Summary: An angsty continuation to "Why I Became an Atheist" by RaydiantWon on Reddit; narrated on YouTube by The Dark Somnium.
Tags: m/m; body dysphoria; past bodily mutilation; cheating/adultery; warped feelings; past trauma; no actual smut; stolen kisses; confessions; partners probably should be more upset than they are about it; mixed signals; suggestion of suicide
Author's Note: The original story was written from first person and, since I don't like writing that way, I rolled a dice and landed on 'Stephen' as the name I will give to the OP in this story. I would highly suggest giving the original a read or listen, this is just the ending my brain supplied after I heard it for the first time.
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Stephen walked the dark streets back to his dorm room. He had had a lazy night planned with Amy, but she had called for a raincheck just as he'd gotten to her door. Her mother had wound up in the hospital after a bender, and she had been listed as her emergency contact. She had been furious at the woman, for trying to manipulate her back to her side. They had tried to watch a movie, but Amy was just too irritated to focus.
She had kissed him warmly and apologized, but she needed to be alone. She always did when she was angry. Stephen was convinced it was because she was terrified that he might start seeing her the same way she saw her abusive mother. He had kissed her cheek and offered a quick hug, reminding her thay he was only a call away if she wanted him to come back.
She had smiled, her temper abated and on the verge of letting him stay, but another call from the hospital set her right back into it.
The point was, he had been supposed to be out for the night, but came back early. Which is how he now found himself face to face with a ghost from the past. Rick had been talking about the shy boy he'd been seeing for a few months now. Apparently, he'd planned a night for the two of them, but that too now lay in ruins.
Stephen had frozen in the hallway when the two had stood up from the couch, embarrassed at having been caught stealing soft kisses. He'd almost apologized but then Rick had stood, though his worry as to Stephen's return fell on deaf ears.
Wide, terrified eyes started back at him, like a nightmare come to life. Stephen jerkily stepped closer and the young man shot off the couch, backing away in fright. He was shaking so hard, on the verge of what looked like a panic attack and muttering "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'll leave. God, I'm so sorry."
He tried to run but Stephan caught the man's wrist tightly in his own, stopping his escape "Brad?" He choked softly "Why are you? How?"
"I didn't know." Brad sobbed shakily, tears were streaming down his face and he shrunk away from Stephan as much as he could. He looked so scared "Please, let me go."
"Stephen?" Rick asked, confusion and worry colouring his tone "What's going on?"
Brad whimpered, breathing heavy and panicked "I'm sorry, Rick. It isn't going to work out..." His eyes never left Stephen... he was so scared "I'm sorry."
"Wait." Stephen demanded, though he was still too much in shock to make the word much louder than a murmur "Are you still... a Follower?"
"No." Brad whispered, shaking his head vehemently, his eyes all but begged the man holding him captive to believe him "I'm sorry... I'll go. You'll never see me again... I'm sorry." He whimpered, tugging at his arm but Stephen couldn't let him go.
He shifted his hold on his old friend and pulled the terrified man into his arms proper, holding onto him for what felt like dear life "Please don't go." He choked, a thousand emotions welling up out of him with the confession and he couldn't help but clutch at Brad tightly. He felt so small in his arms but it didn't matter... he was here "I've missed you so much." Brad tensed tight as a spring, disbelieving that what he's heard was actually what Stephen had said. He hadn't stopped shaking, and his breathing was still so shallow, it was frankly a miracle he hadn't passed out yet.
Stephen pulled back just enough to look down at his old friend. There was a time he'd been the shorter of the two, but it seemed time had been kinder to him. Brad wasn't looking at him, too thin arms stuck between them like a shield and his hands clutched at each other so tightly, his knickles were deathly pale. Stephan slowly leaned his forehead against Brad's, tightened one arm around the man's waist so he couldn't run, and let the other begin slowly rubbing up and down Brad's back "Please, stay." He whispered softly, exploringly "Brad... please don't go."
They stood like that a long while, the tension in the air so thick, a pin might shatter it. Instead, it was a ragged breath Brad finally took in "Are you sure?" He asked shakily.
Stephen nodded, the movement transferring between them "I am."
"Well..." Rick hummed "I think we could all use a drink."
Stephen hated to admit that he had entirely forgotten about his best friend, and found his cheeks heating at the realization that he had practically assaulted his boyfriend. He stepped back quickly, and Brad swayed unsteadily on his feet. He didn't even hesitate to step back in to the embrace "Yeah." Stephen nodded, turning just his head to look thankfully at his friend "Make it a stiff one."
By the time Stephen had caught his best friend up on his childhood, and how he'd finally been forced out of the cult because he wouldn't kill his own dog, Rick looked about ready to go rip people apart "That is so fucked up, man!" He hissed out through gritted teeth, before downing what was left of his drink and pouring each of them another "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I haven't told anyone." Stephen admitted, still clutching at Brad's hand. He'd been unable to let go, least the man vanish before his eyes "Except for Amy. Not even my aunt and uncle know."
"That's rough." Rick sighed before his eyes drifted over to Brad. The man had said nothing the entire time Stephen had been telling the tale "So, were you trying to recruit me or something?"
Brad jerked back at the accusation, but shook his head quickly "No, I... I left the Following almost a year after..." He glanced at Stephen but quickly averted his eyes back down to his glass "I mean, I tried too... They dragged me back and... well... I got out in the end. I swear, I didn't know Stephen was even at this university, let alone that you were roommates." A light blush touched the man's cheeks and he shifted awkwardly "No one had ever... I mean... you are beautiful and..." His cheeks darkened "You were nice to me so... I kind of fell for you?"
"I should hope so." Rick chuckled, the former anger in his tone reverted to calm affection at the man's confession "I am your boyfriend after all. It'd be a little odd if you didn't at least like me, right?"
Brad couldn't help the small smile, and he managed to lift his head just enough for both the friends to see it "I do... a lot."
After they had polished off half a bottle between them, Stephen sent Amy a message about what had happened. She replied almost immediately, asking is she should come over. He would have gone to her, but he was terrified to let Brad out of his sight. He told her to get some sleep and he'd see her tomorrow.
Two Years Later
Stephen and Amy had decided to combine their bachelor parties into one giant shindig, and it had gone over wonderfully. Rick had gone above and beyond as the best man, and hired out a lake side cabin for the whole weekend. The four had got there to set up the day before, and festivities had started, even before the first guests showed up. The alcohol had been kept to a minimum, but everyone, including Stephen, had gone to bed only slightly tipsy and unbelievably happy.
It was some time in the early hours of the morning, that he unwrapped himself from his beautiful fiancé, to answer the call of nature. After, he roamed quietly through the house to grab a glass of water. That was when the moonlight illuminated a figure on the dock and he forgot about his drink in favour of investigating.
He slipped on Rick's jacket from the coat hooks by the door, and his own boots, before making his way out into the cool spring morning. The person turned when they heard him coming, and Stephen offered a confused smile when he saw who it was "Brad? What are you doing up so early?" He asked cheerfully.
"I could ask you the same." The man smiled somewhat tensely in return "Shouldn't you be in bed with your fiancé?"
"There was a suspicious person hanging around our dock." The taller man chuckled, walking up to stand behind where his friend had perched himself on the edge, legs hanging over the dark water "I came to investigate."
"And if I'd actually have been a dangerous mad man?" Brad chuckled worriedly "You didn't even bring anything to defend yourself." Stephen laughed and lowered himself to take a seat beside his friend.
Together, they sat in silence and watched the soft clouds move across the sky, listened to the water gently lapping at the shore and the sound of the nocturnal wildlife going about their morning. At some point, Brad shivered and Stephen opened his borrowed jacket before tugging his friend close.
"If you have a red nose at the wedding, Rick's never going to let you forget it." Stephen chuckled, rubbing his hands over Brad's arms.
"I... can't come to the wedding." Brad whispered, and Stephen froze.
"What?" He asked just as softly, sadness and worry tightening his chest "Why not?"
Brad tried to pull away but Stephen held on, tightening his arms around his friend "Please, Steph." Brad murmured softly "This has been hard enough... I can't keep pretending it isn't... That I'm not a terrible person for it."
Stephen finally turned his gaze back to the water when Brad wouldn't look at him. Goosebumps raised on his skin when he felt Brad's fingers on his arm, tentatively, tenderly settling over the scars there. He shivered at the touch "If you think you don't deserve to be there... you're wrong." He told his friend quietly "What happened... it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped it any more than me."
"I know." Brad admitted softly, sadly "But I should have still tried. I was just so... mad at you. And then I was scared..." Stephen frowned, but Brad moved before he could speak, leaning down to shakily press the softest of kisses to the scars "I'm sorry I couldn't save Bear for you." He whispered, and Stephen felt tears fall onto his arm "I'm sorry I didn't protect you from them... I'm..."
Stephen didn't say anything. In the two years since they'd come clean to Rick, Brad hadn't talked about his time in the cult at all. Talking to Amy had helped him so much... If he could be that for his friend when he needed him...
"I'm sorry I can't stop loving you."
Stephen held his friend gentler when the man began shaking, trying and failing to hold back the grief rolling through him "I never blamed you, Brad." He told him softly "But if it will help, I forgive you."
The chuckle that escaped Brad was choked and sad "You shouldn't. Back then, on your birthday, I was so angry at you. I... I mutilated myself for you and you couldn't even kill a mutt to stay with me... is what I thought at the time. And then you broke down and I realized I'd been lying to myself. I hadn't done it for god. I'd done it because I was so scared I'd... infect you with my sin. That I'd somehow damage you. It's so stupid in hind sight, but then they started carving you up and I froze." He was outright sobbing now, but Stephen just listened, what else could he do. He had been scared too "I became terrified that, if I did anything, they'd make me redo my ceremony... That they'd ask me to do to you, what they told you to do to Bear." The man was shaking so hard, reliving that night, Stephen could only hold him tighter and whisper soft acceptance to him.
They sat like that for nearly half an hour before Brad had cried himself into near exhaustion, and his breathing evened out again, even though his voice was still rough as he forced out the rest of his confession "I really didn't know about you and Rick... but then you said you missed me... and you held me like this and I... I know I've never had a chance with you... but it isn't fair to keep pretending I don't still have feelings for you." Brad pulled away as much as Stephen would allow and wiped slowly at his cheeks. He sniffed and kept his gaze out over the water "Rick deserves better than me." He murmured, his words heartbreaking but he truly believed them "I thought it would be enough... to see you happy. But it kills me every time I see you with her." He wiped at his eyes again but the tears still fell, even as he huffed "I don't get it. He loves me, despite my lack of... being whole. With all my shit and trauma and baggage. He makes me so unbelievably happy... and yet I just can't stop myself from wanting you instead." He looked down into the dark water below them, even began leaning forward ever so slightly, but Stephen's arms stopped him "Maybe I am just a selfish sinner." He murmured softly "One the world would be better off without."
"Not my world." Stephen told him slowly, pulling the man back enough from the edge so his bare feet no longer touched the water "I'm so sorry you've been carrying this burden alone."
That finally managed to get Brad to look at him again, an eyebrow arched condescendingly despite his puffy eyes "You should be angry at me." The smaller man muttered "I just told you I'm still in love with you, the day before your wedding... what's wrong with you?"
Stephen smiled gently at his friend and kept one arm tight around hus waist while he used the sleeve of the jacket to wipe the man's nose for him "I know it's not the same but I love you too, Brad." He told his friend warmly, shimmying the sleeve down again so he could cup the man's cheek. He wasn't going to let him hide from this "Since you came back into my life, I've thanked god every day for letting me have you again."
Brad looked skeptical "But you're an atheist?"
"I don't get it either." Stephen chuckled softly "It just felt like the right thing to do." As the sunrise gently crest the mountains beyond the lake, Stephen brushed the fringe from Brad's face - with a tenderness he didn't even reserve for Amy "He wouldn't have brought us back together if we couldn't get through this." He told his friend softly "God, cosmic coincidence, or whatever the hell is out there... it brought you back to me. So maybe I'm a selfish sinner too, but I'm never letting you go again."
"You can't say things like that to me." Brad shivered, reaching up hesitantly to touch Stephen's hand over his cheek "And you can't keep holding me like this... it's giving my stupid heart mixed signals. If I stay, you need to stop."
Stephen nodded and then smiled "Just one more thing before I do." He hummed, and leaned forward to press their lips together.
The kiss was sweet, sweeter than anything, and full of tender love and care. It lingered longer than it had any right too, but it was perfect for them. When they finally broke apart, it was with the gentlest of farewell pecks. Stephen kept his friend close, and leaned his head on Brad's shoulder so they could watch the sunrise.
From the porch above, Rick and Amy watched their other halves down below. The woman sipped on her steaming coffee, while the man rested his elbows on the banister and stirred his own slowly.
"We're probably bad people for keeping them apart, huh?" Rick hummed softly.
"Probably." Amy huffed and lowered her mug "But I'm possessive, and I'm not giving mine up. Are you? Prepared to let your man go because they have shared trauma?"
Rick scoffed, and lifted his own mug to his lips "Hell, no." He took a sip before he smirked at her challengingly over the rim "Though, since they got a kiss in before the big day, maybe we should t..."
He didn't get to finish before the woman glared at him, and turned on her heals to make her way back inside. Rick laughed and caught her, apologizing for the joke genuinely, and she settled easily enough.
Together, they watched their boys watch the sun rise on the new day, standing guard over them, so they could have all the time they needed to begin to heal.
End
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Author's Note
Very different to my usual nonsense, but I hope you liked it, darling.
Until the next bout of inspiration
Anne Hunter