Can't stand them. Remus has a fear of bugs crawling into his ears while he's sleeping and Peter is scared of cats."

Emilia felt startled at his words, at the fact he had rattled off these tidbits of information so casually and her head tilted to the side. Was… was he trying to make her feel better? "James doesn't like spiders?"

He nodded, and a smile graced his mouth as if he was recalling something fondly. "Hates them ever since we stuck one under his sheets in Third Year. Woke up screaming the house down."

Emilia's hand went to her mouth without warning, trying to hide the grin that was creeping up on her. He was trying to make feel better, either by cheering her up by regaling tales of him and his friends, or… or by showing her they all have small, useless fears. She wondered what his was, if he had any to begin with. "What gave you the idea to do that?"

"Thought it was funny at the time," he said, as if it was a perfectly reasonable explanation as any.

"Was it?"

"Oh absolutely," Sirius nodded. "He went red faced and clung to his bed post begging for Remus to kill it."

"Was he mad?" Emilia questioned, the mental image of James Potter red faced and screaming at a spider being conjured up in her mind, at him in his pyjamas yelling at his friends to kill the insect; he would not have survived being a target of Marina, probably would have passed away at the sight of a rat in his bedsheets.

"Hardly," Sirius chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, watching the way the perfect, loose curls fell, a mop that bled ink, tendrils and framed his face like a crown, and he looked so beautiful in this light. She wondered if he knew it; of course he realised he was handsome, but she wished he knew he was beautiful, too. "He got back at us by stealing all of our pants and managed to hang them in the Great Hall so we had to go down and get them ourselves."

This time Emilia didn't bother stifling the laugh that was bubbling in the bottom of her chest, and she missed the way Sirius' eyes brightened, as if all he had wanted, all he ever wanted, was to make her laugh. "A sight I'm glad not to have witnessed."

"I got more knickers thrown at me than after we won the House Cup in Fifth Year," Sirius grinned wickedly, a faraway look in his eyes and Emilia ignored the ugly, tight feeling that clamped around her heart and that humour she had felt slightly slipped away on her. If she had realised he was beautiful, other people would too, even if she didn't want to throw her underwear at him.

Suddenly, the memory of what Marina had said to her, about her and Sirius, of them being more, came to mind and it made Emilia's spine snap into place, frozen as she tried not to let those intrusive thoughts come to her attention, being dragged forth by Marina's sharp, cruel and mocking tone and Emilia slammed them six feet into the ground where they should be, not wanting to be dragged down them. She didn't want to think the thoughts Marina had planted in her mind, letting them grow and fester as Emilia fought against them, trying to uproot the weeds but it was of no use.

She was being ridiculous, thinking these things even if it wasn't her fault for having them in the first place; her? And Sirius? The idea seemed ludicrous, Sirius would never have an interest in her and she had never been with anyone so it made Marina's accusation even more laughable; she and Sirius, they... just because they held hands sometimes and she had liked hugging him didn't mean anything. Emilia had read romance books, she knew what liking someone was about and what being with someone meant, she wasn't some naïve a fool.

And besides that, Emilia was sure if she started suddenly pining for Sirius like she had read happen in so many books, she would know. Of course she would, she knew her own emotions. But that would never happen because he was her friend, wasn't he? Friends don't have feelings for each other.

Her heart raced as she tried to regain her composure, refusing to let such ridiculous and false thoughts to take control of her completely, hoping Sirius wouldn't notice, that he could see clearly what she was thinking about, or being forced to think about.

Emilia could never tell him, he would laugh and see how ridiculous Marina was being and Emilia ignored the way her breath was being squeezed from her lungs, kneaded out and leaving her sore and hurt. A tide of air was sucked in and she tried putting herself back together, gathering her scattered mind and giving a false bout of laughter. "That isn't exactly sanitary."

He seemed to agree, Emilia's slip in self-control seemingly going unnoticed as he turned to look at the elves who were still working away but had long since forgotten the two students who had stopped eating their food. " And I… I don't like it when it's silent."

She was clearly surprised by his words, blinking as she stared at him and he took a glance at her and Emilia could see a dusting of red rose on his cheeks. He had told her, bared this, in exchange for her own reveal, as if to make them even. "You don't?"

"No," Sirius grunted, shifting on his seat and his knees were knocking against her. He seemed restless, as if he had never told anyone, just like she had never told anyone about her own pathetic fear. It was a small piece of him, given to her and Emilia held if close to her heart, treasuring it. "I hate it. Sometimes I used to just scream to just be rid of it. The others used to come running and I would laugh at their faces. They would think I was being bloody murdered."

"You all must be really close." It was a statement that was clear to anyone; Sirius had that kind of friendship group, so close knit that Emilia had only read about in books and had spent her childhood chasing after and her teenage years being jealous of.

"They're my family," he explained and his disposition brightened at the talk of his friends. Emilia wondered if he ever acted this way when talking about her but pushed the thought from her mind; she couldn't imagine anyone being like this when talking about her. "I even lived with James' for a few years, then I got my own place last summer."

"You live by yourself?" Emilia questioned, and could feel the seeds of envy being planted, remembering that in two months time, she would be sent back to her aunt and uncle's house for the Christmas, would be by herself for the entire holiday as they decided they preferred spending it abroad in some place that was warm and sunny and had a bar they could frequent where no one would know them and gossip about how drunk they were.

"Yep," Sirius affirmed. "Best decision I ever made."

Emilia imagined what it would be like to be in her own place, to have a home that wasn't so empty and cold and quiet, to be able to put posters up on her walls, to not have to put her books in boxes under her bed because her room had no shelves, to not live where it was so bare of life and comfort. Once she turned eighteen, the small inheritance left behind by her grandmother would come into Emilia's possession and she could leave that cold, empty house, live her own life in however she wanted to, how she always imagined it.

And she imagined how Sirius lived, if it was a mess or was he a neat freak, perhaps the walls were covered in music and Quidditch posters to hide the Godawful, half-assed paintjob by the landlord, or if he knew how to cook or work Muggle appliances. Perhaps he was a rare breed amongst boys his age and knew how to cook for himself, or there were pans in the sink from being burnt one too many times; his wardrobe was probably full up of neutral, dark colours, of blacks and greys, jeans and jumpers, maybe his sheets were a mess or he made them every single morning after waking up.

The thought of him being so domestic, thinking of such personal parts of him, made Marina's voice ring in her ears, calling her out for those deep, hidden feelings for imagining such a thing.

"That sounds like it would be nice," she commented, ignoring the shake in her voice at the strain of having to ignore her own thoughts. "Living by yourself."

"Better to the alternative," he said, a bitter tone seeping into his voice and Emilia saw a dark look fracture his features, jaw tight as he crossed his arms over his chest, fisting the material of his jumper in his hands. "My mother threatened that if I ever darkened her doorstep ever again she would leave me as a pile of ashes on it."

From what he had said of his mother before, Emilia was not exactly surprised by this reveal. "She said that?"

He nodded and his face was cold, arms tightening across his chest as if he was trying to keep himself together. "Didn't stop her from hounding me with letter after letter about coming home."

Emilia was at a loss for words on what to say, not wanting to cross a line when he was clearly – not upset, or hurt, but resentful, angry. Emilia knew what that was like, but she always told herself it could be worse, ignoring that tiny voice that tried to tell her it could also be better. She couldn't imagine Sirius growing up under the thumb of such a mother, didn't want to. Even her aunt wouldn't be so cruel and callous even if she was a bitter woman.

"I'm sorry," was all Emilia could offer up. "It must be hard to deal with."

"Not really. Don't get along with them anyways."

"Still, I know blood can mean little in the way of family but… but it can still hurt."

"I guess," Sirius shrugged, disgruntled by the fact he even had to talk about his family, and she wondered if she should drop the topic entirely before he looked her a look, a narrowed one as if he was expecting something but what that was, Emilia didn't know. "You know, usually I get the talk about blood being thicker than water and all that shite and that they're my parents and I should make up with them."

He had said that before, in the infirmary, and Emilia hadn't done it then, and she wouldn't do it now, because she knew that talk, hated that talk. And Sirius did too, must have gotten it more times than her and seemed distrustful because of it, as if he expected her to invalidate how he felt, what he experienced, and Emilia ignored the hurt that he had thought she meant to do so.

But Emilia knew she would have done the same, an endless cycle would make her expect the same thing time and time again and she couldn't blame Sirius for trying to prepare for the worst, to have her tell him that he was acting like a child and just needed to put on a stiff upper lip for the sake of family, but she couldn't.

"You're their child, Sirius," she went on further, gentle and hoping he wouldn't take offence. "It's not your duty to be the parent in the situation. You don't have to put your feelings aside for them."

Just as he had in the infirmary, he stared at Emilia in surprise for not meeting what he had expected and Emilia could see him relax, the arms over his chest dropping and looked as if he had never been told that by someone other than his friends before, a somewhat outsider proving him right without the possibility of being biased. "You're right. You usually are."

"I'm glad someone finally recognises that," Emilia sniffed, and his grin widened.

"I guess I know a lot about you, now," Sirius stated and there was something about his tone that made Emilia shift in her chair and he was in thinking mode again, as if he was dredging something from the back of his mind, mouth opening and closing as if he was trying to find the right way to say something and dread began unfurl in Emilia's belly, wondering what it was that was bothering him. "There's been something I've been meaning to ask you; when you were carrying me to the infirmary, you said you were unlikable."

Mortification filled her every breath, drowning her lungs as her mouth parted but no air, no sound came through and he was staring at her in a strange way, perhaps even in pity and it made Emilia's shame burn hot and warm inside of her veins, choking every part of her as her ears became hot, wanting nothing more than the earth to open and swallow hole.

She hadn't expected that to come out of Sirius' mouth of all things, and seemed too stunned to reply, wondering how the Hell she was supposed even respond to that because hearing the words from his mouth made her cringe, embarrassed and wanting nothing more than to hide in the corner of the kitchen and scream into her hands. He must see the way her entire face burned, rouge and glowing but he didn't not scramble to take his words back; he must be serious in waiting for a response or an explanation but Emilia had no idea what he wanted to hear.

She distracted herself by taking a sip of her lemonade, the ice long melted from the warmth of the kitchen and the condensation leaving her hands slick, the uneasy clamminess of her palms nearly causing the glass to slip from her grip as she tried to take a gulp to push down the bundle of nerves that were choking her. "You heard that?"

Her voice was clearly unsteady and Sirius nodded, studying her and she wondered what he saw, if he was pitying her, feeling sorry for such a pathetic piece of information she had told him when she thought he wasn't listening. It had been the only reason she had said in the first place but it seemed Emilia had underestimated Sirius and now she didn't want to face it or him. "Of course I did. I asked you to talk, didn't I?"

He had but that didn't mean she thought he was actually paying attention. If she had, she would have spoken about anything else and her face felt unbearably hot. "I didn't think you were actually listening to anything I was saying."

"I always do," he said as casually as he would say anything else but it felt like a punch to Emilia's stomach. "Were you hoping I wasn't?"

Of course she did, why would she ever admit something so pathetic if she knew he had been listening? It left her feeling sheepish, shy and wanting to move past this entire thing because she would rather wilt away into nothing that to keep talking about it. "Kind of. I never would have said something so sad if I knew."

She tried to laugh it off but Sirius didn't take the bait, didn't let her pretend that this, what she had said, was nothing. "Do you really think that?"

Emilia squirmed under his gaze, at being forced to talk about this. "I mean, I guess?"

And he shook his head, a sigh leaving him, as if exhausted trying to get her to see sense and Emilia felt sorry that Sirius had to put up with this, put up with her. "You're not, you know."

"Well, I mean the truth shows itself," Emilia rambled, taking back to messing with the balled up bits of the napkin that she had already torn up, leaving her with nothing to distract herself with. "I got picked on in primary school a lot. When I came to Hogwarts, I was scared of it happening again, so I just… made myself invisible. It's easier to be invisible here."

God, why did she say that? Emilia inwardly groaned at saying something so pathetic, wishing Sirius would make fun of her to lighten the mood but instead he was staring at her sadly, as if personally hurt by her admission. "You're not invisible."

Emilia ignored the way her eyes were becoming watery, glassy and shining as she stared, left breathless by Sirius as her chest caved in on itself. He had said it so casually but there was no room for argument, he would not listen to her protests and his words came as if they were mere, unarguable truth. Her heart dropped to her stomach and it felt impossible to squeeze her voice past through her throat; Sirius always seemed to make her feel like this, so dumbfounded and she had never done the same, he always seemed so composed and put together while she fell apart by his mere existence.

The weight of his words were being ingrained into her mind, every molecule of her body, into her bones and her marrow, until she couldn't hear anything other than you're not invisible. A ghost of a smile haunted her mouth. "Weren't you the one that called me Emily?"

Sirius eyes rolled and he gave a scoff. "Oh, all of one time! Not my fault, I forget my own name sometimes."

Her lips turned up further as she dipped her head, lifting one shoulder. "The look on your face was funny."

"Glad I could be your ever entertaining jester, Lemon," he groaned, the nickname not going unnoticed, yet Emilia didn't hate it nearly as much as she thought. It left something warm blooming in her chest and he had said it so naturally too, as if he didn't care that Emilia cringed at it or rolled her eyes at it. If anyone else had said it, she might hate it, but when Sirius said it… "Nearly died of mortification there and then."

"And have you haunt Hogwarts forever?" she asked, as if aghast at the idea. "McGonagall would go cracked."

"Can you imagine? They'd call me the Handsome Haunter or some shit like that," he mused and Emilia pulled a face.

"Best friends with the Fat Friar and the Grey Lady," she smiled, nervous and wringing her hands together, hoping that they would blow past this whole conversation because she didn't know how long she would have before she dissolved into tears.

"It'd do them some good, they've not even an ounce of humour between them," Sirius said but the banter they had didn't last and he lapsed once more into that look again, the one that looked sorry and pained, his hand tightening and stretching as if he wanted to do something, hesitating and then curled it into a fist. "I didn't know, about what happened to you with your muggle school."

And they were back to it, she should know Sirius wouldn't have dropped it and Emilia tried to keep her face neutral but he saw how her shoulders tightened, knowing that it bothered her more than it let on.

"You couldn't have," she whispered, a crack snapping her words in half and she winced.

"I'm sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve that."

It's not your fault she wanted to say but his words made that boulder in the bottom of her throat worsen, nearly suffocating her and she ignored how her eyes were tingling, an ache in her heart as she had never said those words, had never had anyone say those words to her and that age old wine of hurt uncorked, flooding her and leaving her helpless as the memories of her childhood came to the forefront, too much to bear but it was her burden to hold on to.

Emilia studied the wooden top of the table, at the scorch marks from cups and plates placed down on it, scars that would never fade no matter the time. "It took me a long time to realise that."

There was this sad look on his face as he gazed at her, and his hand inched forward as if he wanted to take hers in his grip again but he pulled back at last minute, dropping it to his lap. Emilia wouldn't have minded if he had taken her hand, but couldn't take the step to do so herself. She was always afraid she would go past an imaginary line. Emilia still wasn't used to how kind Sirius was being to her, how he would hold her hand and she was still worried he would tell her not to hug him ever again like she had.

"Kids can be such pieces of shit and never realise it," Sirius said softly, in a tone more gentle than she had ever heard him speak in again and Emilia was sucked into the grey of his eyes, could see nothing but them and it stilled her heart completely. "They shouldn't have done those things to you."

Her mouth was glued shut, wondering how much more Sirius had hidden within himself that could be used to leave her speechless and surprised. She had only ever thought of those school days in passing, trying to never let the pain really get to her, downplaying it but now it was out in front of them both and hard to ignore.

Kids will be kids, that she knew, and she knew those kids would never remember her if she ever went up to them, but she remembered, every single day she remembered their mean words and cruel acts and it was unfair that they got to forget and she had to remember it for the rest of her life. She was a child too, why did she have to go through that when they get to brush it off and pretend it was only fun and games?

And Sirius was right, they shouldn't have done those things, she shouldn't have to remember it and wince at the memories, shouldn't have see those kids grow up and never remember everything they put her through. Even Marina would forget her, would never realise how much she put Emilia through it was unfair, it was all so unfair.

A breath washed away that anger in her lungs out and Emilia gave a shrug. "It's in the past, I suppose. Nothing I can do about it now."

But Sirius seemed determined, a sharp look in his eyes. "I won't let that happen to you again."

She wondered why it bothered him to know the truth, and thought about what he might do if she continued on, to say it was still happening but she didn't have the heart to tell him everything, about Marina, the endless torture, what awaited for her once she got back to the tower. Would he be angry at herself, or at himself for not being able to keep true to his word? She didn't want him to be even more upset, to realise it was futile. "You have a time machine?"

"I could try and make one. It could be my next project."

"That'd be interesting to see."

They fell into silence and Emilia wondered if that was that, if they would be off to bed but there was something in Sirius' face that showed he wanted more, to say something else and she waited, watching how he grew nervous, looking down at his hands and Emilia almost missed him speaking as she tried to comprehend that Sirius was nervous over something. "Emilia, you've… you've never seen me like that, have you?"

Her brows drew together as his words lulled off, watching how he shifted and seemed tense. He looked uncomfortable, unsure. Emilia was confused, wondering what he could possibly mean; how was she supposed to see him? She had seen him as many things: annoying, a nuisance, a comfort, a… friend. But which one he meant, Emilia didn't know. "Like what?"

He didn't answer straightaway and Emilia had never seen him like this and it made her slightly worried because there was something that was clearly bothering him, something that concerned her. He finally looked up at her, uncertain and even regretful. What about? "Like a bully. You haven't seen me like one, have you?"

Emilia blinked, wondering how on earth he drew to that conclusion; a bully? Was that what he was worried about? She realised he must have been carrying this for sometime until it got too bloated for him to let continue fester without an answer and Emilia was in disbelief; where had he drawn that conclusion? There had been times he was annoying, had bothered her and sometimes made her curse him, but he had never done anything to hurt her like so many others had, like Marina and all the kids in her old school; he was nothing like them and the fact he thought he was made a crack echo in Emilia, tearing her straight open.

Whatever feelings of dislike she had towards him had long since evaporated but even back then, what felt like so long ago, Sirius had never been mean to her, had never done anything that could leave her nursing the same scars that had torn open time and time again. Had she made him think like that? Caused him to eaten alive by these worries and fears? She had done this, she had made him feel like this and, just as Sirius had, her hand twitched, as if she wanted to grab a hold of his hand and cradle it as gently as he had hers.

Emilia shook her head fervently, in disbelief he had carried this with him for so long. He had no idea, no idea at all how he made her feel, how she felt safe with him, how she was able to tell him she was scared of the dark and now know he would never make fun of her. Emilia wanted to be that for Sirius, too.

"What? No," she said in a rush of air, breathless and speaking quickly and hoping he knew she was telling the utter truth but he still had that doubtful look on his face. "You've… you've been nice to me. Even after how I treated you for so long, you were always nice to me."

"I mean, I was trying to get on your good side. For ages, I thought you would never smile."

A small smile appeared on Emilia's lips, as if proving Sirius right. "It seems I have to concede victory."

"What can I say? I'm competitive, can't stand the thought of losing."

In this case, Emilia didn't mind taking on the moniker of loser, realising she never really had a chance at winning in this where Sirius was concerned. She liked having him make her smile, if it meant that he would return it too. Once, she wanted nothing more than her scowl to put him off and leave her alone, but now…

She wondered what happened now. Where would they go from here, what would happen from here on out; he had wanted her forgiveness, to have her realise he wasn't some massive prick who liked making her life a living Hell. If she gave it, then what? Suddenly, the thought of losing in this respect made her panic, that perhaps what ever they had had a time limit, that this would be it for them. And Emilia didn't want that to be case, she didn't want him to go back to pretending she didn't exist, to not make her smile or laugh anymore; she was selfish, she wanted it all and more and she would give it to him if it meant that they could remain as they were.

She didn't want to lose this, him, and fear gripped at her at the inevitable that maybe he would clap his hands and say job well done, then leave her behind. That he would go on back to his own friends, to other people, and make them laugh and smile like he had made her done. Was it selfishness? Perhaps, and Emilia knew she had no right to be with regards to this.

It left a terrible taste in her mouth, the thought of it all. "Sirius?"

He turned to her lazily, looking ready for bed and for a brief moment she thought about leaving it but there was a voice in her head, a self destructive one that made her keep pushing. "Yeah?"

"If… if I said that I forgive you," she began, not able to look him in the eyes but she couldn't go on with this weighing her mind down, couldn't look at him as she spoke. "After what happened, and that I don't think you're a massive prick, would… would you stop talking to me?"

She could hear his sharp intake of breath, pulling her up from looking at her lap and his face was blank, void of any emotion as if he was wearing a mask, shell shocked by what she had said and Emilia new she had gone too far, knew that she had stepped over that line she always worried about and her mouth was dry as Sirius' eyes became cold, empty. "What?"

Shit, shit, what had she done? Why had she said that? No, no, no, what have I done? "Sorry, that was a bit weird. I shouldn't have asked that – "

"Emilia, no," Sirius snapped but it wasn't harsh, quick to stop her from taking it back, from changing the conversation once again. He would not let her, not this time. "Is that what you thought? That if you said you forgave me, that I would turn heel and never talk to you again?"

Emilia couldn't open her mouth to speak and she watched the way his face fell at her lack of response, which was just as bad as telling him that it was what she thought, it was what she feared and Emilia cursed herself for even opening her stupid gob in the first place. And then his face became cold, and it was worse than him being angry or yelling at her.

"It is what you think." His voice sounded empty, and Emilia knew she had messed up.

Emilia began to panic, fearing she had finally gone too far and her heart quickened its pace and she looked around the kitchen for an escape and there was a croak in her voice as her hands tightened into fists. Sirius was still staring at her with that hurt look on his face and it made Emilia regret what she had said so much to the point it burrowed a hole in her, cursing herself for being so fucking stupid to even ask such a question.

What had she expected? Did she have so little faith in him? And she knew he was thinking the same thing and her breaths began to come and leave her as soon as they met her lungs, burning. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said – "

"Merlin, no, Emilia," he interjected and this time he did not hold back, reaching across to take her hand quickly before she could hold back and he held it tightly, a pleading look in his eyes as he tried to get her to understand and it made the feeling tearing and tying her stomach into knots worsen. "I wouldn't have done that at all. I still won't."

He must be able to feel how clammy her hands were and she tried to take the one in his back to wipe it but he refused, gripping it tight and not letting her pull away and she was trapped in the gaze of his eyes, like a deer into oncoming traffic. "I'm sorry, I never – I didn't mean to imply anything. I just – I – "

"Stop apologising for doing nothing wrong," he snapped and Emilia's mouth shut close and he softened slightly, as if realising he had taken a wrong step. "If anything, I've done something to make you think that."

No, no, it wasn't his fault – it could never be his fault. She tried taking her back but he refused, hold tightening. He wasn't going to let her retreat into herself, not this time. "No, Sirius, it's just my stupid self overreacting like this."

"You're many things Emilia, but you're not stupid," he told her but Emilia couldn't believe it, didn't want to because it would make the remorse she felt worsen. "I wouldn't do that to you – I won't."

She looked down, swallowing the regret burning a hole through her, a bitter taste on the back of her mouth that could never be washed away with copious amounts of lemon cake. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"You haven't," he insisted, shaking his head and imploring her to believe him, to see reason and not get eaten alive by the festering worry that she could no longer ignore that had become a bloated monster threatening to consume her whole. Emilia had never seen Sirius like this, with her or anyone else. "I mean, Emilia, you do know that – that I do think of you as a friend, right?"

"You do?" She asked, his words echoing in her head and he nodded. His hand loosened its grip slightly but he didn't pull away and neither did she, so their entwined hands sat atop of the table, any movement at all would lead to the plates falling and crashing to the ground. Emilia told herself that was the reason she didn't pull back, but it was a half baked lie. She wondered if Sirius would lie to himself about things like these to rationalise why he didn't want to pull away.

"Of course I do," he admitted and she could see the faintest colour return to his cheeks, as if he felt embarrassed about speaking so openly to her about this. She had never seen Sirius blush, that he was someone so self composed he could never, and she so socially inept that it would be impossible to cause another person to turn red, but he did, and she had. "And – and I hoped you kind of did too since you put up with me so much and haven't Hexed me with a face full of boils."

A huff left her and it was her turn to feel the heat in her cheeks. "I've been tempted."

"Remus does say it would give me some much needed humility."

"Well, it couldn't hurt," she spoke and she watched the corner of his mouths tilt upwards.

"Well I'm glad you didn't," he said softly and he was looking at her like that again, with the pleading look she had never seen grace his face ever. "But, do you?"

She didn't want to play dumb but he was leaving her thoughtless, breathless, as if everything about her was being held in his palms. "Do I what?"

"See me as a mate, of sorts?" Sirius pressed on and he was minding his words, trying not to spook her off or make her doubt his sincerity. "I mean, personally, I would feel weird if I just kept hanging around you if you didn't and if you secretly hated me."

Emilia hesitated, not sure why, but she promised herself she didn't want to lie to him. "I… I do. Yes," she finally decided on and she didn't miss how his body relaxed, the smile on his face appearing more real this time. "Is that alright?"

A sound of disbelief left him and his eyes widened as he leaned over the table more, studying her face to see if there was any chance of her joking but found none. "Are you asking me if it's alright that we're mates?"

"Um, yes?" she responded, but it came out awkwardly, wondering if she had asked the wrong thing but Sirius laughed, a true laugh that rang in his chest, that left his cheeks with a dusting of pink and Emilia knew he wasn't laughing at her, he never did, and that sparkle in his eyes bloomed, like stars.

"Bloody Hell – Emilia, yes," he said and his hand gripped hers tighter, trying to get the point across, but all Emilia could think about was how his skin burned and how his laughter continued on in her skull, rattling her soul. That grin she loved so much returned on his face once more, knocking her clean off her feet. "It's fine. Great even."

"Great?" Emilia echoed, wondering how anything about her could be great but Sirius seemed to think so, seemed to see more about her than she could ever see in a mirror. She wondered what she looked like through his eyes, what it was about her that made even a semblance of 'great'.

"Yes, great. That means you're stuck with me now, whether you like it or not."

And to Emilia, that didn't seem so bad.

hello, hello! Before I get into me A/N, I would like to answer a few of your reviews!

OryxGreen: fnewaijfaiw youre gonna make me cry! you're so kind! it broke my heart writing emilia and her story, especially considering how she tries to disconnect herself from her past and compartmentalises her own trauma of growing up. i really be out here making my characters suffer and then being sad that they suffer; but the angst and emotional catharsis is so worth it. i really wanted the more emotional side of emilia and how she learns that it's okay to deal with her emotions instead of packing them away. i really wanted her to grow on from that and now she knows she's allowed to feel things, to cry and be upset and be happy. Sirius is a catalyst, helping her growth instead of being the only reason for it. thank you so much for all ur love and support! i know i havent updated in a while but this story means the whole world and more to me, just as all your reviews do! i hope you enjoy this chapter too! xx

LoveFiction.2021: i really be making Emilia suffer and then be like "aw poor kid" as if IM NOT THE ONE CAUSING HER PAIN. rip emilia :(

Epicthy: thank you so much! i hope u enjoy this one as well, and i hopeur feeling better! xx

megancl99: thank u! im feeling much better now thankfully! like everyone i want her to open up to sirius but i also know it just wouldnt be her to open up straightaway, growth and opening up about these things take time. but oh man i cant WAIT for us to get there because i have it planned out and im like yesssssssss sirius but i wont spoil anything! thank u for ur review and love! x

Kaiya's Watergarden: thank you! i loved writing the previous chapter because it was such an emotional moment of release for Emilia and i loved it! it's definitely a turning point for her and this chapter even more so for both her and sirius (hint: date next chapter *side eye*).

Gwenaria1: hfoeahfnao thank u! i really wanted to do this moment of Emilia's trauma justice, and drew on my own experience even if ive never personally gone through her trauma. i wanted to make sure i did the moment write and i didn't want to sugarcoat it either, and it was hard to write such a deep, traumatic moment for her, but im so glad that i managed to do it right! it means the world to me that you love emilia as a character, it really blows me away that people like her considering i never really intended her to be someone people like from the onset since she has her flaws and does things that even makes me want to tear my hair out even if theyre in character for her. i hope u enjoy this chapter as well, thank u for all the love and support! xx

GreenerGrass: thank you so much! im so glad you enjoyed the chapter, even if it wasn't plot heavy! i really didn't want to keep Emilia as a mystery character, but rather let things happen organically instead of exposition dumping. thank you for the love! xx

wanderinganthro: thank you! glad u enjoyed! hope u continue to support this story of mine! :)

StayStrong26: thank u! it was a bit hard to write considering how heavy it is as a subject, and drawing on my own experiences while making it not about me left me stumbling a bit, but im glad i did it justice! i hope you enjoy this slightly lighter chapter! x

hewwo, long time no see. I'm finished uni but have loads of essays to be doing. have i started any? no. do i regret it? slightly.

but here's an undate! with even MORE talking and being open with one another! good soup 3

next chapter: first date? more cutesy sirius and emilia? tune in to find out!

song of choice while writing: i want to be with you by chloe moriondo

Thanks for reading!