Chapter Three

Never Have I Ever

Sean arrived home and tossed his backpack on the ground. He went into the fridge and took out a can of coke reached into the freezer to get out ice, and poured himself a glass. It was his afternoon ritual. He also had a snack of some pretzels straight out of the package and observed the stupid blue notebook he keeps forgetting to return. A taunting reminder of how impulsive and curious he was about it. He cursed under his breath before sitting again at the kitchen table and sitting in the still somewhat broken chair and leaning forward in it as he read. The first line of the next entry started:

I'm livid beyond livid. You really think you know somebody and it throws you for a loop or at least steals your sick stepfather's laptop. I have no proof, my heart is not only broken but disgusted I ever associated with Sean Cameron. I hate that I ever loved someone like him. I hate myself for falling for him. He wasn't always this way. I hate his new friends and the feelings are mutual and I don't care what he does anymore. I know it'll pass but right now I hate him for this. It's worse being disappointed than hateful so perhaps it's the betrayal that did it for me. He is purged.

He felt bad when he did it more than he let on and he still feels guilty when he thinks about it. He never admitted but she knew all along and he didn't know if she ever was told the truth or if it was left between him and Simpson. Speaking of Simpson, he met with him earlier and signed the papers for student welfare which will keep him afloat for a bit perhaps add to his meager pickings in his fridge.

He hated rehashing the past, and that's simply why he left things as they were for a long time because he hates that level of confrontation. Now he only ended up hurting himself by reading all that even if they were in a much better place at this time as friends he feels weird. He decided to open up his laptop and open up his IM when he saw Emma was online. He had to get rid of this notebook or in this case diary and his conscience is pushing him to.

whocares: hey can i talk to you?

sparklespaz: hey what's up? Not that busy why?

whocares: nada much aside from that u?

sparklespaz: homework for kwan ? and tearing apart my room I can't find my notebook anywhere! but i most likely lost it which kinda sucks but its whatever

whocares: b4 i forget 2 tell u forgot your notebook at lunch the other day i picked it up

whocares: if you wanna stop over after hw you're welcome to come over

sparklespaz: you're a lifesaver you know I've been going crazy trying to find it!

sparklespaz: you didn't read it right?

whocares: no way why would I do that it's private lol

sparklespaz: good (:

sparkespaz: I'll come after I eat dinner. how about 630?

whocares: 630 is fine ttyl I g2g finish my hw too

sparklespaz: ty for picking it up again cya later

whocares was away at 4:00 PM.

sparklespaz was away at 4:00 PM.

Emma was called for dinner. She ventured upstairs and took her usual seat at the dinner table with her mom, little brother, and Snake. Spike asked as she multitasked placing some salad onto her plate and passing the bowl to Snake, "How was your day honey?"

"It was uneventful honestly."

Mr. Simpson was quick to chime in, "She's being modest, she and Sean are back together."

Spike was delighted as she'd always liked Sean even if their last dinner didn't go well. Just then, Emma put down her fork and shot Snake a disapproving glare before saying, "I don't want to get my hopes up about it. We kissed and we were spending time together. It's new and I don't want it getting messed up."

"Okay okay, we won't discuss it." Snake quipped as he plated some sides onto his dinner plate. All dinner long, they had a typical family discussion about everyone's days.

Spike chided Emma about her relationship that seems all too real for her considering, "If you and Sean are gonna date though, remember the basement door must be open is all I ask when he comes over."

"We're not doing this right now. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear it."

"You guys aren't twelve and thirteen anymore or kids, it's a more than reasonable request." Spike just irrationally worries and doesn't want Emma to end up like her or have a scare herself. Emma covered her ears and closed her eyes, she didn't want to hear all this. Spike even asked where Sean's parents were and Snake announced he took on Sean's case because the initial teacher who was head of his case retired. "Okay, that's all, Em you can open your eyes. I just wanted you to listen to me is all." Spike added noticing Emma's visible discomfort.

After a minute of awkward tense conversation, Emma silently acknowledged and continued to eat her dinner and let the conversation flow. It was mostly about her salon and how the girl who sweeps the hair is unreliable and constantly late and or calling out, Snake is talking about motherboards. Emma got up and they hardly noticed, she rinsed off her cleared plate and announced to her parents, "I'm going to Sean's."

Spike turned to Emma and smiled, "Home by ten. It's a school night."

Normally, Emma would have to explain where she was going and why but not this time. Sean was trustworthy in their family and even if he got drunk the first time they formally met for dinner but years have gone by since then. She went to the hook to grab her sweater and shut the door behind her as she arrived at his house.

Once Emma was at Sean's, she saw there were three or four bells with unique labels and varying fonts from the previous tenants as well as current tenants. She saw next to apartment 2 read Cameron written on a piece of tape. She rang that bell it sounded almost like a buzzer. Seconds later, Sean opened the door he was happy to see her, "Hey, come in."

She silently observed the dark hallway and followed him to the door of his apartment. When they opened the door it appeared that he had cleaned up the clutter a bit for his guest. Not like it mattered to Sean, it still looked like a dump. "Make yourself comfortable and can I grab you a drink?"

"Sure, whatever you have is fine." Sean walked to the kitchen and opened his old-fashioned white fridge. He saw he had some cans of coke, chocolate milk, and some beer but he figured she would've gone with the coke so he did too. Emma took off her sweater as it was warm, and sat down on the living room couch. Sean wasn't a big drinker anyhow and neither was Emma so it worked out better. "Thank you."

"All good," Sean opened the can and took a sip, before turning to her, "so how your parents take it?"

"Oh, they're surprisingly cool with the fact we're back," Emma casually used air quotes to describe, "together". He managed a chuckle. "She got all parental on me about the whole door must be open. I'm surprised they like even allowed me to come over here, Snake knows your parents don't live here."

"Hence one of the many reasons I moved back, I went from endless privacy to none. I like it."

"So where's my notebook."

Sean walked over to the kitchen table and passed it over to her, and she put it on the couch beside her, "Is that the only reason you're here?"

"No."

"Bring back any memories?" Sean asked subtly. He wanted to make sure this wasn't real to her.

"Of course it does, we spent a lot of time here."

Sean and Emma spent a lot of the summer between grade eight and grade nine in this apartment. Tracker worked a lot of long hours so it was almost perfect. They'd order a large double cheese pizza, and partake in cuddling, as they watched countless DVD's together. They'd talk a lot, and laugh a lot and she'd be lying if she didn't miss it before things got weird, strained, broken, and then awkward. Even now, she'd say they're still awkward, even and especially with this arrangement. He would share the sentiment if he wasn't so wrapped up in getting back to what he and Ellie called normalcy.

They can never look back without thinking things like what if things didn't get that way? If they'd ever get back to a place where any of those things could remotely happen to be a plausible possibility. Even this arrangement pales in comparison because it's so unreal. The feelings of a romantic nature might have faded, or the ship had sailed on true love. The sentimental aspect of their former relationship still exists between Sean and Emma no matter how hard they had tried to shield themselves from it or deny it. They simply cannot change or undo the past.

"If you didn't have dinner already I'd say we order a pie for old-time sake from Lorenzo's."

"I'll never pass up a slice even if I ate."

"Then it's settled, I'm starving, it shouldn't be long." Sean picked up his cordless phone off its charging port and ordered them a pizza for delivery.

Awkwardly, Emma's right leg bounced as he ordered and shortly after hanging up, she couldn't really help it. When she's around Sean her mind keeps wanting to confess as if she'd done something wrong already in her head.

It had been a strange forty-eight hours, to say the least. Between the proposal of this entire fake dating thing, the date itself, and now casually ordering a pizza for both of them. To anyone who did know the truth, they'd find it strange. Sean asked knowing she was a little off questioned, "You alright?"

She nodded, "It's just -"

"Let me guess, awkward?" She nodded, "it doesn't have to be and soon it won't be."

"What makes you say that?"

"I just know, the more time we spend together cultivating the image of Mr. and Miss. High School and becoming united in our goals it doesn't have to be awkward between us."

"Maybe we can break the ice with a game or something so it's not so businessy."

"We're friends, Em it's not that businessy, but you're right, we should do just that while we wait for the pizza."

"Okay?" Emma asked out loud. She sat down on the brown floral couch.

Sean elaborated, "We're friends, you and me. It's not just about acting and that's part of the reason I invited you over. I want to establish it's not just about getting exactly what we want but also about how important you are to me as far as friends go. It does make for a great cover story that we hang out with one another."

"It's mutual, we're friends. I kind of figured you wouldn't ask a complete stranger to be a stand-in for a girlfriend. Emma answered snarkish but not in a cruel way, "okay so game time, you first with never have I ever?"

"We might need a beer for this." Sean replied humored, "and I've got almost a fridge full."

"Okay, I'll take one." Sean got up to give them two beers in one hand he removed the bottlecap and gave one to Emma with his keyring, "Thanks." Emma wasn't a big drinker. She pretended to like the taste when she took her first sip and placed it on the coaster beside her.

He removed his cap and first took a sip before putting his hands up with five of his fingers up, "I'll go first um never have I ever worn makeup."

Emma quickly put a finger down, "Of course, easy." She thought to herself as she fumbled through her brain for something she hadn't done, "never have I ever been to the United States."

"Never even been out of the country. Never really been much of anywhere." Sean kept his fingers up teasingly before he finally gave her one to digest. "Okay, never have I ever had a random regretful hookup." He honestly didn't think she did but wanted to see her squirm a bit.

Emma debated with herself whether to put that finger down, so she hesitated for a moment the truth was she did. After all, Jay and Emma's little trip to the van in the ravine qualified. She hated lying but she hated the truth all the more. Is lying by omission still lying?

She didn't want Sean of all people to know about it. Quite frankly, she didn't want anybody to know, she hoped it gets buried for all time and she was honestly surprised he'd even ask such a thing. She hoped silently that Jay never managed to share that factoid with Sean, and he'd be stupid to, considering they are friends. It meant nothing to either of them so it should go in the vault and rightfully so. She already felt stupid tenfold for the entire thing, even if she felt abandoned, alone, and traumatized. She felt funny lying, so she put her finger down innocently.

His eyes widened, and she observed it with Sean a little surprised and she didn't say anything else on the subject. The less he knew the better she thought to herself and simply kept her comments to herself. For some reason despite everything, she didn't want him of all people to know for a host of reasons and she truthfully hated who it was with and would like very much to forget it even happened. If ever had a list of regrets that would be number one with a bullet. She feared and didn't want to know what would happen to their newly cemented friendship or how he'd react if he ever found out.

Emma now had two down and three fingers up, he finally broke the silence, "Who was it? Do I know him?"

"It doesn't matter, it was a long time ago and besides I'd rather not talk about it."

"It's just unexpected, was he a good kisser?"

"Can we just get off the subject and go on to the next? Never have I ever driven a car."

Sean put a finger down, he wanted to know more but he let it go and didn't press her for more details now. Emma took a sip of her beer. She honestly felt like she needed it. Sean finally quipped, "Never have I ever um darn. Um never have I ever had a fake ID."

Emma left her remaining fingers up, "Never have I ever made the first move"

"I call bullshit, Em. You asked me to dance when we were in grade seven. The first time we met."

"Okay, fine. I kind of ran out of these to tell you the truth." Emma responded humored by his memory. "What other sorts of things do you remember?"

"Lots of things, Em. You're in a lot of my favorite memories from back in the day. Like right here we introduced one another to our favorite movies. Remember?"

A part of Emma wanted to forget the past at the time. It was too painful to remember some memories, it taints a lot of things she once loved. She'd never say such a thing or admit it out loud. She still wanted to keep things light and Sean at arm's length. So instead of silence, a quiet acknowledgment escaped her lips. "Of course but favorite memories though?"

"This may sound corny but years from now when we're old and shit, I'll look back fondly on the first girl I ever loved." Sean smirked, "just for the record you know, since we're being honest."

Emma softly beamed and then there was an interruption of that tender, vulnerable, special moment when a knock sounded at the door. "Just a minute," Sean announced as he hopped off the couch and Emma just waited to hear or see who would be at the door. She just waited and didn't budge from the seat and stood by.

"Tracker?" Sean asked out loud. As he opened up the door, talk about awful timing Sean thought to himself. He posed the question, "What are you doing here and not in Alberta?"

"Mom and dad said you'd be here," He announced to him not answering right away, maybe he wanted to keep his pride, "you mind if I um stay for a few weeks?"

Sean predicted what was wrong, "What happened with Wendy?"

"I know you're just loving this bro, but it's not forever. She gave me the boot and I found a good gig closer to here but the new digs need a few days couple weeks tops."

"I suppose you can stay here." Sean sighed flatly and tried not to grumble. He knew what Track was saying as he muttered less than enthused but knew he didn't have many options he took Sean in when he was a snot-nosed teenager and would feel bad if something happened to Tracker even if they left things odd between them. Tracker lugged in a few more bags. Under his breath, Sean sighed to himself "Me casa su casa."

"Emma Nelson, look at you. How is it going?" Tracker asked sounding upbeat despite the circumstances as he brought the remainder of his stuff in.

Uncomfortably she replied, "I'm okay." She could tell Sean didn't exactly want him here, right now.

"Isn't his cozy, I remember my first beer." A smiling Tracker observed the scene, he had his hands on his hips. He nudged Sean jokingly who was standing next to him, "I see some things haven't changed, Seanny." Tracker totally fell for the rouse, bonus points for them.

She figured it would be her cue to go since the unexpected visitor is now making himself comfortable. She stood up, preyed on this moment when their attention was elsewhere. She saw her notebook and picked it up, and placed it inside her purse before she forgot in case she had to leave quickly. Sean told Emma somewhat promptly, "I'll walk you home." He probably thought that was uncomfortable and he too needed time away.

They walked outside hand in hand instinctively. With a quick goodbye to Tracker, Sean was apologetic once they left the front yard, "Sorry about him. I knew something like this was going to happen, figures."

Emma remained quiet and didn't say anything. Sean continued ranting. "He had no consideration for like maybe I wanted my solitude or god forbid a friend over. I don't care, I'm having friends over. He's not the man of the house anymore, it's mine. It's funny he was all when he left town a few years ago that I'd be the one knocking on his door. It's bullshit. I feel obligated to let him stick by because he helped me out after Tyler and shit but he just makes me mad sometimes." He realized what he was doing and backtracked with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Emma I just needed to vent and sometimes I say things I probably don't mean. Sorry though."

She managed a grimace, "For what? It's not your fault."

"I'm working on it, okay? He put you in a weird uncomfortable situation and how he has zero filters and is hella embarrassing."

"It's not a big deal, Sean. I've seen worse."

"It's just - I wanted to have fun with you. We honestly hadn't had a fun time in a long time, since long before I left and I figure with everything going on it was just nice having you over." Sean added, "it was nice not talking about the huge elephant in the room being the shooting, the only real conversation I've had since before it happened. My parents were worriers, the whole time I lived with them it was how are you feeling or how is therapy? My therapist the only other person I got to talk with wants to see me better and I keep being forced to rehash what happened. You're different though. You see me, the real me and you knew me before that and you don't see me like the others do or how everyone else does. I don't need to explain it to you because you simply get it you were there! You're my true friend. Trac probably talked to my parents and now he knows about what happened and it's just ugh. I'm fine."

"Is it possible he wants to be there for you? I know, you're not always the easiest to get along with but he's willing I think to try."

"Maybe. You're usually right though. I lived alone for a while, I can totally handle it. I got Megan," She raised a brow at that name she didn't recognize. "My therapist a-and I can talk to you, or Mr. Simpson if things get tough."

"I'm so not usually right, I honestly don't know anymore."

"Yes, you are," Emma and Sean continued walking, something nagging came into his subconscious and he asked out loud, "You're almost always right or just know what to say. It just seems like navigating life just comes naturally for you."

"I don't think so, but I'm flattered to hear it."

"Was it hard for you?" He didn't like speaking about it, and it felt almost taboo but he had to know what was going on with Emma. She was herself but he could tell something was off that he couldn't put his finger on or recognize. A silence cascaded over them as finally she processed the question.

She asked, swallowing hard thinking about the worst the scariest most harrowing ordeal of her young adult life: the shooting. She played dumb not wanting to face facts. "Was what hard?"

He stammered as if it hurt him, "The aftermath, you know, t-the shooting."

"Of course, it was hard, Sean." Emma replied with a soft and sad expression, "The hardest thing I ever went through I think and it was alone when I went through it. Some were self-fulfilling and sometimes just people didn't know what to say to me. I know I wasn't myself, you know? I don't blame anyone, the only person I have to blame is myself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I had a lot of time to process and make sense of the senseless violence."

"I don't know, we never talked about that. Like what do you mean?" Sean sighed, "I was like Mr. Hero in the newspapers but I didn't feel like I was any of that."

"The truth is just that it was and it was a reality I didn't want to live in. I just hope if there ever was some weird alternate universe it didn't happen to me."

"I feel guilty I wasn't forthcoming, it was obviously a hard time but I didn't really know what you were going through."

"I'll be honest for the first time and the last time. I didn't talk to Sauve, in fact, I don't think I talked to anyone at all about it. After the shooting, at first, I was just really sad. What I mistook for sadness was this feeling of numbness all over my body. When I wasn't feeling numb, I felt guilty about what my role was and I had a lot of time to think about that part, a lot of time. Time seemed to pass by so fast, I had awful nightmares things didn't turn the way they did so I was hardly sleeping. All the while, in the months afterward, my grades were abysmal. My social life faltered, shutting nearly everyone out even close friends. After that, I went through the motions that I was okay, like fake it 'till you make it. I just wasn't and I wasn't making it. It was probably more than obvious. It took a while for the images to escape my head, the thoughts that ran through me at that very moment. How many nights I wished I was simply gone so I wouldn't see it anymore kind of level of depression. Finally though, when I did feel fine though, everybody just wanted me to show it and that's where I struggled. So I just stuffed it and pretended and now I guess I'll be okay but it takes took time to get to that place. I'm not proud though because it can always come back."

She let out a slight chuckle bringing them back to the reality of their situation, "I guess you can say I'm a good actress." She became essentially a walking, living breathing shell of what or who she was. Nowadays and back then she was lost and not making the decisions or moves she'd typically make. She didn't know who she was anymore. "So yeah, to answer your question, it was hard."

Sean was saddened by this, "It's not funny though. It's serious."

"Did I say it wasn't serious?

"No," He answered downcast before he asked his friend beside him who had just confessed so much about her inner feelings. "Em, why didn't you talk to me?"

She blurted in defense, "I did," and then added, "I am."

"I meant like over the summer, last year I was a call or an IM away. You made it seem like you were perfectly fine and okay. We're friends, and friends talk." Sean uncomfortably lamented out loud. "You were like a goal to be, I wanted to be fine like you were or how I believed how you led me to believe or whatever."

"I didn't want you or anyone to see me like that." Emma remarked bitterly in a hushed tone, "pathetic o-or weak."

They stopped walking, and Sean faced her and softly told her, "You're not though, you're not any of that you hear me? You're strong, stronger than I wish I was. You always were to me."

The words fell freely as Emma found the words ever so easy to describe and quantify her thoughts for Sean. To see why she kept it to herself up until that moment she was never this honest about what she had gone through. "Even the strong have their moments, deep down we're not that different and even the best people struggle. It's not the end of everything in the entire world if that makes sense. It's something I wish I knew then and struggle with it now. Sean, you're one of the strongest people I know. Seeing you get the help you needed is something very brave and also important. I don't know what I'd do if something bad were to happen to you again. I feared what you'd do if something bad ever happened to you. Heck, I never thought I'd ever see you again as if you were gone forever."

"Forever is a long time, Em. You know, I couldn't stay away forever, is that why you looked back? I always wondered why, why did you look back?"

"Because I, I don't know."

"There's gotta be a reason."

"Albeit a stupid one."

"No, tell me. That's just avoidance, no secrets remember? I can handle it."

"Not sure you can but here goes, because, well there are lots of reasons. I thought it was goodbye for good. Sean, you're the only one who ever would be able to silently sit there and without any words or explanation know what I was feeling you know, about what we went through, and in one swoop or in this case, one drive by you was gone."

Losing support in Sean, or so she thought was support, they had just gotten on a good speaking path, the apology meant a lot and was one of the reasons she took the shooting hard. Toby avoided Emma after, almost blaming her for being the straw that broke Rick. Sean simply was gone to her. "We were supposed to be there for each other, friends do that. I know you needed to be away to deal with what happened and I'll never shame you for it because it helped you. I wish I had that kind of escape. I wanted to run away. I had nowhere to run though. It's not something we could've discussed over IM or the phone. It was a face-to-face sort of thing and I couldn't face you with my truth."

There were also a few things she left out, a conversation for another day she supposed. Now they were finally on the same page. Sean let her talk, he said to her once she finished. "Now that we're standing here and you shared some things, no judgment okay?"

Emma answered, "No judgment, promise? No matter what we don't hold this stuff against one another?"

"Promise." They both paused as they interlocked pinkies for a moment, he softly asked her, "How about now, are you okay?"

Emma shook her head no as if she needed to clear the air, "Not exactly but getting there. I guess I needed you here in town, but not in a selfish way. It's not 'cause I loved you in a romantic sense. I don't have some hidden agenda or we were wrapped up in some twisted and toxic relationship. I didn't want it to be like that. Like we are now but different in an indescribable way. At the same time, I didn't want you to see my bad side."

"You know I don't care about that stuff. Just because we ended, doesn't mean I disliked you. In fact, I thought of you often and hoped you were well. It's why I reached out. I guess a part of me felt a little guilty."

"I figured. I knew when we were together, we stopped talking about things that bothered us or upset us. The bad stuff, confrontation, and stuff are why we blew up the way we did in the past. We didn't communicate, we talked but not for real. Not like this. I'd be lying if I didn't hate it."

"I'm glad you shared all that, I feel that way too just replace some things with other things, and felt that way a lot. How does it feel now that we do communicate?"

She thought for a moment as if a weight was lifted from her as she smiled softly, "Better."

"You got to promise me, we have talks like this more often? I feel a lot better too. Us being friends, I like it."

"Promise, and I like it too." Emma echoed the sentiment as she softly replied with a grin. When he wasn't facing her, yet, she knew she had a few secrets left to tell and she only knew those pinky promises won't matter.