1.
I looked up at the alcove which was now in front of us. It was a large, although fairly modest, building that was painted a drab white. Unlike so many buildings in Galalea, it had no graffiti on it, and none of its windows were broken. A dim, comforting light could be seen from within. It didn't appear that there was a service going on, perhaps only one or two people praying instead, and one of those would most likely be the priest. It appeared that we had been lucky with the timing of our arrival.
Selina knocked on the door. Moments later, a middle-aged, balding man wearing a green robe but no mask opened the door. His eyes grew wide when he saw us.
"Don't worry," purred Selina, "We're not here to rob you."
"Then what do you desire, my children?" the priest said, in a voice that was so quiet that I had trouble believing he could deliver sermons.
"We're here to be baptised into Miserysm," I said.
"Remove any weaponry or recording devices you may have and dispose of them in this bucket," commanded the priest.
We did so. The priest went over each of us with a metal detector, which did not beep at any of us.
"You may go in," he said, "Slap yourselves three times before you enter. It's our equivalent to crossing ourselves."
We did so, and were taken through a short hallway into a large, spacious room with hundreds of seats lined up row after row, in the middle of which was a pathway that could only hold two people walking side by side at a time. The priest led us through this pathway and onto the stage at the front of the room. He slapped himself while facing a few pictures of figures we didn't know, and then turned towards us, pointing towards the seats on the stage.
"Please be seated," he said. We were seated.
"If you wish to be baptised," said the priest, "You can book an appointment for this Thursday. You must understand, I can't suddenly assemble the full choir, assistants, and attendees all at once."
"That's understandable," purred Selina, "We'll book the appointment."
"I can do that," said the priest, "But before you decide to commit to our religion, I need to tell you the basics."
We nodded.
"First of all, are any of you two gay?"
"No," purred Selina.
"Same here," I said, "Why do you ask?"
"Our religion completely forbids any gay people from practising Miserysm," answered the priest.
"Why?" asked Selina.
The priest shrugged, "Because that's what our God Ferdinand says."
"What about bisexuals?" I asked.
"Completely forbidden as well," said the priest, "Speaking of which, are any of you...?"
"No," purred Selina.
"Definitely not," I agreed.
"Good. Now that that's out of the way, I need you two to say a little prayer before I bestow the sacred and true wisdom upon you. Repeat after me..."
Okay, I need to be honest here. I have completely forgotten the prayer. Oopsie.
"We Miserysts believe that our world is fundamentally a miserable place. No matter what your position in society is, feelings of misery are inevitable. It is our belief that these feelings cannot be defeated by humankind. We also believe that, since misery is inevitable and everyone receives it, although admittedly in differing amounts, then there is no point in refraining from causing other people misery. There is nothing morally wrong with such an act because it does not cause the receiver any harm that, if not them, then another person wouldn't have experienced some day anyway.
We Miserysts believe that there are three supernatural and all-powerful beings that are in constant war with each other. These beings are called Happiness, our God Ferdinand, and Misery. At the beginning of the universe, there only existed Happiness and Misery, which were in constant conflict with each other. However, on Earth, many years ago, there was born a babe that, when he emerged from his mother's womb, was not crying. In fact, this child experienced no feelings of sadness whatsoever, not when he was bitten by the Giant Serpent of Sodom, nor when he almost died of pneumonia. This child was so happy to the point of supernatural ability, and eventually, his happiness grew so abundant that he ascended to the heavens and became a being that is on par with Happiness and Misery, and this being represents and desires to save humanity. This being is our true Lord, the Ensnarer of Happiness, the Defeater of Misery, our God Ferdinand.
Now, when he ascended to the heavens, our God Ferdinand immediately defeated Misery with his supernatural happiness, ensnaring him inside the Pit of Despair, in which Misery still resides to this day, wishing to lure humans in with him in order to spite our God Ferdinand. The hedonists and humans who engage too much in life's pleasures will go there when they meet their deaths, such as those bratty billionaires, Borris and Bruce Wayne."
Selina and I looked at each other.
"While our God Ferdinand easily defeated Misery, ensnaring Happiness proved to be more challenging, because he too is happy. Therefore, in order to ensnare Happiness and become the one true ruler over humanity, he needs the help of humans back on Earth, which is where the Miserysts come in.
Our duty to our God Ferdinand is to make ourselves miserable, as well as others, in order to help him capture Happiness, because he will feed off the misery that we provide him with. The more the act creates misery for humans, the more helpful it is in our God Ferdinand's fight, and the more help you provide to him, the more likely it is you'll join him when he ensnares Happiness."
"So that's how they justify committing crimes," I thought.
"A couple of rules for when committing acts of misery:
1) You cannot commit acts of misery towards fellow Miserysts.
2) When committing acts of misery that are forbidden by society, or when one wishes to be discreet, one must wear a green robe and a mask with a dove above a tree on it. These two items are able to be purchased at the alcove store. Every Miseryst must own one of these.
3) The Miseryst must also own a journal in which they must record their acts of misery. A journal that is blessed by the priest and will therefore earn more favour with our God Ferdinand may be bought at the alcove store, but a regular journal can suffice.
4) In addition to committing acts of misery towards other people, a Miseryst must commit acts of misery towards themselves.
5) This involves avoiding extreme feelings of happiness, although muffled and limited expressions of happiness are allowed.
6) A Miseryst must also partake in a five-week period of fasting every year, where they are not allowed to do anything that brings them happiness.
7) A Miseryst must do a yearly confession with their priest, where they tell him the acts of misery that they have performed that year.
8) Suicide is permitted, although it is only accepted by our God Ferdinand if one is extremely miserable when one does it. Only our God Ferdinand can judge if you were miserable enough to join him, so it is a risk that we do not encourage.
Finally, attendance of a service is required at least once every month."
The priest looked at us, having finished his speech.
"Now, I know that's a lot to take in, so I'll give you a minute to process it and then you may ask me questions."
"Why a green robe and a mask with a dove above a tree on it?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
After all, this religion had murdered my parents, and I had just found out why.
"Doves, trees, and the colour green all symbolise the concept of peace. This in turn symbolises that we are giving peace to our victims, even while we are causing them misery, by allowing our God Ferdinand to ensnare Happiness."
I breathed in and out. Deep breaths.
"So, after hearing all of that, are you still willing to join the truth and to follow the light that is Miserysm?" asked the priest.
"Yes, we are," I said.
"Very well, then," said the priest, "I will write down your names and begin the preparations for baptism. Do you have any ID on you, such as a driver's licence?"
We showed him the fake ID we had prepared. He wrote down our fake names.
"You are now free to leave, my children," said the priest, "And I congratulate you on choosing the right path on which to continue your lives."
"Thank you very much," purred Selina, "We'll see you on Thursday."
When we were finally back on the streets I kicked a bin over to express my contempt.
"Fucking guy," I said, "Treating MY parents' deaths as a noble religious cause!"
"Calm down, Bruce," purred Selina, "You'll get your revenge soon."
"Jeremy Fox was clearly a Miseryst," I said, "But I guess that doesn't mean he was a murderer for certain. The person who murdered my parents, though, he was a murderer. And he murdered my parents."
I forced myself to calm down.
"I need to remind myself that I'm not primarily doing this for revenge," I said, "I'm doing this for the destruction of crime."
"We're going to be even more heavily involved with the Miserysts from now on," said Selina, "Do you think you'll be able to manage to control your anger around them?"
"Yes, I'll be fine," I said.
"Remember, if you mess up it could compromise the mission. You need to focus on the larger picture at hand."
"Yes, I got it."
"Good."
We walked past the street where we had been approached by the newly-converted Miserysts.
"In a city such as Gotham, no wonder people are attracted to extremist causes," I said, "It's what living in Gotham makes a person do in order to cope with the fear."
"And, ironically, it just perpetuates the problem," purred Selina.
"Yeah," I agreed, "But still, I think we did a good job today."
"We did!" miaowed Selina, "I think we make a great team."
"Catwoman and the Masked Man," I laughed, "We sound like a '90s kids' show!"
Selina snorted, "Now that you mention it, I can't unsee that image."
"Let's get some $200 ice-cream to celebrate. We stopped over a dozen rapists from causing anyone harm ever again, and found out some key information that's going to help us topple a major criminal force in Gotham City. I think we've earned it."
"Sure," purred Selina, "Why not?"
We went past the street in which we had tied up the attempted assaulters. The area in which we had tied up the criminals was now blocked off with yellow tape, with a handful of police officers surrounding it. The actual men themselves were obviously no longer there, instead most likely in a prison cell awaiting the sweet hand of justice in retribution for their actions, and we decided to not go into the street itself because of how suspicious we appeared, and because the police officers might recognise Catwoman.
We went past the broken-down fire station, and past the broken-down school, and I was once again reminded of the injustice of living in Gotham. It wasn't just the capitalist system that had torn these institutions apart in Galalea, as Selina claims. The crime bosses who haul up billions of dollars and don't pay their taxes are also to blame. Even in a capitalist society, that school and that fire station would still be running smoothly if they hadn't been in Gotham and had actually received the funding from taxes to be able to put a bit more money into appearances and equipment. Now, I can't fix the societal system, but I can fix the crime bosses, and I fucking will. Even if it takes my entire life to do so.
We went past the street in which we had met the Joker, and I was reminded of the impact that my parents had and still have on Gotham. My mother saved that man from an entire life in an asylum and (mostly) took away his murderous tendencies. It gives me hope that I can do the same to Gotham.
We went onto the train and left Galalea for Grenty, a much wealthier district. There I bought Selina and myself a $200 ice-cream each, the short-term reward of our labours today. And the ice-cream tasted delicious.