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Sorry this update took so long. Classes have started back and I'm working two jobs this semester, so updates might be slower than they were over the summer months.

CHAPTER 36

I wake up shivering that next morning, the cold floor seeping all warmth away, and I choke down the lump in my throat. I'm so stupid. I should have warned Severus the moment he admitted that he wanted to continue last night. I should have warned him about the impending robbery so he wouldn't think I was just distracting him because that's not at all what that was about.

Pulling my legs closer to my chest doesn't bring any warmth, but it's slightly more comfortable so I can't complain too much, I guess. This is all my fault anyway.

I wonder what would happen if I tried to Apparate to Severus's chambers right now. No, that's ridiculous. Of course he's put the wards back up. He doesn't want to see me. He'll probably never want to see me again. Not that I can blame him. He has every right to be upset with me. I take a shaky breath and readjust my robe-pillow. Maybe I'll be able to fall back asleep. Severus himself told me that getting rest will help me face Voldemort, and so far I've gotten some rest every time I go to the manor. I fear what might happen if I'm weak and exhausted because I slept on the cold floor.

A gruff, "Wake up," startles me from my slumber in the early hours that next morning, and I open my eyes to see Severus looking down at me. For a moment I think all is forgiven between the two of us and that he has come down here to tell me that we are once more on good terms and that I can sleep on the sofa in his chamber for the rest of the night, but I meet his cruel, distant eyes and know that this is not the case. "You must head to Malfoy Manor. Disapparate from here to the drawing room. Your chaperone will be waiting for you."

"Professor, I—" He takes a step away from me, and I reach out to him but fail to grab him. "Severus, wait!" But he Disapparates, leaving me in this room alone again. I groan and drop my head back onto my robe-pillow for a moment before forcing myself to stand and make myself presentable. Then I Apparate to the manor, my eyelids drooping and my heart like a brick in my chest.

I am pleased to find Narcissa waiting for me, and I offer her a weak smile. I don't think I could handle trying to entertain Draco or trying to connect with Rodolphus right now. "Something's happened," my aunt says kindly, wrapping her arm around me and leading me from the drawing room.

"Yeah, it has. Is it possible for me to just lie down for a while? I didn't sleep well last night. I'm kind of exhausted."

Narcissa escorts me up the stairs and to the guest room I always use. "Bella told me about the Lestrange brothers arriving at the cabin. How're you holding up?"

I shrug. "It didn't affect me much, I guess. I just…" I shake my head. Narcissa doesn't need to know that Severus and are actually friends—at least we were, I can't be sure that he will ever forgive me. Narcissa allows me to climb onto the bed without saying a word, and then she pulls up a chair, sets it next to the bed, and props her feet up on the mattress, an action that makes me smile because it's so unlike the persona she usually gives off. "You don't have to babysit me. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I know that. But you seem relatively…different. Though you would not usually run away from the manor, I am unsure what you might do in this state. Do you usually sleep that poorly?"

"No, I can actually sleep really well. I just…had a fallout with a friend and let it get to me so I couldn't sleep. What did Mum say about Rodolphus and Rabastan?"

"Just that they arrived and that there was a fight."

"Did she tell you about the fight?" I ask, closing my eyes.

"A bit."

"She's in love with the Dark Lord, isn't she? She won't admit it to me, but I'm guessing you've—"

"That's not something I'm willing to comment on."

I exhale and open my eyes so I can catch her reaction to my next question. "Did she tell you that the Dark Lord intends for me not only to have his child but also to produce future Death Eaters for him?"

She seems unfazed, so I'm assuming this lie is what she's been told too. Only Severus and the Dark Lord and I know the truth. And Severus will never speak to me again. "I've heard. Children can actually be quite wonderful. I've never loved anyone the way I love Draco."

A smile actually comes to my face. But it's short-lived. I won't actually get to experience that. "How's Draco?"

"Exhausted. We're all so tired."

"Tired of the Dark Lord residing in your home?" She glances at me but doesn't answer. "And it'll get better when Harry is killed? Or do you think it'll just get worse?"

"I don't know."

"Where's Mum?"

"On a mission for the Dark Lord."

I close my eyes again, almost wishing she were here with me instead of off doing whatever for Voldemort. I wrap my arms tightly around myself, debating if I should ask when Bellatrix will be back. After losing Severus, it might be nice to see her, to know that I haven't lost her, to know that even if I don't have Severus, I have my mother. Instead I say, "Can I thank you, Narcissa?"

"For what?"

"You've been nice to me when you really don't have to. I appreciate it. I really, really do. I just want you to know that."

At some point later a warm hands brushes my hair away from my face, and I open my eyes to see Narcissa sitting on the edge of the bed. "It's time to get up." I lift my hand and cover hers as it strokes through my hair, tears in my eyes. "Are you all right, Charlotte?"

"I'm so tired of being hurt," I whisper.

She takes my hands in hers and holds them close. "Fighting him so far has been a part of who you are, but that doesn't mean you have to continue doing that, Charlotte. No one will think any less of you if you decide to spare yourself pain. I know I won't. I would've stopped fighting after the first beating. Self-preservation isn't always a bad thing."

I nod at her, but I know that I can't stop fighting him. It would feel wrong, completely wrong, to submit to him and let him do this to me without me trying to stop it or at least make it more frustrating for him.

Very gently she pulls me upright. "Come on. You'll be able to leave soon and go back to the castle and rest until Monday."

Narcissa and I do not speak again as we walk to the room. She keeps her hand on my back, every now and then rubbing it kindly as if trying to give me strength to deal with everything that's about to happen to me. My aunt leaves me by the door, and I enter and, as usual, walk to the center of the room and cross my arms over my chest. Only a few short minutes later, Voldemort arrives. "Charlotte," he says coldly.

"Lord Voldemort," I reply with the same tone.

"I've brought an end to your issues with the Carrows."

"If you're expecting a heartfelt thank-you, you won't get one."

Anger flashes across his face before he restrains it. His voice is icy when he says, "I will accept no more disrespect from you."

"Yeah, well, I don't think there's another way," I say. "I know you're going to kill me, so what's the point of trying to show you some respect? I'll die either way. Maybe this way I'll die before I have to birth your devil spawn."

He lurches toward me and grabs me by the neck. "Brave words for a girl who's wrought with fear."

"I don't fear you anymore."

"Is that so?" he asks, his voice mocking. "You might not fear the pain I inflict upon you or our meetings any longer, but you do fear for your friends, your family."

I open my mouth to shout at him, but his grip on my throat chokes the words before I have a chance to speak them. Hot anger grips my heart, and I want to attack him, but he's mentioned my friends and family. I actually do fear what he might do to them. I fear it now more than ever, now that I've witnessed what he's willing to do to those I love.

"I grow tired of your defiant speeches, of your lack of respect. I tolerated it as long as I could, but I will tolerate it no longer."

"I won't change the way I act toward you."

He smiles cruelly. "I thought you might say that."

I'm suddenly standing in Lestrange Cottage, my father kneeling on the floor before my mother. Voldemort's hand comes to a rest on my shoulder. "Now, Bella."

Bellatrix raises her wand, despite Rodolphus's pleadings, and casts the Cruciatus Curse. He screams for mercy, begging for it to end, but Bellatrix does not stop. And I cannot force Voldemort out of my mind.

I try to throw myself at Bellatrix and get her to stop, but Voldemort's arms grab me and hold me back. I can do nothing as I watch Bellatrix torture my father relentlessly. Only when he's stopped screaming, when he's lying in his own piss and shit, when his eyes are lost and distant, when his drool has leaked onto the floor—only then does Voldemort raise his wand and show mercy with the Killing Curse.

Voldemort wrenches himself out of my mind, and I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm too tired to fight his Legilimency right now. "I can make your worst nightmares come true, Charlotte. Continue testing your limits with me, and I'll ensure that you witness your father's death." My mouth opens to reply, but I find myself short of breath and with no voice. "You will not conceive with the beatings and stress you bring upon yourself. You know that as well as I." The beatings that I bring upon myself? From somewhere deep in my throat I growl, prepared to spit on him and yell at him, but before I have a chance, he continues, "Either you stop resisting me, or you may watch your father die."

"No," I grind out.

"You have ten seconds to choose."

"I don't like my options."

"There are no others. You have five seconds before I arrange your father's death."

I scramble for choices, for ways out of this, and I find only one. Hoping he doesn't catch my bluff, because no matter what I will be unable to live with myself if I caused Rodolphus's death, I say, "But he's not really my father if he doesn't know that he is. He's just some man my mum once knew."

Either he misses the fact that I'm lying to him, or just wants to be cruel and make sure that I have no way around his demands, and he says, "Then how about your little friends at Hogwarts? Jacob Butler—it'd be shame to end the life of a pureblood, but I will. Ella Graham, a half-blood; Julia Mitchells, a half-blood. And a young Mr. Christopher Collins, a half-blood to whom you are more connected than you think."

"You won't lay a finger on them!"

"The Greengrass sisters. It'd be so disappointing to shed their blood. Well, for you to shed their blood. You've seemed to grow fond of Severus as well. Shall I bring him back here so that you might torture him?" My heart drops. That's just what I need right now—to cause Severus more pain. "How would you live with yourself? You will have caused the deaths of your friends and your father." He brings his face a little closer to mine. "But you've already had a taste of what that feels like, haven't you?"

I swallow down the lump forming in my throat and ignore the tears pricking my eyes. "Shut up."

"How did it feel, Charlotte, when I had that filthy Mudblood burn her hand in the flame? How did it feel to watch her be Cruciated? How did it feel—"

"Stop talking about her!"

"—to watch her lifeless body hit the floor? How did it feel to be dragged away from her, unable to help her, unable to bring her back? Do you want to experience that again? Do you want to feel again the pain you felt when—what was her name—"

"Shut up!" I cry, tears slipping down my cheeks.

"Ah, yes. Zoe. Zoe Accrington. How did it feel to watch that Mudblood die?"

I close my eyes, and he lets go of me, letting me collapse to the floor and wrap my arms around myself tightly. "Please," I whisper. "Please don't hurt them."

"You know what you must do."

There really is no debating this, I suppose. Nothing can change this. So I wipe my damp cheeks and look up at him. Then I nod. "Okay. I…I'll stop resisting. Just…don't hurt them."

The Dark Lord shakes his head, then lifts me magically to my feet. "Your fear makes you weak."

"Because I love people? From what I hear, that's how Harry Potter defeated you last time."

He takes a step in my direction, and I flinch away. He smiles cruelly. "Harry Potter is but a boy, a boy who is successful because of nothing more than my failures, not his victories. He will not defeat me."

"I believe he will."

His hand grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. "Shall I summon your mother and father to the garden so that she might end his life right now?" I swallow. "Perhaps I should summon the Carrows back with those friends of yours so you can torture them and kill them yourself? Is that what you would prefer, Charlotte?"

I bite my lip to stop it from quivering. One day this monster is going to die, and hopefully I'll be able to witness it. But until then, there is no way around what he wants. I will not let those I love die because I refused to be respectful to him, because I refused to obey him. "Please don't."

He makes a sound as if he's laughing. "It was always going to end this way, Charlotte. Surely you must have known that. From the very beginning you must have known that if I want something, I'll find a way to get it." Unless that means a way to kill Harry Potter. I set my jaw and look away from him. "Only one thing can put a stop to this." With much more effort than it should take, I keep my eyes averted from him. "Conceive the child, and it will all end."

"Until you kill me."

"Respect, Charlotte," he reminds me. "Look me in the eye." Clenching my jaw, I close my eyes and turn my head to him. "Respect." I forcibly open my eyes to meet his. "Was that so hard?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, my Lord."

He releases me. "I'm not going to harm you."

"I think I've heard that lie before."

"But now you know the consequences of your actions, and I do not believe you will resist me again."

Voldemort motions for me to go to the bed, and with a heavy heart I go willingly. There's nothing I can do to stop what is going to happen to me. I can't fight him or even attempt to fight him without my friends being punished for my choices. And they mean too much for me to risk their lives again.

I cannot witness anymore loved ones die a horrible death at the hand of Lord Voldemort. I just can't do it. It almost killed me last time.

Severus was wrong. Severus has always been wrong. I will never be okay, not so long as Voldemort lives. I've lost this, as the Dark Lord always told me I would. Voldemort has won this war with me, and there's nothing I can do anymore. I've become what he wanted me to become: compliant.

But I've made a decision. So long as Voldemort lives, I will never tell anyone if I get pregnant. If he wants my child so badly, I will make sure he never knows if I'm carrying it. He will not have the joy of knowing that he accomplished his mission. I'll keep it to myself as long as possible—even if that means I have to come back here every month instead of getting to be free. I will not give him the satisfaction. No one will ever know—not Voldemort, not Narcissa, not Bellatrix, not Draco, not even Severus or McGonagall. Only I will know.

Until there's no hiding it.

But he will have wasted time trying to get a pregnant girl pregnant, and that's the best I can do right now: waste his time while Harry tries to find a way to kill him.

It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. One that I can find a way to live with for however long I need to.

And with any luck, when he dies, he'll have no idea if I'm having a baby or not.

When Voldemort finally leaves the room some time later, I slide off the bed and onto the stone floor, my insides aching but not nearly as badly as they did the first time this shit happened to me. I stumble across the floor, whining, and grab my clothes, then pull them on. I wrap my robes around myself, then haul my sore body onto the black sofa, pull the blanket off the back of it, and try to get warm. I bring my knees to my chest and try desperately to suppress my sobs.

Not long later—or I'm assuming it's not long later—the door opens, and someone walks in. I don't bother looking up because whoever it is will no doubt introduce themselves shortly. "Charlotte," I hear. So it's not Bellatrix in the room, which I find slightly disappointing. I want to be held by my mother right now. "Charlotte, are you all right?"

Slowly, I lift up my head and find Narcissa standing in front of me, Lucius a few paces behind her. "I'm fine," I whisper coarsely.

My aunt sits down next to me, her hand brushing my hair aside like she did earlier. "Charlotte, are you hurt?"

"No," I reply, tears welling up in my eyes. "I didn't fight him."

"There's no shame in—"

"He threatened them…"

She pauses, her kind words dying away. "Who?"

"Everyone," I whisper. "I can't—I won't—I can't risk the people I care about."

Lucius takes a step forward. "Who did he threaten?"

"Mum, Rodolphus, my friends at Hogwarts. He…he said…they'd be punished…if I…if I continued to fight him. All the beatings and the stress aren't helping me conceive, so he's resorted to threatening my friends."

Narcissa wraps her arms around me. "Oh, Charlotte," she breathes, "I am so sorry."

"You can't tell him I told you," I say firmly. "He'll punish me. Or you." I hide my face in her shoulder and close my eyes. "I want to leave now. I don't want to be here anymore."

My aunt and uncle help me to my feet—Lucius surprises me when he looks at me sympathetically as I groan in pain—and lead me from the room. Bellatrix is coming down the hallways at that moment and immediately takes me into her arms. Despite the pain in my core, I wrap my arms around her as tightly as I can and bury my face in the crook of her neck. She rubs my back soothingly for a moment until I loosen my grip just a bit. "Aurelia," she says, pulling just far enough way to look me in the eye. "Are you all right?" I shrug, my lips quivering, then look way from her. Her hand comes to my cheek, and she rubs her thumb across my skin. "You're fine. You're alive." Not for long, most likely. "You'll get some rest at the castle and feel much better."

I give her a weak nod, and she smiles at me before I grab my belly to brace myself and Disapparate.

Despite the threats and the magic Voldemort uses against me, the worst pain I feel is I return to Hogwarts and see Severus in his chambers waiting for me as usual, but this time with a cold, impatient look in his eyes when he acknowledges me. "Professor, I—"

"You may leave, Miss Rodgers," he says, standing up from his place on the sofa.

"But none of my friends expect me back until tomorrow," I say quietly, unwilling to fight right now after Voldemort's threats and cruelty. "I always stay in here until Sunday. Won't that seem odd?"

"Then hide. You seem rather gifted with the Disillusionment Charm. Make good use of it and get out of my quarters."

"Please, if I can just—"

"I have no interest in listening to you further. Leave my office, or I shall have to inform the Dark Lord that you are being insubordinate not only to him but also to me now."

The thought of Voldemort finding out that I've been disrespectful strikes a sudden terror in my heart, and I fail to subdue my sob. Severus doesn't look at me, but he does clench his hands into fists. Without another word to him, I cast the charm he recommended, as well as the Silencing Charm, then leave, biting back the pain in my gut, and go back to the Slytherin Dungeon, crawl in my bed, and try to ignore that I've ruined the best friendship I have ever had.