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Chapter 9

Ellie faced her laptop screen. Buck was telling her about some prank Vin and Nathan had pulled on the new guy on their team. She managed a smile, but couldn't follow his story. Her eyes kept straying to the empty space next to Buck, where Chris usually sat.

"Where's Chris?" she finally asked.

Buck's smile dimmed. "Outside. "

"Is he going stir crazy already?" Ellie asked.

There was a long pause and Ellie knew what was coming next.

"When?" she asked.

"We head out tonight," Buck said.

Ellie's stomach clenched. She hated their deployments. But when they had to go offline for a mission, it was even worse. It would be days or weeks with no contact. She felt like she couldn't take a breath until she got the email from Buck that they were all back on base.

"Chris ain't talkin' about it, but…you know."

It was their first big operation since the joint mission on their last deployment when they lost a member of the Delta team.

"Can I talk to him?" Ellie asked. She kept her hands in her lap where Buck couldn't see them and clenched her fingers together.

Buck looked at her with concern. "You sure you want to do that? You know there's no gettin' through to him when he gets in his head."

Ellie wanted to tell Buck she wasn't calling to check on Chris. She needed to talk to him, to give him the news that still had her reeling.

"Buck," she said, encouraging him to get Chris.

Buck sighed, but nodded. He turned and called to JD, telling him to go get Chris.

When Buck turned back to his computer, Ellie forced herself to keep going. "Can I talk to him alone?" she asked.

Buck's brow furrowed. He shook his head in resignation. "Maybe you can calm him down some," he said.

Ellie tried to hold back her grimace. She didn't think anything she needed to tell Chris would ease his mind at all.

When Chris came into view, Buck stood and yelled to Josiah and JD that they needed to clear out.

Chris took the chair in front of the computer silently. Ellie listened for the door to close behind the last man out of the barracks.

Ellie did her best to keep her voice from shaking. "Chris," she started.

"Don't do this," Chris said. His voice was emotionless, no expression on his face.

"Do what?" Ellie asked. She would give anything to just reach out to him and touch him. Brush that hardened expression from his face.

"Whatever this is. There's nothing to say."

"Ok, but there is," she said. The nerves that had nearly strangled her earlier when she thought about doing this wrapped around throat until she couldn't get the words out.

"We're not doing this," Chris said, finality in his words. "We head out tonight and I need to focus on that. On protecting my team."

Ellie heard what he wasn't saying. That he was taking on the responsibility if anything went wrong. And she saw what she knew he would never want anyone to see. He was terrified of something going wrong.

She didn't know why she hadn't thought of what he was going through. She had been so wrapped up in her pregnancy, reeling from that news, that she hadn't even thought of what the news would mean to Chris. If she crashed into his world right now and dropped this news on him, what would it do to him? It wasn't like he had some nine to five job that didn't require his full attention. If he was distracted by anything, it could be the difference between life and death.

"Is something wrong?" Chris asked. His hardened exterior softened almost imperceptibly.

Ellie tried to get her expression under control. "I needed to tell you…that I miss you," she said sincerely. "I wish you were home."

Chris' sigh came out on a harsh breath. His jaw worked. But he didn't say anything.

"Just…be safe," she said. Every phrase she had tried to think of to tell him she was pregnant fell to the wayside. "Please come home safe," she whispered. Her fingers wrapped together more tightly.

"We'll be home soon," he said.

Five months wasn't soon and they both knew it. But Ellie nodded. "Soon," she repeated after him.

"You want to talk to Buck some more?" Chris asked.

Ellie shook her head. There was no way she would be able to hold onto her tenuous thread of composure if she faced Buck after seeing Chris. "I'll talk to you both when you get back on base," she said hoarsely. Safely and in one piece, she added silently.

#

Chris stared unseeing out the window of the aged bus the military used to transport troops to the helipad. From there they would go to the isolated outpost they would be based out of for the next two weeks. Longer if anything changed. And with how unstable things were in this corner of the world, things would change.

But it wasn't thoughts about the upcoming mission that were distracting him. It was Ellie's expression that kept him from seeing anything out the window. The look on her face, it wasn't one he had seen before. She had looked lonely. Worried. Terrified.

He clenched his teeth together. He hated being on this side of the world and not able to find out what was going on with Ellie. Clearly it was something. But then she had put on a brave face and assured him everything was fine and he hadn't been able to bring himself to push for anything more. If he had pushed, she might have opened up to him and thought he was someone she could get close to. There was no way he would let her make that mistake. No matter what it cost him, he wasn't about to let Ellie get hurt.

If he was honest, the idea of anything more with Ellie was more frightening than anything he might face on this deployment. He knew who he was, the way he had failed everyone on the last deployment. There was no way he would risk failing Ellie.

"Chris," Buck's voice broke through the dark of the bus.

Chris shifted in his seat. The rest of the men were talking, the occasional laugh carrying to Chris.

"Yeah." He looked over at Buck in the seat across the aisle from his.

"What'd Ellie want to talk to you about?" Buck asked.

Chris stilled. He didn't know what to tell his friend, the man who had had his back for years.

"She's worried about us staying safe," Chris said.

"Hm," Buck grunted. "She ain't been herself. You saw how shook up she was last time we talked," he said.

Chris had seen. Ellie had never been much good at hiding anything. Something had her more shook up than she had ever been before with their deployments. Chris frowned. He wasn't vain enough to think it had anything to do with him—with what had happened between him and Ellie.

He settled back into his seat again, turning his face back to the window.

#

Ellie made it to her desk in the reception area and half fell into her chair. She dropped her purse near the bottom drawer, not making any attempt to open the drawer. Close enough.

She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, holding back a groan. The mild queasiness that had followed her through a few days over the past week had become a constant threat of vomiting since she woke up this morning.

"Rough night?"

Ellie cracked one eye open.

Casey leaned her elbows on the reception desk, concern in her dark eyes. But also eagerness. "You have to tell me all about it," she said. "I never go out. If you went out and look like this today, it had to have been a great night."

"It's not—" Ellie started to say, but then the meager breakfast she had managed to get down started coming up. She grabbed for the trash can under her desk and stuck her head in it, gagging and retching.

"Oh, Ellie," Casey crooned sympathetically. She rounded the desk and crouched down next to Ellie, but Ellie was too miserable to lift her head and look at Casey.

She groaned as her stomach finally stopped heaving and lifted her head from the trash bin.

Casey went to water cooler and brought back a small paper cup.

Ellie took it, rinsing her mouth and spitting into the trash. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes again.

"So not a hangover," Casey said.

"No," Ellie moaned.

"Should you be here?" Casey asked. "I can tell Dr. Baker you're sick. If you have the flu—"

"It's not the flu," Ellie said.

"What…?" Casey trailed off.

Ellie risked a look at her.

"You're not…Are you…?"

Ellie closed her eyes again, squeezing them shut this time. Telling Casey wasn't her plan. At least, not before she told Chris. But Chris was off the grid for at least the next two weeks and Ellie clearly wasn't keeping her secret under wraps too well.

"9 weeks," Ellie said.

She heard Casey let out a little squeak, but with her eyes closed couldn't tell if it was from shock or excitement.

"Ellie!" Casey exclaimed. "That's amazing! Isn't it?" she asked. "Is it? Or not?"

Ellie started to shake her head, then thought better of it once her stomach started rolling again. "I don't know," she said honestly. "It's…not something I planned."

"Yeah," Casey said. "I bet not."

Ellie felt Casey shift so she was sitting on the edge of the desk. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Ellie didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to talk to Chris. She wanted Buck home. She didn't want to be doing this alone.

She sniffled, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat. Her lip started to quiver and she bit down on it.

"Awww Ellie," Casey said, all sympathy. She wrapped her arms around Ellie.

Ellie hadn't had anyone to hug, or to talk to, since Buck had left nearly two months ago. She tried to hold her tears in.

"It's ok," Casey said, hugging her tighter. "It will be ok. I'm here if you want to talk."

Ellie managed a nod against Casey's shoulder. Someone else knowing her secret took some of the weight of it. The constant knot in her stomach loosened slightly.

The door from the exam area opened and Ellie quickly pulled away from Casey, dashing at her eyes and the tears that had escaped. Casey discreetly slid the box of Kleenex over to her.

"Morning, Dr. Baker," Casey said.

The elderly dentist looked between them. His kindly brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"Everything's fine," Ellie said before anyone could say anything more. "Just a rough morning." She forced a smile that felt brittle.

Dr. Baker still looked concerned. "Let me know if you need anything," he said.

"Sure thing," Ellie said, her attempt at brightness ringing false.

Dr. Baker looked at her with concern for another moment before he turned to Casey. "Can you set up exam room three for a root canal? That's our first appointment of the day."

Casey hopped down from the desk. She looked back at Ellie. She mouthed silently to her, We'll talk later.

Ellie waited until she had the reception area to herself again. Her head fell forward onto her desk with a dull thud. She let out another groan.

#