Satan's Prayer

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It belongs to Hideaki Anno, Gainax, and Tatsunoko Productions. I only own the characters I made up.

Heavenly father. . .it's been a while since we last had a heart to heart. Since I last. . .laid everything bare. . .I guess. I mean, the last time we talked. . .I wasn't in the best headspace, so forgive me for not knowing how to start this prayer. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to talk about? Should I start listing the things that I am grateful for? Should I explain everything that I learned in life? Should I wish for a miracle? Honestly, I don't know.

. . .

Fuck it. I guess I'll just do what I've been doing and wing it.

For such a long time, I've felt nothing but fear, hatred. . .and pain. Well. . .that's not completely true. There were times when I felt happy, and times when I felt loved. But, the thing about those times is. . .they never last. They were always so fleeting. Like, if you blinked too quickly, it would all disappear. It also didn't help that because of my hatred. . .I felt that I never deserved anything good to happen to me. I was perfectly fine with living an empty life, after all, that's what I felt I deserved.

Despite feeling like I deserved nothing, I was still resentful. I hated feeling like I deserved nothing good. I hated the world for being so unfair. I hated other people for being happy while I was miserable. I hated myself for being so weak! And. . .I hated her.

Yeah. . .I guess it's finally time to talk about that.

That woman. . .my mother. . .is crazy. That is the nicest way of putting it. She believes she's more intelligent than she is. She believes that she can see the "truth" while others are blind. She genuinely thinks she can do no wrong, and that she's some "righteous" soul! Every hurtful word, every false accusation, every threat she made against either me or my brother, was her being "righteous". It was my fault if I got "out of line". It was my fault if I said something stupid. I "made" her hurt me because it was her duty to lead me down the path of heaven.

I fucking hated that bitch for making me go through that! I still hate her for it!

Yet, despite everything. . .I still love her. I mean, if I didn't. . .I wouldn't have internalized everything she said. But why? Why do I still love her after everything she did to me? Well. . .it's because she wasn't always like that. There was a time when she didn't look at me in disgust. A time when me, her, and Shane were a genuinely happy family.

I miss those days.

I missed the days mom would take Shane and I to see a movie almost every weekend. I missed the days she would take us on random drives through the city at night, showing us its lights and wonders. Hell, I even miss that old meal she used to make us. It was simple, ground beef mixed with mash potatoes and melted cheese. It wasn't some gourmet stuff but. . .it kept my belly full, and put a smile on my face. Shit. . .I can still taste the food. I can still remember its warmth and smell. I can still remember sitting at that table, seeing mom beam at me as I dug into my meal while asking for seconds.

. . .

Fuck. . .am I really crying right now? Heh, I really am such a baby.

Guess what I'm trying to say is. . .because I loved her so much. . .it made the years when she changed all the more painful. I was fearful of every step I took around her, and that fear turned to hate. That hatred made me resentful, made me hold on to the pain, and made me isolate myself from others. And the funny thing was. . .I loved the hatred.

That's the best way to describe my relationship to my anger. I loved it.

It was my shield, it was the only way I learned how to survive that hell hole that once was my home. But, that same hate was also a mask, and it made it difficult to connect with others. When someone was kind, I lashed out. When someone was happy, I grew jealous. It came to a point when I could only find happiness when someone else was getting hurt! No one was safe from this. . .not even my brother.

I hated that.

I hated myself for letting my anger get so out of control. I hated myself for letting its flames spread so quickly. Yet. . .I didn't try to get rid of it. I held onto it like it was my lifeline. It was a close friend, my "guardian angel", it was my shield and mask. It was a part of me! Despite all the pain it put me through, I still needed it because if I threw it away. . .I would have nothing. It was hard to imagine a world where I felt unconditional love. It was hard to imagine a world where I had friends who could understand what I was going through. It felt fantastical to imagine a time I didn't feel depressed or felt sick to my soul. It felt impossible to see myself and not utterly hate the weak, pathetic individual staring right back!

I was afraid of what I would be without this pain. That's why I held onto it for so long.

Well. . .I'm done.

I'm done hating myself. I'm done hating the world, and I'm done rejecting love thrown my way. Why? Because I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of my pain telling me I'm unloved. I'm tired of my pain pushing me around, drawing me away from the people I cared about. Because of it, I couldn't talk to my brother about my problems, even though he of all people would understand. Hell, I couldn't even talk to you about my problems, despite being taught all my life that it's something I could do! This anger, pain, fear, has always been with me. It felt like if I let it go, I'd be killing a part of myself. I loved it, because it was always there for me. . .unlike my parents. But, I can't let it control me for the rest of my life, because one day it's gonna drown. . .and it will drag me down with it.

I'm tired of running. I'm tired of letting this pain define me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life actively hurting myself and others. So. . .what exactly does that mean?

. . .

I don't think I could ever forgive my mother. I know that's something you want people who believe in you to do but. . .I can't find it in my heart to do that. At least, not right now. But, I think I can let her go. I think I can let go of the anger, the rage. . .that will be a decent first step. At least that way, I won't let the past consume me.

So God. . .I want to ask for your forgiveness.

I've let this cycle of pain and fear go on for so long that I've burned nearly everyone around me. I desperately needed to open up to people, to ease the pain, but my fear didn't let it happen. I was afraid they would hurt me, like my mom hurt me. So instead, I did what I always did, and lashed out at the people trying to help.

And because of that, it deepened the already burning self hatred.

I guess. . .what I'm asking is. . .please forgive me for causing others pain. Please, help me realize that I can't go through life alone. That, in order to gain real strength, I need to be around others. That I need to open my heart. . .even if it means getting hurt.

God, please help me do good for others. I want to be a better person. I want to move forward with true pride in myself. I want to be the kind of person that everyone, including my brother, believes I can be. I just want to fully believe that I deserve to be happy.

. . .

I still hate myself. I can still hear the voices telling me that I'll never be loved. That I'll never be safe. That I'll never change. Honestly, I don't think those thoughts will ever go away which. . .sucks. Wish there was a magic pill that would magically fix everything, but I guess that's not the world I exist in.

Heh.

Despite everything, I need to keep moving forward. So heavenly father, help me keep moving forward in life. Help me open up to my friends and family, so I can have the strength to keep choosing to walk down this path. So that, despite all the pain, I can eventually find happiness I can keep. So, I can finally find a way to love myself.

And. . .I guess that's it. I'm done with my little rambling session. Guess. . .we'll talk again later.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

Amen.

Author's Notes: Hello everyone. It's been a long. . .shit, I think it's been six years! Six years of writing this story. Six years of random strangers on the internet, finding my story worth reading. Shit, I never expected so many people to actually like what I was making! It's kinda inspiring in a way.

Now, that's not to say this story is perfect in any way, shape or form. I made a crap-ton of mistakes when writing. Some were spelling mistakes, and others were basic grammar. One mistake that kept sticking to me was Kaji mentioning Seele so casually, even though it's supposed to be a secret organization!

Yeah, that one keeps me up at night.

There are plenty of other mistakes like that, but in the end, I was able to make something I was proud of. I might go back to fix the smaller mistakes, like spelling and sentence structure. But, I think I'll keep some of the bigger mistakes. I guess I'll treat it as a memento.

I guess I should also explain why Michael only knows some things about Evangelion and not others. Again, his only frame of reference was the Rebuilds and some Youtube videos. The reason why I made such an odd decision was. . .well. . .that's how I was exposed to Evangelion. I thought it would be interesting to put someone in the story who had some pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them. Besides, if Michael knew every single thing about Evangelion, he wouldn't have done half the stuff he did. So if anyone was wondering why Michael has inconsistent knowledge, that's why. Make of that what you will.

Anyway, I'm making a list of songs and bands that were used as titles for all the chapters in this story. I'll post it on my profile. Feel free to look at it and judge me for my musical tastes. Heh. Also, I thought about doing more art for this story, so I guess I'll leave a link to that on my profile when ready.

It's been a blast working on this story, and I'm incredibly grateful for every single person who decided to read this fanfic! I'll definitely make another fanfic, just not in a long while. Perhaps I'll revisit this story one day, only time will tell. But, for now, it's over. It's finally done.

Again, thank you all for reading!

Until next time, goodbye, and goodnight.