CHAPTER 23

That next morning, I make my way to Snape's office with a heavy heart. Despite how excited the prospect of Conjuration lessons made me and how it seemed that nothing could tear that down, he did—by watching me fail repeatedly at Occlumency last night and not leaving the memories that I told him to. I don't want to try again this morning—I don't want to see him or spend time with him at all—but I know I have no choice because this is the only way to protect myself from Voldemort.

But the fact that this is the only way does nothing to alleviate my sour mood as I come to a stop in front of his office. For a brief moment, I debate turning around and leaving and accepting my failure, if only to not have to face him today, but that makes me feel even more frustrated and angry because why should I have to be a failure because he was being a dick? So I decide against it and knock on Snape's office door.

"Enter." He waits patiently for me to take the seat across from his desk. We watch each other silently for a few short breaths, a time during which he can surely see the barely contained rage behind my eyes, before he says, "Our last lesson did not go as well as I had hoped. I'm not even sure you truly attempted to rid me from your—"

"Like I wanted you to see my memories? To see private, embarrassing details of my life?" I ask, doing my best to tamper down the bite in my tone but failing pathetically. "Is that what you're suggesting? Because I could have lived a thousand lifetimes and been fine without you prying into my mind and invading the memories that are mine and mine alone."

"And how else do you expect to join the Order?" His tone is mocking, and all it does is make me angrier about this whole situation.

"I don't know."

I hear him shift in his chair but do not look back up at him. "Do you still want to join the Order?"

I cover my face with my hands and put my elbows on my knees. "Of course I want to join the Order."

He remains quiet.

"I just . . . I don't know if I can."

"Three poor lessons—"

"Three abysmal lessons," I correct, forcing myself to sit up and look at him, my frustration and anger morphing into disappointment and humiliation.

The corner of his lip turns up in an almost smile. "Three abysmal lessons," he agrees. "You can't expect to master each new branch of Occlumency that quickly."

I sigh loudly.

"You have time." He draws his wand out of his robes. "Now, why don't you try to stop me from seeing what happened between you and that pack of first-years, as well as what happened between you and Potter's friends?"

At least this morning he's staying away from my time on the run, I think bitterly. He waves his wand at me to put me to sleep once more.

I'm in the Great Hall with Astoria, Grant, and Daphne. The group of first-years approach me. Try as I might, I cannot wake myself up. Christopher questions me about tutoring him and the others behind him. I have to stop Snape this time. I failed before, and now he knows too much about my feelings toward my mother and too many embarrassing and pathetic moments from my life at the orphanage for me to be truly comfortable with him in my mind right now. I don't want him to be victorious. I agree to help them with their Transfiguration. I hear a cruel laugh, and my heart sinks because he has just won again.

I'm pulled forward, now talking to the Golden Trio. I cannot let him go farther. Snape cannot know that Harry suspects Draco, or that I, too, am trying to figure out Draco's mission for the year.

"Charlotte?" Hermione asks.

Snape appears beside me at the Gryffindor table. "Are you even attempting to stop me?"

"Of course I am!" my dream-self snaps at him before greeting Hermione.

"It's probably not a good idea for a Slytherin to be at the Gryffindor table," Ron says between his bites of toast.

"You're right, of course, but I need to speak with Harry." My dream-self pulls out her wand and turns to Snape. "Protego!"

I jerk awake. Snape is steadying himself on his desk. "Well done. But next time, you should try to stop me earlier." Before I can reply, he adds, "So you're going to be helping young first-years with Transfiguration. How very generous of you."

I bite my tongue. "Unfortunately."

His eyes dance with a cruel joy at this news. "Again, but this time stop me earlier."

I am walking toward Hogwarts from Hogsmeade. Bellatrix Apparates behind me. I ignore her and continue walking. She grabs me and forcibly Apparates me to a graveyard. Snape is standing beside us. Why can't I force him from my mind? Bellatrix points to my grave.

"How very touching. Mummy dearest cares for you. That must be such a strange feeling for you."

My dream self once again whips out her wand and aims it at the professor. "Protego!"

I jolt awake again. Snape seems oddly proud of me, and I feel a surge of satisfaction in my chest. Is he letting me be somewhat successful so I don't get so discouraged when I'm completely unable to stop him?

"The Shield Charm certainly forces me from your thoughts, but I don't believe the Dark Lord will take too kindly to you using such a spell to expel him from your mind. Actions like that will most definitely raise a few suspicions."

"So what should I do? I've only just been able to get you out of my mind at all."

"Manipulate your thoughts to change what I see. You've done it a number of times while awake. Focus on doing it while you're asleep." He makes it sound so simple, and I really hate that. "If you can do it while you're awake, you can do it while you're asleep. Ready?" I nod.

I am walking to Hogwarts from Hogsmeade. Does he expect me to manipulate this memory? He's already seen it, so what's the point? Bellatrix Apparates behind me. I guess it's worth a shot. I turn around and pull out my wand. Bellatrix forcibly takes me to a graveyard. I cast a spell at her, but it goes straight through her. She tells me to be safe because someone is to die at Hogwarts this year. I cast another spell at her, this time managing to hit her and throw her backward. Then I turn to Snape again. "Protego!"

I jerk awake once more and find Snape staring at me. "If you plan to fool the Dark Lord, you must get better, Charlotte," he says softly. "You cannot expect to deceive him with what you have just shown me."

"But I had my wand in the memory, and I didn't have it when that actually happened," I point out.

He watches me for a moment; then he narrows his eyes. "That's right," he admits, almost begrudgingly. "It's that easy to manipulate your thoughts, Charlotte. Now you just need to do that very thing on a larger scale." He raises his wand at me. "Again."

I am walking to Hogwarts from Hogsmeade. Bellatrix Apparates behind me. I scream at her to leave, but she doesn't. Instead, she grabs me and takes me to the graveyard. I shout at her again before hitting her with a spell that throws her backward. I aim my wand at Snape. "Protego!"

Snape is leaning back into his chair when I open my eyes. "Better," he says, "but you need to force me from your thoughts without shouting a spell at me."

"Again," I say to him. I will master Occlumency. I will join the Order of the Phoenix.

He looks at the clock on the wall. "Our lessons for now are over. We will continue again this evening."

I nod, not really wanting to stop right now, but stand anyway and leave in silence.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur, really, mostly because nothing matters right now beyond my Occlumency lessons this evening with Snape. I go to class, the Owlery, the Great Hall, the common room. I wander around the castle grounds or do homework during my breaks. By the time I'm sitting on the floor by the fire in the Slytherin Dungeon with Daphne, Astoria, Grant, and Malcolm—the pack of first-years sitting just an arm's length away as if they are unsure whether they are allowed to sit with us or not—all I want to do is go to Snape's office for my lessons. I have to master Occlumency and join the Order of the Phoenix, and waiting around in the common room is not helping me.

"Charlotte, are you listening?" Malcolm's voice interrupts my thoughts. I stop fiddling with a loose string on the sofa and look up at him.

"Of course I'm listening."

"No, you're not," he says, grinning.

I smile, hoping they can't see how forced it is. "Right. Sorry. I wasn't. I'm distracted."

"You've been that way all day," Daphne says. "What's going on in our dear Charlotte's head?" I glance over at the first-years. "Later, then. You don't have to talk about it now."

"Don't stop on our account," Christopher says, not even bothering to look up.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself, Collins," I say back. "I wouldn't dream of inconveniencing myself for the sake of the four of you."

He glances at me, grinning. "And yet you seem to be doing that very thing right now. You're not telling your friends something because we're sitting here. Isn't that inconveniencing yourself?"

"No, it's inconveniencing them. Not myself."

"She has a point," Daphne sighs, falling heavily against the back of the sofa. "I'm dying to know what's going on, and I can't because of you little shits."

"We can leave," Julia says quietly, looking up at me with wide, slightly scared eyes.

I whack Daphne's leg; she winks at me in response. "Don't listen to her. You're fine. Besides, I'm running low on time anyway." I turn my attention completely to Daphne, who grins down at her hands when our eyes meet. "Apologize to them."

"Look at you," Christopher says. "Your conscience actually is growing. I thought it was just a momentary thing when you released that poor girl from the spells the other day. I'm so very proud of you."

Daphne pats my leg. "She's growing. And it's all thanks to you first-years. Merlin knows Astoria and Zoe and I couldn't get to her last year."

"Oh, shut up." I pull out my pocket watch. I have twelve minutes before my lesson in Snape's office.

"She's trying so hard to avoid acknowledging it," Grant laughs.

"All right, I've got to go. I have lessons to get to." I push myself to my feet.

"Good luck," a few of them chime after me as I make my way to the door.

The door has just closed behind me when someone grabs me by the arm, leads me to an open room, and swings me inside. "Charlotte," Draco says coldly.

"Draco," I say just as rudely, jerking my arm away from him. His constantly changing tones toward me are beginning to irritate me—I never know if he'll be upset with me for some reason or if he'll be willing to somewhat help me as he had done in Malfoy Manor that day.

"What was so important that you were at the Gryffindor table with Potter yesterday?" he says tightly.

"I don't think that's any of your business, do you? That's what I thought. I'm glad that's settled. Excuse me now." I try to get around him, but he grabs me by my upper arms and shoves me back against the wall, holding me there tightly with his body. I try to struggle, but I'm trapped unless I can manage to get wand from my pocket and attack him, which doesn't sound that great to me in this moment. "Let go of me."

Draco lowers his face down to mine and breathes, "You're not the only person inside these walls who is important to the Dark Lord." He puts his nose against mine and continues, his voice cracking ever so slightly, "Charlotte, please." He closes his eyes. "Tell me what you know."

I swallow, unsure how to handle this situation, and, after a moment, decide to be blunt. "Who is going to die this year, Draco?"

His grip tightens on me, and I gasp in pain. "How do you know about that?"

"I—"

"Mr. Malfoy!" Snape's irritated voice saves me from having to say anything at all.

Draco growls as he completely releases me and steps away to face the professor who is now standing in the room I had been dragged to just moments ago. "Professor," my cousin says. "What can I do for you?"

Snape glowers at the Malfoy boy and asks, a hint of fury in his voice, "What were you doing to Miss Rodgers?"

"It's a private manner," Draco spits, pushing past Snape and out of the room, vanishing down the corridor before Snape can say another word.

Snape turns to me, and I close my eyes, taking deep breaths in an effort to calm my racing heart. "Are you—"

"I just need a minute," I whisper.

He watches for a long moment, a strange yet familiar look on his face. "You have five." He swoops out of the room, closing the door as he exits.

With one more breath, deciding it's best not to think about what just happened—Draco's fear and anger and what he might be trying to do that would cause him to feel that way—I follow Snape's lead and head toward his office. Once I've closed the door and taken my seat across from his desk, he straightens and watches me closely. "Are you going to tell me what just happened? Or am I going to need to use Legilimency?"

I sigh and lean back in the chair, stretch my legs and cross my ankles, and fold my arms together. "He wanted to know . . ." If I tell Snape that Draco is trying to find a way to bring the Death Eaters into the school, he might try to help him. And that means Draco might be successful before Christmas. Which means—no, I will not be enslaved this soon. "He wanted to know why I was speaking with Harry and his friends yesterday."

Snape seems unconvinced. "I'm giving you the chance, Charlotte, to tell me what happened before I take matters into my own hands."

"And you believe you will be successful in penetrating my mind?"

He smirks, looking almost proud. "You clearly believe yourself more capable than you are. Need I remind you of the three—now four—rather abysmal lessons you had?"

"I have a good teacher. I'm hoping your skills rub off on me."

Snape shifts. "What did Malfoy say to you?"

"Well, he sure didn't tell me who is going to die this year," I say bitterly. He should probably at least know that I am aware of what's going on.

"What makes you think someone will die this year?"

"Bellatrix," I say, partially glad to finally be admitting all of this. "When she found me making my way to Hogwarts from Hogsmeade. She told me that I had to be careful because of it." I meet his eyes, ignoring his frustrated glare. "Who is it?"

He frowns at me. "What did Draco say?"

I clear my throat, regretting my lie from just a moment ago. Perhaps it is best that Snape knows what Draco is trying to do. I don't want Draco punished—or worse, killed—for being unable to complete his mission. "Well, he . . . this is the second time that he's tried to get information from me. The first was when he just got back to Hogwarts. I think—I think the Dark Lord knows about Bellatrix coming to find me. Anyways . . . he just kept asking me—he wanted to know how I had gotten Bellatrix into the castle walls. He was desperate—to say the least—to know how I had done it."

"And did you tell him?" Snape asks quietly.

"No. I didn't get Bellatrix into Hogwarts, so I didn't know what he wanted me to know."

He nods but doesn't speak, his eyes in a distant land, probably trying to piece together the information I've given him with the information he probably already has.

"Professor," I say gently. He looks over at me, and for a moment I almost believe he'll tell me what I want to know. "Who . . . who's going to die?"

"The Dark Lord has strictly forbidden me from speaking of it."

"And since when do you do what the Dark Lord requires of you?"

"Just know this: The wizard in charge has everything planned out."

"And 'the wizard in charge' is who? Because Vol—the Dark Lord, please don't yell at me about that again—is in charge of the Death Eaters and other dark wizards, but Dumbledore is over the Order of the Phoenix and those against the Dark Lord."

"I cannot say. Trust me, Charlotte. Everything will be fine."

"Trust you? Professor, I like to think I can, but . . . you're a master of Occlumency, sir, so how can I really believe anything you tell me?"

"Because you have no choice." A short silence descends upon us, and I tear my eyes away from him, now looking at my hands again because I cannot bear to meet his gaze right now. I hear him take a breath, but he doesn't speak for another few minutes. And when he finally does speak, his voice is quiet and imploring. "If Draco says anything else, I need you to tell me, Charlotte. I need to know what he's planning on doing."

"I doubt if he'll say anything." My gaze meets his black eyes again. "He says he has to restore the Malfoy name."

Snape looks at his clock. "We've wasted nearly twenty minutes."

"So let's not waste anymore on Draco."

The corner of his lip twitches, almost as if he thought about smiling but decided not to. "I'm sure you are aware that you must once again attempt to expel me from your mind without using the Shield Charm?"

"I wouldn't be in here if I wasn't."

This time he actually manages a smirk before aiming his wand at me.

A failure. I am a complete failure. Snape far too easily navigated his way through my mind while I hopelessly tried to force him out without using the Shield Charm. I have just under three months to learn Occlumency proficiently before I can join the Order of the Phoenix, and at this rate, I will not be able to accomplish that. With a loud, frustrated sigh, I enter the Slytherin Dungeon. The first-years are gone. Astoria and Daphne are nowhere to be found. Grant and Malcolm left the common room ages ago.

I didn't really want to retreat to the dormitory just yet to sleep, but it seems I currently have no choice. I'm almost to the steps when I hear quick footsteps behind me, followed by Draco jumping in front of me so I cannot escape to my bed. "Not right now, please," I say.

He watches me suspiciously. "Since when are you and Snape on good terms?"

"Since when do you care?"

"I never stopped caring, Charlotte. I just . . . learned to care differently."

"And by that you mean 'I'm an arse to you, Charlotte, because I couldn't care for you the way I wanted to.' Leave me be, Draco. I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with you right now."

"I'm not an arse to you," he argues. "I remember giving you my wand when you needed to go see that Mudblood Accring—"

"Don't call her that."

"Why else would I have given it to you?"

"Because you pity me. Now let me go to my room."

Draco refuses to move. "You don't understand what's going on this year. I need you to tell me what you know about—"

"She never stepped foot onto the grounds," I hiss at him. "How many times must I tell you that? She. Never. Stepped. Foot. On. The Hogwarts. Grounds."

He hangs his head and whispers, "And you'd tell me if she had?"

"Currently? I doubt it."

"What's Snape been teaching you?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Charlotte." His gray eyes are pleading and sorrowful. "If I have to lie, I need to know what I'm lying about."

"Who are you lying to?" I laugh.

"Bellatrix, for one. Surely she'll be interested in her daughter being taught by Snape."

"Is that a threat?"

"No, but if she asks, I need to know what I should and should not say."

"Dumbledore asked him to teach me. Don't worry about it. Say you know nothing. Now, let me by." I take a step, but he throws his arm out to stop me. "I don't want to hurt you, Draco, but I will."

"Hey, Charlotte!" Draco and I both turn to see Daphne approaching us, a wide smile on her face. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"You can't have been looking too hard," Draco sneers at her.

"What is it?" I ask, colder than I meant to.

Daphne doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. In fact, she smiles. "I was wondering if you could help me with my Transfiguration homework seeing as you are doing much better in that class than I am currently. I'm struggling."

I close my eyes, thanking everything good in the world that Daphne decided to appoint me her go-to friend for problems with Transfiguration. "Sorry, Draco, I really should help her with this. It's due tomorrow."

My cousin frowns at me. "We're not finished." Then he looks at Daphne. "Greengrass. Rodgers." Draco walks away, going up the steps to the boys' dormitory.

I breathe a sigh of relief. "What's the assignment?" I ask.

Daphne simply shrugs. "I don't know. I don't really have any homework to finish."

"Then why—"

She glances away. "I noticed you weren't back yet, so I thought I'd sneak out and try to find you. Saw you trying to get away from Malfoy. I thought, why not help her out?" She adds with a wink, "Be a knight in shining armor for a beautiful maiden."

Despite myself, my cheeks grow warm. "Merlin, shut the fuck up. C'mon, let's get some rest." We retreat to the dorm together.