Balin: And you're sure that Smaug is gone?
Bilbo: Balin, can you see a big ass dragon in there?
Dwalin: Pfft, Smaug isn't a big ass dragon. He's only a fucking baby compared to some of the older ones.
Gloin: Yeah, Ancalagon was WAY bigger than Smaug.
Bilbo: Really? How big was he?
Dwalin: Well, let me put it this way: Smaug may have lived inside a mountain, but Ancalagon WAS a mountain.
Bilbo: That doesn't seem physically possible.
Thorin: Will you people shut up? If Smaug's gone, we have the golden opportunity to search for the Arkenstone.
Ori: Won't stealing that just piss him off more?
Bilbo: After what I saw, I don't think that's possible.
Bombur: Yeah Ori, stop being stupid.
Bilbo: Now, everyone remember, if Smaug comes back, he has a single missing scale on his chest, so aim for that *a thrush flies past him as he says this, then out through a small crack towards Lake-Town*
Gloin: Really? You think we can find and hit the spot where there's a single missing scale?
Bilbo: Do you have a better idea?
Gloin: …well, we're screwed.
Thorin: Okay everyone, fan out and start searching.
Bofur: What, through everything?
Thorin: Yes, everything.
Fili: Dude, have seen how much gold is here?
Kili: Scrooge McDuck would be jealous of this much gold.
Oin: Actually, Forbes figured out that Scrooge is about $11.3 billion richer than Smaug.
Bilbo: …wait, and I'm entitled to a share of this?
Thorin: You ain't entitled to shit if you don't find that Arkenstone.
Bilbo: What's so important about it, anyway?
Thorin: It's mine, and I want it.
Bilbo: Is it, like, magical or something?
Thorin: No, I just want it back.
Bilbo: …okay, fine, what's it look like?
Thorin: Like a big shiny stone, now get looking *heads off to start his search*
Bilbo: *grumbling* Jeez, what a prick. The thing's probably buried under a ton of this gold. It's not like I'm just going to stumble over the Arkenstone by cha… *trips over something* What the hell was… *sees the Arkenstone* …well, that was convenient.
Thorin: *in the distance* What was convenient?
Bilbo: *pocketing the Arkenstone* Uh…I tripped and almost fell on a sword?
Thorin: Well, be more careful then.
Nori: Speaking of careful, shouldn't we get out of here before Smaug returns?
Thorin: But we haven't found the Arkenstone yet.
Dori: And do you really think we will if Smaug comes back and eats and/or burns us all?
Thorin: *sighs* I suppose not. Come on, let's go find somewhere to rest *starts leading them to a wide corridor*
Bilbo: Isn't this where Smaug left from?
Thorin: So?
Nori: *pockets jangling* Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?
Bilbo: Are you robbing the dragon we've pissed off?
Bomfur: *pockets also jangling* What do you mean 'we'?
Bilbo: *sighs* I wonder what Smaug is doing right now?
*meanwhile, in Lake-Town*
Bard: Hey guys, I'm back. Did I miss anything?
Dave: Hey Bard, you missed the dwarven king returning.
Keith: Yeah, he's heading over to the mountain to take care of that dragon.
Bard: Aww, man. I always miss the fun stuff.
Dave: Don't worry, I'm sure the next time we hear from the dwarves, it'll be because they've slain the dragon.
Keith: Yep, that's definitely what's going to happen *ominous distant roaring*