Sneaking a Snake

Smoke was rising from a recent explosion behind him. It had been a spectacular boom. Best of all, he hadn't even used Scorpia resources for it.

Alex had a giant snake stuffed down the front of his shirt. More accurately, it was curled around his chest. It was, perhaps, not the subtlest hiding spot on the planet but the poor thing desperately needed saving! He grinned as he gunned the motorcycle beneath him.

Fifty more feet until he hit the location of the Fer de Lance. He flicked his earpiece back on. "Hey Marcus, please start the boat back up. The mission went a little south."

Alex turned so sharply that he was nearly thrown off the bike as gunshots began to sound around him. The snake let out a very grumpy-sounding hiss. He stroked its head.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WENT SOUTH AND ARE THOSE GUNSHOTS?!"

Alex let out a sigh. The snake began squeezing his chest. He poked it. The coils slacked slightly. "Well, er, Regional Director Card was a shill for Blunt, who decided he didn't want to let me go back. He tried sticking me in some sort of dungeon, but his giant pet anaconda killed some guards and ate him and Blunt so I escaped."

There was a slight pause. Alex heard the gunshots ring out more distantly.

"I'M SORRY, FUCKING WHAT?! THERE WAS NO MENTION OF A GIANT FUCKING MANEATING ANACONDA IN THE MISSION BRIEF!"

Alex grinned as he turned towards the boat. Twenty feet. He was very, very close. Alex could almost taste the sea. "To be fair, Card and Blunt could have been his first human meal."

Marcus let out a grumbling noise over his earpiece. Alex surged down the boardwalk just as the gunmen caught up with him. He heard the bullet raining down on the wood behind him as he jumped the rest of the boardwalk and hit the deck. The boat immediately surged forward, nearly throwing Alex overboard.

HISSSSSSSSSSS!

"FUCKING EARPIECES! WHY DOES YOURS ALWAYS BREAK UP AND STATIC OUT?!"

Alex pasted a sheepish look on his face as Marcus threw open the door of the main cabin. He winced as Marcus glared at him. "The earpiece isn't broken."

HISSSSSSSSSSS!

Marcus let out a very girly-sounding scream as the snake emerged from Alex's shirt. The head was almost as large as a small melon. The snake seemed to have had enough of Escaping with Alex Time and released him, slithering away. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Alex gave Marcus his most innocent look. Marcus looked distinctly unimpressed. "They were going to kill it! I couldn't just leave her!"

Marcus facepalmed. Alex heard him let out a moan into his hand. He was unsure if trying to talk with Marcus would make this better or worse. "Alex. There is a man-eating snake on Mr. Gregorovich's boat. That he is inspecting. When we get back."

Alex wilted slightly. Marcus looked like he was about to start banging his head against the mast. He shrugged. "It's a twenty-five-foot-long anaconda, Marcus. We'll find it just fine!"

Marcus's eye twitched. Alex gave him his most sheepish look. Marcus let out a hiss of his own and rolled his eyes. "You're lucky that you're too expensive to murder, you know that, right?"

Alex grinned at Marcus. Marcus began grumping about and handed him a flashlight. "That just means you love me too much to murder me."

Alex was lightly bonked on the head with a flashlight. Marcus' expression didn't even budge as Alex glared at him. "Marcusssssss."

Marcus smirked slightly as Alex pouted. He started towards the door that led below deck. "No time like the present to start. Besides, you better hope we find your scaly friend first. Snakes' stomach acid dissolves bones and Mr. Gregorovich and Doctor Three might want DNA evidence to back up your mission report claims."

Alex blanched as he realized that they might cut his new best friend open. He dutifully padded behind Marcus as the man began to make his way across the ship. Hopefully, they found the snake before he had to give his mission report to Yassen.

They did not find the snake before his report to Yassen. Yassen's expression turned from dubious to angry to amused through his report. Alex was feeling borderline hysterical as he wrapped up the part where he lost the snake. He had graciously decided not to mention Marcus' scream to anyone. "...and I have a copy of all the surveillance tapes here in case anyone asks us to prove it!"

Joe Byrne might. Then again, the man sort of trusted Alex. They had an on-again, off-again deal with the CIA.

Yassen was shaking. It took Alex a second to realize he was laughing. "Orion. Well. I shall discuss this with Doctor Three. In the meantime, have Adams locate a herpetologist and try to sleep."

Alex wasn't sure what he was thinking. Perhaps it was sleep deprivation. He burst out his only question. "Can I keep the snake?"

Yassen blinked at him. Alex gave him puppy eyes. His mentor's eyes narrowed considerably. "The care and keeping will come out of your salary."

Alex had expected that. He shrugged. "Alright."

Yassen continued. Alex suspected there was going to be a catch. There was always a catch. "You will be covering the costs if it eats anyone else important."

That sounded fairly reasonable. Maybe he was going to get off easy this time. Maybe-

"You will be doing a photo shoot with the snake so we can put it in our employee newsletter and inform Ms. Starbright of the acquisition of your new pet."

Alex suppressed his groan and resisted the urge to pout. He was pretty sure Yassen saw right through it. "Yassen."

Yassen smirked as he cut their video call. His boss was a smug bitch sometimes. Alex forgot why he even liked Yassen sometimes.

Right, he was going to call Adams first. Adams would be nice to him. He might even get to whine a little bit about the stupid fucking photoshoot.

"So, erm. Iadoptedatwentyfivefootananaconda."

Jack cleared her throat over the phone. Alex felt his stomach sink. "I'm sorry, I think I had a stroke. Did you say you adopted a twenty-five-foot-long anaconda?"

Alex winced at her tone. Maybe he shouldn't have called her at three in the morning her time? That probably didn't help. "Yes. Yassen said it was fine!"

Jack let out a long sigh over her phone line. Alex was tempted to start chewing his lower lip. "I'm starting to feel like the mom in a divorced couple, Alex. Please just tell me I won't have to take care of the stupid thing. You know I have a snake phobia."

Alex had forgotten about that with the mission and the mad search going on. He should probably splurge on an extra-nice gift for Jack or something. "Pinky promise. I'm even having Adams find a herpetologist."

Jack's tone seemed to soften over the phone. Alex was not going to mention that had been Yassen's idea. He all but held his breath. "Alright. And…is it true the thing ate Blunt?"

Alex started laughing a little bit. He could hear the giggle in Jack's voice at the rumor. "It did. They were starving the poor thing!"

Alex heard a few poorly disguised laughs on the other end of the phone. It wasn't the first time he'd brought something home. He could almost taste the fond exasperation in her reply.

"I'm sure. No accounting for taste with that thing."

"Wha-HEY!"

Jack was laughing as she hung up on him.

Alex grinned as he put the phone away. Now all he had to do was get through that ridiculous fucking photoshoot and deal with people's "concerned" emails - meaning the nosy shits would be fishing for gossip. Perhaps he should include an FAQ in the newsletter article.

Fin