Ldub: Thanks for reviewing! Charlotte is definitely suffering right now, but I think she's pretty close to her breaking point and will try to work on her problems. She can't go on like this much longer

EmilyCMalfoy: Thanks for reviewing! Lol, yeah basically. I have no idea. What's the punchline?

Hawknest143: Thanks for reviewing! McGonagall and Daphne are close to finding out part of Charlotte's problems. McGonagall probably didn't know for sure until Charlotte's threat at the end of the last chapter. Yeah, nothing they're doing right now to help Charlotte is actually working. It'll have to be Charlotte's decision to stop herself, and I think she's reaching the point where she can't keep doing this. She definitely needs to open up

CHAPTER 20

I stop just outside McGonagall's door and lean against the wall, impatiently trying to get the tears off my face. I can't believe I said that to her. What the hell is wrong with me? I shoved her away from me—why did I do that? She wanted to help me.

She didn't try to help you when you were in Azkaban.

That's not fair, she didn't know I was there.

With my sleeve I dry my face off and continue on my way. I need to speak with Severus. It's been years since I lost control of my magic like that. The table just…snapped. What's going to happen to me if I keep losing control? First I failed at Occlumency because of my emotions about Zoe's death, and then I lost complete control of my magic. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to live a normal life. I want things to be the way they were, but I'm afraid.

Suddenly Alecto is by my side. "Come with me," she commands.

She grabs my arm, and I swing her against the wall. "Stop touching me! Everyone needs to stop touching me. Just stop touching me!" She releases me, and I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, trying my best to calm down. A few more tears slip from my eyes, and I frantically wipe them away. "Just…stop touching me. Please stop touching me."

"Miss Rodgers—"

"Stop. I need—I need a minute."

Once I've finally gotten in complete control of myself, she motions for me to keep moving and then begins ushering me through the castle. She throws open her office door, marches me to the chair in front of her desk and tells me to sit down. "Why were you serving a detention with McGonagall?"

"I don't answer to you. I answer only to Snape and the Dark Lord. I just want to go lie down."

"Why did you not come to us, Miss Rodgers?" That's when I notice Amycus standing in the corner by himself. "We could've gotten you out of it."

I close my eyes and breathe. My body and my spirit are quickly losing the will and the desire to keep talking, to keep trying to explain anything to anyone. I just want to lie down. I'm so exhausted. "And made a spectacle of me? Don't you realize how conspicuous that would make me? It would draw unwanted attention from the other students. I can't be seen as different or else the cover we have painstakingly built for years will be destroyed. You've already risked too much by being afraid to punish me. Can I go back to the dungeon now?"

"Who knows you had detention tonight?"

"I'm guessing Daphne's friends, why?"

"Because we can't allow you to leave until the time your detention will have been served."

I roll my eyes and lean back in the chair. "Fine. But don't expect casual conversation because I'm currently livid with you, Alecto."

Amycus walks over and leans against the desk, facing me. "Is there anything I can get you, Miss Rodgers? Part of our job is to make you comfortable. Would you like anything?"

"What I want is to go back to the dormitory."

"We'll let you go back as soon as possible," he promises.

I grimace at him.

He turns his attention back to his sister, and for the next few hours I listen to Alecto and Amycus chat about the students and which ones need to be punished. Neville Longbottom is at the top of that list.

When at long last they decide I'm allowed to return to the dungeons—long after curfew, I note with intense irritation—I am not allowed to go alone. Alecto walks beside me despite my annoyed huffs and frustrated glances. "You won't tell the Dark Lord what happened?"

"I won't unless you find a way to anger me again." I come to a stop in front of the common room. "Now if you'll excuse me." Alecto wanders off, and I enter the common room unimpeded. Once the door shuts behind me, I break down, the sobs wracking through me, the tears overflowing. I've ruined everything. I've lost everyone. I sit down on the floor beside the door and let myself cry freely. No one in is the common room—it's far too late for late for that—and it is the perfect opportunity to let myself regret everything about my life.

At least, it was the perfect opportunity to regret everything about my life until footsteps from the girls' dormitory forces me to choke back all of my sorrow. "I thought I heard you come in," someone whispers.

I cast an angry glance at Daphne but quickly soften my features when the guilt grasps my heart. I wipe my tears.

"When did you get back?"

Her question starts to calm me down, but I don't understand why. I feel the anger in my chest begin to dissipate. "Just now."

"McGonagall kept you that late?"

"The Carrows did."

She comes and sits next to me. "Why were you with the Carrows?"

I shrug, not really wanting to get into all of the details about what happened earlier. The guilt in my chest grows stronger, unbearable almost, and an idea pops into my head. "I might be able to get you out of detention."

"You don't—"

"As my way of apologizing, of course, for getting you into this mess in the first place,"

"I'm not angry—"

"Yes, you are," I interrupt. "I saw the look you gave me when we were walking to her office, don't lie. It's not a big deal. I can talk to McGonagall." She won't listen to me, of course, but I think it's worth a shot. Maybe it'll open the door for me to break and explain everything to her. I feel wrong that treated her so badly. And if it doesn't work—well, at least I tried, which will hopefully relieve this weight on my chest.

"And you? Will you still serve them?"

"I was the one who deserved them, not you."

Daphne smiles at me. "You would do that for me?"

"Why not?"

Her eyes light up. "Thank you, Charlotte. Really." She smiles broadly at me and squeezes my hands, and something in me aches. I pull away from her and stand to my feet, then start toward the exit. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to end your detentions. Or at least try." I leave the common room, cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself, and dart away from the Slytherin Dungeon.

It seems that I cannot do anything right this year. Every decision I've made has led from bad to worse. Everything I've done has backfired. Everything I've attempted has caused me pain.

I hate what I've become.

I hate myself.

My first knock on McGonagall's door is awkwardly quiet, but I make sure the next one is louder. I remove the Disillusionment Charm before she opens the door adjusting her dressing gown. Her lips thin when she sees me. "Rodgers, you shouldn't be out of your common room."

"I know."

"If it's not an emergency, you must return."

I close my eyes and take a breath. "Of course I took the curse for you, Professor."

"I never asked that of you."

"I know. I wanted to take it."

"Why are—"

"End Daphne's detentions. I'm the one who deserves them, not her."

McGonagall's nostrils flare. "You intend to blackmail me into terminating your girlfriend's detentions?"

"She and I aren't—that was a lie I was hoping would lead to no punishment—she's not—" I stop abruptly. Though part of me was only doing this for Daphne's sake, to relieve my own guilt, I was hoping—I don't know what I was hoping. That McGonagall wouldn't be this angry with me? That she'd be willing to listen to me because of the curse? Not even I know what I was hoping, but I know that this right now is not it. "I took Alecto's Cruciatus Curse for you. Let Daphne out of the detentions."

"I can't—"

"Fine, I didn't really expect you to, anyway. Because why would you after—" I shake my head, my eyes burning, then cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself again and stalk off.

"Rodgers!"

I ignore her and make my way to the gargoyle statue, which lets me in the moment I spout off the password even though it cannot see me. I remove the charm as I ascend the stairs, and I waste no time before banging on the door loudly. Severus throws the door open, disheveled and alarmed, moments later, and just seeing him shatters the angry, broken part me. In a short second, I wrap my arms around him and bury my face into his chest, trying my best to suppress the sobs that threaten to destroy me. "Charlotte, what—"

"I lost—control—of my—my magic."

He returns my embrace and holds me closely. "What happened?"

"In detention with McGonagall," I breathe, holding back my coughs the best I can. "Zoe came up and I—I—" My throat closes. "I lost control of it."

"You had detention?" Why is that the most interesting thing to him right now?

I bunch the back of his robes in my hands and cry harder. About everything. Zoe, McGonagall, Azkaban, my mother, Aurelia Lestrange. Not once does he try to silence me. He simply holds me and lets me weep in his arms. After a few short moments of this he leans down and whispers in my ear, "The portraits are no doubt growing suspicious. Step out into the stairwell and Apparate to my chambers. I'll lift the enchantments from those rooms. You cannot risk the Carrows seeing you right now."

I nod, pull away from him, and exit his office. I wait just a few seconds before Disapparating, just in case something tied up Severus and he was unable to remove the enchantments right away.

Nothing stops me from reaching his chambers, and I sigh with relief when I'm finally completely away from everyone else in the castle. Quite like McGonagall's private chambers was the last time I saw it, Severus has a small sitting room with a sofa in front of the fireplace and a table by the window that overlooks the Hogwarts grounds, a private bedroom with the door open, and a bathroom. "Have a seat, Charlotte." My body shaking with subdued sobs, I walk over and sit down on the black sofa. He then sits beside me. "What's happened?"

"I'm not all right," I whisper, trembling. "I'm not all right. And I haven't been since Azkaban. Since Zoe." I pull my feet onto the sofa and bury my face into my knees. "I'm not okay. He broke me." I reach over and take his hand.

"Charlotte, you can't keep going on like this. You've shut out everyone who cares about—"

"Not you."

"But that's not enough," he says calmly. "You come and visit me, but most of your time is spent around them. You don't want to hate them, and they don't want to hate you. You need them."

I squeeze his hand. "And do you expect me to just tell them everything that's happened? You know I can't do that."

"You can't tell the other students of course, but you can speak with Professor McGonagall about it. I know you miss her."

I begin crying again. "I hate this. I hate this so much."

"I know," he says. "But you need them."

"The Dark Lord murdered the one you loved as well, and you seem to be all right. It'll just take me some time."

His eyes close. "I'm not all right," he whispers calmly. He opens his eyes again to meet mine. "I haven't been all right since that day. I had no one to lean on, but you do. And you're squandering it. Charlotte, you have to fix this. You need them."

"But I have you. Why do I need—"

"Because we're both in pain, and being around someone in the same pain you are experiencing won't help you get through this."

"Then what about you? Who do you have?"

He smiles sadly. "I've been on my own for seventeen years. I can last a few more until this is all over."

I slide across the sofa and lean against him, resting my head on his shoulder. His arm slips around me comfortingly, and I'm eerily reminded of when he admitted the truth of Dumbledore's death to me and we grieved in Spinner's End. That feels like a lifetime ago. "I can't fix this. After all I've done—"

"If I've learnt one thing about Minerva McGonagall, it's that she does not give up on those she cares about. And you happen to fall into that group of people. She'll forgive you."

But I don't really know how true that is. I've been awful toward her. Why should she forgive me? I close my eyes and try to push the thought from my mind. Perhaps she truly will forgive me. Perhaps Severus knows what he's talking about.

"I failed at Occlumency when the Dark Lord mentioned Zoe. McGonagall mentioned her name, and I lost control of my magic. What's going to happen if I continue to lose control and the Dark Lord sees everything—everything you and I need to keep from him?"

"You'll just have to learn how to control it."

But what if I never learn? What if I break and let Voldemort see everything in my mind? I close my eyes and try to push those thoughts from my mind.

The next time I open my eyes it's much later and much darker. The fire no longer burns, and very little light seeps under the cracks in the doors and through the small opening in the curtains. I am pressed against the back of the sofa, my head resting on Severus's chest, my arm draped over his stomach, his arm around me, his hand on my hip. His steady heartbeat comforts me. One of Severus's legs is off the sofa, and I have to wonder how long we've been asleep like this. Surely he will be hurting in the morning.

How tired were we that we both fell asleep in these uncomfortable positions?

His soft snore grabs my attention, and I move my head just enough to look up at his face. In that moment his arm begins falling, and I reach for it, drawing it onto his chest to keep it from flopping onto the stone floor. I hold his hand in mine and close my eyes again.

The next time I awaken, I'm still using Severus as a pillow, but he seems to have made the sofa larger, for he is no longer struggling to stay on it. "You're awake," he says quietly.

I'm actually disappointed that I have to sit up and move away from him. "I didn't mean to fall asleep on you," I say quietly, yawning. He waves his hand as if it doesn't matter, and I pull my knees up to my chest. "Should I leave?"

"Apparate to the second-floor girls' bathroom. I doubt students seeing you leave the Headmaster's Tower this early will go unnoticed. And the portraits certainly won't go let it go unnoticed that a student stayed the night in my chambers."

"What a scandal," I say, my heart lighter than it's been in a long time, my mood much better than it's been since I first came back to the castle. "If only they knew that I'm deeply fucked up and you're secretly a kind-hearted man who didn't like the idea of waking me because you know how poorly I've been sleeping lately."

Severus smiles and stands to his feet. Then he pops his back and his neck. With a quick wave of his wand, he says, "The enchantments have been lifted temporarily. It's safe to Apparate from my chambers to the bathroom."

"Would it be possible for the Hogwarts Headmaster to write me an excuse to stay out of class today?" I ask with a smile.

He watches me for a moment. "Go to breakfast in the Great Hall—"

"Speaking of, you should probably show up for a meal sometime if you want to look like a somewhat normal headmaster."

"You might have a point."

"I for sure have a point."

Severus grins. "I'll go to breakfast. And I'll write you an excuse."

"I'm holding you to that." I Apparate before giving him a chance to comment, and when I come to a stop in the one room in the castle with no enchantments, I feel a deep loneliness I had nearly forgotten.

I splash cold water on my face and retreat from the room, rushing back to the Slytherin Dungeon. I have just stepped into the common room when I am cornered by an angry Daphne. "Where the hell have you been?" she hisses quietly so as no one else in the room can hear her.

"What—"

"You just vanished last night! I stayed up for hours waiting on you, and you never came back. Where did you go last night, Charlotte?"

"Don't worry about it. I couldn't get you out of detention, sorry." I brush past her and go to the dormitory to ready myself for the day.

When I come back down the stairs, no one is waiting on me for breakfast, and why should they? I leave the common room without speaking a word to a single Slytherin, and I make my way to the gargoyle protecting the Headmaster's Tower. I don't even have time to say the password to go to Severus's office, for the gargoyle moves aside and allows Severus himself exit. The headmaster stops when he sees me. "You didn't trust me?" he asks, sounding falsely offended.

"Of course I did. I was simply walking back here to make sure that you were not mauled by angry students upon exiting the safety of your tower."

"It might not be the smartest idea to walk into the Great Hall with me, do you think?"

I shrug. "It'll keep everyone confused. Am I part of Dumbledore's Army? Am I a loyal Slytherin? Why does Charlotte get on so well with Severus Snape, the Death Eater headmaster of Hogwarts?"

"If you're willing to risk being ostracized."

"I've already ostracized myself, sir."

"Which is something I believe I've told you needs to be stopped immediately."

I glance over at him as we walk. "I mainly thought it'd be a good idea to walk in with you because who will argue me skipping class on orders of the headmaster if they saw me walk into the Great Hall with him? It'll make my claim more plausible. Slap on that frustrated face you wear all the time—that's the one—and everyone will simply assume I'm in trouble or whatever. Not even the Carrows will be able to question it."

"Do the Carrows question you often?"

"No."

He nods oddly. "If you're in trouble, you must play the part. Look upset with me."

"Easy. I'll think about those times you stole my wand from me and made me cook all of your meals without magic."

He smiles. "You made that deal yourself, and I will not take credit for it."

I shrug again. "It's all the same. Stop smiling before someone sees you and wonders if you've lost your mind."

We step into the Great Hall, and quite a few eyes land on us. Severus makes the choice of walking toward the Slytherin table with me, quietly muttering, "You've certainly made a spectacle of yourself, haven't you?"

"You agreed to it. I just want out class."

"And why is that?"

"Because I'm not ready to face McGonagall, honestly. I need some time. I broke her table with my uncontrolled magic. She now obviously knows that something happened to Zoe. And I…might have threatened her in a pretty terrible way."

"I worry what you might have said if you're this ashamed of it," he comments. "But at least she doesn't know about Azkaban."

I cut him an angry glare. "We do not speak of that within walking distance of another person."

I walk down the Slytherin table as far as I can, taking for the first time this term a chair as close to the staff table as possible. McGonagall's curious eyes follow Snape from the Slytherin table to his seat at the staff table, but I do not wait to make eye contact with her. That would be risking far too much for me right now. I almost believe I would break completely.

I eat—pick at my food, more like—quietly, not once looking up at any of the students or staff members, though I can feel numerous eyes on me constantly throughout the meal. Slowly but surely the students stand and head toward their classes, but I remain exactly where I am. As does Severus.

McGonagall slows as she passes me and asks, "Should I expect to see you in my class today?"

It's like she can read my mind. "Not today, Professor. The headmaster has better things for me to do than waste my time in class."

Her lips thin. "You'll still be expected in your detention this evening."

"I'll be there, don't worry. Just don't expect me to talk about what happened the last time, because I don't believe that's part of my punishment."

"Fifteen points from Slytherin."

I keep quiet until she has no choice but to leave for her class. Severus has already disappeared from the Great Hall by this time, so I stand quietly and walk calmly from the hall, sadness pricking my heart. I shouldn't continue destroying what's left of my relationship with McGonagall. At this point she might never forgive me. I simply must quit talking to her altogether unless given no other choice.

Instead of going back to the dungeons, I go toward the Headmaster's Tower. Severus nods to me once when I enter his office, and I take my seat across from him. I place my homework on the desk and say, "Thanks for that, Professor."

We begin our work in silence.