PineappleBearr: Thanks for reviewing! Haha, Snape definitely cares more about her than he originally thought he would. Hopefully she'll work things out with McGonagall soon!

Hawknest143: Thanks for reviewing! You can interpret their relationship many ways! I don't think it's bad you're shipping them together. They've spent a lot of time together and know more about each other than anyone else does, so I can see why you do!

EmilyCMalfoy: Thanks for reviewing! Haha, I don't think I've heard that joke before! Thanks for your encouraging words! And yeah, that'd be really cool. I'm a girl

CHAPTER 21

My detentions with McGonagall change slightly over the course of the next two weeks. She doesn't speak to me at all anymore. I enter her office, begin cleaning, clean for an hour and a half, then leave without a word. Yesterday we moved from her classroom to her office, and we still follow the same routine. Neither of us speaks to the other, and I feel empty. Entirely empty. I hate this. But I don't think I can really change it at this point.

When my detention ends on this particular evening, I place the bucket on her desk, meet her eye for a short moment, clench my jaw, and quickly flee from the room. McGonagall does not stop me. I avoid the Slytherin Dungeon and make my way to the Headmaster's Tower. But I stop when I see the gargoyle and simply stand there, looking into that stone creature's eyes. Tomorrow is my last lesson fighting the Imperius Curse before I'll be called back to Malfoy Manor. As much as I'd like to get more advice from Severus regarding how to fight that curse, I want to be alone.

Everything feels wrong now.

With a heavy sigh, I spin on my heel and leave the gargoyle behind. I walk to the Owlery and sit down. The moment I lean against the wall, a small owl flutters down to me. "Milo," I greet him quietly. "How are you?"

He hoots at me, then perches on my knee and watches me.

"I assume that means you're fine?" I reach up and rub a finger on his head. "Do you miss her?" Tears fill my eyes.

He hoots softly.

"I have something for you," I say thickly, struggling to keep the sobs at bay.

I reach into my pocket and pull out a cracker. He pecks it out of my hand and flaps his little wings appreciatively. A moment later he flies away, mingling with the other owls. I smile up at him and force myself to my feet. I watch Milo for just a second longer before leaving the Owlery behind and trudging my way down to the Slytherin Dungeon, where I don't particularly want to be but can't think of a single place that would be better.

No one disturbs me as I make my way through the common room and up to the dormitory and into my bed. I slide under my sheets, close my eyes, and try to prepare myself to fight off the Imperius Curse in the morning.

"Evening, Charlotte," I hear Astoria say. "Rather early to be in the bed already, isn't it?" She opens the curtain around my bed and sits down on the foot of it, letting the curtain shut again. I do not move to make more room for her. "Draco's been asking me about you."

"Has he?" I ask curtly. "That's real interesting. Has he told you to keep me safe or some nonsense?"

"He asked me to check on you, said you've been through some stuff recently and might want a friend. That true?"

I look down at her. "Don't worry about it."

"Charlotte—"

"I don't want your pity, Astoria."

"I'm not here to pity you. I'm here to let you know that you're not alone." She leans against the bed post and stretches her legs toward me. "So the Carrows are insane," she says conversationally. "More so than the other Death Eaters I've had the unfortunate luck to meet."

I close my eyes again and will myself to fall asleep, not caring that I know what happens when I fall asleep—I just want to be alone, and that seems the only way I can be alone.

"Draco says not to trust them, which is the best piece of advice he's given me this term. I miss him." She sighs. "I know we didn't have much time together before he left Hogwarts, but I still miss him. Is that pathetic?" She continues a moment later when I do not answer. "How long has it been since you've seen Zoe?"

I clench my jaw and suppress my anger.

"Does she write to you often? She's stopped writing to Ella."

She stopped doing everything. And it's all my fault. "She doesn't write me."

"Sorry."

I swallow down the lump in my throat. "I just want to go to sleep, Astoria. Please stop talking." My body trembles with sorrow, an aching in my gut that makes me nauseous, a burning in my throat that makes it damn near impossible not to cry, a throbbing in my chest where my heart once was. A few tears slip down my cheeks, and I don't even have time to wipe them away before Astoria moves to the top of my bed and wraps her arms around me like Daphne does. I take her hand in mine and let myself cry openly, closing my eyes and accepting the pain.

Zoe turns toward me, her eyes angry and full of hate. "You should've stayed in Azkaban. You deserve a punishment for getting me killed."

I jolt awake. It's been a couple of hours since Astoria and I talked. She's gone, and suddenly I miss someone holding me, protecting me. I roll over and stare up at the ceiling. For the next few hours I lie there, afraid to go back to sleep, until I hear the other seventh-year girls around the dormitory begin to stir. Doing my best to avoid them, I crawl out of bed and begin getting ready for the day, a day that begins by going to Severus's office for my lessons on fighting the Imperius Curse.

Less than an hour later I regret my choice to come here for these lessons.

I'm pacing back and forth in front of Severus's desk (willingly, not because of the Imperius Curse). "I don't know," I say quietly. "I don't think I can."

He watches me for a moment before saying, "It's the only way. You've failed at breaking free from the curse because you enjoy the carefree feeling it causes. If I take that happiness away, you'll have no reason to refuse fighting the curse."

"This is the worst idea you've ever had!"

"In my reign at Hogwarts, students did not speak to their headmaster like that," a portrait scoffs.

"You also never asked this much of a student," Severus says. His black eyes meet mine. "We're not giving up now, Charlotte. You will not continue to lose to him. This is something you must do."

"But…what if I can't?" I whisper frantically. "What if I can't resist the curse?"

"You will," he assures me.

"But just say—"

"Then perhaps, hopefully, hearing my screams of agony—"

"That doesn't help!"

"—will give you the mental confidence you need to break free. You'll do fine."

"But I don't—"

"It's the best way to make you break the curse." His tone is so final I know it'll be useless to attempt arguing anymore, but I still disagree with his choice here.

Either way, I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself. I doubt I'll be able to resist the Imperius Curse, and if I am unable, I will be placing Snape under the Cruciatus Curse. This is his grand scheme to get me to overcome the blissful happiness the Imperius Curse gives. He firmly believes that my happiness will be overshadowed by the pain I'm causing him. He puts too much stock into how much I care about him. No, he doesn't. It's really no secret to either of you that he's the single most important person in your life right now.

Whatever. I push that thought from my mind. The fact of the matter is that he's putting far too much faith in me. I don't want to risk this.

"Ready?" he asks, standing and coming to this side of his desk with me.

"Not at all."

"What a shame," he says. "Im—"

The portrait of Dumbledore speaks up, saying, "Severus, if I may say something to Miss Rodgers."

Severus turns to the portrait of the former. "Of course, Albus."

"Miss Rodgers," Dumbledore addresses me, "I have seen you manipulate your thoughts with hardly any trouble. I have seen you direct me through your thoughts, showing only what you wanted to show. I have witnessed you being thrown backward as I attempted to penetrate your mind, yet you did not break. Severus has informed me that you kept Lord Voldemort out of your mind on many occasions." Why would he have shared that information with Dumbledore? I doubt Dumbledore really cares how my abilities with Occlumency have fared. "I believe that you are more than capable of resisting the Imperius Curse. I believe you simply do not have enough confidence in yourself. But I, along with Severus, have confidence and faith in you."

Severus looks back at me. "Are you ready?"

I ignore the emotion building in me and nod. "As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."

"Imperio!"

My mind blanks, leaving behind an immense, carefree bliss. I want to stay in this state forever.

Or I thought I would like to stay like this until I hear, "You know what to do, Charlotte. Cruciate me."

My hand raises my wand of its own volition, but I cannot stop myself, despite how badly I do not want to harm him. He's my best friend, as odd as it for me to realize that in this moment. I can't do this to him. I can't Cruciate him. But I can't stop either. "Crucio!"

Severus falls to the floor, yelling in pain. But I cannot stop myself. His screams bring tears to my eyes, and finally I'm able to resist the Imperius Curse. I drop my wand to the floor. Snape pulls himself up to his feet using his desk and groans. "That was…fine," he says. The he almost grins. "I only ask that you try harder the next time."

I blurt out, "Sev-Sir, I can't do this." Heat rises to my cheeks when I realize that I've almost called him his first name to his face, and I bend down to pick up my wand to hide my embarrassment. He doesn't seem to have noticed. I quickly add, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then fight the curse."

"But—"

"Imperio."

That same feeling consumes me, and I smile at the professor. Then my hand raises once more, and the Cruciatus Curse is pulled from my mouth.

Again Severus falls to the floor, shouting, and I can do nothing to stop it. After a short moment, my throat burning horribly because I'm the one causing him this pain, I'm able to pull myself free from the curse and drop my wand again, but Snape remains on the floor. I lower myself beside him and sit down. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, hanging my head. "I'm so sorry."

"Charlotte, you don't have to apologize to me," he says breathlessly, moving across the floor to sit leaning against his desk. "This was my idea."

I've hurt him. I don't want to keep doing this. I want to stop. I'd rather face Voldemort and be unable to break the curse than continue hurting him.

"We'll continue trying," he says after a moment.

"Wait—"

"Charlotte, we're running low on time."

"I'd rather face the Dark Lord unprepared than—"

"Imperio."

The feeling washes over me again, and I suddenly it doesn't seem so bad that I've hurt Severus. Against my will, I stand up and take a few steps away from him. He continues sitting on the floor, and for a moment he closes his eyes as if bracing himself. When he opens them again, my wand raises and aims at him. "Cru—" I stop in the middle of the curse and take a breath. That bliss from the Imperius Curse shatters, and I breathe easily.

Severus closes his eyes and sighs in relief. "And it's that easy," he says softly.

"'That easy'?" I scoff. "'That easy'?"

"Yes. Again. Imperio!"

That same amazing feeling floods through me once more.

"You know what to do," he says.

My hand rises again, pointing my wand at him, and he flinches. I close my eyes and attempt to protect my mind like I do Occlumency. The peaceful feeling drops away from me, and a smile spreads across the faces of both Severus and the portrait Dumbledore. "All you needed was confidence, and a nice reason to be forced to resist the curse," Dumbledore says.

"And it will be that easy this Saturday," Severus says as he pulls himself to his feet.

"But not really," I comment.

"It will be," he repeats. "It will be."

I shake my head but cannot voice my disagreement. It would likely only cause an argument that I cannot currently win.

I push away from the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, stretch my arms, and sigh loudly as I make my way to McGonagall's office for my last detention before I will be called away from Hogwarts. I have one more night in the safety of the castle. And I'm spending it in detention.

I knock on McGonagall's office door and enter only when given permission. "Will I be cleaning again?" I ask curtly.

"Yes."

She waves her wand, and that same blue bucket as always appears. I snatch it up and go to the left side of her office, the side I have not yet completely cleaned this week. Again we do not speak to one another.

You're leaving tomorrow to go to Voldemort.

I choke on my breath, but McGonagall does not even look up.

Perhaps Severus was right. I shouldn't have shut everyone out like this. I doubt McGonagall even realizes that this is the weekend I'll be going back to Malfoy Manor. I mentioned to her, in a rude way, that I would be called back to the manor, and I doubt if she even really remembers. I'm sure she was angry at the time and hardly noticed what I said.

A short while later she says, "You're free to go back to your common room."

I drop the sponge into the bucket, the water splashing onto my legs. With a deep breath, I walk over to the chair in front of the professor's desk and sit down, my eyes burning with tears already. McGonagall does not look at me, and it takes a moment before I even my breath out enough to hoarsely say, "He killed her."

Finally she sets aside the essays she's grading. "Who?"

I close my eyes for a brief moment. "He killed her, Professor."

"Rodgers—"

"He sent his Death Eaters after us and he killed her in front of me while my mother held me back. He killed her in cold blood because I love her. He tortured her and killed her and I was dragged from the room and there was nothing I could do and he laughed at me as I pled for her life and then I went back to her flat to gather some of things together and Jesse her coworker came by and I found out that he was the one who turned us over to the Death Eater and I stabbed him to death and went back to—and the Dark Lord found out and sent me—" A sob tears through me.

"Rodgers, I don't—"

"And I've been acting like this because I can't handle the thought of being the reason anyone else I love being murdered or sent—" I stop again.

"Slow down and explain what's happened," she says gently.

All this will do is endanger her, and I cannot let that happen because of me. I cannot bear to watch her die as I watched Zoe die. I wipe my tears, stand, and go for the door, only to freeze when she calls out, "You don't have to run away."

I flatten my hand against the door, debating what to do. "Professor, if I tell you what's happened, you'll be in danger."

"I'm currently working alongside three Death Eaters. Anyone who opposes You-Know-Who is constantly in danger here at Hogwarts."

She has a point of course, but then flashes through my mind the thought of her being tortured while a laughing Bellatrix holds me back. I sigh and leave her office. Most of the students are hidden away in the assigned common rooms, but I do catch sight of two stray Ravenclaw girls, fifth-years I believe, wandering around. We don't acknowledge each other, and by the time I reach the Slytherin Dungeon, my heart is pounding so hard, feels so heavy, that I fear I might simply fall over and die.

And it's in that moment that I realize how foolish I am. I cannot bear this alone—I'm going to the manor tomorrow. I cannot live like this any longer.

So, I sprint back out of the dungeons and straight to McGonagall's office where I throw her door open and say, while approaching her desk, "The Dark Lord found out that I murdered Jesse as revenge for Zoe and so he sent me to Azkaban where I tried to kill myself and that's when he changed my memories because I was at the brink of death anyway so why not make me into the perfect little Aurelia Lestrange that he always wanted me to be especially since Azkaban had already broken my mind and sent me spiraling? At some point tonight he will call me back to Malfoy Manor so that he can attempt once more to impregnate me, and I will be trapped there over the weekend." I take a breath, and, the weight of the world no longer bearing down on me, I collapse into the chair in front of her desk.

"Rodgers—"

"And I've been so rude because I hoped to spare you—one, from learning about this at all and two, from possibly getting you sent to Azkaban or worse—and the only way I could do that was through keeping all of you away from me. But I can't do it anymore, Professor. I'm dying. I don't sleep, I don't eat. I'm exhausted and I can't keep doing this any longer."

McGonagall watches me for a long moment in silence, a shocked look on her face as she digests everything I just threw at her. "You went to Azkaban," she says quietly. "Why didn't you say anything?"

I bury my face into my hands. "I didn't want you—I didn't want anyone—no one needed to go—especially not the ones I love—so I pushed everyone away—I don't—"

"Calm down," she says kindly.

I nod, breathing deeply, trying to obey her. I wipe my face. "The Dark Lord said that he'd send everyone I love to Azkaban or kill them, so I felt the only thing I could do was push all of my friends and you away because I cannot bear to witness something like that again." I clear my throat awkwardly and stand to my feet. "I—I need to leave. I'm running low on time before I'm called back."

I beat a hasty retreat, ignoring her as she calls my name after me.

I go to Severus's office instead of going to the Slytherin Dungeons as I should so I can get my rest before tomorrow morning—when I actually am going to Malfoy Manor, because I'm certainly not going tonight, but I felt it best to tell McGonagall that I was, simply so I could have time to suffer by myself. She would be more willing to let me leave her office if she thinks I'm headed to the manor than if I just want to be alone.

Well, maybe I don't actually want to suffer by myself. What I really want it to speak with Severus because it's the one thing in this world that makes me feel better in this situation.

I knock timidly, and just a moment later I hear him call out, "Enter."

I push the door open and say quietly, "Good evening, Professor."

"Charlotte," he greets me with a smile, a smile that fades quickly when he meets my eyes. "Are you all right?"

And his kind voice simply asking that breaks me. The heavy weight on my chest, the one so recently lost, comes crashing down on me again, and my eyes fill with tears. Severus stands and comes toward me. "I…" My voice fails me, and all I can do is shake my head.

He places his hands on my shoulders. "Look at me," he softly commands. I obey. "What's wrong?"

I shake my head again and answer, "Will you help my practice fighting the Imperius Curse again?"

He watches me closely. "That isn't why you came here, is it?"

I swallow down the lump in my throat. "No, Professor."

"What's happened?" His voice is low, almost as if he is trying to keep the portraits from hearing.

"I…I didn't want to be alone." This would be the first time I would face Voldemort after being alone the night before. Both times I was forced to go see the Dark Lord, Severus graciously kept me company, once in the chair beside my bed and once in his room, all so I would not have to be alone. I feel guilty asking for him to stay by my side again, but I can't be alone right now.

He's silent for a moment, then nods understandingly. Without a word he returns to his desk, takes out a piece of parchment, and writes something down. Then he folds the parchment and hands it to me. "Follow those instructions precisely."

I open the note and read it. I am to go to the girls' bathroom on the second floor again and wait until it is exactly eleven 'o' clock. Then I am to Apparate to Severus's private chambers so the portraits don't get the wrong idea.

I waste no time following those instructions, and a few short minutes later I Apparate to the headmaster's chambers and find Snape already there.

"Thank you," I whisper to him, the tears trickling down my eyes.

He simply nods.

My eyes land on the black sofa in his quarters. "I'll sleep there."

"Are you certain?" he asks gently. "You can take the bed. You've a long day ahead of you, and I know you don't sleep as it is."

I furrow my brow. Since when is he nice enough to offer his own bed? "Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. Anything is better than the dormitories," I say, lying down on the black sofa, not really expecting to get much sleep either way. Severus walks over and hands me a blanket and a pillow.

"Well, I must agree that you definitely have the worst people to live with—Parkinson?" He scrunches his nose. "She's—"

"Dreadful," I interject.

He grins at me, and I take the pillow and blanket from him gratefully. "You should really try to rest, Charlotte. I"—he sits down at a desk beside the sofa that had not been there moments before—"will continue working."

"Sorry to interrupt your work, headmaster," I whisper, turning my back to him and facing the back of the sofa.

He chuckles softly, but I can't hear what he says.