This is a castle in Copenhagen. It's a legacy in the Mahkent family. Since before the Middle Ages, it's been destroyed and rebuilt many times. Vandal Savage had use for it back in the day. Per Degaton, just as often, has had time-displaced use for it...as has Wizard. Baron Blitzkrieg and Shadowspire used it as a garrison at one point. Mostly, though, these days, it's a potential refuge...for a certain someone who's just lost his second war with the JSA in three years.
This castle has come a long way. Many Mahkents have had this to come home to, as the centuries have passed. And for many of them, that was often better news. They often had very big needs to come home. It's just too bad they seldom ever had beer to cry into, once they got here...or a jukebox, on which to play sad songs.. Much can be elaborated on, regarding the Mahkent legacy... Alas, that'll just have to wait until Appendix 4F.
Below, there are dungeons. During WWII and otherwise, Shadowspire would use them to torture people; mostly Jews, but sometimes others, too. For them, the Atom-Smasher would've been a big catch...both figuratively and literally. Cyrus Gold would've been a big catch, too...if they could've gotten him before he became Grundy. King, too, once used it to psionically torture someone. Adg once used one of these dungeons to draw and quarter someone.
Upstairs, there are shrines...in the form of stone sculptures. One is of Odin. Another is of the Viking Prince. Another is of Lord Ewald. There are also smaller sculptures of the heroes Ice, Ona Tornsen, Icemaiden, Dr. Mid-Nite (Cross; neither McNider nor Chapel), Viking Commando, the one and only Beowulf, and a diplomat named Asmund Lindel. Some would be half-shocked that there isn't one of the dark wizard Wotan...or even the monster Grendel...
From downstairs, Jordan Mahkent emerges. He's on the run. He's not sure if he's wanted in his own homeland of Scandinavia...but he could be surprised. By and large, he's often loved his homeland too much to commit a crime here. Alas, it's not always easy being a villain...easier though it often is than becoming a hero.
He feels like wine. He knows there's none in this castle; it's been long-abandoned. There might be some outside, though... O, the number of states and villains in this world who'd kill, just for a supply of wine that the Mahkent estate currently owns up to... Napoleon would, too...if only he was still alive. There are way too many Napoleonic-era tombstones on this castle's grounds just outside, for Jordan to think that Napoleon never lived...or that he never killed any of Jordan's Holy Roman, Prussian, Swedish, Austrian Catholic, and Gottscheer/Black Brunswicker/Tyrolean ancestors. Jordan only can't accurse Napoleon in whole, of course, because of all of the Danish-Norwegian and Rhine Confederation Mahkents who stood beside Napoleon both in Russia and in Leipzig, as the gunpowder cannonry of the Sixth Coalition blew to shreds the defeated body of every warring Mahkent in sight.
For this, there's even a sculpture, in the cemetery on the castle grounds, of a pair of Mahkent warriors giving a nude Napoleon Bonaparte a BJ... One of them's a Danish-Norwegian Mahkent, and the other is a Rhine Confederation Mahkent. Napoleon, in this sculpture, has a forked cock; a very scary thought...even for him. The sculpture's in the back garden, of course; the Danish government would surely have the hide of every living Mahkent, if they thought that sculpture was where everyone could see it... And yet, to think the same state still has the balls to leave the Little Mermaid statue, topless as ever, where it's always been...
This is the wine cellar. Unclear, as to why it's here; Norsemen, after all, are legendarily bigger on beer. Alas, Jordan has such a big ego, and is fonder of Italian suits; hence, it makes sense why he'd prefer wine. But then, by the looks of it, he seems to be in good company, where his pedigree's at. His mother preferred wine, too. She liked tea, too; hence, it seems a shame she couldn't have had tea with Shade more often...if she didn't. Seems unlikely, though; Shade is only a pain in the neck, after all, half the time...
Into here, Jordan creeps. He can just taste that old-fashioned vintage... Again, a lot of his ancestors were Austrian Catholics. He gets teased a lot, as a Germanic fellow who prefers beer over wine... But at least Reiter, Per Degaton, Bowin, Zarick, and Adg all thought he had vision...back when they were all alive, that is to say. King did, too. Swift did, too...whenever he was on the ISA's side, that is.
In the shadows, something moves. Panicking, Jordan turns his fists into ice-daggers, and prepares to face what approaches... He might be older than his son Cameron, but he is still, nonetheless, a Mahkent that draws breath...and foggy as a Scandinavian winter, it still very well is... Or as foggy as a Blue Valley winter, even...
It emerges. It's a wisent. (That's like a bison; only European.) He's huge. He looks like something from Vanaheim... (That's one of the Nine Realms of the Norse cosmos...) Alas, he's not a wine. With luck, the wisent hasn't already drunk all the wine. He's sure acting like he has, though... But then, no one ever accused bison of being brilliant. Jordan had just better be thankful that the red villain Black Bison doesn't overhear him saying that...
Alas, he can't move. Something seems wrong with the floor... The floor, it seems, is covered in some sort of semi-solid. It stinks...of petrol, potash, and rubidium...among other volatile substances. Jordan only wishes that the potash smelled like potato chips...or Hasselback taters, even...or German fries...
Come to think of it, Sportsmaster's hockey pucks used to smell the same way... Jordan would know; better than he'd want to, in fact... It wouldn't have seemed so scary back in the day, with all due respect to Sportsmaster's obvious destructive prowess, but... Mahkent's pretty sure...very sure, in fact...that he knows exactly who's behind this... And he's pretty sure they're not here to take prisoners. He'd know; he's had the same attitude about way too many of his own opponents, over the course of his life.
Near Jordan, the wisent seems stuck, too. He starts to wail and bugle. Jordan wishes he'd stop. It's hurting his ears. Soon, though, it won't matter. Mahkent won't need hearing, where he's going. And it's just as well that he can't; people get tortured, after all, where he's going...
Jordan looks around...and up. His heart nearly freezes in his chest, as he sees a brown robe-clad figure in one of the vaults. She wears a mask. It's neither Sandman nor Dr. Mid-Nite. It's not the Spectre, either. Alas, it might as well be all of the above.
Speaking of the above, strange apparitions appear at Tigress's side. One is the Gentleman Ghost. Another is the Mist. Another is Aztar; the source of the Spectre's power. Another is Sokova/Red Lantern. Another is Sandy the Golden Boy; gas mask-clad, for the occasion. Another is Obsidian. Another is Thunderbolt; for the occasion, he poses as some sort of comic Viking. Tigress should be less embarrassed; Mr. Mxyzptlk could do worse...and has. Power Girl would know more about that than she'd want to. At that, it's a mystery as to how Power Girl hasn't pounded Mr. Mxy's head into a stone wall by now. Tigress and Wildcat would both surely get in line behind her, if it ever came to that...
Jordan's trapped; trike like a bilge rat off an old Norse longship. Delighting, Tigress takes a pair of flares; one is orange, and the other is black. She lights them both; the black flare generates purple light, where the orange one's is orange.
"You're not walking away this time," Tigress sneers, "Mahkent! This is for my parents!"
With that, she tosses the flares. Long before they've hit the floor, Aztar and Red Lantern both dive, and fly in circles around the floor, lighting the fluid in advance.
In desperation, Mahkent tries to save himself by assuming his form of pure ice. Alas, a portal of shadow appears near him. Obsidian rises through it, armed with an ax. With it, he hacks the icy Mahkent to pieces. He dives back into the portal before the smoke suffocates him.
Like a giant baby, the wisent wails and bugles, as he's roasted alive. Jordan should be more thankful that he's losing his hearing as he's dying. He certainly hopes the wisents in Hel and Niffelheim don't bugle this loudly...if he's not going to Valhalla... He might end up in Sessrumnir instead... Then again, maybe next summer Solomon Grundy will look good in a thong...
Aloft, Tigress removes her mask, revealing the face of Artemis Crock, the triumphant orphan. She smiles and nods, as the last of the Mahkent legacy burns away like a comet. It's a comet that the Earth is well-rid of. The rest of the JSA would surely drink to that...if only they were here now.
Below, the fires burn bright. By now, they smell just as much of ice vapor as they do of wisent fat and pemmican. Artemis doesn't care where Jordan's remains are among them. Soon they won't matter. Jordan will never be anything more than water vapor, a cloud, a raindrop, or a puddle...depending on which phase of the water cycle he's stuck in. Good god; now Artemis is starting to sound like Mr. Terrific...
Now, she lowers her voice to a whisper. "Thanks for getting me here, BTW."
Next to her, Dr. Fate appears. He removes the Helmet of Fate, revealing the Arab face of Khalid Nassour.
Alas, he seems concerned. "I don't think there was ever going to be a good time to bring this up," he mutters, "but... Listen, I... I didn't just get you here. I... I made a deal with somebody."
"Whatever issues you're having with Naboo," Artemis tries to wave him away, "I'm pretty sure it's not my concern. He should know very well that I'm no Dr. Fate material...much though I could sure use some of Thunderbolt's abdominal cosmic powers."
Khalid half-smiles. "It's phenomenal cosmic powers, and..."
"You know," Thunderbolt levitates nearby, feasting on a box of popcorn while watching Mahkent burn. "You should've let ME tell her that. Jinni jokes are my thing, after all."
"Right, sorry. Listen, Artemis..."
"Ah, don't mention it," Thunderbolt continues. "Least I can do is find loopholes in my masters' orders to exploit. No offense, of course; Jakeem's not bad. He could use some education, but then...so could I."
Khalid studies the djinn. "Do you mind?"
"Right. Sorry."
Khalid nods and gets back to Artemis. "It isn't about Naboo. It's not about Kent, either."
She scoffs. "Well then...what else is there?"
"The person who I made a deal with...is the Music Meister. He's concerned about your well-being, and the last thing he wants to see is you become more like the darker versions of your parents."
"I don't even know who that is."
"Yeah, well, that doesn't matter, because...he's kind of omniscient."
Nearby, Azter nods. "The wizard's not wrong about that."
Thunderbolt scoffs. "Tell me about it."
"Most of the Music Meister's origins are shrouded in mystery," Aztar mindlessly begins a monologue...
Thunderbolt cuts him off. "Hey! I said you could tell me about it. I didn't mean you had to explain it."
Khalid sighs. "This is getting very hard to explain, so... As much as I'd hate to crash your party, watching Mahkent burn to a vapor." He looks up at apparent nothing, and winks. "I think we're already here, Efron."
With that, Thunderbolt beams, and casts a jinni spell. Up from the flames, many Parrot-Ice cold drinks, woven from Icicle's remains, levitate. Cheeseburgers, from the flaming wisent meat, do too.
Everywhere else, the fabric of reality changes. The sun brightens. Much vanishes. Soon, a tropical beach has replaced almost everything in sight. Nearby, atop a barge, a Jimmy Buffet-esque band performs. Thunderbolt takes on a Parrot-Head guise, imitates Jimmy Buffet, and starts to perform. He and the band perform "Cheeseburger and Parrot-Ice" (which is an Icicle-themed take/parody of "Cheeseburger in Paradise.")
Near the beach, some of Pat Dugan's classic cars park themselves. They're joined by many more of Cliff Steele's classic cars. Danny the Pony Car joins them...as do car-like versions of Robotman and STRIPE. Crimson Avenger comes, too, and brings his limo. (Wing drives.) The Arrowcar comes, too. Majestic comes, flying unaided, and takes a seat in Wing's limo. Klarion the Witch Boy teleports into Wing's limo. Crazy Jane comes along aboard Danny...as do Steve Dayton, Flex Mentallo, Lucius Reynolds, Celsius, Beast Girl, Fugg, and Dorothy Spinner. Red Robin, Ben Rubel, Kyle Rayner, and Bunker come along later, aboard a party bus. Beast Boy and Bumblebee turn up, too...although they find a different hilltop to loaf atop. Beast Boy has brought his emo support pet along; a Welsh corgi named Winger. Too bad Bumblebee's already married to Guardian; she could be Beast Boy's emo support pet...
Artemis seems both overwhelmed and uncomfortable. She screams, and seems offended, when her attire vanishes, and is replaced by a revealing tiger print-patterned bikini. She shouldn't be so ashamed; she hardly looks hideous in it. Her mother wouldn't have, either. Not in the least, in fact...
Other JSA heroes have come to join in the beach-borne festivities. They're all in swimsuits. This includes the witch Zatanna Zatarra, Jakeem Williams, Thunderbolt, Mike Dugan, the tech genius Michael Holt, the dwarf Oberon, Jennie-Lynn Hayden, Khalid, Hawkgirl, the illusionist Michael Mayne, the wind witch Maxine Hunkel, the prophet Sandy Hawkins, the speedster Judy Garrick, Wonder Girl, the other speedster Jessie Chambers, and the escape artist Shilo Norman. In sync, they all start dancing to the music...
Wonder Girl bends over and starts twerking. She looks very good, while doing it... Most of the guys smile, and dance in circles around her... Good thing they don't slap her booty as she's twerking; as an amazon, she'd surely have their heads on a platter in a flash...and then Jimmy Buffet would have to write a new chorus for the song, that had to do with the severed heads of guys in rut who can't keep their hands to themselves.
Crept out and overwhelmed, Artemis attempts to make a quick getaway. Zatanna sees this, snickers, and casts a spell.
This causes Mike and Artemis to have an awkward collision. Initially, both seem overwhelmed. Artemis tries to fight him off and keep running... Alas, Zatanna casts another spell, which takes out her Achilles tendons.
Sensing this, Khalid smiles, and casts one of his own spells, which causes Artemis to levitate upright. Now, Mike embraces her...and dances with her properly. From here, Artemis doesn't resist. She seems to be having a good time...much though she wouldn't want her parents to know. Now, alas, it no longer matters. As powerful as Dr. Fate, Spectre, and Sandman all are, her parents aren't ever coming back from the dead. The League of Assassins might try to resurrect her father via the Lazarus Pits... Alas, they're going to have a hard time re-integrating his body; Icicle shattered it when he killed him.
Alas, now's not the time to think about such things. Artemis is on a beach, dancing with one of the weirdest boys from Blue Valley...who, strangely, she's learning to like more and more, as she's compelled to dance with him because of her poor injured Achilles tendons. Artemis sometimes wonders if her mother was this way with her father, back when they were still dating... Severing her mother's Achilles tendons, after all, seems like what would've been his idea of a fun courtship tactic...if only he could've fixed her Achilles tendons right after they danced...
Aloft, the Parrot-Ices still levitate. Maxine helps Zatanna and Khalid keep them airborne with her own powers...as does Hawkgirl, via her nth tech... Alas, one by one, the Parrot-Ices are lowered. They're taken by dancers below, and devoured. They taste mightily fine. One wouldn't know that the Parrot-Ices used to be fragments of Jordan's cryo-powers...
Nearby, buffet tables are conjured up; buffet tables for a Buffet concert. Everything from the song being performed appears on it; medium-rare cheeseburgers in paradise, with mustard and an onion slice; kosher pickles; cold draft beers; Heinz 57 and French-fried potatoes... Soon after, the feast is on. Those Icicle-made Parrot-Ices sure hit the spot...
Not to far from where the dancing happens, a pair of beach towels have been lain out. Atop them, Rick Tyler and Beth Chapel lie. They're both in swimsuits; Beth's in a one-piece. This might or might not be their honeymoon.
Beth wears green-colored beach goggles. It seems she can't even get away from Chuck when she's at the beach... But then, at least she's with a man who knows what a hero's life is like.
Rick left the Hourman hourglass at home. About this, Beth is half-disappointed. She, like most chicks, has always wondered what sex with the Hourman would feel like if the Hourman used his "hour of power" to empower himself while in rut... Alas, such a "sex on the beach" date will have to wait for when there isn't a Parrot-Head party going on just down the shore... At least Rick hasn't worn his Hourman cloak to the beach... But then, the beach towel his lies on is, likely, that cloak... Beth's probably lying on Dr. Mid-Nite's cape, as well...
Their cuddling, alas, is soon interrupted...by Winged Victory, the flying horse of the Shining Knight. He wanders freely around the beach. His master, Sir Justin, is nowhere to be seen. Rick should be more glad that "Sir Justin" isn't Justin Timberlake. With him at this beach party, Beth would surely be all over him.
With his great carrot-guzzling mouth, Vic messes up Rick's hair. Rick swears and tells Vic to go get his own. Surely, after all, England has more than a few pure white mares to choose from... But then, one would think that if that was the case, Shade never would've joined the ISA...let alone harassed the waitress at the diner into brewing the perfect cup of tea... (Shade wouldn't mate with an actual mare, of course; that part was purely metaphorical.)
Beth giggles, and petitions both Rick and Vic for a ride. Rick initially misunderstands this, of course...but doesn't take much longer after that to realize that she means a ride on the horse, and not...the other thing.
In circles over the beach, Winged Victory flies, with Rick and Beth aback him. Beth rides fore in the saddle; Rick rides aft. This way, Beth gets to soak up the bulk of Rick's Tyler-white arms. They're full of the paternal DNA of Rex, Rick's father/predecessor.
Once again, the beach-loving JSA dances to one last grand chorus of "Cheeseburger and Parrot-Ice." This song is from way before their time... And yet, they all know they'd be doing their predecessors proud...racist, though some of them would've been against each other...if all of their predecessors weren't white men... And to think that the comics' version of Artemis's mother was a white chick... The Prime Earth version of her seems to be, too... Artemis wouldn't mind a medium-rare prime rib, about now... Alas, one of these wisent cheeseburgers will just have to do... Or a dozen, even... God, of only her father was still alive; the two of them could have a burger-eating contest... Alas, doing the same thing with Judy, Jessie, and Wonder Girl will just have to do. Artemis just hopes that Judy and Jessie don't use their super-speed to cheat...
Up there on that hill, Pat and Cliff are surely probably having a jam... Danny would be too, no doubt, if only he could dance... Too bad he didn't bring the drag queen along; she'd be dancing, for sure... Others who've come probably dance, too... Crazy Jane assumes a dancer's persona, and dances.
Once this is all over, Artemis will be able to go to university at-peace. Her parents won't be alive to finance her... But she's very sure that one way or another, her education bills will be paid. For now, though, she will make this Parrot-Ice last as long as it can. It's her last memory of the man who orphaned her...and no matter how badly she might not want it, it's not going away anytime soon. But at least it tastes more like cherry, while going down... Plus, as it is with revenge, a Parrot-Ice is best served cold. In fact, it's only served cold.
For this Tigress, it's nothing but wild and crazy sex with male tigers from now on...or whatever it is that actual tigresses in the wild have to live for...besides litter-generating, that is to say. Artemis would certainly hate to become the dam of Klarion the Witch Boy's next Teekl...