LuvReading, thank you as always for leaving such a nice review! I had terrible morning sickness with all my pregnancies, so I'm right with you, commiserating over how awful it is for Ellie. :) I really appreciate your support and you taking the time to leave reviews after you read. It means the world to me. Please feel free to put in any requests you may have for any of my stories. :)

Chapter 11

"Have you given any thought to what you want to do after you leave here?"

Hannah stared out the window of her therapist's office. Outside, the treese were barren, the ground white with snow. She idly looked for any signs of tracks in the snow.

"Hannah?" her therapist asked.

Hannah forced herself to look at the woman. She held back a heavy sigh. "Go home," she said.

"How do you feel about going home?" she asked.

Hannah looked back out the window. There was no snow in Tucson. She liked watching the birds hopping through the snow under the bird feeders outside the windows. She rubbed at the scars on her arms, mostly faded now. She hadn't cut any new marks into her arms since she had been here. Home was where she cut. Home was where the pressure built and built until a razor was her only release valve.

"What does going home make you think of?" the therapist asked, changing tacks.

Loneliness. Failure. Shame. "Family," Hannah said, forcing her eyes back to the therapist. "A support system." Silence. Judgment. Anger.

"That's a good thing to have, isn't it?"

Hannah nodded. She glanced at the clock. The therapist followed her eyes.

"Alright, our time is up. I'd like for you to write down three people at home you can trust, and how you can ask them for help if you start feeling like you're going to hurt yourself. We'll go over it together next time."

Hannah nodded. She let the older woman open the door for her to exit the office. She thanked her quietly and headed down the nearly empty hallway toward the residential section of the building. Christmas lights hung around the doorways, an attempt at a festive mood.

Three people at home she could trust. Hannah made her way to her room. She ignored the paper on her desk. Three people. She could name one.

Josiah. And he wasn't at home. He hadn't lived in Tucson for several years.

Maybe…maybe she didn't have to go back to Tucson. Josiah had built a life for himself in Denver. Maybe she could, too.

Hannah sank down on her bed, rubbing damp palms together. The thought of leaving what she had always known was daunting, but not as much as the thought of telling her father. What would he say if she didn't come home? If she didn't return and sit in the front row of church every week with a smile pasted on her face to show how very admirable their family was.

Hannah did move to her desk then. She pulled out a sheet of paper and picked up her pen. With shaky fingers she started to write. But it wasn't three people she could trust back home in Tucson. It was three ways she could ask Josiah if she could stay with him in Denver. Her heart thudded as if she was rebelling.

#

Chris stood under the lukewarm stream of water. He lowered his head, letting the weak stream rinse the grit from his hair. The water stung his eyes, cooled his overheated skin. Even though the nights were cold, the days were still temperate. It was good to be back on the base with warmer quarters than the outpost they had spent the last several weeks at.

And they had all made it back.

Chris turned off the water and grabbed for the rough towel. He could hear the other men laughing as they shaved, shampooed, and got somewhat closer to civilized now that they were back. There would no doubt be a line for the computer tomorrow morning when they contacted their family back home and caught up with them. It being Christmas morning tomorrow would only add to their eagerness to connect with family.

Chris pulled on his clothes and made his way back to the barracks.

He made it to his bunk and dropped onto it. He didn't have anyone to send an email to. His family was the men he shared the barracks with. And Ellie.

He had mostly managed to keep thoughts of Ellie away. But now that they were back on base without the constant work and missions they were running, thoughts of her forced their way in.

His thin mattress in the crowded barracks, with government issued sheets and blankets couldn't compare to his bed at home. But more than that, the emptiness next to him couldn't compare to the feel of Ellie, her soft hair spilling across his shoulder. Her lean legs stretched out next to him. The complete look of peace on her face when she slept next to him.

Chris didn't know the last time he had felt peace. But he had come close when he was with Ellie. The way she seemed to know just how to be with him, to give him a reprieve from his memories with her touch, her smiles. Her lips on him.

Chris blew out a harsh breath. He had nothing to offer Ellie in return. That's why he would cut himself out of Ellie's life if that's what was best for her. He might be miserable, but at least he had the small comfort of knowing she was home avoiding all the misery he would bring to her.

#

Ellie's stomach clenched as she continued to heave, but had nothing more to bring up.

She groaned, then bit it back when her stomach threatened to rebel again. She dragged herself to her couch and collapsed there.

From her ground floor apartment, she could see the snow on the ground. Across the barren courtyard, Christmas lights twinkled in other apartment windows.

"Merry Christmas," she murmured into the silent apartment.

Ellie reached for the glass of ginger ale on her coffee table and risked an experimental sip. When it eased her queasiness, she pulled a cracker from the box that now lived on her coffee table. Another box permanently resided on her nightstand.

She closed her eyes while she nibbled on the cracker.

Four crackers and her stomach was settled. Not that it mattered. It was Christmas Eve and she had nowhere to go.

She pushed herself upright, making a halfhearted attempt to push her hair back from her face. The movement made her think of Chris. The way he had looked at her when the only light coming into his room was from the moon. His eyes had softened, an expression only for her. And then his rough hands had brushed her hair back from her face with a tenderness she hadn't known he possessed. He had kept his hands on her face, holding her there with a light touch and then moving his lips—

She needed to get out of this apartment.

Ellie got on her boots and shrugged on her heavy coat, pulling a hat over hair she hadn't washed in three days and tugging on mittens. There wasn't much point in styling your hair when you didn't have a job.

She pocketed her keys and closed the door behind her. The Denver air was bracing, it felt good on her flushed cheeks.

She bypassed the parking lot. Her car wasn't going anywhere. Shortly after Dr. Banks had told her she was losing her job, her car had given a loud cough and refused to do anything other than lurch along. Until she found another job she didn't want to risk spending any of her unemployment checks on the repair.

An apartment door opened, an elderly woman calling out a greeting to the family that was coming up the walk. Happy shouts and hugs before they were drawn inside. Ellie bit her lip and walked faster.

Nothing was open on Christmas Eve. It wasn't like she had anywhere to go. She just walked. Continuing down the sidewalk until the neighborhood moved from apartment buildings to small retail shops. A few more blocks and she was at the line where the neighborhoods changed from 'almost decent' to 'don't walk alone after dark'.

Ellie turned the corner to start a course back to her lonely apartment. She crossed a sidewalk that hadn't been shoveled, her boots adding to the prints that came before hers. Another block and there was a building lit up, open for business.

Ellie pushed the door open, not exactly sure who she would find inside Ezra's bar.

Only a couple tables had couples sitting at them. Christmas music played softly. Ellie made her way to the bar and took the same stool she had last time. She took off her coat and mittens, laying them on the empty stool next to hers.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," a familiar drawl said.

Ellie felt some of the tension drain from her shoulders, a warmth replacing the lonely holiday chill.

"I wasn't expecting to be here," she answered Ezra.

"Well it's a welcome surprise," Ezra said. He worked behind the bar and handed her a glass. "Merry Christmas," he said with a wryness that made Ellie suspect he wasn't a fan of the holiday. That was fine, she wasn't feeling much like celebrating Christmas this year herself.

"Merry Christmas," she returned. She took a sip of the drink. "The same as last time?" she asked.

"I can make something different," Ezra said.

Ellie shook her head and took another sip. The juices and the Sprite settled her lingering queasiness. "It's perfect," she sighed.

Ezra gave her a curious look, but didn't comment. He leaned his elbows against the bar on his side. "No festivities planned for tonight?" he asked.

Ellie shook her head, looking down at the alcohol free mixed drink. "No family tonight," she said softly. Her heart clenched at the admission.

"I find myself in the same boat. Though in my situation, it's a welcome situation."

Ellie looked up at Ezra. His eyes were shadowed, but his mouth quirked in a grin. "If you met my mother, you would know why I'm here working instead of traveling to see her for the holidays."

Ellie met his grin with a wan one of her own. But it felt good to smile.

Ezra glanced over at the door as another couple came in. "Excuse me," he said.

Ellie watched him go. She liked him. He had always given her a formal sounding thank you card after she brought him birthday cookies. But she had a feeling underneath the proper exterior was a guy who was just as lonely as she was.

Ellie sipped her drink. She even managed to get half of it down by the time the bar had emptied out and it was just her and Ezra left.

"Can I walk you out to your car?" Ezra asked.

Ellie shook her head. "I walked."

His brow furrowed. "Alone?"

Ellie tried for an encouraging smile. "I do lots of things alone. It'll be fine."

"I can give you a lift home, if you don't mind waiting for me to close up," Ezra said. Ellie couldn't imagine him strong arming her to accept the ride, the way Chris or Buck would, but she could see he would worry if she walked back to their apartment building alone.

"I'd appreciate that," she said honestly.

Ezra snagged a bowl of peanuts from farther down the bar and slid them towards her. "I won't be long."

Ellie recoiled from the peanuts, but not before the scent hit her. Her tentative truce with her stomach expired and she slid off the stool, scrambling for the restroom at the back of the bar.

What little she had managed to drink came right back up.

She heard a knock on the door, but couldn't find her voice to answer.

"Ellie?" Ezra's voice came through the door. She could hear the worry. She wanted to reassure him she was fine, but then her stomach rolled again and she was emptying its nonexistent contents a second time.

"Miss Ellie, I'm coming in," Ezra announced.

Ellie was too sick to feel embarrassed at Ezra seeing her kneeling on the floor of the bar bathroom.

Worried lines creased his face.

"You're ill?" he asked.

Ellie nodded. She couldn't quite bring herself to say anything right then. Her stomach had stopped heaving, and she started to get her feet under her.

Ezra moved quickly to offer his assistance. Ellie gladly took his arm. Tears pressed at the back of her eyes at the simple gesture. After weeks of pulling herself up from her bathroom floor, having someone at her side was no small blessing. One she didn't take for granted.

Ezra kept his arm on her, reaching for a paper towel and wetting it before handing it to her. Ellie gratefully took it and dabbed at her face.

"I'll take you home now," Ezra said.

"No," Ellie argued, her voice rough from the bile that had just come up, stinging her throat. "You don't have to do that." She let go of his arm, intending to show him just how fine she was. She took a step away from him, straightening up.

The room tilted and she staggered a step. She blinked at the black dots scattered across her vision. She heard Ezra's voice, but it was too far away. She stumbled another step as the blackness overtook her and the ground came up to meet her.

#