Sean was waiting for Alex. After she talked to Ryan and Nikita, he was going to take her home and make her take a few more days off. She had returned to Division too early. She still hadn't healed from what had happened in South Ossetia, and that was throwing her off. She needed more time to process the trauma she had gone through. Being in Division obviously didn't help with that. But being home would; Sean was sure of it. Except, when he spotted Alex leaving Ryan's office, she breezed right past him. Her focus wasn't on home or her boyfriend. She had something in mind that he couldn't comprehend, "Hey. Where are you going?"
"Yeah. I'll be home later. I just need to finish up a few things," Alex waved off Sean dismissively and continued on her way as though he hadn't even spoken. He had to jog to catch up to her. He had no idea what she believed she had to do- she had already debriefed from the mission and put her equipment away. But whatever it was, he knew he didn't like it. The things she had planned lately- wanting to follow Danforth then wanting to kill him- didn't seem to be coming from her own head. She was acting too different, and it seemed to get worse each day.
"Hey. Hey. What's the rush? We ended the threat. We can take a moment to relax and just breathe," Stepping in front of Alex, Sean tried to get her to stop. It was possible that she could do what she wanted much later than right that second. She was allowed to go home and do nothing- relax and de-stress after all they had been through recently. There were three hundred agents inside Division. Literally anyone else could handle it. Alex didn't have to do everything.
"Look. This mission made me realize that I can't just sit around and wait for my pardon and happily ever after. I need to take it," Alex sighed as she attempted to explain herself to Sean. He didn't exactly understand her, however. Yes, because of her involvement with Division and the rogues, Alex did need a pardon. And yes, because Sean was recruited, she couldn't run off to a beach somewhere and live happily ever after. But, since when had the team ever just sat and waited. They were always fighting for a peaceful future and for the war to finally end.
"What are you gonna do?" Sean asked warily. Normally, he would've trusted Alex's decisions and gone along with any plan she came up with. But after her attempt to kill Danforth, he didn't know if he should've been indulging in her ideas. Besides Semak, Kochenko, and a few others associated with Operation Pale Fire, Alex never advocated for someone's death. She always claimed there was another way- she had said that with Batouala. The fact that she had wanted to kill Danforth wasn't right; it wasn't her.
"What we have been doing before Nikita and the others lost sight of what's important," Alex answered vaguely and tried to step around Sean. He blocked her, continuously confused at what she was saying. Yes, the team had made mistakes- himself and Alex included. However, they hadn't lost sight of why they were in Division. They were still trying to fight the bad guys, save the innocent, and go home. The path to get there had simply changed, nothing else.
But Sean had the feeling that Alex wouldn't listen to him if he explained that to her. They had had that conversation before. Since South Ossetia, Alex had been saying strange things about the team- specifically Nikita. At times, they bordered on mean and hateful. No matter what Sean said, she wouldn't change her opinions. She was sticking with the attitude, almost like when they had first met. But even then, she had sometimes listened to him, "They're trying their best. And you know Nikki's only had everyone's best interests at heart."
"If that was true, then she would've taken the opportunity to return home a long time ago. But she stayed and put everyone, including her own brother, in danger," A part of Alex had a counterargument for what she had just said, but she immediately shut that up. Nikita's choices constantly put other people in danger. There was no excusing that, "Sometimes, I don't think she wants to go home. I think she likes playing the martyr and carrying the world on her shoulders. Then she doesn't have to take accountability. Everyone else is to blame but her."
"What are you talking about?" Sean stared at his girlfriend in bewilderment. Weeks ago, in their apartment, she had told him that everything in their war was his sister's fault. She had bitterly placed everything on Nikita's shoulders and almost seemed to paint her as some kind of villain. At the time, Sean had thought he had misheard her. But then, he knew exactly what Alex was implying, and he hated it.
"Oh come on, Sean. You know that if Nikita had gone home after she had killed Percy, you would've been able to go home too. Then you never would've been recruited, and your sisters never would've lost yet another family member. But she just can't stop herself. Someone always has to suffer for her to get what she wants," Her rage boiling over, Alex huffed. She couldn't contain all her negative emotions anymore; she couldn't hold back her thoughts and feelings. She had to make them known and her voice heard.
"Hey. I know you're pissed at Nikita right now. But she is my sister. You cannot talk about her like that to me," Sean snapped. Alex could not seriously want him to choose between his sister and his girlfriend. He had never chosen between his sister and mother when they had been at odds (he also didn't have to hear Nikita's rants about their mother). So what made Alex think he'd make a decision then. Alex and Nikita could fight all they wanted, but he wasn't going to support only one of them and drag the other. What kind of person did his girlfriend think he was if she wanted him to do that.
"Nikita stopped being your sister when Division faked her death. She's not the same person and she never will be again. But I'm not gonna let Division change me like that. I promise," As Sean stood in shock, Alex finally pushed past him and continued with whatever goal she had in mind. He didn't chase after her. He was too stunned by what she had said to even move- to even think. Only one thought circled around and around in his head, and it got louder as her words kept cutting deep: something was wrong with Alex.
Michael had assumed that after speaking with Ryan and Alex, Nikita would've met with him and they'd have gone home. But hours passed, and he was still alone. He tried texting her, yet there was no response; he wasn't even notified that she had read the message. She was more than likely lost in thought somewhere, and he had to find her. Thankfully, he found her quickly. She was in the old gym, pummeling a punching bag. He watched her for a moment before he dared to approach, "You know, when we said we wanted things to return to normal, I didn't think that meant I'd have to start dragging you away from the sparring equipment again."
Nikita didn't respond. She simply continued punching and kicking the punching bag like her life depended on it. Michael hoped that whatever she was fighting wouldn't get her killed; however, he could only assume the kind of torment going through her head at the moment. She hadn't been letting him into a lot of her thoughts recently. It wasn't because she was shutting him out. It was almost as though she was protecting him from her thoughts. Or protecting herself. Michael wasn't sure which would've been worse.
He also wasn't sure how he'd get her to open up. Nikita could keep things from Michael for years if she wanted. She hadn't told him about her family until she had seen Sean on a mission. There was a chance that she would've never told him about the Pierces, just carried that all on her shoulders alone. He could never get her to talk about the things she didn't want to; that had been a problem since she had been a recruit. The only way he could pry things out of her was if he went in a roundabout way. So, while he watched her pummel the bag, he decided to goad her into a fight, like she had done to him months ago, "Your form's getting sloppy."
As expected, in an attempt to prove that she was still on top of her game, Nikita then directed her punch towards Michael. He easily parried her strike and set her up to make another. Of course she did. The engaged couple then began to spar, his actions far more controlled than hers. She was livid- either at him or whatever was in her head- and each of her strikes echoed that. Until Michael eventually pinned her to the mat, "You're getting predictable."
That was only somewhat true. Michael still didn't know exactly what Nikita would do next. However, a lot of moves were becoming easier to guess. Nikita didn't like the sound of that, though. With another burst of anger, she managed to slip past her fiancé's guard and pin him to the mat. Despite his strength and size advantage, he could not break her hold. All her anger was used to keep him down. If he had been an enemy, then would've been when she knocked him unconscious- or killed him.
A brief wave of intense rage crossed Nikita's expression. Yet as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. She let go of Michael, sat back on her haunches, and dropped her gaze. Michael propped himself up on his elbows and stared at Nikita, attempting to read her thoughts. He was able to do so after a moment. Her anger and rage, and guilt over being so angry and full of rage all stemmed from one thing: she hated who he had said she was acting like, "Hey. I'm sorry about what I said- about you, Madeline, and Amanda. But you know I had to say it, right? I had to help you think about what's been going on."
"Yeah… I know," Nikita mumbled. She continued to rest in Michael's lap with no intention of moving. He was okay with that. He wrapped his arms around her waist and sat up on the mat. He also bumped his forehead against hers, but her eyes wouldn't connect with his. Her gaze was focused intently on the collar of his shirt. She played with it absentmindedly, twirling the fabric around her fingers and occasionally caressing his neck. She was still lost in her thoughts, but at least she wasn't angry anymore.
"What is it? Talk to me," Caressing his fiancée's cheek, Michael spoke softly. If she told him exactly what she was thinking, it'd make her feel better; he knew it. Also, he could help her process her anger and ensure she stopped acting on it. He was aware that there were so many things for her to be pissed about. But she couldn't let herself become motivated solely by her rage. She needed to remember to think and breathe before acting. And she had to realize once and for all that she was not alone.
Clutching Michael's collar, Nikita fought the words bubbling in her throat. She didn't want to voice what she had been thinking since her conversation with Alex. She didn't want to put that possibility out into the world. But with her fiancé being so soft and gentle with her, she couldn't keep anything away. He had fought through her anger, and he was going to fight through her stubbornness. She was simply terrified of what that might lead to, "I don't think I'm ever going to go home."
She barely whispered, and Michael had to strain to hear her, but he perfectly understood what she meant. Nikita had asked before if she could ever go home; she doubted she could after all she had done. But then, she was certain that there was no returning for her. The hope of seeing her family again had completely died. She was going to be stuck in Division forever because that was where her choices and mistakes kept leading her.
Michael's first instinct was to negate everything Nikita was saying. She was going to return home to her sisters just like Sean would. Except, he had no answers as to how any of that would happen. Amanda and Dirty Thirties were still in the wind, and they were on thin ice with the President. The war was set to never end. Yet they could still have hope that it could. The team had gotten that far; they could eventually cross the finish line. Tenderly, Michael titled Nikita's chin up so she'd look at him. Watery brown eyes finally bore into his green. However, just before he could promise happiness, Sean burst into the room, "We gotta talk."
"I don't think now's the right time," Michael gripped Nikita's waist so she wouldn't slip from his hold. He was sure Sean had something important to say. But Nikita was just about to open up about what had been plaguing her mind. She couldn't shove those thoughts aside again; she couldn't claim something was more important and ignore her own problems. That was just going to make things worse for her. She had to stop trying to be everyone else's hero and just focus on saving herself. Michael feared what would happen if she didn't.
"What is it?" Getting to her feet, Nikita addressed her brother. He looked about as agitated as she felt. She could always talk to Michael, who sighed as he got to his feet, later about her fears and nightmares. Sean, on the other hand, looked like he was going to explode with what he was about to say. She didn't want him growing angrier or so full of rage that he became like her. He should be free to say what was on his mind immediately.
"There's something wrong with Alex," Sean blurted. It wasn't much of a reason to interrupt whatever had been going on between the engaged couple, but Michael had said that he should talk to him if he noticed anything else off with Alex. What she had just said was the most glaring example of how off she was. There was no way that she would've said that if she had been herself. Something was wrong with her. Amanda had done more than just talk to her.
Although Sean was adamant with his accusation, and Michael was starting to agree, Nikita shook her head. She had been quick to say that before. However, after her conversation with Alex, she realized how unfair it was to think that. Alex had gone through hell and back while in South Ossetia. She had lost someone she had cared for, and she had been forced to interact with Amanda. Of course she was going to be different. Alex was right to keep yelling that at them. There was nothing wrong, she had simply changed, "Sean, just because we're fighting doesn't mean…"
"That chair Owen had his memory wiped in was at that hospital Alex was held in," Interrupting Nikita, Sean finally shared. In hindsight, he should've mentioned the chair while Alex had been examined by Medical. Her results had come back clean, but if the team had known about the chair, they would've questioned them. There was no way that Alex had come back one hundred percent herself. Not just because of the trauma she had gone through, but because of what Amanda had done to her.
"What? Why didn't you say anything?" Instantly, Michael demanded to know. By itself, the chair was nothing scarier than a torture chair with a terrifying needle; Birkhoff had had his hand crushed in it, and Sonya had been trapped for hours in it as her killchip had been deactivated. But with the knowledge that Owen had had his mind permanently altered in that chair, Amanda's torture device took on a whole new sinister meaning. If Alex had been in that chair, there was no telling what kind of damage had been done to her. It was probably worse than any of them could imagine.
"Because Alex swears she was never in it," Sean hastily defended himself. He had never thought it was worth mentioning because he had believed Alex's claim. He had never doubted her before, so why would he have started then. Yet, after all the other things she had said to him lately, he wasn't so sure he could trust her anymore. After all, there was someone else on the team whose memories involving Amanda couldn't be trusted. Who was to say that didn't extend to Alex, "But I don't think she actually knows. I mean, her memory's been all over the place about what actually happened when she was with Amanda."
"What do you mean?" Cautiously, Michael asked. The only things they knew about Alex's time with Amanda was what she had been willing to tell them. There was a chance that Sean knew more than the rest of the team- Alex would undoubtedly talk to him more than the others. But if even he couldn't make sense of what had happened, then maybe there really was something off with Alex.
"She couldn't remember the layout of the hospital, even though she had tried to escape. And she swears she helped Larissa stop the bleeding when she had been shot. But she wasn't covered in blood when we grabbed her," Sean listed two things that came immediately to mind. There were a few other inconsistencies in Alex's story about what had happened with Amanda that didn't make sense. However, those two were the most glaring. It was almost as though there was no evidence to support her story- like it was all made up.
Nikita would also admit that what Sean had said was weird, but there were explanations for them. Alex had been running on fear and adrenaline, so of course there'd be blanks in her memory. And there had been an hour or so between when Larissa had been shot and when the team had grabbed Alex. The blood could've been cleaned off of her before the switch, "Amanda could've washed it off so we wouldn't panic."
"We've tried to stop enough people from bleeding out to know that that blood doesn't come out easily," Quietly, Sean negated. They had all been covered in enough people's blood to know that never washed out. It stained your skin and caked your fingernails. It would've been obvious if Alex had tried to stop someone's bleeding, even if she had been cleaned. Once again, there was no evidence of what Alex claimed had happened in South Ossetia, "Something else happened to Alex in that hospital. I don't know what, but she's definitely not the same. I mean, the things she says and does- about Nikki, about Danforth- that's not normal. She's not herself."
"She's me," Nikita muttered what Alex had told her earlier. Alex was acting just as she had when she had been rogue. Although that was odd, it didn't mean something was wrong with her. It only meant that Division and their war had completely destroyed who she was. Nikita had been afraid of that. When Alex had first infiltrated Division as her mole, she had been afraid that the young woman would lose who she was in the hellhole- Nikita had. Alex had sworn that she would be stronger than that, yet she had been wrong. Division devoured you eventually. It was finally Alex's turn.
"Right. Not normal," Sean didn't mean it as an insult. Yes, okay, he'd fully admit that his sister was weird and a bit of a freak. But that wasn't what he was talking about by saying Alex acting like her wasn't normal. Since he had known her, Alex had always been her own person. She learned from others and picked up ideas and habits, yet she was still her own strong, vibrant person. She would never make herself like someone else. She'd continue being her awesome, amazing, wonderful self. For her to change like that was just wrong.
Placing his hand on the small of his fiancée's back so she'd stop glaring at her brother, Michael found himself completely agreeing with Sean. Alex had been changed in South Ossetia, and not just by her experiences. That chair Sean had seen had to have been involved, "No. Sean's right. We should be concerned that Amanda did something to Alex. That should've been our first thought when we got her back. Amanda has a history of fucking with us in the worst possible ways whenever she has us captured. Alex didn't escape scotch free, no matter what the medical report says. Something happened, and I bet it has to do with that chair."
A part of Nikita wanted to agree with her brother and fiancé- a part of her wanted to blame Alex's recent behavior on something. However, it all seemed too circumstantial. So what if the chair had been in the same place Alex had been. That didn't mean she had been in it. She didn't show any of the signs that she had been, after all, "Like what? She still has all her memories, unlike Owen. And she wasn't tortured, unlike Birkhoff. So what else could Amanda have done with that chair?"
"What else could Amanda do with a needle to your brain?" Sean countered. Amanda had been known as the Inquisitor when she had been in Division. She had interrogation and torture tactics that went above and beyond what even the CIA could stomach. She also had a lie detector that worked better than a polygraph, drug cocktails that could lead someone through a revealing walking dream, and a way to suppress people's memories. If she already had all that in her arsenal, then what else could she do to fuck with someone's head. What other way could she psychologically scar someone.
"Alright. Nikita and I will talk to Owen and Birkhoff, see what else they can say about that chair. Sean, stay as close to Alex as possible. Wherever she goes, you go. If anything else is off, you tell us immediately. Just don't let her know what you're up to, or anyone else. This should stay between us," Michael ordered. He had a lot of different theories for what Amanda could've done to Alex, but he wouldn't narrow anything down until he had more information. The three were dealing with a delicate situation. They couldn't make things worse by not thinking before they acted.
"What are you thinking?" Nikita asked her fiancé to share before she followed his commands. She was becoming swayed by the theory that Amanda had done something to Alex in that God awful chair of hers- maybe that was what had opened her eyes and turned her into the rogue. Yet, she wanted to hear more theories about what was occurring. It wasn't as simple as Amanda fucking with Alex. The bitch had a scheme in place. Nikita, Michael, and Sean should figure out what that was along with what had been done to Alex.
"I'm thinking we're in a war and Amanda just deployed a new weapon," Michael admitted gravely. Whether it was Alex, or something else, Amanda had deprived another blow against Division. Michael, Nikita, and Sean needed to get to the bottom of what was occurring immediately. The strangeness couldn't continue to go unchecked. They needed to be suspicious; they needed to ask questions and gather information. But, mostly, they needed to stop things from becoming worse before someone- most likely Alex- got hurt.