Chapter Thirteen: The Hunting Question - Edward

"I watched you suffer. A dull aching pain. Now you've decided. To show me the same. No sweeping exits. Or offstage lines. Could make me feel bitter. Or treat you unkind. Wild horses. Couldn't drag me away." - Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I could hear hollow echoes reverberate off the canyon walls a thousand times over. The natural formation was beautiful, and only a handful of people had ever seen it. The striations and layers of rock told a story so old it made me feel young. I couldn't understand how I had come to this point in my life. A year ago, I was fine. Lonely, but fine. Then everything changed when she arrived.

Bella, Isabella, Isabella Marie Swan, Isabella Marie Swan-Cullen. My future wife… in my hopes and dreams at least. I had spent the last year with Bella in my life. Despite her situation, and my guilt, they were the happiest days of my life. Then suddenly she was an immortal, and for an instant I thought I could capture that happiness and keep a hold of it forever.

Then she broke up with me, yet as she said the words that broke my heart all I could hear was her new voice, beautiful like a perfectly tuned violin, lilting and melodic. Then the content of her words sunk deep down, where they became permanently etched onto what remained of my soul.

She was polite and gracious, and I could totally understand why she didn't love me, but deep in my heart I had hoped she was. I wanted her so much it physically hurt. Her mere presence was overwhelming. The burn I felt for her was nearly as painful as my thirst.

I vaguely heard everyone quietly shuffle out of the room after I left, the only ones that lingered were Rose and Alice, although they did eventually leave as well. I paused only long enough to listen for a few seconds in the vain hope she might change her mind, everyone giving me sympathetic looks which I couldn't tolerate. So I took off, half tempted to return to Denali and take Tanya up on her offer.

What stopped me, stilled my feet at barely a hundred meters out was the truth of my actions. She had to know everything, so reluctantly I ran back and up to the room she would eventually call her own. I knocked and she immediately beckoned me to come in.

"Bella, I will leave you alone soon, but there are things we need to discuss first. Part of it is what you just went through and the many changes you will need to adjust to." I explained, but then found myself just looking at her in awe.

"What, is there something on my face?" She gave me a curious look, and it made me laugh as I started to shake my head.

"Not at all. It's just, you are so beautiful, of course you were always beautiful, but I cannot express in words how absolutely gorgeous you are now." I regretted my wording immediately, it was no longer my place to compliment her in such a familiar way.

"I get that you love me, but seriously Edward I am far from gorgeous." She frowned a little, and gave a soft head shake. I had forgotten her self image was so poor, and that self depreciation was deeply ingrained, probably formed even before the accident.

"I see, well perhaps you should turn that mirror around." I pointed towards the far corner of the room where Alice had set up a full length mirror in case Bella wanted to see herself. Bella smirked and started to turn towards the mirror. "Brace yourself, this will be a shock." I warned, and she glanced back at me frowning slightly, but nodded once, this time with a little less certainty.

She flipped it around and as her reflection came into view she audibly gasped. She brought her hand to her face, and then reached out to the mirror and traced the new lines of her face. "Who am I? That can't be me." She turned towards me with concern, "what happened to my eyes?" She turned back and continued to touch her new face with awe and shock and although she seemed only a little bit distressed, it was obvious the change was a little too much too soon. I moved over and gently pulled her away from the mirror and turned her to face me.

"You need time, your eyes are like all newborn vampires. For the rest of our kind the color darkens over time, as the last of your human blood is consumed by your body. For us, amber hues will begin to show in about two months." She nodded, and then looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Now that I'm here, I was hoping that you could tell me some of the things you couldn't before. Like is it true you can read minds, and was Rosalie actually a teacher? Or more importantly, what really happened to your sister?" She was considering me thoughtfully, and while I didn't see the twinkle in her eye that she once had when we first started to date, she didn't seem to dislike or hate me. Which felt like a relief, because even a friendship with her would be enough for me. Yet the question felt impossible to answer, it was something I hadn't even told Carlisle and Esme. So I chose to break it down, perhaps coming to my sister last would be easier.

"Yes, I can hear the thoughts of every mind I have ever encountered, except for yours." I examined her face trying to figure her out. Whatever was keeping me out of her mind was even stronger now, before it was like a dead zone where her mind should be, now it was almost painful to direct my gift her way.

"Bullshit." She burst out incredulously.

"It's true, even when you were human I could not read you, that's partially why I asked so many questions. There has never been a mystery to me like you." I had wanted to tell her so many times, but at least I no longer had to hide the truth or evade her questions anymore.

"Huh, so I'm a freak." She looked actually upset, and I immediately started to shake my head.

"I tell you I can read minds, and you believe that you're a freak. We think you have a gift, like mine." I tried to explain, but I must've phrased it wrong because she tilted her head and gave me a look of confusion.

Then her eyes widened. "Will I be able to read minds?" She sounded almost excited by the prospect.

"Well, no. I didn't mean your gift is like mine. I meant you have a gift as well, although we do not know what it is." She deflated some, but nodded slowly as she absorbed that she was special. "As for Rosalie, yes she has been a teacher and I imagine she will be one again someday."

"And your sister?" She pushed, and I sighed once before launching into my story.

"My life hasn't been all virtuous, and there are things I haven't told anyone, even my family. Although I guess now is as good a time as any." She smiled and nodded at me to go on. "A few years after Carlisle turned me, I rebelled and actively spent time as a killer. While I had given Carlisle the excuse that I needed to know how the other half lived, in reality it was far more personal. By chance, I stumbled upon my sister's obituary. She was only thirty-five. She was found half eaten by rats in an alleyway. Her body beaten and discarded after a brutal rape. The police had a couple of suspects, but forensic capabilities at the time were spotty at best." I could see the pain on Bella's face, and she almost reached out to touch my arm in a show of sympathy and comfort, but pulled away and crossed her arms over her chest instead.

"What did you do? I mean, I would've tried to track the asshole who killed her and beat him to death." She looked angry and resolute, and I had no doubt of the veracity of her statement.

"That's exactly what I did, well, I didn't beat him to death. I took my time, vetted the man and even found a way to extract the details from his mind during a casual conversation at a bar. As we spoke over a pint of beer, his thoughts betrayed what he did to her. It was senseless and brutal, and I could hear the echoes of her last words playing in his mind again and again. He felt remorse, but also cherished the memory as something he was actually proud of. As you can imagine, I lost it, reaching out and consuming him. In that instant I was a monster, so I committed to that monstrous impulse." I paused as I heard Esme gasp and Carlisle whisper something to her. Bella looked towards them almost in shock.

"I can hear so much. My god, nothing in this house is private is it?" Her eyes were wide and somewhat panicked.

"Not really." I said with a strained smile.

"Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt you. What happened next?" She said turning her focus on me again. That's when it dawned on me that she was exceptionally well controlled. Her eyes were clear and there wasn't a hint of newborn rage.

"I killed twenty-six men after that, all of them murderers who were never caught or the system had deemed innocent but were ready to kill again. Yet even then, the loss of life got to me after a time and I stopped." I expected my confession to shake her, but she just gave me a smile of sympathy.

"You probably saved lives." She said in an attempt to soften my likely obvious self-hatred. "You know there was a book I read last year that was kind of like that. Although I can't think of the name…" She looked up as though trying to search for the memory and then blinked and her face fell flat for a moment. When she looked back at me her expression was unreadable. "I remember everything. I don't understand."

"We have perfect recall, and that extends to our human memories." I explained and she nodded absently.

"What's the book called?" Emmett called from the living room and I glanced towards the door with a touch of anger. Bella turned and started to chuckle.

"Darkly Dreaming Dexter, it's about a vigilante serial killer who only goes after criminals." She said, speaking directly towards the wall.

"Neat, yeah that sounds like our Eddie." Emmett said through a laugh.

"Emmett." Rosalie scolded quietly.

"Sorry." Emmett said in his mental voice which only I could hear.

I thought about it for a few seconds, gathering myself before responding to her last point. "Perhaps my actions saved some lives, but there is no way to know if by killing those men I actually made any difference. My dark deeds could never be balanced by the unintended consequences of those lives being extinguished."

"Consequences." She frowned at me and shook her head slightly. "So that's your original sin, and why you're so virtuous it's painful?"

"Yes, and until now the family believed it was just a choice I made." I felt shame for hiding it so long, which made me feel even worse for the next thing I had to reveal. She still didn't know about my involvement in the accident, but how could I tell her?

"Why? Does that even matter?" She looked a bit confused, but also incredulous as if the difference was only in my mind.

"It alters the reason. I became a monster because I succumbed to my need for revenge, not for some philosophical curiosity about the nature of being an apex predator." I hoped she would get the difference but she shook her head again.

"You didn't want them to know you're human?" Her response made me frown, and my expression grew impatient and angry. Why was she fighting this so hard, what possible reason could she have for trying to disassemble my closely held beliefs?

"We're not human, that's the material point. If I am capable of murder when emotional, what is to stop me from killing randomly?" My actions spoke to the nature of my internal beast. What I was capable of doing. I was a murderer, and from a certain point of view a serial killer. Yet in my world my actions barely raised an eyebrow.

"Edward, that's just stupid. It's a choice, you took revenge on your sister's murderer, and unlike most you had incontrovertible proof that he had done it. I cannot imagine many people would hesitate after what he had done, I know I wouldn't have." Her argument was valid, but to me it felt like an excuse.

"Angela would have." I countered, hoping using the name would make her see the point.

"Well, she's Angela. Not all of us can be heroes." She shook her head and actually looked down in shame.

"Is that how you view her?" I asked in curiosity, I had thought I understood their friendship. Perhaps there were deeper layers I wasn't aware of.

"I don't know if she saved my life, but she risked her own life to try. I know I'm not that kind of person. I'm not the dashing hero type at all." She said with a very matter of fact tone of voice. It made me realize this was something she had thought about before. She had asked herself the question of whether she would act in that same situation, and her answer was no. It was an impossible thing to internalize, something I knew all too well.

"Neither am I." My admission went over her head, which drove home the fact that I had to tell the truth now, before it was too late. "I'll admit I was gone by that point, although I did hear about what she did." I paused briefly to prepare myself. Then I realized I couldn't just blurt it out. "So, there is one more thing I need to tell you." I said, holding back the frown I was feeling. Her own frown deepened and she cocked her head at me waiting for me to continue.

"Perhaps we should go out to hunt, you need to feed; it must be torture." I suggested. She turned her head upwards a little and touched her throat.

"I hadn't been hungry until you just said something, now all I can feel is something burning in my throat, it's a little like the other fire, only a lot more localized and nowhere near as intense." She finally looked a bit like a newborn.

"Please let's go hunt and then I have a gift for you, my love. Afterwards we can do anything you like." She sighed and I opened the balcony door and hopped up onto the railing, turning and beckoning her to join me. She stepped out cautiously, and took my hand helping her up onto the thin metal. Then we jumped to the ground and she let out a blast of joyful giggles as she landed. As we approached the nearby river, she looked at it nervously and turned to me shaking her head.

"That's impossible." She looked at the turbulent water with skepticism. I grinned at her and disentangled my hand from hers, wondering if it would be the last time I would ever touch her. Then I measured the distance and jumped in a shallow arc to land softly on the other bank of the river.

"Okay, right. There is no spoon." She gulped and backed up a dozen feet or so. "I'm going to give it a running start." Her eyes widened and then she ran full tilt towards the water. For a second I thought she was going to run right in, but at the last second, she jumped. It wasn't like my leap; it was much further and far more agile. She landed just inside the tree line laughing like a loon the entire way. A few seconds later I heard her shout. "I think I overshot a little."

I laughed as I caught up with her. She was up in a tree. Her midnight blue silk dress was ripped along the seam line of her right leg. I was grateful that I had at least been able to talk Alice out of giving her heels. Alice had pouted but couldn't deny my logic, that giving an ex-paraplegic a pair of high heels on her first day with new legs was a bad idea. Instead she chose a simple black patent leather flat with a tasteful silver buckle. Knowing Bella, I doubt she even noticed them.

"So where to, mighty hunter?" She jumped down to the soft ground beside me and smiled gently at her perfect landing. "I have to say my coordination has improved dramatically."

"This way." I led her into the forest for her first hunt. For twenty minutes we didn't speak, as I showed her how to track prey. She seemed lost, as if her instincts were suppressed.

"You need to use your sense of smell; it is one of your primary senses for hunting. It is also important to judge danger. You'll be able to separate out different scents in time, but first try to find the animal whose trail we've been following." I explained, and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The large buck we had been tracking was close, and she almost immediately took off after it. I watched from a distance as she approached and took down her first kill. She was aggressive but made sure she was quick, so the animal didn't suffer.

"Wonderful my love!" I said after she was done, before catching myself. "Sorry, this is still new for me."

"You shouldn't be the one forced to do this, I'm sorry." She frowned heavily and clicked her teeth together a few times.

"No, you're right. You should sit, what I'm about to tell you will be hard to hear. She furrowed her brow but followed my suggestion, gracefully sitting on top of a downed tree log with her legs folded under her. "We're ex, so this will be easier I imagine, or maybe…"

"Just spit it out." She said with a touch of frustration in her voice.

I took a deep breath not that I needed the oxygen, and locked my eyes with hers. "I made a choice. The day of the crash, I put my family above you. I didn't immediately act, when I could've stopped the van from hurting you at all. But I hesitated and only prevented the fatal injuries. Can you believe that I've regretted that choice every second of every day since?" She blinked at me and lowered her gaze to stare at a rock partially buried beneath the tree she was perched on.

"No. You can't be telling me that." She started to shake, and leveled at me an expression of hatred I didn't think she was capable of feeling.

"Bella, I'm sor…" I started, but she shook her head.

"No! You do not get to apologize. You hurt me. You crushed me and took away my legs. Do you have any idea what I've been through? How humiliating, how painful? I had to carry around a bag with my shit and piss in it because I had no control over my lower body. I wouldn't ever have been able to carry a child to term. Or enjoy sex. I would've died in my twenties after years of struggling to breathe, and countless more surgeries. Now, I'm fixed. Sure, your father gave me my legs back, but I lost my fucking family. I'm never going to talk to my mother or father ever again." She stopped and wiped at her face before realizing that no tears were falling.

"What? I can't even cry now?" I felt myself backing up from her, the words all too real. I already knew all of it, what she had to endure, I just never thought of her as suffering.

"I'll leave and you'll never have to see me again." I said, unable to look at her.

"Coward." She spat back at me. That forced me to look up again.

"I don't understand." I looked at her in confusion and heartbreak.

"I don't know if I can forgive you, I don't know how I feel anymore. You destroyed my trust, but if you leave right now, it only proves to me that you're not worth it. If you can't be bothered to fight for me, then leave. I won't miss you." Bella's eyes were intense, furious and her nostrils flared as she spoke.

"If there is a chance, I'm not going anywhere." I said resolutely.

"Good, now get out of my sight!" She yelled and aggressively motioned towards a random direction and waited for me to leave. I felt the same emotional devastation from earlier, but ten fold. Yet I understood that she couldn't stand to be in my presence anymore. I turned and ran, ending up in my favorite place in the world. Yet even the beauty of the canyon was lost on me. I had no idea what the future held, or if she would ever forgive me, but I was never going to stop loving her regardless of her feelings.

Author's Note:

I really thought about ways of stretching out this chapter, but honestly everything that needs to be in it is already there. To add would be to pad it out, and that seems silly. Edward in this version isn't an overbearing asshat, because I just couldn't bring myself to write him that way (again).

Edwards POV voice is definitely the most infrequent among my main characters, but seeing his point of view is important to the narrative.

Next Chapter: An Unexpected Party - Alice

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