Chapter 62: This chapter is all about Clary and Jonathan, heading to their therapy session. Clary wants him to admit to everything he did to her so she can tattle to the Clave in Idris and help galvanize a social rebellion against the patriarchy - easy-peasy, right? Honestly, I just love writing Clary yelling at him... Jonathan The Creep thinks he's got Clary right where he wants her… I hated writing this chapter, but needed to let Clary let it all out at him. Next chapter will have plenty of Squad time with Si, Iz, Mags, Jace, etc.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mention of drugs, abuse, non-con. Remember the rating is MA.
I do not own any of the characters, only the illustrious Cassandra Clare owns them. I do, however, own this particular story, so please don't be lame and copy/paste it elsewhere.
Thank you for the follows, likes, and reviews! It really means a lot!
Previously: " It's not that Clary didn't believe Jace, it was just that he and Alec would do everything by the book. If she'd learned anything in Idris, Jonathan Morgenstern did nothing by the book. I have to play dirty like him."
The elevator doors closed behind them and Jonathan pressed the hold button on the car. He turned to Clary and looked down at her. She looked back at him with the same small smile, as if she was waiting for him to say something. I wonder if she'll let me– Camille said she would be compliant to my wishes. Suggestable. Just a little test. He walked towards her, dropping her bag on the floor. She looked down at her bag, blinked and looked back at him, not speaking, as he closed the distance between them. Gently he pressed against her and placed his hands on her bare shoulders, then slid them up the side of her neck, and cupped her face in his hands. Clary's eyes widened and she shivered. She looks scared. Resistant. He swallowed and looked down at her pink, glossy lips, then back to her eyes. "Clarissa, let me have you."
She furrowed her brows, as if she wanted to say something important, then simply nodded. "You can have me, Jonathan." He hummed and smashed his mouth against hers, holding her face tightly in his hands, lest she pull away. I have missed this so much. Clary whimpered and parted her lips, as he pushed his tongue into her mouth, deepening their kiss. She slid her hands up the front of his chest and gripped his shirt, returning his kisses. He pulled away, panting and pulled her tightly against him, kissing down her jaw and neck. So beautiful. He wound his left hand into the back of her hair, slowly pulling her head back as he trailed wet kisses down her neck to her chest. Clary gasped as he cupped and squeezed her breast, pulling the front of her dress down, exposing her. She has passed the test. Jonathan groaned at the sight and kissed and licked her swollen breasts. Feeling himself harden painfully with want, he sucked harder and licked around her nipple, leaving a small purple mark. Clary suddenly stiffened and hissed in pain, holding her side. Jonathan pulled back from her in an instant, quickly pulling the strap of her dress back over her shoulder. Oh shit. Did I hurt her? "What's wrong, Clarissa? Uh– Verus Amor, Clarissa."
Clary frowned and closed her eyes, pursing her lips and blowing out, rubbing the bottom of her stomach. Fuck. This round ligament pain blows. Clary opened her eyes to see that they were in the elevator. Jonathan looked nervous and had his hands on her shoulders, holding her too close. "Clarissa, love. What happened? Are you okay? Where do you hurt?" Clary growled and shoved his hands from her shoulders then stepped back across the elevator car. "Dammit, Jonathan, stop touching me. I'm okay. Stop pawing me…" She glowered at him and picked up her bag, wrapping her shawl tightly around her. Jonathan took a step closer to her. This was a mistake. Just get him to Camille's and make him talk. She looked past him to see the hold button activated on the button panel. She glared up at him and reached forward, pressing the fifteenth floor button. He pursed his lips in annoyance and settled back against the wall, watching her as the elevator started moving. Something happened. How did I get on the elevator? He did something or I'm losing it again. Verus Amor, Clarissa - why the fuck do I keep thinking that? Time to turn up the heat a bit. "What happened, Jonathan? I tripped getting out of your car… then what?"
Jonathan opened his mouth to speak and she cut him off. Tears filled her eyes and her voice shook. "You know what, forget it… this was a mistake. I don't know why I thought I could start to trust you… let you back in. It must be the pregnancy hormones making me sentimental. I don't think this therapy with you is a very good idea… you keep trying to touch me– after everything you've done to me. You hurt me more than once. Do you know how hard it is to even look at you? Don't you even care that you–" Clary shook her head angrily, wiping her tears away. Jonathan looked at her, rubbing his hand over his mouth. He looked ashamed… remorseful. Good. "I just can't do this. I'm leaving. Fuck this." She pulled out her phone and keychain, waiting for the doors to open, her back to him.
Jonathan stammered. "Clarissa, you tripped and I helped you into the elevator, then you were in pain… then, well, here we are. I don't know what else to tell you. Please come to our appointment. I think I really need it. Don't give up on me… I want to do this for our baby. I don't want to be like him…" Bingo. The elevator doors opened on Camille's floor. Clary stepped out, turned and looked at him, licking her lips. "Fine. But, you say you don't want to be like Valentine? Then prove it… enough with the glossing things over. Come in here with me and face everything you did to me. Hear me. It's just you and me now. We both know the real story, Jonathan… you're the only one who's scared to talk about it." Jonathan's jaw clenched and he looked at her curiously, then nodded, following her out. Shit. I hope I didn't trigger him.
Camille stood when Clary walked in with Jonathan. Her eyes flicked nervously between them. Clary clenched her jaw and sat on the big couch. Jonathan sat next to Clary, leaving a cushion between them. He looked pointedly at Camille, who averted her eyes. She's acting so nervous… scared even. I think he fucking got to her. He gets to everybody, takes everything. This has to end. Clary fake smiled at Camille as she took her seat across from them. Camille ran a hand through her chin-length blonde hair and took a deep breath. "Clary, I'm so glad you could make it in person this week. I'm sure you are anxious to begin. Last week we discussed–" Clary put a hand up. "Camille, Jonathan and I had quite the discussion in the elevator. He indicated that he was ready to listen to me and really talk about things." Camille tilted her head and hummed. "Why don't you talk Clarissa… directly to Jonathan. Tell him your story, your experiences, how you felt… then Jonathan, please respond. How does that sound?" Clary swallowed and nodded, then turned to face Jonathan on the couch. He smiled warmly at her, running his eyes over her longingly. He folded his hands tightly together on his lap. Clary frowned. He's trying to stop himself from touching me. He just can't help himself. He's obsessed.
Clary took a drink from her water bottle and began to speak. You can do this, Fray. "After you… Sebastian drugged me and tried to rape me on Halloween, I had nightmares and panic attacks for weeks." Jonathan stiffened, hearing his other name spoken out loud. "Sebastian hunted me, charmed me, drugged and herded me, trapped and accosted me… hurt me. You bruised my face, my arms, choked me, marked my neck and chest with scratches, bruises and bites… Afterwards, I was afraid of everything. I felt disgusting. Violated. I had a difficult time leaving my apartment. I lost both of my parents in a fire that your psychotic father ordered– because of his twisted obsession with my mother. Jocelyn Fairchild left him because of his abuse and twisted lies and he waited to strike back at her when he discovered she had a child. Me. He put you on me and it twisted you more than you already were. I was finally starting to feel better until you– I couldn't create… draw anymore. He– you took that." Clary swallowed and looked over at Camille who watched her with a worried expression. Is he threatening her or is she one of his minions?
Jonathan furrowed his brow and looked down. No. Look at me. Clary reached forward and lifted his chin, looking him in the eyes. His eyes glittered earnestly, his breathing increased and he grasped her hand, kissing it. Clary quickly pulled her hand away. Time for Jace. "If it weren't for my friends and Jace, I fear I would have gone insane. My Jace made me feel safe, worthy, loved… then you tried to take him from me too." Clary stared, stone-faced, at Jonathan and sipped more water. "Then, you sent your fucking goons to attack us… the fake video, the pictures, the cameras in both of our apartments… the fake Sebastian Verlac stalker next door– drugging Jace and having Carrie pose as me and sexually assault him… all while you, Jonathan, were pretending to be my friend. Comforting me, while my world was crashing around me, when you were the cause. Isolating me. You never really were my friend. You were just manipulating and lying to me, trying to take me from Jace. From everyone."
Clary felt her eyes stinging with tears. "The thing is Jonathan. I really did like you. The person you presented to me was good, sweet, funny. We seemed to have a lot in common. I wanted you in my life, but that wasn't good enough for you… you wanted me for yourself, so you perverted everything and took me away. I trusted you and you imprisoned me in Idris, repeatedly drugged me so you could fuck me, and when I tried to escape, you menaced and savaged me. I suspect you did something similar to me on New Year's Eve too, after I found my underwear in your sick stalker box… and my phone. You knew what happened to my parents and you kept that from me. That hurt me so deeply… that particular betrayal, of your many… Remember Axel? The stables? To punish me for trying to escape, you became Sebastian and beat me with a belt and raped me… for hours. Did you enjoy that? I certainly did not. I could barely walk for days… the marks all over my body. In the following weeks I was so frightened of triggering your Sebastian side that I let you have me. I played along, trying to survive. I felt hopeless, alone, and broken. But, I think you like me that way, Jon. Weak. Your prey." Clary ran her hands through her hair, shoving it behind her shoulders. He watched her hands and looked her up and down. Is he actually checking me out? I have to finish this.
Jonathan dragged his eyes up to hers, opened his mouth to speak, but Clary cut him off. "Then that sham of a wedding, Jon. You never even asked me to marry you, just did your Daddy's bidding. He wanted us together to fulfill some sick revenge fantasy against my father, Luke Garroway, aka Lucian Graymark. Apparently I'm a hot commodity– a pure-blooded high Idrian heiress. Whatever the fuck that means. I marry his highborn son and we become some superior genetic power couple… I mean what kind of super villain crap is that?" Clary stopped and rubbed her belly, frowning. "Do you remember how you forced yourself on me after Valentine nearly killed me after he tried to drug and rape me too? It seems to be the Morgenstern M.O. Drug and rape the Fairchild women… rinse, repeat. Then I finally escaped at the gala for one glorious week and you sent your men after us. They caused our SUV to crash. You took me again. Then ordered your men to push the SUV into Lake Lyn. I thought Jace was dead and I wanted to die, but he survived, didn't he? He'll always come for me, Jonathan. Always. Remember that." Jonathan stiffened beside her.
Clary stood up and looked down at him, shaking her head. She reached up and ran her fingers over the scar on her scalp. "I had a head injury and broken body… and while I was defenseless, recovering from my injuries, kept sedated, after goddam brain surgery– YOU had that quack, Dr. Pontmercy remove my IUD, so you could get me pregnant… again, no permission required for a Morgenstern man. You fucking sick, twisted bastard!" Clary's voice broke and tears streamed down her face as she looked down, her shoulders shaking. Jonathan stood up and wiped his face with his hand, shaking his head. She sniffed and looked up at him fiercely. "And you DID! You used your father's death and your fucked up childhood to manipulate me again… right into your bed. You know how I feel about what you experienced after my mother left Valentine. The guilt for her leaving you behind. You capitalized on that, huh Jon? God, what a fucking soap opera… I was such an idiot."
Clary wiped her eyes, her hands shaking, and sat back down. "Then. I don't even know how to say it out loud… Amatis– What Valentine did to her. Then what you and Pontmercy did to me– I still don't even know what you sickos did to my mind. I just remember pain and fear, then being unable to ignore your orders… your sick sexual advances. I– I still have trouble resisting you after what you and Pontmercy did. I still have blackouts and forget things." Jonathan perked up and looked at her thoughtfully. Fuck you for that. "Then Jace… My Jace and our friends rescued me from you again. And I found out I was pregnant with my baby. Y-your child. And here we are. I– I'm done, I think…" She rubbed her hand on her belly, took a shaky breath and tearfully looked over at Camille. She had her pen tip in her mouth, watching Clary intently. She put her pen down and nodded. Clary gave her a slight nod, then turned back to Jonathan, bit her lip and looked into his eyes. "Your turn, Jon."
Jonathan took a deep breath and stared in shock at his beautiful Clarissa. She's so fierce, passionate. Mine. Tell her what she wants to hear. It makes no difference, I'll never be punished by the Clave for keeping and protecting what is mine. My wife. He stood up and walked over in front of Clary. There he sank to his knees and hung his head. Sighing, he reached out his hands and took hers, looking up at her. She stiffened, but allowed it, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "Clarissa. Everything you spoke out loud happened as you said. I won't dispute a single word of it. Seb- Sebastian comes from a dark, awful place inside of me… ever since I was a child. He first started to come out when Father would whip me…to protect me I guess. Then I would let him out when I wanted to– get away with things… I hate him. I hate him so much and wish he wasn't a part of me, Clarissa."
He pulled her hands to his lips and kissed them. "I wish I could go back and never lay a harmful hand on you, my love. I just loved and wanted you from the first time I saw you… you're the only person that I ever shared true joy with. You make me happy and I've never been that. You're luminescent. I truly love you, Clarissa and I regret hurting you so many times." Jonathan swallowed and closed his eyes. "I let Sebastian run roughshod over my rational self. I know there is no justification or excuse for any of it, just please try to forgive me. I beg you. I listened to you and am receiving therapy for my– issues. I've been facing a lot of hard truths about myself and Valentine, what we did…" His voice shook and he dropped his head onto her lap, wrapping his arms around her waist. She held her breath, but allowed it.
He heard Clary sniffling, as she whispered to him. "Look at me, Jonathan, and continue. Please." He looked up at her to see her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Am I affecting her? Good. He smiled tightly and nodded. "I want to be a better man. We are going to have a child and I refuse to be like Valentine. I already love our child and want the best for him or her… I want to be the father I never had. I don't ever want our child to feel the fear or pain that I did… never. I promise to do better, Clarissa. Please let me try… please forgive me. Please." He pulled back, but stayed on his knees. He looked at her belly as the tears spilled down his cheeks.
Clary wiped her tears away, her heart pounding. Jesus. Either he means it or he deserves an Oscar. She gently pushed him away from her and he sat back down next to her. "Jonathan. That was a lot… I have to think about it. I don't think I can forgive you now. I know that much. First though. You have to understand that you and I are never going to happen again. I do not want to be with you. You killed any chance of that, as I've told you. I annulled our forced marriage. I'm with Jace and I'm going to marry him. Stop trying to take me from him. You can't. I love him and that will never change. Let me go, Jon." She placed her hand on his cheek and fake smiled sadly. He looked back at her, covering her hand with his, returning her smile. "Okay, Clarissa. I will respect your wishes. Just please don't shut me out of my child's life." Clary cleared her throat and frowned. "I won't. Everything will work out." Yeah… hopefully with you in an Idrian prison or at least deported.
Camille cleared her throat and stood up. "Okay. That's our time for this week. I think we made a lot of… progress. I know you both are probably drained after that. I encourage you both to rest and ruminate about what was said today. Ask yourself if you really heard the other person… and how it made you feel. Truly feel." Jonathan smiled tightly at Camille. It made me feel like a piece of shit. But I will have to make her believe that I am a changed man, for the sake of our family… and there is no way in fucking hell I will let Jace fucking Herondale have her, or my child. He turned to Clary, who was gathering her bag and checking her phone. "Clarissa, do you need a ride back to the Institute? Or if you're hungry–" She looked at him and shook her head gently. She looks tired. "Um. Thank you, but no, Jonathan. I need to speak to Camille for a few minutes, then I'm having lunch with Simon and Izzy." Fucking Lewis.
He fake smiled and nodded, then turned to go when Clary put her hand on his shoulder. Surprised, he turned around. "Jon. Thank you for saying what you said today. I just hope you meant it. Also, I have my prenatal appointment tomorrow, with anatomy ultrasound. I may be able to find out the sex of the baby. I'll let you know how it goes." Jonathan smiled and nodded his head excitedly. "That– that would be amazing, Clarissa. I hope everything goes well. Let me know if you need anything at all. I am at your disposal, as always. Goodbye." Tomorrow I'll know if I have a son or daughter. Now to figure out how to get back in her good graces. I'll just keep 'Verus Amor' in my back pocket for now. This is no time to get sloppy and make a mistake because I want a kiss. That was too close. Jonathan looked back at Clary once more before stepping out into the waiting room and closing her door.
Clary watched Jonathan walk out and whirled around to face Camille, snarling. "He got to you, didn't he?" Camille nodded, her eyes misting. "He threatened my parents, Clary. I- I'm so sorry. All of that… everything that was said wasn't recorded. I turned off the recording. He made me." Clary sighed, nodded and placed her hands on Camille's shoulders. "Okay. Okay, I expected he was up to something so I recorded everything from the time I got in his car at the Institute. I just forwarded it to Tessa and Maia. I lost some time in the elevator, so hopefully that can help me. Camille, tell me what Verus Amor means." Camille cringed, nodded and proceeded to tell Clary how Jonathan and Dr. Pontmercy had forced her to plant a trigger word, Verus Amor, into her hypno-therapy sessions. That Jonathan intended to slowly suggest things to Clary… just a sprinkle here and there, to gradually warm her up to welcoming Jonathan back into her life. Manipulate her into forgiving him… into loving him.
Clary scoffed angrily. Fucking obsessed pervert. "He is insane. I'm not even fucking surprised anymore… You can't make someone love you. Undo it, Camille. Now. I mean it. If I hear him say it to me, I'll just fucking fake it and improvise. It's not like I haven't had to fake things with him in the past. I unfortunately had to get pretty good at it in Idris. Maia should have news in the next week or so about our case in Idris. Her contacts are excited to move forward. Until then, I have to pretend that I'm going to allow him access to my baby. Keep him close enough to watch, just as we discussed. I have to be careful... he's hard to fool. Now- remove this fucking trigger word so I can keep him out of my head." Clary covered her face with her hands and growled. I knew he was lying, but he still gets to me. Well, get ready to face the Clave, mother fucker.