Chapter 6
Ellie bit down on her lip and stared out the window on the other side of the waiting room. She could hear Dr. Banks talking to Casey in one of the treatment rooms as they cleaned a teenager's teeth.
She glanced at the clock on her computer again. It was only three minutes later than the last time she had checked.
With a sigh, she moved the computer mouse and clicked onto her email again.
The email from Buck hadn't changed since the last time she read it—or the twenty one times she had read it before that.
They had arrived at their base in Syria. The food was terrible. Buck still wasn't too sure about the new kid on their team.
Chris said hi.
Ellie read that line again. And then again. Her fingers tightened around the mouse.
Did Chris really say hi? Was he thinking of her? Missing her? Ellie could guarantee Chris hadn't cried himself to sleep for the first three nights he was gone the way she had. He probably hadn't then spent the next two nights writing letters confessing how he had lost his heart and didn't know how to get it back, then shredding them and stuffing them in the trashcan. And he definitely hadn't spent far too long staring at one line in an email trying to figure out what it meant. No, that was just Ellie doing that.
Buck had closed the email with a promise to video chat in the morning. That would make it 10 pm tonight in Denver. Ellie had already set an alarm on her phone and checked it several times to make sure she wouldn't miss Buck's call.
In the past, Chris would sit down next to Buck. Not saying much, but there for the call. Ellie was terrified that he wouldn't be there for the call this time. And equally terrified that he would be there and her heart would finish breaking in two.
"Ellie?" Dr. Banks said, coming out to the waiting room with the patient.
Ellie quickly clicked off the email and tried to put on an attentive face for her employer.
"Can you schedule Dana for her next appointment?" he asked.
Ellie managed a smile for the teen and nodded to the aged dentist. "Sure thing."
She scheduled the appointment and sat back in her chair when the waiting room was empty again.
Staring out the window once again, she thought of every night with Chris. Every gentle touch that had belied his rough exterior. And then the shadows that always returned with the morning light.
Her eyes stung with the tears that she had to hold back until after she spoke to Buck. If he saw her red eyes, he would never let her evade his questions. And she definitely could never tell him that she was crying over Chris.
Ellie plucked a tissue from the box on her desk and scrubbed at her eyes. She opened her email again and sent of a bright reply to Buck with plenty of exclamation marks to show just how fine she was.
#
Hannah Sanchez took a seat at the table in the corner of the day room. She took the iPad the nurse handed her with a quiet thank you.
Computer access was almost nonexistent in the loony bin. Mental health treatment facility, corrected herself. That was what her father insisted on calling it. No cell phones, no private computers. Just an iPad to video call family or friends. Something Hannah hadn't done once in the three months she had been there. No one had requested a call with her.
In Josiah's defense, he hadn't known she had been locked away—committed, she corrected herself again—until he had returned to the States. And then he had called right away. He had dutifully called weekly and eventually even made the long drive to come visit. Her father talked more with her treatment team than he did with her. Making sure she was taking her meds, making appropriate progress in therapy, and, most importantly, nowhere near getting out and returning to Tucson where she could be an embarrassment to him.
She turned on the iPad and looked at the clock. The nurse sat down at the table next to hers. There was no way she would be given access to the outside world without supervision.
The screen lit up with an incoming call. Hannah automatically glanced at the nurse who gave her an encouraging nod.
Holding her breath, Hannah answered the call.
Josiah's familiar face filled the screen. He saw her image on his screen and a grin split his broad face.
"Hannah," he said.
Even through the miles between the Rocky Mountains and Syria, his deep baritone and its natural warmth carried through the speakers.
"Hi," she said.
She took in the plain colored t-shirt he wore, the barracks behind him, cots lined up in rows and his teammates on them. Then she looked at her own image in the corner of the screen. The nurse sitting near her, the med cart positioned to the side, ready for their evening med pass. What would his teammates think? She never should have agreed to this call.
"I should—" she started, but Josiah cut her off.
"It's real good to see you." His smile was gentle. "I forgot how hard it is to be over here. Having family to call makes it easier."
Hannah tried to answer his smile with one of her own. She cast about for something to say, but again Josiah saved her.
"I started a book yesterday. It's one I think you might like."
Hannah felt some of the nerves that held her taut ease up.
"It's an old one by Michael Crichton," Josiah said. "But there's plenty of adventure in it."
Hannah let herself enjoy the timbre of his voice, the big brother who had always looked out for her. Always gotten between her and their father. Until he was gone and couldn't anymore.
"Is that your bunk?" she asked when Josiah carried the laptop over to show her the cover of the book.
Josiah toured her around the crowded barracks, avoiding the men she could see in the background. She was thankful for that.
"Hannah, one minute left," the nurse said.
Hannah nodded, her shoulders rounding forward slightly. Seeing Josiah, the outside world, had been a distraction from where she currently resided.
"I have to go," Hannah said, trying to keep the dejection from her voice. She didn't want Josiah to worry. Or worse, word to get back to her father and for him to mistake her disappointment for depression and push for an increase in her meds or lengthen her stay.
"I understand," Josiah said. "Buck's waiting for his turn to call his sister."
The way he said it made Hannah feel so normal. There was another sister like her who would be getting a call from her brother. It didn't matter that she had been locked away like a bad family secret.
"I'll call you again next week," Josiah promised.
For the first time in a long time, Hannah felt a lightness in her chest. Something to look forward to.
"Next week," she promised. There was no way she would miss that call.
"I love you, Hannah," Josiah said seriously.
"I love you, too," she whispered back, not sure if he heard her. But there was that look of compassion. The only one who had looked at her like that her entire life. He had heard.
The video disconnected and Hannah handed the iPad over to the nurse. But she didn't move from her chair. She stared out the window, at the fall sunshine, the leaves turning brilliant colors. For the first time she started thinking about what her life could be on the outside. Getting out and finding a place near Josiah when he came back.
Her fingers brushed against the fading scars on her wrists.
#
Chris watched Josiah stare at the blank computer screen.
"Everything alright?" Chris asked.
The chaplain roused himself and nodded once. "I think so. I hope so," he said. "The Lord has a way of making up for all the ways I lack. The times I've let people down."
Chris didn't know what times Josiah was talking about, but he had his doubts that there was anything that could make up for how he had treated Ellie.
"C'mon, Chris," Buck said, taking the chair Josiah had vacated and clicking on the computer icon to open up his own call. "Ellie's waitin'."
Chris stood where he was. The sound of a computerized ringing came from the computer and Buck watched the screen eagerly.
Buck had shared Ellie's earlier email with him. It had sounded brittle, though Chris was sure it was supposed to come across as cheerful. He had seen Buck's brown furrow when he read it, but Buck had chalked it up to Ellie trying to not let on how much she was missing them.
"I been thinkin' maybe this should be my last deployment, Chris," Buck had confided in him. "No more leavin' Ellie back there alone. No more insurgents comin' at us. No more seein' young, dumb kids go home in boxes." He had looked at JD.
Chris had the same thoughts, but he didn't have any plans to retire or not reenlist. The military was all he knew.
"Hey Elle-Belle!" Buck said.
Chris couldn't stop himself from looking over at the screen.
Ellie's blonde hair was pulled back from her face, nothing hiding her big hazel eyes.
Chris saw the shadows there. It was like a punch to his gut.
She wasn't ok.
"Hi Buck," Ellie said. She smiled and there was tension around the edges. "It's so good to see you," she said sincerely. "I've been missing you already."
"Aw, we've been missin' you something fierce," Buck said. "Me and Chris…" he looked around like he realized for the first time that Chris wasn't next to him. "Chris, what are you doin' over there?"
Chris didn't have any way to get out of it. He walked over to the table and pulled up the extra chair.
"Ellie," he said. He tried not to let any of the things he wanted to say to come out in that one words. Instead he held them in and they nearly suffocated him.
"Chris," she said, her face relaxing slightly. Whatever she wanted to say in that one word, he heard it. She didn't hold it back.
"You back to work?" Buck asked. Ellie had told them she was taking off work the day they deployed and the day after, insisting she wasn't using the time off to sit at home and wallow.
"Yep," Ellie said. It was like her email. Too bright. Trying too hard. "Everything's all back to normal!" She looked over at Chris.
Nothing was back to normal.
Chris sat like stone, willing his heart to turn to stone, to not feel anything, as he watched Ellie on the screen talking to Buck.
He wouldn't let himself want her. He wasn't going to think about her gentle hands caressing his skin. He blocked any memories of her whispering reassurances in his ear while they were in his bed, her bare skin warm against his. The way she had made him forget how broken he was. The way she made him feel less empty.
"Chris?" Buck asked.
Chris jerked his thoughts away from memories he wasn't thinking about.
The screen was blank in front of him. Ellie was gone. Ellie wasn't there anymore.
#