Chapter 2

Chris shifted with a grunt. His back was stiff. He opened his eyes to pale morning sun coming into his living room. He was on his couch. That explained the stiff back.

He pushed up to sitting with a grunt and looked at the open bottles lining the coffee table.

No. His chest squeezed with regret.

The night before came back to him. Lips over his, gentle touches warming his skin, whispers of reassurance that he would be alright.

Ellie.

A curse burst from Chris and his feet hit the floor. He looked around the empty room. He jerked at the blanket that was still tangled around him as he stood, finally freeing himself and flinging it to the side.

He found his jeans and pulled them on. The other jeans on the floor were Ellie's. Her shoes were kicked off on the other side of the room, her t-shirt still in a heap next to the couch.

For a second, Chris remembered her tossing the shirt aside, and how his body had responded to her giving everything she had to him.

"Damn it," he ground out, shoving that thought from his mind. This was Ellie. The girl he had known for years. The girl he had tried to look out for. The girl who was Buck's sister.

Another curse and Chris rounded the corner into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw Ellie there.

She had her back to him, in nothing but his t-shirt. She turned at the sound of his curse, a steaming coffee mug in her hand.

Chris tried to avoid looking at her legs. Legs he had never noticed before now.

"Morning," Ellie said, as if everything was fine. As if everything was normal. But Chris saw the slight uncertainty in the way she shifted her shoulders.

"What—" Chris started and then didn't know what to say. How to make things right. To undo what he had done. Another curse and he dragged his hand through his hair.

Ellie set the mug aside, her eyes softening. She crossed toward him and Chris took a quick step back.

"Don't," he said.

Ellie stopped.

"What happened…" Chris tried to clear his throat.

"What happened was special," Ellie said softly.

Chris jolted at her words, then shook his head sharply. "I shouldn't have let it."

Ellie's expression shifted and she approached him again, but this time she didn't stop. Her fingers ghosted across his skin. "You didn't do anything wrong," she said.

Chris wanted to snap at her to stay clear of him, but then he saw the hint of uncertainty and tried to choose his words.

"That shouldn't have happened," was all he could manage.

Ellie's long blond hair hung in loose waves around her face, making her look more innocent. Too innocent to be standing so close to Chris. He said so.

One side of her mouth quirked. "I don't think you can call me innocent after last night," she said.

Chris didn't see how she could find humor in what he had allowed to happen. "That's not funny."

Ellie studied him and Chris fought the urge to squirm.

"What happened?" Ellie asked gently. She looked up at him, her hands resting on his shoulders. Chris wanted to close his eyes and draw the comfort that seemed so innate in her.

Instead he tried to shrug away from her touch.

"You know what happened," he said. "We were drinking and I didn't stop things."

Ellie shook her head, not letting him pull away. "That's not what I meant."

Chris felt like the earth was crumbling under his feet. He wasn't going to talk about that. He wasn't going to bring up those memories.

"Over there. In Syria," Ellie pressed. "What happened?"

"There's nothing to talk about," he said.

"Ok," Ellie said softly. She moved a step closer. "We won't talk about it." She moved a hand to his face, gently stroking his cheek.

It took everything in Chris not to lean against the softness of her palm. He shook himself and jerked away.

"We're not doing this," he said sharply.

Ellie pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. "I think it's too late for that," she said. "We already did this."

"Yeah, on my couch," Chris hurled the words with all the guilt and pain in him. It wasn't just guilt at what had happened between them. It was guilt that he had enjoyed it. That, for just one night, he had been able to forget the demons he was running from and find comfort in her touch. "You deserve better than some man taking advantage of you on a couch!"

Ire flashed in Ellie's eyes. "No one took advantage of me," she informed him, narrowing her eyes. "I'm fully capable of making my own decisions."

Chris doubted that if it meant her decisions led to her under him on his couch.

Then Ellie softened again. "Chris," she said. "Don't do this. Don't ruin what happened."

"It shouldn't have happened," Chris said yet again. But there was less force behind the words this time.

"Yeah, well saying that's kind of like closing the barn door after the cows need to be milked," Ellie said.

Chris shook his head in confusion. That wasn't the right saying, but he wasn't about to correct Ellie right now.

"Let me be here for you," Ellie said. She moved closer again, until she was looking up at him and could press a kiss to his jaw. "It's ok, Chris," she said. Another kiss. "Let me hold you."

Chris knew he should refuse. This was his friend's sister. This was Ellie. But this time, the excuses had loss their urgency. When she so close to him, the lemon scent of her hair erasing the smell of gunpowder and the comforting words she whispered drowning out the screams he had been living with, Chris couldn't drag himself away. He took what she offered, knowing he was too broken to ever give her anything in return. And hating himself for that.

#

"You heard from Chris?" Buck asked Vin.

Vin shook his head. Buck tried to ignore how late Chris was. They were supposed to be meeting the newest member of their team and since Chris was the leader of their small unit, he was supposed to be there.

Buck hadn't heard from Chris in the two days since Chris had left the bar. He hadn't been able to get a hold of him, but hadn't pushed, knowing Chris had needed space since they had got back stateside a couple months earlier.

The door to their conference room opened and Buck looked up, half expecting the new recruit. Instead it was Chris.

"Sorry," Chris muttered gruffly with a glance at the clock.

Buck hadn't known Chris to be late for anything before. "Everything alright?" he asked.

Chris looked at Buck, held his gaze for a beat then looked away. "Fine," he answered.

Buck studied his long time friend. Chris took one of the empty chairs and grabbed one of the bottled waters in the center of the table. Chris looked…different. Something in his movements, or maybe it was his expression.

Chris looked over and caught Buck staring at him. "What?" he asked.

Buck frowned, then shook his head. "Nothing."

It was Chris' eyes. He didn't look like a man on the run, waiting to be overtaken by the memories that chased him.

Buck let out a long breath. One he felt like he had been holding for two months. Whatever Chris had done to find some peace, Buck was glad. Whatever it took to ease the man's soul.

"This new guy here yet?" Chris asked.

"Not that any of us have seen," Nathan said.

Chris took a drink from his water and Buck got the odd feeling that Chris was avoiding looking his way again.

Before Buck could ask Chris about it, the door to the conference room opened and Orren Travis came in.

None of the men stood to salute the senior officer, having served with him long enough that they had long since abandoned formalities. A dark haired kid came in behind him.

And that's really all he was-a kid. He couldn't have been more than twenty years old.

"Men," Travis said, motioning the kid forward. "This is Jonathon Dunne."

"JD," the kid said, breaking into an eager grin. "You can call me JD."

Buck turned accusing eyes on Travis. Travis knew what had happened on their last tour. He had been the one who had mandated the psychiatric evaluations for them after they had lost Stephen in action. And now he was going to send a kid over there with them?

Buck started shaking his head, but Chris beat Buck to it.

"No."

Travis lifted his eyebrows. "What?"

Chris looked at the kid with hard eyes and then back to Travis. "We're not taking him with us. No offense, kid," he offered as an afterthought.

"Chris, I know it's hard when there's a change in the team," Travis said.

"You know what can happen over there," Chris said harshly. "We're not taking some untested kid into that."

Buck saw Nathan and Josiah nodding in agreement.

"Petty Officer Dunne is not untested," Travis said. "He finished second in his class of SEAL training and had excellent—"

"Has he seen action?" Chris asked.

Travis pressed his lips together.

Chris sat back in his chair as if the matter was settled.

Buck looked at the kid. He didn't look deterred. Something that just made Buck more convinced this JD Dunne had no clue what he was up against.

"Chris," Travis said, taking a step closer to the table, drawing his aging shoulders back into the posture a man of his authority usually used. "This isn't a democracy. There is no vote, no room for dissent, no discussion. Petty Officer Dunne is your new teammate. If you have concerns about his training, you have four days to fix that before you are on a plane to Syria."

With that proclamation, Travis gave them each a hard look and left the room.

JD's smile faltered briefly.

Chris studied the new man. His jaw worked.

"This is bull," he declared. He shoved his chair back. Without another word, he left the room.

JD looked after him and took a step like he was going to go after him. But then turned and looked uncertainly at the other men.

Josiah sighed. "I'll talk to him. We'll meet you over at The Watering Hole. Welcome aboard, Son," he said, holding out a hand to JD.

Eagerness already returning, JD shook Josiah's hand enthusiastically.

Buck bit his tongue to keep from saying anything more. But he'd be damned if he warmed to the kid. Not when it was obvious the kid had no chance of making it back alive. Stephen hadn't, and he had been one of the best SEALs Buck had ever served with.

Buck knew he wouldn't survive losing another teammate.

#

Ellie rolled her shoulders, glad to be done with work. She didn't love being a receptionist, but it paid the bills. She dropped onto a stool at the bar counter when she didn't see Buck or any of the rest of the team in the bar they frequented. She smiled at the bartender and ordered a burger and a beer before pulling out her phone to see if Buck was around. Or Chris.

She paused before opening the app to text.

She had spent two nights at Chris' before having to leaveShe hadn't heard from him since she had headed to her own apartment last night. She had needed clean clothes before going back to the dental clinic this morning where she worked the front desk. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she took note of the lack of texts.

Not that she really expected to hear from Chris. That wasn't exactly his style. But a meaningless fling was his style either.

Ellie's cheeks puffed out as she blew out a breath. This wasn't meaningless to her. Not at all. What had happened with Chris…

Ok, so she didn't really know what to think of it. But she knew that she felt deeply for Chris. She always had. And it had just seemed so natural to reach for him when she saw the pain he was carrying, to try to carry it with him in the only way she knew how.

She really hoped she hadn't made a huge mistake. If she lost Chris because of that one impulsive decision—one decision that had led to two days in bed together—she would never forgive herself. She didn't know how to regret what had happened, not when it had been the most perfect couple days, but she sure didn't know where they were supposed to go from here.

The bartender set her burger in front of her and Ellie thanked him, dragging herself away from the memories that were framed in a golden glow in her mind.

"This seat taken?"

Ellie looked up from her nearly empty plate to the guy who sat next to her.

"I guess it is now," she said good-naturedly.

"You want another?" he asked, motioning to her beer.

"I'm good," Ellie waved away the offer. She pulled some cash from her jeans and set it on the counter to cover the meal. She wondered if she should call Chris. But she didn't want to corner him. Not when he already looked like he was running from whatever had happened on their last deployment.

"You want to dance?" the guys asked. He raised his eyebrows and smiled, his boy next door looks coming out in full force.

Ellie pretended to think it over, enjoying the twinkle in his eye at her obvious act. Anything would be better than going home and worrying about Chris. Debating what she should do. And missing him.

"Sure," she agreed.

She couldn't hear what his name was over the music that was already blasting, in spite of it being a Monday evening. But it didn't matter. He was easy company. No pressure, no overthinking things. Just dance, grab a beer. Another dance.

But her mind wasn't on him and his artfully messed blond hair. She was thinking of Chris. His hair rumpled in the morning when he looked over at her in his bed. The apology starting in his eyes for what had happened again, and Ellie reaching up for him before the apology could make it to his lips. Reassuring him without words that she had made up her mind and there wouldn't be any regrets.

She shook herself again. Ellie tried to listen to what the guy was saying, leaning closer to her ear so she could hear him over the music. She smiled at the joke he made, laughing at the comment about the two guys playing pool who really did look like they had robbed a bank on their way to the bar.

She looped her arms loosely around his neck, pretending she didn't compare the feel of his hands on her back touches from Chris.

If Chris needed space, she could give him space.

#

Chris knew agreeing with Josiah was a bad idea. He had known it as soon as the words left his mouth, saying he'd come out with the team to The Watering Hole. He was the team leader and needed to pull it together before they got overseas. He shoved down the memories and acted like he still had emotions left in him when he went to meet Josiah and the rest of the team.

But as soon as he walked into the bar, he regretted agreeing to the night out with everything in him.

The first thing he saw as he went to their regular table was Ellie.

How he had known her for as many years as he had and never had his heart slam to a stop in his chest at the sight of her before now, he would never know.

Her eyes glittered, a pale hazel that shone with her love of life even from this distance. But they weren't looking at Chris.

She was smiling at some man she was dancing with, looking up at him as he told her a story.

Chris' stomach knotted and he had the overwhelming urge to go over there and drag that guy and his too-practiced smile—and his hands—off of Ellie.

Instead, Chris went to the table, took a chair, and glared at the newest team member.

JD's eyes widened at the expression on Chris' face and he looked helplessly at the rest of the team.

"You want to ask JD about himself, Chris?" Nathan said pointedly. He gave Chris a look that clearly meant don't scare the kid off.

Chris glanced at him, then back at JD. "Who's that dancing with Ellie?" he asked Buck, ignoring the kid for now.

Buck shook his head with a soft snort of amusement. "Who knows. She finds someone to make nice with wherever she goes." Buck flagged down a waitress. "Lucky she's got a good head on her shoulders and doesn't actually go home with any of these guys."

Chris held back a snort of his own that was decidedly less good-natured. He knew exactly how likely Ellie was to go home with the worst possible choice.

Chris took the beer the waitress brought over to him and remained silent, trying to listen to Nathan, Vin, and Josiah get to know JD. The over eager young man was about to become Chris' responsibility and it would be necessary to know what made him tick. And what might make him freeze. What could make him panic.

Chris took a long drink of the ice cold beer, trying to force the liquid past the solid rock lodged in his throat.

He watched as the man brushed a hand over Ellie's back before pulling her in closer and saying something to her.

Ellie gave the man an unimpressed look, but laughed.

Chris imagined how satisfying it would be to dismember the man one limb at a time.

The man and Ellie turned slightly and Ellie met Chris' eyes over the man's shoulder.

The laughter faded from her face, her eyes softening in the shadowed lighting of the bar.

She said something to the man, Chris could tell it was some sort of distracted excuse, her eyes staying on Chris, as she left the man without looking back.

Chris didn't want his body to respond to Ellie when she took the empty chair next to him. More than that, he didn't want the fiery pain that had been his constant companion for months to be tempered by her presence.

"Hey," she greeted the table at large, but her eyes lingered on Chris.

Chris turned his attention back to his beer.

"You gonna invite your boy toy over here?" Buck teased.

Ellie answered Buck with a good-natured wink. Then she gave Chris' arm a light squeeze.

"Hey," she said softly, a greeting just for him.

"Hey," he answered. He risked a glance at her. Her full lips quirked like there was a private joke between just the two of them.

And there was. His treatment of her was a joke. She deserved so much more than anything he could give her.

Ellie's brow wrinkled slightly in concern at the look on his face and Chris turned back to his beer.

Her hand was still on his forearm and she slid her hand down over his, linking her fingers with his briefly and saying she understood, but didn't agree with the sentiment, spoken with a silent clasp of his hand.

Pulling her hand away before anyone would notice, Ellie turned to JD. "Is this the new guy?" Ellie asked. She looked completely at ease. But she clearly had some sort of sense about the turmoil in Chris as her foot shifted close to his under the table, her leg pressed against his.

Chris slammed his bottle down on the table harder than he intended. Ellie gave him a sideways look with a mischievous smirk before leaning forward, elbows on the table to talk to JD.

"I'm JD Dunne," he said. "SEAL Team 7, with these guys."

Ellie was too kind to make the kid's obvious boasting a joke. "I'm Buck's sister," she said.

Chris missed whatever JD responded because while Ellie listened to him, she propped her chin on her hand, listening intently, but her free hand went to his thigh under the table.

There was nothing provocative in her touch. It was just warm. A silent show of support to Chris. Like she somehow knew taking on responsibility for some young kid with stars in his eyes could break what was left of Chris' soul if anything went wrong.

Ellie didn't move her hand as she leaned around Chris to tease Vin.

The easy banter swirled around Chris. It only served to highlight how much he cared about these men. His brothers. And how much the responsibility for them weighed on his shoulders.

Chris took the last drink from his bottle.

Ellie leaned in toward Chris and lowered her voice. "Do you want to get out of here?" she asked.

No. Chris shouldn't want to leave with her.

"Come on," she whispered, her compassion drowning out everything around them. "I'll meet you out at the ranch."

Ellie stood. The absence of her nearness was an empty void next to Chris.

"You leavin' already?" Buck asked.

"Some of us have to work this week," she said in mock annoyance. "We're not all on leave." She pushed in her chair. "But I'll be over to use your laundry room this week."

"Of course you will," Buck said. "Drive safe," he said. "Text me when you get home.

"Sure, Bucko," Ellie agreed easily.

She brushed her fingers briefly across the back of Chris' neck as she said her goodbyes to the rest of the men.

As soon as her fingers were gone, leaving his skin tingling, Chris shoved his own chair back and tossed some cash on the table to cover his single beer.

"You goin' too, Cowboy?" Vin asked.

"I'll see you tomorrow at the shooting range," Chris said.

He knew Vin's need to make sure Ellie was safe and gave him a nod that he would make sure Ellie got to her car safely.

Ellie was waiting for him outside.

She stood in front of him, tilting her head back to look up at him, her blonde hair falling down her back. She didn't say anything.

"You know this is a bad idea," Chris said.

"You'll never convince me of that," she said certainly.

Chris doubtfully moved a hand to her face. Her skin was soft against his palm. A touch of something good and delicate in the middle of a world that had been nothing but hurt and pain and disaster.

She let him move his hand over her cheek, letting him draw on her goodness, closing her eyes like she enjoyed the touch.

Chris' other hand went to cup her face and he looked down at her.

She was beautiful.

He found her lips and it was like a refuge.

Ellie's hands moved to his chest, her touch light, then slowly curling fists into his shirt as her kisses grew desperate.

The door to the bar opened, the noise from inside registering in some part of Chris' mind that was still working and he jerked away from Ellie.

He didn't recognize the couple that came out into the parking lot, and the couple didn't look in Chris and Ellie's direction.

Ellie looked up at Chris like she trusted him. Chris wanted to tell her he couldn't be trusted and she should have figured that out by now.

"You want me to ride with you?" she asked.

Chris gave a short nod and Ellie tucked herself against his side to walk to his truck.

Chris took the comfort that chased away the lonely despair.

#