Ldub: Thanks for reviewing! Also, thanks for pointing out the error, I fixed it! I'm glad you liked the part at the end with the three of them.

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CHAPTER 47

When I get to Malfoy Manor, I retreat to the guest room, but the room is not as empty as I thought it would be, as I hoped it would be. Bellatrix sits at the foot of the bed, picking at the sheets, her legs crossed elegantly in a way that irritates me because it's like she's trying to belittle me with just her posture. She looks up at me, her eyes hardening. "Well," she says, her voice cold and intimidating, "you managed to manipulate Cissy into setting you free."

Her tone almost hurts more than I thought it would, and that doesn't make sense to me but whatever. "What else did you expect? That I would just stay down there until someone could punish me? Until you could come back and Cruciate me? I'm sorry you missed out on the opportunity to torture me again, but I'm sure you'll find many more chances to do so."

Something flickers in her eyes, but it disappears almost immediately. In a swift motion, she stands up, comes toward me, puts her hand on my neck, and shoves me against the wall. Her eyes wander over my face fiercely, intimidatingly.

All I've ever wanted is a mother, and here she is, close enough for me to touch and see and speak to, but she hates me. For reasons I have no control over. Tears—real tears this time—spring up in my eyes despite my effort to stop them. She's not worth it. "What will happen to me since I escaped and went back to Hogwarts?"

"The Dark Lord doesn't know you were here." Then she leans in really closely, her face so close to mine that our noses are almost touching. "And it will stay that way."

"Are you afraid you might be punished for failing to detain me?"

"Cissy will not face punishment because of you. Understood?"

I watch her for a moment. What's the difference between Narcissa and me? Why does my mother care so much about her and not about me? Bellatrix grows impatient with my silence and tightens her hold on my neck. "Understood?"

"Un-understood."

"You will tell no one you were here."

I nod at her and swallow thickly, my lip quivering slightly. I need to get away from her. I can't stomach the thought of her still hating me, even though she just killed Sirius and I hate her for that. For reasons I can't really explain, I want her not to hate me. I almost want that more than anything.

She releases me and steps away, and that's when I realize that this might be my only chance to speak with her without others around to hear me. We don't have any sort of rapport like Snape and I do, so I don't care what she thinks of me. Besides, she might be the only person in my life who can actually help me. "Wait," I say as she reaches for the door handle. She grabs it anyway and yanks the door open. "Wait, please wait."

Bellatrix doesn't turn to look at me, but neither does she leave the room. It's like she's debating which will win out: her hatred for me versus the fact that I'm important to the Dark Lord and I'm asking for help. Finally she makes a decision and closes the door, then turns to look at me. Though her jaw is set firmly and the expression on her face looks frustrated, her eyes are not as hard and angry as they were earlier. She crosses her arms over her chest.

"I'm going to ask you something that I know—it might offend you, but that's my intention," I say. She sighs but doesn't try to stop me from talking. "I—I was just wondering—" I clear my throat awkwardly. "Is there—is there a history of—of mental illness in our family?"

Her face becomes angry, and she scoffs as she moves for the door again to leave. I step in front of her and put one hand on the doorknob to keep her from grabbing it and put the other hand on her shoulder to keep her away from the door altogether. "Please. Please, you're my mother, and I-I-I-I'm scared. I'm so scared, please. You're the only one—you're the only one who can help me. Please."

Bellatrix swats my hand off her shoulder and crosses her arms again. "Explain yourself."

I take a shaky breath, tears in my eyes again. "Did—did you ever do anything—I do things sometimes, but I'm not in control." She just watches me, so I push forward and elaborate. "When I was ten—"

"This isn't a pressing, current issue?" she asks, her eyes annoyed. "I don't have time—"

"It is. It is, I promise. Please." She nods once. "When I was ten, a man killed someone I cared about, and in turn I stabbed him to death, but I wasn't in control." She uncrosses her arms. "Just the other day I—someone I cared about was hurt, and I attacked the woman who hurt her. I—I Cruciated her, Bellatrix. And I wasn't in control. It was like—like my emotions took control of me and—I couldn't stop it. I wanted to, but I couldn't! Something's wrong with me, and I don't know what, and I was hoping—I was hoping—" I just kind of motion at her.

Her eyes wander over me for a long while before she clears her throat and says, "From what the Dark Lord and I have gathered about your time at the orphanage and your time on the run—"

"How did you possibly find someone who knows about my time at the orphanage?"

She ignores my question. "You've experienced trauma. Your father's brother lost control at times due to some things he experienced in his youth."

"Did he get through it?"

"He learnt to control his emotions and thoughts at all times, and in turn he was able to stay in control even when his emotions were running high or fluctuating dangerously."

"How?" I breathe.

"Occlumency." She frowns at me and looks as if she doesn't want to continue. "The process of learning it taught him enough that he was able to stay in control." She looks to the door for a short moment, then says, "I can speak to the Dark Lord and ask if I would be permitted to teach you."

Bellatrix teaching me Occlumency and learning all about my past and my current friendships at Hogwarts? Learning about the Golden Trio? Zoe? Fred? No, I'd almost rather die than allow that. "No, that's not—that's not necessary. I just wanted to know if this was—if I'm okay." My lip quivers embarrassingly, and I step away from the door. "I'll learn to deal with it on my own, thanks."

Her brow furrows, and her eyes wander over my face for a brief moment. Then she steps around me and goes to leave, but she stops in the doorway and turns to me. She decides not to say whatever she had planned, instead closing the door behind her and leaving me there. I stare at the door for a long moment, not entirely sure if I'm comfortable being in the same house as her.

Yesterday and last night I stayed hidden away in my guest room, refusing to speak with anyone about anything. No one bothered me or attempted to find me, and now as I ready myself for the new day, I know that I'm still not going to go out of my way to see any of them. I thought about going downstairs and getting breakfast with Bellatrix again or whatever like I did over Easter, but I decided it's best not to. I need to stay as far away from her as possible.

Though she's hurt me in the past, I'm still tempted to try to get her to like me, and so I need to get out of this manor before I find myself actually trying to do that.

With that in mind, I call for Cosmo and have him bring me some breakfast. I sit on the foot of the bed and eat as quickly as I can—it's just toast and eggs and orange juice, but it's amazing because I'm absolutely starving. Once I've emptied the plate, I call Cosmo back and give it to him, then Apparate away from the manor once he's gone.

I come to a stop in Diagon Alley, but I don't go to Fred and George's shop. It's still early in the day, and I don't want to distract them just yet. So instead I just start walking down the alley, unsure what I'm doing but happy to feel so free now that I'm away from Bellatrix and the manor and Hogwarts and even Snape. It's like I was never caught, except now I can't just disappear altogether like I once would. Now there are people I care about that I would be incapable of leaving behind.

Getting attached to people is the worst thing in the world, and I hate that I've allowed myself to do this. After Mrs. Stoico and her horrid death, you'd think I'd be able to leave people behind altogether instead of falling into the trap of caring about others. I'd be better off alone.

A beautiful blonde-haired woman comes out of Twilfitt and Tattings and stops when she sees me, her face dropping in a way that sends a chill down my spine. She moves as if to come closer to me, but she must realize the confused look on my face because she stops, takes a breath, covers her mouth as she begins to cry, wipes her eyes, and Disapparates. Who the hell was that? Do I know her?

No, I've never seen her before in my life. She must have me confused for someone else. Or did she? asks a voice in the back of my mind.

No, I would know if I had offended someone so badly that she would make that face at me, that she would begin to cry t just the sight of me. I would know if I had done something to her. Or maybe you hurt someone she knew?

That's possible, of course, because I've hurt a few people, but I think she would have attacked me had I hurt someone she loved.

Feeling slightly uncomfortable with what's just happened, I turn back around and start making my way to Fred and George's shop despite the early hour. I step into the large joke shop, a swarm of people already there and clogging the aisles. There are two levels of products being sold, but there is no ceiling on the first floor, so it's spacious. I search the first floor until I see Fred near the register. Smiling, I make my way around the shoppers until I'm close enough to him that I can call out his name without drawing the attention of everyone in the store.

He turns and grins. "Charlotte!"

"The shop's great!" I say before giving him a quick kiss.

"You haven't seen anything yet!"

He takes me by the hand and parades me around the shop, letting me see all of the products the two of them are selling. We don't discuss where I'm staying or when my "parents" will be collecting me from the manor. I try to stay away from those types of topics because I need to keep my mind off of all of that and I don't want to lie to him more than I have to.

Fred's wonderful at keeping my mind off of everything I want to avoid.

I stay there the rest of the day with Fred and George, directing customers to the areas of the shop where they can find what they're looking for. Though they invite me to go to dinner with them—Mrs. Weasley cooked, and it sounds amazing, but I can't go because I've been away all day and don't want to risk getting punished—I have to decline and go back to the manor.

Cosmo once again brings me my meal, and I remain hiding in my room while I eat it.

For the first few days of my summer holiday, this is what I do, and it goes pretty well. I only stay at Malfoy Manor late at night and early in the morning. I eat all of my meals in the guest room and hardly make appearances unless I need to. Draco stops by before I go to bed, likely on the orders of Bellatrix or Narcissa, probably Narcissa, to ensure that I'm alive. But we don't really speak. He nods at me, then closes the door and leaves.

The less time I spend in the manor, the less chance I have of running into Bellatrix and starting a fight—or worse, crying in front of her and begging her to love me because she's my mother and she doesn't care about me like I always hoped my mother would. And it works for a short while. My plan actually works.

At least, it works until late one night after dinner when a soft knock comes at my door, followed by an annoyed huff and the door opening before I even have a chance to respond. Bellatrix pushes past Narcissa and enters the room. "I'm alive. You don't have to worry about me," I say to them.

Bellatrix glances away from me.

"Charlotte," Narcissa says, approaching me as if approaching a wild animal, "we haven't worried too much about where you've been going because you keep coming back, and I believe you know the consequences should you fail to return."

"Yep, that's exactly why I keep coming back. I haven't caused any issues or—"

"We've come to let you know about some changes that will be happening soon," Narcissa says. Bellatrix crosses her arms and leans against the wall as if trying to stay as far away from me as possible.

"Changes?"

"You can no longer leave the manor."

My breath escapes me. This can't be happening again. "You're…you're going to lock me up here?"

"Yes," Bellatrix says. "And—"

"Why? What have I done wrong? I come back, I—"

"You can hand over your wand now, or—"

"Wait, why are you taking my wand?"

"The Dark Lord will be arriving tomorrow, and you will not be allowed to leave as you have been," Narcissa says.

"It's better if she's not here," Bellatrix says quietly. It seems like that kindness of offering to get permission to teach me Occlumency has run out rather quickly. "She resists serving the Dark Lord, which means any time she spends here could be used to get information that—"

"Bella," Narcissa says. Then she turns her attention back to me. "We will return your wand to you when you leave for Hogwarts again, but—"

I hop off the bed. "What? That's ridiculous. I'm not giving up my wand for months!"

Bellatrix almost smirks. "You're going to argue? You think we won't be able to take it from you?"

"Why can't you give it back to me when he leaves?"

"He won't be leaving," Bellatrix says, looking far too pleased with this statement. "He'll be staying here at the manor."

"For how long?"

"As long as he wishes." My mother comes toward me, and I step back but am unable to go any farther back than the bed. "Now you may give me your wand, or I can take it from you by force."

I swallow down the terror rising in my chest. "Wait, please wait. Why does he want you to take my wand? Did he say that you had to take it? Why can't I keep it? You can make it impossible for me to leave, just don't take my wand."

Narcissa puts her hand on Bellatrix's shoulder.

"The Dark Lord wants you under our control," my mother says. "That means we take your wand."

"So he never said you had to take it? You're just doing this maliciously?"

Bellatrix holds out her hand. "Give me the wand."

"Are you going to Cruciate me if I don't?"

"It's an option."

"Bella!"

"Give me the wand." I actually fear what she might do to me, so I reach into my pocket and hand over my wand. "Good. We'll send one of the elves to collect you for breakfast."

So they want me to be obedient and pleasant. They want to control my life, my comings and goings.

They leave without another word, and I collapse onto the bed, then crawl backward to the headboard and curl up to go to sleep. As much as I hated being here before, at least I knew that I could leave whenever I so pleased. Now they've stripped me of my wand and essentially locked me away as I always feared would happen. It's finally come true—they've locked me up. You're not in the dungeon, so be grateful.

I might not be in the dungeon, but I am in so much danger now. The Dark Lord will be arriving to stay here, and I'm gonna be trapped here with him for months. I'll be at his mercy until he decides to do whatever he wants to me.

For a moment I wonder what would happen if I went down to Bellatrix's room and cried for mercy. Would she be kind, or would she hurt me? She would hurt me. It doesn't matter that she sometimes seems sad when she sees me or when we're talking. None of that matters, because I'm still a pest to her, someone who should've stayed dead like I was supposed to be.

At some point I fall asleep.

As Bellatrix said, Cosmo wakes me and tells me to go down to the kitchen for breakfast, and I regretfully go, but I do not speak when I get there. I sit on the far side of the table from them and eat in silence. Bellatrix doesn't seem to care, but Draco looks like he wants to talk with me. I ignore all of them.

After breakfast I go back to my room and lie back down, trying to find some kind of escape route. Unfortunately I find one—it's just one that I don't want to deal with right now.

Draco comes in shortly after lunch, which I ate in silence as well. "The Dark Lord has arrived. He's not asking for you, but I thought you should know."

"Thanks." I turn my back to him. "Close the door when you leave."

The door closes loudly.

I need to escape this place.

Sleeping here, with these Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort himself, is too dangerous. Just being here in general is too dangerous. I can't do this. I could so easily let something slip, and what if they decide to start monitoring me more closely? I can't risk that—I'll lose my temper and say things that I shouldn't, reveal things that I need to keep to myself. I can't stay in a place with both Bellatrix and Lord Voldemort.

So, my fifth day at Malfoy Manor, the day after Voldemort arrived, I make my way out of my borrowed room to look for him, completely horrified at the thought of seeking him out but aware that this is probably my only way to get away from him and my mother and possibly even get my life back. Because that's what this is really about—I don't want to be locked up just yet, and I can only think of one way to change this.

As I make my way down the stairs I see Narcissa turn the corner, and I speed up to catch her. "Where's the Dark Lord?" I ask as I get close enough to touch her elbow to get her attention.

"Why do you need to know?"

"Would you like for me to tell him that you kept me from him?"

"He's right through here," she says, pointing to a sitting room. I nod and start that way, but she grabs my arm. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to ask a favor," I say, winking at her, trying to ignore the roiling in my stomach. But apparently she does not find me amusing, for she frowns. I can feel her watching me as I head toward the sitting room, but she doesn't try to stop me or follow me.

"My Lord?" I call from the entrance.

"Charlotte," he says in that cold voice of his, "come in."

I obey. "My Lord," I say with a slight bow.

"Have a seat."

Trembling slightly, I lower myself into the armchair beside him. "Thank—thank you, my Lord."

He turns his head toward me. "You still fear me."

"No, my Lord. Just—just intimidated. You—you came back from the dead and have—have power beyond—anything I've ever seen."

"You flatter me, dear one, but you lie. You fear me."

Suddenly I hear Bellatrix's voice in the back of my mind: "The Dark Lord wants you under our control." He knows I'm afraid, and he knows the term "dear one" makes me uncomfortable—surely he must have seen it on my face and body language the first time he said it to me.

Why does he call you that? a voice asks me. To make you uncomfortable. You can't stop it lest you face punishment for being disrespectful.

You want to control your thoughts and emotions so you won't lose control of yourself like you did with Umbridge, but you've lost control of everything in your life—including what people call you—so how can you imagine that you'll be able to control anything anymore?

"I'm—I'm trying not to, my Lord, but…"

He watches me closely for a moment. "I will not harm you." Yes, he will. "You are vital to my plans. I will keep you safe."

He'll hurt you whenever he gets a chance. You've already witnessed it once. "I believe you," I whisper.

"No, you don't. But we'll change that in time."

I swallow the fear rising in my throat. "I mean—I mean no disrespect, my Lord."

"Why did you seek me out? You did so good of a job avoiding me yesterday."

"I'm scared," I confess.

"You need not fear me."

I nod, trying to gather enough courage to ask him what I want to—need to. "Yes, my Lord. I understand that, but…I struggle. I'm trying to get over it." I look down at my shaking hands. "I'm just so nervous."

He looks over at me. "Why did seek me out?"

"I…I wanted to ask…"

"All you need to do is ask, dear one."

I shudder at his endearment but don't say anything to him about it. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I'm this afraid of him. I look him in his red eyes and brace myself for whatever reaction he might have. But I know that I cannot stay here with them, so I have no choice but to try to get out of here. And I can only do that with his permission. I have to get out of here.

Thanks for reading! This is the end of Part 1. It should only take a minute before I get the first few chapters of of Part 2 ready to post!