Panic in the Sky

By TLR

Parody based on the Stiller and Wilson movie Starsky and Hutch.

Plot: Trouble ensues on the way to Texas for a Hutchinson family reunion.

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The airplane cabin was quiet and comfortable on this beautiful sunny day as Starsky and Hutch headed toward Dallas, Texas for a Hutchinson family reunion. They sat side by side playing a card game of Old Maid, Starsky wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat, chaps, and boots, Hutch in basic blue jeans and red button and collar shirt.

"We aren't undercover, partner," Hutch said as he drew a card from Starsky's hand. "Not everyone dresses like John Wayne in Texas."

"Yeah, I know, but we're going to Texas. I've never been to Texas. I'm excited. I want to experience it all. The ranch, the cowboys, the Indians, the broncs."

"You wouldn't last two seconds on a bronc."

"Try me."

"You couldn't even stay on a mechanical horse."

"We'll see."

"All right. My old man has one in the bunkhouse. Give it a try when we get there."

"I will."

"I'll have an ambulance on standby."

"How rich is your family?"

"Rich enough."

"How do you get rich from cows and horses?"

"Oil, my friend. Oil."

"Do you have a long, lost sister I could date?"

"Nada. But I do have a first cousin I can introduce you to. Name's Rose."

"Rose Hutchinson. She as beautiful as her name?"

Hutch shrugged. "I don't know. She's my cousin. But people say the Hutchinsons have a strong family resemblance."

Starsky's expression melted into fantasy as he imagined what Hutch's first cousin would look like and act like.

"Does she play the guitar and sing like you?"

"She plays the harp."

"Go on..."

"Sings opera."

"Go on..."

"Blond hair and blue eyes."

Starsky collapsed back in his seat. "Single?"

"Yes."

Starsky clapped a hand to his forehead. "Dating?"

"No."

The Old Maid cards fluttered from Starsky's hand. He started to ask another question, but the cockpit door opened and the pilot stepped out to stretch his legs.

"Hutch, is that...?"

Hutch looked the pilot's way. Eyes narrowing, Starsky shot to his feet and headed toward the pilot, who was chatting congenially with a flight attendant.

Hutch shot to his feet too. "Starsky!"

But it was too late. Starsky delivered a powerful karate chop to the back of the pilot's neck, dropping him like a box of rocks.

"Don't worry!" Starsky said displaying his badge to the passengers. "Crisis averted!"

Hutch looked a little shocked and dazed. "Starsky, what-"

Starsky crouched down and cuffed the pilot's wrists behind his back, then rose to look at his partner. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am. Why did you do that?"

"Before we were partnered, I had this cocaine smuggling case, and THIS pilot, this so-called MAN, was flying the stuff in and got off with a bought-jury." He looked at the flight attendant. "Is this Miles Briggs?"

She looked flustered. "Why, yes, he-"

Hutch leaned over the pilot. "I think you put him in a coma, partner."

"Well," Starsky said adjusting his cowboy hat. "Justice is a funny thing sometimes."

The plane jolted, and the unattended controls sent the passengers into a panic. Now it was Hutch's turn to hold his badge up for them to see. "Everybody calm down! We got this!" After peeking into the cockpit, he turned to Starsky and said in a confidential tone, "Now we have to land this plane."

"What?"

Hutch pulled him into the cockpit.

"Yes. We have to land this plane, on that road."

Starsky looked out the windshield, seeing a freeway cutting through the Texas countryside below. "But..."

"No buts, partner. It's up to us. If we do this right, we may come out of this as heroes."

"And if we don't?"

"We'll have one final hug."

"Well, I did land remote control planes pretty good when I was a kid."

"Now we're talkin'."

When the noise of the passengers behind them grew more disgruntled, Hutch left the cockpit to address them again. "Relax, everyone. We're going to land this plane, and we promise to give you autographs once we unload. In the meantime..." He paused when turbulence threw him off balance. But he righted himself. "Does anyone have a guitar?"

In the cockpit, Starsky sat down in the pilot's seat to take over. His hands gripped the control yoke, but then he froze.

As the plane dropped lower and lower, the passenger's panic increased, but Starsky couldn't move.

Hutch came inside the cockpit and saw that Starsky's hands were nearly welded to the yoke.

"David!"

"I..."

Hutch put a hand on his partner's shoulder and crouched next to him. "No time to panic, partner. Just take a slow, deep breath, and pretend you're playing Sega Jet Rocket Flight Simulator Game at Huggy's. Come on, hot stuff. You can do it."

Starsky's face broke into distress. "It...it'll be like when I overshot Feldman's boat."

Hutch stroked the back of his neck, crooning. "No, no. This is different. You have confidence now, from being one half of the biggest, baddest, best bro team in the history of mankind. You got this."

Starsky blinked back tears, his hands gripping tighter on the control.

Hutch put an arm around his neck and began to sing softly in his ear, "Don't give up on us, I know. We can still come through."

Starsky visibly relaxed, maneuvering the plane as it descended, managing to align it with the freeway. The landscape loomed closer and closer, and with a final call of "Hang on, folks!" from Hutch, Starsky landed the plane, its wheels screeching on the asphalt, sending cars swerving, horns blaring, and drivers swearing.

Behind the two, the passengers cheered, and applause filled the plane.

Hutch kissed his partner's cheek. "Way to go, partner!"

Starsky grinned back, wiping a single bead of sweat from his brow. "Now let's go see your cousin Rose."

The End