Ldub: Thanks for reviewing! Charlotte's headed down a pretty bad path and definitely needs some kind of course-correction. I think she's just given up trying to correct herself. Snape has become more and more important, and I think...he's almost just Severus to her now

PineappleBearr: Thanks for reviewing! I get being frustrated with them, but I understand where they're coming from. Charlotte was in the DA but then disappeared with the Death Eaters after Dumbledore's death, and when she returned, she's being weird about joining the DA again. And she's in Slytherin, which automatically makes certain people wary of her. I don't think it's self-control so much as apathy. I think she doesn't care enough right now to fight back about it

CHAPTER 18

I'm sitting in the Great Hall, away from the second-years—except for Jacob who's missing—and the Greengrass sisters and Malcolm. After this first week they seem reluctant to even attempt speaking with me. Every night, when I retire early, Daphne follows me, sits on the edge of my bed, and rambles on about her day, despite my curt commands for her to leave me alone. She will continue speaking until I fall into a fitful sleep, and then I don't know what she does. But she's never there when I awaken in the middle of the night, and as much as I hate to admit, it's much harder to fall back asleep when she's not there watching over me. And she acts during the day as if she doesn't speak to me at night, so I don't really know what's going on with her.

I glance down the table at her and my other friends, all of whom I have successfully pushed away and removed from danger. None of them look in my direction. McGonagall sits at the staff table, chatting with Sprout. If only they knew the truth behind my actions, they would forgive me for trying to stay away from them.

Before I have a chance to begin dwelling on my frustrations about my current lot in life, someone taps on my shoulder. I look over and find Jacob's curious brown eyes watching me. "Please don't try—"

"I wouldn't be over here if I didn't have to be," he cuts me off coolly.

"What do you want?"

"I have a note for Charlotte Rodgers. You are in fact Charlotte Rodgers, aren't you?" I snatch the note from his hand. "Because sometimes I can't be sure." He walks away without another word. My throat tightens when he takes a seat next to Astoria. I look away and unroll the paper.

Charlotte,

Come to my office at seven tomorrow. Yes, in the morning.

Professor Snape

I groan. I'm really beginning to think that he simply enjoys making me wake up early. However, I'm only frustrated for a short amount of time before I realize this is most likely our first lesson against the Imperius Curse. My frustration gives way for gratefulness, and I tuck the note into my robes before standing and retreating from the Great Hall, not looking back at any of my friends or McGonagall.

Instead, because it's Saturday and I have no responsibilities until tomorrow morning—at the crack of dawn, thanks to Sev-Snape—I walk to the Slytherin Dungeon, climb the steps to the dormitories, and slide into my bed, where I close my eyes and plan to stay the rest of the day.

Part of me wonders what it would take to get in contact with Bellatrix. Now that I'm trapped in the castle, I find myself wanting to spend more time with her, maybe for the sake of getting away from Hogwarts, maybe just because I miss my mum, but I'm unsure my true reasoning. I just know that I want to go to Malfoy Manor and spend the day with her.

Unfortunately, that's not an option. And I can only imagine what Snape would say if I asked to go see her again. He was nice enough about it before we left for the castle, but I doubt he'd take too kindly to the fact that I still want to spend more time with her.

Resigned to my fate of being trapped inside the castle until I'm called away to Malfoy Manor—not that I'm looking forward to that—I close my eyes and let myself rest the best I can without letting myself fall asleep back into those nightmares. I do not move from the dormitory until the next morning when I force myself to get out of bed and get ready for my first Imperius Curse defense lesson.

As I make my way to the Headmaster's Tower under the Disillusionment Charm, I can't help but wonder what the previous headmasters will think about the current headmaster using an Unforgivable Curse against a student.

I turn the corner and see Neville standing in the corridor writing in big, bold letters, Dumbledore's Army: Still Recruiting, on the walls. He finishes and sprints off. Perhaps I should teach him the Disillusionment Charm so he does not have to worry so much about running off and trying to escape before the Carrows find him defacing the castle. No, I wouldn't have the patience or the willpower to help anyone learn anything right now.

I whisper the password to the gargoyle, just in case anyone is around to hear it, and trudge up the steps to knock on the headmaster's door, removing the charm from myself along the way. It's a shame this couldn't have taken place later in the day. I would be slightly more awake and alert for this thing. No, that's a lie. I wouldn't be anymore well-rested than I am now.

"Enter," Severus calls from inside.

I push the door open. "Professor," I greet him.

"You're early."

I glance at the clock. If I'm early, it's by a mere three minutes. "I like to be punctual."

The headmaster smirks but otherwise ignores my comment, instead choosing to say, "Resisting the Imperius Curse is a matter of how strong your will is. As I understand, you know the feeling of being under the curse, seeing as it has been used against you before." I have to look away from him as heat flushes my face. I don't like to think about what it was like when I was placed under the curse, and I certainly don't like him to know what happened when it was used against me. "You've mastered Occlumency, and I believe you can resist the curse. It will just take time."

"Which I seem to be running short on lately."

His face darkens. "As is the case for everyone, Charlotte." I look away from him until I hear his sad voice ask, "You're still pushing them all away, aren't you?"

I swallow but refuse to meet his eyes again.

"Charlotte, you can't—"

"I don't really need them though, do I? I have Draco, and my mum, and…and you. How many more people do I need in my life, Professor? You seem to be fine, and you've had all of three people in your life—maybe fewer—for the past twenty-some years."

"And have you any idea how miserable that has been for me?" he asks pointedly.

I twist my fingers together, and he changes the subject back to the important part of this meeting—the Imperius Curse. "No doubt you're aware of the blank happiness that occurs when under the Imperius Curse," he says. I force myself to look back up at him. "This is what makes the curse so powerful. When someone is in that state, it's difficult to pull out of it. The worry-free feeling grips the victim's very soul, and they don't want to return to the real world. They are susceptible to almost anything."

"Severus, you cannot seriously be teaching a student about an Unforgivable Curse!" one of the portraits interrupts.

"Phineas," Dumbledore's portrait reprimands him. "It is necessary."

"Thank you, Albus," Severus says. "As I was saying, it is a difficult curse to overcome. But it is possible."

"With practice."

"With practice," he confirms.

"Severus, you cannot use an Unforgivable Curse on a student!" the same portrait from earlier shouts.

"Phineas," Dumbledore says authoritatively. "This has all been explained."

The portrait scoffs but quiets down after that.

"Are you ready?" Snape asks me.

I nod.

Severus points his wand at me, but it wavers, his eyes closing and the wand slowly dropping back down. "Charlotte, are you sure you want me to do this to you?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'll be another in a long list of people who have used an Unforgivable Curse on you."

"But it's different with you. I trust you more than I do the rest of them. And you're using the curse to help me, not harm me. You'll be on a completely different list of people."

He nods once, then raises his wand once more. "Imperio."

That wonderful, blissful happiness wipes my mind of all my worries. I've never been so carefree in my life, except when I was under the curse from Voldemort. It no longer matters that I've lost all of my friends, that McGonagall most likely will be disappointed in me forever, that they all let me push them away so easily. None of that matters, because why should it? Why should I care if I'm alone in this life? It makes it easier to slip by unnoticed, it makes it easier to face everything if I know there is absolutely no one left to care about my well-being. I don't have to hide my pain from them or lie to them about how I'm doing.

Being alone is the greatest thing that could've happened to me this year.

Snape speaks and interrupts my rambling thoughts. "Stand up." I do. "Sit down." I obey him again. I'm not even remotely worried when he narrows his eyes at me. I don't know what is happening exactly, but I feel myself jump into the air and flip backwards, landing perfectly on my feet. On any other day, I couldn't do that if my life depended it on it.

Then that blissful happiness leaves me.

Being alone is not what I want.

"Did you even try to break the curse?" he asks calmly.

"No," I admit.

"Why?"

"I was happy…no worries…" I say quietly. "I didn't want to lose that feeling." Surely if anyone can understand my situation, it is Severus Snape. If he could escape the troubles of his life, I'm sure he would do it.

The sadness in his black eyes tells me that he does understand, but he takes a shallow breath before saying, "I realize you've been through a lot in your life and that the idea of having no worries appeals to you, but when you're with the Dark Lord, things are not worry-free. You must learn to break the curse. You must surrender the temporary happiness in order to claim your victory."

But Merlin, I feel so empty without the Imperius Curse invading my mind. I feel lonely and sorrowful, with nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to. I hate not feeling happy or at least content or what I had grown to consider my normal, and the curse is the only thing that relieves my pain. I don't want to break the curse.

"Charlotte," he says kindly, "I know the curse makes you feel better, but it's only temporary. The times after—when the curse is no more and you feel the effects of the Dark Lord's magic—that is permanent. But you can fight him, you can stop him from harming you."

"Again then?"

He nods. "Imperio."

I fall into the gleeful trance again, and I don't want to leave it. I walk across the room and simply pace back and forth. I have to break this. I have to learn how to do this.

But I don't want to. For the first time since Zoe's death, I don't have a weight on my chest making it hard to breathe or an ache in my gut the size of Hogwarts. And it feels nice. It feels nice to be normal again. I'm happy, something I haven't truly been in so, so long. And here I am now, blissful and peaceful, and Severus is trying to make me force myself into that dark sorrow again.

I can't do that to myself. I could stay like this forever, and I doubt if it would bother me at all. In fact I would prefer to stay like this for the rest of my life if I could. I would gladly trade my freedom and free will for this state of uninhibited joy. Anything that makes the pain go away is welcome, and for the next hour, I'm under the Imperius Curse, doing absolutely nothing to try to break free.

Severus soon realizes that I'm not attempting to stop his curse, and he releases me of his own volition, a sadness in his voice when he says, "You need to learn to ignore the happiness you feel. You must learn to put it aside. If you cannot learn to close your eyes to the carefree joy the curse causes, you will never be able to resist the curse. We'll try again next week."

I nod at him and start toward the door, but before I can reach it to leave his office, he says, "Charlotte, have you been refusing to eat?"

I stop and turn back to him, leaning against the door. "I…I'm never…I never feel like eating," I say, my voice as small as I can make it.

"You cannot starve yourself," he says kindly.

I pull at the sleeve on my robes. They've been baggier recently, and my ribs are kind of…prominent now. But eating just…doesn't appeal to me anymore. It almost makes me sick, but I don't think I can explain that to him.

"Charlotte." I look up at him, ripping my eyes from my body. "Do not wither away. Just promise you'll attempt to stay healthy."

"I'll do my best."

Finally I leave his office, thinking to myself that perhaps I was wrong about wanting to resist the curse.

No one is waiting for me in the Great Hall, due to my ability of shutting people out, so I don't even waste my time going in there for breakfast, despite what I just told Snape. Instead I avoid every student in the corridors, purposefully ensuring that we do not have any form of eye contact, and walk quietly down to the Slytherin Dungeon. Only a few first-years are scattered around the common room, a single fifth-year sitting in the corner doing what appears to be homework, and I ignore each and every one of them as I trudge up the stairs and climb back into my cold bed where I wait patiently for it to warm up.

Sometime later I hear Pansy's voice. I guess she and her troop of seventh-year Slytherin girls have not gone to breakfast yet. "It just doesn't make sense to me, is all."

"Since when do you even care about her?" Tracey Davis replies.

"I don't care about her, I want to know what's changed," Pansy says. "I want to know what must have gone wrong over the summer months that caused this. I'd like to thank the person, really."

"You need to let your petty grudge go," Daphne says. "It's beyond ridiculous now. She's not dating Draco. She's done nothing to offend—"

"Her existence is enough to offend me," Pansy growls venomously. "Just because you've decided—"

"I'm done with this conversation," Daphne interjects. "You should be too."

Pansy scoffs but quiets down, and a short moment later I hear her storm out of the room.

The curtain around me bed peeks open, and I look to the corner where Daphne is standing. "If you want a thank-you, you'll need to look somewhere else because I didn't ask for you to stand up for me." I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, fighting back the tears that are already threatening. The Imperius Curse would be welcome right now.

Daphne ignores my cruel remark and sits down on the foot of my bed, crossing her legs beneath her and letting the curtain fall shut once more. "I think I know why you're so upset and pushing everyone away," she says calmly.

I pull myself into a sitting position and lean against the headboard, a fire roiling inside me. "Oh, I sincerely doubt that," I answer coolly.

She pats my foot through the sheets. "I know breakups are never easy, but—"

An icy, harsh laugh escapes me before I can stop it. "A breakup! You think I'm like this because of a breakup? Get off my bed and leave me alone." I wish it had been a breakup that separated Zoe and me, at least then I would know she's alive and well and living life the way she wanted, not dead, her body ashes—or worse, considering I'm unsure how they disposed of her body. My throat constricts, and tears blur my vision.

Daphne scoots closer and places a comforting hand on my shin. "Charlotte, you don't have to—"

"Stop." I pull my knees to my chest, successfully removing my leg from her touch. "You don't know what's going on. So leave."

"But I would know if you told me! You don't have to face your pain alone. People here care about you more than you know. Christopher, Ella, Julia, Jacob, Malcolm, McGonagall, Astoria. Me. We care for you and want to help you, but you have to let us. So what if you and Zoe—"

"Don't say her name!"

Daphne recoils slightly as if I've struck her, but then she slides further up the bed, almost an arm's length away. "It doesn't matter if she left you, Charlotte. It doesn't matter. She's not worth—"

I lunge at her, my wand in hand, and tackle her backward, my free hand around her throat, my body pinning hers down. I press the wand against her cheek. "Don't you ever come in here and act like you know what I'm going through. It's not Zoe—" The sob interrupts me, and a tear escapes my eye, splashing onto Daphne's chin. I release her and sit back, realizing a moment too late that I'm on her lap before moving back to my original position against the headboard. A deep ache grows in my chest, and the only thing that can make it go away is seeing Zoe again, holding Zoe in my arms once more, kissing her soft lips, telling her how much I love her. I rest my head back and close my eyes.

Daphne, unperturbed that I just attacked her, reaches out and takes my hand. "You don't have to go through this alone, Charlotte."

For a brief second I let myself enjoy the comfort of someone holding my hand; then I jerk away. "You should go."

"Charlotte—"

"I said leave. I want to be alone."

She sighs but argues no more, and a sudden sorrow consumes me when the curtain falls back into place and I am truly left alone again.

I hate everything about this year. Nothing good has come of it. Voldemort is finally trying to make me fulfill my duty. Zoe was taken from me. My mother Cruciated me. Snape killed Dumbledore. Fred left me. Fred. No, you don't want to see him—you just want to feel like someone cares about you.

Severus cares about me. He went through hell to make sure Charlotte Rodgers broke free from Aurelia Lestrange.

I roll onto my side and hug my pillow to my chest, sobbing quietly. The only person left in this world who cares about me is the cynical bastard by the name of Severus Snape. Is this what my life has come to?

No, that's not entirely true. Bellatrix cares about me, as do Narcissa and Draco. And I'm sure Rodolphus would care about me if given the chance. But that's not allowed either, because those were the orders of Voldemort.

I let myself cry for some time, and once my tears have dried up, I come to the harsh realization that I will not be able to lie here right now because of the rock growing in my stomach. So, I roll out of my bed, sling my rucksack onto my shoulder, cast the Disillusionment Charm and the Silencing Charm over myself, and exit the dormitory, slide out of the Slytherin Dungeon, and march my way to the gargoyle in front of the Headmaster's Tower.

It lets me by without any trouble, and I ascend the stairs. Once I reach the top, I remove the charms, and it takes me nearly three minutes before actually knocking on the door. "Enter," he calls a few seconds later. He only looks slightly suspicious when I push the door open. "If you've come to attempt fighting the Imperius Curse again, I suggest you wait a short while."

"That's not really why I'm here, Professor," I reply, striding forward and taking the seat across from him at his desk.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I know last time I asked something like this you kicked me out of your office for whatever reason, but I personally feel as if we've come rather far since then."

His black eyes become curious.

"I don't want to be around those damn students, Professor. They're so bloody annoying. Merlin, Pansy Parkinson is quite literally the bane on my existence here, and I can't get anything done around them. Any of them. Would you allow me to do my work in here? I don't—"

"You can stay," he interrupts, flashing me a kind, brief, sympathetic smile. "However, you'll have to learn to stop pushing away—"

"If that's the deal you're trying to strike with me, I'll just go ahead and leave now," I cut him off.

"Then I won't make you agree to that. Yet. You should know that I'll be leaving here in an hour."

"Which means I'll be kicked out of your office?"

He shrugs. "Why would I do that? You can call upon the elves for food and anything else you want. I won't force you to go back to being a student. It's not a weekday. And on top of that, you're not even a real student, so why should I make you go back to spend time with them?"

I grin to myself and reach into my rucksack. Very little homework had been assigned last week, but I can still take this time to get as much of it done as possible.

Snape and I work in silence, me finishing homework and him doing whatever it is that a double agent–Death Eater headmaster must do. My eyes wander to him a few times, and I catch myself watching him as he works diligently on whatever that is in front of him.

Only four times do we make eye contact before he leaves, but neither of us ever speaks, at least not until he stands to Disapparate and informs me that he will be back within three hours. I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing.

As much as I hate to admit it, nothing makes me feel better about my current situation than sitting in silence with Severus as if we're back at Spinner's End.