(Posted December 4, 2018)

The Pizza Place Where Worlds Collide

Year of Water, Spring of the Aligned Raindrops

Friday, May 14th, 2004 - 9:16 pm

If Tad and Chad were the knights of popularity, sweeping back and forth across the chessboard of human relationships in flip-flopping patterns and unpredictable bounces until they closed in on a target who had never seen them coming, then Veronica was the bishop whose motive was clear. And if Veronica was the bishop of the chessboard, then Trixie Tang was the empress who owned the game and kept it out on display in her dainty little sitting room with all the pieces set out exactly where she wanted them.

That's what Kevin decided when Chad introduced him to the black-haired, blue-eyed girl outside Shirley's Original Pizzeria. She wore a pink turtleneck, even though it was May and California nights were much warmer than the ones he knew in Idaho. It shouldn't have worked with her short white skirt, but somehow, Trixie made the mismatch make total sense, and look great too. The short sleeves probably helped with that. Kevin didn't normally consider himself the kind of boy who had started liking girls yet, but approaching Trixie suddenly made him feel shy. Especially in his stupid old bear pajamas. I mean, here was this pretty girl coming out of her way to meet him for pizza and welcome him to town, and he hadn't even dressed up. Whoopsie. Well, if they ever grew up and got married, someday they would look back on this and laugh.

He had always been the tallest kid in his grade by far. One look at Trixie told him she had grown up under the same label. She fit snugly in her position and wouldn't take kindly to being booted out of it now that Kevin had come to town. When she shook his hand, she had to tilt back her head to meet his eyes. Kevin could tell instantly that this minor detail landed him on her blacklist for life. And having a sweaty palm when they shook hands like grown-ups probably didn't do him any favors.

"You're staying with your uncle for the summer?" she asked after the greetings were exchanged. She flicked most of her hair behind one shoulder. She'd tied it in a low ponytail, but loosely. It looked nice, all silky without a hint of frizz.

"Um." Kevin redirected his attention from her earrings to her face. "Yeah, just 'til August. I'd never met my Uncle Denzel before now."

Trixie bobbed her head, her eyes partly glazed with absentminded thought. She drummed her fingers on her leg. "Mr. Crocker said you like robots." (She pronounced it Crocker, like it was the name of a fancy shampoo.) "If all goes well for you today, we'll have to get together sometime and see what you can do."

Kevin blinked. "Wait. You mean, you actually want to talk to me?" Yeah, the cool kids in town had invited him to hang out, but… Well, Kevin had just assumed he was so lame, they wouldn't actually go through with it. Maybe his uncle had bribed them or something.

"Sure." Trixie twirled a few strands of hair around her finger, glancing up at the stars. She frowned. "It's all part of our responsibility as popular kids."

… What was that supposed to mean?

Tad opened the door to Shirley's and waved the rest of them in with a grand flourish, as though welcoming them to a prince's ball. Trixie paid him no attention further than a slight nod, but he pumped his fist in a silent "Yes!" anyway. Veronica followed her lead (to considerably less fanfare). Kevin followed too, but with his smile straining.

At the last second, he started to turn back and say thanks, but kept walking and bumped into someone who suddenly appeared in front of him as though from thin air. Cardboard dug into his stomach. "Oof," he grunted. Looking down, Kevin found himself face to face with a scruffy redheaded boy about eight years old, or maybe a little younger. Much too young to be buying pizza by himself. Huh? Who belonged to this kid?

"I'm sorry," Kevin stammered out, even though the pizza boxes didn't even look dented. He brushed off his shirt, trying not to make it obvious he was shaking away crumbs and potential globs of sauce.

The redheaded boy only smiled. "It happens." He shrugged, adjusting his grip on the box. "Happens a lot." With a hum in his voice and a spring in his step, he brushed past Kevin and headed not for the main door, but for a nearby archway lined with glittering rainbow crystals that shimmered and shone.

Wait, what? Kevin blinked. He stepped out onto the sidewalk again. Tad watched in faintly repressed amusement, still holding the glass door with his fingertips. After several puzzled seconds, Kevin came back in to study the bejeweled arch up close.

There was no denying it. The arch took up space along the exact same wall of the restaurant the main entrance did, but it didn't seem to lead to a dining area or anything. Only to a long hallway that ended in wavy shadows. A hallway that shouldn't have been there, because outside the building, it didn't exist.

"What?" Kevin moved his finger in the air back and forth, back and forth. "There's no wall there."

Chad lifted his shoulders in a shrug, a guilty smirk smeared across his face. Tad muffled a snort, and Veronica scoffed. Trixie merely shook her head and turned her back. Um. Okay then. Pressing his middle finger against the bridge of his glasses, Kevin stole a moment to examine the details of his new surroundings–his actual physical surroundings that obeyed the laws of reality. Lots of bricks, he thought in annoyance. Weren't bricks a little old-fashioned by now? It was 2004. Get with the times.

Shirley's turned out to be a lot bigger on the inside than he'd thought it would be. First things first, there was the front… desk podium. Register. Place. A pretty girl with braided hair offered everyone hand sanitizer and cheap slap bracelets with the words C.P. ACTIVE stamped across them in bold red text. Trixie and Veronica took theirs without hesitation (much to Kevin's surprise, since the bracelets didn't exactly look fashionable). But when Chad grabbed three more and offered one to Kevin, he didn't say no. He turned it over in his hands, squinting at the writing. The bracelet itself sparkled like an emerald in a dishwasher, even though the restaurant lights were dimmed down. It looked a little weird, like it bent in a direction it wasn't supposed to, or something. "Wow, photorealistic much?" he muttered, patting it against his palm.

Then he looked up. Tad and Chad were grinning. Veronica leaned slightly forward, her hands wrapped in the hem of her sweater. Even Trixie's careless attention fluttered across his face. Kevin shifted his eyes between them, tightening his fingers around the slap bracelet.

"Why are you all staring at me?"

"So…" Chad tilted down his shades. "How do you feel?"

"… Fine, I guess. This'll be great. I'm starved, and it was swell of you guys to invite me out."

Swell? Did people even say 'swell' anymore?

Tad stretched his arms towards the ceiling, sending his blue bracelet sliding almost to his elbow. "Me, I feel like I could sprint to Brightburg in ten minutes flat."

Veronica bobbed her head. "I could scale a skyscraper in four."

"I could get crushed by a piano and crawl out without a single broken bone in my body," Chad insisted.

Trixie rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, that's kind of how it works."

Kevin glanced between them, the hairs prickling on the back of his neck. Boy, his sense of humor had fallen out of touch. He couldn't even understand what they were talking about. Maybe he'd been spending too much time alone with his projects after all. With a shrug, he slapped his bracelet across his wrist. At least it was green. Green was a nice color.

The bracelet lit like a flashlight when it wrapped tight. Instantly, his wrist dropped like he'd strapped it to a rock. His knuckles smacked against his leg. Kevin stared at his forearm, not… really registering what had just happened. What? Was that his hand? His arm had gone tingly all the way up to his shoulder. When he moved his fingers, he could see them curling, but he couldn't feel them.

"Whoa," he mumbled. He tilted his head, cradling his ear in his palm. "I don't feel so good…"

He started to slump backwards, but Tad caught him beneath the arms and boosted him onto his feet again. Kevin shook his wrist, and his entire arm flapped in a boneless way that was probably normal, but definitely looked weird. He squinted at his bracelet. "Uh… I guess my weird allergies are acting up. What's this thing made of?"

Tad pursed his lips, stepping in front of him. "30% rectanathre, I think?"

"What?" Kevin snapped his head around. Literally everybody knew the street name for that one. He clapped a hand over his mouth; it smacked like a rubber glove. "You gave me cartoon physics? Like, 30% straight cartoon physics? Are you serious? Mommy's gonna take my soldering iron if she finds out I'm doing drugs!" He'd only been in town for a few hours, and he was already making rebellious choices. Kevin sagged on Veronica's shoulder with a mumble of, "I'm gonna pass out."

"Ew, hey!" Veronica shoved him off and took a step closer to Trixie. Kevin lurched the other way. Clucking his tongue, Chad took hold of his shoulder and made a flat line with his other hand.

"Dude, be chill. These things've been legal in Dimmsdale since 2002. Now, if you wanna hang with us tonight, you're gonna have to wear it. Safety first, y'know? You can't exist outside this universe without it. I mean, you can try, but that never ends well."

"Beats Leo's harness," Tad said cheerfully.

Kevin glanced at them both. He glanced at his wrist. Then at Trixie. All the cool kids were all waiting for him, balanced expectantly on the tips of their toes. And Kevin didn't doubt for a second they'd ditch him if he didn't want to play by their rules. They had other options. Kevin bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut at the same time, and didn't say anything else.

Shirley's, as it turned out, was actually divided into separate dining areas that ringed the central buffet like spokes on a wagon wheel. Each room could be accessed through a different decorated archway, and to Kevin's amazement, the restaurant buzzed with activity even this late in the evening. A tall boy with an impressive cowlick sketched an intricate beach scene across an old-fashioned chalkboard that listed the specials of the day (Today's soup was clam chowder, hence the beach).

Kevin took one step in that direction to get a better look at his drawings, only to jerk back with a yelp. An enormous german shepherd wearing a policeman's cap trotted past him, holding a pizza box in his mouth that bore a smeared blue paw print on one corner. The dog vanished through one of the arches. The sign above it read Adventure Bay in flowing cursive. Oh. A teen with an orange backpack and shaggy brown hair knelt on the floor nearby, examining the scaly pink hand of a fluffy blue… dragon-cat creature that looked more like a giant guinea pig with purple horns. Also, this teen may or may not have had a real actual jaguar curled up on the floor behind him, watching his every move?

Okay, sure. Between his uncle's fairy traps, the ghost boy in the pilgrim clothes, Girlfriend's/Miss Idaho's ability to talk, and the glowing bracelet infused with illegal drugs capable of turning his limbs elastic, this wasn't any weirder than all the other stuff he'd dealt with tonight. Kevin shrugged and kept looking around the place, even as Tad, Chad, and Veronica watched him with hopeful stares. He could feel their eyes blazing holes in the back of his skull.

He'd expected gushing blasts of cold air, wobbly chairs, and paper napkins, but found himself faced instead with black tables, enormous C-shaped booth seats, and silverware wrapped in dark blue cloth. Buffet counters lined the perimeter. Instead of dirty red-brown tiles, the floor had been patterned with interesting grays and splashes of yellow.

Kevin shook his head, and then his arm. "I have to admit, I was sort of thinking that at a pizza place, we'd just walk up and grab something in a box to go."

"Times change," Veronica said, with a swift glance at her brother. "So, um, what do you think?"

"I guess I like it."

"Not too weird for you?" Tad asked. They all gave him Those Looks again. The Any second now, he'll run off screaming with his arms flailing and his tail between his legs sort of looks. Kevin glanced between the four kids, not… totally sure how to respond to that.

"I'm good," he finally said.

Flutters of disappointment crossed their expressions, but they didn't let his answer get them down. Shrugging, they paid their entrance fees at the register and headed towards the buffet. Kevin stopped walking, awkward as a fish in his bear pajamas. He lifted one hand and cocked his head to the side. "Uhh…"

No pockets. No wallet. No money.

The boys rushed to the food, and Veronica kept on their heels like a helicopter puppy on a leash of twine. But Trixie happened to check over her shoulder and spy him there. She paused, lips pursed.

"Um," Kevin said, tugging at his collar.

Sighing, Trixie clipped back towards him in her high-heeled boots. Kevin wondered how much longer she would keep those shoes before upgrading them to something that boosted her height above even his. She seemed like the type who would care about that. In her typical regal way, she handed her credit card over the front counter to the girl at the register (Miriam, her name tag read). Miriam skimmed the card through the machine and handed it back. Kevin released his breath.

"Thanks–"

"One favor or public act of self-humiliation, to be claimed at a later date. You're welcome." Trixie turned on her heel and flowed back to the buffet. Kevin blinked after her, his stomach sinking to his knees. Oh.

He found the stack of hot plates and took one. All right. So, what was he hungry for? He'd been longing for variety while sitting on the floor of Grandmama's and Uncle Denzel's kitchen, but now, faced with so many choices, Kevin couldn't help but feel a little lost. Shirley's may have gotten its humble start as a pizza restaurant, but clearly, it had expanded over the last fifty years (or however long it had been around). Trixie, Tad, Chad, and Veronica all seemed to be circling the buffet as a group, like a school of sharks. For the most part they avoided the pizza options, instead favoring steamed vegetables and enormous cinnamon rolls. Kevin's hand hesitated over the final slice of pepperoni pizza on the platter. In the end, he followed their lead.

Between the soup and salad counters, Trixie stopped dead. She was in the lead, so the rest of her posse fanned out behind her. They ducked backwards. Tad grabbed Kevin's wrist and yanked him after them.

"What?" Kevin whispered, peering over their heads. Anyone who could make the popular kids lose their cool had to be pretty important.

A man with a red shirt and graying hair stood at the counter that served turkey. He loosely held the wrist of a thin blond boy who looked about twelve. Thirteen at the most. The boy only wore two colors on his entire body: yellow and white. This was true all the way from the white sunglasses with yellow-tinted lenses down to his socks and sneakers. Not even his laces were black. He held the sleekest silver cell phone Kevin had ever seen in his one free hand, but although that was cool, Kevin hadn't planned to give this strangely yellow-clad boy a second glance until Trixie fluttered her fingers and whisper-called, "Hi, Leo,"

Leo glanced at the gray-haired man beside him, who was too busy arguing with someone on the far side of the turkey to notice. Then he quietly slipped his wrist loose and gave it a shake. For his next trick, he tried to approach their half-hidden group between the counters, but didn't make it far before an odd harness-like contraption around his chest halted him in his tracks. It looked like one of those baby leashes overprotective parents stuck on their toddlers at amusement parks, but made of metal (and shiny white as porcelain). The straps were decked out with curious yellow lights. The other end of the leash seemed like it might be attached to the waist of the guy at the counter. Kevin slid his eyes downward. A second rope that connected to the gray-haired man's middle also stretched down to a black-haired guy, bored, who sat on the floor picking at the bottom of his combat boot with a blue plastic knife.

Even with the sunglasses on, Kevin couldn't miss Leo rolling his eyes. He unclipped the front of the harness and shrugged it from his shoulders. This, he set quietly to the floor beside the black-haired man (who raised an eyebrow, but kept his mouth shut), and then trotted over to join their hunkered group behind the other counter.

"Hey, Trix," he said, holding out his arms for a hug. Trixie sprang to her feet. The pair embraced, with Trixie being very careful not to spill her plate. Once he let go of her, Leo gave the Guildfords a courtesy salute. Then he turned to Kevin. "Ooh, who's the new kid?"

"Crockpot's nephew," Chad supplied, and Tad drove the nail deeper with, "He's the latest in a long line of town crazies."

Kevin flinched, but Leo only grinned. "Ah, cake! What are the odds? Me too!"

As he spoke, Kevin was actually watching the gray-haired man at the meat counter look down at his empty hand for the first time. He went stiff. He jerked his head left, right, then spun in a circle.

"What–? Oh no! Eddie, where did he go?"

The black-haired guy on the floor shrugged. "I'unno. Trainland Happyville, maybe?"

"Who was he with? Please don't say he took the underwater portal again."

Eddie continued scraping the plastic knife along his boot. "Listen, James. Let's straighten one thing out between us. I am Leo's uncle first, and your baby cousin second. I'm the only smart and pretty uncle he's got, too, so don't go smacking this beautiful face of mine around. And since I like that kid, that means I am duty-bound to keep his secrets out of the evil parental clutches of you and that demon witch you married."

Kevin glanced at Leo, who watched this display unfold with the same grin Molly slipped into when she'd gotten away with painting a piece of furniture jet black without her dad noticing. James tightened his hands into fists.

"You mean he's running around the dimensional crossroads unsupervised? Aw, he could be halfway across the multiverse by now. Come on." He grabbed Eddie and yanked him to his feet. "If you aren't going to help, at least don't slow me down."

"Whatever you say, pumpkin pie."

"Feet move forward, Eddie. That's not forward!"

Eddie snorted. "Hey, it's forward in the backwards dimension. That's what you always call ol' Dimmsdale anyway, right? S'probably where he went."

They disappeared through one of the smaller archways, with James cursing up a storm of chemical formulas the whole time. Leo smothered a chuckle in the crook of his arm, then turned back to Kevin. "Don't you just love it? Makes family reunions a thousand times more entertaining, huh? Right? Hey. Hey, don't leave me hanging, cake." When Kevin didn't response, Leo tilted up his sunglasses and winked. "Come on, Kev, you know what I mean. It's minty to be the local kooky house. Every town has one, so live up the lottery you won, right? Smile and wave and laugh it off when everything goes to nuts. Nothing better than a family who keep you on your toes. Right, bucko? No? Just me?"

"I just…" Kevin looked away, drumming his fingers against the bottom of his plate. The hot condensation stung. "I don't really like my family being called 'town crazies,' that's all."

"Gotcha. Well, that's fair. Every couple generations, there's bound to be a little rebel in the family. I know I was. On both sides." Leo shrugged and let his sunglasses drop. Turning to Trixie, he said, "Hey, we'll have to meet up again when it's not so late. Maybe in the Retroville room, next Thursday? I'll buy you breadsticks and soda."

"I'll check my schedule," Trixie said carefully, but when she ducked her head, she was smiling. With Leo in tow, their group finished collecting their food from the buffet, then moved to the rear of the restaurant. To Kevin's surprise, there was another set of double doors back there, both of them pinned open. A warm breeze gushed in, and the sky out there looked incredibly dark. It looked like another entrance, just like the one up front. Same wooden decor. Similar paintings hanging on the wall. Only, standing off to one side was an enormous multicolored wheel of some sort, and the person wiping down the register at the front desk…

Kevin had just taken a bite of his pretzel roll, but at the sight of the man in blue, his mouth dropped open. "Oh. Wow. Uhh… Who is that gorgeous hunk of handsome?"

The popular kids turned, with Leo a little more subtle about his sideways glance. Kevin swallowed what little roll had remained in his mouth. He knew he was staring, but he couldn't stop himself from checking the guy out. A human face with a graying goatee. Broad shoulders, made all the wider with huge shoulder pads. Top-heavy, but the thick legs and sturdy boots redistributed the weight enough to keep him balanced. His movements were ridiculously fluid, his enormous knuckles falling and tensing as he adjusted the amount of force he applied on his cleaning rag. Despite the abundance of metal in place of skin, his body was shaped just like a human body, with excellent proportions and actual rippling muscles. Not to mention a long, prehensile tail that flicked back and forth as though someone had wired it so well in his brain that controlling it came naturally…

"Veronica!" Kevin grabbed her shirt in his fist, yanking her forward. With his plate, he gestured in the man's direction. "Cyborg! Cyborg!"

"Um," she stuttered out, looking helplessly in Trixie's direction. The cyborg in question glanced up with a hopeful smile, but inevitable disappointment etched itself across Trixie's face. Tad and Chad watched with wide eyes. Even Leo looked taken aback, for once.

Kevin ignored them–they didn't understand. Bouncing on his toes, he pointed and shouted again, "CYBORG!"

The man in blue raised his hand, offering a wave of his rag. "Oh hi, tiny Crocker," he said brightly. His fluffy tail beat back and forth like an excited puppy's. Kevin dropped his cup and plate with a clackity-splish! and clenched his fists to his chin.

"Eeeee! He knows my name! Ooh, ooh, this is the greatest day I've ever lived to talk about! Cyborg! Cyborg! CYBORG!"

Trixie had enough. She took Kevin's shoulders in both her hands, turned him backwards, and brought his heels firmly to the ground. Kevin tried to twist around, but when he did, Trixie said, "Don't make a scene," in a straightforward way, so that was that. "Okay," he whispered back. She waited until his movements had stilled before she released him. Whoa. Kevin shook out his arms (which flopped like rubber hoses) and smoothed down his shirt. One deep breath. Two deep breaths.

Okay. Lowering his gaze, Kevin picked up the plate he'd dropped. At least most of the food had stayed on, and although he'd chipped the dish, he hadn't broken it outright. Most of his chocolate milk had spilled from his plastic cup. He stepped sideways to stand by Veronica, leaving the rest of the popular kids between him and the cyborg. Leo smirked and pressed his pinky to his shades.

"I see what you mean. We've got a kook on our hands, all right. That hunk there is Shirley, Christian. Hug him if you're into that, but watch out for the spikes. Also the fire. That's my favorite part."

"Huh?" Kevin hadn't even noticed at first, but there it was, as plain as day: A little red flame glowed between the bull horns on Shirley's head. Oh. Um. Was that a real human skull modified into a belt buckle at his waist?

Kevin thought for a moment, then decided these new details changed nothing. Shirley was, officially, the coolest person he'd ever met in real life. He even made goth-y skulls seem awesome. He started to put together something that was probably going to turn into a coherent sentence, but Chad cut him off with a groan, leaning back his head.

"Are we going to eat anytime soon?"

"Spin the wheel," Tad chanted, pumping his fist, and Veronica joined in. "Spin the wheel!"

Leo looked thoughtfully at the multicolored wheel, then at Trixie. He gestured towards it with a sweep of his arm. "You wanna do the honors?"

A smile picked at the corner of her mouth. "Well, if you insist." She stepped up and wrapped both hands around the lever that would whisk the colorful wheel around. When she wrenched it towards the floor, the wheel gave out a loud crrrraaank! Then it began to blur. After several seconds of watching it, Kevin leaned over to Veronica.

"What's that for?"

She shrugged and picked beneath one nail with her thumb. "Oh, that's to randomly determine our seating arrangements tonight. Shirley's overlaps a few of the neighboring universes, and part of the fun is discovering new ones you've never heard of, y'know?"

Kevin blinked and shifted his plate. "I'm sorry. What now?"

Another shrug. "Yeah, so like, welcome to the dimensional crossroads, I guess? Like, I don't even know."

Blinking again, Kevin rubbed a knuckle beneath his glasses. "Wait, what? Are you for real? I thought we weren't allowed to talk about the Fourth Wall, let alone break it." This was like, a moms cover children's ears level of conversation. You were supposed to figure this stuff out on your own. Apparently, popular kids were allowed to do whatever they wanted. He glanced again at his glowing bracelet, and made a fist with his hand. "Wait. Wait. Where exactly does this place's back door open out?"

"Texas."

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Kevin glanced above the door at the Welcome to Retroville banner dangling from two hooks, and grimaced. "So, uh, what happens if I try to leave Shirley's from the Retroville side instead of the Dimmsdale one?"

Veronica stared at him, her mouth slightly open like she couldn't believe he would even put such a stupid question into words. "Then you go to Retroville, duh."

"That's fair."

The spinning wheel whirled, and whirled, then finally puttered to a stop between Royal Woods and Isle of Sodor. The panel in the middle read Plainville. Shirley read the name aloud in a cheerfully dramatic voice, but Tad and Chad still booed.

"'Plainville?'" Kevin repeated. To be fair, Veronica was right. He'd never heard of that town before.

Tad cupped his hands around his mouth. "Lame! We want a re-roll!"

"Nope!" Shirley pushed a massive finger into the top of Tad's head, scruffing his hair. "You take what you spin and you meet a lot of brand new friends. It's fun, isn't it? Don't you think it's fun?"

"Yeah, whatever," Tad scoffed. He flounced off, although Chad shot Shirley a quick I'm watching you sign with his fingers before he followed. Trixie and Leo brought up the rear with witty compliments and not-so-subtle flirting. Kevin lingered a moment longer, rubbing behind his neck. Ooh. Shirley was tall. Way, way taller than he was. He tilted back his head, twisting his toes into the floor.

"So are you, uh… doing anything next week? Maybe we could, you know… talk about your radical cyborg parts or something? Oh, wow, oh, geez, I'm starstruck. I'm into neurorobotics, you know? So maybe-"

Veronica's hand closed over the back of his collar and yanked him away. "Like, come on already, geek. We're starving over here."

"Call me," Kevin begged, stretching one arm back the way he'd come. "Let's hang, guy! If–if that's what you want… I love you!"

Shirley chuckled. With another wave of his rag, he went back to his cleaning. This time, he was whistling.

Veronica let him go when they caught up to the rest of the group, and brushed her hand against her leg. As they searched for their assigned archway, Kevin allowed his eyes to wander. Every arch in the restaurant's wagon wheel floor layout led to a dining area with a completely new interior, and there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason behind their designs. Or their logistics. One arch opened directly onto a theater stage. Another appeared to be full of seaweed and saltwater suspended in midair. The fifth arch they passed was mostly boarded up, but Kevin could feel faint, warm air blowing in from the other side. The peeling letters on the sign above it read IL ORNB, with the last chunk broken off entirely. Below that, in dripping red, NO ENTRY.

"Cranberry sauce," Veronica explained when she noticed Kevin staring.

He eyed the door uncertainly, clutching his plate to his chest. "What's back there?"

"The savanna. It's wearing out."

"Gotcha. And let me guess: The sign that says 'The Rainforest' really leads there, doesn't it?" When Veronica nodded, he raised his eyebrows. "Of course it does. Boy, that explains the jaguar. Luckily this is fine."

Tad stopped walking near the Dimmsdale entrance, in front of a circular door six feet off the ground. "I think this is us. Anyone want a boost?"

"Me first!" Without waiting for Tad to interlock his fingers, Chad leap-frogged on top of him and dove through the door. When he passed beneath the arch, his entire body shimmered as though he'd just ducked underwater. Kevin blinked. The world snapped into focus a second later when Chad stood up, but he looked… different.

"Ah!" Kevin sprang back, almost dropping his cup and plate again. "Your eyes!"

"Not bad," Chad said, examining his hand. He flexed his fingers, and adjusted his slap bracelet so it wouldn't slip over his wrist. "Not as cool as I was hoping, but not bad. I was so looking forward to holding silverware with an extra finger tonight. Oh well."

Veronica held out her hand, but Tad reached past her and took Trixie's instead. Chad helped her over the lower part of the circular door. Just like him, she… shifted when she crossed over to the other side. Not a lot. Almost not noticeably. But just noticeably enough. Kevin hung back, rubbing his cheek with his shoulder.

"Gee, I don't know if Mommy would want me messing around like this…"

"Don't be such a cupcake," Leo scolded, but his tone was playful. Probably. He passed on Tad's offer of a boost and sprang up beside Tad and Trixie all on his own. Veronica helped Chad up, then looked at Kevin. Well. With a gulp, he followed.

When he climbed up, Kevin could understand why Tad and Chad were disappointed in their spin. Apart from looking like it was built before the first World War, there didn't seem to be anything amazingly special about this particular room. A thin strip of chalkboard material ran around the whole area, smudged and smeared from decades of use. Wooden ceiling fans turned slowly overhead. A decorative brick oven hunkered in the corner. Actually, the most interesting design element here was the wall they had just passed beneath. Bricks seemed to be the theme for Shirley's in general. Several teenagers in the corner had chosen to ignore the chalkboard strip and were drawing on the walls in bright green and red chalk. To be fair, the designs they were coming up with were pretty interesting as far as Kevin could tell. A guy with spikes in his ginger hair sipped water in the corner by himself. Otherwise, the room was deserted.

"Peace and quiet," Leo said approvingly, swinging the hem of his jacket forward by stuffing his fists in his pockets. "You don't get a lot of this where I'm from anymore. My dad's always tinkering with noisy machines and explosive chemicals, and Mom argues with him any time she isn't sucking face. Miriam's parents blast music for their dance parties. All those alien invasion alarms along the fence beeping night and day. All those flying cars crashing into windows and dribbling smelly oil on your head… Pass." He shot Trixie a grin, which she returned with thin, tight lips and raised eyebrows. "Your guys' playing field is more my speed. I was born in the wrong generation."

Kevin glanced at him sideways. He meant to question one or more of the things Leo had said, but the words died when he noticed a scarred, slightly discolored patch along the boy's collar. Leo followed Kevin's eyes. Smirking, he pulled his shirt down to show off the rest. Kevin almost dropped his chocolate milk. His gasp made it through his mental barrier.

"Oh, this ol' thing? Skin graft." Leo let go, his shirt collar springing up to cover most of it. "Yeah, my old man took a tissue sample just after I was born. Mumsy about hit the moon."

"Uh…" What did you even say to that? Kevin fidgeted with his plate as his cheeks heated up. He hadn't meant to stare, honest! Glancing at the other kids in their group, he mumbled, "I, um, have an embarrassing birthmark shaped like a rose on the inside of my leg. I guess we're even."

Tad and Chad both skipped a beat. They threw owl-eyed glances at each other, then whipped their heads back to Kevin in sync. "What color?" Tad asked.

Kevin froze. "Uh. Sort of dark purple-red." How… did they guess it was an unusual color?

Chad nodded thoughtfully and adjusted his shades. "Huh. We know another kid with a birthmark just like that. Wonder if you're related."

"I know two other kids," Tad said, jabbing his elbow between Chad's ribs.

"Tch! Yeah, right! You don't know anyone I don't, dweeb. You've never known two other kids in your life. You wouldn't even hang out with these guys if you didn't have me."

"Oh, you wanna go? You wouldn't even have an allowance without me, dork."

Trixie pushed the conversation forward before Kevin figured out how to respond, fluttering her lashes Leo's way. "You could come back over the border with us after this and hang out, if you want. I'm almost entirely free. We're giving Courtney here the late-night tour of Dimmsdale. Popular kid reconnaissance; the usual drill."

"Kevin," Kevin muttered.

Leo shook his head with genuine remorse. "Love to, but can't. I'm dancing on glass as it is. My dad'd freak." He made wiggly fingers when he said that part. "But, I'll so ring you up next time he leaves town to pick up a batch of Nobel Prizes or something, and we can cut loose then, cake?"

Still, Leo happily followed them to their tables. Kevin did not miss the fact that he and Trixie paired off on their own bench, leaning their heads together and whispering. Even Tad and Chad froze mid-step on their way to join them. They exchanged lip-biting looks, then switched gears and took the biggest booth available. Kevin followed suit. Just as he sat down across from them, however, Chad elbowed Tad twice in the side.

"Hey Tad, check it–That girl drew like three baby stingrays on the wall."

"Oh, sweet! Stingrays are rad. I'm gonna ask her out." Tad shoved an entire half of a bagel in his mouth. Both boys sprinted over to see the chalk graffiti up close, leaving Kevin sitting alone. Not that he was really surprised.

Although, it was almost a shock when Veronica sat down right beside him, instead of across the table with her brothers. She mumbled a hello and took a sip of water. A long sip. The cup came down with a clunk, ice cubes clinking. In the next booth over, Trixie said something with a giggle that made Leo smack his hand against the table as he wheezed.

"So, uh…" Kevin played with his glowing bracelet for a moment and tried to think of something to say. In the end, he settled on, "It's pretty cool you have a twin. I'm an only child. I guess you two are really close, huh?"

Veronica did not answer, but Kevin felt every muscle in her body stiffen at the same time. When he glanced over, her wide eyes were fixed on the churro in her hand. She was squeezing it so hard, it looked like it might pop straight out of its wrapper. Kevin let go of his bracelet and wrapped his fingers around his knife.

"Uh-oh. I said something wrong again, didn't I?"

"I'm. Fine." Veronica spoke through gritted teeth, and Kevin didn't believe her for an instant. Even so, he looked away.

"Well, as long as you're fine…"

Then her churro really did fall from her hand. It missed her plate, missed the table, missed her lap, and plopped onto the tile. Veronica's breathing turned icy heavy. Kevin inched away down the bench as he realized she was fighting back tears.

"I'm fine," she said again. Two seconds passed in silence. Kevin handed her his own churro.

"Here. Take mine. I didn't put my mouth on it yet, and I already had some cookies anyway, so that's probably enough sugar for one night."

"Great," Veronica whimpered, clapping her hands to her cheeks. As the tears welled up, she couldn't seem to tear her gaze away from the churro on the ground. "This is just great. I can't even eat my snacks right. No wonder Tad never wants to hang out with me. No wonder I lost him to Chad and Trixie. Gah, I'm such a loser. Such a loser."

Kevin picked up his fork and cut into his mashed potatoes. "That's okay. You and me can be losers together. If your brothers don't want to be your friend, you can be friends with me."

She laughed at him, her laughter barking out. "Are you kidding? Um, hello. I'm one of the popular girls. You've that whole…" Veronica took her hand from her face long enough to make an up and down hand motion. "… nerdy look going on. These kinds of things never work out in the long run. If I started dating you, I'd like, lose what little respect my brothers still have for me. And if I don't have their respect, then I'll lose out on Trixie's too. Which, um, is like, so totally not an option, okay?" Softer, "They're the only friends I have."

"Oh, oh, you're right, sorry," Kevin mumbled, glaring at a chunk of potatoes that kept falling off his fork. He hadn't said "dating", and the thought hadn't really crossed his mind. Sure, Veronica was kind of pretty, maybe, but they'd only known each other for about an hour, and that wasn't long enough to build a relationship in Kevin's mind.

The tears were falling now. Oh. Oh. That was awkward. Veronica grabbed her forehead, eyes wide and teeth straining. She held out her upturned hand, grasping at nothing in the air. "Like, everything was fine when Chad and his mom came into our lives, okay? So yeah, that was great and all. But even though I lost my mom to some man she met in Paris and everything, and even though she like totally left us for him and she never calls us back or visits us anymore, and even though it's so hard to make real friends when your parents keep you busy with all these oodles of vacations and dinner parties and everything and nobody's friendship is even real anyway, I always like, knew I still had Tad to help me through this and all, you know?"

"Yeah?"

"B-but when we turned 10 and he started taking an interest in my best friend, I mean, what was I even supposed to do? Let him and Chad run off with Trixie and leave me in the dust? Not gonna happen! It's not gonna happen. He's never coming back. It's not gonna happen." Veronica's eyes finally squeezed shut. Her hand clenched into a fist. "I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Thanks for checking in, actually."

Kevin arched his eyebrows. Covering his mouth while he chewed, he said, "Wow. You've got even more unresolved issues about your stepsiblings than I do." He swallowed. "I mean, I don't have a best friend that Molly can steal away from me, and come to think of it, I don't even think she has a best friend that I can steal away from her, so win-win. Who knows? Maybe she and I could get a good thing going between us after all. Hey." He pointed at the churro on his plate. "Are you going to want this, or should I just keep eating?"

Veronica breathed a long huff between her teeth. She didn't open her eyes. "You're a real sunny optimist, aren't you, Curtis?"

"Um. It's actually Kevin." Kevin tapped his heels together, his gaze sliding to his lap. His bracelet glittered green along the edge of his vision. "You know, I'm only supposed to be in California until September. But it would be real neat if I had a friend in Dimmsdale. Maybe you'd want to be my first one? I'd like to get out of my uncle's house as often as I can, and… maybe you could show me around the city. I've lived in a small town my whole life, so everything here is so new and different to me."

For the first time in several minutes, Veronica turned and looked at him. Kevin's eyes flitted up to hers, and they connected. For a moment, it was like they could read each other's mind. They understood each other perfectly. He was sure of it. And now they could be friends (maybe even pen-pals), and living away from home with his weird estranged relatives wouldn't be so scary after all.

"Yeah, I'd like that," Veronica said, her voice as honest as a cooked ham. She set her palms to the bench beside her and straightened up. "But see, here's the way it is in Dimmsdale. I run with the popular crowd. And the thing is, you don't. We only came over today to figure out which box to label you with before school starts on Monday so we can have the whole weekend to like, work out our feelings on you. But I don't know why we even bothered. You're a Crocker. We should've just figured out from your name alone that a Crocker couldn't ever be one of our group."

Kevin scrunched his brows. "Why not? Can't you at least give me a chance?"

Veronica turned, dropping her silverware. Apparently she'd been holding silverware, along with the bunched-up paper wrapper from her straw. With a soft snort, she brought her finger up to poke him in the chest. She scooted him further and further down the bench as she went on. "A chance? Are you kidding? Ha! Your uncle is a crazy, deranged, overactive, overzealous crackpot lunatic, and we can already tell that you're going to grow up to be just like him."

Before Kevin could get his mouth around the words he wanted (or even think the words he wanted), a metallic crash sounded behind him. He sprang up on his knees and peered over the top of the booth. In one of the dining areas on the far side of the buffet, near the Dimmsdale side, two men—one who was very thin and one who had curly red hair—were snooping around. They were obviously looking for something… or someone. To further confirm this, the thinner man stamped his foot and pointed at the tile.

"Galileo Albert Neutron! You show your smug little face front and center this instant! And bring my wayward daughter back with you when you do. She never came home tonight and I miss her so much. Her mother is still on tour and I've been so bored and lonely all alone! … No offense, Carl."

"Oh, no worries, Sheen. Toss me a medium pepperoni and there's none taken."

At the front desk, Miriam slowly lifted her hand as high as her cheek. "I'm right here, Dad. I'm always here late on Fridays."

The thin man (Sheen, apparently) rushed back into the main buffet and flung his arms in the air. "It's a miracle! Praise the sun! Houston, we have confirmation that the youngest child of my loins still lives on to carry the Estevez legacy for generations to come."

Miriam arched one eyebrow. "Are you here to grab dinner for you and Uncle Carl, or just to totally embarrass me at work again?"

"Oh, you know, just a little of both. With a few of those breadsticks on the side. Oh yeah." He jabbed his thumb sideways. "And Carl here wants a medium pepperoni. Probably with the pineapple and anchovies on the side like some sort of weird hooney-talooney. He's one of those people. It's not natural, you get?"

"… Pretty sure he's allergic to at least one of those things."

The redheaded man, now named Carl, abandoned the greasy platter he'd been peering under at the counter and straightened up. "Well, anyway, Leo. Your Uncle Sheen's right. If you can still hear us, you'd better get back here right now, or else. The 'or else' meaning, you better get back here right now or else your mom is going to kill us both."

"Yeah, if you even make it home before your dad scolds your corpse to death," Sheen put in. Carl smacked his arm, and he hissed, "What? I'm just saying, it's bound to happen eventually! We've all gotta go sometime."

Leo, laughing all the while, left his booth and leaned one hand against Kevin and Veronica's table. "Hey, listen. I gotta bolt. It was a real hoot to meet you. Look me up if you ever get a passport to Retroville. And keep me posted on your Uncle Crockpot, sav?" After giving one last tip of his sunglasses in Kevin's direction, he dropped through the circle doorway with a shout of, "Hey Uncle Carl, Uncle Sheen! Did you come 8.32 whole kilometers just to see forgettable old me? Aww, I'm blushing."

Tad and Chad came wandering back over, Tad cleaning his shades on the hem of his shirt. "Oh boy," Chad said, following Kevin's nosy stare.

"Galileo!" That was Leo's dad. James Neutron charged across the pizza place, dragging both Leo's limp child safety harness and Eddie behind him. Kevin expected him to hug his son or something, but instead, James grabbed Leo by the shoulders and shook him back and forth half a dozen times. "Why do you always insist on returning to this cesspool of filth and chemicals, you fragile child of human bones and malleable flesh?" He took a breath, then turned his attention Miriam's way. "No offense."

She raised her hands in surrender.

"I love you too, Dad," Leo said, never dropping his smile.

James turned on him again, and finally released his shoulders. Bending down, he picked up the dragging leash. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times–" He covered his face, then shoved the harness into Leo's amused hands. "Look. I can respect the fact that you want to make friends with other kids across the dimensional rift. Sure, fine. Whatever. But your mother's body cannot produce a second child, so I need you to be more careful with your DNA. My rules were explicitly clear: If you want to hang out at Shirley's, you have to stay on its Retroville side. With your universal molecular stabilizer on. It's too dangerous to wander back and forth across a fraying border, rectanathre or no rectanathre."

Leo looked around in mock surprise. "Whoa, you're right! How did I never notice all these other patrons wearing dimensional stabilizing whatevers before just like us?"

"Hey." His father jabbed a finger at his nose. "Don't get sharp with me, Glimbo. I've collected measurements around this joint every week for fifty years, so trust me when I say it's only growing more dangerous every day. This place is built on a dimensional fault line. There's no telling when the next quake will be, but by my calculations, it's bound to shatter for good. In case there's an emergency, that harness will monitor your vital signs, purify water, and send out a multiverse tracking signal until I find you again." Easing back, "Or at the very least, it will let your mother and I identify the blurry remains of your body if you plunge into the rift between our world and Dimmsdale and come back to us as an undead glitch in reality."

"Sure, Dad."

James shook his head in disbelief. "I mean, look at Uncle Eddie. Even he agrees with me on this one."

The black-haired man that James had tied himself to looked up from his fingernail cleaning routine. "Hey G, tell your nutso pop over here that I outgrew my patience for wearing baby stuff in the second trimester, will ya?"

Leo's puffed cheeks told Kevin that he was only barely smothering his laughter. "Okay, Dad," he managed, still grinning, and clipped the harness around his chest again. His father waited until all the lights were blinking yellow (and for Leo to give him two thumbs up), then finally relaxed at the shoulders. He was still scolding his son as they made their way back to the Retroville entrance of the restaurant. Shirley called a farewell. It went unanswered.

Trixie, who had come over to stand beside Chad, set her hands to her hips and sighed. "Isn't he just the coolest?"

"Yeah, I know." Somehow, Kevin found himself unable to tear his wide eyes away from the back of James Neutron's head. "It's crazy. I can't believe he invented a universal molecular stabilizer! I want one of those!"

Trixie, Veronica, Tad, and Chad all gave him the same sideways glance as though he'd missed the point. They returned to eating, except for Trixie, who leaned one hand against the end of the table in much the same way Leo had just done.

"So. Crocker." She had let her hair down a moment ago. Now, she pushed it behind her shoulders with both hands, clamping it all in a mock ponytail. Her puffy hair tie rested around her wrist. Grimacing, she let her hair flutter down again. A single dark curl spiraled from beneath her headband. "Do you have any questions?"

Kevin looked down at his plate. "Uh. Only one. How did we even find churros at a pizza buffet?"

Trixie sighed. "I mean, questions relating to me. You're the new kid, and today is the only day I am obligated to talk to you. Don't you have any questions about me?"

"Um." Kevin glanced sideways at Veronica, then at Tad and Chad, then at Trixie again. He pressed his toes together. "Should… I?"

Wrong answer, apparently. Trixie lost interest in him, and for the rest of the dinner, the popular kids talked exclusively among themselves until Chad asked Kevin to pass the Tabasco sauce.

No one seemed to be home when Kevin returned to 4158 Woodnick Lane, although only two seconds after he'd pulled his covers over his head, he heard the front door open downstairs. That figured. Idly, Kevin wondered if his uncle would even bother to check up on him. Or if he remembered his nephew was here at all. His voice was pretty loud, echoing all the way up the stairs and down the hallway. From the sound of it, Miss Idaho had rushed to to the door when he'd come in. Now Uncle Denzel was cooing over "Girlfriend" and offering to whip up her favorite late-night snack, having no idea his hairless cat was actually his magical ex-girlfriend in disguise. Yep. That was pretty much life.

Kevin sighed at the ceiling, which was especially boring now that he'd taken his glasses off. The towers of boxes still cluttered his room like stalagmites in a cave. Cold air seeped in through a crack in the window. The floor creaked. The grandfather clock bonged right outside his room, which was super creepy, because Kevin could have sworn it was broken, but whatever.

What was Molly doing right now? He knew she and her dad had gone to stay with her aunt, uncle, and six cousins in Montana. Were they still on the road? Had she settled in better than he had? Maybe he should check up on her. Kevin clicked on the screen of his phone and found himself greeted by a simple message.

Hey. R u still up?

Kevin texted back No and slammed it down on his bedside table. The photo of his mom on the dock with her fishing pole, with Uncle Denzel and Grandpapa in the background in their rowboat, fell to the floor with a clatter. Warm guilt swelled inside his chest. After another few seconds flickered past in silence, he rolled free of his blankets and dropped to the ground. On his hands and knees, he peered beneath his bed. Oh look, two-legged ghost kitten. What a surprise.

"What do you want?" Kevin muttered, snatching up the fallen picture frame.

The two-legged kitten pressed itself against the floor, beating its tail back and forth in perfect silence. It was totally there, right in front of him, so Kevin didn't even bother reaching for his glasses. You know, eventually he was going to stop caring that this kept happening to him and him alone.

Instead of sprinting for the door or scrambling back into bed, he took a moment to examine the nervous animal. Of course, Uncle Denzel had sort of mentioned that Grandmama used to own a two-legged cat who had eventually been granted prosthetic limbs. So this had to be Cyborg. Or, well, if Miss Idaho was to be believed about stinky witch magic and everything, this was the house's memory of Cyborg from back when the cat was just a kitten.

Kevin sighed, shoulders slumping. "Your boy is right behind me, isn't he?"

No reply. The kitten lowered its chin to its chest. Kevin twisted towards the door, fully expecting to find the bespectacled britches-wearing boy standing among the boxes in his room. But there was no one. And when he glanced under the bed again, the kitten was gone too. Well, that figured.

"I know you're doing this just to mess with me, House," Kevin said, raising his voice so all the walls could hear. "I don't really appreciate this form of humor, and I'd really like to be left alone now so I can get some good sleep and be all rested for tomorrow. I have like, a life and stuff."

Offended silence sneered back at him.

Too awake now to want to crawl back into bed, even if it did sound nice and warm, Kevin replaced the picture on the nightstand and wandered into the hall. The first thing he did was take a look at the grandfather clock on his left, which was definitely broken, because of course it was. No secret door loomed at him from the other end of the landing. The wall was blank. No creepy floating ghost kids. Rolling his eyes, Kevin slumped down the stairs. Noise and light leaked from the living room, so he poked his head around the corner to see what was going on. If he had to guess, not much.

The lights were off, possibly still burned out from earlier. Although Kevin did notice the new box of bulbs sitting beside the gumdrops on the nearest side table, so apparently his uncle had gone to the hardware store for real this time. The tiny TV flickered with hazy blueness. Uncle Denzel lay sprawled across the couch, an arm flopped behind him. Sleeping already? Most likely, although his glasses were still balanced on his nose. One of his ankles bore a shiny piece of metal with seven colorful stars blinking in the dark, like a house arrest monitor invented by aliens.

Miss Idaho lay curled on Uncle Denzel's chest, her eyes fixed on the screen. She rose and fell in time with his shaky breathing, nestled beneath his hand. One protective paw covered the TV remote. Kevin lingered at the wall, gripping the curve of the archway, until the cat noticed he was there and rotated her ears.

"I don't want to sleep," he told her bluntly. "I slept on the bus and I'm not tired. Can I watch TV with you?"

"If you're quiet," the cat said.

There wasn't any room left on the couch, so Kevin sat on the floor in front of her and pulled his knees up to his chest. He spent the first three minutes trying to puzzle out what was happening onscreen, then finally asked, "Who's the chick with the red hair and the rooster head?"

"That's the carpentry teacher. She wishes to flee her mundane small town life and run off to the city at last with the butcher's son. It's a beautiful tale of passion and comedic misfortune."

"Oh… Is that squinting man with the scales on his legs her brother or something?"

Miss Idaho sighed and propped her head on one curled paw. "That's her half-sister's ex-boyfriend. He flew in from Florence, Kentucky in order to pose as her fiancé at the grandest gala of the 43rd century."

Kevin continued to stare at the screen with mounting confusion. "Why did they tie that British guy's golf clubs onto that elephant?"

"Honey, this is a complicated storyline. Why don't you let me watch it in peace, and I'll fill the gaps in your understanding when it's over."

Kevin was just opening his mouth to protest that he'd be a lot more quiet if he understood what was going on, when a flash of silvery white caught his eye. Turning to face the hall behind him, he spotted the pilgrim ghost boy disappear into the kitchen. Hmm. Kevin army-crawled across the living room, then stood up when he was sure he was too far away to bother Miss Idaho and sprinted after him.

Too late. Of course. When Kevin reached the kitchen, the ghost boy was already gone. Stupid house. Kevin rolled his eyes again, this time with even more unnecessary exaggeration. He poked around the corners for a minute more, but no one was there. Memory or otherwise.

So, after getting a glass of water and bidding Miss Idaho goodnight, Kevin headed back to his messy room. Up the creaky stairs, past the blank place where the mystery door had been, and through a couple of hallways with walls that had changed from the last time he'd seen them, before he finally flopped back into his sagging, squeaky bed for his first (and last) night of well-deserved sleep.

A/N- The fantasy drug rectanathre has always been a thing in my fanfics, and if you're interested in seeing more of it, "You're Not Okay" and "Borderline" would be good places to start. Not to be confused with the hereditary cartoon physics discussed in "Of Ants and Cartoon Physics."

Nick show cameos are as follows:

Zach from Shimmer and Shine

Rudy from ChalkZone

Chase from Paw Patrol

Blue's pawprint from Blue's Clues

Diego and Baby Jaguar from Go, Diego, Go

Bunsen from Bunsen Is a Beast

Jimmy, Eddie, Sheen, and Carl from The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, accompanied by some fankid OCs

References to The Loud House, Thomas & Friends, and The Wild Thornberries were also made at the wheel and when Kevin noticed the savanna