FINN'S GIRL..?

A/N - I was thinking about the events of Laryngitis - Finn taking Rachel to the doctor, singing 'Jessie's Girl' to her, taking her to Sean's house... and what exactly was RACHEL thinking while Finn was professing his feelings and taking such good care of her? I STILL don't know how/why they insisted on dragging out the Finchel reunion for 3 more episodes – and even then it took for Jesse to betray her before she got back with Finn - we all know she wanted Finn from the start! she never really was JESSE's girl :)

So. here's my version of Rachel Berry's POV in 1x18. ENJOY!

This is a travesty. My life might literally be over today. I cannot believe this is happening to me.

I, Rachel Barbra Berry, might just have lost my voice! MY VOICE! Okay, so maybe I'm being a tad bit dramatic, maybe it's just a cold or something but, I've NEVER stood before my peers and sounded so awful before! It was so humiliating… but at least Finn was kind enough not to make fun of me, and concerned enough to want to take care of me.

Finn. {{sigh}} He's being so chivalrous again. I'm really not sure if this was a good idea, letting him bring me to my doctor's appointment. I mean, while it's true my daddies are currently away and also, no, I'm NOT a very big fan of doctor's offices, I still could have come on my own. But Finn was so concerned about me, and hearing him tell Mr. Schuester he insisted on immediately bringing me for a checkup… well. I can't tell what his motives really are. Is he worried about having my VOICE back for our next performance at regionals, or is he genuinely worried about just ME? After all, he's changed his mind so often with me that I've gotten whiplash trying to keep up!

It's not my fault that I met Jesse just after he decided to go find his 'inner rockstar' - and I still don't know what he meant by that! But then again, it's not like I really gave him a chance to explain.

The very first time I saw Finn Hudson I was drawn to him. I don't know if I will ever have a chance to tell him why, but I hope to have the chance again some day. It's certainly NOT because of his social status nor his position on our school's athletics teams… and while yes, he truly is a dreamboat, and possibly the most incredibly handsome boy I've ever laid eyes on, it's not even that. His smile and his kind eyes, that was the first thing that got my attention. And then I got to know him, and learned he is not what everyone else thinks he is. The stereotypical jock, the goofy mediocre student… well, he was letting people put him in a box. People made assumptions about him and he let them - in fact, he sort of gave credence to it by becoming exactly what they assumed he already was!

I, however, saw so much more potential in him. When he came to glee and sang with us that first time, I just knew there was so much more to him. He was scared though, that was easy enough to see (if you were paying attention). Not scared for what people in general would think, scared for whether he could succeed and fit in WITH US. Well, and yes, maybe a little scared of what everyone else would think, but at least within the 'safe zone' of glee club while his defenses were down, he wanted to fit in with us - the school pariahs. Why else would he have asked me to help with vocal scales to improve his already impressive singing? Oh yes.. Now I remember…

Why did he ever have to kiss me? And why did Quinn have to cheat on him and get pregnant and try to trap him? We could have been together all this time… except, yes, I know, I overdid it. I sort of went, um, as Finn would say 'chick batty' (even though I honestly do NOT approve of that expression.. It's incredibly sexist and deplorable. Unfortunately, as descriptors go, it does fit my behavior quite accurately). I realize I went overboard and scared him off. I'm too intense, and I know that about myself. But there is nothing wrong with planning and being organized and having structure and… and those are NONE of the things that Finn is used to. I can admit, I did sort of scare him off with my overtly suffocating affections, especially after he'd just gone through so much deep betrayal and heartache. But for him to DUMP ME in the hallway for a MENAGE-TROIS with two Cheerios? I thought we were at least friends enough that he would not hurt me that way, so I had to seriously consider his lack of judgment as a major character flaw. Then again, I guess maybe I was sort of dreaming anyway, thinking I could really win and KEEP the affections of someone like Finn Hudson. If I were in the popular set, or prettier, maybe I could have succeeded.

And yet, here he is once again. Stepping up to help me, to spend time with me, to take care of me. I know he doesn't like Jesse. Despite what Finn thinks, Jesse is not a bad person… It's true, he's a bit of a diva like me, and maybe it really shouldn't work between us because we are so very much alike; but Jesse understands my career goals and future aspirations in a way I don't think Finn can truly appreciate.

But Jesse isn't here now, taking me to the doctor; Finn is. And he looks so nervous, like he doesn't know what to say to me. I want to ask him so many questions, I want to tell him that I still care about him so much. But how can I trust him with my heart? I tried to give it to him already and he's rejected me - TWICE now. First he chose Quinn, then he chose his own freedom. Then again, he hasn't been seeing anyone else, as far as I know… except for that one date with Santana. And he did say he was saving himself for 'someone special'… could he have possibly meant me? No, that would be too much wishful thinking. And WHY exactly did I LIE to him and let him believe I slept with Jesse? Oh gosh, that was possibly the stupidest thing I could have done! If by some miracle there ever is a third chance for us, how will I explain that to him? He saved himself, and I lied and told him that I basically wasted that most special benchmark, as if it were meaningless to me! He must think such horrible things about me.

At least we are still friends enough that he is here with me now. I really don't want to be here alone with the doctor in case they give me very bad news.. But, I DO need to change into this gown, and Finn really does NOT need to see me do that! I'm glad at least there's this curtained off dressing area.

OH MY GOODNESS! What have I done? I knew it was a bad idea to let him take me to the doctor! Or, well, it's not that it was a bad idea as much as it has just seriously complicated things!

He's still insisting Jesse is wrong for me, and that HE likes me and wants us to be together. But a week ago he was yelling at me, calling me a slutty girl and asking if all I cared about was my reputation. Seriously Finn? I mean, I thought he was just so mad about being in the 'Run Joey Run' video because of Puck, but.. maybe he really means what he says? Maybe just maybe he actually misses me. Maybe he now realizes what I knew from the start - we were supposed to be together… but he's a little too late figuring that out, isn't he? I mean, Jesse likes me for ME, no strings or cheating pregnant ex-girlfriends attached. Jesse WANTS to be with me. And Finn, he keeps changing his mind. So okay, right now he might mean what he says….

But right now that's simply not possible. I'm still with Jesse, we have not officially broken up - despite whatever complete fallout my video project may have resulted in that is still as of yet unresolved, and despite whatever impressions a certain tall handsome football player might have.

I know Finn thinks Jesse is just a spy, or just using me to get information about New Directions to give Vocal Adrenaline some kind of advantage. Finn doesn't trust him, but Jesse has given me absolutely no reason not to think his intentions are anything less than honorable. It may be true that we don't spend very much time together outside of school – unless of course, my dads are away. But Jesse has been a complete gentleman towards me (well, except for the part where he was pressuring me to have sex with him.. But he quickly discovered the error of his ways and made it up to me with a lovely dinner and movie night out to see a French independent film. I very highly doubt one Mr. Finn Hudson would ever take me on that type of a date!).

Why am I even thinking about the kind of dates Finn would take me on? Oh yes, right. Probably because I let him KISS ME again. UGH! Rachel Barbra Berry! Why do you never seem to know your boundaries and limitations when it comes to this boy!? Just because he was a good friend and took me to the doctor and held my hand when I was scared, and drove me home, just because he walked me to the door, just because he told me - again - how very much I mean to him… and then BAM! The next thing I know we're in a lip lock on my front porch! And OHH my goodness, those dreamy lips… so strong, so masculine, so sure of what he wants. I missed kissing Finn.

But NO. I simply cannot do that to Jesse! I'm not some, some trashy harlot, some cheap floozy he can just keep toying around with. I'm a real person with real feelings! It was bad enough that I was letting him kiss me while he was still with Quinn. But now I AM THE CHEATER! Oh gosh, what have I done? Why can't he just… {{sigh}} oh come on Rachel. Be honest with yourself. You know you still want him as your own. Okay yes I do. I DO. So what? It does not change the fact that HE changes his mind all the time! And clearly, he does NOT respect the sanctity of DATING since he's constantly blurring or crossing the lines (with his LIPS) and cheating all the time!

With me. He only seems to be willing to cheat or cross those lines with or for ME. Hmm.

Still, our friendship really can't take another big blow. We've barely been holding on while I've been dating Jesse. What if I broke up with Jesse and started dating Finn again, and one of those Cheerios decided they want him back? I couldn't compete with Quinn or Santana, that's for sure. My heart couldn't take it if it happened again.

And yet, he's all my heart seems to want, since I still dream about him almost every night. And my lips are still tingling and my head is still fuzzy and I can still taste the BBQ flavored potato chips he must've snacked on from the vending machine at the doctor's office. He's not making this easy for me to keep resisting him. Especially when my sweater still smells like him thanks to that very long hug goodbye.

He really isn't playing fair is he? 'When are you going to realize that he's not into you like I am?' Dammit Finn. Maybe I already do. But why couldn't YOU have realized that BEFORE you broke up with me in the hallway? BEFORE I met Jesse?

Oh, no. No. He really is not playing fair. NOT. AT. ALL. Rick Springfield, Finn?! Really?

Okay. I guess I should have expected this… I know he loves his 80's classic rock. The moment Mr. Schuester gave out this assignment, I felt there was this possibility – but I honestly didn't actually expect him to perform it for the entire club! However, I have to admit it felt very empowering, being serenaded to like that in front of the entire club. (HAHA take that Santana Lopez and Quinn Fabray! He wants this girl, not any of you silly vapid Cheerios!) And gosh. Watching him sing while drumming was just some new kind of sexual torture… and he smelled so good, and when he got so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck I almost screamed his name and jumped him in the middle of the choir room! His hand brushed my arm and it was like an electrical current zapped through me… so apparently yes, he still knows how to get my attention (then again, it honestly doesn't take much effort on his part, other than simply showing up). Also the power and the passion with which he delivered those lyrics, one might presume HE was the original lyricist! He clearly meant what he sang; as I have come to know Finn well enough to know, he only best says what he means through song. (Another reason why we would be so perfect together.)

{{SIGH}}… but why does Finn's timing always seem to be so, just, just WRONG? And that's saying something considering he is a DRUMMER. He knows I'm still with Jesse. He knows Jesse isn't back from spring break yet. I told him how much I care about Jesse. Um. But, well, he doesn't know that I really don't care as much about Jesse as I do still care for him. So why am I dragging this out? At this rate I feel like I am prolonging the inevitable but I honestly cannot remember my reasons for choosing to do so anymore.

Talking to him after school didn't seem to get me anywhere either. I made sure I ran out after him before he could leave and caught him in the parking lot.

"FINN HUDSON! What were you trying to prove in there? Why would you sing that song?"

"Rach, I didn't know how else to get through to you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been trying to tell you for weeks - months, even - just how much I care about you. Yeah, I know I messed up my chances with you, more than once. And I know I hurt you that day I said all the stupid stuff I said, y'know, inner rockstar and whatever. In my defense, that was Mr. Schue's bad advice by the way.. But. Maybe you don't know that I regretted the words even as they came out of my mouth because it wasn't what I really wanted to say to you. Maybe you don't know that you hurt me too that day, when you sang that song for your Hello assignment."

"I hurt YOU?"

"Yeah.. well, you made it clear PUBLICLY that you were washing your hands of me. It didn't feel good at all."

"No I suppose it doesn't feel good being humiliated like that, does it Finn? When someone says things that break your heart it hurts doesn't it. And also, what could you have possibly wanted to say to me that ended up coming out as 'I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND' instead?"

"Well, if you hadn't gone all spastic on me and then ran off, or even if you had answered your phone when I tried to call you later that day, I might have explained how seeing Quinn and Puck together in the hallways was still messing with my head pretty bad. I mean you & me, we did sorta jump right into things immediately after sectionals before I really had a chance to like, figure things out. So yeah, I had some trust issues – not that I didn't trust you, but with myself. Somehow I had totally MISSED my girlfriend and my best friend getting together and cheating on me. Not to mention losing what I thought was MY kid… I was sorta, grieving I guess, and I couldn't trust myself to make good choices, or trust handing my heart off to anyone else at exactly that moment. It wasn't fair to you that I couldn't focus on being a couple with you at the time.. But I never meant I didn't wanna be a couple with you at all. I just needed a little time to clear my head and deal with stuff."

Crap. All of a sudden Finn seems to have figured out exactly what he wants to say and is finally saying what he actually means for a change. And he's right - I didn't give him a chance to explain any of this before I tore into him and ran off.

"Well.. th-that's certainly understandable, when you explain it in that context.. But, but.. That does NOT sound anything remotely in the same neighborhood as what you actually did say. And what you did say crushed my heart."

I couldn't help but notice the tears starting to collect in his eyes.

"Is it too late to apologize for that, again? I mean, I did say I was sorry before.. But somehow I don't feel like you believed me then. Would you believe me now?"

"Yes Finn. I.. I believe you. Apology accepted."

How could I not believe him? After that rather bold and brazen performance in the choir room, I'd have to be a cruel heartless monster to not accept his apology. He had to leave to run an errand for his mother, but I don't think we were really done talking yet.

I know I'm not fooling anyone – least of all myself. I still love Finn Hudson and I still want him to love me back. Only now, I'm pretty sure he already does and this time I need to catch up to HIM. I need to talk to him again.

Except, my tonsillitis isn't getting any better and I probably should not be talking AT ALL right now, certainly not if I want to get my voice back in shape and competition ready! But Finn did say he'd love me with or without my voice… which might just be the sweetest thing he could say to me.

He thinks he knows me just SOOO well doesn't he? I have no clue where he intends to take me today, but it had better be worth my time! I'm not well, I should be home with some hot tea and Vapo-rub and steam humidifiers and a hot water bottle resting my voice. But he insists I need to go with him for my own good? What does that even mean?

Oh my gosh. He really does know me doesn't he? Life goes on, even if you think the worst thing possible happened to you. Finn never fails to amaze me. I can't believe his poor friend Sean was injured so badly and still has such a great outlook on things – he could have been killed! And goodness, that same thing could happen to Finn if he keeps playing football! Okay Rachel you need to calm down. Finn is a very capable athlete and it would probably take another cheating steroid using 300lb monster of a player to do any real bodily harm to him, right?

Still, as the quarterback, I gather he's the guy that all the other guys want to knock out all the time, right? Although, I really still don't understand exactly why that is. Perhaps back when we were still together, if Finn wasn't so busy kissing me in between explaining the rules of football to me, I might have absorbed more information and have a better understanding of the sport. Maybe I need another lesson… but I suppose I'd need to break up with Jesse first… :)