Chapter Five

Love Aint Enough

Sean arrived home on Friday afternoon, Tracker was home from work already. He had taken one of the cans from the fridge and seated on the couch in front of the television. "Bro I was thinking we can do some grocery shopping this afternoon, and make steaks for dinner. What do you say?"

"I can't." Sean put his book bag down and tossed his hoodie onto the chair, "Emma's parents want me over for dinner around 7."

"Say hi to the family for me, and um, here," Tracker stood up and gave Sean a ten-dollar bill, "you can't be going empty-handed. Pick something up at the store. My treat."

Sean beamed thinking of a few ideas maybe a cake for dessert, "Thanks."

Tracker went on about his day as Sean politely listened. He discussed how he saw a really cool car Sean would've liked. Sean appreciated having Tracker as someone to talk with. None of the other kids at school, at least when he first started at Degrassi Community School aside from when he met Jay and the Candy Bandits were interested in car talk. Although the younger Cameron appreciates cars more than motorcycles, he definitely rubbed off on Sean. "I like my job though. What about you? What you get into today, punk?"

"Let's see, I got approved for student welfare, I spent time with Emma at lunchtime, and I'll be going to Philadelphia with school for this media art museum and running up the steps like Rocky Bala? I don't know. No one really understood the reference. I guess he's an important dude."

"You mean Balboa? Rocky is a boxing star in case you didn't know. Still pretty sweet, how did that happen?" Tracker lamented, "I love those movies. Good for you, Seanny. It looks like everything coming up Cameron, huh?"

"I guess so," Sean was waiting for the other shoe to drop deep down inside yet, he thought Tracker would be furious that Sean got a handout but it seems legit government help. "Mr. Simpson really thinks it could be good for me, the trip, the funds for school and living expenses."

"He seems like a stand-up guy. I know he helped you out last year with your grades, but I'm glad you weren't totally up Schitt's Creek without a paddle without me. Missed you, bro." He gave Sean a nuggie playfully tossing Sean's long locks.

He echoed the sentimental remark. Tracker was right, Mr. Simpson is probably the reason he does so well in school and didn't fall behind. Even though Sean didn't have access to a computer for a long time in his early teens, Mr. Simpson kept him up with his classes by allowing him to hang out in the lab after school and in his free periods. Emma would help him study a lot of the time when they were together. When they grew apart after the computer theft, mostly Sean's doing and his grades were slipping he showed concern despite what he had going on in his personal life. He was not a guy to pry but next to Tracker, he'd say his other hero would be Mr. Simpson. Career-wise if maybe his dream job falls through perhaps teaching would be his number two plan b. Sean felt good, he had people in his corner.

"So groceries, is there anything in particular you want? Aside from you know, chocolate goods? Something healthy."

"I would like pretzels, chips, and other snacks for after school and work to share. Cocoa crispies Cereal?"

"I meant like real food." Tracker went over his lists, "can't have junk all the time. I have so far eggs, bread, milk, some lunch meat, ground beef, chicken breast, cheeses…."

Sean chimed in, "Chocolate milk?"

"Fine, smartass" Tracker bitterly wrote down and turned down Sean's requests as he mumbled but lightened up, "how about we make meatloaf and burgers too next week."

He perked up, "Tacos too?"

He scribbled it down, "Even better. We'll need tortillas, rolls, sour cream, and shit, see living with you aint so bad. A hefty trip but I still got money so no worries."

"Yeah, I guess." Sean sat on the counter eating the rest of the cheerios out of the box for an after-school snack and changed the subject. "So what exactly happened with Wendy? I mean you weren't detailed. If you're living with me again, it must've been bad?"

"Exactly?"

"Like she kicked you out but why?"

"I was a knucklehead but honestly? Sometimes love aint enough to make things work. The hardest pill I ever had to swallow in a long time, like take mom and dad love 'em to death but they ain't ever gonna change. Of course, we love them still, of course. Why is it we don't live with 'em, that is?" Sean quietly acknowledged, "Wendy and I thought different thought processes. We were too different, I wasn't up to her impossible standards. It seemed like every little thing I did it didn't seem to be enough for her near the end. She was extremely hard to please in every sense, and I ain't a mind reader. Take it from me, adult relationships suck, kiddo is all I have to say. I had to kiss a lot of toads to even meet her."

Sean understood all too well from his past couple of relationships, sometimes it doesn't matter how you feel the other person may never completely trust to reciprocate the feelings or the sentiment. The closest thing he had to that was Emma, but things are different now. Tracker always said, if you find somebody special, don't let them slip away. Let's say he didn't follow that advice and now he's paying for it in his relationship with Ellie. "Stay young. Don't forget to go out and have good times with your girlfriend. Never stop dating is my advice and things will look up."

"I'm sorry." Sean offered sympathetically, "I know kind of what that's like. I just don't want to blow it."

"You won't, bro but can I warn you about something? Having that negative attitude will piss away more than you realize it's a hard lesson, I learned the hard way. Sometimes it never hurts to live in the positive."

"What are you, my therapist?"

"Nope but maybe if I was searching for another career maybe I can get through to somebody," Tracker said to Sean matter of factly. "I'd have to go back to school and I just moved in with my brother so take it one step at a time." Sean made a face like he was serious about becoming a therapist something he couldn't see, "I'm kidding if you didn't notice. You know I ain't cut out for school. School is your thing, and I'm glad this year is starting out decent for you."

Sean cracked a smile. Tracker has a ninth-grade education, he dropped out to take care of his parents and work so he could later on move away from the chaos at the homefront. Sean was a casualty he left behind, part of the very reason he took him in when Sean got in trouble. Eventually, he got his high school equivalency and GED so he could make better money. One thing about Track is he works his ass off. He doesn't want Sean to have to make those kinds of sacrifices or end up in jail, so he's protective and stern because he has to be and had to be. It did hurt him a lot when Sean e stayed behind; when he was off to Alberta. Granted, had more opportunities, but he was somewhat shocked that Sean lived with their parents briefly because he often dodged the calls from their folks when they lived together before.

Tracker after a bit of silence and Sean put away the cereal and got off of the counter, "Alright dude, you might want to get ready for your dinner date at Emma's. It's almost six now and you gotta still make a pit stop at the store. Have a good night."

"Alright, see you later on, Trac." Tracker had the house to himself for the evening, and he was pretty happy. He was still planning on eating a steak, his heart was set on it but he figured he invite a guest after he went food shopping if he knew anyone. He thought back to Ellie, the girl at The Dot but something stopped him and for good reason he got a bad feeling besides, he had just gotten out of a relationship and didn't want to burden someone else with the problems from the past.

xxxxx

"Can I have a say?" Emma asked in a whining tone as she elaborated. "I know he feels uncomfortable, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Mom, you gotta promise me."

Spike chimed in, "I will not grill him, promise. I learned my lesson. I already was chewed out by your dad."

"Hey!" Archie joked.

"I just hope he's doing better than the last time we saw him." The last time Spike saw Sean he had a bullet graze on his arm, it looked like he had been crying and Mr. Simpson comforted him a bit after they tended to Emma and before that he was obliterated drunk a few years back. She's just a concerned mom, and Sean didn't feel comfortable with her delving into his life the way she did at the time.

The doorbell rang, and Archie grinned, "Sean's here. You want me to get the door?"

Emma volunteered wordlessly and walked to the door, "Hey."

He echoed a soft hey, with a cake in hand in a plastic bag, "Where should I put this?"

"I'll take the cake," Emma replied. As she motioned him to come inside the house and shut the door with her foot careful not to drop the cake. She put it in the fridge and re-emerged. She wasn't going to leave Sean alone like before.

"We waited to order until you were here, hope you don't mind." Spike replied trying to be hospitable, she gave Sean a menu, "sit anywhere you like and let me know what you'd like."

In the Cameron house, Sean rarely got Chinese, it was a treat they mostly shared so they bought a bunch of things. Sean decided to get general tso's chicken with a side of rice. At Emma's, everyone gets whatever they'd like. Emma got mixed Chinese veggies with tofu and rice because she's a vegetarian, Archie got pepper steak and Spike got chicken and broccoli and some lo mein.

As they sat with the television trays eating dinner they decided to watch Rocky. Emma was bored because she's seen it a few times already being one of many favorites of Archie, but at the very least she wasn't watching alone.

After the food was finished, Sean made the grand gesture of putting his arm around Emma so she leaned into it with the lights out. She felt a little uncomfortable at first but they were playing the part of a couple, her parents were cuddling by mid-movie so she figured Sean wanted to follow their lead. In regard to the film, Sean was enthralled. He liked the love story element and while he's not the mushiest guy he liked the story with Adrian and Rocky navigating their lives together despite adversity whatever it took he wanted her by his side when all of his dreams came true and at the end of the film there she was.

"You'll recognize some of these locations when we go to Philadelphia," Archie said, as the film ended.

"Sean I bet you're excited. I went when I went to Degrassi, Emma was babysat by my mom. I missed you so much while I was gone."

Embarrassed Emma exclaimed, "MOM! I am mildly dying."

Sean was amused but saved Emma some embarrassment, "I'm stoked about it, Mrs. Nelson. Never been out of the country before, sounds interesting."

"Oh Sean, call me Christine. We don't have to be all formal about it. Plus makes me feel a little old honestly."

"Tomorrow morning meet me at the post office and we'll get your passport underway." Snake added, "how about when they open at 8."

Emma liked and she was sure Sean did too the support even if it was all a game show-esque hoax. They truly liked Sean and were supportive of them finding their way back together in their eyes.

They ate some cake, and played scrabble and, Sean introduced Emma and her family to a card game he learned in Wasaga to close out the night. They all had a great time. Archie decided to give the couple some alone time, "well I'm so exhausted. We got an early day so rest up." Christine also followed him up to the bedroom.

They were alone, Emma out of habit cleaned up the plates and Sean without feeling prompted to help her, asked him, "So did you have fun?"

"Yeah, I did. It's definitely different"

"Good different? See I guess they're not so bad."

"Not bad, not bad at all honestly. I never was super honest but my folks aren't really like yours. They mean well and all but they're just outta touch if that makes sense. Not so a warm and fuzzy kind of hands-off approach. It wasn't easy with them."

"Is that why you had gotten drunk that night and threw the computer monitor?"

"Partly. I was embarrassed about that, I don't want to ruin the night by rehashing old war stories for once though tonight was actually nice. It was nice for them to invite me."

"Glad you think so. I think it was so formal and stuff before but I also made sure she'd go easy on you tonight."

"Back then I kind of overreacted, to be honest, and blew the entire thing out of proportion, which is why I don't drink much aside from the other night. I don't like how it makes me feel or act. I get sensitive. I spew garbage and get depressed and then feel like an ass the next day, not worth it. Speaking of, the party at Paige's. We don't have to get super drunk if you don't want to."

Emma agreed not being much of a drinker herself aside from the few parties she'd been to, has been mostly cheap beer keggers, and champagne at a wedding. "Probably safer that way if we slowly ease into the drinking for sure. I don't want to slip or blackout."

"So glad we're on the same page."

She saw him out,

Sean walked home pockets in hand. He stopped at The Dot where he saw Spinner and Jay goofing off with the lights on. He decided to join them. "Well look who it is," Jay slurred. "Where you been man?"

Spinner was friendly. "Hey Sean, we just forgot to lock up but come on in."

Spinner and Jay usually hung out after Spinner's closing shifts and Sean was a welcome visitor. "I heard you're with Emma. How's that going?"

"Greenpeace?" Jay's interest is piqued before Sean can confirm, "I didn't think she was your type."

"It's going fine, thanks for the concern, Spin." Flatly Sean stated, "We dated in middle school before. I like her though."

He took a seat at the bar beside Jay with his flask, he offered it to Sean and he reluctantly took a sip of the alcohol inside. Sean made a face not used to the taste or being accustomed to drinking much and passed the flask back to Jay.

"Well second chances happen," Spinner answered wistfully, probably thinking about how he botched his relationship with Paige by hooking up with Manny who ended up leaving him high and dry. He feared facing the one who truly got away.

"Boo hoo, you gon cry about it, Mr. Mason? Fuck 'em. I say the single life is a great life." Jay chirped, "let's do a toast to the single life."

Spinner went along with it and took his rum and soda and clinked it with Jay's flask. Sean had to bow out, he was in a relationship despite the fact it was all pretend. They looked at Sean, and Spinner asked. "With all that history, there's gotta be something more than just hanging out? If you catch my drift."

Uncomfortably but fronting he wasn't with a little false bravado, "Spin, I don't kiss and tell."

"Sly dog."

"Aint like that. She's not like that."

"Girl like that? Heck yeah," Jay slumped over at the bar gobbled down some more alcohol, he drinks heavily more heavier than the two especially now with his secrets. "What do I know though?"

Sean got defensive. "Jay, what are you talking about?"

"If you guys are you know together, we're kind of wondering if you guys were, what do we gotta spell out the details? We're both single, give us the deets."

"What are we girls?" Spinner joked, "They went and played parcheesi and held hands. Emma's a G rated kind of girl."

"No, not yet. We just got together!" Sean furrowed his brow, "I'm trying to be respectful. I don't want you guys talking about her like that. I doubt she'd appreciate that. I don't appreciate that."

"Maybe Jay, you should cool it. He doesn't know." Spinner hushed tone and whispering quietly remarked uncomfortably eyeing Sean out of his side eye warning Jay somewhat afraid of Sean's reaction, "lay off now, dude." With Spin's inability to whisper it appears that Emma wasn't entirely factual.

"What don't I know? I know Emma very well." Sean asked confused but brazenly standing tall, he shouldn't want to know something like tihs but since Jay brought up and he's not one to back down. "You got something to say, say it now."

"I don't think you'd wanna know." Spinner tried to deescalate while Jay wanted to keep going escalating and adding fuel to the fire.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Shut up, Spinner." Jay feined like he didn't know, and denied at first as he rolled his eyes while he tried to dodge the subject. Sean got up from his seat as Jay rattled off an elaborate lie, "Alls I'm saying is Sean, I've seen her before at those parties at Bennett last year. I don't know if she's like that, but how does it look to you?" Jay would be more honest but in a strange way he was too obliterated to know that Sean was smart enough to read between the lines.

Sean thought back to the parties, ones where he did meet up with Amy at first. He didn't think Amy and Emma had anything in common besides the fact they were both exes to him. She also knew at that time last year when he left Jay was very much still with Alex. A lot changed though, and Emma even said that she didn't feel like the girl she'd always been. Perhaps that was her way of confessing or perhaps she didn't want him to find out at all, so just left out the negative. Why?

"Like what?"

"You know, slut, floozy, whore, bitch, a tease, you name it. What do you know, Sean? You were a disappearing act and I know she had the hots for you. Told me herself when I drove her home in so many words. She was lonely."

"Wait what? When did you drive her home? You guys don't hang out, you're full of it."

Sean asked Spinner, "You knew?"

Uncomfortably Spinner decided to announce that he wanted no part in this, even though he advertently started the shit that hit the fan, "I don't know a thing, don't look at me, Sean."

Sean without thinking guns blazing in his tempers flaring gritted his teeth grabbed Spinner angrily by the shirt and threw him against the wall, papers flying, receipts falling off the tack boards, "Tell me what you know!"

"Ask Jay!" Spinner retorted pointing at a laughing Jay. He was in no mood but he refused to fight back, he also didn't want to lose his little friends or his job for that matter over a girl he barely knew. He just said three words as he removed Sean's hands from him, "Take it outside." When they both just looked at him he exclaimed loudly, "OUTSIDE BOTH OF YOU!"

Sean spat catching his breath, after a long pause and going outside with Jay behind him. "Alright then, you tell me."

"Pfft, what's there to tell?" Jay muttered, "you're a smart guy, figure it out. Before you go all Wasaga on me, just know she approached me, man. Why don't you ask her about it?"

"Spin won't tell me, so you know. In your own words, what happened? What was said and what was done?"

"I don't feel like talking about this right now. I'm drunk and you're pissy. Dude, we should talk rationally."

"I ain't taking this shit from you, Jay. No excuse, you fucking started it. I don't care if you're drunk. I want to know."

"I don't think you can handle it. You almost killed Spinner back there."

"I need to know if something happened."

"You really don't want to know. You leave me no other choice. We had a thing. Emma and I, I was workin' backstage at the play, she was in the play. Call it a showmance, except it, wasn't romantic. I just wanted to test my limits with her."

It all started to be clear and made a lot of sense to Sean, why she was so skittish and dodgy about the play. It also made sense why she was so quiet and distant with Sean at first. He thought about what she said about the time after the school shooting and Rick's death. Sean hated that he resorted to his anger and temper, but he tried to calm down. He was just so nonchalant about how he was speaking about Emma in that tone. Jay fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter feeling embarrassed. "I only never told you because I knew you'd be pissed or whatever."

"Then why'd you do it?" Sean asked shaking his head, "I don't even know who you are anymore. Who she is anymore."

"Sean, I'm the same guy I've always been. There's a bunch of people out there don't give a fuck about nothing or nobody. I'm that guy. You're always looking for a bad guy…."

"You're full of shit, you know that?" He let out an exasperated laugh. "How long were you just gonna pretend?" Sean asked angrily. "What kind of friend are you?"

"I could ask you the same thing. You're always flaking on us since you got back from mommy and daddy's. Always off hanging out with Emma Nelson who isn't even giving you anything and -"

Sean pointed at him, "Don't you dare talk about her that way. I can't believe you, her, this entire thing."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you're in love with this girl." Jay said to him, "at first I thought meh I get it but now? I don't. What's the big idea? What's the angle?"

"Impossible," Sean muttered defensively. Jay wordlessly offered Sean a cigarette as if it were some sort of offering, and Sean actually did it. He lit it for him. A wave of relaxation fell on him as he took his first drag. There was a lot of truth but he could barely see past his anger at Jay.

"It'll be okay."

Sean recoiled at Jay's halfhearted attempt to comfort him, "Don't tell me it's gonna be okay. Does Alex even know?"

"No." Jay sighed, "You know what she'd do to her? Not a pretty sight if you ask me. No worse than what she did to Amy. For what it's worth, I felt kind of bad later on if I'm being honest. It's what happens when you ruin people's lives once or twice, it hurts less the more you do it. Makes it more than likely I'd do it again if I had the chance." He told Sean in a sobering tone, "It's always bummer times if you let it be. Sometimes you just gotta take what you can get."

"I'm seeing her tomorrow and fuck," Sean blew out some smoke, "like I don't want to talk with her about that."

"I knew you weren't, y'know doing it and shit. If I'm being honest even as drunk as I am right now I'm telling you she's important to you and she's good. I like to fuck over good people. I didn't destroy her or tear her down, she's just as strong as the same person before that. You say love with her is impossible my friend? I think you're the one who's full of it."

"That's right, she's my girlfriend and I think I know where you're going with this."

Jay felt guilty for how he spoke but he felt some relief that he was able to tell somebody. "Sean shit happens, don't let it ruin what fun you and Emma could have together."

"I'm leaving now." Sean calmly stated but decided to shelf this all for tomorrow. He went home and tried to fall asleep but failed miserably. He had no choice but to fester all morning. What was he going to say to her? It just kept playing in his head, freeze, rewind, pause, and back again. At least he didn't completely lose his cool.

He also knew he had an early meeting at the post office and here he was ruminating. Arguably it was the only thing he could do in this situation. He wanted to hear Emma's side of the story. Perhaps it was all a horrid lie. Maybe it was the liquor talking. It was the only way he could get a wink of sleep that night.

Was he in love? He would hate to admit his bitter wrongness and the way he behaved. Defending Emma even to Jay though, he felt as if Jay took advantage of Emma. Maybe Emma was right all along, about the type of friend Jay was.

He's so screwed. He could totally use a drink at this point. He knew one, maybe two things Sean is sure of and the rest was an unmarked territory. He was definitely in love with Emma and love is not enough sometimes Tracker had told him.