[The next morning, Peter and Lois - the former's black eye slowly healing back to normal - drive back from the Quahog Acres retirement home, with a pamphlet from the home in hand]
Lois: I can't believe you finally are standing up for yourself against them, Peter!
Peter: I know, I'm excited as you are!
[Peter's angel comes up to Peter's right]
Angel Peter: Peter, you know this is wrong! This isn't like you-
[Angel Peter's cut off by Peter clapping him with his hands, poofing him away]
Peter: The only thing I worry about is how Mom and Dad are going to take this.
Lois: Just remember Peter, be strong against them if they fight back.
[As Peter and Lois walk back inside the house with the pamphlet, they notice Francis, Thelma, Stewie, Chris, Meg and Brian watching television the same way they do, watching some romance movie. With the lovers Jack and Rose sitting on the deck of the ship]
Jack: Rose, I know we've only known each other for a few days, but I feel like I've known you my whole life.
Rose: Me too, Jack.
Meg: I gotta say Grandpa, you really know how to pick a good movie.
Chris: What great movie is this?
[Suddenly, a loud crash sound and screaming is heard. Francis, Thelma and Stewie just laugh at the misery while Chris and Meg immediately frozen in shock]
Francis: The movie was Titanic!
Stewie: Best movie ending, ever!
Brian: [sarcastic] Wow, if watching people get killed is so fun to you, I can't possible imagine all the joy you have seeing someone get killed in front of you.
Peter: Hey guys. Having fun?
Thelma: Hell, yeah. Your father just traumatized your kids by intentionally showing them the movie Titanic without telling them it was the move! Look at their scared little faces.
[Stewie is shown taking pictures of the traumatized Chris and Meg for his personal keeping, which Brian looks at him in disgust]
Brian: You're a monster.
Stewie: Thank you, Mutt.
Peter: [sarcastic] Heh, heh, story of my life. [normal] Look, when you've got a minute, I want you to take a look at this. It's a place I want to take you when my two weeks are up.
[Thelma grabs the pamphlet]
Thelma: Sure, Petey. [sees front cover: it reads "Quahog Acres"] Uh, Peter, this is a pamphlet for a retirement home.
Peter: Yeah. I want to see if your interest in moving into a retirement home. Look in the pamphlet to see the place for yourselves, okay?
[Lois signals Meg and Chris to come with them to avoid the blow up and the four slowly walk out]
Stewie: WHAT? A retirement home?!
Francis: That boy's way of dealing with us is to throw us in a retirement home?! That's going WAY too far! [growls while straining himself to lift the table, but due to his fegal age, he fails] Come on, Thelms, help me flip the table!
Thelma: Fran Fran, relax. Petey seems to have good intentions with this.
Stewie: Thelma, I love you hun, but going to those places is like watching a failed comedian. And I should know. I went to a comedy club that had one.
Cutaway #7
[Cut to a shot of a dingy comedy club, where a comedian is on stage, sweating profusely and telling terrible jokes. The audience is silent, except for the occasional cough or throat clear]
Comedian: So, what's the deal with airline food, huh? Am I right?
[Crickets chirp]
Comedian: Tough crowd. Tough crowd. How about this one: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get run over in traffic! Ha! Ha!
[Silence as the comedian sighs and puts the mic back on the stand]
Comedian: I knew I should have listened to Mom about not doing comedy.
[He walks backstage, and a gunshot sound is heard and a plop sound. With this causing the audience to laugh hard]
End
Thelma: Come on, boys. Think about the positives. It's not too far away so Stewie can still see us, and a retirement home can be tons of fun for us, Frany. [Looks in the pamphlet] I mean, they got a pool, a billiard table, a place where we they show movies and shows on a big screen TV, and they even give us our own room for free. And there's such few rules to the facil-
[Thelma stops her speaking when she finds a rule]
Francis: What?
[Francis and Stewie peak on the pamphlet and see the rule, no smoking, in the rules]
Stewie: "No smoking", Aw that's going to be a mark.
[Cut to the kitchen where the rest of the family are semi doing their regular things and semi-listening in]
Chris: Dad, I don't hear them anymore.
[Francis smashes his fist into the kitchen table, causing the four to jump]
Francis: Where the hell do you get off for putting us in a retirement home?
Peter: Okay, I know you two are little mad about this surprise, but...
Thelma: A little mad? More like betrayed! And by our one and only son.
Francis: I wish Karen were here. She wouldn't never let your ungrateful ass put us in a retirement home.
Peter: That's too damn bad! She's not here and she's miles from my home! If you wanted her to be here so badly, maybe you two should have gone to her instead!
Francis: Well, we were going to, but...
Thelma: Didn't really think through...
Peter: Point is, you went to me, not her. And regardless of the past, you're under my roof and my rules. And my rules say, you two are going to a retirement home with some close supervision.
Stewie: Elder supervision? Ugh, if me being under supervision for being a baby, I can't imagine how embarrassing it is for elders to have it.
Thelma: We don't need supervision! For your information, me and Fran Fran can get by on our owns.
Peter: Mom, there's two things that disqualify your points. One, you two came to me after you lost your house in Vegas. And two, [slaps his hand for every word] YOU TWO ARE IN YOUR EIGITIES! Besides, that retirement home is the best in Quahog and I'm giving you a small period of time before you go. You're just saying that because you're used to your life of working and working all day. I'm sure you'll love the retirement home.
Francis: We're not going down without a fight, Peter Griffin! You hear us?! WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE!
Brian: Phbbbt! Yeah right.
Thelma: We're not lyin'! We'll make you pay!
[Cuts to a sign that is nailed up to the Griffin house that says "Home of the Dumbass", that Francis finishes nailing on]
Francis: Hey, Thelma, look what I put on the sign.
Thelma [claps her hands for him] Bravo, Frany! Oh, he is bad, isn't he, Stewie?
Stewie: [to Francis and Thelma] Is this really the best you two can do?
Francis and Thelma: Uuuuuuh... yes?
Stewie: [sighes] Alright, let a pro handle the next one you do.
[Later on, Peter is seen on a ladder trying to pull the sign off with a hammer while the Swansons look at him]
Joe: Hey, Peter, can you explain why there's a sign that says "Home of the Dumbass" nailed to your house?
Peter: It's a practical joke my mom and dad are playing on me.
Bonnie: Peter, I don't think this is a "practical joke".
Kevin: Seems a lot more like an insult at you, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Oh yeah? Then would a dumbass fall off a ladder somehow for an unknown rea-?
[As if on cue, the ladder leg snaps and sends Peter crashing into a bush]
Joe/Bonnie: Peter!
[The Swansons rush to pull Peter out of the bush]
Kevin: Mr. Griffin, are you alright?
Peter: I-I'm fine. But why did that ladder snap?
[A faint sound of laughter is heard. As Peter and the Swansons turn to see the elders and Stewie laughing at Peter while Thelma is holding a hacksaw, indicating she was the one to sabotage the ladder, making Peter groan in annoyance, until he sees Joe getting out handcuffs and Kevin holding a baseball bat, both with vicious looks, until Peter halts Joe]
Peter: Don't. I'll tell you when's a good time.
[Later on, around the evening time, Peter was finishing setting up the dining table]
Peter: Mom, Dad, dinner!
[However, to his surprise, Lois and the kids came to the area and settled in]
Peter: What the hell-? Aren't you guys supposed to be sitting in the kitchen?
Meg: We were, until Grandpa and Grandma left out the house.
Peter: [puts his hands over his head] Where'd your grandparents go off to?
Brian: They're in your car in the trunk.
[Peter rubs his temple and lets out a big fat groan]
Peter: Let's go see them.
[Peter and Brian head outside to the car and open it to see Brian was right about what he said about the two being in his trunk, except Stewie's there too]
Stewie: Ugh, here comes the Fat Man and Muttski to ruin our day as usual.
Brian: And along with the mutant is Mr. Bible Thumper and Mrs. Smokes-a-Lot [gets Francis' bible thrown at his head] Ow!
Peter: What the hell's the deal here?!
Francis: We're protesting our placement at the retirement home.
Thelma: Yeah, by staying in your car.
Brian: [sarcastic] Yeah, your protesting will totally work.
Peter: [sighs] You know what, go ahead? I don't care anymore. Anything you do won't work for me now. My mind's made up and you two will be going to that retirement home by my two week end even if I have to drag you there. We'll be inside eating dinner. If I were you two, I quit this stunt and come inside.
[The man and dog head back inside, to not indulge in the behavior]
Francis: Thelma, Stewie, don't listen to the boy. We're not going that retirement home.
Stewie: And how is camping in the Fat Man's car supposed to help with that?
Francis: Well, in my time working at Pawtucket Mill, I've learned that if you want something, you gotta fight back against the man. One time, when our boss wouldn't give us raises, we laid in our parking spaces as a protest until they gave in. Some maybe if we do the same energy, he'll groan and not let us go there!
Thelma: Are-Are you sure this is going to work, Fran Fran? I-I-I mean, those types of ways might not play the same.
Francis: Really? I thought you might be more interested considering you (in a seducing manner) like the thrill of danger.
Thelma: Well...
Francis: If we do this, we're gonna get a little kinky.
Thelma: Ooh, Francis. You know I love reckless men.
Francis: We're gonna get a little wild!
Thelma: Oh, *purrs* more! Tell me more!
Francis: We're gonna get so rough we'll need multiple fans to cool us off!
Thelma: Francis, I want that! I want that energy! It was something that I missed from us.
[During their flirting, Stewie just rolled his eyes in disgust]
Francis: Good, I gottacha hooked. Though we do need a backup just in case.
Stewie: I got one. And it goes a little something like this...
[Stewie huddled the two elders close to him as he whispered his plan to them in their amazement. Around night, when everyone else as gone to sleep, Peter looks out Stewie's bedroom window to see the three still sleeping in his car. The only thing he could do to not worsen situation is shake his head in disapprovement and let a sad sigh]
Peter: (sigh) I know I'll get you to love me someday...
Why can't you love me
the same way I truly do?
[Peter leaves Stewie's room to head to the stairs]
I've let stay in my home
With beds and love galore
With no strings attached
And even with free range
[Peter makes his way down the stairs]
Yet, no matter how hard I try to show you I care
You still me brush off as an idiot.
[Peter heads outside, close to the car]
Can't you show me, that you care?
With a hug or saying you love me?
Hell, it doesn't need to be something grand
Maybe a sweet nickname will do!
[Peter's singing is interrupted by the knocking of Francis on the car window]
Francis: Peter, what in God's name are you doin'?!
Peter: Uh, well, uh, I was, uh, singing (nervous laugh).
Francis: For God's sake, don't sing in front of the windows. It's makes you look like a moron.
Thelma: Your father has a point, Petey.
[Disappointed, Peter goes back inside and heads back to his room]
And while I'll keep trying
To get your approvers
I just pray you'll soon love me the same way...
I do you...
[As he completes his song, Peter sighs as he drifts back to sleep. Early the next morning, Peter and Lois in their morning attire look to see what seems like Francis and Thelma sleeping in the trunk]
Peter: [sigh] Look at them, Lois. They're still in there from last night.
Lois: Peter, we've got to let them boil it over themselves.
Peter: I know, but, I still feel a little bad. Not much, but a little.
[Peter and Lois head out to the car and Peter taps the window]
Peter: Hey Dad? [no response] The silent treatment huh? [sigh] Look, I know you're mad at me for what I'm doing... and you do have the right to be mad. But I'm not doing this because I want rid of you. I'm doing this to give you a better place to live than in my care. I found a great apartment for you and a personal helper just for you two specially, and I promise you two can visit anytime. So can't you guys please come out?
[Still no response]
Lois: Peter I don't think they're in there.
Peter: What'ya talking about? [opens the trunk] Of course they two in- there?
[Peter had pulled the covers over from one of what he thought to be one of the elders to see pillows and additional filler to plum it up. As Peter and Lois look, Thelma from behind pushes the two into the cargo area of the station wagon and gets into the passenger's seat in the car with Francis and Stewie joining inside as well]
Thelma: Drive, Frany, drive!
[Francis steps on it and drives off. The three have a laugh at how they tricked Peter and Lois into their trap as they're driving, as they make their way to a lake miles far out from Rhode Island, and as they exit out they push the car into the lake. They continue laughing as they make their way home and one scene wipe later, we see Francis, Thelma and Stewie still laughing as they enter the house and sit on the couch of the living room, as their laughter fade and they calm down]
Thelma: Those two were so stupid.
Francis: I know!
Stewie: Should've caught it early.
[Later on that morning, Francis was making breakfast as Thelma set up the table and Stewie was in his high chair]
Stewie: Now you two remember the plan, right?
Thelma: We do, Stu. We use the distraction we gave to Peter and Lois to bond with Chris and Meg so much that when they come back, Chris and Meg will be begging for us to stay.
Stewie: Bingo. I'll say, I didn't expect you two be fast learners. Especially with dealing with Peter. That man can barely do anything right.
[A just awoken Chris and Meg come down, with Chris yawning from his sleep and Meg rubbing her eyes as she puts on her glasses]
Francis: [whispering to Thelma and Stewie] Remember, play it cool. [winks to the two]
[Chris and Meg place themselves down as Brian comes in with a newspaper and a cup of coffee]
Brian: Morning. [climbs to a chair and looks around] Where's Peter and Lois?
Francis: Good question. Which you actually made for a good segway, Brian. Thelma, if you would.
Thelma: Kids, we come to announce that your parents are going on eternal vacation this morning. And as they left, they took us to please look after you three.
Francis: So, we'll be your new parents!
Meg: Oh my God.
Chris: Holy crap, no!
Stewie: Yes! High five! Anyone?... Anyone?
Brian: Shut it.
Meg: Grandma, why weren't any of us made aware of this?
Thelma: They wanted too, but decided would take too much time and wanted to get going as fast as possible.
Francis: Now we know this will be a big change for you guys.
Brian: And one none of us had a say in?
Francis: But continuing, we'll try to be the best versions of your parents to compensate. But first, we need to set a ground rule... especially made for Brian.
Brian: What are you planning, Francis?
[Scene flip to an annoyed Brian being tied up to a post outside in the backyard, as Francis and Stewie dust off their hands]
Brian: There's no way Peter and Lois would leave you two in charge of the house.
Stewie: And how you gunna prove it, Dog? You're just a dumb dog tied to a post.
Brian: I swear to God that I will find wherever you've taken Peter and Lois, and unmask the truth behind your plan, Francis! And when I do, you'll look like the biggest jerk in this family!
[Brian jumps to action, but is jerked and collapses to the ground due to the leash]
Brian: As soon as I find out how to get this off.
[That afternoon, Chris comes home with a white shirt that's barely covering up his stomach while holding a shirt and looking beaten. Meg has already came home and is on the couch already and is holding an ice pack on her eye, as Chris plops down next to her]
Chris: This day. was. tiring. [pulls out a shirt with text saying "Big Daddy"] I wore this stupid shirt Gramma forced to wear and had to replace it with this tight shirt due to Principal Sloan finding it inappropriate. How was yours, Meg?
Meg: [takes off a necklace with a cross on it] Terrible. I wore this stupid cross necklace Grandpa forced on me and it got me until lunchtime...
[As Meg began to explain herself, it flashbacked to what happened earlier that day. She was putting her books in her locker when Connie and her friends were chatting nearby and headed nearby her locker]
Gina: I love the color of your new heart necklace, Connie. Where'd you get it from?
Connie: Doug got it for me to celebrate our two month anniversary of dating.
Scott: Wow, Doug!
Doug: Hey, you gotta be a little classy for the queen bee.
Meg: [closes her locker] Hey, you guys.
Doug: Ugh, it's her.
Meg: Uh, Connie, so, I heard you talking about having a necklace, but funny thing is, I have one too!
[Meg shows the bullies her cross necklace, and causes them to gasp, but not in a good way]
Gina: Oh my God, she's a Christian?!
Scott: No wonder she's so meek!
Connie: Look out everyone. Meg the Bible beater will come and bore us all to death with her Bible studys.
[She and the other girls then laughed and walked away, leaving Meg upset, as she sighes as she looks down to the floor in shame, only to have her whole body slammed by a locker that was revealed to be from Scott getting one of his items from his locker]
Scott: I knew I forgot a reason why I went here. Hey guys, wait up!
Meg: Well, getting slammed by a locker can't get any worse for me.
[As if to tease her, Mr. Berler walks nearby and steps on her stomach, not even noticing. Meg yelps out as Berler stops and looks to his up left and right and shrugs]
Mr. Berler: Must have been the wind.
[It then flashed back to the present]
Meg: [mimicking Francis' voice] Wear it, Megan. It'll bring you good luck. [normal voice as she snaps the necklace off her and throw it] Yeah, right.
[Francis and Thelma come into the house dressed in tacky 90's clothing]
Francis: Sup, bs?
Meg: Oh. My. God.
Thelma: We just got back hanging with dem "hommies", girl!
Francis: Doing all the "Tony Hawk-ing" with the dope homeboys.
Thelma: Getting da new "Bling-Bling"
Francis: Those kids were the bomb!
Meg: I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Chris: That's better than me dying a little inside.
Thelma: Chili out, Megan.
Francis: Damn Skippy. It's the 90's!
Chris: Grampa, it's 2000. People literally don't say that anymore.
Meg: Plus, I just got bullied thanks to your cross, and I don't feel in the mood for remember slang popular people say.
Francis: [to Thelma whispering] I told you it was a bad idea to look at that Slang for Dummies book.
Thelma: It was either that or those teens at the skate park. And you know how that went.
Cutaway #8
[Francis and Thelma walk upon teens skateboarding]
Francis: Excuse us, fellow teens of the modern day, can you teach me and my wife the ways of your "Tony Hawk-ing" slang?
[The two elders are then seen running away from rocks being slingshot at them by the teens]
Teenager: Get lost, Grandpa!
End
[After the cutaway, the elders notice Meg and Chris are gone]
Thelma: Where did Chris and Megan go?
Stewie: [walking down the stairs] They retreated to their rooms. I saw everything and its clear neither of you know what to do, but lucky, the Stu-man's here to help ya.
[In Peter and Lois' room, Francis and Thelma are on the bed as Stewie marches back and forth with a bat on his shoulder]
Stewie: Welcome to Stewie's school for Basic Parenting. If you're gonna be the replacement parents, you need to remind the teens as much of their old ones.
[Stewie walks out and comes back with similar looking Peter and Lois attire, but with minor differences - Lois' shirt is red while Peter's shirt color is yellow and his whole outfits is slimmer - and tosses them at the two]
Stewie: Take these clothes and put them on. Any questions?
Francis: Yeah, uh, what's with the bat?
Stewie: I like it. Make me look like a drill sergeant. Now, move it!
[A scene wipe later shows Thelma coming out from the bathroom completely dressed up in the clothes and looks at a nearby mirror near the bed]
Thelma: Dear God, I look a sad housewife that never leaves the house.
[Francis comes next to her a completes getting himself dressed and comes to see]
Francis: My, My. Look at that gorgeous woman in the mirror.
[Francis scratches Thelma's chin as she looks at him with a romantic face]
Thelma: D'awww, Franny, you always know how to cheer me up.
Francis: First time come around, Gumdrop!
[The elder couple laughed at themselves until Stewie snapped his fingers at them to get them back on track]
Stewie: Hey, Grandpop, we got kids to wow, remember?
Francis: He-he, right. Sorry, Stewie.
Stewie: Now we'll do this by gender as that's the best way it might work. Francis, you bond with the fat one, and Thelma, you bond with the ugly one.
Thelma: You mean Chris and Meg?
Stewie: Hold up, they had names?
[Outside the Herbert house, Chris had just finished raking leaves for Herbert, who was watching him rake the entire time]
Chris: All done with the leaves Mr. Herbert! Funny how many leaves from your trees can fall off in the springtime.
Herbert: [chuckles] Yeah. How funny.
Cutaway #9
[Flashes back to around midnight, where Herbert is seen with a leaf blower trying to blow the leaves off his trees]
Herbert: Get off, damn it! If you don't get off, he doesn't rake!
End
Herbert: [hands Chris $10] Here's your promised pay. You know, I could use some help getting into bed. How about for some extra pay, you help me into bed by slowly lifting me into it and getting in to make sure no covers are too tight for me?
Chris: You had me at extra pay!
[As Herbert walks inside and Chris begins to follow, Francis pushes Chris away to take him, unaware of him saving Chris from whatever Herbert was going to do to him]
Chris: Hey! Grampa, what's the deal?
Francis: Chris, it's best not to waste time on the elderly.
Chris: But you're elderly, Grampa!
Francis: Yes, but compared to him, I can fill in the wrinkles.
[Herbert grumbled in frustration on how his plan to seclude Chris failed, as his dog Jesse came out and grumbled too. With the two grumbling together]
Francis: Now Chris, I know we had a rough start with me being rough on you masturbating on, but because I'm going to be your replacement father, I feel its best to get a father-son relationship. So, what you like to do in your free time?
Chris: Well, I like to draw and paint.
Francis: That's neat.
Chris: Stare at teenage girls.
Francis: Getting colder.
Chris: And I love pulling pranks on the school faculty. Though I gotta get better at covering my tracks. Principal Sloan caught me twice pulling pranks and I had to serve detention both times. And I remember him saying: [in Principal Sloan's voice] If I catch you pulling another prank on the faculty one more time, Griffin, I will expell you from this school! [normal voice] That's my impression of Sloan. Not bad if I say so myself.
Francis: Uh, is there anything you and your dad liked to do together?
Chris: Well, now that I think about it...
[Smash cuts to Chris' room as Chris pulls out the box of dirty magazines Peter gave him in "Running Mates" from under his bed and places them on his lap to show to his grandfather]
Chris: ...When I feel like getting a rush of adrenaline, I look these magazines my Dad gave me.
Francis: [swipes the box away from Chris] Oh no way in Hell you're lookin' at those! Your father used to bring these damn magazines home all the time when he was a kid to get some sick kink to in his room, despite me always telling him not to bring these sinful books!
Chris: But, Dad always said its natural for someone to have a sexual urge. I mean, don't you have some weird sexual urges of your own?
Francis: What the-?! I-? Absolutely not! In fact, I'll show you I have no urges by looking at one of these sin books. [pulls a magazine out and looks inside it and his eyes open wided] Oh! Ooh! [unfolds the model] SWEET JESUS, THAT'S HOT!
Chris: Soo, you still wanna say you don't have occasionally urges, Grampa?
Francis: Wha-? N-N-No no. I just was uh... slightly amused by your father's magazines. [looks down at his crotch and notices his... "you-know-what" harden] Stop, it, damn it! [starts punching it] Stop it! You know better! [upon realizing it's not loosening] Okay, maybe I'm a little excited from that as I haven't had much sexually activity with Thelma. [sigh] I just wish there was some way I could just release that tension.
Chris: There is one way.
[Downstairs, Thelma and Meg are looking through a family album]
Thelma: Aw, look Megan. That's your father getting his first haircut.
[Thelma points to an image of a younger Peter crying as he gets his hair cut by a barber, while a younger version of her is smoking a cigarette and Francis is reading a newspaper]
Thelma: Here's him getting his 300th haircut.
[The second image Thelma points to is a teenager Peter crying the same way he did but with an older Thelma, Francis and barber]
Thelma: And here's when the boy snapped.
[The final image Thelma pointed at showed Peter as an adult holding a gun while the barber and Thelma are in shock. Francis is nowhere seen in this image]
Thelma: He killed that barber.
Meg: Yikes.
Thelma: Yeah, we don't do haircuts by barbers anymore because of that.
[Francis and Chris, with ruffled hair and messed up clothes come stumbling down the stairs]
Francis: Hey Sugarpop! What's for dinner?
[The next day, Chris and Francis are at the Quahog Zoo when they come across a gorilla in a cage]
Chris: Wow, a gorilla! [takes a picture of it with his camera] I can't wait to draw this!
Francis: You wanna see something better? [to the gorilla] Hey Mr. Gorilla!
[The gorilla oohs and aahs back to Francis]
Chris: What's he askin' Grampa?
Francis: He's asking for our names. M'names Francis.
Chris: And I'm Chris.
[The gorilla oohs and aahs back again]
Francis: The boy is an eighth grader and I'm a man lookin' for work.
[The gorilla oohs and aahs again]
Francis: Wha? But, but he's the president!
[The gorilla oohs and aahs more angerly at Francis]
Franics: No! I won't kill for you!
[A now angry Francis drags Chris out of the zoo, as Chris is just confused from it all. At the same time, Meg and Thelma are seen at the Quahog Beauty Museum]
Thelma: This is where I went when I was your age, Meg. Just seeing the possibilities for a woman to become as an adult can be wonderful to look at.
[They first come across a statue of a woman with the title "Sexy Woman", then a second statue of a woman with the title "Sexier Woman", and finally a third statue area, but the statue's not there. With the title saying "So Sexy We Had To Take It Down"]
Meg: Think someday I'll be like them?
Thelma: [chuckles] I'm sure someday sweetie. [under her breath] Fat chance.
[Around the evening/night time, Francis takes Chris inside the Drunken Clam]
Chris: Wow, I never been inside Dad's hangout spot before.
Francis: That's because your parents wouldn't allow you to come. But with me, you're open to come in! [whisper to Chris] Just in case someone asks, just tell them you're sixteen.
[Francis notices Horace, who is still with a black-ish eye and a semi-working arm cast on his broken right arm that he received from him and Francis' fight earlier, struggling to wash beer jugs]
Francis: Hey, Chris, look! It's the bartender I had a fight in the story I told ya. [to Horace] Hey, Fatso! How's it feel to be beaten up by an someone twice your age?
Horace: (off-screen) Feels like this, dickhead!
[A beat happens, and Chris opens his eyes wide]
Chris: Grampa, he's flipping you off.
Francis: I know, just ignore him.
[Francis redirects Chris to a dartboard]
Horace: When this heals, I'm gonna find you and beat you up!
Chris: He sounds serious, Grampa.
Francis: He doesn't matter, so how about a round of Darts?
Chris: How exactly do you play Darts, Gramps?
Francis: It's very simple, Chris [hands Chris a dart] You just aim the dart at the dartboard and throw it to see if you can make it to the middle.
[Chris fakes a throw twice, setting up, and throws the dart, accidentally landing it on Francis' lump under his chin]
Francis: Uh, all right, okay... Uh... I've seen enough TV to know that-that, uh, punctured a major artery.
[Chris comes up to Francis and tries to wiggle the dart out]
Francis: Chris, uh I think it's best to uh, leave that in there.
Chris: I'm so sorry, Grampa.
Francis: Chris, it's fine. This happens to me all the time. In fact, this is the least bad dart accident to happen to me. That would be from this-
[Francis pulls up his right pants leg and Chris cringes from what he sees, which is left off-screen to imply that it was something extremely gross and serious. From a booth over, Cleveland comes over to Joe and Quagmire at their usual booth, who were looking at Francis and Chris nearby]
Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, Joe, either of you guys seen Peter around? I haven't seen him since I gave him the address for the Acres, and every time I called the house, I kept getting someone yelling "Wrong number!" and hang up.
Quagmire: We don't know. Though I do find some suspicion on that fact that ever since Peter mysteriously disappeared, [points to Francis and Chris] his dad has been taking the role of him.
Joe: I know something's up. And I'm not taking my eyes off him for one second.
[Hoarce hands Joe a beer and, without fail, Joe takes it, has a swig, and puts it on the table without even looking. Later that night, when the two come back home, Thelma was sitting on the bed in night gown watching on the bedroom TV as Francis was in his night clothes and ready for bed]
Francis: Welp, I just got done with a hard study period with Chris. We crushed his Math!
Thelma: Are you sure that's the truth of what you two did?
Francis: Yep.
Cutaway #10
[Flashes back to earlier that day, Chris sits in his room looking through his math book upon the other books on the table and looks bored out of his mind, until Francis walks up to him]
Francis: Hey, Chris! Wanna study the Grampa way?
Chris: Um, okay. How do study the Grampa way?
[Francis shoves all the books off the table]
Francis: You're already studyin', boy!
Francis/Chris: Yaaay!
[Afterwards, the two are seen playing video games on the living room TV, "studying"]
End
Francis: Heh-heh... yeah... But still these days were a success!
[Francis notices that Thelma's looking a little down and giving that "Hmm..." sound. Knowing something's up, he gets next to her in bed]
Francis: Something wrong, pookie? That's the fourth you've done that sad "Hmm..." sound.
Thelma: I'm in the feeling, hun. It's just... do you think Petey will be upset with us?
Francis: Why you say that for, sugar-babe?
Thelma: I mean we dumped him and his wife into a lake behind and their back and... I don't know, I just feel he'll be furious at us when he finds we did this to win his children's support of us to not let us leave.
Francis: Lollipop, I got the boy fired from his job one time and he responded back with getting the Pope. Trust me, things will be okay.
Thelma: But what about your morality, Frany? Doesn't Christianity go against what you did?
Francis: Thelms, days ago I just masturbated. I think a little religion rule breakin's fine now.
Thelma: Eh, I guess you're right.
Francis: And since we're breaking a few rules, you wanna do it on Peter's bed like we did when he was a kid?
Thelma: Ooooh, you're bad.
[The two elders cuddle up and begin to have their way on the bed. As they do, Brian shown to still be struggling his way out of his leash outside in the yard, days after being tied up]
Brian: Come on, there's got to be a breaking point for this leash.
[He tugged more and more with all the strength his body could do, which was weakening with the lack of food Brian was given. And Brian was almost close to giving up after constantly failing to break free ... until he heard a little sound when he did what would be his final tug: the sound of the rope thinning and slightly breaking. Seeing his chance, he gives one more tug with an increase of strength and with it gets the rope breaks off the pole, freeing him. He also pulled so hard it was able to launch the pole out from the ground]
Brian: Yes! Now to find Peter and Lois.
[With no time to waste, Brian sprinted using his dog instincts, not even bothering to check if someone heard him, and ran off down the street. While he was running, we see Joe still looking at the elders using binoculars, not even noticing Brian, with Kevin coming out to check on him]
Kevin: Dad, you've been doing this for nights! Please, just take a break.
Joe: [removes the binoculars from his eyes] I'll take a break when I'M READY TO TAKE A-!
[Joe instantly conks to sleep and Kevin takes control of Joe's wheelchair and takes him inside. Back on Brian, he begins to sniff around for traces of Peter or Lois that led him to running out of Rhode Island and going many miles far out After many hours that took him almost the whole night as he came to the lake by early morning, he came across the same lake the two were drowned in. Brian smells again to check if their scent was there]
Brian: The scent's cold.
[He looks down to see the deep water below him. Fearing the worse, he gets a good deep breath in and jumps into the water. As he swims down toward the bottom, he sees the sunken family car. And above he sees an unconscious Peter and Lois, whom tried to escape earlier. Brian checks both pluses and thankfully both are still alive]
Brian: [thinking] Thank God, for once.
[Moving before he ends up like them, he grabs the unconscious Lois and pulls her to shore first, with her being lighter, and she begins to cough out water with the air coming back to her]
Lois: [coughing] W-Where am I? Brian?
Brian: Hey, Lois.
Lois: W-Where am I?
Brian: Oh, you're just on the set for a movie they were filming starring me, [in a seductive manner] and I just saved my love.
Lois: Brian, I'm not gonna kiss you.
Brian: [flustered] Wha? Kiss? Lois, we both know I put being in love with you being me since Peter is my faithful friend and all, and-
[Brian's eyes shot open when he remembered]
Brian and Lois: PETER!
[As Peter's seen again near is final heart beats, Lois and Brian quickly come back down to him and both bring him to shore. Brian performs some CPR on Peter to rejuvenate him and succeeds as Peter awakens and ends up coughing out a large amount of water that was held in his body from the hours they spend stuck there, and returns as if nothing happened]
Peter: Hey, Brian. Hey, Lois. How's it going?
Brian: Oh, I don't know Peter. How do you think it's going?
[Around the noon time later on, the elders and the kids were walking home from being at the ice cream parlor. With each family member, except Thelma, who was holding Stewie, having their own scoop of ice cream]
Francis: Go on honey, tell them what happened at school.
Meg: Well, after I got bullied for the cross, I told Grandpa and then he decided to help straighten them out.
Cutaway #11
[Meg is shown closing her locker when Connie and her friends]
Connie: Well, if it isn't Meg the Bible Thumper.
Meg: I wouldn't rock the boat if I were you, Connie.
Connie: Why? You gunna bore as all to death with your Catholic teachings?
[Connie and her friends laugh at her witt, while Meg remains the same until Francis comes by her and the group]
Francis: Hi, Francis Griffin. Meg's grandpa. Say, Connie, I got a question: Have you ever dealt with a Bible-Thumper?
Connie: Uh... no?
Francis: Well, we Bible-Thumpers are a little something like this:
[Francis takes out his pocket bible and whacks Connie with it with so much force it sends her off her feet and on the ground. Francis then continually whacks Connie with the book as her friends look in surprise and try to come to her aid, until...]
Francis: IF ANY ONE OF YOU SINNERS COME CLOSER, YOU'LL END UP LIKE THIS BITCH!
[Francis continues his whacking as Meg looks at it with a devilish smile]
End
Francis: I guess you call that bible-thumping! Afterwards, I got kicked out and banned from the school premises since I attacked a child, but it was still worth it!
Meg: Before he got kicked out, Grandpa also helped me with getting Neil off my back. What did you do to him again?
Francis: I told him that if he deciphered a letter I gave him, he would find the truth about your love for him.
Cutaway #12
[At the Goldman's house, Neil is shown just finishing decoding the message]
Neil: Alright! Took two days but I was finally able to finish decoding the message. Now let's read Meg's declaration to loving me. [reading the letter] "Neil Goldman, leave me alone. I will never love you. Meg Griffin" [beat happens and Neil smiles holding the note anyway] Awww, she must really love me to go through this amount of effort.
End
Chris: And all my friends think your photos from your youth are hot, Grandma! They can't believe Dad came out of you the way you looked!
Thelma: I'm glad they liked it. And I'm glad Francis helped you with those bullies.
Meg: [chuckles] Thanks Grandma.
Francis: Soooo, does this mean you want us to stay?
Meg: Wait, what?
Chris: Come again?
Thelma: Well, wha-what Fran Fran's getting at is, do you think that if - and I do mean if - your parents do come back, would you want us to stay?
Chris: Um... I wouldn't mean stay with us...
Meg: I would be more accepting to regular retirement home visits and phone calls...
Francis: Ah. [inhales and exhales] Kids, wait inside for a second while me and your grandmother discuss something?
[Chris and Meg back away in confusion]
Stewie: Okay, this isn't working. We need to up our game or this whole plan will be for nothing.
[The three thinks for a second before Thelma snaps her fingers, with an idea]
Thelma: I got a wild one. We're gonna throw a-
[Smash cuts to later that evening with a DJ - being Bruce - inside the Griffin living room]
Bruce: House Par-ty, 'yall!
[Bruce starts up the music to start the party and multiple partygoers are dancing around the living room. Francis and Stewie look upon the partygoers and are dressed for the party. With Stewie wearing a tux and Francis having a green coat on to look classier]
Stewie: Now, this is the perfect way to win those teens over.
[Thelma comes to the two boys, looking worried]
Thelma: Uh, Franny, Stewie, I don't want to set any worries, but I checked out the yard and Brian was not on the rope. Matter of fact [pulls up the torn rope and broken off pole], he tore both the rope and the pole out of the ground. Should we be worried?
Francis: Phhtt! Nah, I doubt he'd gone that far.
[Around the same time, Peter, Lois and Brian, who all hitched a ride home, are driving in the car of an older man. With him driving the three back to Spooner Street, all still soaking wet from the pledge in the lake]
Lois: You still wanna say they're redeemable, Peter?
Peter: They're just acting out. I'm sure what they did to us was a complete accident.
Lois: "Acting ou-"..? Peter, they drove our car into a lake with us in it! If Brian didn't come out to the lake to find and save us, we could have died!
Peter: Yeah, well...
Brian: And during your absence, do you know what they did to me? They tied me to a pole! I had to tug my way out for days! Does that sound like "a complete accident"?
Peter: Um... no? But still, give me good reasons to not look at them as redeemable.
Lois: With pleasure!
[Back at Spooner Street, Joe is watching a game in his living room when his son Kevin comes up to him]
Kevin: Hey Dad, Mr. Griffin's having a House Party at his house!
Joe: "House Party", eh?
[Joe wheels over to the nearby poach window to see the flashing party lights from the party going on]
Joe: Kevin, this is no normal party he would throw.
Kevin: Should I get the bat, Dad?
Joe: No. [squints his eyes] Get my gun.
[Kevin nods back and goes off. Back at the Griffin household, Francis is walking around the house, checking out the party at making sure it's going well]
Francis: Hey, everybody, what's the feeling? Nice party, am I right?
[Francis comes near Chris with some teenage friends from his middle school taking aim at a pinata blindfolded in the study room of the house. He swings and misses, hitting the wall and breaking it.]
Chris: Whoa! Sorry, Grampa!
Francis: Pssh. No worries, Chris! Anything goes with me as your dad! Let me have a try at that.
[Francis takes the bat and repeatedly smashes the wall with the bat]
Hector: Whoa!
Friend #1: Chris, you're grandpa is cool!
Chris: I know, right?
[On the other side, the living room, Thelma'
Meg: Hey, Grandma!
Thelma: Oh, Meg!
Meg: Grandma, this party is wicked cool! Not only will this make me look popular with all the people here, but a guy actually asked for my number! He might be my boyfriend!
Thelma: I suggest you give it to him.
Meg: Wait, did I? Be right back. [runs off] Hey! Here's my number!
[Francis comes up to Thelma with Stewie in his hands]
Francis: Thelma, this party is working! The kids are loving it and I can just sense us being here in our fingertips!
Thelma: I know! But I can't help but feel this'll backfire on us somehow...
[Cuts to the front door with Kevin busting the door open with his foot and his dad Joe - in his police attire - wheeling in behind him. The two both aim their guns at everyone]
Joe: Freeze!
Stewie: Thelma, you really gotta stop tempting the fate.
Kevin: Everyone outta here, we're breaking this party up!
[The partygoers all groan as the party's coming to an end so early]
Francis: [to the partygoers] Don't worry, fellas, I'll handle this. [him and Thelma walk up to Joe and Kevin in a casual manner] Hello, officer.
Joe: Don't get all goody on me, old man! Peter's been missing for days, and I've had you on my suspicion list ever since.
[Outside, the car Peter, Lois and Brian were riding in drops them off and the trio exits the car and heads to the front door, with Peter in shock from the long list of negatives Lois gave]
Peter: [lip smacks] Wow, that... that was a long list of reasons.
Lois: Your parents are very easy to rag on, Peter. They're flaws are in plain sight.
Brian: Plus, from what I saw, those guys are trying to manipulate Chris and Meg.
Peter: But I'm sure there's perfectly valid-
[As they have their conversation, they're cut off from the conversation Joe and Francis are having in the living room]
Kevin: [off-screen] We think you two are responsible for the disappearance of Mr. Griffin!
Francis: [off-screen] Peter? My son? He's been dead!
Peter: What the Hell?
[Peter and Lois open the door slightly to peak and see the conversation in to see his parents and their kids having dinner together like they do]
Joe: [deadpan] Peter's dead?
Francis: Oh, oh, oh, yeah! He, uh, died last week and left us the house and kids in his will. [remembers the lack of Lois] A-A-As well as his wife, Lois! Sad, sad times.
Kevin: Uh huh, yeah. But how do you explain how they're no death certificates for either of them? If they did "die" - which I don't believe - as you say, how come there were no alerts given to us about their so-called deaths?
Joe: Plus, Peter and my friends all made an agreement to let ourselves one of the first contacts if anything happened to us, and the funny thing is that in the past week, and I never got a call about Peter or Lois Griffin dying!
[Francis started to sweat a little, as he knew Joe had him there. To not help matters, Chris and Meg comes up to him in honest curiosity]
Chris: Um, Grampa, you told us they went on an eternal vacation, not died!
Meg: What's the deal with that?
[The front door creaks a little, indicating they came in to get a better look. Nobody notices expect Thelma, who's eyes bulge out in fear and begins to poke Francis' left shoulder with a nervous look]
Thelma: Uh, Franny?
Francis: Not now, cutie.
Kevin: And now there's misinformation being spread?! What's the truth, then? Are they dead or somewhere else?
Francis: Uh...
Thelma: Fran Fran?
Francis: [to Thelma through gritted teeth] Now's not the time!
Joe: [to Kevin] I'm betting money on the former. At least then I can put a good amount of arrest years under him.
Francis: Folks, there's, uh, easy explanation for this misinformation being spread... And the answer is, uh...
Lois: [off-screen] You're being manipulated!
[The voice of Lois made Francis heart almost dropped as the group and the party in general looks to see the soaked trio that came home. With Peter being surprisingly shock-stricken from what he heard]
Brian: See, Peter? I was right! I knew these two parasites did not deserve another chance!
Peter: [with stutters] M-Mom? D-Dad? K-Kids?
[To try to weasel out of their mess, Francis tries yet again to act in a casual manner]
Francis: P-Peter! You're back from you're eternal vacation! How was it?
[Peter doesn't respond. Or do anything else, aside from twitch his left eye, like something inside him broke. As he did, his angel and devil spirits came to him]
Angel Peter: Don't do it, Peter! What's in you isn't like you! You need to stay strong!
Devil Peter: Shut up! Peter's been holding it in for 43 years! UNLEASH YOUR RATH, PETER! [Peter doesn't respond to ethier of them] Peter?
[Inside Peter's conscience, in a parody of Star Trek, Peter is the head captain while Lois, Brian, Meg and Chris are trying to put up with the boiling rage]
Crewmate Brian: Captain Peter, it looks like he's to blow!
Captain Peter: And he won't. Just put up his denial shields.
Crewmate Lois: They're already at maximum! They won't take any more.
[An explosion is heard]
Crewmate Meg: Captain Peter, Denial Shield #3 just exploded. We really need to fix that shield.
Crewmate Chris: Actually, all our shields seem to be showing wear and need of an upgrade. [to Cpt. Peter] Something we were supposed to take care of.
Captain Peter: Look, did you want the denial shields upgraded, or did you want a season of Star Trek to watch while Peter's zoning off?
The Other Members: The denial shields!
[Another explosion is heard as the controls start to malfunction]
Crewmate Chris: Aw crap, the denial shields are down! Rage is building up!
Crewmate Brian: And we can't control him anymore!
Captain Peter: Everyone, prepare for emotional explosion.
[The area begins to shake as it cuts back to the real world, where Peter begins to chuckle insanely, twitching his whole body around]
Peter: How was it? [studders] Ha! How was it?
[Peter heads to the kitchen, still chuckling insanely and after a short beat comes back screaming with a chair and throws it with a full force right towards Francis and Thelma. The two are able to duck in time as it instead breaks into the patio door and shatters the glass]
Francis/Thelma: Ahh!
Francis: What the hell has gotten into you?
Peter: SHUT UP! [moves to the front door] Everyone who's not a Griffin, GETTTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTT!
[Everyone leaves, except the Griffin clan and Bruce, who stays near the door to ask a question]
Bruce: I still am getting payed for the night, right?
[Peter slams the door, ignoring his question, then turns to Meg and Chris]
Peter: Meg, Chris, take Stewie upstairs and go to your rooms!
Chris: But Dad-?
Peter: DID I STUTTER?!
[Meg and Chris, in fear, shake their heads and slowly back away to get Stewie and head upstairs]
Peter: [to Francis and Thelma] YOU TWO! I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU! I've dealt with you for forty-three years, and not once did I lose it on you. But now, I lost all of my patience on you! Not only have you proven your horrible parents and grandparents, but I've finally seen what you truly are.
Francis: Aw, look Thelma. He finally saw me as a righteous Man of God and have come for my forgiveness.
Peter: No! You're not that way at all! You're the most dishonest, disrespectful, selfish, self-absorbed, ungrateful pricks that I've ever had to experience! I don't even think we've ever had a moment where I can truly, proudly say that your parents. You two don't deserve forgiveness for what you've done to me and my family. As far as I can tell, YOU TWO are the sinners, Francis!
[Lois and Thelma gasped in shock at what Peter said. Him, for the first time, going against his father and calling him his real name]
Francis: You-did you call me "Francis"? You-! You-!
Peter: Yeah, I did! Because I'm pissed off at you two and done trying to be nice! I would have done this sooner, but I still had the smallest hope in my heart that you would change and treat me and my family with a little bit of respect if we treated you two nicely. But clearly, I was wrong. I was wrong to care about ethier of you. I was wrong to bail you out of jail, Francis. I was wrong to accept in my home twice. And now, I was wrong to even put you two in a retirement home. Because you don't deserve it!
Thelma: Petey, wha... what are you saying?
Peter: I'm saying, Thelma, you two being part of my family and my parents is over! You two can forget the damn retirement home, because I'm doing what I should have done, kicking you two out of the house to sleep in filth! Where you two belong.
Francis: You ungrateful bastard! Raised you for all our lives and that's how you treat us?! Throw us out like trash? You no good piece of-!
[Peter grabs Francis by his vest, and slams him by the nearby wall]
Peter: Listen you cantankerous horrible excuse for a father! I've given you unconditional love for forty-three years and only ask for nothing in return aside from love! And every time I've given you love, you actively abuse me, mock me, and rarely show me any respect. And the fact that you nearly DROWNED ME TO DEATH doesn't clue you in to how hypocritically you're being Francis, I don't know what will!
Thelma: Petey, we didn't mean to...
Peter: Shut up!
Francis: P-P-Peter, we...
Peter: [coldly] Shut up. Stop trying to save your asses. It's over. If you have any respect for me left, you would leave. And never. come. back.
Francis: Can-Can we at least say goodbye to the kids before we go?
Peter: [coldly] No.
[The two elders hang their heads down in shame and slowly walk to the door. As the two elders walk out, they stop to glance back at Peter and give him a nervous by still semi happy look, but Peter just gives a "Just go already" face, that makes them continue onward]
Vern: Talk about heavy! I know what can cheer ya up! A good ol' classic song! Johnny, give me a beat!
[Johnny begins to play on Lois' piano again that has somehow teleported to the living room]
Vern: Oh-.
[Instantly cuts to Vern and Johnny being booted out of the household by Peter]
Peter: Move on! It's not the 1930's anymore!
[Peter slams the front door hard, as it cuts back to Peter's conscience, where Captain Peter is on the floor rubbing his head]
Captain Peter: That wasn't so bad...
Crewmate Brian: Captain, we crashed!
Captain Peter: Hey, don't we do that every time the man gets drunk?
Crewmate Lois: I'm starting to question you're position as captain of the ship.
And scene!
This was by far one of my favorite chapters in this fanfic to write, especially Peter's breaking point. To see Peter, who held in years of abuse and neglect from his parents under his shoulders and taking it just snap was cathartic to see.
As usual, if you loved this, be sure to favorite, share and follow me for more! Except the final act sometime this month or next month