Chapter Two

Little Blue Notebook

Sean arrived home after school and therapy. Immediately after sitting down, he opened up his backpack. The plan was to begin some of the homework for the day before his appointment and later his date with Emma. When he went to grab his history textbook, he saw he had stashed Emma's notebook at lunch. He never crossed paths with her after that time so it was still in his possession.

Sean contemplated the contents of what he could only assume to be a notebook filled with notes. Could it be a diary? An agenda book? What he didn't know is that was the inner workings of the girl he is pretending to be with, it was her diary. He held it in his hands, even if it was a diary it didn't have a lock on it. He decided in his head to make a pro and con list. He started with the cons such as opening it would be like opening a can of worms that can't be undone. It'd be a huge betrayal for him to read her innermost thoughts, and would break one of the cardinal rules which are no secrets kept between them. It would spell the end of their arrangement. She'd also hate him, most likely.

It's supposed to be private and he found more cons than pro's but his stubbornness and curiosity got the best of him. He figures she doesn't have to know about this. It might help him know what she likes a little more, and what goes on in her head something he was often curious about. He recognized the handwriting on the very first page and panicked and as fast as he opened it he slammed it shut. when his eyes scanned the first line, it was most definitely Emma's handwriting.

As he sat at the desk where the little blue book sat, he stared at the front cover for a long time. Despite the fact he was alone in the privacy of his own home he felt strange even wrong about invading her privacy. He also figured, the diary is personal and she was likely panicking that she lost it or, it fell into untrustworthy hands or someone with malevolent intentions. He muttered to himself, "Ah fuck it," reopened the book, and dove right in.

Dear Diary,

Damnit, he thought to himself, it was a diary. When he scanned the page for the dates, it read: October 15th, 2003. He remembered that time in his life, but he didn't know exactly its meaning and significance if any. He wasn't sentimental unless it was in regards to Emma in his past, but he had to be if he was going to play this doting boyfriend who is ripped straight out of a young adult romance novel which is nauseating to him. He took a deep breath and exhaled before reading the rest of the entry or paragraph. It appears she started the diary while they were still together but they were fading.

First, it was some stuff about her dad and meeting him for the first time. Sean remembered when she asked him and he couldn't be bothered because he knew he had a class he couldn't skip. He felt guilty at the time even though he figured they sorted that out and had a tinge at the moment here. He skimmed downward and saw his own name come up.

I wish I knew what to do about Sean these days. I remember the butterflies, the romance, and now I feel like I'm losing him. I hate our class schedule I hardly see him. He also was late to the SITE meeting. At least he helped clean up so he gets a pass. Take last week, I don't want to be like a bitch but I could've used his company going to meet my dad and he couldn't be bothered. Of all people. I'm glad he takes school seriously and all, but we are so not on the right page these days. I want to make it right.

It was a bit humorous for Emma to use the word bitch, he'd never heard her curse out loud before. He supposes she feels free in her diary to express things she typically wouldn't speak about to people. He appreciated that she thought of him, and wanted to pursue the task of working things out he figured there'd be more but at that moment he decided to close the book.

He didn't overthink it. He thought back to their first date, which he overthought a lot. He recalls borrowing Tracker's turtleneck sweater and cologne, and practicing how he'd ask her in front of a mirror and the conversation they'd have. Expectations didn't match reality, their date was a total disaster and this time, it wasn't going to be. Circumstances were different, they're older now, they're grown, matured even. He thought he'd be himself and remain calm. He was in an alright mood.

Before the date, he had an appointment for his therapy and he knew because with Naomi it was a longer first session. He prepared to speak but he wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about. He and his therapist discussed his coping mechanisms both healthy and unhealthy, and that at best he realized sometimes he can be his own worst critic and enemy. They worked on some thought-stopping exercises and did an interest inventory where she could get to know him better and she asked him a perplexing question that stood out to him about Emma whose name had slipped during the session in regards to his temper. He talked about the past and she asked him about her and all he said was, "She's a friend of mine."

It wasn't a lie even if they were going along with the whole fake relationship ordeal it was the truth. He didn't want to lie to this new therapist when asked about her he added, "She was more than that but now we're just friends." Unfortunately for Sean, the therapist Megan went down the harrowing topic about the shooting which was the entire reason he was there and he was honest when he told her he felt like or knew he had to do something, and unbeknownst to him perhaps there was a deep underlying reason he had sprung into action that day. Yet, he doesn't see it that way.

For him It was instinctual, someone was at risk, and she was a friend even if they weren't speaking much at the time. It was like the time he pushed Craig out of the way of the train a few years ago, he knew it was bad, but he also knew he had to do something and take action before someone was seriously hurt. He'd be lying though if despite everything he still cared for her, and didn't want to see her hurt or in that case dead or critically injured.

The whole truth was, Emma was his very first love, he'd never deny that. Emma was also before that, his first friend at Degrassi. She was the only person who at first didn't look at him like he was a bad kid, and even if their romantic relationship ended the way it did at least he was able to make it right by her. So much time had gone by that it was safe to say their friendship will stay intact. Megan and Sean spent the majority of the session of her discussing how important it is to express and use his words instead of his fists or resorting to outbursts of anger when things don't go the way he'd like.

He didn't tell his therapist just yet about the locker incident after Ellie rejected him, but he couldn't hide the dent and the evidence that someone will inevitably notice at school tomorrow. He'll likely get detention for it. Perhaps Ms. Hatzilacos will be lenient even though he knows he's been in worse trouble with Mr. Raditch when he was principal.

When Sean arrived back home, he got undressed, he looked in his closet and found a dark blue shirt and laid it out on his bed, then rummaged through his remaining bags where he had stashed his clean socks and underwear he had yet to unpack. He finished getting ready he looked into the dirty and dusty mirror in his room and decided he looked decent.

xxxxx

Since Emma told him not to be late, he arrived at Bennett Park early, he paced a bit before finding a bench. Emma arrived a few minutes later but he didn't notice at first. He couldn't stop thinking about the blue notebook, he had forgotten to bring with him. He's still as curious as he was earlier that day when he first picked it up. He picked up some flowers at the florist that denote friendship for the occasion, yellow roses. He couldn't take all the credit, he asked the florist what was best for friendship.

Emma kept quiet about her outing with Sean to Manny. She didn't really know what to wear for their first outing, so she found a little black dress in her closet that she dressed down with a denim jacket. She put a little lapel pin of a flower she found at one of those antique shops on the main street over the summer. As she got dressed she thought it was funny how she wasn't nervous at all. She was taking this not seriously as Sean, even if he went to great lengths to make this happen even if his heart isn't in it she's not quite as optimistic in this department.

She doesn't want to have a bruised reputation or worse a broken heart. Her Achilles of caring too much about what people think and obsession with perfection has caused her to rarely jump and lunge at chances like this looking before she leaps and even dragging her feet a bit. While she feels secure over the failed romance they shared, it took her time to grieve the loss but she figured she'll be open to the idea, "Sean?"

"Hey Em." Sean picked up the flowers on the bench and stood up, "uh these are for you." She smelled the roses and politely thanked him for the gesture. Although she was perplexed she was thankful for the gift. He complimented, "You look nice."

"Thanks. If we're doing this, we're surely dressing the part," Emma beamed before she took a seat on the bench. "You know yellow roses are my favorite? So what do we have planned for the evening?"

"I guess more of what we discussed earlier." She made a skeptical face, "over a game of pool at the billiards?"

They walked from the park to the pool hall. When they arrived it wasn't the typical crowd, Jay or Spinner who were frequent visitors weren't around which gives them time to cultivate.

As they walked they discussed more of their arrangement, Sean suggested, "Well we can make up that you've been thinking of me since you left, I came back and we dramatically collided in the hallway and I helped you pick up your books and the rest is history?"

"Meh, seems sorta stupid." Emma began setting up the table by putting the balls in the triangular object, "how about we talked over lunch and had a good chat? We have eyewitnesses. You asked me out, I said yes and then here we are end of the story. KISS - keep it simple, stupid. Otherwise too many things going on make it pretty obvious it's a lie."

He shook his head somewhat amused, "You and your mnemonic devices. Some things never change."

She laughed, "Shut up, you'll learn to get used to it, that is if we want to actually do this."

"I want to," He lowered his voice, "So that's what we're gonna tell people?"

"Maybe keep the part in where you were pining all summer for me? It's quite flattering and makes it a little believable. Not to mention cute, you know for Manny's sake. She's single and she likes hearing about romance, she's constantly reading those YA novels."

"YA? What is that?"

"Young adult," He made a face, "Oh you know, picture a romantic comedy in a book."

"Like that Shakespeare shit?" When it comes to Sean, it was no secret he wasn't a big reader; unless it was a necessity for school. He likes the occasional motorcycle or car magazine. He especially hates old-world literature, such as the books he felt forced to read in class. Regretting then he was reminded about the light reading he had done earlier that evening in Emma's diary. Who even calls it that? he wondered to himself thinking most girls are a mystery and why are they so far and away different from one another which makes this plan even more interesting to him. "Do you read?"

"I dabble, but I find it incredibly unrealistic and all. Sometimes I'll set out to read something and it ends up collecting dust on the shelf. Honestly rather write stuff or knit."

"Oh, so what do you write?"

"Poems mostly but not much of anything."

"And knitting, since when?"

"Since I met my dad." She answered it was somewhat a sore subject since they don't see each other as often as they used to. He got moved to another facility, one that specializes in his condition better than the place he was in. He has often shuffled around from hospital to hospital but that was his longest place. The upside there are more people he can interact with, whereas on the other he was mostly isolated. When he was still sort of close by in Stouffville which was a hike they bonded that way. "He uh taught me everything I know." She offered a smile and a slight giggle to break the sadness in the conversation, "I can knit you a hat or a scarf if you'd like. I'm not very good though."

"Eh maybe," Sean swallowed hard as guilt came over him and confessed, "I should've come with, to go meet your dad."

"It's alright. Wouldn't change a thing about how it all happened no matter how chaotic or weird."

He knew it had to of bothered her because he stupidly read her raw entry. He felt like a jerk. A jerk for not going and a jerk for reading the stupid diary entry.

Before, Sean heard the whole story, which was initially one thing but turned out to be another thing entirely. It affected Emma more than he realized which is why her and Simpson's relationship is so up and down because she never really knew her biological father it was always before him, Emma and Spike. When they finally met and Emma even showed him a photo Craig snapped of them meeting for the first time. She told him how he didn't recognize that Emma had grown and aged. Shane was under the impression she didn't want him in his life it was quite the opposite. "I should've been there though, I mean you were on a train in a different town what if, what if something bad happened?"

"It's not that serious, jeez you're starting to sound like a real boyfriend."

His eyes widened, and inside he found himself questioning if he was doing things right. Finally lightening up and vibing the rest of the conversation with, "I'm supposed to aren't I?"

"Yes, yes you are. Well played." Emma turned around and looked at the finished set-up table, "So I haven't played in a long time, how do we start?"

"You got us set up, you know how to do that at least," he went against the wall and grabbed two pool sticks for each of them. He gave her hers, "For you, ladies first."

"Well alright then," she began to set up her aim, she hit the white ball but didn't have the form she was comical to watch. She wasn't confident in it, but she managed to break up the balls that she lined up and got the striped orange ball in. "Guess I'm stripes you're solids."

"Yep," Seconds later, Sean set himself up next and got a solid ball in the pocket. "You're up."

Emma set herself up, still the same and she didn't make a shot this time, "Oh well better luck next time. So what did you do this summer?"

"As for me, not much, therapy once a week, working out, I got this rinky-dink job selling water ice and jet skies, swimming at the beach in the ocean. I got myself a laptop, the honest way I saved up."

"Sounds nice, the beach and the ocean part," Emma told him, "It was a quiet summer for me, Manny and I hung out a lot of sun tanning at the pool."

"You two do almost everything together. I wish I had a best friend."

"After all is said and done, I'll be your best friend." She smirked and then questioned, Aren't you and Craig friends? What about Jay, I thought he was your best friend?"

"Well yeah but we all grew apart. Moving away that shit happens, it's inevitable." As Sean said that, Craig and Ellie an unexpected pairing walked into the billiards, she was wearing a shirt that suggested she works there. Sean didn't know the details and pretended not to care. He could hear her tell him thanks for dropping her off. He assumed their friends, after all, he knew from the letters and phone calls they shared last year that they go to group therapy together. "Whatever, I had no idea she works here."

"Interesting, but not a big deal. Just stay focused, so how on earth are we so honky dory?" Emma asked him, "I mean we weren't necessarily friends before you moved back to Wasaga?"

"No, but, I think circumstances being what they were we kind of buried whatever hatchet we were holding onto." They continued their casual conversation while playing. Sean wanted to see Emma do better at the game and make the first move toward their rouse, so he said, "Let me show you how."

He got behind her and guided her next shot. She smelt of honey vanilla and memories, just as always but it was comforting. Comforting so much so that he tried to get distracted. He knew how it all looked to bystanders but she remained ultra-focused on hitting the ball. Uncomfortably, he moved the stick in the direction she needed and she got it into the corner pocket, "I did it!" As he moved aside, she excitedly hopped up and down and pulled him into a hug impulsively, "Finally, thanks for your help." As soon as she realized what she had done, she disengaged the hug and quickly changed the subject, "Okay you're up."

"No that was good, it's working," Sean whispered. He saw Ellie from across the room glaring with squinted eyes at them and then when he looked over again scoffing into the back room for whatever reason. It's working. It's getting to her he thought to himself. "I'm sort of thirsty. You want anything my treat?"

"I'll take a coke."

Sean rang the bell a few times on the counter to be sort of annoying but also to get her attention, and Ellie returned to her post, "What do you want?" She realized quickly she was at work and she backtracked a little more pleasant, "I mean, what can I get for you?" She happened to see it was definitely a date because, on the stool beside the pool table, Emma's purse with yellow flowers was beside Emma.

"I'll take 2 cokes," Sean ordered his drinks, and he spoke calmly, yet confidently without coming off like a jerk.

"Ice?"

"Yes please."

"Medium or large? Ellie asked Sean, less than enthused to be dealing with him, especially after earlier and what she saw as she pointed to the different-sized cups.

"Medium, I guess," Desperately to make conversation he asked, "So you work here?"

"What gives it away?" She asked pointing to her red shirt and name tag and being behind the beverage counter. He should've known she would've gone with the sarcastic route, "It's a living. The cokes are two dollars."

After filling them, she gave him his sodas and he subtly eyed the tip jar he put in the change and she thanked him. As he was turning around she asked, "You and Emma look cozy. Care to explain?"

"What's it to you, El?" he pretended not to care but it was obvious at least to her he still did, he then added to add insult to injury without being rude to her, and added in the rouse to the conversation, "It just sort of happened that Em, and I got to talking today at lunch and we're having fun together. Look, I got to go back over there I'll see you around." Ellie didn't reply and instead just continued to watch their so-called date unfold from afar. They played around two games, it took everything in him to not look at Ellie to see her reaction. She didn't want a play-by-play. She just didn't understand why one minute Sean wants her back and now he was with Emma Nelson.

After they finished a few games of pool, and they were about to leave, Emma reached for Sean's hand. Emma knew full well Ellie was in view, he hesitated and then intertwined their hands together as they walked out hand in hand Sean stole a last glance as he and Emma left.

Once they were outside, they talked casually but excitedly he announced, "She totally saw that, did you see her face?" Even though it was morally absent he felt guilty he didn't want Emma to know or feel bad but he couldn't help himself. The plan was seemingly working. "Emma you're a genius."

"She looked so salty and pissed, but doesn't she usually that way?"

"I mean usually she looks that way, yeah, but all I know is that we got to her."

"Maybe we won't need to go all the way to Spring Fling after all? You might get a chance yet."

"Well have to see tomorrow what happens," Sean answered wanting to keep the elaborate rouse up, until he gets a definite confirmation that she wants to work things out.

They continued talking about ideas as they headed towards Emma's for their fake relationship, and Emma seemed concerned and got quiet.

As they were walking she turned to him and said, "I don't want you to hurt her. I thought this was about romancing her. Remember we made those rules?"

"Em, don't worry we both have this under control."

"I feel kind of bad," Emma remarked and questioned him, "don't you?"

"Now she knows, it's going to be fine and besides she's a lot stronger than you realize. It got to her but it's not gonna bother her that much."

"I hope we didn't ruin it all straight out the gate and now it's all gonna end up bad."

"We didn't trust me," Sean muttered confidently, "it's only just the beginning."

When they arrived at Emma's she slowly walked backward and rhetorically said, "welp, this is me. I had a nice time tonight."

"Likewise, Em. Thanks for going along with this. I know it's not ideal but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the company."

"You're not too bad yourself." She remarked as she walked toward him, he slowly inched toward her. They stood together unsure who was going to break the tension or the silence. "I know we aren't about to kiss here."

Sean without missing a beat kissed her cheek, "see you tomorrow, girlfriend." Emma was unsure about the gesture but didn't say anything as he turned around and walked away. She walked up the steps to her house and through the front door.

xxxx

Emma was at her locker in the morning. The halls were somewhat crowded before the bell so she was working as fast as she could to get her books and lock up. As Emma shut the door to her locker, of all people Ellie was beside her. She cooed, "Emma Nelson, just the girl I wanted to see."

Off guard, she paused before she answered, "Ellie, what's up?"

"Eh not much, oh nothing." Emma wasn't stupid or needed convincing, she knew she had at least gotten to her.

She was standing here trying to confront her, "What did you want to talk about? If it's about Student Council you know Liberty doesn't like to discuss things after the meeting."

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?" Emma asked Ellie curiously.

"So, what's the deal with you and Sean?"

She knew this is when the lights turn on and she has to pretend, she was plain with her delivery. "He asked me out for pool. It was a nice night." She instinctively and decisively kept quiet about the arrangement, even though she had some misgivings about it. She also left out their relationship status. She played it off well.

Ellie doubled down on even her own out-of-character behavior, "Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, he tried to work things out with me yesterday. We could possibly be getting back together. So sorry it's probably not gonna work out."

"Maybe he was just trying to extend an olive branch."

Shaking her head she answered, "No, it was clear. I don't know, Emma. I didn't think sloppy seconds was your style."

Emma finally had enough, it wasn't all on her. She hated this kind of drama and it wasn't a good look for her. "Look, I know you and Sean had a messy breakup, and I'm aware you guys broke on shitty terms and I see you're jealous. Sean and I went on one date, get over it."

She seethed clutching her books to her chest and then walked down another hallway without another word. Ellie couldn't believe she resorted to a Paige-like tactic out of a teen film like Mean Girls and she didn't consider herself a plastic quite the opposite. She couldn't help it she was mad. She also was trying to be concerned that she thought Emma was being taken for a ride but she could take care of herself.

If Emma wants to play that way, she figured it was not worth the fight. If Sean's not playing Emma, she figures maybe they did legitimately find their way back to each other's lives. She reasoned within her head, people take back exes a lot of the time, and as far as she knew none of them were unfaithful to each other so no major dealbreakers so it's not that farfetched. Who is she to stand in the way of what she could only believe is true love? He did defend her from Rick, which is an action that speaks a lot.

"What's with her?" Manny joined Emma a little late as they both walked to the MI room from the lockers.

"She's just mad about my date last night."

She playfully nudged her, "You went out on a date and didn't tell me? Em!"

"Ow!" She reacted to Manny's nudge, "Sorry, it's just it kind of happened."

"Well, who's the mystery man? Let me guess. I take it you finally talked to cute blond Peter?"

"Negative." Emma happened to look Sean's way and he smirked and Emma turned back to Manny. She then looked at Peter who was logging into a computer.

"Oh, my god. Sean Cameron? You're kidding. Ah, I knew first loves never die. You have to give me details pronto."

"He gave me yellow roses, casual and we went to the pool hall."

"I swear I'm living vicariously through you, did you guys kiss? Was there tongue? You gotta throw me a bone, I'm dying!"

Before Emma could answer, Sean walked over making conversation and putting on another put-on for the masses. He smirked, "hey I forgot something last night."

"And what might that be?" Emma asked uneasily thinking he had something she left behind like a hair tie or a wallet but it wasn't that. Unexpected to her Sean combed her hair behind her ear and planted a kiss on her lips. He lingered there for a while, she smiled in the kiss and reciprocated the grand gesture, causing a little bit of a commotion and stir in homeroom. It looked real, it felt like a kiss but they aren't into it in their heart of hearts, but no one had to know that.

"I'll see you later on."

Emma nodded wordlessly and looked at Manny who was delighted at the display of affection, "that was too cute! Look at you guys."

"There you have it." She replied confidently but deep down she felt sort of embarrassed. She wasn't big on the PDA but she did like revealing their big plan and putting it in motion. She had to act like they were mutual so sneaking glances and texting between classes so they meet up between periods. When they were alone they weren't at all affectionate or emotionally invested but when eyes were on them they were unable to keep their hands to themselves.

"As much as I love romance as much as the next guy just keep hands and lips to yourselves in my homeroom is all I ask." Mr. Simpson had to calm down the class chatter and uproar at the display, "so on that note, Sean sees me after class." He also shot Emma a glare before beginning roll call. "Let's get started, Van Zandt?"

"Present." She turned her attention to Liberty. Emma saw Liberty give her the thumbs up in a subtle way below the computers where Mr. Simpson couldn't see. Peter saw what happened but didn't react in the way Emma wanted to. She leaned over and whispered, "that was the single most romantic thing I ever saw, really Emma. Sean's a catch."

Emma deep down was laughing because no one is the wiser in the situation on day one.

So what are you dating my daughter?"

After homeroom Simpson grilled Sean about the PDA in his classroom, especially with his stepdaughter. "

Sean felt uncomfortable lying to his face but it was all simply part of the act, and he was already knee-deep in the relationship or lack thereof, not backing out now, "Yeah, I like her."

"I don't want it to be like before if you guys don't work out again. I had to nurse a broken heart and you know the whole thing with the laptop." He supposed and knew firsthand how to hurt Emma was the last time they broke up and while this relationship looks the part it's simply a fantasy. "Just don't tell Emma I guess you know how she is. She'd hate it if you knew."

Sean feigned being tough about the whole ordeal but it sort of hurt him to know the details from another perspective, "So why are you telling me this?"

"I just want you to know as a concerned dad, okay? I don't want to see her hurt. I need to be able to trust she'll be okay. That you won't turn on her."

"Either way she'll be okay but you don't have to worry about that, alright? It's not going to be like before."

"You better head out before you're late to class. But why I wanted to really rank is I took over your case when Mr. Elh retired at the end of the year. I'll still be willing to help with student welfare get you that appeal and get you reinstated if you want me to."

Sean bashfully and politely wanted to decline, "Mr. Simpson you don't have to."

"I have a few rules and conditions but I want to do this. You always told me you want to graduate and we can do this. No pressure just give me your answer after our 7th-period class."

"Sounds good, thanks, sir." He was just thinking of all the ways he's screwed in this situation with Mr. Simpson if he becomes truly in charge. He tried not to panic or show it as he walked out of the classroom and into the halls to his next class, which was his bread and butter auto shop. He knows he'll have no choice but to talk to him later and sign the papers, "We will talk later. We have to act fast you know I don't want those funds to dry out."

Emma and Sean before the final bell were the talks of the school. Everyone was talking about the kiss in homeroom this morning and by lunch, they had an audience. Ellie had hurt and hard feelings, but she tried not to let it show. Emma could've been her but she wasn't willing to forgive his departure and the way they left things. How could Emma? She was knowledgeable of how their romance ended with a tense argument where they were hurtful to themselves and to each other even if he didn't let it show. So she reasons with it being genuine and Emma not being who she thought she was.