"Let's put an end to this, Yagami."

"Come at me, I'm gonna send you straight to hell!"

Chizuru turns back to look at them, her lip curling in distaste as purple collides with orange. Idiots. She whips her head around with a "hmph" and stalks off. They'll never stop fighting, and there's nothing she can do to make them. So she stays out of their lives as much as possible– unless, of course, they have Orochi business to take care of. And then Chizuru has to go through the effort of making the boys swear not to kill each other while they deal with the annoying snake. At this point, she's surprised that she hasn't killed them herself.

Kyo pauses mid-attack, squinting at Chizuru's form in the distance.

"I think she's gone," he says. Iori is in a similar position– his arms and flames dangling midair as he also looks at Chizuru.

Kyo pushes Iori against the nearest rock and smashes their lips together. Iori winds his arms around his rival, trying to press their bodies together as much as he physically can. Kyo and Iori aren't sure when their hatred had been replaced by lust, but they've stopped questioning it. Sex is a much better outlet than beating the shit out of each other.

Iori is busy shoving Kyo's underwear down when a scream erupts from seemingly nowhere. It sounds a lot like Chizuru.

Ah. It is Chizuru. What's she doing here?

"What the fuck are you two doing?!"

Too stunned to speak, the boys just stare at her. She wasn't even this pissed when Kyo and Iori set the hotel on fire in '97.

"Nothing!" Kyo yells, his voice rising several octaves as he scrambles for his underwear. Where the hell did Yagami throw it?

"What– what are you doing here?" Iori tries to deflect, but it's hard when his dick is out and he's trying to find something to cover it, because dammit, where the hell did Kyo throw his pants?

Chizuru is about to pop a fucking blood vessel.

"I came back here because I thought I'd ask you two if you'd like to go out for dinner when you're done, but– but– you're fucking on the Orochi seal!" She gestures wildly with her arms, chest heaving as she screeches at them. Iori and Kyo wince at her shrill tone, positive that they'll go deaf after this.

"Um, I-I actually have to get back to my girlfriend, s-so I can't go," Kyo says.

Iori glares at him while Chizuru gives him an unimpressed look. "Right," she says, "because clearly, you care about her sooo much."

"Yes," Kyo nods.

"Put your fucking pants on, Kusanagi!" Chizuru pulls off one of her shoes and chucks it at Kyo's head. He narrowly dodges it.

"I'm getting there!" Kyo glances at Iori, who's already dressed. "Wait, how did you–"

"KYO! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR DICK!"

Kyo jumps and continues looking for his pants. Iori taps his shoulder, holding them out to him. Thank fuck, maybe now Chizuru will stop–

A shoe hits his back. Normally, Kyo would threaten to set her on fire, but he doesn't feel like he's in any position to do so.

Chizuru rubs her temples as Kyo finally turns to her with his pants on. He's still shirtless, but it's better than before. She takes a deep breath.

"How long have you two been together?"

Kyo opens his mouth to answer, but Iori shoves his shirt in it. Kyo makes a muffled noise of surprise, because when did Iori find his shirt?

"We're not together."

"Then what are you?" Chizuru crosses her arms over her chest and scowls at them. "Friends? Lovers? Rivals with benefits?"

"...the last one fits," Iori mumbles with a shrug. "Why are you so upset? At least we don't burn hotels down anymore."

"No, but I was wondering why I kept hearing strange noises coming from your room at the hotel! I thought, maybe it's just Yagami being Yagami, but no! You were fucking him!"

Kyo clears his throat. "A-actually, I also fuck him–"

"And you– on the goddamn seal, you–" Chizuru ignores him and screams in frustration, unable to form coherent thoughts anymore.

She saw their dicks. She can't be friends with them anymore.

Chizuru sighs. She's suddenly very tired, and her throat hurts.

"Forget it. I'll just ask Shingo and your dad if they wanna get dinner with me," she mumbles, turning to walk away.

Kyo frowns. "Chi, you've been hanging out with my dad a lot lately. Do you not have any other friends?"

Iori's eyes widen as he turns to Kyo. But the brunette doesn't look smug at all– it was a genuine question. Iori wonders if Kyo's head really is empty.

Chizuru whirls around and stomps over to Kyo. "Excuse me?"

"Just– my dad's kinda lame, y'know? If you wanna hang out, let me know. We could go for a ride on our bikes, or–"

Before Chizuru can yell at him, Iori grabs her arm.

"What?"

He silently takes off his shoes and hands them to her. Chizuru needs them more right now. Kyo watches in confusion, and then his eyes go wide in horror and he starts running.

"Yagami, you're a fucking traitor!" Kyo shouts as Chizuru starts chasing him. She's already thrown both of Iori's shoes at him.

"How am I a traitor if we were never on the same side?" Iori smirks at him.

Kyo stops abruptly and scowls at him. Chizuru crashes into his back, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. As soon as Kyo regains his footing, he darts after Iori, flames hot on his fingers. Iori gulps. He's still hard, and really not in the mood for a fight now.

So he starts running.

And now, Chizuru is chasing Kyo, who is chasing Iori.

Even after all these years, Team Sacred Treasures has still not gotten their shit together. And no matter how hard Chizuru Kagura tries, she just can't do anything for the world's biggest dumbasses.