"Mommy! Daddy! Guess what Axl showed me!"

As their two oldest children rushed into the room, Amy and Kif knew their Sunday night solitude had come to a premature close. They put down their fruity Frogaritas and braced themselves.

"Give it back, Mandy!" Axl rushed in right behind his little sister, sweating (sliming?) up a storm.

"Whoa, kids!" Kif held up his hands, cuing the kids to slow down. "Just slow down and show us what's wrong."

"Slowly and neatly, if you can!" Amy added.

The parents had experienced their fair share of pranks, as evidenced by the stains on the couch and the half-washed writing they'd covered up with picture frames. Even well-intentioned curiosities could be cause for alarm, like their apartment being invested with weird alien bugs. On the bright side, Newt was napping, and for all Mandy and Axl liked to mess around, they knew better than to wake him up. That would become a problem for all of them.

But what Mandy put down on the coffee table didn't seem too alarming at all. It was just a magazine. Not a fancy one either – just glossy paper.

"Okay…" Amy said, hesitant. "I don't see what's so–"

"Oh, dear god!" Kif reacted in shock, a dark green blush spreading across his face. His mortified son had a matching hue. "Where did you get this?!" he demanded.

"I just… found it on a chair when visiting Mom at work!" Axl couldn't even look his parents in the eyes. "I thought it was funny…" Then he swiveled around and glared at his sister. "I told her not to show you guys!" Mandy playfully stuck out her tongue.

Amy took a closer look at the magazine's cover. It displayed an attractive Amphibiosian posing in nothing but a skimpy loincloth. The title: Fingertips. The cover story: "Toadia Jennings sheds her skin!" It looked like something she'd seen Scruffy leaf through during meetings.

Now she got why Kif was upset.

As they flipped through the pages, Kif's skin seemed to crawl at every provocative image. Some were simply erotically-charged stills of intertwined fingers. Others depicted froggy aliens twisted around each other in ways Amy never thought possible (but had always hoped).

"This isn't good, Amy," Kif whispered to his smizmar. "They're far too young to be seeing this sort of thing."

"Don't worry, Kif," Amy reassured him. "Lots of kids find this stuff and turn out fine."

"But it's so… inaccurate to what real love should be." Kif's pupils seemed to shrink. "I don't want him to become like… ugh, you know…"

She knew. "Maybe we should talk to them. Just to make sure they don't learn from the swamps."

"Mmmm…" Kif hesitated. "Should we put together a slideshow?"

Amy gently touched the top of his hand. "I'll take the lead."

"We can hear you." Axl stood with his arms crossed, while his sister fiddled with some toys on the floor. "Can you just ground me so I can go to my room and scream this out?"

"I'll do you one better!" His mother held up her head in pride. "I'm gonna teach you about the birds and the buggalos."

"Oh dear god." Axl buried his face in his hands.

"Don't worry," Kif chimed in, "it's really beautiful when you get into it."

Axl peeked between his fingers. "Not when your parents are talking about it!"

"I wanna hear!" Mandy sat up straight, up to learn about pretty much anything.

Now that his little sister was willing to learn, Axl refused to be bested. "Oh, well, in that case…" He stood up as straight as he could and tried to look cool. "I know all about this stuff anyway."

Amy leaned in towards her kids as they listened to her wise words. "It starts when two people – or aliens – love each other very much…" She paused, thought for a second, and amended, "Or are drunk and bored at a sorority party."

"Amy…" Her fonfon ru was caught off-guard.

"What? I want them to be prepared for the real world! Anyway, uh…" She realized now how hard it was to explain this to kids. "Sometimes you just make out a bit. Sometimes you find a nice little secluded area, mess around for a bit, maybe play some cards, then you just strip down and–"

"I think for now," Kif interrupted, "we should stick to describing their reproductive capabilities."

"Oh. Good idea." She could barely see her kids now, they'd camouflaged so hard in embarrassment. "You can take it from here."

Kif breathed in and began his tale. "What's special about your species, children, is that you can create life without even needing to get naked."

"Lame," Axl scoffed.

"It's not lame." Kif furrowed his brow. "In fact, one could argue we value the role of love more than any other species in the universe."

He looked deeply into Amy's eyes. "It starts when you meet someone who changes your entire life. The one who makes you realize you're worth more than you ever thought you were. The one who reminds you what it's truly like to live. " He placed a hand on Amy's leg. "Your smizmar."

Amy smiled sweetly, tears already welling in her eyes.

"And when you're in the throes of passion," Kif continued, "without a single doubt that you spend the rest of your waking life with this person… your body responds in turn."

"Glecch!" Both of the kids gagged at that.

But their parents didn't care. They were lost in each other's gaze, fingers intertwined. "Your skin thins, allowing genetic material to pass through, and the moment you touch unprotected, you both begin to swell with life."

"So did Mommy give birth to us too?" Mandy questioned.

"No, honey," Amy giggled. "Humans don't get pregnant that way."

"What about Auntie Leela?" Mandy asked again. "She's not human, and part of her stuff is in us."

A lump formed in Amy's throat. Explaining this would be a hard one. "First off, Leela is a human. She's just a special kind of human – a mutant, remember?" She knew eventually, the kids would have to learn more about mutanthood, since they were genetically mutant and that came with challenges neither Amy and Kif could address. But she'd save that for a later date. This was a hard enough night as is. "And I… don't know how she reproduces, honestly."

"Can I axe her that next time she babysits?" Axl asked.

"No, Axl. And believe me, I've tried." Amy continued: "Second… when your dad got pregnant with you guys…" She twiddled her fingers. "There was an accident, and he touched Leela by mistake."

Axl's eyes went wide. "We're accidents?" He looked crestfallen.

"No, darlings, no!" Kif quickly put the kibosh on any self-loathing his children could develop from this. "You're here because I loved your mother. Because I knew she was ready to be a mother. And yes, it's possible that when you're in the receptive state, you may mix genes with someone other than your smizmar. But in our culture, you cannot have children unless you know, deep down, you're ready to do so. And I knew I was."

"And I may not have known it yet…" Amy took Kif by the hand again. "But I was, too." They shared a kiss.

"Oh, gleesh, guys." Axl made a gagging sound. Mandy just giggled.

Kif and Amy pulled away and turned back to the kids. "So the lesson here, dear children…" Kif spoke with authority. "...is that, once you start going out with a special someone, you must keep your body protected until you know you're ready."

"No glove, no love!" Amy punctuated.

"And only make love in secluded areas, away from strangers. And wash your hands after using the restroom!"

"And don't do any of this until you're eighteen." But Amy added in a hushed tone, "I know you probably won't wait that long, but try to be subtle about it."

"And never forget: you were the ones to survive." Kif put a hand on his heart. "That makes you the most special of all."

The kids just sat for a while, as if dumbfounded. Then Mandy stood up and hugged her parents' legs. "Thank you for making us!" she said in her sweet little voice. Her parents smiled and patted her shoulders.

Axl sniffed, covertly wiping something from his eye. "Whatever."

But before he could take Fingertips back to his room, Kif boomed, "Leave it here." Axl groaned, slammed the magazine on the table, and walked off. His sister ran off behind him.

Amy snuggled into Kif. "They're growing up so fast."

"Too fast," Kif sighed, his eyes on the porno rag. "Soon enough, they may find smizmars themselves, and give birth to a brood of their own."

"Hopefully not too soon!" Amy picked her Frogarita back up; Kif followed suit to toast her. "I am not ready to be a grandmother."