CHAPTER 38

With Grimmauld Place being the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius told me last night that members of the Order will be arriving today. Some, apparently, feel the need to check on him and make sure he has not yet lost his mind, but others are coming to lay low while Death Eaters and corrupt employees of the Ministry of Magic hunt for them.

I enter the kitchen to find a table full of food. "Did you do this all yourself?" I ask him as I sit down. He leaves the sink and takes a seat at the table across from me.

"No, Kreacher for once decided to show up and follow orders."

"Kreacher?" Narcissa had said something about a "Kreacher" looking for Bellatrix.

"The house-elf. Not very good at his job, really. Never shows up. Refuses to do any work. A waste of space here, but I can't free him because he knows so much about the Order. He hates me because I turned my back on the Black family's ideals. Loves your mother though, that elf. Has a whole shrine devoted to her."

"That's disturbing."

"You don't have to live with him."

I'm afraid he has a point.

"Kingsley Shacklebolt will be coming by," Sirius informs me while filling his plate. "He's one of the few who feels he must look after me."

"Shacklebolt? I thought he was part of the Ministry?" I begin gathering food onto my plate as well.

A deep laughs comes from somewhere behind me, and I panic for a moment before I realize that the laugh simply could not have come from Voldemort because it was too deep and far too reassuring for that. I turn around to see the broad-shouldered, bald wizard who had been in Dumbledore's office. "Now how did you know that?" he asks. He offers me his hand. "Kingsley Shacklebolt. Call me Kingsley."

"Charlotte Rodgers," I say, shaking his outstretched hand. "I saw you in Dumbledore's office when he escaped Fudge. Fred Weasley and I were there."

He watches me curiously for a moment. "I don't remember seeing you there."

"I used the Disillusionment Charm on Fred and myself."

"You did what?" Sirius laughs. "When'd you learn to do that?"

"A few years back. I had to learn it when I was hiding from Lucius and his paid thugs."

Kingsley pulls out the chair next to mine and sits down. "You were hiding from Malfoy? Who are you, Miss Rodgers?"

"Someone who regrets being found," I say.

Kingsley appraises me closely, then turns to Sirius. "What's a Hogwarts student doing here?" He looks back at me. "Why are you not at school? Unless . . . you've run away and are hiding from someone there?"

"I left for the Easter holiday."

"How do you two know each other?"

I look over at my mother's cousin, who simply nods at me, which I take as a sign that I can trust this man, but I can't bring myself to say it. The look on my face must be very telling, for Sirius immediately takes over for me. "Charlotte is the long-lost daughter of my dear cousin Bellatrix. She was at Malfoy Manor yesterday with Voldemort. Apparently, he wants her to fill an empty spot in his Inner Circle, and who better than the child of Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange?"

Kingsley doesn't look appalled. In fact, he looks rather pleased. "And He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named trusts you?"

I shrug. "I mean, as much as he can. I'm not . . . I'm not very—what's the word?—receptive to what he wants me to do. So he doesn't fully trust me, but he wants me alive."

"That could be good for the Order." He looks to Sirius. "When's she planning to join?"

"She's underage."

"When do you turn seventeen?" Kingsley asks.

"November."

"Kingsley," Sirius says.

"I'm already in danger, so what's the problem?"

Kingsley's silent for a moment before, "It'd be wrong of us to endanger you that way."

"What if I volunteered? What if I willingly became a spy—that's what could be good for the Order about my relationship with You-Know-Who, yeah? You believe it'd beneficial to the Order for someone to be around Death Eaters and to learn ahead of time what they're trying to do. What if I volunteered?"

Sirius huffs, an annoyed expression on his face. "There's already a spy."

I narrow my eyes at him. There's already a spy? His annoyance isn't directed at me. "Then—do you not trust this spy?"

Sirius just looks at me, unwilling to comment.

"Dumbledore trusts him, and so should we," Kingsley interrupts. Sirius doesn't seem convinced in the slightest. Kingsley looks back at me. "If you're serious about wanting to join the Order—"

"I am."

"—then I will speak to Dumbledore myself."

"Speaking of Dumbledore," I say, wanting to change the subject before they think it might be better for me not to be a part of the Order, "has anyone seen him since his escape?"

Kingsley shakes his head. "I imagine he'll remain hidden until he believes the time is right."

Kingsley Shacklebolt is only at Grimmauld Place for another twenty minutes before he has to leave. Only when he's gone from the house does Sirius turn to me, his face solemn. "I trust Kingsley with my life, so he can know who you are. Others in the Order will be here at different points this week, and it's probably best that you remain hidden during their visits."

I smile. Tonks knows, so why not Sirius as well? "Or I could this." Using my Metamorphmagus abilities, I begin changing my face and hair.

"You're one too?" Sirius asks, a hint of jealousy in his voice. "How'd that gene skip over me? Do you realize the damage I could've done at Hogwarts if I could've changed my face? Snivellus would have been in trouble for everything. And more importantly, I could actually leave this bloody place and do something for the good of the Order."

"I wish I could transfer it to you," I say lightly.

He just kind of nods. "Moony—er, Remus—will make an appearance at some point this week. He's the only other one who can know who you are. For the time being, at least."

"So how did Snape get his nickname?"

Sirius chuckles to himself as he fixes a cup of coffee. "The origins of Snivellus Snape," he begins. "We—Prongs, I mean, James and I—were on the Hogwarts Express going to Hogwarts for the first time . . ."

Sirius goes on to paint a tale of him and James Potter meeting a young Severus Snape on the Hogwarts Express. Snape had simply been with his friend Lily—the very same Lily who would later marry James and give birth to Harry, I soon learn (Were they friends when she married James?)—when Sirius and James met him and immediately started taunting him. I laugh when he does and smile when it feels appropriate, but if James and Sirius were always this needlessly cruel . . . they're no better than the kids at the orphanage who tormented me. What the hell is wrong with my family?

The only kind, normal one I have met is Tonks. And Merlin, I don't know what I'll do if I find out that she is just as cruel as the rest of them. But surely she wouldn't be, right? I mean, her mother gave up her entire family to be with a Muggle-born. I doubt Andromeda would have allowed Tonks to be mindlessly cruel towards others.

I need to meet Andromeda, my mother's good sister.

By the time I crawl into the bed in the room Sirius said I could use while I'm here, I am nauseated from all the stories of the Marauders making Snape's life miserable simply because they could. James Potter and Sirius Black—more so James than Sirius, because at least Sirius had a rough life before Hogwarts and during Hogwarts due to his family—were essentially the Draco Malfoy of their time at the school. Draco, like James, came from a wealthy, respected family. He was a pureblood. He was arrogant. Just like Draco. It's a mystery how Harry turned out so differently than his father.

While trying to fall asleep, I find myself beginning to loathe James Potter despite never having met him. Surprisingly, I think I might hate him more than I hate Snape—I've been in Snape's shoes and know what that kind of torment feels like.

I pull my knees up to my chest and try to ignore this new pang of sympathy I have for that man. After all, he's still a wicked prick, and nothing can change that.

When the final day of the Easter holiday arrives, I don't want to leave because it means I'll have to go back to the manor before going back to Hogwarts, which is something I would much prefer to avoid. Preferably, I'd just stay here for a while longer. Voldemort would never be able to find me here.

With each new person that came to Grimmauld Place over this week, Sirius and I created a new persona to disguise me, and it became somewhat of a game over the past few days. We bounced random characteristics off each other with every question we were asked. And so with each new visitor, I became a new person that was developed by whatever seemed to amuse Sirius the most. He seemed to enjoy it more with each day, and I think it's because he doesn't get much entertainment since he's locked away in here.

Unfortunately, our game must come to an end because the only other visitor who will be joining us at Grimmauld Place is Lupin, and he wants me to meet Lupin as myself. We would create a persona just for him, but I told Sirius that I don't want anyone else knowing about my Metamorphmagus abilities, not even his best friend, because I might need them someday to hide, which will be easier if only a handful of people even know about that skill.

The Dark Lord already knows, Charlotte. I swallow down that thought. Maybe I didn't start showing signs until I was sent away to Alphard. Maybe he doesn't know.

He knows. Perhaps I can speak to Narcissa about it and see if she has any clue. Then I'll know whether I used the ability as an infant.

I'm banking on the Death Eaters not knowing because what will happen to me if they know? They wouldn't be able to find you anyway. They wouldn't know what you looked like. I calm slightly at this thought. Hopefully it's true, but it'd be better if they didn't know at all.

A quiet pop! a few minutes later draws our attention, and footsteps approach quietly until they come to a stop in the kitchen door. "Moony!"

"Padfoot," Lupin returns the greeting. Sirius gets up from the table and greets his friend. For whatever reason, Sirius's happiness makes me happier as well. Lupin finally notices me sitting at the table. "Who's this?"

"This is Charlotte Rodgers." Sirius puts his hand on my shoulder. "Charlotte, this is Remus Lupin."

I offer him my hand. "Sirius speaks very highly of you. It's an honor to meet you. All he's talked about this week, really, is when you'll arrive."

Lupin smiles. "He's told me about you as well. Or at least, he's told me what he'd heard from Tonks."

"Only good things, I hope."

"You're a member of the House of Black who's against Voldemort. Those are hard to come by, so he only has good things to say about them."

I smile at him but can't bring myself to speak.

Sirius leads us into the den. I trail behind the two of them as they talk in hushed tones to one another. What must it be like for Sirius to be trapped like this, not free to visit friends at his leisure? What must it be like to be locked away for his own safety?

You'll find out soon enough. I shake my head to banish that thought.

Sirius starts a fire before taking a seat in the armchair adjacent to the sofa Lupin and I claim. "You taught at Hogwarts, yeah?" I ask Lupin.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts, two years ago."

"Snape ruined that for him," Sirius growls. "Exposed Moony as a werewolf."

"I'm to blame for that as well," Lupin says reasonably. "I didn't take the Wolfsbane Potion Severus made for me." He changes the subject from Snape rather quickly. "You're in Harry's year?"

"Yeah, but I'm not a Gryffindor, I'm—"

"Wait," he says suddenly, throwing his hand up. "Let me guess." He watches me intently for a moment, sizing me up no doubt, to see what House I should be in. "Are you a Hufflepuff?"

"No, I—"

"She's a Slytherin!" Sirius almost sounds disappointed.

Lupin nods. "Andromeda Tonks was a Slytherin herself. Perhaps you're like your aunt." I certainly hope so.

Sirius raises his hand in submission. "There might be good Slytherins—they're just really hard to find." He adds with a smirk, "But it's easy to find the Slytherins who deserve to be put in their place."

"Sirius . . ." Lupin tries.

"Snivellus, for instance, was obsessed with the Dark Arts, and we couldn't have that around Hogwarts, could we, Moony?"

Lupin seems rather uncomfortable talking about torment they inflicted on Snape in their Hogwarts days. Instead of egging his friend on, he turns to me and says, "You're a part of the D.A.?"

"The only Slytherin. No surprise there, of course. Harry's a wonderful teacher."

Lupin smiles broadly. "James would be so proud to know his son is leading a rebellion against corrupt officials."

A sad silence falls after that, Sirius and Lupin looking between each other and the fire to give their deceased friend the moment of silence he deserves. No matter how terrible of a person he was at Hogwarts, he didn't deserve to die that young. No one does.

After that, the subject changes drastically from anything to do with Hogwarts or the Order of the Phoenix, but I do manage to learn that while Ted and Andromeda Tonks are not members of the Order, they're sympathizers and are willing to help when the need arises.

That was three hours ago. Since then, I had to retreat back to the room I've been staying in to pack for my departure. I've enjoyed my week here meeting the Order, but no matter how many people I meet who are against Voldemort, no matter how much they believe in Harry, nothing can stop the Dark Lord now.

Taking a deep breath, I stand to my feet. I have to be strong. I can put on a brave face while I'm here. Then I hear Lupin say, "Harry!" My head jerks to the door. Though tempted to rush downstairs to see what's happening, I hear someone walk by my door a moment later and decide it's safer to stop and let those footsteps disappear before quietly opening the door and tiptoeing down the stairs to see what's going on.

Harry's head is somehow in the fire, but Sirius and Lupin crouch down in front of him and block my view before I can get a good look. I creep closer. "I just wanted to talk about my dad."

I strain to listen closely.

Harry begins telling of a story about looking into a Pensieve during his Occlumency lesson with Snape. This perks my attention, but I quickly wish I couldn't hear.

Harry tells them about going into Snape's memories from when he was in his fifth year at Hogwarts. They were all taking their O.W.L.s and afterward went down to the Black Lake. Sirius and the other Marauders were by the beech tree when Sirius said he was bored, at which point Snape showed up. Harry describes in detail how Sirius and James Potter used a spell to hang Snape upside down then used other jinxes to torment him and to strip him. No one tried to stop them, everyone just gathering around and watching until Lily jumped in to bring it to an end. Snape called her a "Mudblood" when she did so, and that's the end of what I listen to.

Sirius never told me this particular story. The Marauders' time at Hogwarts was even worse than what Sirius has led me to believe, and my heart actually aches at the thought of what they did to Snape. My family is worse than I believed. Even the good people in the House of Black are not truly that good. Where does that leave me?

Sirius's loud "He WHAT?" pulls my attention back to their conversation.

"Are you serious, Harry?" Lupin asks. "He's stopped giving you lessons?"

Joy leaps in me despite the pain I feel for Snape right now. If he is no longer giving Harry lessons, assuming Harry means Occlumency lessons, he might be able to teach me. I won't have to worry about those kisses between me and Fred anymore, about this week I've spent here, or about Voldemort finding out about anything that I don't want him to. I won't have to worry that the people I care for will be punished because of me. I hop up and start making my way back upstairs.

"Is that Kreacher coming downstairs?" Harry asks. My heart stops.

Sirius glances over his shoulder, but I'm hidden in the shadows far enough that he can't see me. "No, it must be somebody on your end . . ."

"I'd better go!"

And I leave on that cue as well, back to my room to finish packing for my return to Hogwarts.

Less than an hour later, heavy-hearted for a number of reasons, I shake hands with both Sirius and Lupin, then leave.

I don't go to the platform to get on the Hogwarts Express. Instead, fearing what might happen if Bellatrix or Narcissa do not see me again, I decide it might be best to make an appearance at Malfoy Manor, so I Apparate and come to a stop in the drawing room of the manor.

I've just left the room and started down the hallway when a spell grabs me and pulls me off my feet then slams me onto my back. I bite my cheek, the taste of blood readily filling my mouth. Something lifts me onto my feet, and a hand has grabbed me by the front of the robes and shoved me against the wall before I even know what's happening. Bellatrix presses her wand into my cheek. "Where have you been?"

"I—I don't know—I—there was a charm protecting it, I—"

"The Dark Lord forbade you from leaving."

"I know, I'm sorry if any of you were punished, but I meant to come back," I say, unable to look her in the eye.

"Lies."

"No," I say, forcing myself to meet her gaze. "No, I'm not lying." My lip starts quivering. "I just—I was going to come back, but you made—you made me breakfast, and it-it-it freaked me out, and I had to get out of here before—" Before I started wanting to make breakfast in the mornings with her, before I got attached to the idea of a mother I could bond with.

I reach up and cover her hand—the one gripping my robes—with mine, then pull it away from me. And she lets me. This is the first time I've ever willingly touched her, and she looks just as confused as I feel. "I came back," I say, covering her hand with both of mine, "so that none of you would be punished for not knowing if I made it to Hogwarts." My throat tightens, and I try to force down the lump forming there. Get out of here now.

Suddenly, she jerks her hand away from me, a question on her face as she looks down at her hand as if she's unused to seeing it, as if it was just burned, and for a moment I want her to hug me and kiss my cheek and send me off to school as normal mothers do. But that can't be, for obvious reasons.

"I—I need to leave. I have a train to catch."

She watches me for a short moment, and though it looks as if she wants to say something, she keeps quiet. I give her a second longer to see what she'll do, but when she still does nothing, I Apparate away from her. As I disappear from the manor, I see her once more look down at her hand, now clenched into a fist, as if it's a foreign object to her.

I know no one at the platform, so I waste no time climbing onto the train and finding a compartment—the same one I was in just a few days ago when I left Hogwarts. I store my bag and sit down, once again throwing my feet up on the bench and leaning against the window. Just a few minutes later, the compartment door opens, and in walks Zoe. "I was hoping to find you in here," she says.

A smile immediately comes to my lips. "How was your holiday?"

She flops down onto the bench across from me. "Fantastic, really. Yours?"

I shrug. "It could've been better. My mother made an appearance, which she'll do every now and then."

"Merlin, how bad was that?"

"You've no idea. But, I mean, she made me breakfast one morning, so that's more than I expected."

"And your aunt?"

"Kinder than usual. I think she's finally warming up to me."

"It only took her—what?—fifteen, sixteen years?"

I sigh. "Yeah, pretty much. But I'll take what I can get with those people."

She looks at me sadly. "And you can't move out until you come of age, can you?" I nod. "And that would be . . .?"

"November. I won't need them as legal guardians then."

Zoe looks at me for a moment, a pleased expression on her face. Then, "Do you know where you'll go after that?"

"Not a clue."

"I can help you find a place," she offers. "I mean, I know a few tricks of the trade."

Zoe Accrington is one of my new favorite people. "I'd love that. So where in London d'you live now?"

"Number three Grimmauld Place."

I choke on my own breath. "I'm sorry, what?"

"That's where my parents and I lived. You've heard of it?"

"My cousin lives over there."

"It's a nice place. Are you close to your cousin?"

I shake my head. "Not really. I just recently met him."

We refrain from speaking of our families for the rest of the ride back to Hogwarts, something I'm grateful for because, though I don't know why, lying to her feels terrible.