"Smoke Ed If You Got Em"
Rated T for drug use.
Summary: Ed and Eddy show their brotherly bond with the most unexpected thing that comes closer than any jawbreaker combined. From there on out, craziness ensues.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Ed, Edd n Eddy, including its characters. Anyway, here's a little something I did, just because I was bored. And if you have to ask what this title actually implies, well then, you'll just have to read the story to find out. ;)
P.S.: They'll be of legal age in this story, just so we're clear. Heck, you can take this as an AU if you want.
P.P.S.: Also, don't do drugs, mmm'kay?
"Is it true, Eddy? Do you actually have one?" Said Ed, who felt a bit of anticipation running through his yellow-skinned veins.
Eddy turned his shoulder with a smirk saying, "Oh yeah, sent in by my old cousin in secret since I don't want the folks to know. They even believe the story that my cousin's sending me an expensive vase from a foreign country as decoration."
"You lucky dog you." Ed smirked in a sing-songy way.
"Trust me, monobrow," Eddy winked before saying, "We're about to get even more lucky today."
Ed waited with thrilled suspense as Eddy slid his bedroom door and entered inside, only for his eyes to pop like an airbag when he saw the one image that was standing on top of Eddy's bed right now:
A big bong that was colored just like a big jawbreaker.
Seeing this beneath his own two eyes forced Ed to freak out ecstatically, "No way! Is that a bong?"
"You got it, Ed." Eddy winked, nodding widely as he grabbed the handle of the bong just to show to Ed, "But this just isn't any bong. It's a bong in which the bong water inside this thing tastes just like jawbreakers!"
Hearing the last word come from Eddy's lips made Ed so thrilled that he attempted to eat the whole entire bong in one sitting.
But before Ed could, Eddy managed to back the object away from Ed's lips, forcing Ed's teeth to crash altogether as Eddy said, "Hey, you don't eat it, stupid!"
"But what do you do with it if it's colored like a jawbreaker, Eddy?" Ed cluelessly asked.
"Well, it's simple Ed," Eddy said, pointing to the dresser. "Just hand me the lighter."
"Will do, Eddy!" Ed nodded as he quickly went over to the dresser.
He then opened the dresser door only to find a lighter with the Atlanta Falcons logo emblazoned on the cover. Ed grabbed the thing out of the dresser before shutting the dresser door tight and retreating back to his friend.
"Got the lighter, Eddy! What next?" Ed asked Eddy.
The moneymaker placed his finger on the filter saying, "Light it right to the filter, numbskull."
"Gotcha, Eddy." Ed saluted as he did what he was told.
The unibrowed Ed struck a lighter right close to the filter, forcing Eddy to place his mouth around the bong ring. He was then treated to the sound of the bong water bubbling inside all soon followed by the feeling of smoke inhaling through Eddy's entire lips, which strangely emitted a jawbreaker aftertaste. Eddy ate all that sweet bong smoke for all it was worth, holding it long enough for him to blow out a puff in front of his friend's face. Ed suddenly found himself the urge to inhale the smoke Eddy had blown at him, taking it all in through his nostrils with such a half-baked grin in his face.
"Whoa, that's… that's rocking, Eddy." Ed chuckled.
"Hell yeah it is." Eddy nodded before handing Ed the bong. "Your turn, lumpy."
Ed immediately put his mouth around the opening of the bong, leaving Eddy to grab the lighter from Ed's hands and strike the lighter towards the filter. Ed felt an ecstatic sigh go through him as the sound of bubbling bong water treated his ears like such heavenly music. The taller Ed boy found the opportunity for his mouth to inhale the bong smoke himself, all before he leaned up and blew up a huge puff of that jawbreaker-flavored smoke to his friend's face in return. And Eddy found it in himself to breathe in every ounce of that smoke given to him by his lugnut of a friend himself.
"Maaaaan, that feels soooooo good…" Eddy said with such a sighed relax.
Ed looked at Eddy with a snicker, laughing out loud, "You look funny, Eddy."
"No, you look funny, Ed." Eddy smirked back, all while taking in a cough. "I'll tell ya, Ed. This hits SO HARD."
"Yeah, Eddy." Ed nodded before asking, "How long should we be doing this?"
It was suddenly the wisest question Ed had asked. An hour would suddenly pass as the entire room engulfed itself in nothing more than the smoke that emitted through the bong itself. And it suddenly left both Ed and Eddy baked out of their asses, forcing them to sit on the floor while pressing their backs towards the king size bed Eddy would sleep on. The only thing they were now seeing besides the bong smoke was the entire drugged-up room spinning all around them like a groovy psychedelic trip, all set to the tune of "One Of These Days" by Pink Floyd playing around Eddy's turntable.
With his eyes bloodshot like a strawberry-flavored jawbreaker, Eddy turned his head toward Ed replying, "Hey burrhead."
"Yeah, Eddy?" Ed asked, turning his head to face him.
"How many… how many fingers am I holding up, lumpy?"
Ed immediately checked Eddy's hand to see his friend made what seemed to be an open palm. However, the fog made it very impossible for Ed to actually look at his friend's hand without even trying, which would explain why his eyes started squinting in order to get a closer look. In the however, all Ed could do at this point was laugh in response of his friend's statement.
"I… I kinda forgot, Eddy." He said, finally answering Eddy's question.
"Oh, screw this," Said a groaned Eddy. He found himself relaxed with a another sigh asking Ed, "What… what do you wanna talk about… uhhhhh…"
"Ed, Eddy." Ed said, finishing the last word for him.
"Really? That's your name?" Eddy raised his eyebrow for a second. He immediately let out a brief shrug. "I thought it was Jonny."
"I'm pretty sure it's Ed, Eddy." Ed corrected him yet again.
"Your name is Ed Eddy?" Eddy raised his eyebrow once more before whining, "Why the hell didn't you tell me your last name was Eddy?"
Ed raised an eyebrow himself, "My last name is Eddy?"
"No, Ed, that's my name." Eddy said, correcting himself to Ed.
Ed's finger tapped itself on the chin saying, "Your full name is Eddy Eddy?"
"Ugh, forget it," Eddy replied, therefore blowing Ed off. "Sometimes I kinda wished Double E was here."
"It's… it's Double D, Eddy." Ed said, referring to their friend Edd.
"I know what it is, lumpy," Eddy turned to his friend with a half-baked scowl, "I ain't the one that's… that's high…"
Silence suddenly yet awkwardly broke between the two for a while, not even knowing what to say about their own half-baked wellbeing. There were opportune times that both Ed and Eddy wanted to say something to each other, but brain fog had settled between them long enough to become speechless. At that point, the only things they were hearing right now was the sweet asmr-like sounds of Pink Floyd calming their entire bloodshot nerves.
It all lasted for a good six minutes before Ed's stomach started to rumble out of nowhere, forcing the unibrowed to slowly look down at his stomach with a chuckle saying. "I'm hungry."
"Me too," Eddy nodded, all while still drugged out of his mind. "I'd go get some food, but… I'm too tired to go anywhere. Plus I'm sure I… don't have any food in the house."
"But I want food, Eddy." Ed sadly groaned, feeling nourishment for food.
The two were quite in a tricky situation even in a baked state such as this. But even so, it didn't stop Eddy from having an idea in his mind as he declared with big bold letters:
"I know where we can get food!"
Edd, or Double D as he was called, was in his bedroom safe and sound reading a book all while the song "Sadeness" by Enigma surrounded his room with a type of aura that fit his type. It was strange that Double D would be into that weird type of Gregorian-chant-techno music, but for its sensual beats, it's what calmed Double D down and proved to be an escape from the outside world. The book Double D was reading proved to be an escape as well, which just happened to involve the history of butterflies.
"Mmmm, how graceful this one is. I bet they're just so silk like bed sheets." Edd muttered to himself, feeling content in his book.
He remained like this for a good several minutes before…
*RUMBLE!*
His stomach started to rumble, signaling hunger going on in his firm tummy. It was very clear that he was in dire need of an appetite.
Double D noticed that rumble himself saying, "Welp, all that reading's got me hungry. Gonna see what's downstairs."
The brainiac immediately put his book down and left his bedroom, walking downstairs just to get to the kitchen where a fridge full of food awaited him. Double D only stopped halfway downstairs just to hear the sound of a huge burp coming from the kitchen, which sounded so much like Ed. A huge gulp formed inside Double D's throat realizing the painful memory he had when his unibrowed friend sleepwalked into his house one night and raided his kitchen that one time.
"Oh no…" He thought to himself, all before Edd raced down the remaining stairs as quickly as possible.
When he finally got there however, he was treated to a horrifying sight that his eyes wouldn't believe shocked him until now:
The sight of his friends Ed and Eddy laying down on the kitchen floor with their stomachs stuffed full of food. And some of the food they didn't eat, most of them were various condiments like ketchup, mustard, relish and horseradish, were all scattered and splattered heavily through the walls, the counter, the sink, the table and even the entire fridge combined. It looked more like a natural disaster than a sloppy mess.
It was a mess so insane that Double D marched toward his friends and yelled out, "WHAT THE HELL, GUYS?!"
The sound of his voice proved to be enough to wake his friends up, leaving both Ed and Eddy to look toward Double D as he exchanged a very pissed off glare at the two Ed Boys.
"HI DOUBLE D… Hi buddy…" Ed said, rubbing his eyes from his food coma.
"I thought… I thought his name was Double T." Eddy stuttered, still looking high as shit.
Double D crossed his arms angrily as he said to the two, "Can one of you two explain to me what in God's green earth did you two do to my food?!"
"There's… there's a good explanation for that," Eddy said with a drunk-like chuckle, "Ed, tell him, will ya."
"Will do, Eddy!" Ed said to Eddy before grinning to Double D, "I was hungry, so we ate it all. It was Eddy's idea, Double D!"
A gasp suddenly broke inside Double D, leaving him to scowl even more at his short little friend in disgust.
"Hey, don't look at me, Double…" Eddy paused unexpectedly, turning to Ed with his eyebrow raised, "Um, what is his name again?"
"It's Double D, Eddy." Ed replied.
"Oh, that's right. It's Kevin!" Eddy exclaimed.
"Are those two LITERALLY on drugs?' Edd wondered to himself. He pressed out a long groan before crouching at Eddy, "What the hell do you have to say for yourself?!"
Eddy tried his best to think on what to say, only to realize his brain faulted on him for the last possible second, leaving himself clueless much to Ed's laughter and Edd's annoyance.
The moneymaker remained speechless for several seconds before using such cartoon logic, he pulled out a bong from his pants pockets saying, "You want some, buddy?"
"OH MY LORD, YOU WERE SMOKING OUT OF A BONG?!" Edd shrieked in horror.
"What are ya… what are you complaining about?" Eddy scowled at Edd, still high as ever, "We were hungry, not smoking. Tomato, tomahto."
"I love tomatoes…" Ed laughed goofily.
Edd was unable to contain his pure anger from unleashing on his friends, leaving him to clench his nose in utter stupidity of his friends.
"I swear, out of the most stupidest shit I've seen you do with your scams like selling ice cream out of glue, making a sauna out of Jonny's house, making cream puffs filled with bowling balls that broke Jimmy's teeth, even going so far to act stupid the first time around when I tried to rehabilitate you, this has gotta be the worst thing you've ever frickin' done!" Edd yelled out, coming this close to having his hat explode due to his outgoing anger.
Ed grinned once again, "You're welcome!"
"Yeah, what… what sockhead said…" Eddy laughed very stupidly.
"Ed, you are lucky that your parents and that big mouth sister of yours are out of town," Edd said pointing to Ed. "Because you wanna know what they'd do to you if they saw you high like this?"
Ed put his finger to his chain before shrugging, "I forget."
"Geeeeeeezzzzz… chill the hell out, sockhead," Eddy groaned, "You act like you're scaring us straight or something."
"And as for you, Eddy," Double D said, pointing to Eddy this time. "You are almost acting like your father after he's drunk on an entire 12 pack of that repulsive beer."
Eddy couldn't help himself but laugh half-baked once again, "Hey, he's at least funny that way."
Double D at this point was at his angriest that he has gotten so far. He didn't know when to either punch the hell out of his two friends or pretty much get them out of his house, He knew either way wasn't gonna result in anything pretty.
So he strangely managed to calm himself down at least before saying to Eddy, "Okay, it's pretty obvious I can't freaking deal with you and Ed with this shit you're doing. Apparently, you two are too high like kites for me to reason with. Look, just do yourself a favor and clean this mess you've created and then at least find some way to put some food back into my house! That's all I LEAST asked for! God, no wonder you two are my friends!"
"Wow, Double D's mad." Ed said, exchanging a bit of a drugged-up snort.
Eddy looked at Ed saying, "I thought his name was Double B."
"Why do I even bother putting up with these two… dumbasses?" Edd shrieked out again, all before he gasped to himself, "Oh my… I've been cursing just as bad as a sailor is."
Double D, feeling very upset yet embarrassed, ran upstairs to wash out his mouth off with soap, possibly an attempt to get rid of his foul mouth filled with dirty obscene language. This left Ed and Eddy feeling very confused and puzzled as ever, not even knowing what to make of their hat-wearing friend's behavior.
"I forgot what we're supposed to do, Eddy." Ed shrugged.
Eddy shrugged back to his friend, "What the hell should I know? I'm not your dad, lumpy."
"I'm still hungry, Eddy." Ed groaned yet again.
"Me too, but I don't know what to do about it," Eddy shrugged a little before looking at his bong and said, "Let's puff up and think."
"Hit me up, Eddy." Ed requested his friend, obviously thinking on which place they should find out in order to make Double D feel a little bit better. And they felt the need to think it up as they took in another hit of Eddy's jawbreaker-colored bong.
Kevin was busy riding his precious bike as usual, obviously doing cartwheels on his way home as a way to pass the time and hone his bike skills as usual. Oh, and for the fact that he was busy getting a drink from the convenience store, right next to where the local candy shop was. After a long hard day of hanging with Rolf and Jonny down at the town's local go-kart track, a nice little drink to cool off is something Kevin immediately needed to do him in.
He took a sip of his orange soda saying with a relaxed sigh, "Ahhh, that's the stuff."
Kevin, with his heart content of soda, placed his bike inside of the house to hook with a bike chain, all before finally entering inside his house at the same time his stomach started to rumble full of hunger. It was very clear that daily diet of go-karting and bike riding was more than enough to give him an appetite.
"I wonder what's for lunch…?" Kevin said to himself as he headed for the kitchen, proceeding to grab the door handle of the fridge itself.
He opened it wide open only to see that the food had somehow disappeared for some reason. This surprised Kevin out of strange curiosity realizing that all of the meat, cheese, milk, vegetables, butter and various condiments were wiped away clean from the fridge itself.
"What the hell, why is there no food in the fridge?" The bazooka-chinned teen muttered to himself. He shook that negativity off quickly before saying, "Never mind, I'll check the freezer."
Kevin immediately checked the freezer like he said, only to shockingly realize there was no food either. Not one trace of ice cream, frozen pizza, pizza bites, hot pockets or any kind of poultry whatsoever. The sight of a food-less refrigerator and freezer was enough to make Kevin upset in a bad way possible.
"Aw, come on," The bike-rider said, groaning to himself in response.
Kevin could not believe for a second that his food from both the fridge and freezer would somehow walk out and disappear like this. The first time he checked today, the food full of meat and milk was still there. But when he somehow checked it the other time around, it was all gone in an instant.
This really puzzled Kevin at first. But then, he realized that he still had one place he forgot to check.
"The cabinets!" Kevin gasped frantically, therefore racing over to the cabinets, "Maybe they moved the entire food over to the cabinets. You know, just as a prank to mess with me."
The bazooka-chin opened up the cabinets in order to find another glimmer of hope, but alas…
…
…
…
…it was all empty too.
"You gotta be kidding me," Kevin groaned before shouting maniacally, "IT'S ALL GONE TOO?"
He then shut the cabinet door, trying so hard to keep his calm and composure as ever from this situation. There was no way he could be completely robbed of food like this. Kevin knew deep down he locked all doors and windows in the house before he left. There could be no other way any robber with 100% lockpicking skills could infiltrate his home and raid Kevin's entire fridge, freezer and cabinets like this. This just had to be a sick dream Kevin was in. But the problem was that it wasn't. It was all real.
It was real enough for Kevin to sink down to his knees and shout out, "Who the hell is doing to me, man? WHERE'S MY FOOD?!"
But yet, despite losing his mind, there had seemed to be one place where Kevin never had thought of checking for food in the first place. It was there that reality hit him with a glimmer of hope that he unexpectedly needed, leading him to exclaim frantically:
"The garage… that's where the jawbreakers are!"
Kevin immediately got back up on his feet and raced right over to the garage door, all in hopes that the jawbreakers that his father stashed there inside the garage would still be there intact. It was the only place that Kevin knew the robbers wouldn't have any bother intruding there if they tried.
He opened the garage door wide open, hoping to see the big pile of jawbreakers much to his relief. But when he did however, he was met with the image he would see next with his own two eyes:
Nothing.
Zip.
Nada.
All completely cleaned out leaving nothing more than a little spider crawling out from one of the boxes where the jawbreakers were. Kevin had become speechless of what he was now enduring. No food in the fridge, the freezer, the cabinets and even worse than that. There were completely no mountains full of jawbreakers left in existence. He was completely EMPTY.
This blank picture left Kevin to sink under his knees yet again and scream out angrily, "WHO STOLE MY FUCKING JAWBREAKERS!?"
It had been late in the afternoon as both Eddy, Ed and their best friend Double D were busy sucking on the juicy fruity jawbreakers that they had snatched away unseen from Kevin's entire garage. Double D felt content, not just of the fact that he was slurping on that fresh clean-as-crisp jawbreaker, but he felt content that the rest of his friends managed to put a lot of food back in that fridge and freezer of his. Best part was that every ounce of food that Double D now had somehow came from Kevin's house.
"Okay, I'm not gonna lie, this sooooooo totally makes up for all my food you ate today." Edd smirked, still aroused by the taste of his jawbreaker.
"I think that extra hit I took made me focus more, Double V." Eddy smirked back to Double D.
Ed reminded him once more, "It's Double D, Eddy."
"Whatever, lumpy." Eddy replied, still slurping on his jawbreaker.
"Honestly, Eddy, you really need to quit smoking out of that bong of yours," Edd said, rolling his eyes, "It's clear your brain's still a little messed up."
"No way, this stuff is keeping me from yelling all the damn time." Eddy shook his head, keeping his mouth full at the same time, "Besides, I'll quit smoking pot when you stop being an annoyance with your frickin' whining."
Edd rolled his eyes saying, "Whatever you say, Eddy."
"So how long till Kevin finds out we stole his food?" Ed asked politely.
"Trust me, Kevin ain't gonna know shit." Eddy shook his head smirking, "If anything else, he's gonna get accused and grounded for eating all the food and jawbreakers he had left."
"I certainly hope not, otherwise we'll all be in the hospital by night." Edd said worryingly. "If not dead by morning!"
Eddy then reassured Double D while placing a hand on his shoulder, "Oh, I'm pretty sure that'll be Kevin once his own dad kicks his ass."
Edd suddenly pondered this horrendous, yet satisfying thought for a second.
He then shrugged with a tremendous smirk, "Yeah, you're right. He probably deserves it."
"I just realized something, guys." Ed replied.
"What, Ed?"
"Those red hot cinnamon flavored jawbreakers just opened up today at the candy store!" Ed proudly exclaimed.
"So what? We don't have the money." Eddy shrugged.
"Maybe not," Double D shook his head too.
But it only was for a brief second before Double D pulled out his wallet and said, "But I do."
Eddy and Ed immediately took in a very shocked gasp at the wad of cash Double D had possessed from his pocket, literally making them crazed and excited as ever.
"How did you make that much money?!" The scam artist asked Edd out of curiosity.
The brainiac grinned a little bit as he shrugged, "A gentleman never really kisses and tells, Eddy."
"Well, what are we waiting for, guys?" Eddy gasped before shouting, "LET'S GOOOOO!"
It wasn't long before Eddy got right out of his chair and headed straight for the door, thankfully with that jawbreaker dissolved inside his mouth just to make room for another one.
This left Double D alone with Ed, who foolishly asked him, "Who's the special girl, Double D?"
Edd quietly muttered to Ed, "You really need to get out much, Ed…"
With a sigh broken across his lungs, Edd took off running for the door with Ed following suit all the way to the candy store. But strangely enough, the two didn't seem to see Eddy far away at all. He obviously must've been a fast runner or yet, for some odd strange reason, Double D suddenly felt a strange realization hit through him long enough to stop in front of Ed.
"What's the matter, Double D?" Ed asked Edd.
Double D found himself breaking out a small groan as he turned to the left and shouted out, "Eddy, the candy store is this way, not over there to Jimmy's house!"
"Sorry, that stuff got to me again." Eddy replied with an embarrassed chuckle, shaking himself long enough for him to rejoin the three Ed boys on their brief race down to the candy store.
Welp, there you go everyone, the image of Eddy still drugged up for everyone to enjoy.
Once again, don't do drugs, especially if you happen to smoke out of a giant bong that's painted to be a jawbreaker. LOL
Anyway, want to thank The Amazing Ghost Musician for helping me out with this little quick humorous fic of mine. Yes, you heard me, he deserves all of the credit too. Not just me. Now that I'm done rambling, you know what to do, everyone. Don't forget to read, review, and leave some feedbacks on what you thought about the story as well. Until next time, be smart, be safe, be kind to each other, and most importantly, take care, homies!