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Chapter 17
Me, Myself, and I
Fuutarou sat alone in his seat as the funeral progressed. The quints' grandfather sadly never woke up. Fuutarou had to ask their stepfather if could pay his respects. Maruo agreed on the condition that he kept his distance from the quints. He accepted without protest. Now wasn't the time to try and talk to them. They were already miserable enough as it was.
The ceremony was carried out with the quints sitting together in the front while he sat more towards the rear and on the other side of the room. He sat there quietly and observed. He was happy to see that they had put aside their bitterness and allowed Yotsuba to be with them. Nino also seemed to have come out of her depression a little. He wondered if she'll ever be the same again after everything she'd gone through these past two weeks.
Taking his eyes off of her he lifted them to the portrait of their grandfather. It was hard to believe that this was the same man who threw him over his shoulder and slammed him into the floor. How he wished he could've spoken with one more time.
Closing his eyes, wondering what he could do to make up for his mistakes. There had to be something he could do. Something-
"You killed her!"
He jumped out of his chair, eyes going wide. He recognized Chihori's voice instantly, but she was nowhere in sight. Then he noticed that the room had suddenly gone dark. There was no one else inside. Only him.
"You killed her!"
This time it was coming from more than one person. His head swung back and forth, trying to see where the voices were coming from, but he saw no one. They were growing louder and louder and there were more and more of them going off all at once. He also heard a great pounding and shouting, throwing curses at him and wishing for his death, like an angry mob that was out to get him.
"Look what you did me... Fuutarou..."
This new voice, weak and scratchy, came from behind. He whirled around... and nearly screamed. He stumbled and fell as he saw the horror before him.
A girl hung in the air by a rope around her neck, swinging back and forth. Her head hung to one side and her hair covered most of her face, but he knew it was Hatsuka. One eye was exposed through her hair and it looked at him in contempt. The sight was so terrifying he couldn't speak.
"Look what you did to me," she whispered, lips barely moving, "I followed your advice, tried to become a better girl, and look what it did to me. You caused me to die, and my family is in pain. All because of you."
He shook his head rapidly, trying to say something, anything, but no sound would come from his mouth.
"Nino!"
He whirled around again. There was Ichika, Miku, and Itsuki, all on their knees and weeping uncontrollably. Before them was was a funeral arrangement, and on the mantle was a picture of... Nino.
He felt as though he was falling, down, deeper and deeper into a dark pit.
"Nino!" the three quints cried, "Why did you have to die?!"
Then he heard the voices of Maruo, Chihori, his mother, his father, his sister, everyone he knew speaking at once.
"You are the most pathetic piece of human filth, I wish you an eternity in hell."
"I can't believe I even considered you a friend."
"I ashamed to call you my son. I regret the day I gave birth to you."
"You are no longer my son. I can't even stand the sight of you anymore."
"I hate you, big brother! I hate everything about you! You're nothing but a meanie!"
Then he heard another voice, one he knew all too well.
"She's gone, I killed her."
He looked up to see Yotsuba, her back to him and as she walked lifelessly up the invisible stairs.
"I killed her," she said again, "I caused my sister to die. I took everything from her because I wanted him all to myself. She's dead because of me."
He suddenly realized what she intended to do and chased after her, but no matter how hard he ran she just seemed to get further and further away.
"I don't deserve to live another day. I can't live with myself anymore. My sister will not rest in peace until I'm gone."
He tried to yell her name but no sound came out. Finally she stopped and she turned sideways. Fuutarou could see tears streaming down her cheeks but he couldn't see her eyes. He yelled her name again.
"Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, Uesugi-san."
He screamed as he saw her body tip over the edge and plunge into the black abyss.
Fuutarou's eyes snapped open and his body jerked up bolt right. Gasping for breath he looked around frantically. It took a full minute before he finally recognized his surroundings.
He was in his room, at home, safe from the black nightmare he had been in. He glanced at his clock and saw that it was just past eight in the morning. A light rain pattered against his window outside.
Fuutarou laid back down and forced himself to relax. His breathing slowly returned to normal and the pounding in his chest eased. Then he noticed that he was drenched with sweat and was close to hyperventilating. He'd have to take another bath again. The last thing he needed was a fever.
That dream... it wasn't the first time he had it. It started the night after the big confrontation. Even though it was always the same exact dream as before it always felt worse than the last one.
With a groan he threw back the covers to cool down and stared up at the ceiling, trying to clear his head. Outside his room he could hear his dad watching TV along with the cutting sound of the kitchen knife. Raiha was obviously making breakfast. She always got up early to do so. After a few minutes he pushed himself up and stood on wobbly feet. Turing on his light, he took out a fresh set of clothes and grabbed a towel.
He slid open his door to see what would've been another typical day in the house, but things had changed since the big confrontation.
Dad had barely spoken a word to him since that day. While they have never been particularly close, he felt more distant from his dad than before. He may as well have been thrown out of the house. Raiha was no different. She refused to look at him whenever she was around.
"Good morning, big brother," she stiffly greeted as she continued her cooking, not even turning or flashing a smile like she always did.
Fuutarou's chest tightened again. It hurt him to see her reject him like this. With his dad he could live with it, but Raiha...
"You okay, son?" he heard his dad say, "You don't look so good."
From the corner of his eye Fuutarou saw Raiha pause and glance over her shoulder, but said nothing and continued on.
"I didn't sleep well," he said, "I'm going to take a quick bath. How long before breakfast, Raiha?"
"Twenty minutes," she stiffly replied, not even turning to look at him.
He nodded, "I should be done by then. Also... um, both my covers and futon got damp. If you get a chance-"
"I'll take care of it."
He flinched at her harshness, but didn't respond.
"Thanks," he went straight to the bathroom and closed the door.
After the tub was filled with steaming hot water, he stripped off his clothes and stepped in. He hissed slightly as the hot water bit into his damp skin and he slowly lowered himself down, letting the heat seep through his bones. Once he was settled in he gave a sigh of relief. His body became warm and he relaxed. Placing his head against the wall he looked at the opposite one, watching the steam rise and float around the bathroom. His mind began to clear, enough to allow to focus on the problem he faced.
How was he ever going to make it up to the Quints? How could he apologize for all the things he'd done? Would they even be able to forgive him after he had treated them so disrespectfully? Would Nino? Or even... Yotsuba...
Yeah... Yotsuba. Even after reading her letter, her confession, he still couldn't bring himself to believe it. For Yotsuba, the girl he knew from before, to do such things... to her very own sisters, it was just impossible to believe. If it wasn't for that letter, he would've immediately denounced any accusations against Yotsuba. He would've said that she was too nice or too... dumb.
He sighed, lowering himself to where the water reached his mouth. He still didn't want to believe that Yotsuba could be that kind of person, but when he thought of everything that had happened for the past two years, or in between the those years when they were separated, it all added up. Yotsuba never was the person he believed.. no, imagined she was all these years. It was a figment of his imagination. He himself had fallen for her cheerful act just as her sisters did.
Yotsuba never was a nice girl, she only pretended to be one.
No, that wasn't entirely true. Deep down Yotsuba was a good person, she just that she wasn't an honest one. She'd been driven by personal resentment towards her sisters and by her lust towards him, only to lose everything in the end.
The worst part of it all? He had done the same.
Despite his best efforts his thoughts drifted to his mother and what both Chihori and his dad had said about him after her death.
All of it was true. There was no point in denying it anymore. Ever since her death Fuutarou had never been the same. The moment she died he had basically shut himself down. He cut off all forms of emotion and communication, never allowing himself to get close to anyone again. Never again, he had thought. He simply never wanted to go through something like that ever again.
Meeting Yotsuba had given him a purpose, but not a reason to go on. He had just used his studies as a way to not think about the past.
Or the fact that he once had a mother.
Looking at himself now, that was the part that had disgusted him the most. Children should honor the memories of their deceased loved ones, not pretend that they never existed. Raiha had also been right. Fuutarou had convinced himself that his mother had abandoned him so that he wouldn't have to accept the fact that she was dead.
All the decisions he had made in life since his mother's death had been nothing but the acts of a coward. In some ways he was worse than Yotsuba. She had her reasons for acting the way she did, even if it was selfish and cruel, but with Fuutarou it was inexcusable. The quints themselves may have acted selfishly when it came to him, but their feelings were sincere. He knew all that. He just never cared.
Both he and Yotsuba had personal issues of their own, but there was a key difference between them. Yotsuba had been trying to find validation for her own existence whereas he... what did he want?
Now that he thought about it all he'd been doing is looking for excuses to exist. What did he want in his life?
Happiness. That was what he wanted, but the happiness he had been seeking was nothing but artificial. Real happiness came from love.
Love.
He repeated the word in his mind.
Since the time of his mother's death he had turned back on the very thought of love. It was because he believed that love didn't save her, so why should he believe in it? Yet it was love that kept his family together. It was what kept the quints together after their mother died. They, his dad, and his sister, had all shown him love. Gave him love, and he never gave it back. Not once. Not even with Yotsuba.
It was because he didn't believe in love anymore.
He remembered how he told the quints that he loved them all equally and was not going to choose one of them, but it was simply him chickening out of having to make a decision. Since becoming their tutor he'd been trying to keep his distance from them, like with everyone else, but they just kept coming after him. They wouldn't take no for an answer. They never left him alone. They were all guilty of treating him like some object of desire, but he had done worse by keeping them at arms length.
He just wouldn't allow anyone to get close to him. Now he was seeing the effects of his own selfishness.
He thought back to that night when he made his choice, when Yotsuba confessed her feelings to him. He remembered looking up at her face and seeing the tears in hers, the torn emotions on her face. He'd never given it much thought on why she acted the way she did that night. He simply wanted her to say what he wanted to hear. That she would always be by his side.
He didn't care if she loved him or not.
Inwardly he spat at himself in disgust. How could he have been so heartless? How could he not even say that he... loved Yotsuba?
The question took him off guard. Did he love Yotsuba?
He did like her, got along very well with her, but did he love her? It should have been an easy answer to a simple question and yet his mind was totally blank. He honestly didn't know how he really felt about Yotsuba.
He suddenly remembered that one conversation he had with Takeda.
What is it about Yotsuba that makes you like her so much? Is it her smile? Her laugh? The way she acts around you? How does she make you feel?
Feel. That was the key word here. Feel. How did he feel about Yotsuba? He did like her smile, he did like her laugh... but he never felt anything more than that. He never paid attention to anything to any of those other things, the more important things, because he never really cared.
He bit his lip. That really was the worst part about him. All he thought about was himself and never about others or their feelings. It was no wonder that Yotsuba, Raiha, and everyone else had gotten so angry with him.
Then there was Nino. The way she cried that day... he shuddered every time he thought about it. He never imagined anyone could cry like that, especially someone like Nino. He always imagined her as someone who was strong above all else, but now that he knew about her past and all the pain and disappointment she had suffered over the years she deserved better. She deserved so much better that what life had given her.
He remembered what his boss had said to him about something horrible happening to Nino if she continued suffering like this. The very thought scared him more than anything before. After what had happened to Hatsuka, Nino could go down that very same path.
That was something he just couldn't allow, could never live with.
Ichika seemed to believe he could bring Nino out of her depression. Now that he knew that he and Nino were so much alike, maybe he could. Maybe he could save Nino. The problem was... he had no idea how.
But he had to do something. If he didn't it would haunt him for the rest of his life.
If he wanted to repair his relationship with the quints, he had to find a way to help Nino. There was no other way. He didn't want to see her live with a broken heart and a shattered spirit for the rest of her life. It was now up to him to make things right, to bring Nino out of the pit of despair she had fallen into.
But... How? How could he do that?
That was the thing that was frustrating him the most. He just didn't know how to deal with people. He didn't like dealing with personal matters because... it reminded him that he was human. That he had feelings too.
He let out a little growl. His secluded lifestyle and inability to communicate with people was the reason why he had no friends to speak of. He had turned himself into a loner. Everyone he knew had virtually given up on him or was close to it. Why did he let himself become this way?
"Breakfast will be ready in five minutes!" Raiha called, interrupting his thoughts.
"Okay! I'll be right out!" he called back.
Splashing water in his face, he got out of the tub, quickly dried himself, and got dressed. Raiha was serving breakfast when he walked out and they ate in silence.
"Thank you, Raiha," he said after he'd finished, "It was very good."
His sister only gave a stiff nod instead of her usual cheerful smile. He got to his feet, rinsed his bowl, and put it in the sink.
"I'll be in my room... studying," that last word now tasted bitter in his mouth.
Neither his dad nor his sister answered him. Realizing there was nothing else to say he went back to his room.
"Studying," he heard his sister spat not long after, "All he cares about is those stupid flash cards! I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to burn those things every time I see them."
"Careful, Raiha," said his dad, "He'll hear you."
"So what if he does! It's not like he cares anyway."
She may as well have slapped him with that remark. He could just see her burning his notes. Obviously he would've gotten really mad, but at the same he wouldn't blame her. He had one time made flash cards for her to use but would often find them in the trash. She told him that she hated those things and said she didn't need them no matter how much he argued how important they were for her grades. However, as far as he could remember she had never gotten any bad grades and eventually he dropped the matter.
This his sister said, "Those notes are the reason why he's such a moron. They're like a brick wall between him and the rest of the world."
He froze. Yotsuba had said the very same thing. He looked over at his mini desk where one of his collection of flash cards lay. Surely there wasn't anything with them? Right? No, it wasn't the flash cards themselves that were the problem. It was what they represented to all those around him. A wall that he had built to protect himself from the outside world and to hide from his pain. Just like Raiha and Yotsuba said.
"They are what keeps him going," said his dad.
Raiha snorted, "To where? Does he even know what he wants to do with his life after he graduates? What's the point of being so smart if you don't know how to use your brain?"
"He has to be smart in order to get a good job. He wants to make sure that you're happy and won't have to pay off the debt yourself."
Something slammed against table.
"Haven't I told you before?!" Raiha was no longer keeping her voice low, "I don't care about the stupid debt!"
"If we don't pay it off I'll end up going to jail, then you and Fuutarou will be left all by yourselves."
"I know that, but..." he heard Raiha start to cry, "I don't want him to be the smartest guy on the planet. I just want him to be my brother!"
Fuutarou sighed deeply. He never knew how Raiha had been suffering all this time. It hurt her to see him live like this. It hurt him more than it did with the quints.
"I also want him to be happy," she went on, "What's the point of me being happy if he isn't happy?"
"You have to be happy for his sake."
"I don't want to be happy just for his sake. I want him to be happy for his own sake. Stop trying to defend him, Dad. My Big Brother doesn't exist anymore. All I see there is a stranger."
How he wished he could ignore all this, or that he was somewhere else. They knew he was listening.
"You're really worried about him, aren't you?" said his dad.
"Of course I am! Why shouldn't I be? Is it too much for me to want him to be happy? I don't want to see him spending the rest of his life as a loner. I don't want to get married and have kids before he does. I want to be an aunt first before I become a mother. I want him to find true love and live a happy life. When he brought Itsuki over for the first time I thought it might finally happen, but of course he had to go and mess everything up like he always does," she sobbed again, "Actually... forget all that. All I really want... is to see him smile again. I haven't seen him smile ever since Mom died. At times I feel like he doesn't even want to smile. I can't stand seeing him like this! Am I being selfish for even thinking this way?"
"No, you're not, kiddo. That's just how much you love your brother," Fuutarou could tell that his dad was rubbing Raiha's little head, "I feel the exact same way. It hurts to see him like this too."
"Can't you talk to him? Make him understand-"
"I can't force him to change, Raiha. The only person who can change Fuutarou is Fuutarou himself. He needs to understand that himself. All we can do is hope that he will one day."
"I'm beginning to think that day will never come," she said scornfully, "He's so obsessed with being successful, but all he's really proven is how much of a failure he is."
Raiha headed off to school shortly afterwards, but Fuutarou had remained where he was.
Failure.
Out of all of the things she said that one pierced him deep. If she had said that a year ago he probably would've slapped her for saying that. But now...
He shook and turned back to his notes. Regardless of how things were the final was still coming and he had to concentrate on it.
Or at least... he tried to. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep focus. His mind kept drifting off to what he'd just heard and everything that had happened over the past week. Eventually he found himself just staring at his notes blankly, and to his surprise... he didn't feel like studying. At all. Finally he gave up and lied down on his back, arms spread and looking up at the ceiling again.
Chihori's lecture about his studies and perfect grade came back to him.
Your studies haven't benefited you at all! What have you actually gained? Just what are you hoping to accomplish?
What was he trying to accomplish? What had he accomplished? He thought about all the things he'd done over the years and realized he had accomplished... nothing. That's right. He hadn't accomplished a single thing in his life. He was just looking for excuses to go on. Sure, he'd gotten perfect scores in almost every test he'd taken over the years, but what he actually learned? He had no goal, no ambition, no livelong dream, no nothing.
What Raiha said was true. He really was a failure.
He was a failure as a student.
He was a failure as a tutor.
He was a failure as a friend.
He was a failure as a boyfriend.
He was a failure as a son.
He was a failure as a brother.
He was a failure as a man.
He was a failure as a person.
He was, beyond all doubt, a complete and utter failure. He had accomplished nothing in his life. Even if he did get a decent job, it would just be an excuse to exist.
Fuutarou looked out the window, noticing that the rain had stopped and the sun was starting to come out. He got to his feet and changed into his street clothes.
His dad was still sitting where he was. He turned as his son came out and raised a brow.
"I'm gonna go out for a walk," he simply told him, "Get some fresh air."
His dad knew he had heard everything, but said nothing.
"Why don't you pick up a few things while you're at it?" he said instead.
Fuutarou was handed a shopping list and some money. He agreed without protest and stuffed them in his pocket before the apartment without saying goodbye.
Isanari watched his son go and sighed heavily.
What was he going to do with him?
Ever since his wife died things hadn't been the same. It had only gotten worse as time went on. His boy had become a pathetic excuse of a man and his little princess was becoming more depressed by the day. She really loved being with those quints, especially Itsuki. Now it seemed like she would never see them again thanks to Fuutarou's screw up.
Isanari directed his gaze to the TV again but after a few minutes he became bored and turned it off, switching his attention to the newspaper. He tried to read, but soon found himself staring blankly at the pages.
If only Tomoko hadn't died. She never would've never allowed Fuutarou to become like this. He was, if not already, becoming too much like the very man she hated. She would've been heartbroken to Fuutarou become such a heartless jerk who cared more about himself and his success than all those around him.
Isanari cursed himself for not dealing with Fuutarou before when the signs became obvious. If it wasn't for that stupid debt he could spend more time with his children. It wasn't fair that they were stuck with it. He couldn't understand why-
A soft knock on the door disrupted his thoughts. He frowned and glanced at his watch.
It had only been ten minutes, way too soon for Fuutarou to be back already.
The soft knock came again and he remembered that his son wouldn't have bothered knocking. He had his own key too. It had to be a visitor.
Isanari got to his feet, wondering who it could be. He wasn't expecting anyone. Perhaps it was one of the quints or maybe even Maruo.
"Who is it?" he called after he reached the door.
"An old friend of yours," came a woman's voice.
He stared at the door, startled. That was a voice he hadn't heard in a long time. Unlocking the door he was greeted by a face he also hadn't seen in a long time.
"Izumi," he couldn't have been more surprised.
The woman smiled, "Hello, Isanari. It's been a while."
Fuutarous stood at the entrance of the cemetery where his mother remains were buried. He couldn't remember how he arrived or how long he'd been standing there. He kept debating whether or not to go in and visit her grave. In the end though... he still didn't have the heart. With a sigh he turned and made his way home, carrying the groceries with him.
"I'm home," he announced when he came through the door.
He took off his shoes and started to approach the living room... only to stop dead.
Seated across from his dad was a very attractive woman who looked to be somewhere in her thirties. She had long dark blue hair that was done in three thick curls tied by a white ribbon. He then noticed that she was observing Fuutarou with sharp green eyes. The way her eyes looked over him made Fuutarou uncomfortable. It was if she was staring right into his soul.
Is this... Dad's new girlfriend? was the first thing that went through his mind.
As far as he was aware Dad wasn't dating anyone. Hell, he didn't even seem interested, probably because his mom was the only woman he ever loved, and this woman looked well out of his league. By her fancy outfit alone Fuutarou could tell that she was rich, and the sharpness of her eyes made him believe that this was a no nonsense type of woman. There was no way a woman like that would date a guy like his dad, unless he had just gotten incredibly lucky. Still, it just didn't seem right that Dad would be seeing another woman.
"Ah, welcome back, Fuutarou," his dad said, "You're just in time. I like to meet you to meet someone."
Oh, crap. She really is his girlfriend.
Fuutarou didn't what to think as the unexpected guest stood.
"This is Izumi Himuro," his dad introduced, "She's an old friend of mine. She also knew your mother."
Fuutarou blinked, looking back and forth between the two in confusion.
"She attended our wedding," his dad further explained, "We haven't seen each other since then."
"Oh," Fuutarou blinked again, "Oh!"
The woman laughed and looked at his dad, "I think he was assuming something else. He must've thought I was your new girlfriend."
His dad looked at her in horror, "You? Hell no! That's a nightmare I'd never wake up from."
She laughed again, "Yes, I suppose I would've made your life a living hell. Thankfully, you had Tomoko."
Fuutarou saw her glance over at his mother's shrine before looking back at him.
"I'm very pleased to meet you Fuutarou," she held out her hand, "Your Dad were just talking about you."
He shook her hand nervously. Those eyes seemed to pierce him.
"N-Nice to meet you too."
Izumi... Himuro. Fuutarou felt like he had heard that name somewhere before.
"Well, then," his dad suddenly clapped his hands, "Since he's here now shall I leave you two be?"
Wait, what? Fuutarou stared at him.
"That would be preferable," replied their guest, sounding very determined.
"Great," his dad turned to the door, "You're the host now, Fuutarou. Don't do anything stupid."
His jaw dropped, "Wait, Dad! Where are you going?"
"It's my day off and it's a nice day. Why not go for a walk like you did?" he put on his shoes, "Think I'll drop by and pick up Raiha from school on the way back."
He was out the door and gone before Fuutarou could say anything else.
"Uh..." he turned back to the woman, who had sat back down, "Okay... uh..."
He was honestly at a loss at what to do. He never had a guest before while being all by himself.
Izumi Himuro seemed to have noticed his sudden distress and chuckled.
"Don't be so nervous, young man. I may bark, but I don't bite," she gestured for him to sit, "Come and join me."
Unable to himself his swallowed. He felt even more nervous. He took his place while she poured him some green tea.
"How long have you known my Dad?"
"I only met him a few times when he and your mother were dating. I knew your mother better. She was a few years older than me. I spent the early part of my childhood living in the same neighborhood as she."
"Oh, I see," he took his tea.
He must have said that a little too quickly, for she suddenly said, "You really don't like talking about her, do you?"
He jumped, almost spilling his drink, but when he looked at her she was already pouring another cup for herself.
"Um... so why are you here?" he asked, hoping to change the subject, "And why did my dad leave? Aren't you catching up?"
"I came here to see you, Fuutarou," she said.
He frowned, "Why would you want to see me?"
"Because I also happen to know the Quints."
He froze.
"Specifically, their mother. I went to school with her and we were close friends. The last time I saw the quints themselves was when they were newborns."
He took a breath, "The Quints... you mean..."
"Yes, the very same quints that you were tutoring until recently. Their stepdad called me after the fallout between you and them."
He almost groaned. He should've known. Of course it would be about the quints and how he had treated them. Wonderful. Just what he needed.
"He actually asked me to come over and help Yotsuba after she was kicked out," she added, making him look at her again.
"How is she doing?" he automatically asked.
"She's better, but still pretty devastated. I'll be seeing her again later today," she then looked right at him, "I asked Maruo to give your address because I felt I needed to have the same kind of conversation with you as I did with Yotsuba."
He sighed irritably, no longer caring, "So what do you want to lecture me on? I've already been chewed out twice this past week."
She raised a brow at him, "Actually, I wanted to ask you something."
He looked at her as she sipped her tea.
"What is it that you really want, Fuutarou?" she asked, "What do you want most in your life?"
He blinked again, confused by her question.
"You don't know? Chihori told me that you wanted to be necessary."
"Chihori?"
"Oh, you didn't know? She happens to be my cousin."
"Oh," he hadn't expected that, "Yeah... what she said is true. I wanted to be necessary. To someone."
"But why?" she asked next, "Why do you have to be necessary to someone? Why can't you just be yourself? Be your own man? Live your own life?"
It was a while before he spoke.
"Because... I don't know who I am, or what I am. All I know is that I'm an absolute jerk and a complete moron," he spat out his breath, "You know, I actually went to the cemetery before I came home."
"Oh? You paid a visit to your mother?"
He shook his head, "I didn't even go in to visit her grave. After all this time I still don't have the guts."
"You mean you're not sure what you would say to her."
He threw up his hands, "What can I say to her? Sorry for being such a disappointment of a son? That I'm nothing but a coward? That my whole life fell apart after she died and I haven't been able to get it back together? That I'm afraid of loving someone again? That I'm afraid that person will leave me? Just like she did?"
"That's not what you're afraid of, Fuutarou."
He frowned at her, "What are you talking about? That's exactly what I'm afraid of."
"No," she said firmly, "What you're really afraid of, Fuutarou, is letting go."
That stopped him in his tracks. Was that really what it was?
"Let me ask you something, Fuutarou. Do you know how your parents got together?"
He hesitated, trying to remember.
"A little," he replied, "I know that her father didn't approve of my dad and that it caused her to be disowned by her family when she defied them."
He said nothing more after that.
"That it?" she clearly expected more.
"That's all I remember. I do remember Raiha asking Dad how they met one time, but I didn't really pay attention because..."
"You were too busy studying," she finished.
He bit his lip, "Yeah."
"Hmm," she took another sip of her tea, "Let me tell you the full story then. Your mother and father attended the same school together. He was a delinquent while she was the most popular girl in school. Every boy there was in love with her, including your father, but no one had the courage to approach her. She was considered unreachable. At school she was the queen of the world, but at home... it was hell for her. Do you know anything about your grandparents? Especially on your mother's side?"
Fuutarou shook his head, but he did find himself very intrigued.
"Her father, your grandfather, was a cold selfish bastard, obsessed with success and having no heart whatsoever."
He stiffened, remembering how Chihori had described him in a similar manner.
"He treated your mother, and your grandmother, very poorly. He thought of them as nothing but tools for him to use. In fact, he saw everything as a tool. Your grandmother died as a result of his heartless abuse and your mother hated him for it."
Somehow he felt that she was talking about him. It sounded too familiar to how he treated Yotsuba and the other quints.
"Then during the middle of her second year he picked a fiance for her, and surprisingly the man he chose was very good to her. Not that he cared. All he was interested in was the business deal that came with it and the profit he would make from it. What's more, your father knew him. He actually saved his life one time and he looked up to him like an older brother. It was also thanks to him that he was able to grow closer to your mother. They got along very well, despite his less than ideal background."
Fuutarou was surprised to hear that. Dad had never mentioned anything his mother's fiancee.
"After graduation your parents went their separate ways. Your father joined the Army section of the JSDF and then after that he went to live in America for a time. Meanwhile, your mother went to college, despite her father's objections. He kept saying that it was unnecessary, seeing that she was going to be married, but she ignored him. He simply didn't want to pay for it, and he was impatient to get the wedding over with so he could secure the business deal. But he had to remain patient and not upset the groom's parents out of fear that the deal would be called off."
There was a long pause before her voice turned sad.
"The years passed, and all seemed well, but then her fiance was killed in a skiing accident a week before the wedding."
"Damn..." he suddenly remembered how Nino had lost her first crush so tragically.
"She was completely devastated, and was very lonely. Do you know who she went to for comfort? Your father. Around the same time that happened she learned that he was returning to Japan and went to greet him at the airport. He was very happy to see her, of course, but it was only he saw her black kimono that he learned of the death of her fiance," she looked at Fuutarou, "Your father and I were talking about this while we were waiting for you. He told me that he'd never seen her look so vulnerable when he held her in his arms. He always believed that she was always strong, no matter what."
Vulnerable, he thought, just like Nino.
All this time he never realized just how vulnerable Nino really was. After the death of their mother she had taken on the role all herself, from the cooking to being overprotective of her sisters. It was just like Ichika said. Nino had always been there for her sisters but no one had been there for her. She had to deal with her problems all on her own. And then to be betrayed by Yotsuba, the one sister she had gone out of her way to help, it had torn apart all the trust she had.
Nine had simply wanted what every teenage girl did. Finding true love, living the life she wanted, and having a family of her own one day. The first part was so important to her because she wouldn't accept anything less, but every time she had a chance in achieving it always turned into a disaster, him being the latest. She wasn't as strong as everyone, including himself, believed she was. She was cool and collected on the outside but emotional and impulsive on the inside. For years she had tried to stay positive and optimistic but every failure had slowly diminished her spirit until finally she broke.
Fuutarou closed his eyes. Nino was starting to remind him of his mother. He wasn't sure how he felt about that.
The event did help them become closer," Himuro-san went on, making him open his eyes again, "Meanwhile, her father was trying to find her a new husband. Since he had lost the business deal with her fiance's death he had to find a new one, but she wasn't interested. She instead preferred to be with your father. Eventually he found the courage to ask her out and they soon fell in love."
"But her dad didn't approve of him?" said Fuutarou.
"No, he didn't, and he really went out of his way to try and keep them apart. He would constantly criticize your father not being ambitious enough and he kept trying to convince your mother that he wasn't good enough for her simply because he didn't come from a rich and prestigious family."
Fuutarou remembered his dad saying that he had been raised by his grandfather and had never mentioned his parents. He never wondered why until now.
"He didn't care that they loved each other. To him, love was irrelevant."
Love was irrelevant. That sounded like something he would say.
"But no matter how hard he tried your mother refused to bend to his will. You can imagine all the arguments they had, the shouting, the screaming, the threats. Eventually it led to him casting her out. I had just moved back into the neighborhood when it happened. It caused quite the stir."
A long minute passed as she finished. Fuutarou just sat there quietly.
"Was it worth it?" he then asked out of the blue.
She looked at him, "Worth what?"
"Giving up her privileged life in order to be with Dad?"
"Of course it was. It showed just how much your mother loved your father, what she was willing to give up in order to be with him. You two wouldn't exist if it wasn't for their love, Fuutarou. You and Raiha were created from it."
"But then she got sick and died," he said bitterly, "After all the money we spent trying to save her it didn't make a difference. Was that also worth it? Going into debt and having to live in this rundown apartment?"
A moment passed before Himuro-san said, "Your sister got to know her mother, didn't she?"
"Yeah."
"Then I say it was worth it, and now I know the real reason why you're incapable of showing any kind of affection."
He stared at her as she leaned closer and looked him in the eye.
"You turned your back on love because it didn't save your mother. You hate the very idea of it because it causes you nothing but pain. You've reached the point that you want to be in control of everything."
Silence passed. There was no way Fuutarou could deny that because it was all true. He had turned his back on love for that very reason and he had wanted to be in control of everything.
"I told you the story of your parents as a way to warn you, Fuutarou."
His eyes snapped to hers.
"You're starting to become too much like your grandfather. In fact, you already resemble him. In more ways than one."