A/N: There's been a lot of talk on the Chuck FanFiction Facebook pages recently about how Sarah wore the earrings that Shaw bought for her in the final S3 episode. People hated that. Of course, she would never have worn a gift from him when she was with Chuck. Stupid writers! However, it got me thinking about how she got to the point of accepting them in the first place. She'd lost Chuck to the spy life and to Hannah. She felt the relationship Shaw offered was all she could ever have. I focused on how lost she felt and wrote this AU Charah story. It starts slightly differently and then veers off sharply.
No betas have checked this one-shot. So, if you spot mistakes or Anglicisms, please send me a PM to let me know, and I'll correct them.
Lost
Sarah felt so lost.
First Chuck agreed to run away with her in Prague, but then refused to do so, walking away from her on the station platform, without giving any reason.
Then, Carina gave her a recording from that vault, where he told her the reason, which she hadn't considered. She thought they might get back together, but he seemed reluctant to do so, and she'd suggested they just be friends, even though that wasn't what she wanted.
She thought he was changing his mind and they were getting closer again, but Shaw sent him on that suicide mission to Paris. Chuck survived, but invited a girl back to join him and Hannah turned up, the perfect girl for him.
Meanwhile, Shaw was laying on a charm offensive, which she was rebuffing.
Next thing that happened, Chuck had started a relationship with Hannah!
She knew what Chuck was like. She'd seen it with Jill. Almost as soon as he kissed a girl, he had sex with her. And lo and behold, that was exactly what happened!
She was lost and heartbroken, feeling betrayed, even though they had never even started a relationship
She felt so miserable as she stood in Castle looking at the recording from the apartment that showed Ellie and Devon happily talking with Chuck and Hannah. Chuck was gazing lovingly at the brunette.
That used to be me, she thought. That should be me!
Shaw walked up behind her and made some comment, she didn't know what it was, she had no ears for him. He continued talking and placed his hands on her shoulders. She'd had enough of him trying to take advantage of her misery. One of her knives appeared in her hand and she plunged it back.
He must have had the hots for her because she missed her intended target and the blade sliced into one of his balls.
He cried out and fell away. She held onto the knife, wiped it clean and sheathed it. She stood, stepped over him, muttering, "I told you to leave me alone."
She walked up the stairs and out of Castle.
She knew she'd be reprimanded for that, certainly taken off the team, and maybe arrested for attacking a senior officer, but she didn't care.
"They couldn't save his testicle," Casey stated when she returned to Castle the next morning. "However, I watched the recording and confirmed to the general that he'd been harassing you, feeling you up. In appropriate behavior. She watched the recording and decided in your favor."
"So, I'm not off the team?" she asked incredulously, just as Chuck walked down the stairs.
"Why would you be?" Chuck asked.
Sarah couldn't face him, but Casey happily said, "She was watching you dining with your latest bed partner. Shaw tried it on and lost one of his balls. Couldn't happen to a better man."
Chuck stopped walking and just stared at her.
Sarah had to get away, so headed to the restroom.
Sarah stayed there and found herself sobbing. She'd cried when she'd gotten back to her hotel room the night before and she was no better now.
She'd been the CIA's best before coming to Los Angeles. She'd known that, knew who she was. Then, Chuck changed her, softened her, made her want to be a real woman. She'd made that decision and asked him to run with her so that she could save him from being a cold hearted spy like she'd been. Then, he rejected her and she tried to get back to what she was before him, but knew she was failing. He'd come back and confused her again, and then this.
She was now truly lost. Not a full spy, certainly not a full assassin, but not a normal woman either, a woman in love with a man who loved her back. Truly lost!
She eventually got herself under control and splashed her face to remove the effects of crying. She didn't really succeed but she wiped her face dry, particularly the smudged mascara. It was the best she could achieve. She hoped to slip past the others and leave.
No such luck! As she opened the door, she found herself facing Chuck who was leaning against the opposite wall, waiting for her.
"You're upset that you hurt Daniel," he said quietly.
She reacted without thought. "Hell, no! I wanted to slice off the bastard's dick!"
He winced on hearing that. "What did he do?"
She sighed. "He's been trying to get in my pants and I don't want him." Shit! I may have put more emphasis on the last word than I intended.
He continued to speak softly, damn him! "Casey said you were watching Hannah and I at dinner with Ellie and Devon."
The bastard snitch! "I still want you safe," she said, trying to be dismissive.
"Do you still have feelings for me?" he asked. She couldn't tell whether he was hopeful or not. Damn this spy training. I used to be able to read him so easily!
She ought to lie. He'll only hurt her more. However, she didn't have it in her. "What's the point? You've moved on. You've got Hannah now. And Shaw's determined to make your wish come true, making you a spy. I've lost everything I wanted. Hell, I should've let Shaw take me!" The tears were threatening again. She had to get out of there.
She rushed away before he could reply and ran up the stairs.
She was driving away when she saw him burst out of the yogurt shop.
As she lay on her bed, she wished Casey hadn't put up such a fight for her. She'd be gone by now.
That's stupid, she realized. I don't have to be banished; I can just quit.
She grabbed her phone and called General Beckman.
"Agent Walker?"
"Sorry to call you like this," Sarah replied.
"So, why the call?" The general just sounded puzzled. "A complaint about Agent Shaw's behavior should go through formal channels."
"It's not about him, General. It's about me. I'm compromised. I've fallen for Chuck Bartowski."
Beckman was quiet for a few moments. "He's no longer an asset," she finally said.
Sarah sighed. "But he's no longer available either."
Another long silence, then, "You're giving up that easily?"
Sarah's jaw dropped. "I beg your pardon?"
Beckman sighed. "Sarah, he's wanted a relationship with you for years. I think he's with this IT girl because the two of you are such bad communicators. Are you calling me to give up completely and asking to be reassigned?"
Sarah was still reeling from Beckman using her first name and then what she said after that. Is she right?
"Well?" the general prompted.
Sarah refocused. "Yes, General. I can't continue here."
Beckman sighed again. "Have you talked to Chuck?"
Was that a talk this morning or just a monologue? Sarah's shoulders sagged. "Not really," she admitted.
"Do that. If you still want to leave after that, come back to me." Beckman ended the call.
Sarah just sat and looked at the phone in her hand.
Should she call Chuck? Have a real conversation with him? No. That wouldn't be possible over the phone! She couldn't ask him over, because she had no reason for that. She couldn't go to his apartment because Hannah would be there, probably screwing him!
She threw the phone down on the bed and put her head in her hands again. All she could do was cry.
After an hour of feeling sorry for herself, she got up and had a shower. Then, she dressed in clothes appropriate for where she was heading.
She was just reaching for her car keys when there was a knock on the apartment door.
She froze and looked at the clock. 5:20pm. Who'd come here at this time?
She grabbed her gun and looked through the spy hole. She dropped the gun when she saw who it was.
"Sarah, I know you're in there. We need to talk."
She opened the door and looked at him. Her hand wanted to straighten his tie, but she stood back and let him in.
He looked at what she was wearing and carrying. He also looked down at the gun on the floor. "Gonna shoot me and then go to the beach?" he joked.
She sighed, dropped down, picked up the gun and tossed it to the table from which she'd gotten it. He took her hand once she'd done that, and led her to the end of the bed.
This was the first contact they'd had for a while. She just looked at their hands and he had to tell her to sit, after releasing her.
She sat and looked at him, unable to say anything. Still so completely lost in her head.
"Sarah," he started. He then huffed at himself. "Why is talking to you always so difficult?"
She looked into his gorgeous, but irritated hazel eyes. "Apparently it's because we're crap communicators."
He frowned. "Says who?"
"General Beckman," she replied.
He looked shocked. "She used those words?"
She shook her head. "Not exactly, but she did say we're bad communicators."
He nodded. "I guess we are." He thought about that, then frowned. "What made her say that?"
Sarah thought about what the general had told her, to actually talk to him. "I called her to resign."
The shocked expression returned. "Because of me?"
Tears were threatening again, but she held them back and just nodded.
"You still want to be with me?" he asked.
That was it. The flood gates opened. "God! I've never stopped! You hurt me so much in Prague and I tried to get over you, but I can't. Now you're rutting with that little bitch! And you're becoming what I dreaded, a spy. Everything's gone to shit! What is there for me to stay for?" The tears were now escaping, so she covered her face with her hands.
Chuck gently took her wrists and started to pull her hands away.
She moved quickly, yanked her wrists from his grasp and strode to the window, not wanting to face him.
"Sarah, I thought I'd screwed up so badly that you'd never want me again. 'Friends' you suggested. That's not what I wanted. Hannah wanted me. Me. The one you didn't want."
She turned on him. "We were getting closer, or so I thought, then she turns up and you take her to your bed as fast as you can!" She paused for a second. "Just like Jill!"
He stepped back. Then, he growled. "You pushed me at Jill!"
He's blaming me for that? "To get close to her, not to screw her!" she snapped at him.
He blushed. He knew she was right.
She continued the attack. "So, any girl that kisses you right, gets laid, huh?" She snarled. "I obviously never kissed you right!"
He sat down and covered his face.
She decided to grab her keys and head out, as planned. This was achieving nothing.
"No one has ever kissed me like you, Sarah. Affected me like you do." His quietly spoken words stopped her.
She turned back to him and he looked up. "The kiss in front of the Bryce bomb was the best I'd ever had. The kiss in front of Roan, almost as good. And the kisses in that motel!" He shook his head. "We nearly did make love there, so maybe you're right about me. I'm shallow." He paused for a moment. "I'm like any man, Sarah. I have needs, but that doesn't change the fact that you're the one I want." He locked eyes with her. "I love you, Sarah Walker."
He really said that? This was too much to take. She felt faint. Her knees gave way and she crumpled to the floor.
Chuck quickly dropped to the floor and lifted her up by her elbows. She was still shaky so he held onto her.
She couldn't stop herself. She crashed her lips to his. He stumbled back and his calves hit the bed. The two of them tumbled onto it. She didn't pull her lips away. Her tongue licked his lips and he opened them. Her tongue darted in and started to caress his. God, kissing him is so wonderful!
Then, their conversation hit her. A kiss like this would lead to sex. She desperately wanted that, but he was already in a relationship with Hannah. She wasn't going to be a relationship wrecker. That was Carina's thing. She pulled her lips away and climbed off of him.
For once, Chuck worked out the situation. "Sarah, making love to you would be a dream come true, but not like this. If you'll have me, I'd be the happiest man on Earth. However, I need to break up with Hannah first."
She looked at him and just nodded. She held her hand out to him. He looked at it for a moment, then grasped it and she pulled him up.
They kissed again, standing. It was a tender kiss, not a passionate one, but it conveyed their feelings just as well.
"I'll tell the general I won't quit," she said softly.
"Thank you," he replied and kissed her forehead. "I'd be lost without you."
She chuckled. "Two lost souls, huh?"
He smiled, then said, "And we need to talk about me becoming a spy. I thought that was the only way we could be together."
She groaned. "Yes, we do need to talk about that, but not this evening."
He kissed her again and left.
She sat down on the bed. That had been quite the visit!
She didn't know what would unfold as they moved forward, but it looked a lot more positive than she'd thought only half an hour ago.
She no longer felt lost. Instead, she felt hopeful for a possible future with Chuck.
A/N: I'm not taking this further, but it offers a more positive way forward from that scene in "Chuck versus the Fake Name."
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