An Ice Man Cometh Jasper freezes himself solid in the Kwik e mart freezer because he wants to lsee what the future would be like. Meanwhile, Homer brings home a metal detector and Bart and Lisa use it to find buried treasure. Oscar is concerned that none of the girls at school find him attractive so he has cosmetic surgery but ends up looking like Sexy Teenaged Oscar from a drawing of him I had commissioned.
PlotThe couch gag is the Simpsons growing on vines as fruits and vegetables. Homer is a squash, Marge is a pod of peas, Bart is a strawberry and Lisa is a bunch of grapes. Maggie is a deadly broccoli floret.
At school, Lisa joins Bart, Martin, Milhouse and Nelson at a table for lunch. They are complaining about their lunches.
"Salisbury soup again?" Milhouse whined. How do you make soup out of Salisbury steak...?
"My sloppy joe is too sloppy!" Bart whined.
"And talk about weak coffee..." said Nelson drinking a mug of coffee.
"I'll take that." Skinner confiscated Nelson's coffee.
"Well I bought my lunch at the gas station! It's the kind astronauts would have in space! Did you guys know my dad was an astronaut?" Lisa asked them.
"Yes..." said the boys.
Lisa took it out of its cardboard cover and took off the vacuum packaging. Milhouse's glasses were sucked in by the vacuum from the lunch and stuck themselves to Lisa's lunch.
"Woooooow!" said Milhouse. Oscar then sucked off his glasses with a vacuum cleaner.
"Oz there's no room here. Sit at another table..." said Bart.
"Oscar why have you got a vacuum cleaner?" Lisa asked him.
"Hunting ghosts and sucking glasses off of nerds' faces." said Oscar.
"Gimme those!" Milhouse took back his glasses.
Oscar went off to leave them to solve a puzzle on Lisa's astronaut lunch.
He sat at a table with Jurkle, the Jewish kid who was eating something kosher. Suddenly his nose started bleeding violently. "Oh no my sinuses!" Jurkle groaned as his nose bled.
"Eeeeeeeew!" Oscar groaned. He then sucked off his big black glasses that resembled Bart's.
"Hey!" Jurkle whined.
Oscar laughed.
"That's not funny Oz..." Jurkle frowned.
At Bart's table they all solved Lisa's lunch puzzle except for Lisa herself. She couldn't find the answer.
"It's a mirror puzzle..." Bart sighed.
"Don't ruin it for me! I can solve this on my own!" Lisa frowned. She couldn't solve the puzzle.
She sighed and decided just to eat the space food.
"Mmmmmm! Intergalactic!" said Lisa eating the space food.
...
At the Kwik e Mart Jasper was buying lots and lots of tubs of ice cream for some reason.
"That's a lot of Haagendaz Jasper!" said Apu.
"There's more to come." said Jasper heading off to fetch more ice cream.
Homer came in.
"Hmmmmmm... I'm looking for an after dinner burrito..." said Homer.
Apu fetched a strawberry breakfast burrito and microwaved it in the microwave oven.
Krusty as a burglar in a black eye mask walked past the microwave and it shut down his pace maker. "Aaaaagh! I'm dying! I'm dying!" He said dramatically as he clutched his chest and collapsed.
"While we wait for your burrito how about you enjoy this novelty pen!" said Apu giving Homer a pen as Jasper seemingly bought more ice cream.
Homer took the pen. "I don't see what's so- Oh my god! This lady's clothes are coming off.
"Can someone call an ambulance..." Krusty groaned.
"Sideshow Bob are you robbing the Kwik e mart dressed as Krusty again..." Homer sighed.
"No. This really is me! I'm in debt!" said Krusty.
Some time later it was evening. Homer was still playing with the naked lady pens. "Three two one... we have lift off!" He made the pens go naked.
"Where is that old man buying all the ice cream?! His frozen desserts are melting!" said Apu.
Homer and Apu go to the freezers only to find Jasper frozen solid inside one of them. Apu screamed. "Oh by the elephant head of Ganesh!"
"Here have my KP peanuts Ganesh." Oscar offered Ganesh some peanuts.
"There's a note in his hand." Homer took a note from frozen Jasper. It read: "Dearest Apu. I have frozen myself so I may live to see the future. Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and efficient and the Dallas Cowboys finally win."
"Pffffft! Dallas Cowboys..." Homer didn't think that was ever likely to happen.
"Oh by the many arms of Vishnu! There are all sorts of crazy idiots frozen in my freezers!' said Apu as we pan round the freezers. In one crouching is Jack Nicholson's character from the Shining. In another is Boris Grishenko from Goldeneye frozen in his "Yes! I am invincible!" pose while wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt. "Mr Homer, how will I sell this ice cream now?! With out subzero temperatures this ice cream will soon melt!"
"I'll take them off your hands Apu..." said Homer taking the tubs of ice cream.
"As you wish Mr Homer." said Apu.
"And five packets of Ding Rings." said Homer. Chocolate coated ring cakey things with cream or marshmallow in the middle.
"Certainly." said Apu politely.
...
At the Simpsons everyone was greedily eating ice cream.
"Hmmmmm! This was very generous Homie. But I really think you should keep some aside for the thing." Ie by the thing, Marge meant Hugo.
"Why?! He doesn't deserve any!" said Homer eating chocolate ice cream.
Oscar glared at him.
"Homer! What has he done wrong? Aside from being born?" said Marge.
"Fine... but stop talking about the thing! Big ears is listening!" said Homer.
"What did I do?" Big Ears the gnome from Noddy whined.
Oscar laughed.
Homer is wearily seen entering the dark attic with a couple of tubs of ice cream for someone's pudding.
"Here you go. But finish your fish heads first..." he said to Hugo giving him some tubs of ice cream and a spoon.
Hugo growled and ate his fish heads ravenously as Homer left chuckling and singing Fish heads! Fish heads! Roly poly fish heads!
At pudding.
Everyone ate ice cream.
"Next time Jasper pulls a stupid stunt like freezing himself, get him to take out the Ben and Jerry's..." Oscar moaned as he liked Ben and Jerry's for their zany flavours.
"Quiet you!" said Homer.
"No you be quiet!" Oscar snapped.
"Both of you lower your voices." Graggle said.
Homer groaned and ate his ice cream.
"And put on some pants Graggle!" Oscar muttered.
Graggle sighed.
Later Bart and Oscar were playing a two player dogfight of Star Fox.
"Do a barrel roll!" Oscar yelled.
Bart winced.
"Also Ralph exasperated me today. He kept demanding they make a sequel to Disney's Pete's Dragon..." said Oscar.
Bart was irked and a little concerned about Ralph's mentality.
...
At school Lisa is so preoccupied by Milhouse scratching himself and that puzzle that she forgets her locker code.
"Oh I forgot my locker code..." Lisa sighed.
"Hi Lisa! Where's your show and tell project? I brought in a cow heart!" said Ralph taking out a bloody brown paper bag that dripped blood.
"I bought the head of Medusa!" said Greek Hero Oscar in a chiton with olive leaves in his hair. He was holding a bloody paper bag that dripped blood too.
"Show and tell! I was too busy thinking about that stupid puzzle I forgot!" Lisa gasped.
In class Ralph was sent immediately to Principal Skinner's office because of his cow heart.
Skinner was furious with him.
"Young man! Cow hearts belong in a butcher! Or the science classrooms on dissecting day. Or in the school kitchen. But not at show and tell!" Skinner yelled. "I've had a whole line of kids in here this week thinking it's okay to bring cow hearts in! Alison keep looking at that wall! Nowhere else!" He sighed wondering why so many kids were bringing in cow hearts.
In third grade Oscar was learning about the Aztec's with a school project.
He was dressed as the high priest who cuts out people's hearts.
"And then the high priest pulls out their hearts like Mola Ram! Which is my favourite part! Kali ma shakti de! Kali ma! Kali maaaaaaa!" He plucked out a cow heart from a model of a person he built.
The third grade teacher from Bart and Lisa vs the 3rd grade face palmed.
In second grade Lisa tried to hastily make a show and tell project from an eraser and drawing pins to make a piggy. Miss hoover was not happy and failed her.
"Lisa I am very disappointed in you!" said Miss Hoover.
"So am I Miss Hoover. So am I..." Lisa said sadly...
The schoolyard at recess. Ralph is smiling and holding a protest sign that read "Make Pete's Dragon 2!"
Lisa was sat at a bench with Milhouse, Bart and um Wendell. Lisa was still struggling with the puzzle.
"Still stuck on that puzzle?" Milhouse asked.
"Maybe I can't concentrate because of your cooties." Lisa ranted.
"Lis, boys don't carry or spread cooties. Only girls spread cooties." said Bart.
Lisa rolled her eyes at his stupid and sexist explanation.
"And besides I don't have cooties. I have head lice. And that's nothing to be ashamed of." said Milhouse.
Skinner gasped.
"Burn Milhouse's clothes! And inform CPS to have a few strong words with the Van Houtens!" Skinner yelled.
...
At home Lisa played her saxophone badly, which Homer actually liked.
"Now we're swinging! Duh duh duh duh! Hey! Duh duh duh! Hey!" He sung dancing about like he was drunk.
"Darn it!" Lisa threw aside her saxophone.
She went downstairs to find Gramps having his hair cut by Marge.
"If you'd just apologise to Louie you could have your hair cut just the way you want!" Marge said to Gramps.
"Not until he admits he's a jerk!" said Gramps.
"Mom I can't do anything right lately!" said Lisa.
"Oh I know how you feel sweetie! You're just having a bad day! Why I burnt the turkey! Ruined your dad's shirts! And ran out of butter so I had to spray the English muffins with fry-lite!" said Marge.
"Or maybe you're just a lousy cook." said Gramps rudely. "Ow!" Marge cut him.
"Oops! My scissors slipped..." said Marge going off somewhere,
"This is not just a bad day! I haven't been able to do anything right lately..." said Lisa sighing.
"I have something to show you sweetie!" said Gramps.
They went in the attic to look at stored away boxes of things like old book reports.
But Hugo was scuttling about sniffing and mumbling.
"Gramps why is there a boy up here?" Lisa asked. Watching the Bart like boy crawling about rummaging through their stuff. He found something he really liked.
"My precious..." he rasped stroking an old doll.
"I-I just don't know!" Gramps gasped.
"Lisa! Dad! Get out of the attic!" Homer yelled.
"How about you explain why there's ugly version of Bart locked up here!" Grampa snapped back.
Hugo glared at Abe for calling him ugly.
"Ugh! Dad I don't want to answer these questions yet!" Homer whined.
"Well tough! Start answering!" said Grampa.
Oscar was eagerly egging Grampa on to be a Dad and exercise his authority over Homer.
"No! Now get downstairs and stop asking questions!" Homer snapped.
"But-"
"Stop asking questions about the attic or I'll drive you straight home!" Homer snapped.
"I'll be good." Grampa whimpered.
Oscar face palmed annoyed.
Plot 2At the Kwik e Mart Dr Nick arrived.
"Hi everybody!" He greeted.
"Hi Dr Nick!" said Apu and Chief Wiggum.
They were standing by the freezer Jasper was in. Dr Nick used his stethoscope to hear his heart beat. "I hear the lub, but where's the dup?" He asked. The dup part of the double beat heart rhythm sounded. "Ah there it is!"
"You're lucky he's still alive!" Wiggum warned Apu. "He's become an attractive nuisance! Just look at all that ice cream going to waste!"
"Well we can't move him as that would kill him! And tire us out!" said Dr Nick.
"Anyway Doc, can you examine Jack Nicholson who is sitting frozen in the next freezer with all the fish sticks?" Wiggum asked.
Dr Nick examined him. There was a healthy heart beat. "He's fine. Man there's a lot of famous people freezing themselves today..." next to Jack Nicholson from the Shining, in another of Apu's freezers stood Boris Grishenko/Alan Cumming doing his Yes! I am invincible! Pose.
Apu grimaced exasperated.
"Hey look! A freezer Geezer!" said Nelson with Jimbo and Dolph for some odd reason.
"Please pay no attention to the frozen gentleman in my freezers!" said Apu.
"Ah but we want to see the ice dude!" Nelson groaned.
We'll give you a dollar!" said Jimbo.
"No! Certainly not! This is not a freak show!" said Apu.
"A dollar twenty?" Jimbo offered him a dollar and twenty cents.
Apu turned the shop into a freak show with clown music playing.
Apu was loudly announcing freak exhibits like a bag of Doritos and a can with no label on it.
There were clowns dancing to the clown music.
"Clowns are funny..." said Homer in a creepy monotone voice.
Oscar screamed and ran off.
In the Kwik-E-Mart Rod and Todd read a rude slogan on a baseball cap but Ned quickly covered their eyes.
"Hey!"
"It says show me your tie! It's cute! Come on boys..." said Ned.
"Um... where's Kearney..." Oscar asked the bullies.
"He's at home sick man!" said Jimbo.
Kearney was at home in bed sick with an illness.
Meanwhile Jasper started to thaw...
Apu gasped and turned down the temperature of the freezers to keep him frozen.
...
Lisa bored our socks off with her annoying storyline. So instead we have Homer and Bart charging into each other with pots and pans on their heads. They laughed as the head butted each other.
"Lets that again!" said Homer.
Lisa sighed.
Instead of Lisa going on about losing her intellect from her simpson gene's or something stupid, we instead cut to the next morning. Oscar is eating breakfast while Marge reads a letter.
Homer comes in.
"Look what I found!" Homer had a metal detector.
"You picked up a metal detector? Why?!" Marge asked.
"They're fun! You can find treasure with them!" said Homer.
"Homie... it would be more helpful to save money for our kids to go to college." said Marge. "And besides what are you gonna find with that besides junk."
"Some junk, some treasure! That's the fun in it! You don't know what your gonna get!" said Homer.
"Homer. You can be an idiot sometimes..." said Marge.
Homer sighed.
"Well I found an Oreo on the sidewalk. No I didn't pick it up. It's dirty." said Oscar.
"I really thought you would have ate it right off the ground." Bart said.
"Do you really think I'd do something like that?…" said Oscar.
"Not that specifically, but something like that." Bart said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Oh help me! I think I'm going through early dementia because of the Simpsons gene!" Lisa cried.
"Lisa that's ridiculous! Who told you that?!"
Everyone looks at Grampa. "Well..."
"Dad that gene is on the Y chromosome so Lisa can't get it." said Homer.
"You mean I'm not losing my intelligence?" Lisa asked.
"No sweetie, you're just having a bad day. Like daddy when he loses his keys." said Homer.
Bart smirked. "That's really comforting to Madame Dorkus..."
Homer throttled Bart.
"Actually that Simpsons gene is bungus. Bart's grades are bad because he's lazy. He could get good grades if he tries and applied himself at school. As for Homer, uh I dunno, he got a crayon stuck up his nose or something?" said Oscar.
"Yeah I think we found a crayon in Homeboy's brain once when we were visiting his imagination." said Bart.
"Wait! We don't have an alligator in a suit living in our town?!" Homer asked.
...
Homer went digging for metal items. His metal detector beeped. "Woohoo!" He dug up another metal detector. "Another metal detector? I wonder what happens if I put them together..." there is a flash and he finds himself floating in a white void. "Oh my god!"
"Did you also call into a talk show radio without turning down your radio first?" Adam West asked floating in the void with a telephone.
Homer somehow got home. Once again Marge was reading letters and Oscar was eating.
"Homer why do you still have that thing?! It's only useful for finding junk..." Marge sighed.
"Oh really? Is this junk Marge?" said Homer pointing the metal detector over Oscar's head.
"Ow..." Oscar groaned in monotone.
"No Homer... Oscar's not junk..." said Marge.
"This can't be good for my brain..." said Oscar.
Homer insisted he was keeping the metal detector.
"Du sahn bist nicht!" Oscar yelled in German before having a stroke.
"Oh my God!" Marge gasped.
They took Oscar to hospital.
"Dr Hibbert will see to him in a sec. Looks like some sort wave length radio signal from a metal detector scrambled his brain..." said a junior doctor.
Marge frowned at Homer.
"We'll this is awkward, so let me introduce one of my cousins, Boner Simpson." said Homer introducing a character BD made up.
Oscar screamed with laughter.
"Well he still has his awful sense of humour..." said Marge.
"Hehehehe... boner..." Oscar chuckled.
At Dr Hibbert's family clinic.
"Hello Lisa, Ahehehe!" The doctor chuckled.
Lisa wanted to know about her genetics and DNA.
"Well um I'm needed at the hospital. Apparently someone had a metal detector scan their head for a prolonged amount of time and it scrambled their brain," said Dr Hibbert. "Feel free to ask Nurse Lovett any questions."
There was a lady nurse. Yes they can be doctors too. Ah men can be nurses...
"Can I change my DNA? Like by sitting on the microwave?" Lisa asked.
"Not that I know of." said the nurse.
"I can change your DNA Lisa. With this DNA transmutation ray gun. I can even make you into a flying monkey." said Hugo. He had a ray gun.
"Um no thanks..." said Lisa.
...
At the Kwik-E-Mart Rich Texan comes in asking to buy Apu's ice man.
"I like to buy all kinds of useless stuff! Like a stain glass bathrobe!" said Rich Texan. We cut to Oscar wearing a bath robe made of stained glass. He walks stiffly in it because it is glass, a rigid substance.
"And the world's fattest racing horse!" said Rich Texan. We cut to an extremely fat horse eating grass. "Now I wish to buy your ice man! Name your price!"
"Oh no! Sir I could not possibly part with my ice man! He is like a father to me!" Apu explained to Rich Texan.
"Hey!" said Apu's father, Mr Apu. Or Mr Nahasapila-something.
"Shut up Dad!" Apu yelled rudely to his father.
"How a out just his head?" Rich Texan asked.
Apu pondered this. Meanwhile Jasper thaws out and wanders the store dressed as a viking.
"I have awoken in the future! At last!" Jasper finds some moon pies. Mmmmmm! Moon pie... "Moon pie. What a time to be alive..."
"Oh no! Mr Ice man! Return to your icy tomb at once!" Apu tried to stop him from leaving.
"Apu? Is that you?" Jasper asked. "Man! Time has ravaged your face!" Jasper then left the store to go back home.
At the Simpsons. They're watching a Wes Anderson artsy movie. Um Bottle Rocket as that's the only one he created at the moment.
"Wow, that was amazing, I think!" said Marge.
"All right, everyone, it's time to open up our bank statements. Let's gather 'round for prayer." said Homer with the budget for more episodes. They pray.
"Hey, God, it's the Simpsons." He started. "Again, we're very sorry we wrote hate mail, set it on fire and sent said burning hate mail to The Jetsons. We just feel we're potentially the more popular and successful franchise. We hope to be around for ever and ever. Never run out of ideas for episodes. Amen."
"PS, I still really want a snow mobile." said Bart.
Homer seethed. "You're not getting a snow mobile..."
"But right now please make sure there's funds to go to more episodes... amen." said Marge.
"Well?" She asked.
"Um looks like time for one of my get rich quick schemes that never fail!" said Homer.
"Cough! Sugar pile! Cough!" Bart coughed a word between coughs.
Homer growled at him.
"Well Lisa would like to go to a good college when she's older and Bart's too dumb to go." said Marge.
"Hey! I am not too dumb! I could ace my tests and get good grades! I'm just lazy. And for some reason the school ostracises the academic students and labels them as nerds and dorks." said Bart.
...
In hospital Oscar was being observed as he rested and the Simpsons were by his bedside.
"It appears that Oscar has had a stroke caused by holding a wireless device over his head while it was emitting! It must have fried his brain!" said Dr Hibbert.
"Well that's an improvement..." said Bart.
"Bart!" Marge yelled at him.
Homer came in with his metal detector. "Look what I found!" He pours lots of Purple Heart medals on Oscar bed.
"Purple hearts?! Homer where did you get these?!" Marge gasped.
"Some army guys were burying them! I found them in a garden with tombstones! They were buried with lots of bones!" said Homer.
"Daaaaaad! You desecrated a military cemetery!" Lisa yelled.
Suddenly lots of zombies wearing soldier uniforms bursted into the ward groaning.
The Simpsons screamed.
"Cooool!" said Oscar. The Simpsons fled chased by the zombies.
Outside. "HOMER J SIMPSON!" Marge yelled. "Are you always this irresponsible?!"
"Well..." said Homer.
"Let's not dignify that with an answer. I'm heading to the museum." said Lisa.
"That's nice dear." said Marge.
"I'm heading to that city in France that British tea biscuits which you call cookies are named after." said Hugo.
"That's Nice dear." said Marge.
"I'm gonna drive a bulldozer around town." said Bart.
Marge frowned at him.
In hospital. Oscar played with his hospital bed that can lift up for sitting and lie flat for sleeping. "Bed goes up! Bed goes down! Bed goes up! Bed goes down."
A nurse walking the ward sighed.
"Anyway we need a new B story now Jasper's is finished. I know! I get cosmetic surgery and become really, really handsome like Squidward and Mr Garrison..."
At South Park.
"Why did my nose job give me the actual live action face of David Hasselhoff?!" Mr Garrison asked.
"I don't know." said Tom of Tom's Rhinoplasty.
Plot 3At school Oscar was at his locker fetching some books from it when Sherri and Terri laughed at him and called him ugly.
"You're ugly! (Girly laugh)" Professor Farnsworth laughed a girly laugh.
Oscar bursted into tears and ran off.
Nelson did his iconic laugh as Oscar ran off crying.
He was at the Simpsons crying and being comforted.
"That's what you're replacing my story with?!" Lisa yelled.
"Lisa don't yell." said Marge.
"That's it! I'm going t o get cosmetic surgery! Because I am far to well loved to kill my self!" Oscar cried and ran off.
He went to Tom's Rhinoplasty in South Park. "A rhino shop?" he asked.
"Rhino means nose dingus!" Stan said rudely. "It's where you get a nose job..."
Oscar went in and sat in the waiting room reading magazines.
The surgeon had finished with a patient.
"There, you're all done Mr Garrison! Enjoy your new face!" said the surgeon.
Mr Garrison entered with the live action face of David Hasselhoff.
Oscar screamed and ran off knocking himself out when he bashed into a wall.
He woke up to the surgeon taking bandages off of his face.
"There you are child... your operation was a success would you like to see the results?" said the surgeon. Oscar groaned confused and saw in the mirror he was sexy/handsome teenaged Oscar from a drawing I had commissioned. He screamed. "Oh no! I'm hot!"
At dinner sexy Oscar was eating with the Simpsons.
"Uh... I feel really uncomfortable..." said Bart.
"I might go eat in the basement." Graggle said while clearly being uncomfortable.
Suddenly there were ladies outside screaming because of how incredibly handsome Oscar was.
Homer got up and furiously shut the curtains on them.
...
One morning Sexy Oscar was putting out the garbage when he was accosted by a crowd of screaming ladies who tore off his clothes.
He yelled and ran in doors.
After Oscar put on some spare clothes. It consisted of three quarter shorts and a t shirt with the same shade of blue and green triangles as his sweater.
Bart came eating a Moon Pie.
"Wanna Moon pie?" Bart asked.
"That's just an American Wagon Wheel isn't it?" Oscar asked.
"Well yeah. If you put it that way... the jammy ones are called Blood Moons." said Bart.
"Okay I'll have one. Then I have to shoot some stupid singing cartoon cacti." said Oscar.
"Uh... okay..." said Bart.
Meanwhile in the kitchen Marge and Homer were fighting off zombies, army zombies. Eventually they sealed off the house from the vengeful undead.
"Homer that metal detector has caused nothing but trouble! Get rid of it!" Marge yelled.
Homer reluctantly threw it away outside once the zombies were gone.
Bart came across it. "Ah Ha!" He took it hoping to find something useful.
Bart played with the metal detector in the garden with Lisa. They found something because it beeped.
"Oh I hope it's arrow heads!" said Lisa.
"I hope it's buried Pirate treasure! We'll split it fifty fifty! I get all the gems and jewels and pearls. You get the doubloons " said Bart.
"Bart there's no such thing as buried pirate treasure... and if there was it wouldn't be buried so far in land..." said Lisa.
"Sure there is..." said Bart.
He imagines a pirate, with a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg and an eyepatch.
"Arrrrrrrrr! Shiver me timbers! We'll bury our treasure here and dig it backup five years from now!" said a pirate captain.
"Caaaaaaaw! Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!" His parrot squawked.
"That's enough out of you Polly! Here have a cracker..." The pirate gave his parrot a cracker.
It was a tiny wooden box, containing Grampa's gun.
"It's just Grampa's gun. We better get it back to him without Mom knowing as she's anti second amendment and anti American." said Bart.
"How is being against the second amendment anti American?!" Lisa ranted.
"It reserves our right to shoot zombies." said Bart.
...
Bart and Lisa went to the old people's home to return Grampa's gun to him. Bart started using the metal detector on Grampa. It went off because it found metal. Bart wasn't expecting Grampa to be made of metal.
"That's shrapnel from the war. That's a prosthetic limb. (Metal detector beeps near his groin.) I have no idea what that is..." said Grampa.
Meanwhile at hospital Oscar had a checkup. Dr Hibbert was not expecting him to be so handsome and was stuttering.
He gave Oscar a hand mirror. Oscar admired his new self in the mirror. "He's right! I am handsome!" said Oscar. Dr Hibbert's arm shoots out of the mirror and punches Oscar in the face. "Oof! Ow!" Oscar rubs his black eye.
"Oscar, you're not handsome." said Teddy the living teddy bear at his bedside. "You're a hunk!" He squealed with delight.
Oscar left the hospital and was driven home to the Simpson's in a limousine.
"Yesterday my spine was hurting. Now I'm resting on high quality leather..." said Oscar as he and Teddy sat in the limousine.
...
In a scrap yard Bart and Lisa dug lots of holes.
"It's no use Lisa. All we've found is these ET Atari cartridges and a Jumanji board game..." said Bart.
Lisa struck something metal. "Wait I found something!" It was an old film reel. "It's an old film.
"Cooooool! If we can find an old timey film reel player we could see what's on it!" said Bart.
"There should be one at the old folks home! Let's go!" said Lisa.
"Okay but I'm keeping Jumanji..." said Bart.
...
At the old folks home they found one of those machines you play old film reels on. They put the reel in and it played. It was Casablanca but an alternative ending with Nazi assassins in it. A Nazi assassin was about to shoot Humphrey Bogart. But the black piano dude saved him by shoving the piano at the assassin and running him over.
Humphrey Bogart thanked his friend for saving him.
Then Adolf Hitler emerged from the piano to throw a grenade at them but the lady Humphrey Bogart put on a plane landed on the piano via parachute, closing it on Hitler so he blew himself up.
"It's a good thing I dropped by." said the lady.
The end!
Bart and Lisa were confused by the film.
"This film must be extremely old! I wonder who wrote it?" Lisa asked,
"Who ever they are they must be rich now!" said Bart taking the reel.
"Not exactly..." said Crazy old Jewish man.
"What's it to you?" Bart asked.
"I created that film! And it was terrible! It was made as an alternate ending to Casablanca as propaganda! But it was so hated the film industry ordered it buried!" said Crazy Old Jewish man. "Where did you find that?"
"A scrap yard?" said Bart.
"Throw it back in the ground! And never find it again! Something's are not meant to be found!" said Crazy Old Jewish man.
...
That evening at home. Bart and Homer were watching the TV.
Lisa came in.
"We're watching the TV..." said Bart in a weird manner.
"Okay..." said Lisa.
Bart and Homer had something moronic and stupid on and were guffawing at it.
Bart's stomach groaned. He felt hungry. Dinner was soon but he couldn't wait that long. "Mom fetch us some snacks... We're starving."
"Yeah honey, make with the snacks, sweetie." said Homer politely to his wife.
"No! No snacks! I'm making dinner! It's almost ready anyway." said Marge.
Bart, Lisa and Homer groaned.
"Ooooooh! If she had just made dinner a tad earlier..." Lisa groaned trying to fit in with the boys. This was when she accepted in canon that she was going dumb.
"Relax. Dad built up a secret stash..." said Bart.
He took a cushion off the couch and unzipped it. Candy bars tumbled out.
Lisa noticed they had gone soft and smooshy. "But they've melted."
Bart made a mumble as he slurped the melted bars out of their wrappers. Homer devoured them twice as fast.
Oscar winced. "That's why I always carry only a fresh supply of snacks on me. He had a candy cane, a twizzler and a candy bar in his back pocket of his shorts poking out.
"I swallowed my jewellery for safekeeping. Get me some ipecac. I'd like to expunge it." said Jurkle.
Oscar winced at Jurkle being stereotypical of a Jewish person.
Lisa looking at Bart and Homer gorging themselves on melted candy bars had a horrible imagination spot or wide awake dream where in the future she was morbidly obese lying in a hammock while her many identical kids were fighting.
"Quit it! Hey quit it! Mama's trying to watch her stories." said Lisa with a southern accent.
"Hi darling!" said Ralph as her husband.
Lisa in the present screamed and ran off.
"What's wrong Angel Pie?" Homer asked.
"Mmmmmmm! Angel pie..." said Oscar drooling.
...
The next day Oscar got a door slammed in his face.
"Oof! My nose!"
However the door slamming in his face made him even more handsome!
[Gasps] "I'm beautiful. Wait! I'm more beautiful than I've ever been!"
We zoom out on how toned and handsome he is now. Dramatic music plays.
"Look at me, world, and gag on my eleganza! Gahahahaha!" Very handsome Oscar laughed diabolically.
Milhouse grimaced exasperated.
At the Simpsons.
Marge goes through the mail.
"Bill overdue, final notice, noise complaint, traffic violation, cease and desist, restraining order from Roger Moore... Ugh what is going on with this family..." Marge sighed.
"Hey, Dad, where are you going?" Lisa asked Homer, her dad.
"Well, Lisa, now that I'm a metal detector guy, I gotta start eating breakfast at on-the-sand cafes, where I will judge tourists as my skin browns and hardens."
In said cafe at the beach.
"Stop throwin' your kid's diapers in the trash with all the soda cans!" Homer yelled.
Back at home.
"Homer! Even I throw Oscar's diapers in the general bins sometimes!" said Marge.
"Well don't! They go in the diaper pail in the bathroom!" said Homer.
"Homer enough of this metal detector fad..." Marge sighed.
Lisa sighed and went to her room and wrote in her diary.
"Dear diary. Am I dumbening diwn?" she narrated as she wrote. "Wait that's not how you spell dumbaning! Hey! Dumbaning isn't a real word!"
Lisa sighed.
"Lis you're not gradually getting dumber. Grampa's just jabbering nonsense again." said Bart.
Grampa heard him.
"Why you! I was on the front lines of the dinosaur vs human war of 1966!" Abe ranted.
Bart grimaced exasperated.
Plot 4Handsome Oscar was in the park with Inane Brian, Ace etc.
"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lab..." Brian sang.
"BUT I ATE HER!" Oscar yelled as he became Dark Oscar briefly.
Brian winced.
"Ugh. My tomato soup is getting a skin..." Ace groaned.
"Fine..." I'll eat the skin..." said Brian eating the skin off of the soup.
"I'll eat your skin!" Dark Oscar snarled.
Ace grimaced concerned.
At home.
Homer brought round all his cousins to explain the Simpsons gene.
"This is cousin Chet. Chet what do you do for a living?"
"I run an unsuccessful shrimp company." said Chet Simpson.
"Well I darn dang run a very successful shrimp company that I started with my black friend who died in Vietnam." said Forrest Gump.
Homer grimaced exasperated.