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Chapter 5
Ellie pushed open the door to her ground floor apartment, kicking off her Converse to the side and dropping her purse next to them.
She closed the door behind her and flicked on a light. She pulled her phone from the pocket of her jean jacket. Chris hadn't answered when she called earlier. Buck had mentioned Chris was at the rifle range with Vin and their new team member.
Ellie could only imagine what was going through Chris' mind on his last night home before deployment. She wished she could be with him. But he clearly hadn't wanted her to be with him tonight. Not if he wasn't answering.
With a heavy sigh, Ellie went to the fridge. She pulled out a wine cooler, then put it back, going to the cabinet and finding a bottle of hard liquor instead.
She got down a glass, but then abandoned it on the counter, taking the entire bottle to the couch with her.
She flicked on the television set, not paying any attention to what came on.
She hadn't said goodbye to Buck. She would see him tomorrow, at the base when she went to see him off. When she saw them all off. When she pretended that Chris didn't mean anything more to her than her brother's friend and said goodbye.
She took a long drink from the bottle. She propped her bare feet up on the coffee table and pulled the hair band from her hair, letting it fall in a mess around her face.
She stared blankly at the television.
She had been left behind before when Buck's team deployed. But she had never felt so completely alone.
#
Ezra whistled as he pushed the button to set his car alarm. He saw the lights flash and pocketed his keys on his way toward the apartment building. He only had three months left on his lease and would be moving to a larger apartment with covered parking. His bar was turning a profit his mother had assured him he would never see.
The thought of proving Maude wrong brought a smile to his lips.
He was passing the row of ground level apartments when a shadow caught his attention. He slowed his steps, his smile fading.
He didn't know Ellie Wilmington well. But the younger woman always had a ready smile for him and had somehow found out his birthdate and brought him cupcakes the last two years.
The man standing at the door to her apartment didn't look like anyone Ellie would willingly invite over. He was dressed in black, a grim set to his lips in the hard planes of his face.
The man knocked on the door to Ellie's apartment.
"Can I help you?" Ezra asked the stranger, making it clear he had no intention of providing any help to the man. Not at this time of night when the man had no business at a young woman's door.
The man glanced over his shoulder at Ezra.
"This your door I'm knocking on?" the man asked.
Ezra knew the man knew the answer to that and didn't respond.
"That's what I thought," the man muttered and turned back to the door.
Ezra took a step closer.
The door opened then and Ellie answered. Surprise flared on her face. But she didn't look unhappy to see the man.
"Is everything ok here?" Ezra asked her.
She looked over at Ezra and noticed him for the first time. "Yeah," she said. She looked at the man, her face softening. "Everything's fine."
Ezra could see the unspoken message passing between them. She seemed to know the unfriendly stranger. For the life of him, Ezra couldn't figure out what Ellie would be doing with someone like that, but he was willing to tae her word for it that she was ok with the man being there.
"Thanks Ezra," she said, her eyes showing sincere appreciation for his concern.
Ezra gave her a nod and the man one more sharp study before he continued on his way.
He glanced back once to see Ellie step back and the man enter her apartment, the door closing behind them.
#
Chris stepped into Ellie's apartment. He braced himself for the scent that was uniquely her, lemon and sunshine.
Her lips parted in a soft smile, sympathy there, no judgment for him showing up at eleven o'clock at night on her doorstep.
Chris forced himself to steel himself against that. She should be judging him. She should have been angry with him from the first time he took advantage of her. But that's why he was here. To set things right with her before he left tomorrow. To tell her what happened between them never should have gotten as far as it did. To apologize.
"Ellie," he said.
Her face immediately tensed, lines of tension framing her mouth. "Don't," she said.
Chris forced himself to meet her eyes. To see the hurt in her blue eyes. But it wasn't hurt there. It was pleading.
"Don't say it," she whispered. Her lips trembled.
It was the first time Chris had seen a crack in her sureness. She hadn't given a hint that she had her doubts about what happened. But faced with what he needed to say to her, she was faltering.
"I don't want to make this worse," he said.
"Then don't," Ellie said. "Not tonight."
Not when it was their last night together before he deployed tomorrow.
Chris saw then what she was asking him for. One more night to pretend he wasn't leaving. To get comfort from one another. One last time to avoid reality.
He took a step toward her and Ellie tilted her head back to look up at him. Her breathing slowed until she was holding her breath.
Chris carefully brushed her hair back from her face. He was close enough he could smell the alcohol on her. He looked over at the table in front of her couch. An open bottle was there. He looked back to her. She was grieving the deployment already. He should have seen that right away. He didn't hold any illusion that it was just him she was already missing. It was Buck. The only family she had.
"Please," Ellie breathed.
There was no way Chris was strong enough to break her tonight.
Tonight he would give Ellie the comfort she had been so determined to give him.
#
Ellie rolled over and reached for Chris. She kept reaching, finding his side of her bed empty, the sheets cool.
She looked around her room and didn't see him. She sat up, her hair falling over her bare shoulders. His clothes were gone.
Her heart skipped a beat, then started beating faster.
"Chris?" she called. Her apartment was silent.
She scrambled out of bed, and tossed the first thing she found-an oversized flannel shirt- over her head. She pulled on her discarded underpants from the night before, nearly falling over.
"Chris?" she called again, stumbling in her speed to get out into the small kitchen and living area.
"Right here," came the quiet response.
Ellie felt her knees go weak with relief. Chris was standing at the small window. He watched her approach. Even from this distance she could see the look in his eyes. It was the same one from last night when he had knocked on her door. The finality was there. And she knew this time there wouldn't be any talking him out of it.
Chris was dressed, put together if she didn't look at his eyes. But as soon as she looked in his green eyes, she could see the shadows he had been running from ever since they had received the date for this latest deployment. Now they were threatening to overtake him, and there was nothing she could do about it. There wasn't anything she could say to change his mind about what he was about to say.
She braced herself.
"This wasn't a good idea," he said.
"It doesn't matter if it was a good idea or not," Ellie couldn't hold back the words. "I don't regret it."
She lifted her chin slightly, preparing herself for Chris to say he regretted everything.
His eyes softened slightly. "I don't," he said. "But I'm leaving in four hours."
Ellie swallowed hard. She fisted her hands to keep them from reaching for him.
"I ain't tying you to me," he said, his eyes hardening again. She could see him start to put up the wall that would keep her at a distance. "If I make it back from this tour I'm not going to tie you to what I am."
"Chris," she said, wanting—needing—him to take back his stark words. It was like he knew he wasn't going to make it through this assignment. At least not mentally. But he didn't sound too confident about physically, either.
"I shouldn't have done any of this," he finally said. "And you deserve better."
When she reached for him, he pulled away and her heart fractured. She didn't know how to make this part easier for him. How to pretend she hadn't somehow lost her heart to him over the past week.
Chris stopped and looked down at her. For a second Ellie thought he might kiss her. She wanted that more than anything. An assurance that everything he had just said was wrong and he didn't mean any of it.
But he stepped away from her without any touch. He headed for the door and left without looking back.
Ellie bit down on her lip. Her eyes burned with tears that pressed forward. Her throat ached with the pressure of the tears. She gasped for breath, trying desperately to hold back the tears.
#
Josiah hadn't expected anyone to be at the base to see him off. Hannah couldn't leave her psychiatric facility and his father wasn't one for public displays of emotion.
It didn't make it any easier to be surrounded by the other troops getting their warm farewells from family and friends.
"Josiah."
Josiah shook himself out of his maudlin thoughts and managed a warm smile for Ellie.
She looked terrible. He could tell from the look on Buck's face that he noticed it, too. Ellie's hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, her smiles for the men not reaching her eyes. Her hands trembled and she looked like she was one wrong word short of falling to pieces.
"I'll miss you," she said. The same thing she had said to Vin, Nathan, and Buck. But it was just as sincere as the first time she spoke the words. She wrapped her arms around Josiah in a warm hug as if she were saying goodbye to a brother.
It eased some of the pain at leaving without a proper goodbye for Hannah.
She gave him a peck on the cheek and moved on to JD.
"You watch out for my brother," she instructed him. It was the same thing she had said to each of the men when it was their first deployment on the team with Buck.
JD nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
Ellie grinned at his eagerness, even if the smile didn't completely lighten her eyes.
Chris was the last one in line. Josiah watched her hesitation. He frowned at the uncharacteristic tension anyone could see.
Without a word, Ellie gripped Chris in a fierce hug.
Josiah watched Chris wrap his arms around Ellie, closing his eyes like he was imprinting the memory of her closeness.
That wasn't something Josiah had seen in their farewells before. He glanced at Buck, but Buck was hefting his bag from the ground, the commanding officer calling for them to board the aircraft that would take them to Germany, then from there they would go the final distance to the outpost they would be at for the next several months—or more.
Josiah saw Ellie step away from Chris and an unspoken message passed between them before Chris picked up his own bag, leaving Ellie standing alone, her eyes bright with tears.
Buck did look at her then and broke from the line of men heading toward the plan and jogged back over to his sister. He dropped his bag on the ground and swept Ellie up in a tight hug.
Ellie's knuckles turned white as she gripped Buck in return, her tears falling.
"We'll be back before you have time to miss us," Buck promised her.
"I already miss you," she said. But she managed a watery smile.
"Yeah," Buck said.
"But I'll be fine, Buck," Ellie said, squaring her shoulders. She dashed at the tears with her fingertips. She glanced over at Chris. He was watching her with an unreadable expression.
"I'll be fine," she repeated and Josiah got the feeling she was saying it for Chris that time.
She gave Buck one last squeeze, then stepped back with the other family members, away from the aircraft.
She gave them all a wave, blinking furiously to slow her tears.
Josiah was left with the unsettling feeling that she might not be as fine as she was trying to make them believe.
#