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CHAPTER 14

My head was pounding when I laid down on the sofa to rest for a while, and though that pounding has ceased, I refuse to open my eyes. Severus covered me with a blanket shortly after I laid down, and it's still wrapped tightly around me. I know he's sitting in that armchair of his again, even though my back is to him and my face is hidden in the corner of the sofa, but he doesn't seem to know I am awake.

I don't even know if I'm awake.

Well, I mean, I do, but I'm unsure if I truly want to be.

I'm Charlotte Rodgers, the orphan who is not actually an orphan anymore, the child of two of Voldemort's most devout Death Eaters.

This is the mantra I continue repeating in my mind because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll once again forget who I am.

Someone bangs loudly on Severus's front door, but I don't turn over to see who it might be. The idea of doing anything right now makes me feel ill.

The man crinkles some paper, probably a newspaper if I had to guess, before his chair creaks from his shifting weight when he stands. The door opens, and I hear a quiet huff. "You cannot see her. The Anti-Disapparation Jinx—"

"Is she awake?"

I steady my breathing when I hear my mother's voice.

"She's been passed out for a few hours."

"Good."

"What're you—I don't believe I invited you into my home."

"Be quiet, Snape."

"Get—"

"You have to help her."

The door shuts, and a short silence follows.

"You have to help her."

"I don't believe—"

"She believes she's my daughter."

"Is she not?" Severus asks. Bellatrix huffs at him. "It will be announced soon, on orders of the Dark Lord. There's nothing—no, don't—"

A soft hand pets my hair, a long finger gently and lovingly caressing my cheek.

"You'll wake her up!" Severus hisses. "She needs her rest—you should know, you changed her memories."

Mum did this to me?

"She believes she's Aurelia Lestrange—and only Aurelia Lestrange," Bellatrix whispers, no longer touching me but still standing extremely close to me. I try to feel comforted by the fact that Mum is so near me, but the memory of her Cruciating me flashes through my mind and the knowledge that she changed my memories weighs on me. "She believes her duty is an honor."

"Then you've won, haven't you?" Severus answers dryly. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

Bellatrix takes a sharp breath. "Not like this. This isn't my daughter. My daughter is Charlotte Rodgers"—my name sounds like it burns her—"regardless of how much I hate it. This—this copy, this ghost of her—is not my daughter."

"But you now have a better relationship with her than you ever have, and you didn't even have to work for it. Are you not grateful that the Dark Lord saw fit to return your daughter to you? Particularly now that she agrees with everything you've wanted her to believe."

"But it's not real! If I'm to have a relationship with her, it must be real, not this falsified shadow of one."

"After all that you've done, you cannot truly believe you can have a working, healthy relationship with her as Charlotte Rodgers."

"There's much I must do to repair the damage I've caused, but if she stays this way, I'll never have a chance. You need to fix her." She's silent for a moment. Then she sighs. "This was my choice and my mistake." When Severus doesn't say anything, she continues, "She was nearly dead, Snape, and the Dark Lord—he gave me the choice to—to make her the daughter I was supposed to have, compliant to his demands, or heal her and let her be Charlotte Rodgers and allow her to be tortured when she rebels. I chose incorrectly. She told me she was tired of being hurt, but this isn't—she would rather be in pain than live a lie. You can fix it. I left—I left a backdoor of sorts when I changed her memories, and you can find it. I know you can find it."

"You're asking me not only to correct your misjudgment but also to keep from the Dark Lord that you've had a chance of heart? Fix your own mistakes."

She huffs. "He'll know if I changed her memories back. You have to do it. Just—I will have failed to change her memories properly, but that's better than letting her live like this."

"You know the punishment if you fail the Dark Lord."

"I'm aware."

Another silence.

"I'm not asking for help on my behalf; I'm asking you to help—Charlotte."

"Why would I try to help your daughter?"

"Because she respects and admires you against my wishes, and therefore I have to believe you've done something to earn it."

"What makes you think—"

"Do you really believe I forgot to tell you about the change I made in her. Sending her to you without informing you of what happened gave me more insight into your relationship with my daughter than I could've ever gotten otherwise. You care for her. You hugged her. You were happy to see her alive. So fix her."

"I will not go against the Dark Lord."

"It's not going against the Dark Lord! He gave me a choice!"

"Then correct it yourself."

"The Dark Lord gave me a choice, and I chose. But this—I cannot change her back. He will ask if I did it, and I cannot lie to him. You must do it."

"No. She's much more manageable this way."

"You're useless!"

"If I were truly useless, you wouldn't have come to me for help." There's a rustle. "Put the wand away. You wouldn't want to duel and have a stray curse hit Aurelia."

"She's—" She huffs loudly.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, followed by a soft kiss on my head. Trying to keep Severus from seeing my movements, I place my hand over my mother's and breathe quietly, "I'll find someone."

She touches my cheek. "Take care of her," Mum demands. I hear the pop! of her Disapparation.

Silent tears roll down my cheeks, and at some point, I fall asleep.

When I awaken once more, the pain in my head is completely gone, and I force myself to roll over and sit up. "How're you feeling?" Severus asks.

"Better, but not great. What're you going to force me to remember again today?"

"It's not something I choose to show you. It's whatever your mind releases first. Are you prepared?"

"I have to be, right? So let's get it over with."

Severus leads me back down to the basement area and sets it up identically as to what it was yesterday. "Take a seat and brace yourself."

I obey him, and seconds later Severus casts the spell at me.

The same intense pain consumes me as it had done yesterday, and all I want to do is die.

Severus fills my mind. From the moment I first met him after being liberated from the cellar at Malfoy Manor to attacking him in Hogwarts. I watch us argue about him teaching me Occlumency and me living with him at Spinner's End. I see myself kiss him after learning that Draco is my cousin, and I see him trap me in his potion storeroom. He chases me through Hogwarts as I try to escape to go see Zoe in Hogsmeade. I see myself fall into his arms after getting my revenge on Jesse for causing Zoe's death, and I watch him lift me and place me in the shower to get the blood off of me.

Then I can't breathe. I've been submerged in icy water and I cannot breathe. I gasp, trying to gulp down as much air as possible, but nothing seems to be helping. My lungs are on fire, and my body begins to convulse. Why can't I breathe?

"Charlotte! Charlotte!" I hear. A hand slides under the back of my head, another around my waist and under my back. "Charlotte, breathe!"

With a sharp breath I come to, lying on my back on the floor with Severus trying to hold me upright. I throw my arms around his neck. "Professor!" He grunts, caught off guard, but lets me hold tightly to him.

He pulls me to my feet and releases me. "I thought—I thought—"

I wipe a few tears from my eyes and whisper, "Why couldn't I breathe?"

"The spell is taking its toll on you," he says, watching me as if shocked I'm alive and standing here before him. My legs begin to grow weak, and I grab his arm to stop myself from falling. "And it will continue to do so until we've broken down all of the barriers that have been put up." He doesn't seem to mind that I've grasped onto him for support, but I'm sure he'll be rather angry if I vomit on him, so I quickly let go and turn to the side to puke. Before I can fall into it, he grabs my waist and straightens me back up. Then he lifts me into his arms and carries me back up the stairs to place my on the sofa.

"Will we be able to fix everything before it's too late?"

He nods. "Yes, but it will not be easy, and it will not be comfortable. It will be very dangerous, Charlotte, you need to know that."

I close my eyes. "I could die, right?"

"Yes."

"So if we try it, Charlotte Rodgers might die. But if we don't attempt it, she will most certainly die, yeah? You said if the barriers don't all come down, they'll return, won't they?"

"And Charlotte Rodgers will forever be Aurelia Lestrange."

"Then we need to do it no matter what. I'd rather physically be dead than forever be trapped as Aurelia Lestrange." Aurelia Lestrange doesn't have this friendship with him, and I don't want to lose that.

"Just keep lying there so that if you pass out you won't hit the stone floor."

"Okay."

Once more he begins attacking me with spells.

I don't remember passing out, but when I awaken, Severus Snape is nowhere to be found. The sun is gone, and I'm alone on the sofa. I try to stand but find myself unable to do so without holding onto the furniture around me. But there's something I need to do, so I pull myself together long enough to Apparate.

Then I collapse onto the floor in Bellatrix's room. "Mum!" I cough, dragging myself to my feet using the edge of her bed.

She's out of her bed and by my side in seconds. "Aurelia, what's happened?"

"We need to talk."

"Aurelia—"

I throw my hand up to silence her. "My name is Charlotte."

A sad, weak smile comes to her face. "Charlotte," she says quietly.

"I'm angry at you for a lot of things. And there're some things that I cannot forgive."

"Azkaban," she whispers.

"What? No, I don't blame you for going to Azkaban."

"I meant when I had to take you there."

"What?" Her face drops. "That doesn't matter right now."

"Did—is no one helping you?"

"McGonagall is." Her jaw clenches. "She knew where I was staying and came to find me when I didn't turn up. She's knocked Se-Snape out. Not everything has been reversed. Let me speak—I have to get this out."

She nods and motions for me to continue.

"I'm angry at you for a lot of things. But I was awake when you came to see Se-Snape. I heard everything. You want a relationship with me, and you were given the perfect one, yet you turned it down because you want it to be genuine. I know you made the wrong choice when making me Aurelia, but you want to fix all of the issues between us." I look away from her. "I—I—I can't explain what that means to me, Mum. I want to fix our relationship as well."

"Aurel—Charlotte." She takes me into her arms, and I hold her tightly.

"You can call me 'Aurelia.' I'm your daughter."

Bellatrix's hold on me grows tighter.

"But this doesn't mean all is forgiven."

We break apart. "I didn't expect it to be."

"Because I'm still very much angry at you for Cruciating me. And I don't know what happened with Azkaban, but I'm sure Sev—Snape—will help me remember that soon enough. And I might be angry at you for that soon as well, but that's not important right now."

"I know I shouldn't have Cruciated you."

"Yeah, you shouldn't have."

"And I won't say I didn't have a choice, because I believe we both know that's not entirely true."

"But it's partially true, isn't it? Look what he did to—to Zoe." My voice catches for a moment, and I take a deep breath. "What would he have done to you if you had chosen to Cruciate him over me?"

"He might've killed us both. He certainly would've punished us."

I sit down on the foot of her bed, no longer able to stand.

"You loved her."

"Yes," I sigh, doing my best to ignore the lump in my throat. "I would have done anything for her. I—I wanted to be with her for—well, forever."

"She quoted Marcus Aurelius."

"It was our thing. She…she loved Marcus Aurelius and had loved him since her parents died." I take a steadying breath. "Then she found out I was named for him and…" I smile sadly. "She called me 'Marcus.' Zoe was…perfect. You would have liked her."

"She was a Mudblood."

"Don't call her that!"

Bellatrix just watches me, her face unapologetic.

"She was a good person, and she made me happy. And now she's gone." I lean over and rest my head on her shoulder. "And I shouldn't blame you, but I do. I feel as if you could've intervened—even though I know such an idea is ridiculously absurd. But I feel like you abandoned me."

"I wouldn't have saved her, but I will never abandon you. I will never leave you again." I squeeze her hand. "That's not much to make up for what I've done—"

"But it's enough to make me forgive you. For now. I won't forget it, and I might still struggle with it, but…I forgive you. Not for—for letting her die, but for the Cruciatus Incident and the other shitty things you've done to me. You're my mum." Bellatrix rubs my arm. "But I'm afraid I must go now. There are still some barriers McGonagall needs to break down." I clear my throat. "Thank you…for the backdoor."

I wrap my arms around her again before Apparating, the image of her smiling at me following me as I leave.

I hardly make it over to the sofa before collapsing and curling onto my side.

Not long after I feel a hand on my shoulder shaking me awake. "This is our last chance, Charlotte. Then you can sleep for as long as you want."

"I'm so tired."

"Perhaps you wouldn't be so tired had you slept through the night when I gave you the chance rather than running off."

"Yeah, well…"

Severus pulls on my shoulder and forces me to face him. "Unless you want to remain Aurelia Lestrange, it's best that you let me do this last spell."

"Fine."

"But you need to eat something to keep your energy up. This one will be your worst yet."

"Why will it be the worst?"

He helps me to my feet and walks me to the kitchen. "Sit down." He places a plate of toast and eggs in front of me. "Eat." I don't argue with him. "This will be the worst because whatever happened to you in Azkaban is what broke you—what made it possible for them to place these barriers in your mind and make you believe you're Aurelia Lestrange."

I pause, a forkful of eggs halfway to my mouth.

"Because it broke you, that's where the spell will be the strongest, where it originated. And Charlotte, if any part of you—even the smallest part of you—wants to keep this life as Aurelia Lestrange or has ever wanted to be Aurelia Lestrange, it will fight you. Your subconscious, the part of you that wants to be Aurelia, will deploy defenses and try everything in its power to defeat you, and the spell will help it. Does any part of you want to be Aurelia?"

I swallow and place the fork back on the plate.

"I feared as much," he says, not unkindly.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Latch onto someone who makes you want to be Charlotte, and don't let any visions convince you to give up."

"Will I be okay?"

"I can't be sure. But I won't leave your side while it happens."

I finish my meal in silence, then go back to the sofa. He waits for me to nod at him before casting the spell.

I'm walking through Azkaban, but I hear no sounds of people screaming in pain or for help. A dementor floats ahead of me, but I'm not cold. There's not even the slightest chill in the air. One of the cells opens up, and Zoe steps out of it and smiles warmly at me, creating butterflies in my stomach. "Come with me, Marcus."

I waste no time taking her into my arms and holding her tightly. Zoe wraps me up and kisses my neck. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," she says.

I pull away from her and lace my fingers through hers. She smiles at me, and together we begin our journey through Azkaban. "This is dangerous, Charlotte, I'm sure you know that. It'll be painful. You'll hate your duty to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and he'll hurt you for it."

"Stop."

"You'll resist him, and he'll hurt you for it."

"STOP."

"Don't you remember what he did to me? He'll do that to everyone you love."

"THAT'S ENOUGH, ZOE! THAT'S ENOUGH! OF COURSE I BLOODY WELL REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO YOU! I SEE IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES!"

Zoe looks at me sadly. "You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't know I meant so much to you."

"I love you, Zoe, of course you mean the world to me. I thought—I thought you knew that. I…I should have—"

"Kidding, Marcus. I love you too."

She smiles at me before grabbing me by the waist and pushing me back against the wall, her lips pressing against mine. A lump forms in my throat, burning and making it hurt to breathe. This could be my last chance to spend any time with Zoe ever again.

It's not real, a voice says in the back of my mind. She's not even here with you. She's dead. Because of you.

"Hey, break it up," someone else says.

Zoe and I split apart and look over at a man I very much recognize but wish that I did not. He's standing with a woman who's holding a child in her arms. "What do you want?" Zoe snaps. "I was trying to enjoy my last few minutes with my girlfriend."

"That bitch girlfriend of yours murdered me and my family," the man says. "And I believe it's time I finally got my revenge."

"In Azkaban only the dementors are allowed to torment the prisoners." Then she threads her fingers through mine and leads me away.

"You should let yourself die, Rodgers! That way you can't harm anyone else!"

Perhaps I should let myself die.

Zoe ascends Azkaban with me.

"We're getting close."

"Close to what?" I ask.

"Your cell."

The dementor ahead of us stops moments later. "I love you, Zoe."

"I love you too, Charlotte."

I kiss her one last time before the dementor opens the cell door and motions me inside. I wave goodbye to Zoe as the door closes. Then I turn around and see her—Aurelia Lestrange. Me. She stands with her back to me, her hand holding on of the bars on the window. "I knew you'd be coming. I felt Severus's spells attacking me, and I knew you'd end up here." She turns to me, and I gasp. Blood covers her face, her cheek torn open so badly I can see her teeth. Her left eye is missing. "It's mine!" she hisses at me.

"What?"

"It's my life, it was always supposed to be mine! I won't let anyone take it away from me, least of all you! You stole my life, and I'm taking it back."

"I didn't do anything."

"My memories with mum—my relationship with her—it's mine, and you've ruined it. It's my life. It was always supposed to be mine. There's a reason Mum chose to give it back to me! She doesn't want you, she wants me! She'll never want you! I'm taking back what's rightfully mine!"

She lunges at me and takes me to the stone floor, her fist striking across my face. I'm dazed for a slight second before thrusting the heel of my palm into her stomach. Her hands circle my neck and squeeze. "It's my life, and you took it from me!"

I reach up and grab her hair and yank it as hard as I physically can. Then I flip her off of me and crawl away, pulling myself to my feet again. "I am the daughter of Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, not you!"

I am the daughter of the Lestranges.

I rush forward, grab her by the waist, and slam her against the wall, then drag my elbow across her face. She falls to the floor, the open wound on her face bleeding more now. Without wasting a moment, she sweeps my legs out from under me and pounces on top of me. "You're going to die here, Charlotte, and I'm taking back what's mine." She wraps her hands around my neck and begins to squeeze. "I'm taking back what's mine."

Struggling for breath, I reach up and try to fight her off of me. She's going to kill me. I grab the broken side of her face. She screams, her tight grip on my neck lessening. I rip her hands off my neck, and she thrusts her hand into her robe and pulls out her wand.

There are no wands in Azkaban, Severus's voice says in the back of my mind. It can't be real.

Her eyes wide and wild, a broad smile on her face, she raises her wand, "Cru—"

Severus appears out of thin air behind her, covering her mouth with one hand and pulling her off of me, holding her still with his other arm. "You need to get out of here, Charlotte." He tosses something at my feet. "Finish this, you need to get out of here now."

I glance down at the dagger he's tossed to me, then pick it up and stand to my feet. "What—"

"Finish it, you have to get out of here."

I run forward and plunge the dagger into her stomach. "Again, Charlotte," Severus says. I rip the dagger from her belly and ram it back in. Severus releases her, and she falls to the floor. "We have to leave now."

Why am I not waking up?

The stones beneath our feet begin to quake, and Severus reaches for my arm. "Brace yourself."

"What—"

The wall with the window crumbles before us and falls into the sea below. "Do you trust me, Charlotte?" Severus asks.

"With my life."

He takes me by the hand and leads me to the crumbled wall, then wraps his arms around me and jumps. We smack the water, sinking with the stones, and Severus disappears.

I can't move. The water has frozen me, and I can't move. Instead I sink, the darkness closing in on me and pulling me into its depths. Severus has abandoned me. And now I'm going to die.

Perhaps it's best this way. It'll save myself and my friends from pain if I simply die now. I close my eyes but cannot bring myself to take that deep breath to end it all.

"Charlotte! Charlotte, you have to wake up!"

Even after opening my eyes, I cannot see.

"Charlotte, you have to wake up!"

My body begins convulsing, and I take a breath of water.

And suddenly I'm warm. I'm on the floor, my back to someone's chest, a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind, a hand frantically patting my face. "Charlotte, you have to wake up, you have to wake up. I can't lose—you have to wake up."

The grip on me tightens, and I gasp and pry my eyes open. Severus's hair tickles my cheek, and I glance over to find his forehead on my shoulder, his arms wrapped around me from behind as if he had been trying to perform the Heimlich.

I suck in a deep breath of air.

"You're alive," he breathes. His grip on me lessens. "I thought you died." I lean back against him and cry.