last words of a shooting star

by toniestark

Emilia Greene could have gone the remainder of her last year at Hogwarts with Sirius Black having no idea she even existed until he managed to publicly humiliate her in front of the whole school. In her defense, she thought he deserved more than the slap she gave him.

26. chapter twenty-five

I do not own any characters or places unless stated otherwise.

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chapter twenty-five.

"Checkmate."

James stared at the chessboard pieces, brown eyes trying to pick apart where he had gone wrong and his brows scrunching together before he threw his accusatory gaze towards Sirius. "You cheated!"

"I did not!" Sirius lied, gasping at the idea his friend would dare accuse him so heinously, albeit truthfully.

"Lying liar who lies," James grumbled as his back fell against the wall behind him, arms over his chest as Sirius began packing away the board and pieces, grinning maliciously at his own victory.

"And you're just a sore loser. One day you'll be good enough to maybe have a chance at beating me, Prongs," Sirius teased, sorely tempted to stick his tongue out to rub salt in the wound as he put everything away, the remnants of what they spent the past hour doing packed away as he placed it down on the ground beside where they were perched on the windowsill. The glass beside them was clouded up with condensation from how cold it was outside, the dry weather masking the drop in temperature.

"Practise makes perfect. I'll beat you over Christmas, just you watch," James threatened, his leg swinging off the edge and he looked as if he had half a mind to try and ram the tip of his shoe into Sirius' shin after his brutal defeat. They had decided on playing a game after their brief sleep from the night before and the exhaustion was creeping in despite it being midday; with Remus in the infirmary and Peter deciding to sleep in for a few more hours, they were left to entertain themselves that didn't result in any potential detentions that would last until the break. "Speaking of, Mum hasn't stopped writing to me asking if you're coming over for the holidays."

Sirius' brow furrowed. "Why doesn't she write to me asking?"

"Because she thinks she'll annoy you if she keeps hounding you. Doesn't seem to have a problem with doing that to me, though," James sighed, resting the birds nest of black hair against the window, not caring that it would leave him with a half flat head.

This would be the second Christmas Sirius would be spending not living with the Potters, and it always felt strange not being under the same roof as them. Living alone had its perks, but there were times Sirius missed having to throw a pillow at James in the middle of the night to get him to stop snoring, or when Euphemia would try brushing through Sirius' hair, or when Fleamont used to sneak them sweets after dinner when they were younger.

He still remembered Euphemia's wet eyes when he told her he would be moving out, the way Fleamont's face was etched with concern and how they insisted he would always be welcome under their roof for as long as he needed.

It felt strange going back, knowing that it was only for a visit instead of forever. But that was the part about becoming an adult and Sirius had already left one home before, so he was no stranger to a change in scenery.

Still, not that he would admit it, there were times when it was so quiet back in his own apartment – the eerie silence, the sound of his record player sometimes being the only noise in the place, waking up alone, going to bed alone. He would never dare say that it was a lonely lifestyle, but he was teetering on the edge of it.

So with Christmas coming around the corner and knowing he would be spending it at the Potters yet again was a relief, that feeling doubled with the fact that they eagerly awaited his presence.

"Send her my love," Sirius smiled, mimicking James as he leaned back, arms crossed over his chest and his leg swinging in tune with James' own. "I have a second secret family I've to visit so I'll try and work in a social call."

James cocked an eyebrow that disappeared under his messy fringe, pulling his head up from where it rested against the glass and, sure enough, with his hair half plastered to his skull. "I thought we were the second secret family."

"That you know of," Sirius grinned. "What can I say? A man of my looks, talent and smarts, I just can't be tied down."

James snorted, rolling his eyes behind his glasses. There was tape keeping it together at the bridge of his nose after they bend apart during the last quidditch game that they had and Euphemia was well acquainted to repairing her son's glasses every time he came home from Hogwarts. "If you could be tied down, I would have done so and thrown you down a well."

"I'm flattered, but you're not my type."

"And who's to say you're mine?"

"You're right there, I don't have red hair," Sirius said, poking at James' sore spot which elicited a groan from his friend, the other boy slumping where he sat and running a hand over his face, nearly knocking his glasses off before he ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation, snagging on a few knots. No doubt they would both be subjected to haircuts from the Potter matriarch over the break from how long their hair was getting.

"Don't get me started," James sighed, voice stressed as he pushed it out through his teeth, features taking a downward turn at the mention of a certain lady with fiery hair and sometimes an equally fiery temper.

Sirius shook his head, knowing this game and its steps all too well. "You still playing hard to get?"

"It's difficult to do that when I'm hard to want," James pouted, as if the memory left a bad taste in his mouth. In James' defence, Sirius had to commend him for managing to restrain himself when around the Gryffindor Head Girl as he had failed to do so in the past. Not that James would notice, but one could say that Lily Evans was even beginning to tolerate his existence to the point she hadn't Hexed him since the school year began.

But then again, she was an enigma that he was glad not to be lumped with when doing rounds. If she disliked James, she seemed to hate Sirius.

"She'll warm up to you eventually," Sirius comforted, words that were met with a scoff from James as he rolled his eyes at his belief that that would be as possible when the Chudley Cannons manage to win another League Cup.

"Yeah, that'll happen when you manage to grow a beard," James muttered, not bothering to keep his voice low enough to pass by Sirius' ear as he let out a shout of disbelief, hand instantly going to his unfortunately still smooth jaw and cheeks. Remus was the first of them to be able to grow a beard, with James a close second – hell, even Peter managed to get some peach fuzz in the middle of Fifth Year.

Not that Sirius was jealous or anything.

"I could if I wanted to but I need to leave everyone else a fighting chance," Sirius defended with a grumble to which James smirked at before he placed his head back against the window pane with a thud, his glasses askew on his face from the angle he was resting at. The hallway was bustling with other students, ripe with people already talking about their plans for the Christmas and the occasional wave and smile was thrown their way, but no one sought to bother the two of them.

James heaved a sigh, breath ghosting on the glass in two plumes as his face scrunched up as it normally did whenever he was deep in thought, shoulders bunched up tightly as if something was weighing on them heavily and he seemed a lot more serious than moments before.

"Evans' just been…" James began in a hushed voice, a frustration creeping in his tone as he tried to form his thoughts into words while Sirius waited patiently. Girl talk hadn't been their topic of conversation for a while ever since James tried to quit cold turkey on fawning over Lily some time ago, while Sirius on the other hand… well, he couldn't remember the last time he had to have a girl talk with any of his friends since girl trouble hadn't been present in his life for some time now. "It seems like ever since I said I wouldn't bother her anymore and just wanted to be friends, she's been going out of her way to make it impossible not to fall even in more love with her."

A huff of amusement left Sirius at his friend's exasperation, trying not to poke too much fun at James' expense. He had become more empathetic to James' plight as of late and wasn't ragging on him as much as he used to, especially when he was not a bit more… understanding the duress his friend was under. "I'm sure she misses you not annoying her of every minute of every day."

Sirius' attempt to cheer him up was met with a snort as James held an incredulous look on his face, looking positively forlorn at the idea that the truth was entirely opposite to what Sirius had tried to comfort him with. "That's doubtful. She tries her hardest not to be around me."

James might have started pouted entirely had he not a shred a dignity left in him and Sirius' mouth opened to offer more words of comfort before a flash of red hair appeared behind James' shoulder in the crowd, bobbing through shoulders and the smaller heads of the younger years; Lily Evans broke through the swarm of groups, metres away from where they sat on the windowsill and Sirius' eyes squinted at her, but she seemed to take no notice of him, a frown on her lips and gaze trained solely on the shoulder belonging to James that was peering out from behind the wall.

Sirius' brows jumped up on his forehead at the sight of the redhead and the look of determination carved into her features, her freckles warped as she made their way to them, all the whiles James remained none the wiser of the devil he spoke of finally appearing. "Really? So you think she wouldn't just walk straight up to you and go out of her way to talk to you?"

Another scoff from James' lips as he remained ignorant of the apparition of his wildest dreams stalking up behind him. The downward turn of the ever approaching Lily Evans made Sirius began to dread that they were in for a scolding that would even put McGonagall to shame, though couldn't recall if they had done anything as of late to warrant such a giving out to.

"As if," James sighed, not noticing that Sirius' eyes were glued elsewhere. "She always has this screwed up, constipated look on her face when we have to do the rounds and I don't even talk to her during those times! It's like my very presence annoys her, so I try not to open my stupid mouth and annoy her even more."

"So you're saying there's never a chance of her coming up to talk to you happening?" Sirius asked as Lily drew closer and he could see the annoyance in her face clearer than ever, a nervousness bleeding through his veins that not even Filch could evoke. God help them all if Lily Evans ever decided to become an Auror.

Clear confusion was etched onto James' face at Sirius' words. "No, why?"

"Well, because it's happening right now," Sirius managed to say in a hushed rush of words as a warning before James' spine straightened as if struck by lightening and he spun around to face Lily as she glared down at him, arms over her chest and nearly frightening him to death at the sight of her. His shock was evident as he let out a spluttered wheeze, brown eyes blinking rapidly as they did a once over on her, as if trying to make sure she was real while he straightened his glasses on the bridge of his, though as hard as he tried, the image of her before him remained.

Sirius, on the other hand, was glad that he was not on the receiving end of her glower; that had been something he had unfortunately been subjected to far too many times that he was relieved to have a reprieve from.

"Where were you this morning?" Lily started immediately and James' nervous apprehension rolled off of him, a choked sound leaving him and Sirius was sorely tempted to give his friend a hit across the back of the head to knock some sense into him.

"Good morning, Evans," James choked out. For the first time in his life, Sirius elected to remain silent and watching lest he risk her ire turning to him, even at the cost of his best friend.

"I can't say the same," Lily all but hissed back. "Potter, where were you?"

James' eyes flashed over to Sirius for some help but none was to be found, leaving the other boy floundering as he tried wracking his brain for any possible answer as to why Lily would be so annoyed at him this early in the day. They hadn't even done anything – well, they hadn't done anything that had been discovered yet. James hesitated with his response. "It's still eleven, any earlier I would've been in bed."

"You promised me you would come with me to talk to McGonagall about the problems in with girls bathrooms with Moaning Myrtle."

"I did?" James squawked, casting a side glance at Sirius as if expecting his friend to be able to back up such a claim but Sirius gave a shrug, leaving James to the very annoyed, red headed wolf in front of him.

"You did!" she seethed, hands on her hips and glowering down at James with a sharp eye. It was no wonder Lily made Prefect and then Head Girl – the way she could stare anyone down would be enough to make even the most nastiest of criminals to instantly fess up to any heinous crime. "I had to do it by myself."

James scratched the back of his neck and his ears were burning a soft red, wincing as though he finally was able to recall making such a promise and was trying to backtrack as much as he could without tripping over himself. "I thought I said that was tomorrow."

"You said that last night," she corrected him and another wince flashed over James' face like lightening over the mooring hills of Hogwarts on a bad day. Sirius almost pitied the guy but was ultimately relieved he wasn't in his mate's position; he had experienced the stare that was pinning James down far too many times to want to be in his shoes. "Today is tomorrow."

"Oh. Sorry," James said sheepishly, running a hand through his hair haphazardly and the already messy plume of black shadows stuck up in all sorts of directions on top of his head. "I guess I forgot, I didn't mean to. It was a late night last night."

Lily's lips pursed as she once more took to crossing her arms over her chest, wondering if the apology being offered up was in anyway sincere. It was all James could say on the matter as it was – they couldn't exactly explain to Lily that their best mate was under the weather because of a small case called being a werewolf and that they had to make sure he didn't decide to break into the castle and tear apart everyone in their beds. "Do your duties as Head Boy mean nothing to you?"

"Of course they do!" James protested, offended by such an accusation and turned to Sirius, pleading with his eyes. "Sirius, back me up."

Sirius put his hands up, wondering if he still might have a chance at escape if he started running but instead shook his head as Lily directed her glare towards him. Every man for himself, it seemed, much to James' disappointment. "Nope, not a hope. I'm staying out of this."

"Don't try to squirm your way out of this, Potter," Lily seethed, pointing a finger at him and James gulped, clamping his mouth shut and her brow was knitted together, staring him down before a taut sigh left her lips and she angled herself away from him, arms wound around her chest tightly and the way she carried herself Sirius would have said she looked disappointed. Like when your mother found out you got in trouble at school, or broke her favourite vase. "You promised that you would do this with me and you never showed up."

Oh, that's definitely disappointment, Sirius thought to himself. Having Lily Evans being disappointed in you was worse than her being angry – whatever little faith that she had in James seemed to be quashed by his failure to follow through and even James managed to pick up on this, scrambling with his words and trying to rectify the situation.

"I'm not squirming my way out of anything, it's the truth!" James defended and hesitated, casting an unseen glance to Sirius, who could his friend's brain going a mile a minute as he tried to come up with a suitable excuse that could be accepted as a watered down truth without being whole. "Look, it was an honest mistake. Remus wasn't feeling well and he was in the infirmary all night so we – I didn't get to bed until late. I'm sorry I stood you up, I hope you weren't waiting around for long."

Lily's eyes widened and flashed to James, and Sirius noted how her cheeks bloomed in pink as a scoff left her mouth. "You didn't stand me up, and I wasn't, like, waiting for you or anything."

Sirius' brows darted up his forehead but James simply let out a sigh of relief, sagging back up against the window and a grin on his face. "Oh, good. That's that sorted."

Lily shuffled on the spot, stiff and her cheeks were turning a darker shade of red. "Right."

An awkward silence that stretched continued to be sustained for a few moments and Sirius, a martyr as any, decided to try and break it. "So, any plans for the holidays, Evans?"

She seemed a bit put off by Sirius' civility but at least she didn't bite back at him to shut up or Hex him, so that meant they had to be getting somewhere. "I'm going home to see my family."

"Not spooked easily then?" James asked in a low tone.

A crease formed between her eyebrows, head cocked to the side in confusion. "No, why would I be?"

James wiggled his fingers, doing a quick survey of their surroundings before he continued, keeping up that hushed tone as if he was afraid someone might hear the words he wanted to say. "That whole underground war that's happening."

It was a touchy subject in school, but even more so to bring up around Muggleborns; no one really said anything about it in public and the teachers were more than happy to hand out detentions if anyone was caught talking about it out loud, but that just meant people learned to whisper about it and to be careful of eavesdroppers who were sensitive to such a topic.

Sirius was one of those people, his skin prickling at the mention of it and it made a sour taste burst in his mouth; it wasn't as if he was woefully and purposely ignorant of the whole thing, in fact he would say he was far too aware of it all, too aware of the fact that dark, hushed talks were taking place in corners and alcoves, of words like bloodtraitor being branded into him, of grey eyes that were a mirror of his and burning cold with hate.

He had been entrenched in the war even before it began; his parents, his brothers, their high society friends who turned their noses up at the mentions of Muggles and Muggleborns, how they would see him as amusing at first for not agreeing, rebellious when he didn't conform, and a traitor when he spoke out. He was no longer entertaining enough at parties for his family where their friends would talk down to him and titter behind their hands when he would frown and not understand why it was bad to have friends who were Muggles or Muggleborn, and therefore he had outgrown his use.

Children, it seemed, were only useful when they could be moulded to taste of their parents.

When Sirius didn't fit the cast made for him, he was thrown out as easily as a broken piece of furniture.

Not that he cared.

Not that he wanted them as his family.

A sigh left Lily as she rolled her eyes, pushing her hair behind her ears. "It's hardly a war. Just a bunch of disgusting, fascist, nutcases acting up."

Sirius snorted, wondering how many wars, Muggle and magic alike, started and were dismissed because everyone thought no one in their right mind would agree with such ideologies. Common sense was, unfortunately, not as common as one would think and complacency all too readily turned into compliance. "You wouldn't happen to know any of them, do you?"

The air turned cold and James' audible intake of breath was sharp, cutting as Lily slowly narrowed her gaze up at Sirius. "What was that?"

"I think Sirius meant that, well, you haven't been fraternising with those knobheads, have you?"

A dark look flickered across Lily's face and she looked down at her feet for a moment; it was an unspoken agreement between the two that neither of them would ever bring up whatever happened between her and Snivellus after James had begged Sirius to not taunt Lily about her apparent old best friend ever since they parted ways. Part of Sirius did feel bad for Lily despite being glad she no longer hung around the greasy bastard; they had been friends for years up until that point, and losing friends regardless of who they were or what they became hurt.

And it was clear that Lily did hurt, no matter the fact she quickly placed a neutral look on her face, and guilt ate away at Sirius for even bringing it up in the first place in a vague manner. He hadn't meant to reopen old wounds, but that didn't matter because he had done that regardless of his intentions. "No, Potter, I haven't been fraternising."

James nodded, pleased at the revelation. "Good, best to be safe that way."

Lily quirked an eyebrow at that, as if she had expected James to slip her a snide comment about her previous relationship with a certain, greasy haired cunt who prowled dark corners with his blood purist friends. Sirius didn't know why she was so surprised that neither he nor James were inclined to jape about it anymore since they hadn't done so in some time, but he supposed she had been subjected to it so much that such a deviation from it confused her more than anything else. "Why? You worried?"

James seemed confused at this, at the apparent sarcasm in her voice and flickered a look to Sirius before turning back to Lily, befuddled at the reaction to his concern. "Of course I would be worried about you."

Sirius had never seen Lily look so shocked at a rare occasion of sincerity from James, her cheeks ever so slowly filling up with a pink hue, overflowing across the canvas of her pale skin and as blind as James could be, broken glasses and all, Sirius most definitely was not; he might not be the best with girls, but he knew for a fact that no girl would blush so easily for any boy who she supposedly hated with every fibre of her being. "Really?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" James said casually, shrugging. "We're friends after all."

If her expression before couldn't have been any more apparent, the way her features morphed and the blood rushed from her cheeks was practically an open book as she trained her face to a neutral expression, as if the word 'friends' had left a bad taste in her mouth; one might have thought it was due to the fact the idea of being friends with James Potter after years of publicly hating him disturbed Lily to her core, but Sirius knew better – oh, of course he knew better, even if James didn't.

Sirius was sure his jaw would have dropped entirely if he hadn't caught himself in time and his eyes darted back and forth between an ignorant James and an awkward Lily, disbelief at the scene in front of him.

"Yes, friends," Lily repeated emptily, as if she was tasting how the word felt on her tongue, how foreign and strange it was. Then she gave a small shake of her head, red hair flying around her at the movement and gave a small cough to clear her throat, regaining her composure. "Well, thank you but there's no need to be worried."

"I think everyone is right now. But it'll all blow over soon," James reassured with a wave of his hand but it appeared as if he didn't fully believe his own words, just the same as the other two.

One could hope that this whole 'blood purist war' would be nipped in the bud soon, but that was just it – it was merely hope. It made Sirius' skin itch at the thought of leaving school and being thrusted into the real world, where all the danger was, where the threat was. He didn't like the idea or the possibility that he wouldn't be able to protect everything and everyone that he loved.

"Hopefully before the World Cup during the summer," Sirius grumbled, trying not to spend too much time thinking about it. Right now, his biggest problem were his N.E.W.T.s and figuring how to pass them with the barest minimum effort put in. "And I still need to do my Christmas shopping."

"Leave it until last minute?" Lily teased.

"Hey, I'm not as bad as him. Sometimes he buys his months beforehand, it's weird how organised he is," Sirius deflected towards James who snorted.

"You don't say that when I get you your present," James shot back, sticking his tongue out.

"Well, I don't want anything in my mailbox from you this Christmas, Potter," Lily laughed, genuinely laughed – Sirius couldn't remember if she had ever done anything other than scowl and hiss in their presence. "My parents are still scared opening the letterbox after the paper bird you sent."

James placed a hand on his heart. "Don't worry, you won't be getting anything."

Lily blinked and Sirius was sorely tempted to slap his hand against his forehead – or maybe to slap James. Maybe both was a good option. "Oh. Good."

From the tone of her voice it most certainly was not all good and Sirius clicked his tongue at James' blindness.

"But I can still write to you, yeah?" James asked, completely unaware. "Need to make sure we're all on top on our duties and all that shite before we come back."

"Oh. Of course, yes."

"Fantastic," he said and a silence hung in the air between them. Sirius nearly choked on the tension coming from Lily's end.

"Right, well… bye then," she said and lingered for a moment before she turned heel and left the two boys, probably able to feel how their eyes were glued to her retreating back where she waved down Marlene and Mary before bounding over to them, red hair glistening as it caught on the cold, November sun.

James swivelled back to face Sirius with a groan leaving him, burying his face into his hands and nearly knocked his glasses off in the process, a muffled, half hearted scream trapped in his palms as he looked to Sirius in desperation. "See? She absolutely hates me!"

Sirius shook his head at his friend's breakdown, knowing that what had transpired had completely gone over James' mop of messy, dishevelled hair.

Dislike? Maybe.

Hate? Sirius wasn't so sure about that, not anymore.

Perhaps once he could safely bet on Lily Evans hating James, but they were older now and with the two of them being forced to work together as Head Boy and Girl, he wasn't entirely sure if she still kept that flame burning. They did all try to be civil to one another, and James hadn't bothered her about going out with him since Fifth Year, so it was hard to say, even for Sirius.

Lily Evans was as confusing as she was beautiful. Then again, which girl wasn't?

"Thin line between love and hate, mate," was all Sirius said, mulling over the interaction in his head. One thing was for certain: Lily Evans definitely did not hate James as much as the latter was insisting on. What could Sirius even say? James would probably burst into a fit of laughter if Sirius said that maybe, just maybe, Lily felt a lot more than just endurance of his existence, and then his mate would probably dissolve into tears at the terrifying prospect the only girl he has ever loved would never like him back.

James heaved a heavy sigh, drawing his legs up beneath him and resting his elbow on his knee, stooped over to cradle his cheek with his palm and a cloudy look descended upon his features. "The only thing she loves about me, Padfoot, is that she loves to hate me."

Sirius sorely wanted to debate that but decided against it. "So, you're not going to send her the necklace you got your mother to get last week?"

James huffed in irritation, throwing his arms up. "Well I can't now, can I?"

"Just say it was a last minute gift."

"She'll see right through that," he grumbled. "Why do girls have to be so smart and complicated?"

"Beats me. Let me know when you find the answer."

James groaned into his hands, legs propped up beneath him with his elbows resting on his knees, remaining like that for a few minutes as the echoes of his interaction with the Head Girl persisted; over his shoulder, James remained unaware of what Sirius noted – Lily talking to Marlene, arms wrapped around herself, casting glances back at the two of them and a frown on her face that one might mistake for distaste but Sirius had seen enough of those looks thrown their way from her, and its essence felt… different, somehow.

Interesting, he remarked, before the redhead was hauled off by her friend, disappearing into the crowd entirely and he turned back to James, filing that piece of information away in the back of his mind for later rumination; James, on the other hand, was resting his jaw on his hand, the other slack in his lap and his lack of talking for once made Sirius uneasy because if there was one thing James Potter liked to do, the same as himself, was talk.

Yet, he continued to stare at Sirius in an odd way, persisting on doing so until Sirius was ready to reach across and give him another reason to have to tape up his glasses. Then –

"So…"

And there it is.

Sirius quirked a brow, leaning back into his spot and arms resting across his chest, waiting for James to spit out what he had been chewing on for a while, not keen to do the work for him. "So."

James deliberated for a pause, making Sirius what on earth was going through his mind so make his so hesitant to speak. "Will you be buying Emilia a present?"

That's what he had been thinking? Sirius bristled at the change in topic and took to staring out the window, attempting to remain nonchalant as he gave a shrug of his shoulders.

With girl talk being a topic of conversation that they had rarely ventured into as of late, it meant just as James had been refraining from talking about his troubles with Lily, Sirius had put an unspoken ban on the topic of Emilia, disliking the way his chest constricted and he wanted to take the chance to run while he could. They had tried talking to Sirius in the beginning, quizzing him about all sorts of things but were met with a brick wall with each attempt and Sirius tried to remain evasive as he could.

He had not actually seen Emilia that morning, what them waking up so late in the morning after the night before and missing her at breakfast, and what with James sticking to him, he couldn't exactly continue his manhunt for her around the castle. He had no doubt she would be in the library, or some other nook reading, or studying as always.

Sirius wondered how she spent her time when he wasn't around, if she enjoyed the silence and reprieve, or if she had spent her morning looking for him as he had been briefly managed to do before James snagged him.

"I was thinking about it, I have a few ideas in mind," he responded, continuing in his stare out the window, watching the students who were either stupid or brave enough to be outside in the cold, milling about and a few lounging on the grass that was still slick with dew with their cloaks beneath them to protect themselves getting damp.

James gave a hum, mimicking Sirius' gaze out the window, as if it was easier to talk without looking at one another. "And you're going to write to her over the holidays?"

Ah, that reminded him – he had to get her address one of these days before they broke for the holidays. She didn't have an owl or anything so he would have to be the one to write first, which worked for him so he wouldn't have to sit around waiting to see if she would break the silence and absence that they would experience once they both went home for the few weeks.

There was a pit forming in the bottom of his stomach at the prospect that they wouldn't be seeing each other for a few short weeks.

Maybe if she gave him her address, he could visit her.

"Of course I will. She told me no stinkbombs, but she didn't say anything about no presents."

The conversation lulled and died off, something that was very unlike from either boy and Sirius stared at James suspiciously, not liking the nonchalant look on his face at all, how his brown eyes were darting around Sirius' face as if looking for a crack to tear apart and peer into, as if Sirius had something to hide; there were no secrets between the two, it was a pact they made when James made Sirius promise never to hide anything ever again when he came back from his first Christmas at Hogwarts.

He could still remember it; the horror on James' face when he saw the bruises, how it grew when Sirius brushed off the concern, snapping at them that it was nothing, I've had worse, and how the tears welled in James' eyes, one of first of very few times he had ever seen James cry. It felt so long ago that day, how they held him, cradled Sirius as if he were fragile and might break apart – he did, it just took some time later on when it happened.

And since then, they had never kept a secret from one another, ever, regardless if it was stupid or not. And perhaps it was a childish thing to do, but that didn't matter to Sirius; there were very few people in the entire world that he trusted and once they held his trust, he would give it to them in his entirety, even if it meant telling them about how he had been worried over thinking that he got the clap over last summer.

But the way James was staring at him made him feel as if he was being scrutinised, that there was something he was tucking away that even he didn't know and it irritated him, being under suspicion as he was. "What?"

"What?" James parroted, attempting to look innocent but it was never a look that ever suited him.

"You have that pained look on your face."

James' lips took a downward turn. "I was just thinking."

"That explains the pained look."

James shifted in his spot, either because the stone was bruising his arse, or because he was uncomfortable at being caught out; his hand went to the back of his neck, rubbing it as he began looking elsewhere but Sirius' pointed gaze, making him all the more suspicious as where this sudden inquisition was headed. "Well, you know, just that you two seem awfully close."

He didn't need to say who the 'two' were – Sirius knew, James knew, they didn't have to say it out loud for the other to know. An itch began to spill under Sirius' skin, and he didn't like where this conversation was going, the whole thing being a point of contention for him.

He didn't know why the whole thing was unfathomable for his friends – did they seriously think him so incapable of being friends with a girl? Because that's what they were: friends. He and Emilia were friends and there was nothing wrong with that, why did everyone have to assume there was something devious going on in Sirius' mind for him to hang out with her?

It was insulting at best, and hurtful at worst for people to just assume that he had some underlying agenda for hanging out with her. Even the others had asked him in the beginning if that was his endgame and it made a bitter taste burn through Sirius; questions of what was he doing, why was he hanging out with her, why did he even want to hang out with her and it only stopped when Sirius snapped at them to shut up, to not bring it up.

"We are friends, you know," he said stiffly, taking to fiddling with the cuffs of his robes, pulling out loose threads with pinched fingers and trying to ignore James' inquisitive stare.

He didn't know why it bothered him, why anything to do with discussing Emilia bothered him so much as it did when they tried bringing it up and were promptly shut down with we're just friends, not allowing any further questions that tried to pull words from the bottom of Sirius' chest.

He was protective of his friends, of all his friends, but Emilia… she was just that bit different; she was his friend, not just their friend – his. It was all so confusing to explain, to try and articulate why he didn't like talking about it, about them, a melting pot of so many inexplicable things that couldn't be pulled and picked apart for him to understand, filling up every part of Sirius.

James continued to stare at Sirius, as if seeing how uneasy he was and tried to be as gentle as he could while probing for Sirius to speak, to finally dig up and spill out some secret he didn't even knew he had. "And… that's it?"

"Gossiping like two old fishwives now, are we?" Sirius joked but it felt forced as he tightened his arms around his chest, trying to hide the way he was fisting his robes in his hands, clutching at them so desperately that his nails threatened to tear holes straight through them.

There was something sympathetic in the way James looked at him, as if he could see what Sirius couldn't, as if he could tell what was bothering his friend that the latter refused to admit even existed. Sirius didn't like it at all, he didn't like this little game and this dance around; he wished Lily had just Hexed him so he could have gone to the infirmary and avoided this whole thing to start with.

James sighed and leaned back against the wall, as if he was tired of this game too and looked more serious than Sirius had ever seen him before, sincere, earnest. "It's just the two of us here."

"I know, I can see," Sirius all but snapped and winced inwardly at the tone of his voice. It wasn't James' fault that, sometimes, Sirius felt emotionally constipated – that his emotions were too difficult for him to understand and it only ended in heated frustration when he tried to ply them apart to study them and know what they meant.

But James didn't seem offput by Sirius' demeanour; the other boy had been by Sirius' side through it all – all the times he lost his composure, when he couldn't keep control of his temper that was all too reminiscent of his mother's. Above all, James did more than just understand: he empathised. It had taken a long time for Sirius to even say words like I am angry or I am sad or I wish my family weren't the people that they are and I miss them. "I mean, it's just us and you can talk to me because I was just curious is all."

"What about?"

"You and Emilia." James took no liberties in being vague – being subtle was never something he managed to master.

"And what about us?" Sirius ground out, that uncomfortable feeling pooling in the base of his stomach, a rising tide that was spilling into his chest and he wished he had just shut up when he did instead of feeding the beast that was James' relentlessness.

James stared blankly at Sirius for a while; for once, he was completely unreadable, eyes darting around Sirius' face as if trying to see a crack in his façade but finding little that could expose whatever it is he was looking for. Sirius' fingers dug into his clothing, dread slipping down his throat and his heart too tight in his chest and he knew where this was going, even if he wanted to continue playing an act of ignorance but he knew and he didn't like this, he didn't like this one bit.

And Sirius knew if he told James to drop it then his friend would but his throat was closing up and it seemed impossible to speak because he was finally out of steam, no longer able to outrun what had been dogging his footsteps for so long and yet he still did not turn to meet it. He didn't want to and James could see it, as if he could tell that Sirius had been trying to pretend not to know, what else did he expect from his best friend?

Sometimes, James knew Sirius better than Sirius knew himself – he knew Sirius' bad habits, how he would prefer to push whatever he felt down into a crevice and let it rot before ever acknowledging it.

And there were times James knew Sirius well enough to leave it alone, to not poke the bear so to say. Sirius wouldn't say he had mellowed out in recent years, but rather he had learned to control his temper; in the beginning, whenever his friends used to incessantly annoy him about bruises and cuts that would appear over the holidays, he would snap and snarl at them to leave him alone, but he had learned from that.

There were still times when his ability to quickly rise to anger frightened even himself, but he had been working on that – partly because his friends found ways to ease it out of him through talking, and partly because Sirius despised how he reminded himself of his mother when his temper got the better of him.

But this wasn't one of those times that James would elect to drop the subject – no, in fact, James seemed exhausted in keeping up the pretence of pretending not to know, of ignoring and avoiding. And perhaps that's what Sirius felt too, maybe he was pretending to keep up this façade merely because he was terrified of the truth.

"Sirius, I'm not going to beat around the bush," James stated bluntly and before Sirius could open his mouth to snarl out a smartass comment, James continued on, barrelling over him. "You do like her, don't you?"

Sirius felt his heart seize up and a bubble of nervous laughter floated from the bottom of his chest, which sounded as empty as Sirius felt. "Is that a question or a statement?"

"An observation," James explained coolly, not deterred by Sirius obvious dodging of the question.

"She's great, what's not to like?" Sirius responded with a shrug, a prickle beneath his skin making him itch, as if he was ready to jump from the spot he was sitting on and right through the glass of the window.

James shook his head, clicking his tongue and there it was – that look of disappointment, crafted masterly as Lily Evans' own look of disappointment. It made guilt and shame claw its way up his stomach, wrapping around his throat as it strangled him. "Deflecting with humour, classic tactic."

"I'm not deflecting!" Sirius defended loudly and a few heads turned their way but Sirius didn't care if anyone was watching them, if anyone could see the animalistic desperation that was scratching inside of him.

"You so are."

"Are not."

"Are too, dickhead," James insisted and there was a glimmer in his eyes, a ghosting of humour would his features as he lifted his shoulders and dropped them nonchalantly, leaning back against the wall, dropping a leg to let it swing back and forth against the lip of the stone. Sirius despised that James knew how riled up he was, that he knew exactly which buttons to press to get Sirius irked. "I mean, it's alright, we all kind of know that you do."

Sirius' eyes narrowed instantly at this. "And who's this 'we'?"

"Us. Me, Remus, Peter and maybe, I don't know, anyone with a working pair of eyes," James explained, counting on his fingers with each person he listed off and Sirius scowled, arms tight around himself as he delved into annoyed silence, glowering out the fogged up glass of the window, catching a glimpse of his own reflection as he did so. His face was darkened, brow knitted tight with a crease forming between them, lips turned downwards and pressed together as he watched the other students outside, bundled up to fight against the cold.

James did not attempt to provoke a response out of Sirius, letting the latter ruminate quietly at being stripped so ruthlessly and forced to bare it all; he hated this, he hated every single second of it – he hated the fact they all knew him so well, he hated the fact they talked about him behind his back, he hated that they all knew and probably laughed at him for it. He hated that James didn't care how clearly opposed Sirius was to talking about this ridiculous thing and yet continued to force him to talk about it, he hated it all.

But most of all – he hated that it was true.

He hated himself for it, because in the end, even though he hated them all for thinking he had some nefarious reason for being friends with Emilia, he hated that they ended up being right.

He had not meant to, he had not meant it to start when he would catch himself watching the way her nose would scrunch up whenever she was deep in thought, or when he would try not to laugh at the memory of how pained her face would be whenever she could never tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Sirius didn't mean for it when he began to wonder how it would feel to hold her hand, definitely did not mean it when he felt his heart to trip and stumble whenever her fingers brushed over his and how he feared that she would feel how sweaty his palm was.

It had risen in him, so slowly, so carefully, filling up every part of Sirius until it was too late and he realised exactly what it was that was making his chest feel too tight; how could it not happen? Perhaps it was inevitable, something meant to happen, or maybe it wasn't fate or destiny. If he never decided to sit there on that part of the bench that second week of school, if he had decided to have that sleep in or maybe not shoved James that caused the other boy to be relentless as they roughhoused. It didn't matter because it ended up happening anyways.

Sirius didn't mean for it at all; it felt wrong, to stare at her for too long, to think about her a bit too often, how her sense of humour was terrible but he wanted to laugh anyways. He worried he would go too far, make her uncomfortable by how much he wanted to be around her, that she wouldn't want him to touch her anymore, that he was too much, too forward.

But how could he not? Truth be told it scared him; these feelings he had scared him, and he didn't know why. It scared him how much he needed her and how he wanted her to need him just as much; how he needed her to keep him grounded, needed her to roll her eyes whenever he was being outrageous, when she would take his hand in her smaller one and tell him he wasn't ridiculous for how he felt, that he was allowed to be upset, to be angry, to be annoyed. He didn't have to be this public persona of Sirius Black, he could just breathe and be himself because he trusted her to never laugh at him maliciously.

Sirius trusted Emilia more than he trusted himself, and he trusted her with every part of his soul, even the ugly parts of it, because she never turned away no matter how malformed they were.

Sirius wanted to give every part of himself to her in a way he had never experienced before; finding someone you could trust and feel safe with wholeheartedly was equal parts terrifying as it was exciting, mostly the former for Sirius as he had all of these feelings and no idea what to do with them or where to put them.

How could he jeopardise his friendship with her over this? Everything Sirius touched, he destroyed – it's why no relationship he ever had worked out before, mainly because he knew he would end up ruining it in due time. So what was the point in trying when it was going to end terribly anyways?

But Sirius didn't want that, not with Emilia; did his feelings really matter more to him than her friendship? He would ruin it, ruin them, her, and then he would end up alone and hating himself all over again.

He couldn't do that, not to her.

Because Sirius did like her – he liked her more than just 'like', that felt too little a word to encapsulate the entirety of what he felt, too small to carry the weight of his feelings. It felt too common, too petty, too casual. It couldn't be stretched to fit right over the shape of Sirius' feelings, but it was the only word he had in his vocabulary.

Perhaps, one day, someone will invent a new word, until then he would have to use the only one that seemed available to him.

Because Sirius Black liked Emilia Greene.

He liked the way she would turn red in the face in an instant, he liked the way she would scoff at him, he liked the way her face would screw up in confusion and he liked the way she sometimes never got his jokes; he liked the way her eyes would go wide whenever he would regal her a tale of prank gone wrong, he liked the way she would try to hide her smile by ducking her head or placing a hand over her lips.

Sirius liked the way her grin was ever so slightly crooked, liked the way when she would scowl at him whenever he annoyed her during class, liked the way she would pretend to be annoyed by him but was secretly amused, when she refused to put up with his antics, when she would cringe in embarrassment whenever he said something stupid, or when she huffed in exasperation when he was being too stubborn.

And he liked the way when, during breakfast, she would still be half asleep with her eyes hazy from sleep and the cold, pale light of the sun would be illuminated behind her and she would glow like something divine, trying to shovel porridge into her mouth, honey on her lips, trying to smooth down her bed head at the same time.

There was no moment of revelation for Sirius; even when trying to be ignorant, he knew that those feelings existed, and no amount of pretending would make them go away. It rose up in him and no amount of effort could make him stamp it down back into the ground.

And now, acceptance made those feelings wash over him and he turned away from his reflection on the fogged up glass to look at James, a broken expression on his face. "Is it that obvious?"

James didn't seem all that surprised at Sirius confirming what he had been suspecting for so long. "Merlin, yes. How has she not seen it, I don't know," James said, exasperated, glad that they finally managed to address the massive troll in the room. Somehow, it didn't make Sirius feel any better. "Have you told her?"

"What do you think?" Sirius snipped, disliking the bitterness that tinged his tone and a gloomy mood came over him.

Confusion filtered onto James' face. "Why not?"

Sirius pondered over the question, even though he already knew the answer. He knew why hadn't said anything, not to Emilia, not to anyone – until now, that is. "You remember when I took her to Madam Puddifoot's, right?"

James features scrunched up, not sure where this was going. Nerves gripped at Sirius' gut, wringing them and tying them into knots. He felt nauseous, ill. This was James, his best friend, his brother even, but it still made him nervous to speak about because speaking about it made it real, brought it to life and life was filled with unpleasant and harsh truths. "Yeah?"

Sirius ran a hand haphazardly through his hair, a strained sigh leaving his lips as recalled that day, how he had it all planned out perfectly, right down to everything he was going to say and talk about and then it just… didn't go according to plan. "I don't know what I was thinking honestly, what made me do it. It just… popped into my head and I couldn't push it out. I felt nervous to the point I thought I was going to throw up." His heart pushed into his throat at the memory – how he was sure that his stomach would end up emptying whatever cakes and biscuits Madam Puddifoot was going set down between them. "I remember her holding my hand and I was thinking that she could definitely tell how sweaty my hands were and then we were sitting down with those bloody cherubs around us."

James nodded along, letting Sirius continue to spew. It was the first time James had ever seen his friend like this, his composure falling apart and letting worry and his nerves get to him. "Okay?"

"And I just, my stomach was in bits. I never felt so scared like that – why would I be scared?" Sirius posed to James, but his friend had no answer and it felt like everything was being unleashed now, that there was no hope of bottling up all that had been dug up now. "I just couldn't stop thinking about it and I was staring at her trying to just form any coherent thought."

Sirius remembered sitting across from her, trying to think of anything to say – it wasn't like he had never spoken to Emilia before in his life, but suddenly it felt like he had lost the ability to speak, his voice a corpse buried in the bottom of his chest. Everything he had planned suddenly was gone from his mind, leaving a blank space behind that echoed into silence that left Sirius panicking – actually panicking, like he had never been around a girl, let alone talked to one ever before in his life.

It had been excruciatingly awful and he had no idea what came over him, the only thought going through him being that he could not make his rapidly declining control over himself any more apparent that Emilia would notice.

"And then what happened?"

"Then I start thinking maybe if I open my mouth, whatever it is that's running through my mind will just be blurted out, that if I start talking that I'll find the words and it'll all make sense," Sirius sighed, digging his nails into his scalp, wincing at the memory, rather than the pain growing in his head. "And then Madam Puddifoot comes over, takes our order and she tells Emilia that it's not the first time I've brought a girl here. And you know what Emilia did?"

"What?" James asked, still trying to play catch up and understand where it was that Sirius was going with this.

"Nothing. In fact, the only thing I was completely sure of was that she was about to say that this time wasn't like all those other times I've brought a girl there," Sirius took in a deep breath, holding within him for a moment longer than necessary before it bled out past his lips, a resigned feeling washing over him as he turned to his friend. "James, she didn't even know it was a date."

Finally seeing where all of this was building up to, Sirius watched as James' face fell, crumbling instantly at the revelation and there it was – understanding, pity, sympathy. "Oh, bollocks."

Sirius rubbed his hand over his face, keeping it over his eyes as he squeezed them, recalling in exact detail when that moment of realisation had come over him; the disbelief, the initial shock, followed by a frustration that tempered a wallowing self pity that felt fit to drown him at any moment. He had felt so stupid, so idiotic and even embarrassed for himself when he realised they had lost each other somewhere in translation; he thought it had been obvious without having to explicitly say it, only to find out he had been wrong.

It had made his chest feel constricted as he pushed those emotions down, trying to be normal, trying to act natural, ignoring the cherubs and their reactions as they flittered over her shoulder, refusing to let himself get bogged down in the face of truth: he had made a fool of himself and Emilia didn't even know it.

Sirius pulled his hand from his face, wringing it together with the other one as he glowered at his lap, fingers knotted together as if they wanted nothing more than to delve within Sirius to untangle the heaped mess of his emotions. "She had no idea. She thought it was just – just some friendly lunch we were having together. She even said it wasn't any different to the other times we've had lunch together. Then I thought 'maybe she's just doing this to get me to say it outright' but no. She literally had no clue. And I didn't want to – to make her uncomfortable or embarrass her by telling her all about these stupid feelings I have."

There was a lapse as James digested this, unsure of how to comfort his friend. It was usually the other way around – Sirius trying to cheer James up after another failure with Lily, James pouting and trying to remain in that downcast mood while Sirius did his best to console him. The swap around in their positions felt foreign to both of them. "So you just… pretended it wasn't a date?"

"It wasn't even really a date, Prongs, because she had no idea that it was one so how could I say that it was?" Sirius grumbled, sounding all too sour as he recounted it to James. "I just sat there like an idiot and I couldn't believed that – that I had fooled myself like that."

James placed a hand on Sirius' knee, squeezing and desperately trying to get Sirius to look at him, reaching across that divide. "Padfoot, you didn't fool yourself into anything."

But he had – he had fooled himself and made a fool of himself in that same process. Had he thought she liked him back? Sirius wasn't sure – so many things had been running through his head, but he was sure that he had hoped maybe she would listen, hear him out, or maybe even give him a chance, yet now every scenario felt like an impossible fantasy for him to dream about, all of which made him feel guilty.

Shouldn't he just be happy that they were friends to begin with? That she put up with him and had finally agreed that, yes, they were actually friends? Even if he couldn't be happy, he should at least be content. Her friendship meant more to him than these feelings he cradled in the confines of his ribs, than his bruised ego and hurt. It was enough, he needed to be enough and satisfied with what he had because it felt wrong, a betrayal almost, to be anything but.

"I mean, I never even thought about the possibility that she doesn't even like me like that. All I thought about was me telling her about how I felt and asking her out, and nothing else," Sirius continued on, unable to stop now that he had started; part of him felt so relieved to finally tell someone, yet it also brought his nightmare to life: that it was real, that it was him alone that had to endure these growing pains of feelings that continued to flourish despite his best efforts to quash them down. "And then, then all I could think about was why I couldn't just be happy to be friends with her? I'm glad we are, but it was just in my head that being friends with her meant more to me than pushing her away by telling her how I feel."

James sat back, a thoughtful expression carved into his features as he huffed. "But, Sirius, how do you know she doesn't like you like that?"

"Because it's just as you said: anyone with working eyes could see that – could see how I feel, but… I don't know if she's being nice and ignoring it, or maybe she really doesn't know, but either way she only sees me as a friend. And I would never want to force how I feel onto her, because – because her friendship means more to me than my own feelings do."

It felt like the final nail in the coffin, a quiet declaration: Sirius would rather to endure this in silence than jeopardise his friendship with Emilia. Pity swarmed James' eyes at seeing his friend like this; it wasn't exactly the end of the world, but to Sirius, he found himself not minding if that was what occurred in the following minutes.

He hated this, fuck, he hated feeling like this, acting like this – it wasn't like him, any version of him. Sirius had liked people before, but had it always been this bad? He couldn't recall, maybe it was because he thought it was doomed regardless so kept himself at arms length away from any sort of vulnerability and now he could not do that, not unless he wanted to ruin everything and hurt Emilia and the notion of doing that made Sirius recoil. It wasn't her fault in any aspect, so how could he do that to her? How could he call himself a friend if he acted so selfishly?

James heaved a deep breath, face softening, his tone just as gentle. "So, what now?"

"Dunno. Wrestle my feelings into a tiny ball and hope that they die?" Sirius half joked but it was empty, deflated, weak and James did not laugh. Being this despaired never suited either of them. Sirius picked at the skin on his hands, a habit he picked up from Emilia. "What else can I do? I can't tell her because I don't want to lose her as a friend or have her think that the only reason I was her friend was because I liked her."

James scratched his head, an internal struggle going on within him that was leaking out onto the exterior, shifting back and forth on the stone they were perched on. Around them, the crowd thickened, other students gathering in the hall and making it clogged, but not a single person was paying attention to either them.

"Listen, mate," James began cautiously. "I'm no expert on girls and I don't claim to be, but I think she would honestly appreciate you telling her instead of just keeping it bottled up." It took a second before Sirius broke into a fit of laughter at the advice; what, was talking about his feelings supposed to magically cure everything? James didn't seem to appreciate the response met to his sincerity. "I'm serious, Padfoot."

"Didn't Evans only start being able to withstand you after you started bottling your feelings up and asking to be friends?"

"Tomato, tomahto," James shrugged with a wave of his hand before once more becoming serious. "But I'm glad that I was able to at least show her my feelings instead of keeping it all inside, even if she didn't return them in the end. I can live knowing that I never hid how I felt and that I was honest."

There was a kernel of truth in his friend's words, Sirius supposed. Bottling it up had caused him this much hurt, what more could it do to let it all out? He entertained it for a brief, fleeting second before it became nothing more than a passing fancy. He couldn't tell Emilia, he couldn't do that to her; they were friends, it meant just as much to her as it did to him. Would she be like the others, see him as some wretched man who only pursued her for his own selfish reasons? He valued her more as a person, more as a friend, than anything else, even himself.

It was probably dangerous thinking, that mindset, but Sirius didn't care all that much. The one lesson his parents ever taught to him was to never be selfish; granted, they had taught that to him in order to get him to comply as a good son and brother who put his family above all else, but it was still something that stuck with him.

There had been times Sirius had been selfish, ruthlessly and cruelly so, and his mother and father's words clung to inside of his skull like a dishrag filling his eardrums up and drowning out all other sounds. Would it not be selfish to ask Emilia to carry the burden of his feelings, feelings she never asked him to have?

"Yeah, well, as you said: tomato, tomahto," Sirius murmured, head against the glass with a dull thunk and James was looking at him strangely. "What?"

"Just that I've never seen you so worked up about a girl before."

"No need to gloat. It wouldn't be so internally tormenting if I wasn't terrified that these feelings are just fleeting fancies and that if I tell her that they'll end up disappearing and I'll have ruined a perfectly good friendship."

James snorted at Sirius being overdramatic, rolling his eyes. "Well, that's never going to happen."

"Do tell, Prongs."

James looked at him as if it should have been obvious. "Because you're scared about whether they're permanent or not."

Sirius blinked and confusion quickly flooded his face as he tried to understand his friend's reasoning. "You've lost me."

James sat himself upright, his hands moving about him as he spoke. "If these feelings were really nothing, you'd be able to treat them as such, but you don't. You're scared they'll ruin what you two have in one way or another. If they were just as temporary as you've said, they'd be gone by now."

Sirius face scrunched up; it did make sense, in a way, in a very unfortunate way and he felt his features fall in a mask of horror filled realisation. "So what you're saying is that I'm stuck with them?"

"Afraid so," James stated with a sympathetic smile.

Sirius sat there, stewing in silence before he groaned, slumping back as much as he could without falling off, burying his head into his hands and banging his head against the window, not caring if it shattered at any given moment due to his actions.

Stuck with them?

As in forever?

He would have to feel like this forever?

"Oh for fucks' sake. Fuck my life, fuck these stupid, fucking feelings and fuck - "

"What's got him worked up?" a voice broke through and Sirius didn't pause his self pity as he peaked through his fingers to see Remus standing beside them, hands in his pockets and looking a little worse for wear, purple bruises of brute exhaustion hanging beneath his eyes and his skin paler than usual, making his pink scars stand out even more.

James perked up, grinning. "You're out!"

"Poppy let me go about twenty minutes ago," Remus explained, shrugging which prompted a wince garnered by the action, no doubt his muscles still aching after last night's transformation. There was a new scar added to his already impressive collection, smaller than the others and hidden by the curve of his jaw. Last night had been particularly hard on Remus, as it had been on all of them, and he looked ready to keel over, despite the calm smile on his face.

"Meaning you ran away from her after she wouldn't stop coddling you like a baby," James guessed, making the curve of Remus' lips turn into something that bit more wicked.

"Precisely," he said with a wink before turning back to Sirius, who was back to hiding his face in his hands and bumping his skull against the window. "So what's got his knickers in a twist?"

"Emilia."

"Ah."

Sirius sat up in fury at this, at Remus' knowing eyes, his instant understanding of the situation; did everyone know? Had they been gossiping about him behind his back about how spineless he was that he couldn't even say three words to the girl he liked because he was a massive coward who buckled immediately at the slightest presence of pressure? "Fucking hell, did everyone know about this before me?"

An amused huff of air that might have been a laugh had he let it left Remus. "I do have two working eyes."

"Poor Sirius figured out that Emilia had no idea that their date was actually a date," James explained to Remus, catching the other boy up on everything since Sirius really did not want to have this conversation yet again. Around them, everyone was too preoccupied with gathering around the available windows and Sirius sat sulking, looking at the window, wondering what had captured everyone's attention.

Maybe the squid ate someone.

Maybe he could ask for it to eat him too.

"Figured as much," Remus commented and Sirius whipped around to him, narrowing his steel eyes.

"How?"

"You spent the entire evening moping about it afterwards," Remus stated casually.

"How did that draw you to that conclusion?" Sirius asked.

"She's the only one who can make you so moody."

Sirius frowned. "I'm not moody."

"Unless it's about her," James muttered under his breath, resulting in Sirius swivelling his glower to him instead but he didn't buckle under the stare one bit; perhaps it was because he knew he was telling the truth.

"So what's the revelation from this conversation?" Remus questioned, dodging a Second Year barrelling past him and Sirius groaned, turning his eyes up to the heaven's and wishing that a bolt of lightening would spit from the sky and turn him into a pile of ash.

"Morgana's knickers, are we really going to have a group heart to heart about my sad, pathetic feelings?"

"Yes, now shove over," Remus said and shooed Sirius to scoot up the ledge, all three of them piled onto the small space and pressed up next to one another, with Sirius right in the middle and unable to run away. He sat with his arms over his chest, all but pouting as he glared at the ground, feeling like they were all ganging up on him.

"Well," James began, clapping a hand onto Sirius' back and nearly pushing him off the ledge altogether. "Sirius here has decided to curl up into a little ball and cry his tiny heart out over the fact he thinks she doesn't like him and never will and is going to tuck his feelings away until they shrivel up and die or until the end of time and never tell her."

The corner of Sirius' lips turned downwards at James' recount of their conversation. "I didn't say I was going to cry my tiny heart out."

"So you're not going to tell her?" Remus asked and there was a hint of genuine surprise in his face, eyebrows darting up into his fringe, green eyes blinking.

"No, and I'm never going to just to spite the both of you," Sirius hissed to both of them, knowing that he was acting like a petulant child regarding the situation, but he didn't care; he could be as petty as he wanted to be. He more than deserved it.

Remus sighed, shaking his head. Sirius didn't see why they cared about whether or not Sirius ever told Emilia, it made no difference to them. But Remus was the opposite to Sirius; while the latter was controlled by erratic emotions, Remus always seemed more logical, critical, capable of thinking about these things and not be led astray by his feelings into absurdity and part of Sirius envied his friend for it. "Sirius, what harm can come from you simply telling her how you feel?"

"Uh, she'll never want to talk to me again because she'll think I was only being friends with her because I liked her?"

A bark of laughter left James, more than pleased to sit this one out as he and Remus took turns in trying to get Sirius to see sense, a feat impossible by nature. "No use trying to talk any sense into him, Moony."

"Sirius, all I can say is that it's only up you to decide what to do if you're really that scared. We can't decide for you."

"I'm not scared," Sirius defended weakly, but it felt like a lie. He knew that it was.

"Then don't tell her. If you want to, then do. If you don't, then don't. Simple as that," Remus said and, broken down like that, Sirius knew that his friends thought of him as being unreasonable with this whole thing. Remus had that ability to make anyone seem irrational. "Best case scenario she likes you back."

Sirius turned to his friend, interest piqued by this statement though still hesitant. "And worst case?"

Remus tutted, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "She doesn't."

Sirius felt his hopes be quashed, face crumbling as he dropped his gaze to his lap. It was getting loud in the hallway and more and more people were jostling past the three of them, making Sirius feel on the outskirts, trapped in his own little, pathetic world. "Ouch."

From the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Remus and James exchange a glance with one another and James cleared his throat, matching Remus' comforting touch on his free shoulder. "It's the truth, mate. But either way, you'll never get your answer by anguishing over it like this."

Sirius frowned. Putting it that way made Sirius feel even more pathetic and he hated it, he hated feeling this way, like he was a helpless child once more and his mother had locked him in the basement for misbehaving again. "I'm not anguishing."

"You definitely are."

"I would say it's turmoil rather than anguish."

"If I wanted a love story like this I would read Wuthering Heights because at this point it's turning out to be more stupidity than anguish," Remus piped up and James snorted.

"Sirius isn't handsome enough to be a male love interest in a book," he teased, always too eager to drop an insult towards Sirius and the latter couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his mouth. With his two friends briefly caught up in their own conversation, Sirius took notice of how the crowds in the hallway were piling up against the other windows, their voices a jumbled mess and making it impossible to hear what they were talking about, hooking Sirius' attention away from the matter at hand.

"I'm surprised you know that it's a book," Remus stated in sincere surprise, though Sirius wasn't sure how James managed to hear him over the murmur of the other students clogging up traffic.

James shrugged. "Hey, I know some books. Evans was reading it the other night."

"Of course that's how you know what it is."

"What's going on over there?" Sirius wondered aloud, brows tugging together as he stood up, both hands on his shoulder dropping as he started to make his way over to wear the largest grouping of other students congested the hallway, how they were pressed up against the glass and how others at the back were stretching their heads up to try and see whatever it was that was going on.

"Oh no, you're not walking away from our emotional talk right now," James called out, trying to make a grab for Sirius' arm but missed it entirely, grabbing nothing but air as Sirius moved away quickly. "Sirius, get your arse over here!"

"Too late, Prongs," Sirius hollered back over his shoulder as he got to the back of the crowd, pushing through and finding little resistance as anyone who turned around to snap at the person trying to force their way to the front instantly closed their mouth once more at seeing Sirius and stepped aside to make his passage easier.

"Hold on for just a moment!" Sirius heard James and he didn't need eyes on the back of his head to know that Remus and James were pursuing him, following suit as more and more people let Sirius cut through the thick vein of bodies; one last push allowed him to force his way up to the best seat in the house, eyes darting around to try and see what it was that had captured everyone's attention so fervently, the fog of the glass making it hard to see, even when he swiped his sleeve over the window to allow him a peak outside.

"What's happening?" he asked, turning to a Fifth Year Hufflepuff beside him, a small enough girl whose eyes widened when she realised it was her he was talking to, and she blinked several times as James and Remus pushed through to stand behind Sirius' shoulder; despite their earlier protests, they seemed quite eager to figure out what was going on just the same as everyone else.

"Commotion going on at the lake," the girl explained, placing an index finger on the window as if Sirius had no idea where the lake was and he followed to where she was pointing; sure enough, as he squinted his eyes, he could see disturbance in the water, as if someone had jumped straight in, not caring that the water would most definitely be freezing cold. "Someone's gone mad, apparently."

"Mad?" Sirius echoed as he nearly pressed his face up to the glass to get a better look, though it made no difference. He could see the other students outside gathering around the bank of the lake, watching with just as much curiosity and concentration as those inside the castle. Maybe it was some Seventh Year who couldn't take the pressure of the N.E.W.T.s and was looking for an excuse to get out of doing them.

Sirius couldn't blame them for breaking, or for trying to squirm their way out of taking the exams.

"Would have to be to try and swim in the middle of November," James said, shouldering past Sirius to take a small spot beside him and ignoring the squeaked protest of a small Second Year Gryffindor as he tried to see what was going on, fiddling with his glasses.

"They'll be lucky if the giant squid doesn't have a go at them," Remus commented, an underlying hint of concern in his voice. His height allowed him an easy view of everything occurring down at the lake, towering over all other students.

"Or the mermaids," James snorted as everyone watched with baited breath, the water's surface disturbed once more as whoever decided to go for a dip broke through. The window was fogged up again with everyone breathing on it and Sirius went to wipe it again but missed whoever it was as they dived back in.

What did it matter? He would probably find out who it was later, no doubt it would become the hot topic for gossip until Christmas; poor git, whoever it was. Sirius couldn't help but empathise since he hated how everyone always talked about him, both behind his back and when he was around.

Sirius turned to go, ready to leave when a voice called out to him, some Ravenclaw in the year below them. "Hey, Black, isn't that your girlfriend?"

Sirius froze at this, as if every muscle in his body tensed and for a moment, it felt like his heart dropped to his stomach before he swivelled back around, hands up against the window and staring down with wide eyes at the lake, eyes darting around and hoping, praying, that that Ravenclaw was wrong, that he merely meant Emilia was a spectator and not currently the object that held everyone's attention. Beside him, James and Remus stilled, as if breathing might wash the scene playing out before them away.

Sirius waited for a long, dread filled moment as he stared at the water, watching the surface ease, becoming calm in a way Sirius could never be, in a way that betrayed the situation. It couldn't be, Emilia would never be so stupid, she wouldn't –

Then, something broke through the water, stumbling and flailing about, hair a dark shadow on their face and Sirius nearly buckled when shaking hands pale from the ice cold water pushed the drenched strands away and revealed a frightened face, one he knew all too well.

Sirius watched in abject horror as Emilia turned around in the water, heaving deep, gulping and gasping breaths, her uniform clinging to her shivering body and she tripped in the water while trying to go out further into the deep end, spluttering out water that forced its way down her throat and Sirius felt as if he was in that water alongside her, as if his entire body was being slowly frozen alive and his lungs were being filled with murky lake water.

What the fuck was she doing? Why was she in the lake? And why was everyone standing around watching her? Why was he standing here watching her? He needed to get down there, to help her, to shake her out of her madness, but it felt like he was rooted to the ground, forced to stand there and witness her lapse in sanity as spun around, looking ghostly before once more diving beneath the surface.

"Shit, is that Emilia?" Remus gasped in disbelief.

"What the hell is she doing?" James hissed, as if what was happening before him was a trick on the eyes. "You leave her alone for two minutes and she's lost her mind."

Sirius' voice was gone on him, whisked away as he could only look out in distress and dismay as the water sloshed about from her flailing attempts, breaking through to gasp for air and coughing up more and more water with each time before diving back down; everyone was murmuring to one another, words of someone should go get her yet not a single person broke away from the crowd to do so. Not even Sirius.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was screaming at himself to do something, to help her, to stop being so fucking useless and get down there before she –

He remembered the walk to Hogsmeade, the snow making it slippery and he tried not to fall on his arse and embarrass himself in front of her as Emilia clung to him, concentrating on each step so that she couldn't see he was watching snowflakes pile up on her head, clinging to the strands of her hair like diamonds, glittering in the pale light of the morning; he recalled as she pulled in close to him, fearing she could hear his heart hammering in his chest as she frowned, eyes sharp and accusing him of bullying her. He had played along and the downward turn of her lips deepened.

I can't even swim, she had told him and he had responded in sarcasm, not thinking about it.

But now it rushed through Sirius, seizing him completely and squeezing his heart until it fit to burst as his hands dropped from the window, falling limply by his side.

"She can't swim." It was a whisper, fragile and broken and he felt his two friends turn to look at him.

"What?" Remus asked.

"She can't fucking swim," Sirius repeated with more urgency before he turned on the spot and forcefully pushed his way back through the crowd, not caring if he knocked anyone onto the ground as he shouldered through to make an escape, cutting past everyone until he broke out through the remaining dregs of students and his feet picked up speed, matching the beat of his heart until he realised he was running, bursting through the hallways and down the stairs, each footfall like a crack of thunder on the stone.

Behind him, he could hear Remus and James running to catch up, like a fire had been lit beneath them.

"What's got into her mind? It's fucking baltic outside!" James wheezed through laboured breaths as they turned a corner, dodging unaware students with ease; no one thought anything of it from the many times he and the others had been seen running through the castle, often to escape the wrath of Filch or some other member of staff.

Whatever the case, people paused to watch the three boys as they bolted past, hesitant to continue walking in the same direction they were running from, afraid they might get caught up in some nefarious prank.

It was freezing when they broke into the outside world, the grass was still slick with dew that nearly slipped Remus up before he caught himself, curses leaving James as he struggled to keep in pace with the other two; Sirius didn't bother to check if they had bothered to keep up as he made his way to the lake, instantly spotting the huddle specks of black robes that gathered around the bank, growing larger as he approached, pushing them aside and not caring for the shouts of protests as he did so.

All of them stood watching, witnessing, spectating and not one of them decided to help; damn them, damn them all, himself included. He had been no better either.

He pulled to a stop at the edge of the water, catching sight of bubbles rising to the surface as James and Remus came up beside him, the former almost green in the face as Remus stood hunched over, hands on his knees as he tried to even out his breathing but Sirius could not take that luxury.

Without a moments hesitation, he shirked his outer robe off onto the grass, baring himself even more to the elements and his friends were too distracted to stop Sirius until it was too late.

The first step into the water wasn't the worst; neither was the second, nor the third. When it came up to his knees, sloshing about and rising up further, eagerly taking in the rest of him, that's when the coldness hit him, just how freezing it was, how it chilled his muscles completely and made them feel like blocks of ice. Behind him, he could hear James and Remus calling to him, telling him to come back.

"Sirius, what the hell are you - ?" Remus shouted but Sirius could barely hear him.

Sirius half turned over his shoulder, waving them away as they stared on in utter disbelief. "Don't wait up!"

By the time the water came to his waist, Sirius' teeth were chattering and he nearly slipped on the slimy bedrock beneath him, small waves from his movement lapping at his jumper that was now soaked and his pants were clinging to him, feeling weak and his body was screaming at him to get out, to stop going in further but he couldn't, he couldn't leave, not when he was this far, not when she needed his help.

He was in arms length of the other disturbance in the water, ready to reach down and pull her out before Emilia did so herself, a terrible scraping intake of breath leaving her as she coughed up water, hair clinging to her face, spluttering out gulps of water in terrible retching sounds as her arms moved about with no real rhythm, trying to keep herself afloat but not sure how to.

Sirius' hand snapped forward, taking a hold of her and a startled shout left Emilia as she tried to blink the murky water from her eyes, unable to do anything but comply as Sirius dragged her closer to him, grip like a vice as he took her other arm in his hand, steadying her trembling body.

She continued to wheeze and cough, retching while bending her head to push her hair from her face and rub the water from her eyes, vision coming into focus but she was completely out of sorts, lips blue and teeth chattering, skin turning a deathly grey colour that made her seem translucent, eyes that didn't really look at Sirius, but rather through him, as if she couldn't actually see him, or maybe it was disbelief that he was there, that he was holding onto her.

Getting over his initial shock, something akin to anger took a hold of Sirius; he wasn't sure why he was angry. Maybe it was because everyone had been standing around watching her nearly drown, maybe it was anger at himself for being one of those willing spectators, or maybe, just maybe, it was at her; maybe he was angry at Emilia for suddenly losing all reason and sanity, for jumping into Artic temperature water without any concern for herself, with no care at all for her health.

He had never been angry at her before, not like this, but he was – it took a lot to admit it. He was angry at her. He was angry she wasn't even trying to talk to him, he was angry that she was wriggling about to get free of him, he was angry that she didn't care that she looked close to collapsing. Sirius seethed, gritting his teeth as he yanked her to face him, ceasing her struggling for a second to get her to just look at him, to tell him what was wrong.

"Emilia!" Sirius yelled, trying to shake her back into reality but she made no indication that she heard him and his angry was stoked as he realised she was trying to slip out of his grip, struggling to break free and turn back into the water and his fingers tightened around her with a bruising force. Did she not care she looked close to death? That she probably had hypothermia? Did she not even care that he was scared shitless and had no idea what was going on with her, which frightened him beyond belief? How it made him feel completely useless? "Emilia, what the fuck are you doing?! You're going to catch your death! Are you fucking mental?!"

He had never yelled at her like that, he had never yelled at her full stop and the shame was instant, burning hot through him and turning his anger and fury to ashes as he tried to reign it in; he couldn't help it, he couldn't help losing control even if only for a second because he didn't understand, and because of that, it scared Sirius in a way he had never experienced before. He was scared that maybe they were right – maybe she had gone crazy, maybe she had slipped away and her eyes weren't really seeing him, as if he wasn't real.

Sirius wasn't sure if the tremor in his body was because of the cold, or the fear or from trying to reign in how mad he was, taking deep breaths in order to calm himself, easing the strength of his grip on her and the air leaving him was shaky, uneven before he bent slightly so that they were eye to eye, rather than towering over her, intimidating. Ragged gasps continued to be the only sound she made as she continued to look across the water, craning her neck in order to continue her search.

What for?

Sirius had no idea.

"Emilia. Emilia, look at me," he demanded softly, twisting her body so that she had no choice but to meet his eyes and he noticed how wide and frightened they were, water dripping down into them, clinging to her lashes, drained and set in an equally empty face. He reached up to push her hair out of her face, feeling how cold the skin was beneath his. It was like touching ice rather than a living, breathing human being. Then, Emilia blinked and settled in on the sight of Sirius' worried face, as if she had not noticed him before, confusion flashing life into her irises. He wasn't sure if it was tears or the lake that made her eyes glisten. "Look at me, Emilia. Talk to me."

It was like her mind was thawing out as he watched her focus on him, eyes darting around his face and her writhing struggling ceased entirely; her breath fogged in the freezing cold air, gathering small clouds that wilting away into nothing, shallow things that reminded him of the time when Regulus was only a baby and was so sick the doctor had said he would not make it through the night. Sirius had spent all night awake listening to his baby brother's breathing, afraid it might stop at any given second. It had been such a fragile sound, one he had never wanted to hear ever again.

But now it felt like he was that young again, that helpless again as Emilia breathing became fragile and relentlessly quick, her skin refusing to grow warm under his touch, her bottom lip now quivering for some other reason besides the cold. He didn't care that people might be watching them, he didn't care about them at all.

Then, her mouth parted and a sound so delicate left her, Sirius didn't even realise it was his name. "Sirius?"

Her voice cracked, as if shattering Emilia to her core and he nodded in desperation, relieved to have broken through whatever stupor she had lost herself in. "It's me, Emilia. I'm here. What happened? Why are you out here?"

It seemed the wrong choice of words as a frenzy overtook Emilia's body, once again reverting back to twisting and turning in Sirius' hold on her, but it did not, could not, break as the water sloshed around them, making them even more impossibly drenched than before. Her eyes were wild and wet, and this time he knew it wasn't from the lake. "Sirius, the book – I don't know where it is – it's gone in and I can't find it and I don't know – "

She was frantic as she spoke, distressed and fraught with worry and he tried to be as gentle as he could as he forced Emilia to return her attention on him again, voice softer than he had ever heard it. "Hey, hey, it's only me, okay? Calm down, deep breaths, you need to breathe."

He began taking deep breaths, maintaining eye contact and at first Sirius thought she would refuse to participate before the rise and fall of her chest began to match his, gulps of air tripping and stuttering in her throat but she forced herself to mimic Sirius, despite the fact he could how she really did not want to.

Sirius had never felt so helpless, trying his best to remain afloat and treading cautiously; he had never seen her like this – except…

Halloween floated to the front of his mind, a terrible memory that stained his enjoyment that had occurred prior to what he had witnessed when he found her huddled on the ground in that closet. He had been so powerless, running around trying to find her and trying to remain calm, to think like Remus and remain rational. Seeing her like that had terrified Sirius – terrified because he didn't know what to do, how to help, what he could say to just get her to talk to him so that he could comfort her.

Sirius tried not to think about that night too often. She had, after all, asked him to drop it and he did his best to wipe it from his memory.

But now, it was all he could think about as Emilia's breathing steadied and the droplets rushing down her cheeks ran along the curve of her jaw, and he kept trying to brush them away all the while pushing wet, clinging strands of her hair back from her face.

He could hear the boom of the bell echo around them, signalling that it was time for class, but Sirius couldn't care about anything less than being on time for class at that moment. She grasped at the air, trying to fill her burning lungs and once he was sure that she was more collected compared to before, he spoke.

"Emilia, it's okay. I'm here, alright?" he soothed, keeping his position of being bent down slightly so that they were at the same height. She sniffled, brows brought tight together, pressing her lips into one as if she was trying to stop the whimpering sounds caught in her chest slipping out of her mouth. Sirius had never felt so pathetic in his life, wishing he could just read her mind to know what was going on with her, how he could help. Sirius didn't want to keep ruining everything he touched, he didn't always want to be a bringer of destruction. "Just, just talk to me. Tell me what happened."

He was pleading now, begging her and finally, Emilia could no longer hold in the sob buried deep within her, an ancient sounding thing, as if it had been locked away for so long and his thumbs brushed over either sides of her cheeks, running long the space beneath her eyes, over her cheekbones; there were dark, red veins caught in the whites of her eyes, either from irritation or because she had been crying for so long.

Sirius had to wait patiently as she tried to find her voice to speak, hiccupping, caught between crying and trying to explain to him what the problem was, stumbling over her words. "The book – my book. She threw it in and I can't find it and it could be gone or – or lost forever."

It took him a moment to fully comprehend what she was trying to say; on some level, Sirius knew he should have tried to push for something more coherent but with the state she was in, he couldn't, not right now, not this moment. But he still mulled over this revelation – the book, he knew the one she was talking about, but this she Emilia referred to, that's where Sirius was at a loss.

But what he understood washed over him, as harsh as the water they were stuck in: someone had thrown the book in, and someone was the reason behind why Emilia was so utterly broken down as she was.

Who this person was, Sirius didn't know, but he would find out. Yet, right now, he had to attend to something more important.

"It's fine," he promised, trying to hush her. "We'll Accio it out and – "

"No!" Emilia all but screeched, eyes blown out with fright as she gripped at his wrists, fingers icy and sending droplets rolling down the cuffs of his sleeves and Sirius' mouth clamped shut immediately at such a reaction. "No, you can't! It could be caught on something and it'll be torn up and I could lose pages and I won't be able to fix it! I need to find it or else – or else – "

Whatever she was going to say was lost as she dissolved, falling apart into cries and sobs, nearly falling into him until he managed to catch her, steadying Emilia and cupping her face, cradling it.

"Hey, listen to me, alright? I'll help you, okay? I'll help you find it. No magic. Does that sound okay to you?" he asked, trying to be as careful with his words and as slow as he possibly could, watching as she took in his promise, before she nodded her head in understanding. "Now, where do you think it landed?"

Emilia sniffled again, reaching up to wipe the tears streaking down her face but it was counterproductive, water that clung to the material of her uniform pouring out from the strands in a steady stream as she used the other one to point to a spot just behind her to her left. "O – over there, I saw it hit the water. It's too far out for me."

Sirius surveyed the spot she was gesturing to, at the gentle movement of the water that didn't bring Sirius any sense of comfort as he watched it. He knew magic would have made this whole thing easier, but the suggestion had made Emilia too, for lack of a better word, hysterical, and he didn't want to make her any more worried. Whatever her reasoning behind her refusal to use magic, Sirius didn't attempt to try and understand – he could only comply.

Nodding, Sirius turned back to Emilia. "Alright, I'll go have a look, but you need to get out of the water in the mean time."

Emilia shook her head furiously. "No, I need to – "

Stubborn as ever, rang in Sirius' mind and normally he would bend so easily to anything she asked of him but not this time. "Emilia, love, you can't swim. You won't be able to get that far."

And if Sirius had to choose between her and her precious book, he would rather her hating him for the rest of her life for making a decision.

"But I – "

"No buts," Sirius said, putting his foot down with a sharp cut in his voice and Emilia clamped her mouth, dropping her eyes. He felt bad, but he couldn't help it – she needed to see reason, he couldn't let her have her way when it could very well harm her at best, or kill her at worst. She appeared resigned, seemingly grasping the seriousness of the situation and that he would not change his mind on this decision as she nodded and Sirius was relieved. He didn't want to fight with her about this, not at this moment. "Listen to me, Emilia, just stay right here. I'll find it for you, okay love?"

With another limp movement of her head that he took as confirmation, Sirius lingered for a second, half afraid that if he let her go that she might spin around and throw herself back into the water but as he reluctantly relinquished his grip on her, Emilia remained as she was, rooted to the ground.

Sirius nearly slipped as he moved further out into the freezing cold temperate of the lake, his body feeling more on fire than it should be, the water creeping higher and higher until he was completely beneath it, taking a gulp of air and caught beneath the surface, a roaring in his ears as he slowly peaked his eyes open, ignoring how they burned as badly as his muscles.

It was dark and hard to fathom where he was, not even sure if he was in the right spot as he pushed his arms forward, kicking his legs and reaching out until his fingers graced the bottom the lake, feeling how it slanted ever so slightly downwards. He pawed around, trying not to lose precious moments of air by reeling at feeling slimy weeds and scaley rocks; the last thing he needed was to be seen by the squid, or any of the mermaids. He really didn't fancy being someone's breakfast for the day.

With his wand back in his robes on dry land, he couldn't even use it to illuminate his way around the darkness, working blind and each passing second, a dull burn growing in his lungs as he spun around, trying to feel for anything that decidedly did not belong to these depths.

Every part of his body hurt in ways that he had never felt it, not even after training for quidditch, or getting knocked off his brooms from great heights, or when his mother would use him as a means to take her anger out on. It was a burrowing agony in his body from forcing it into elements that it could not withstand, the pain all over him that only worsened when he realised that this is what Emilia had subjected herself to each time she delved beneath the surface time and time again with reckless abandon.

Whereas he couldn't wait to get out, she had done it over and over of her own free will.

It was the only thought that spurred him on because Sirius knew he couldn't live with himself if he let her down now.

When his lungs began to feel on fire and just as he was about to break to the surface to try again, his fingers brushed over something foreign, something that was neither slimy nor sharp and he forced his eyes to focus, to use the light that managed to filter down from the surface in order to see if he had found his treasure. Sure enough, caught in a tangle of weeds and other flora, was a book – her book, wound up and knotted around long stretches of green.

Perhaps she had been right after all – the entire thing would have been ripped to shreds if he had Accio'd it out.

Sirius ignored the pain in his chest as he untangled the book from the grips of the lake, carefully trying to do as minimal damage as he possibly could until he finally managed to snag it free. Once it was in his hand, Sirius' feet found the bottom of the lake and pushed himself upwards, propelling to the surface where his head broke free and he took his first gulp of air, one that felt like the first in so long.

It eased the ache pooling in his lungs, kneading it out of them as he held the book high above the surface of the water, hair clinging to his face, to his eyelids and the back of his neck as he waved his hand, blinking the blurriness out of his eyes, spewing the water trapped in his mouth out as he called out to her, grinning all the while. He hadn't let her down, not today, not ever.

"I got it!" he shouted, treading water carefully as he made his way back, trying to find his foot and using his other hand to rub his face, slicking his hair back so it couldn't obscure his vision, watching Emilia nearly sag with relief as her hands clamped over her mouth, perhaps to catch an exclaim, or to stop herself from crying, Sirius wasn't sure.

His feet brushed ground as he moved in further and the air attacked his body, teeth hurting from how they chattered as the water gushed from his clothes, spilling all around him. Once he was close enough, Emilia waded through the water, it being much deeper to her compared to him as he stood taller. He rushed to meet her, to prevent her from being consumed by the chill of it entirely, movements hindered slightly as the water sloshed around him and Sirius managed to leap forward in time to catch Emilia as she stumbled, nearly barrelling into him entirely.

"I got you, steady does it," he said, keeping one hand on her and the other firmly on what he had recovered, pulling Emilia to her feet, and making sure she was stable.

Despite the relief apparent on her paled features, she seemed ghostly, like at any given moment she might collapse and from the colour she was turning, or lack thereof, Sirius was worried that was exactly what might happen.

"Is it alright?" she asked, voice wavering.

He held it out to her, the book sopping wet but otherwise all intact. The ink seemed to bleed ever so slightly, but nothing a small spell could fix. Emilia seemed scared to take it in her hands, her trembling fingers hovering over it as if she couldn't believe it was real. "Little wet, but no tears, see?"

Slowly, she took a hold of the spine and he let it slip out of his hands and into hers, watching the way her face lit up, a newfound gleam in her eyes but this time he knew that it was not borne from sadness or desperation as Emilia turned her gaze up to Sirius, looking as if he had handed her the entire universe and all its stars. He would definitely try to make an effort to give her that and more, but this would be enough for now. "Thank you. Thank you, Sirius, thank you."

Sirius wanted to hold her, to hug her and let her know that it was alright, he was here, and that there was no need to thank him; for her, Sirius would do a lot more than dive into a lake in the middle of Winter to grab a book for her.

But he couldn't, not now, not when he could see the way she shivered, how her lips had taken on a purple-blue hue from being in the water for so long, how she sniffled and her teeth rattled, skin almost grey from the lack of warmth. She would be lucky if she walked away from this with only a head cold; there was only so much that Madam Pomfrey could do to ease a person's plight to make it bearable or cease it entirely.

Sirius wondered if he would have to carry her out of the water entirely as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and steered her back towards the bank, trying to be both as quick as he could while making sure he didn't drag her or cause her legs to give out from beneath her.

Pulled up to his side, he could feel just how badly Emilia was quivering as she held steadfast to the book, keeping it up against her chest as she miraculously managed to keep pace with Sirius. "Come on, you're shaking. We need to get you out of the water otherwise you're going to have to explain all this to Madam Pomfrey."

The grounds were completely void of any one else; they must have decided lingering around to watch the two of them flail about in the water was not worth getting in trouble for not going to class on time, though Sirius didn't believe that even Hogwarts would have enough room to put the entire student body into detention.

Still, he was glad for the lack of an audience as they waded out of the water, one arm around Emilia and the other reaching across him to take a grip on her bicep, lest she end up keeling over after all once they were out of the water.

His robe was a heap on the ground as they were out of the lake completely, and he continued to guide Emilia onwards until he was in reach of his robes, bending down to grab it and not wasting a moment to throw it over her shoulders, all but prying one hand at a time off of her book to slip it through the sleeves that tumbled past her fingertips.

Any other time, he might have laughed at how ridiculous she looked in it, but Sirius didn't feel like laughing, not at this moment.

He was worried she had been reduced to a catatonic state, making no protests as she let him pull his robe tight around her, knowing that it probably did little to ease the chill in her bones, but it was all her could do for now.

"We need to get you warm, you're nearly turning blue," he said, not liking that her face had not regained any colour at all since leaving the water.

She shook her head, showing that she was in fact responsive. "I'll be okay."

Sirius didn't believe her. It seemed she didn't believer herself either. But he didn't want to fight her on this, not now, and instead took to pulling her back into his side, wrapping his arms around her once more. "Come on, let's go inside."

Emilia followed quietly, compliant and her silence worried Sirius more than it should have; he was used to her not talking, ruminating on whatever was going on in that head of hers, but it felt different this time, as if she was struggling to get words that refused to come out. He wasn't sure if he should break the lapse, if he should push for an answer that might cause her to break down into tears once more; he knew that he should let her take her time, but the stretch was making him anxious and on edge, wondering if he'll finally be given an explanation or be pushed away once more.

Sirius didn't want to be pushed away, he wanted her to trust him but if earning that trust meant doing it on her own time, he would have to endure it, however long it would take.

They entered the empty hall, and he wasn't sure where he was bringing her; to the infirmary or the Tower, or maybe even to McGonagall to explain why they weren't in class and it wasn't their fault and there was a perfectly good reason why they were sopping wet and dripping all over the castle. He couldn't make up his mind, and he was at a loss.

Sirius hated not knowing what to do, not knowing how he could ease her or how he could help. He wanted to be better at this, wanted to be better for –

"Sirius."

Her voice echoed around them, breaking Sirius from his thoughts and he looked down at her, though could not see her face as he had her head bowed. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry." Was all that left her as they continued trudging through the castle in their dripping clothes and Sirius frowned; what on earth was she apologising for? It wasn't as if she asked him to get into that freezing cold lake, she didn't ask him to look for the book or to try and help her. And perhaps that's what stung Sirius most – the fact she didn't ask him or turn to him when she needed him most.

"There's nothing to be – " he began but his words lilted off when his arm slipped off from around her shoulders as she stopped walking along side him, lingering back and keeping her head down low so that he couldn't see what was going on with her at that moment, but he could hear her sniffle, a small whimper leaving her as she reached up to clasp a paled hand over her mouth to stop the sounds from escaping and concern spiked within Sirius once more. "Emilia? What's happened?"

He knew Emilia was crying from the stifled sobs and the quake of her shoulders from something other than the cold, and then by the wetness in her eyes as she raised her face to look at him – to actually look at him, not through him. He couldn't pinpoint which emotion was wreaking havoc on her features, a flurry of them fluttering across her – despair, resignation, regret, hurt. Nothing good, nothing that bode well.

"I'm so sorry," she trembled, hiccupping and trying to smudge the tears that trailed down her cheeks and he was frozen watching her, rooted to the ground in shock. "I shouldn't have kept it from you and I thought that that would be the end of it, but it wasn't and now this has happened and – it's all so fucked up."

He continued to stare in disbelief and Sirius realised exactly what had been keeping Emilia quiet during their trek – whatever it was that she been hiding from him, it seemed she had made a decision, one that had been prompted by what had happened earlier. "Emilia, what's happened? What have you been keeping from me?"

Sirius tried to remain level and calm, to not let his temper rise at the prospect he had been right earlier in believing that it was true that someone had done this to her, had done to her what they did at Halloween and he had been so ignorant of it all this time. Emilia ran the back of her hand beneath her nose and blinked furiously as if to push the tears away but it only made them fall quicker. "I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong, I couldn't. I can't. It's all my fault, I don't know why didn't tell you from the start."

Sirius started forward and this great, echoing crack split in his chest at seeing her like this – so helpless, so broken and worn down that it took a breaking point to make her finally tell him what she had been keeping a secret.

His arms were around her in an instant, and the nature of the hug was ruined by the fact they were both frozen and their clothes had brought half the water from the lake in with them, but he wound himself as tightly as he could around Emilia regardless; one of her own snaked around his waist, clutching at his back and she buried her face into him and it was all too reminiscent of that night from nearly a month ago. The only thing warm about her was her breath pooling on his chest, seeping through the material of his uniform as he cradled her, not entirely sure if the hug was meant for her, or for him.

It was the first time they had hugged like this since that dreadful night in October, and despite the circumstances, Sirius still relished in the feel of it, in the feel of her and holding her, having her cling to him just as desperately as he was to her. He felt her trembling worsen and he reluctantly pulled back slightly, bridging some distance between them to look down at her, meeting her at eye level.

"No, hey, it's not your fault. Don't ever think that it could be. You can tell me anything, you know that? I would never judge you for it," he said, determined to get to the root of this, of what was really going on with her, to let her know that there was nothing she could say that would push him away. "I want you to trust me, okay? I never want you to feel as if you can't tell me anything."

"I should have told you at Halloween but…" Emilia faltered, breath hitching in her throat and he couldn't help it when his hand made its way to her cheek, how she filled the emptiness of his palm so perfectly. She was hoarse, voice threadbare and fraying at the edges as she spoke. "But I was scared and I didn't know what to do because I could never tell anyone before and now that you're here… I just didn't know what to say."

"At Halloween? You mean…" Sirius trailed off, a lump of lead slipping down his throat and smothering his voice where it rested heavily like a burden in his chest and ice formed in his veins, clogging them and he was back in the lake again, caught beneath the surface and unable to breathe as he finally understood; it was no longer a sneaking suspicion, a worry prompted by vagueness and it was a sticky feeling that stuck to every thought within Sirius. He stared at her, soundless, jaw clenched and he didn't want to get the words out because fact of the matter was, if it was true, if what she was implying was true, then… oh, Sirius would never forgive himself for not seeing it sooner. "Emilia, has someone been harassing you?"

Part of him hoped that she would deny it, that she would shoot it down as she had at Halloween, but Emilia ducked her head and the hand clutching the clothes on his back tightened and it was all the confirmation Sirius needed.

Emilia squeezed her eyes shut as if she couldn't bare to see whatever look had flickered across Sirius' features. "I should've known better."

His stomach plummeted, as if he had been pushed from the top of the Astronomy Tower. Someone, some lowly, scummy, vile, sad excuse for a human being had been doing this to Emilia, all without him knowing, all under his nose. And he had enabled it – enabled whatever it was she had been forced to endure because he promised Emilia to look the other way until she was ready to talk about it but – but he should have pushed, he should have persisted, asked her, made her tell him –

He could hear the cruel hauntings of his mother's voice in his ear, calling him every bit his mother's son as he felt the rise of fury within him; anger towards whoever this person that had been hurting Emilia was, anger that they had subjected her to this torment and to suffer alone, made her feel as if she couldn't tell him, made her feel as if no one would listen. His mind felt oddly blank, a strange calmness pouring over Sirius as his jaw clenched, trying to keep himself together; losing control of his temper would do Emilia no good, not now, not in the state she was in.

A shaky breath entered him, trying to tame the flames that raged hot inside of Sirius; swallowing thicky, Sirius forced himself into the present, the here and now and reminded himself that as of this moment, what Emilia was him, not retribution, not promises of vengeance and revenge.

That would come later.

"Emilia, look at me," he demanded gently, her eyes flickering to him once more. "Has someone been hurting you?"

Her lips were pressed tightly together, and she didn't seem able to get a single word out.

So, slowly, her head dipped down before rising again.

A nod.

Confirmation.

A sealing of someone's fate.

"I should have known better not to antagonise her," she whispered, and she sounded terrified, more terrified than he had ever heard her and it broke Sirius to know that someone had reduced her to this.

He filed the information away for later and shook his head at her insistence, at how she somehow believed it was still her fault for what happened, for what was done to her and what had been happening to her for… fuck, how long had this been going on for? He wanted to know, to ask her everything right there and then but he needed to control himself.

"Listen, you're wet and freezing," he said, moving his hands to her arms and feeling how his robe was already soaking up the water that was drenching their uniform. "We can talk about this once we get you into dry clothes and after a cup of tea to warm you up, okay? Then you can tell me –"

"Oi! You two!"

The shout sounded out cracked through the halls and Emilia and Sirius turned to see the sour face of the caretaker, a face that was taking in the sight of the trail of water that they had left behind and a face that was steadily becoming a shade of burgundy.

Sirius sighed, dropping his head. "Shit."

Just their luck.

---

(very unedited and unreviewed chapter so if u see any typos or mistakes, pretend to not see them until i come back to fix them at a later date xx)

so imma keep it real witchu guys i've not been having a hot girl summer and really never intended to disappear for over four months.

not to give a long winded explanation that no one wants to hear it can be summarised as: finished uni. went travelling for a few weeks. found out i passed all my courses. had a mental breakdown. didn't leave the house for over a month except for work. couldn't leave bed for days at a time. realised i was an adult in the real world now. kept being close to breakdowns whenever anyone kept asking me "oh but what are you going to do now that ur finished uni" as if i dont work two jobs for five days of the week to support myself.

it was not v good. i was suffering from so much burnout after writing three thesis' and working so much that i lost the passion for writing, which is first and foremost my true love but also a sort of therapy u kno? whenever i write, it's often a way to sort out my own emotions and i didn't want to write when i was in the worst mental state i could possibly be and like just decide to kill everyone off and be done w it.

damn ik i said i no long winded explanation so whoops

anyways dyou know what fuck this no more being down lets get this show on the road right lets crank the romance up everyone

thanks for being patient and if u guys are still here ily i appreciate u and i hope this monster of a chapter makes up for disappearing xx

also this fic is officially one year old wow !

song of choice while writing: mary on a cross by ghost

Thanks for reading!